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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, KENNETH ROBINSON and MIRIAM MARGOLYES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 May 1979)
NOTE: Kenneth Robinson's last appearance, Miriam Margolyes's only appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Kenneth Robinson and Miriam Margolyes in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you’ve just heard we have two guests on the programme this week playing against our two regulars. We welcome back Kenneth Robinson and we welcome someone who’s not played the game before, Miriam Margolyes. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have of course played the game more times than they care to remember, and they’re all going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them and try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. I almost forgot the rules after all these years! Clement Freud let us begin with you, and the subject is hotch potch. Will you tell us something on that in Just A Minute starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: Hotch potch is an alternative name for what in Lancashire is called hotpot. And it is in fact no more than a confection of meat, potatoes, gravy and parsley. If you want to know exactly how to do it, and there doesn’t seem much else that we can talk about in the remaining seconds of this game... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has... KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh a lot of other things we can talk about! I have many things to say about it, so that’s in, that’s deviation, definitely deviation! NP: It wasn’t actually because he wasn’t deviating from the subject of hotch potch. And he keeps it, a point for an incorrect challenge and 42 seconds.... KW: What a rotten chairman! NP: ...starting now. CF: A best or scrag end of neck is preferable. And in the way of tubas I would suggest King Edwards or... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with what’s on the card. Hotch potch is nothing to do with cooking, and nobody’s ever ordered a hotch potch in a restaurant or ahouse in their lives! CF: They have! MIRIAM MARGOLYES: You be quiet! You be quiet! KW: You shut your row! MM: Be quiet! Be quiet! KW: Shut your row! They should never have had women on this programme! MM: You’re a disgrace! KW: There’s a woman here! MM: I should think so too! NP: Yes well I think I may have some support at last. We have a guest who doesn’t like to have the chairman rattled by Kenneth Williams like that... MM: Yes! You go on dear! Yes go on! NP: Thank you very much Miriam! And Clement Freud will also continue with 35 seconds on hotch potch starting now. CF: Hotch potch can also be a mess. Just any disorganised, rumpled, crumpled, unregimented... NP: Like Just A Minute! BUZZ MM: You be quiet too! KW: Yes I don’t think it’s in the rules of the game that the chairman is supposed to interrupt somebody! NP: Well after 13 years I suddenly wanted to. I’ve never done it before... KW: We’re not here to satisfy your occasional whims! MM: Oh I don’t know! KW: You take your proclivities somewhere else! NP: Well... KW: I’ve never heard anything so disgraceful! NP: We’ve been putting up with your whims for so long... CF: If you looked it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica, you’d very likely to get a derivation... NP: Clement! There are 23 seconds... CF: Oh no! NP: Yes! CF: I haven’t stopped! NP: Oh! CF: Do you mean the clock stops when you interrupt... NP: Well I did stop you by interrupting, I did interrupt you which was very bad of me... CF: Well let’s give it to somebody else! NP: I’ve never done it before but I suddenly felt devilish like the fellers do sometimes. There are 23 seconds on hotch potch starting now. CF: A mess. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged. KENNETH ROBINSON: Two messes we’ve had! NP: Yes! You have and there are 20 seconds for you Kenneth on the subject of hotch potch starting now. KR: Hotch potch of course comes from the Russian, spodge terria hod spodge... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: I’m afraid there was Kenneth, it was such a ... KR: No, no, it was a hyphenated word, hod spodge there. NP: Yes but it did take some getting out and so you hesitated. KR: But a hyphen has to be spoken... KW: Don’t argue! The chairman’s ruling is final... KR: Kenneth Williams... KW: And he’s a very fine chairman! I mean he’s a wonderful man! He never interrupts people... NP: Kenneth! KW: ... when they’re under way! You know when they’ve started to play the game... NP: Kenneth! KR: Kenneth Williams! KW: He’s very good! KR: Kenneth Williams, if you ever find... KW: You shut your row! Don’t argue with me! I’m a regular! KR: ... to literature you’ll realise that a hyphen takes some doing! NP: Well now that we’ve all got a little bit off our chest at the beginning of the show and we’ve got the audience warmed up, because after all, they’re not used to Just A Minute, Ken... MM: I’ve still got a lot on my chest! NP: Well if you have, I would keep it to yourself Miriam! MM: Didn’t say that last night! KW: Aye aye! Hello! NP: It’s developing into quite a different show this week! MM: Yes! NP: Perhaps we should have women on the programme! Um Kenneth I agree with your challenge which you gave some time ago and there are 15 seconds for you to talk on hotch potch starting now. KW: The children love it! You throw the dice and you jump! And it’s hopscotch really you see that they’re playing. They often say hotch potch instead, but of course we all know what they’re really doing. It’s jumping over the cracks in the pavement you know. And many’s... