JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 September 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And of course a very warm welcome to the four scintilating players of the game who once more Iím sure are going to enjoy themselves entirely for your pleasure and try and play Just A Minute. In which they will all try and speak at different times we hope on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. The others may challenge them if they think they are guilty of doing any of these particular things. And if I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and if I disagree they will give a point away. Thatís the way we play, thatís the way we score. And let us begin this particular show with Clement Freud. Clement the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you is demonectomy. So can you talk for Just A Minute on demonectomy starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: In OíConnell Street in Dublin, the...

BUZZ

CF: Clever subject!

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. There was a definite hesitation, yes.

CF: Indeed!

NP: And therefore I agree with your challenge. The subject matter obviously completely inhibited Clement. You take over the subject with a point to yourself Derek and there are 55 seconds left for demonectomy starting now.

DN: In one of the darker, more gloomy parts of Hades, I was wandering alone amongst...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Heís still alive!

DN: You donít believe in reincarnation?

NP: He could well have, well have been, he could well have been wandering, he could well have been wandering, he could well have been wandering in a dream or a nightmare even...

CF: He didnít mention that.

NP: He didnít! He only just started!

CF: He was speaking of fact.

NP: According to the way I see it, yes and that fact could have been a dream. So he could not necessarily deviating from the subject. Therefore I disagree with the challenge, Derek Nimmo gains another point and he keeps the subject with 48 seconds left, demonectomy, starting now.

DN: And in my dream, there came towards me a man with a forked tail and a cloven hoof. And as he drew nigh, this demon net at me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Repetition he said demon twice. He said it before and said it just now.

NP: He said, did you...

DN: I said the subject on the card.

NP: He said actually demonectomy and he did say demon, thatís right, you said demon twice.

KW: Yes you did. You said demon both times.

DN: I know! This demon-net-at me, net at me!

NP: Yes but you also said... So Kenneth you were listening very well and you gain a point and the subject, 38 seconds left for demonectomy starting now.

KW: This word of course means to have one cut out of you. Like appendectomy which is your appendix cut out, demonectomy means to have a demon cut out of you...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well same challenge, repetition of demon.

NP: Derek I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 25 seconds left for demonectomy starting now.

DN: I suppose the most classic case of this happened in St Matthews Gospel when Jesus Christ cast the demons into swine and sent them tumbling over a cliff. This was a very interesting...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, that is not ectomy!

NP: That is not cutting out, that is casting out. And itís a religious way it was done, it was not done by surgery.

KW: Oh brilliant! Yes! No flies on you Nick! No flies on you! You know your stuff!

NP: Thank you very much Kenneth, you overwhelm me! Clement you have the subject, youíve gained a point, there are 12 seconds left for demonectomy starting now.

CF: In the capital city of Eire there lived this family called... OíEctomy...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree. Iím sure Clement was giving us something absolutely fascinating but he canít quite find the words to get there! I agree with the hesitation Sheila, so you gain a point and you speak up for the first time on the subject of demonectomy with eight seconds left starting now.

SH: There are...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít... Sheila Hancock has another point and there are seven seconds left for demonectomy starting now.

SH: So youíre taken into hospital, a needle is put into your arm and youíre given pethadin. And when youíre under, a master...

WHISTLE

NP: When 60 seconds are up, Ian Messiter blows his whistle. Which, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Sheila Hancock who now at the end of that round has a... no, sheís equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo, theyíre both...

SH: Well Iíll make the most of that because I donít think Iíve ever been in the lead before!

DN: Awww.

NP: Youíve led before I think Sheila...

SH: Have I?

NP: Youíve done very well yes. Don't be, donít be so modest about your ability in the game! Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round for us. The subject is getting ready to go out. Will you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now.

KW: My mother always said to me the first thing to remember is put your clean underwear on! If youíre ever caught in an accident and they undress you and find your dirty underwear, what will they think of you and your background! Which is very true even to this day! So the first thing I do is to check that part of the clothing. Then of course we have to have the handkerchief and the odd accouterment that might come in handy on the journey, so to speak. Check the front door, check the water supply...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you challenged, why?

