WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and FENELLA FIELDING, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 17 November 1969)
NOTE: Fenella Fielding's only appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Fenella Fielding in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome to this edition of Just A Minute. And we welcome to the show for the very first time as youíve just heard to represent the ladies, Fenella Fielding. And the three men are just the same! The rules have remained the same and we try to play them just the same. Iím going to ask each one of them to speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way. And if one of the others thinks they are guilty of this crime when they are speaking they may press a buzzer which is in front of them. And if I uphold their challenge they will take over that subject and gain a point. If I donít uphold the challenge whoeverís speaking will gain a point. And whoeverís speaking when the whistle goes telling us that 60 seconds is up will gain an extra point. Thatís the way we score, that is the way we play. And Kenneth Williams, will you begin this particular show. Something that Iím sure youíre well fitted to talk about, Kenneth, receiving compliments. Can you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well it has been said that it is more difficult to receive than to give. And where compliments are concerned I think that this is particularly true. Because one must assume an air of gratification. One must also assume... oh Iíve said twice...
NP: Derek Nimmo, you pressed your buzzer, you challenged. Why?
DEREK NIMMO: A self-confessed hesitator!
NP: A self confessed hesitation! Kenneth you must keep going, they might even not notice it...
KW: It wasnít hesitation, but it was repetition which I admitted! You great fool!
NP: Oh so thatís all right! So you have a point! No itís not hesitation, it was repetition. So Kenneth Williams keeps the subject and there are 42 seconds left starting now.
KW: But when the tribute is paid to one, one immediately...
NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged this time.
DN: Repetition, one and one makes two!
NP: He did repeat one twice! So you have a point, Derek Nimmo, you take over the subject, there are 37 seconds left for receiving compliments, starting now.
DN: The first compliment that I received was when I was sitting on Coniston Wharf in a little rowing boat, and a man came alongside me in a sailing dinghy. One Hornet it was called, it was a rather nice class of sailing dinghy. He came alongside ma and said to me "whatho! What a jolly fellow you are!" I said "how civil of you to say that! How terribly kind! May I return a compliment to you?" And he said "no, youíre only receiving them today." I said "so true, so true, which is repetition...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.
NP: Repetition of so true. So Clement Freud gains a point, he takes over the subject. Ah um, 14 seconds left, receiving compliments starting now.
CF: This is something that...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Deviation, I donít believe heís ever received a compliment!
KW: I wouldnít say that at all!
NP: Ah well thatís a very good laugh and a very good challenge. But all that happens is that Clement Freud has another point, he has 12 seconds for receiving compliments starting now.
CF: This is something that Derek Nimmo thinks I very seldom receive. And in many ways, he is right...
NP: Derek Nimmo, youíre challenging, why?
DN: I reinstate my previous challenge! He said I was right!
NP: That is definitely a very clever challenge. So Derek Nimmo you take over the subject and there are seven seconds for receiving compliments Derek starting now.
DN: The second time was in the Mall one Tuesday morning at 7.30. I was up very early and this fellow came alongside me and he said "hello...
NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking at the end of that round he gets the ex...
DN: It wasnít true! It was rubbish! Absolute rubbish! One finds oneself talking rubbish! Absolute rubbish all the time!
NP: Itís terribly interesting that Derek Nimmo has been in three complete seriesí of this show and only now does he realise heís talking complete rubbish! Itís probably never too late Derek! Anyway youíve gained a bonus point for speaking as the whistle went and it gives you the lead at the end of the first round. Ah Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is odds and ends. Will you talk for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
CF: Odds and ends is a name given to numbers like one, three, five, seven, nine. And to words that come at the termination of a sentence, a book, a page, possibly even a chapter. But more often that not by odds and ends people mean some conglomeration of articles or materials or instances for which they can find no other collective name. I have for instance heard my mother say "where did I put the odds and ends" At which my father hit her. This was an embarrassing occasion. But more than off... no..
NP: Derek Nimmo...
NP: ... challenged. why?