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Two you knows. NP: Yes, you do, there are two seconds Clement on hotch potch starting now. KW: Yeah he always does that, doesn’t he! Gets in on the last two seconds! WHISTLE NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And if you don’t know it already, whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. And once again it was Clement Freud. And at the end of the first round, he’s got a commanding lead. Kenneth, it’s er, we’d like you to begin the second round and the subject is why I am so well informed. With a face like that you don’t look well informed Kenneth! So why I am so well informed, 60 seconds, starting now. KW: Because I have had the good fortune to mix with the erudite and the learned of this world! And as Emerson rightly remarked, we have as... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged. MM: It’s boring! KW: I think it’s disgraceful! NP: Miriam it’s fre... KW: I... NP: It frequently is on Just A Minute! KW: I’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street! I’m insulted! I mean that is insulting! That’s really insulting! NP: Yes it... MM: It’s true though! It’s true! KW: I don’t know how you’re sitting there taking it! I’m amazed you haven’t got up! NP: Because it’s... Kenneth! I try to be just and fair! It was a wrong challenge. You keep the subject, you have 47 seconds.... CF: Is that your New Years resolution? NP: ... on why I am so well informed starting now. KW: It is a good thing to take a decent newspaper. That way you can keep abreast of current affairs. Of course in the old days I ... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: Yes you did say it before I’m afraid. And there... KW: You always say that! You don’t know whether I did or not! You’re just agreeing with him! I didn’t say it, did I? There you are! NP: I’m not going to be intimidated by you and the audience! Clement Freud had a correct challenge, there are 36 seconds on why I am so well informed, Clement, starting now. CF: Principally I am so well informed because I read an extraordinarily large number of boring documents which Miriam Margolyes really ought to come and join me in the perusal of. Hansard... BUZZ NP: Ah Miriam Margolyes. MM: Bad grammar! You ended your sentence with a preposition. KW: Yes! Yes! Deviation! Deviation! Yes! NP: Yes, what a very nice challenge. So Miriam you have the subject, there are 24 seconds and... she didn’t want the subject! She just wanted to interrupt all the time! That was...But anyway Miriam let’s hear from you trying to talk in Just A Minute... CF: It was acceptable grammar! NP: ... in 24 seconds and the subject is why I am so well informed starting now. MM: I am so well informed partly because I was born in Oxford, and I went to Cambridge. And I think I’m the only person here who has the benefit of a university degree... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation, how can you be partly born in Oxford? MM: No I was born... CF: Bad grammar! MM: ... partly in Oxford, but I came to Cambridge to be educated, you see. NP: You did say you were partly born in Oxford. MM: In that case I have to, I have to... KW: Your residebce was on the boundary! That’s right, halfway between Oxford and Berkshire! NP: Miriam Margolyes keeps the subject, there are 14 seconds on why I am so well informed starting now. MM: I went to an absolutely marvelous school, the Oxford Girls High School, one of the... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of Oxford. MM: You can’t have it often enough you know! NP: And yes there are 10 seconds Clement on why I am so well informed starting now. CF: I live very near Cambridge, which is one of the great universities, replete with colleges and students, lecturers, fellows, principals, masters and presidents of university establishments... WHISTLE NP: Clement’s hushed tones of reverence brought such a hush from the audience we wondered whether they were going to revive. But they did fortunately to clap him for speaking as the whistle went and gaining that extra point and increasing his lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Robinson will you begin the next round please. The subject is the Audean Press and would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KR: The Audean Press was founded in the 15th century by a man called Aldiss who was an expert, hence the expression "don’t contradict your Aldiss". Aldiss Mantusi also known as Macini or Mantovani. he had three names and he used them whenever he felt like having a new one. He er his er (goes into gibberish) BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes challenged. KR: I’m sorry, one steps so easily into Russian in this! NP: Miriam what was your challenge? MM: Well I hate to challenge him but I think he hesitated. NP: He more than hesitated... MM: Yes! NP: He completely dried up! Miriam there are 42 seconds on the Audean Press starting now. MM: I haven’t got the faintest idea what the Audean Press is, so I think I’ll talk about another one that I have got rather... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged. KR: Deviation. NP: Yes, you talk about another one, deviation. MM: Quite right! Back you go. NP: Thirty-five and a half seconds on the Audean Press back with you Kenneth Robinson starting now. KR: Yes Aldiss Mancusi was out to make books cheaper. He was assisted by his son later on, who then went and set up a printing press for the Pope. And his grandson then carried on the business. And it’s almost impossible to make this subject anything but very boring. Perhaps I can tell you that they were a Roman family, they spoke Greek at home. And that one of the things that they succeeded in doing was inventing Italics, those things that you use instead of putting a line underneath them, I think I’m going to run out of... breath... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well I don’t think that was boring, I thought that was absolutely fascinating! And I think everyone here would agree with me that it was fascinating! NP: But nonetheless, you challenged Kenneth? KW: Especially that stuff about Italics. I had no idea that was their invention. NP: Yes well don’t let’s have a philosophic discussion, what was your challenge? KW: No I was simply saying that contrary to what he said about being boring, he wasn’t at all. And I for one delighted in that peroration. NP: And when he paused, you were the first to challenge. KW: Oh well I probably was trying to come in to help him out, so to speak. NP: Well you have helped him out, you’ve got 10 seconds to talk about the Audean Press starting now. KW: The Audean Press unquestionably has won a place for itself in the annals of publishing, which everyone would (pronounced wo-o-o-od) if they had any kind of... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged. MM: Distortion of vowel sounds! NP: Well as he does it every week and has made a living out of it, I don’t think we can... MM: I can’t help that! I can’t help that! It was true wasn’t it! Doesn’t he distort vowel sounds! And you can all hear how pure mine are! That’s why I’m on the programme! NP: Um after some of your previous remarks, I wouldn’t talk about purity! MM: Didn’t say that last night! NP: I think we should have women on the programme! Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, you have one second on the Audean Press starting now. KW: Well I think in the last analysis... WHISTLE NP: So in the last analysis Kenneth spoke as the whistle went, Kenneth Williams did, got the extra point for speaking er, for doing so, for so-doing when the whistle went and he’s er... KW: You are making a mess of it aren’t you! NP: Yes because I’m trying to read the clock and the figures and look at the next sub... KW: Oh yes, it’s so complicated your job isn’t it! Oh you should be on a higher salary! You should! Oh! NP: Would you like to write in for me? Kenneth you’re in second place at the end of that round. Miriam Margolyes will you take the next round please and the subject is Pluto. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now. MM: Pluto calls to mind three things. One of them concerned with astrology. The other concerned with astronomy. And the third of course is the King of the Underworld. I don’t mean the Producer, but that wonderful personality who is famous for stealing Pestephanie. You all remember that of course from your history lessons, as indeed, so do I. She was the very attractive girl, he couldn’t resist her. We all know what it’s like when we see somebody attractive. We cannot hold ourselves back. There we are... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged. KR: I think we had two attractives. NP: Yes you did. MM: I think I did. NP: That’s right, you did say attractive. MM: Aren’t I sweet! I think you did, I think I... NP: That’s right, you did, yes. MM: Have I made a mess of it? I mean will I, what will happen now? NP: You didn’t say that last night! Kenneth Robinson you have the subject and there are 29 seconds left on Pluto starting now. KR: Pluto is the subject I am very sorry to have, because I can only repeat what has been said that he was the... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well if he don’t want it, why don’t he give it to someone else and shut up! NP: Well he might yet if he deviates from the subject, but he hadn’t done so yet so he keeps it and gets a point for a wrong challenge and there are 24 seconds left, Kenneth Robinson, starting now. KR: He is certainly the God of the dead, which must give him quite a quiet time I imagine. He is also that absurd... BUZZ NP: Um, Miriam Margolyes. MM: Repetition of he. NP: Yes, he is also, that’s right. The whole sentence. So Miriam’s in with a good challenge and there are 18 seconds left Miriam, Pluto, starting now. MM: Pluto was rather a sexy little devil, and one of the things he did was to make love to a nymph called Mint. And his wife found out and trampled her into the ground. And that is why we get the name, which you don’t need me to say on... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson. KR: Slight hesitation. NP: Yes there was a slight one there. MM: Yes. NP: She was trying to think of the name, yes. MM: It’s true. NP: Four seconds for you Kenneth Robinson on Pluto starting now. KR: Pluto is also one of the... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes. MM: I just felt like doing it! NP: Well tit for tat, he did it to you, and you got a point for that. Kenneth Robinson you have three seconds on Pluto starting now. KR: Pluto is also one of... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes. MM: I just felt like doing it! NP: Well tit for tat, he did it to you and you got a point for that. So Kenneth you have three seconds on Pluto starting now. KR: Pluto is also a planet, I think the second largest and it has... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of planet. NP: Yes... CF: He said it when he spoke earlier. NP: I’m afraid you said planet when you got it last time. So Clement Freud’s got in with one second to go again and... MM: Boo! NP: Well they could all do it if they want to listen as carefully as that! Starting now. CF: Walt Disney... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson challenged. KR: A slight pause. NP: No, of course not, a quarter of a second starting now. CF: Mickey Mouse. WHISTLE NP: Well a lot of points were scored in that round, thank goodness. Because Miriam Margolyes, our guest for the first time on the show has got a lot of points, and she’s still, alas, in fourth place but she’s equal with Kenneth Will... MM: Oh it’s not fair! I’m not playing if I can’t win! NP: Actually I’ve noticed something, you're equal in third place with Kenneth Williams. MM: That’s better! NP: And he’s played regularly, only two points behind Kenneth Robinson and only four, no only six behind our leader Clement Freud, who’s going to begin the next round. And the subject Clement is my first words, Just A Minute, starting now. CF: Oddly enough my first words didn’t come till late in life. It is reputed that I waited some 58 seconds before I opened my mouth and said I want sem... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson challenged. KR: Slight pause there. NP: I don’t think there was a pause, no. Clement you keep the subject with 47 and a half seconds, my first words starting now. CF: Semalina pudding. And the... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson. KR: Pause there definitely, hesitation. NP: Yes, yes, he was waiting for the challenge, I think, because he couldn’t have said semalina pudding after 58 seconds of life either. CF: I didn’t say of life. MM: Kenneth, give him a cuddle to cheer him up, he’s gone all sad! NP: Forty-five seconds... MM: Yes! NP: ...with Kenneth Robinson, my first words starting now. KR: My first words as my mother told me, I spoke them at her knee, were (baby talk gibberish) BUZZ NP: Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby! KR: (baby talk gibberish) NP: Oh I’m glad you got that off your chest! Did you get up all the wind? Miriam, you challenged. MM: Yes I just thought he was being a bit unfair. NP: No, he was repeating... KR: Haven’t done that for 74 years! NP: He did repeat a lot of baby words there. And Miriam got in with 15, no 17 seconds left, my first words, Miriam, starting now. MM: My first words to my mother, as far as I can remember, were "how lovely to see you today" because she was born abroad and I hadn’t expected to find her at that point. And I think I had better shut up because I can’t think of anything else to say. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well I thought hesitation there. NP: Yes. MM: Yes I think you’re right. NP: Six seconds, my first words, starting now. KW: My first words on walking on to the stage were "the carriage awaits". And I did it... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams got the extra point, speaking as the whistle went. He is definitely in third place but only one point behind Kenneth Robinson, two ahead of Miriam Margolyes and our leader is still Clement Freud. But Kenneth you’re going to begin the next round and the subject is Christopher Marlowe. Would you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: He was a contemporary of Shakespeare. And indeed the latter used a line, a very beautiful one, of his in As You Like It, and played the sort of generous tribute one expects from such a fountain of genius as that. He also led a life which many people thought dissolute, and the end which was this terrible stabbing in a low tavern in Detford. He wrote these lovely lines: Come live with me, and be my love, and we will all the pleasures prove, of hill and... I can’t go on because obviously you know this is not the place to recite... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: I’d like him to go on! NP: So Kenneth you get another point for that challenge and you do go on, with 14 and a half seconds, Christopher Marlowe, starting now. KW: Perhap his most famous play is of course Tamber Lane... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: Afraid so, yes. Eleven seconds Clement on Christopher Marlowe starting now. CF: It is thought by many scholars that the works of William Shakespeare were in fact written by Christopher Marlowe, something which I’ve never believed in, especially after having been... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes. MM: Wasn’t there a slight pause there? NP: No. Not even a slight one. MM: Just the teeniest weeniest one? NP: No, no... CF: Between words. NP: If we, if we really, you know, gave decisions like that, you could never really speak, could you. One second to go starting now. CF: He was known around town as Kit. WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round and the others are in exactly the same position. And Kenneth Robinson is going to begin the next round, and the subject is Roman culture. Will you tell us something about that Kenneth in Just A Minute starting now. KR: It’s often thought that the Romans contributed nothing to culture, that they simply made roads and copied everything the Greeks did. But this is to ignore the famous palace of homilies, the gondolier carvers, the Battory brothers. And where would Bridget Reilly be today I ask myself, and I ask the audience too. If it was not for Pizzani, where would David Hockney be... BUZZ NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged. MM: I believe he said ask twice, ask the audience and ask myself. NP: Mmmm, where would they be. KR: I ask myself. MM: Yes. I’m awfully sorry Kenneth because I got quite fond of you in the last few moments. KR: You didn’t say that to him last night! MM: Too busy! Too busy! NP: Miriam you have 41 seconds for the subject of Roman culture starting now. MM: I’m absolutely mad about Italy and particularly about Rome. And the culture there of course is wonderful. You can find palaces, art galleries and all the panoply that goes with a country that provided a civilsation that even lasts today. Of course our language benefits tremendously from Roman culture. All the words we say, even the ones that you wouldn’t expect, they still have the hints of Roman culture in them. The Greek culture of course was important too. But Roman and Romanism and all it meant to us, that is what counts today. I find if you really listen to what I am saying, you might drop off after a while, but I’m going to continue anyway, because I know that somewhere at the back of it is something that really matters. And at last I’ve found it. It is that in Italy there is the seeds of our cooking and that of course is what I am interested in, cooking, as you can see from my size! Have I not enough time left yet to tell you about recipes and all the... NP: No, you’ve gone on for over a minute! WHISTLE NP: I was absolutely wicked, Miriam, I took the whistle out of Ian Messiter’s mouth which he keeps all through the show. And um, I pulled out his teeth as well, I’m afraid. But Miriam, you were way, you were actually speaking as the whistle should have gone. And you went for nearly 50 seconds without being interrupted, and you said cooking twice. And that was fantastic, and the audience showed their appreciation, but you only got one point I’m afraid. MM: Oh can’t I have more than that? I’m a big girl! NP: No you can’t... MM: I’m eating for two! NP: ... because it’s very very close. And the competition is! MM: I see! NP: I wasn’t referring to last night again! The um, Miriam you’re going to begin the next round as well, and the subject is the contents of my handbag. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. MM: How dare you ask me to reveal the contents of my handbag! I think that’s the most unappalling liberty I’ve ever heard! It’s none of your business what’s in my handbag! In fact I don’t have a handbag. I have a pantechnicon which I carry around and I park outside. I don’t think it’s anything to do with you what I carry with me. As a matter of fact, of course I have a diary and that is where your telephone number is, Nicholas, as I don’t have to tell you. And I shall shortly be collecting it from all the other gentlemen in the audience, if they’re very lucky. Another thing that should be in a woman’s handbag is a penknife. Now I find the Swiss Army knives quite exceptionable. There’s something for taking stones out of horses hooves, and something for taking horses out of stones hooves. And if you haven’t... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged. KR: Repetition of horses and... NP: Horses, hooves and stones, yes. MM: Quite right. NP: That’s perfectly right. So you do realise now that Miriam Margolyes doesn’t receive money for appearing in the show, she gets telephone numbers instead. Ah Kenneth you came in there and I’m afraid Miriam came in before we could set the watch going, so we don’t know how long she’s been going actually. So we’ll estimate it was 40 seconds... MM: You see, that’s what happens when men are in charge. Don’t you agree with me ladies? It’s ridiculous! Absolutely! NP: Yes a more light hearted easy approach to things! A less regimented idea than with women at the helm! So Miriam... MM: You wait for it mate! We’ll get there one day! Won’t we, girl-chaps, won’t we? NP: Will you be in the vanguard or the rearguard? MM: Tell you tonight! NP: Right, Kenneth Robinson, there are 20 seconds, the contents of my handbag starting now. KR: If I did have a handbag then I would in fact put into it the things that I’ve just been taking out of my pocket which include an advertisement for Jackie Gillett’s new book, showing... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, the subject on the card is the contents of my handbag, not what he’s got out of his pockets. NP: Well very good challenge Kenneth. Would you like to tell us about the contents of your handbag? And there, it’s the last subject and there’s about 10 seconds left starting now. KW: I suppose the term could loosely be applied to a briefcase which I have carried under my arm on several occasions to carry my scripts and that thing which I rub on in the event of bad weather... WHISTLE NP: Well as I said a few moments ago this would be the last round. I’m afraid we do have no more time and so I will give you the final score. A great number of points were scored in this particular contest this week. And Miriam Margolyes who’s coming as a guest for the very first time, did very well. She spoke a great deal, she didn’t get an awful lot of points! But she was great value and I’m sure we would love to have you back, if you’re free, if we do another series Miriam. And she came in fourth place but only just behind Kenneth Robinson, our other guest, who did very well on his return visit. He was only one point behind Kenneth Williams but Kenneth was three points behind this week’s winner, Clement Freud. We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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