CF: Two checks.

NP: Heís been checking rather a lot, yes. I agree with your challenge Clement so you take over the subject, having gained another point. And there are 26 seconds left for ready, getting ready to go out starting now.

CF: One of the things that takes longer than most is combing my hair. I find the less...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Deviation! I just donít believe that! Looking at Clementís hair!

NP: No! Looking at him I couldnít believe it would take you longer than anybody else. You might decide to take longer, but I donít... Can you explain to us Clement why it takes you longer?

CF: Oddly enough the less hair you have the longer it takes to comb. I mean in the old days when I had as much hair as um...

NP: Nicholas Parsons!

CF: ... Nicholas Parsons...

NP: Yes.

CF: ...it was a straightforward thing.

NP: Well I am not going to judge...

CF: Itís really, ask any bald man or woman or child in the audience.

NP: I canít ask all the bald men and women and child, and children, to vote on this. But as it is very difficult to judge, if youíre not, if you have as little hair as Clement Freud, I will let you be the judge, whether you think it is more, it takes longer to comb a partially bald head or not. In other words if you agree with Sheilaís challenge, will you please cheer. And if you disagree with her challenge and youíre on Clement Freudís side will you please boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well all I can say, the cheers kept it up the longest! So I have to give it to Sheila Hancock who has much more hair than Clement Freud. She takes over the subject of getting ready to go out and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

SH: It usually starts with a darn great row with whoever Iím going out with because I am inclined to forget things. And I several times go outside and come back again. I have to fill my handbag with my powder compact, my lipsticks, my keys. Then I have to put a clean handkerchief in my pocket like Kenneth Williams, but you...

WHISTLE

SH: Oh!

NP: Once again Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went so she gains that extra point. And she has jumped into a commanding lead....

SH: Oh dear!

NP: ...two over all the others at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, slips. That is the subject, will you talk to us about slips for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: When I am getting ready to go out, I always first of all put on my slip...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Deviation.

NP: Why?

SH: Well itís positively kinky, he canít wear it!

NP: Well he may be kinky, he might wear even more kinky...

SH: Show us your slip then! Go on! Prove it!

NP: No, Derek! Please! Whether you have one or not, he is not technically deviating from the subject on the card...

SH: All right!

NP: So Derek however kinky it may sound...

SH: I want him to go on anyway! I want to know what else he puts on!

NP: Well I disagree with the challenge so Derek gains a point and there are 55 seconds left for slips starting now.

DN: Once when skating on the round pond in Kensington Gardens when it was frozen in a July morning...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I donít believe it!

NP: I quite agree. I donít believe it was ever frozen on a July morning.

CF: Or afternoon!

NP: Or afternoon. Yes.

DN: You have no imagination then!

NP: No Iím not going to give you your imagination, I think I could have given it to you before, not on this one. So Clement Freud you will gain a point and you take over the subject of slips and there are 48 seconds left starting now.

CF: I well recall when playing cricket at Wembley Park the captain approached me and said "where will you field?" I said "anywhere as long as itís close to you". And he was fielding in the slips, which is how I came to be a wicket-keeper. The bowler took ball and thundered down to the crease, delivered...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Heís not talking about slips now, heís talking either about cricket or wicket-keeping but not talking about specific, specifically about slips.

NP: No he isnít, he went on to wicket-keeping, he went on to bowling, and that is not the slips. So Derek...

CF: If you donít bowl, the ball will never come to the slips! You have no imagination!

NP: Derek Nimmo I agree with your challenge, you take over the subject of slips and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

DN: I think thereís a tremendous amount of truth in the saying thereís many a slip between cup and lip. You have only to look at the way I am lifting this cup at this moment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Second cup.

NP: You get a point and there are 16 seconds left for slips starting now.

CF: Before I get ready to go out and brush my hair...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Deviation, heís talking about the last subject. Or the subject before.