NP: Yes Derek Nimmo has a justified point with 21 seconds left for odds and ends Derek starting now.
DN: I have a little cupboard underneath the stairs where I keep my odds and ends. Thereís a screwdriver there, a thimble, a button, a little tiny straw object that Iíve never been able to identify although Iíve looked in all sorts of textbooks. Thereís a collar belonging to a vicar who died four years ago at Tunbridge Wells. Thereís a straw hat with a feather on it...
NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?
KW: Repetition, weíve had about seven theres. Thereís this, thereís that, thereís the other, weíve had all those repetitions.
NP: Yes well all I can say Kenneth is that weíve had lots of theres throughout the series and weíve never challenged for theres before. So I think it would be only fair to say no points, continue with Derek Nimmo, three seconds for odds and ends starting now.
DN: Thereís a pub in Shaftesbury Avenue thatís full of odds and sometimes a few ends...
NP: As Derek was speaking when the whistle went he gains yet another bonus point. Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, my worst fault. Talk on the subject if you can, 60 seconds starting now.
DN: In the fourth round of the cup at Wimbledon in 1959, I happened to be playing opposite Rod Laver...
NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?
CF: Heís faultless!
NP: If you were to say that Derek Nimmo did not play against Rod Laver in the fourth round of the cup, I would have given you deviation. But I cannot give it to you on that score because um, therefore Derek Nimmo has another point and there are 47 seconds for my worst fault starting now.
DN: The decision was rather interesting actually. It was two sets all and 5-3 in my favour in the final game. What happened was I threw up the ball terribly high in the air, smashed it hard with my racquet, it went over the net and then skimmed through the white dust. And do you know...
NP: Ah Kenneth, Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Foot, ah, if it hits the white dust, itís not a fault.
NP: No thatís perfectly correct.
CF: Itís acceptable.
NP: Extremely clever! No! Thatís one of those brilliant challenges...
DN: I wouldnít mind if he wasnít right!
NP: And so Clement Freud you have another point, you take the subject over, 35 seconds left for my worst fault starting now.
CF: My worst fault is generosity, kindness and being nice to Derek Nimmo. Many people ask me why do you continue with this charming, witful and intelligent progression of...
NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged. Why?
DN: Hesitation, he sort of packed up.
NP: Yes he couldnít go on, heíd got so carried away with his er misplaced thought. So Derek Nimmo you have another point and there are 20 seconds left for my worst fault starting now.
DN: My worst fault really is my underlying tremendous...
NP: Clement Freud, why have you challenged?
CF: Deviation, heís already said that his worst fault happened at Wimbledon.
NP: So Clement Freud has the subject and there are 17 seconds for my worst fault Clement starting now.
CF: Hitting old ladies...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Heís already established that his worst fault is being nice to me!
NP: Thatís quite correct, you get him on exactly the same thing that you got you on! So Derek you have the subject back...
CF: I did say one of them!
NP: Sometimes it pays to lose...
CF: I said one of them!
NP: ... because you get the subject back with another point. So 15 seconds for my worst fault Derek starting now.
DN: So I tied my plimsolls on rather heavily really, and got hold of the racquet very firmly in my right hand. And I got hold of the spherical object which I play the game with. I threw it extraordinarily high in the air...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
DN: It soared up above me for hours, the birds sang...
CF: Repetition, heís already thrown it up.
NP: Heís already thrown it high. So Clement Freud has my worst fault, two seconds left starting now.
CF: Is this really your worst fault...
NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud is one point behind Derek Nimmo, Kenneth Williams is in third place and Fenella has yet to score. But Fenella you begin the next round. Hereís the subject, the advantages of being female. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
FENELLA FIELDING: (Very slow with long three second pauses between each sentence) Well the advantages are many. For one thing, the most marvellous parties, and you can cry in the theatre without anybody thinking youíre effeminate. And then you know you can have babies. And although, although, you can have... these things, and men are so strong, theyíre so strong that they can... carry heavy cases for us, which is very very nice. And I like that. Also...
NP: Derek youíve challenged. Why?
FF: You mean to say you couldnít carry a heavy case?
NP: All right. As you were... yes I agree, but as you canít challenge for everything, Iím going to let Fenella carry on and weíll see how she goes because weíre enjoying it! Fenella, there are 25 seconds for you to continue with the advantages of being female starting now.
FF: Well for one thing, as weíre all supposed to be rather dimwitted...
NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why?
FF: Oh no no! I was timing!
NP: This time Iím afraid I have to give it to the most ungallant of the three, Derek Nimmo...
FF: Oh how... seems to me thereís no advantages to being female at all!
NP: In this game, none at all, I must say that to you Fenella, 20 seconds for Derek Nimmo to continue with the subject of the advantages of being female starting now.
DN: There are many advantages, I find, in being female. Particularly when I go on buses because I find that gentlemen stand up and let me sit down. I notice that when I go into a hairdressers Iím always given preference over Clement Freud...
NP: Fenella Fielding, why have you challenged?
FF: Forgive me, but isnít this deviation?
NP: Very devious Fenella!
FF: A very unpleasant thought!
NP: So you get the subject back and there are seven seconds left for the advantages of being female starting now.
FF: Well you donít have to play any rough games like men do. You donít have to be a footballer or anything like that...
NP: Well as Fenella somehow or other was still managing to be speaking when the whistle went, she gains some points, and puts her actually a little in front of Kenneth Williams. But Derek Nimmoís still in the lead in front of Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is bashfulness. Can you talk to us about bashfulness for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: This is to do of course with a lack of confidence. And of course this lack of composure, if that is the way one would have it, can lead to a certain archdemeanour which many people do interpret as bashful. Of course it is merely a word, nomenclature, semantics, call it what you will. And really it isnít correct. Itís simply a lack of ability in those circumstances. I myself when very young was called upon to recite Break Break Break on my 12...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
NP: And Derek.. Kenneth Williams just about to break Clement Freud whoís sitting beside him! So you chose the wrong poem Kenneth to recite! So Clement has another point and there are 17 seconds for bashfulness, Clement Freud, starting now.
CF: Fulness was one of the most unpleasant people at my boarding school, and whenever there was a wet Tuesday night we used to get together to bash him! Three of us would hold him, two by the legs and one by the arm and it was called Bash Fulness on a Tuesday afternoon, one of the most happy...
NP: As Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, he got a point and a well deserved point, because I must tell the listeners that all throughout that, Kenneth was feeling very upset at having lost the subject that he was sticking his tongue out at Clement! So at the end of that round Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo are in the lead equal. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, when I was seven. A charming subject Clement, will you discourse for 60 seconds on it starting now.
CF: When I was seven, we lived on an island in the Baltic Sea, and I had my first really unhappy experience. The publican on this particular place where we lived, had hiccups terribly badly for three days...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Hiccups, repetition!
NP: An extraordinarily clever challenge but as it doesnít sort of come within the context of the game I give you a bonus point Derek, we leave the subject with Clement Freud, 46 seconds, when I was seven Clement starting now.
CF: After which his nose bled. It bled for many days...
NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?
DN: His nose bled, it bled for...
NP: Yes repetiiton of bled, 47 seconds...
CF: Thatís the point about noses bleeding!
NP: Yes but itís also repetitious so there we are. Derek you have the subject, 47 seconds, when I was seven starting now.
DN: When I was seven, I was evacuated to Cachnel Fell in the Lake District. It was at the height of the bombing in Liverpool, and my father and my mummy thought it was safer for me there. Up there amongst the water and the lakes. And there I went...
NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged. Why?
CF: There, there, there.
NP: There, there, there, yes...
DN: Oh quite right! Quite right!
NP: And I didnít let Kenneth Williams have there there there there there some other time. When was that Kenneth?
KW: I canít remember, but youíre a very good chairman and I certainly would be the last person to find fault! Thereís got to be rules, youíve got to have rules, everyone should stick to the rules! Like me!