NP: Well he could still, he hadnít got going, he could well have been going into the slips. He could well have been going to field in the slips and combing his hair for that purpose. There are 12 seconds left for the slips Clement starting now.

CF: My brush slips and the needles impine themselves in my scalp which is terribly painful...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, thereís no such thing as impine.

NP: Have you got a dictionary with you, Ian Messiter? Ladies and gentlemen in the audience do you think there is such a word as impining. If you do, cheer and if you donít, boo. All do it together now please.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So you have another point and you have five seconds left for slips starting now.

CF: Such impinction causing me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: He said impinction, thereís no such word.

CF: They have decided...

NP: No, no...

CF: ...that thereís such a word as impine.

NP: Yes but thereís no past tense, impinction! Kenneth Williams you have the subject now, there are three seconds left for slips starting now.

KW: I had to wear somebody elseís slip once in this show in Southeast Asia...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: The subject is slips.

NP: Yes but it was one of his many slips that he was wearing! So heís all right. He has another point and he keeps the subject of slips Kenneth starting now.

KW: And I got this itching all over and they said...

WHISTLE

NP: What a very interesting situation at the end of that round. Clement Freud has a lead of two over the other three who are all equal in second place. Sheila itís your turn to begin the next round and the subject is irresponsibility. So will you talk for 60 seconds on irresponsibility starting now.

SH: I suppose the only time when you are totally irresponsible is when you are a baby, because then everybody does everything for you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation! Sheís always irresponsible! Iíve seen her on occasions! Sheís been noticed! Itís true! She rushes about and... yes itís true! Sheís got this moped and her crash helmet and she rushes about London being the most irresponsible, outrageous...

NP: Iím sure...

KW: ... and shouts the most rude epithets at people...

NP: Iím sure sheís quite frequently irresponsible!

KW: Yes, and to say as sheís just said she was only irresponsible when she was a baby, itís all lies! Absolute lies!

SH: I said the only time you are irresponsible is when youíre a baby!

KW: Me!!!!!!??????????

SH: I was going to go on to say this much...

KW: How dare you say such things!

NP: Iím sure that she can be irresponsible and also she can be thoroughly responsible now. So therefore it is difficult to judge. I think the only fair thing to do is to leave the subject with Sheila and say that she has 52 seconds left for irresponsibility starting now.

SH: I repeat that when you are lying in your pram, with nothing in the world to concern you except how you suck your bottle, or whatever you er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well itís deviation, sucking bottles.

NP: Yes!

KW: Disgraceful!

NP: Yes you donít suck the bottle in the pram, you suck the teat at the end of it.

KW: Precisely! Yes the point!

SH: Oh get off!

NP: So Iíll let you have that one...

SH: Well I used to suck my bottle!

NP: All right so Kenneth gains a point and he gains the subject of irresponsibility which he illustrates beautifully for us and there are 44 seconds left starting now.

KW: This comes to us in moments of rhapsodic absent mindedness. We suddenly fling off our inhibitions and become irresponsible to a degree, sometimes alarming. Viz, the behaviour of various governments weíve all seen in our time behaving extremely irresponsibly. Iíd be hard put...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Not quite, no.

SH: Iíd be hard put, he said.

NP: He might be hard put...

SH: He was illustrating it...

NP: Yes but he was catching his breath, itís all right, just. You only just got away with it Kenneth. You, I disagree with the challenge, you gain another point and there are 17 seconds left for irresponsibility starting now.

KW: It sometimes of course comes come from senility, when the mind no longer has control of the body. And they say he is totally irresponsible. He canít help himself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Totally irresponsible.

NP: Yes heís actually said it three times...

KW: Youíre allowed to say the subject on the card.

NP: No, Kenneth! Kenneth! Kenneth before you take your jacket off and really get down to fisticuffs with Clement Freud, may I point out the subject is irresponsibility...

KW: Oh well! Weíre only quarreling over the titty bit! Thatís all, innit?