NP: There speaks a true sportsman!
KW: Yes! Youíve got to have rules!
NP: Yes! So Clement Freud you have a point and there are 28 seconds for when I was seven starting now.
CF: This poor man had lost so many red and white corpuscles that in the end he died. And as we left on an island a steamer arrived and a coffin was discharged, and then (starts to giggle)
NP: Derek Nimmo...
DN: Hesitation, but itís all so terribly depressing isnít it! Why does he always bring up these awful morbid stories? When he was seven there should have been a little happiness and light in his life, not all these corpses and bodies in the Baltic and steamers!
NP: I donít know whether the audience are applauding because they agree or just applauding your magnificent performance Derek! But to go back to the game which we left about a minute ago, I give you a erm point for hesitation. It was more than a hesitation, it was a fullstop! And there we are! Ten seconds now for when I was seven Derek starting now.
DN: And in this agricultural building there were cows and sheep and hens and ducks. And every morning I had to go out and feed them...
NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?
KW: Four ands.
NP: Well look all right Kenneth, Iíll give you the benefit. Once before you challenged on there, Iíll give it to you this time as youíre trailing a little. All right, four ands, but not again, we canít have and again after this. You have the subject now, three seconds left, when I was seven Kenneth starting now.
KW: When I was seven, my photograph was taken! And everyone agreed it was the most beautiful thing theyíd ever seen!
NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went he gains another point and heís now equal in third place behind Derek er Nimmo and Clement Freud who are in the lead, almost equal, one point separating them. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, my handicap. A subject which you can enlarge on Iím sure anyway you wish, starting now, 60 seconds.
DN: Of course I always take it with me to race meetings really. I keep it in my back pocket. And if itís raining, I bring this tremendously handy cap out and put it on my head. Itís waterproof. I have other ones actually because you know I have a tremendous tendency if Iím not thinking to go hahahahaha...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged.
NP: Repetition, yes. You should find different ways to laugh in this game Derek...
DN: Thatís my handicap! How can I talk about it without illustrating it?
NP: Well your handicap has given Clement Freud a point and there are 41 seconds left for my handicap Clement starting now.
CF: My handicap in golf is 27. This is achieved by taking the par score at an average golf course and adding to it the number of strokes over this total, which one achieves on a normal round. I usually start at the first hole with a driver or possibly a spoon and try to...
NP: Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged?
DN: Deviation, heís not talking about his handicap now, heís talking about how to play golf.
NP: Because he was talking about his handicap and he was explaining it. And if you play golf, I think youíll find that heís been explaining it quite well, 23 seconds left Clement for my handicap starting now.
CF: Having teed up I use the club to strike the ball which invariably lands in a bunker because I am a handicap 27 player. Were I not...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
DN: Repetition of 27.
NP: Yes that is perfectly correct. Derek Nimmo has a point, there are 13 and a half seconds left for Derek on my handicap starting now.
DN: Itís caused me great unhappiness in my life. I do feel itís awfully mean when people challenge me and... cause me to be ridiculed...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged on...
NP: ... his handicap again, yes indeed. So Clement you take it back, nine seconds, my handicap starting now.
CF: There are other golfers who find...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Repetition of golfers.
NP: Yes we had golfers before, six seconds for my handicap Derek starting now.
DN: Now sometimes it brings tears to my eyes when people come up to me and say "how can Freud be so cruel...
NP: This game is developing into somewhat of a needle match between Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud who have only two points separating them. Derek Nimmo this time a little in the lead, Fenella and Kenneth trailing somewhat. Fenella will you try and begin, will you begin the next round for us my love. The subject, surely a delightful one for you, soirees!
NP: Yes will you try and talk for 60 seconds starting now.
FF: (Long pauses between sentences) Soirees were invented at the beginning of time. But as they were French, they didnít get to this country till 1066 when we were invaded. We instantly took up this charming occupation, gallic though it be. And since then soirees of every sort have swelled the social scene. During a soiree people arrive dripping with every possible kind of personal decoration. They imbibe every kind and colour of alcohol, or perhaps I shouldnít say that on a family programme. They eat sandwiches, sandwiches cut into triangles, and bridge rolls. And they do dance to the record player or the tape recorder, and have a simply lovely time being terribly witty...