NP: In this game itís enough to quarrel over, I can assure you! Actually you used the word irresponsible...

KW: I was having a go there! I was throbbing with it!

NP: You used the word irresponsibility and you said irresponsible three times. And so I agree with Clementís challenge, he takes over the subject with five seconds left, irresponsibility, starting now.

CF: I turned to the 36 men, opened the lionís cage and said "follow me here and you will...

WHISTLE

NP: As Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went then, then he gains the extra point and he has... kept his lead of two over Kenneth Williams...

KW: Oh you mean Sheilaís lost the lead?

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh, sheís lost the lead!

SH: Oh you rotten...

NP: Youíre in second place Kenneth and Sheilaís in third place with Derek. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. The subject is songs I love...

SH: Oh!

DN: Oh Gawd! Oh dear!

SH: Oh dear!

DN: Oh!

NP: Thatís rather shattered you but Iím sure you can talk about it for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: There are so many of them I would be very hard put to it, to describe them. But of course generally they come under the heading of ballads. Songs My Mother Taught Me comes immediately into my head. But then there is that beautiful In Gunda Shernin Morgenmy. Oh how often have I thrilled to those beautiful notes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: On the second beautiful. Or it might have been the third.

NP: Beautiful?

CF: Yes.

NP: Did he say beautiful... yes he did say beautiful before, thatís right, yes you said... I have to recast my mind back. So Clement I agree with the challenge, you gain a point for it, there are 12 seconds left for songs I love starting now.

CF: My uncle who was a musicologist invented many forms of combinations of notes which when out together resulted in Chan Saw, Leader...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek will you begin the next round for us, the subject is cowboys and Indians. Iím sure you can talk wonderfully on that, 60 seconds will do starting now.

DN: Now Iím going to use this word in its English sense. A cowboy is in fact a small child who tends a cattle, and not in the American way where itís clearly a man. And Indians I will use as inhabitants of that great subcontinent, and not as the indigenous inhabitants of North America. So therefore I would like to talk to you about cowboys and Indians. In particular in about a little fellow, or a number of chaps, who look after these four legged creatures in a field near County Durham. Thereís a little song about them. Oh where, oh where... oh dear!

BUZZ

NP: Oh where, oh dear! So Clement Freud, everybody buzzed then, but Clement Freudís light came on first so you win the challenge which we all know was where. So where, so Clement you gain a point and you take over the subject, cowboys and Indians, 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: In the American continent in the outback, and also in the west...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I donít think so! No, 15 seconds left for Derek, Clement to continue with cowboys and Indians starting now.

CF: (speaking quickly) It would be wholly unnatural for me to speak more quickly than I normally do but I will try and do...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Devious, heís being wholly unnatural!

NP: Yes all right, that, that, thatís a good challenge Derek so I grant it to you, 11 seconds left, cowboys and Indians starting now.

DN: And there there came rowing ashore, a lot of people in a race. Fifty-seven of them they landed on the beach. But fortunately for them...

WHISTLE

NP: Fortunately for them we will never discover what happened! Derek gets the extra point for speaking when the whistle went but heís still only in second place behind Clement Freud. Sheila and Kenneth are trailing a little. Sheila Iíd like you to begin the second, the next round if you can. She... oh gosh what a subject Ian Messiterís thought up! Itís chairing this show! What on earth are they going to say! Sheila Hancock will you try and talk for that for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

SH: This is something that all the money in the world, and all the... bribes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think Iím going to be quite different on this round as itís called chairing the show! Iím going to say yes it was a good challenge but Iím still with Sheila Hancock. I want to hear what she has to say about chairing the show! Youíll get a chance later! What do you want to say about chairing the show Sheila? Youíve got another point by the way and there are 55 seconds left starting now.

SH: Nothing in the world would induce me to chair this show. I think it is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of chair this show.

NP: Yes, well done. Sheila got another point and um, 51 seconds left for chairing this show starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: I thought Sheila might like another point!

NP: And the audience obviously agree with you! So Sheila has another point and there are 50 seconds for chairing the show Sheila starting now.