NP: Well that was absolutely enchanting!
FF: Itís absolutely true!
NP: Iím sure we all want to go to one of Fenellaís soirees! I must say...
DN: Bridge rolls!
NP: ... in fairness I do think that three men were extremely kind not challenging for many hundreds of errors that she made! But we loved it so much that...
FF: Errors? What errors?
KW: You said the decorations were dripping!
FF: Well it depends who you know!
NP: Well all I... put it this way Fenella! Nobody has got so few words into 60 seconds before! But you did it very well with a very even tempo and you get a bonus point for not being interrupted throughout your 60 seconds.
FF: Oh gosh! Good!
NP: Oh gosh good says Fenella so sheís back in the game. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is something that Iím sure you can apply to this game, what I find unpardonable. Will you talk about that subject in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: I find unpardonable injustice, and especially when it is manifest, when it is seen to be exactly that, the thing that I described. Because surely all of us yearn in this world for a fair hearing. Surely weíve all the right! Weíve all got the right to have a fair...
KW: Oh shut your row!
NP: Fenella has challenged for the first time. Why?
FF: Well I think it was repetition.
NP: Yes it was repetition. So Fenella...
CF: And a fine one to talk!
NP: So Fenella you take over the subject, youíve gained another point and there are 41 seconds for what I find unpardonable starting now.
FF: What I find unpardonable is people not simply falling at my feet, rushing over the footlights, and telling me how absolutely marvelous I am, every single minute of the day! That is what we all need in this world of ours today. Iím sure Kenneth will agree. And Clement...
NP: Clement why have you challenged?
FF: And if people donít do this, if they donít like it...
FF: Iím challenging myself!
FF: I want to know what you mean!
NP: Itís probably the safest way to get out of it! Do carry on, Fenella another 19 seconds left...
FF: Thatís all right, Iíd love to!
NP: ... for what I find unpardonable starting now.
NP: Clem... Derek Nimmo you challenged. Or should I go back to Clement Freudís challenge of about five minutes ago?
CF: (through laughter) It was the same thing! Hesitation...
NP: Well as youíve got in first Clement I must be fair and give it to you, you have a point, and there are now 22 seconds left for what I find unpardonable starting now.
CF: The things that I find most unpardonable are hesitation, repetition and deviation...
NP: Fenella Fielding why have you challenged?
FF: Hesitation, repetition and deviation!
NP: I would like to be able to give you three points Fenella...
FF: Three! Three!
NP: But I can only give you one Iím afraid. Sixteen seconds left, Fenella Fielding, for what I find unpardonable starting now.
FF: Well what I find unpardonable is brutality to me by Clement Freud when here I am, exposed to...
NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why?
DN: Deviation, sheís exposed herself!
NP: Well actually, if youíd said to me deviation for exposure, I would have said yes that is devious. But she has not exposed herself, she only said it...
DN: Youíre not sitting where Iím sitting!
NP: As Iím not sitting where youíre sitting Derek, all I can do is to give Fenella Fielding another point and say there are eight seconds left Fenella for what I find unpardonable starting now.
FF: Well I think that was an unpardonable interruption on Derek Nimmoís part...
NP: Derek youíve challenged, why?
DN: Repetition of Derek Nimmo.
NP: Yes indeed! Definitely! We canít have too much of Derek Nimmo! So you have a point Derek and three seconds for what I find unpardonable starting now.
DN: Home Secretaries when they say "I wonít pardon that fellow...
NP: Well the final result I think in the circumstances was very fair. Fenella Fielding was in third place, just ahead of Kenneth Williams. And considerably in front of them both was Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo, and Derek Nimmo has beaten Clement Freud by three points, and so we say this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope youíve enjoyed this episode of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, goodbye! Goodbye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.