SH: You have to adjudiate between devious...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Thereís no such word as adjudiate!

SH: Oh dear! Itís no good Nick! Youíre fighting a losing battle!

NP: When youíre chairing, when youíre chairing this show you often get in such a state by the intimidation that occurs from all of you, I make slips exactly like the one that Sheilaís just made! And I thought that was very clever of you to do a vocal demonstration of what I sometimes do! So Sheila has another point and there are 41 seconds for chairing the show starting now.

SH: Between deviation, hesitation and repetition. When youíre dealing with somebody like Derek Nimmo obviously it is a very tedious job, because he is an extremely bad sport. For instance he is sitting with his legs up on the desk now listeners, because he is so upset because...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Sheís quite rightly calling me a bad sport but sheís not now talking about chairing the show. Sheís just saying that Iím a really rather rotten loser!

NP: But you could be a rotten loser... oh yes thatís right, itís not chairing the show. All right Derek I think the time has come to grant you a point and also the subject. Youíve tried very hard to get it! And there are 35 seconds left for chairing the show, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Unfortunately this show never gets...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: I thought Derek would like a point!

NP: I must point out to you all that Iíve got to be very careful in the game. Because while you might give points away in generosity to each other like this, you also might hinder somebody else...

DN: Yes, I see!

NP: ... who is doing very well without playing that sort of game. So um Derek you continue with chairing the show, there are 34 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well if you are chairing the show...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged yourself!

DN: Well Iíd like another point!

NP: So Derek challenged himself, I disagree with his challenge so he loses a point.

DN: I canít lose a point, I can stay the same! I have to answer back.

NP: No I disagree with the challenge so therefore a point is awarded against Derek Nimmo so that puts him back one. But you keep the subject and you have chairing the show Derek Nimmo, 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: What you really need to chair this show is a man of great intelligence. Unfortunately we never have this...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged! Why?

KW: Deviation!

NP: Absolutely! Absolutely!

KW: That is blatantly untrue!

NP: Absolutely Kenneth! I quite agree with you! Patently untrue! So Kenneth you have gained a well deserved point, and the speed with which you spotted it too! Iím ... so you take over the subject of chairing the show Kenneth, 27 seconds left starting now.

KW: Weíre very lucky to be in the hands of such a capable and Daniel come to judgment I would say, on this show. Indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Ken... Clement Freudís challenged. Why?

CF: Why didnít you say it?

NP: He has said it! A Daniel come to judgment, I would say. And he just said it! So he has said it!

CF: Thatís repetition then!

NP: Clement...

KW: You shut your great mouth mate! What a nerve heís got!

NP: Try a bit harder, you might yet get in on this subject. We obviously all want to hear what you want to say about it as well, Clement. But I disagree with that challenge so Kenneth gets another point and there are 18 seconds left for chairing the show Kenneth starting now.

KW: To keep order all round, to be fair and yet preserve an atmosphere of light hearted charm and gaiety, this is no mean feat! And heís got the feet!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Four feet!

NP: But his other feat was...

DN: Repetition of feat.

NP: He said this is no mean feat, which must have been spelled f-e-a-t...

DN: We donít know that...

NP: ... and he said this time heís got the feet, which must have been f-e-e-t.

DN: Well itís deviation...

NP: You canít say heís got the feat, meaning f-e-a-t. So he was using a different kind of feat. It was a great feat to do it! Do you agree with my decision, audience? Cheer if you agree with me, boo if you disagree.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point, there are two seconds left for chairing the show starting now.

KW: And I think itís in the most capable hands!

WHISTLE

NP: Well that last particular round unfortunately must be the end of this particular show and it was a very interesting round. And it also meant that while Clement Freud was in the lead at the beginning and didnít speak throughout hardly, he still stayed in the lead till the end. But the other three all leapt forward with leaps and bounds, and theyíre all equal in second place which is quite an amazing feat whichever way you spell it! And theyíre all second to this weekís winner, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.