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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 September 1970)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome the four delightful and beautiful players of the game who of course need no introduction to you all here in the audience and the listeners at home. Once again the rules are as before. I’m going to ask each one of them to speak in turn if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And one of the other three can challenge if they think they are guilty of doing this. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and if I disagree with the challenge a point will go to whoever is speaking. That’s the way we play and Sheila Hancock would you begin this round for us. The subject is a nice couple of tea. Would you talk for a minute on that starting now. SHEILA HANCOCK: When I was very young, the first song that I remember my mother singing to me was (singing) I like a nice cup of tea in the morning, and a nice cup of tea at night. And at... BUZZ SH: ...half past 11... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DEREK NIMMO: Well your mother was repeating herself! SH: Well that’s my mother’s fault, not mine! NP: What was she repeating Derek? DN: A nice cup of tea! (singing) A nice cup of tea in the morning... NP: A nice cup of tea is the actual subject... DN: (singing) A nice cup of tea at night... NP: ...matter... KENNETH WILLIAMS: That’s the subject matter! NP: Derek Nimmo the subject matter on the card is a nice cup of tea... DN: Oh well never mind. NP: And we have established in this game that you can repeat the subject two or three... DN: Of course you can! NP: So Derek Nimmo, I disagree with your challenge, don’t try and get out of it by being frightfully magnanimous because all that happens is that Sheila Hancock gains a point... DN: Yes! NP: ...because I disagree with your challenge, and if you don’t shut up you’ll lose another point and there are 40 seconds left there Sheila for a nice cup of tea starting now. SH: (singing) And at half pat eleven my idea of heaven is the thing that Derek Nimmo says I mustn’t say! (normal voice) I like a nice cup of tea first thing when I wake up in the morning. And I give one to my mother and the dog... BUZZ NP: Derek... Clement Freud you’ve challenged, why? CLEMENT FREUD: We’ve repeated mother. NP: When did Mother... CF: Mother started... DN: Mother was there before in the first bit. CF: ... and Mother came back in again. SH: Oh yeah. NP: Yes that’s right, she did, Mother has come back in again... CF: She raised her ugly head! KW: I thought she had a nice singing voice! NP: But alas we can’t have a repetition of Sheila’s mother in this particular show because she can’t say it more than once. I agree with your challenge Clement, you gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 25 seconds left for a nice cup of tea starting now. CF: There are many who think that the nicest of all possible cups of tea is lemon tea served with ice. And this should be sweetened not with sugar but with a syrup made by using the... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Of where? KW: Using... the... NP: He did hesitate at one point, but it’s unfair to... CF: I admit it! NP: Yes I know but... SH: You’re a sport, you’re a sport! NP: He did hesitate then. Kenneth you take the subject over of a nice cup of tea and there are eight seconds left starting now. KW: I am often referred to as a nice cup of tea. And... BUZZ NP: Clement, Clement Freud you’ve challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: He was waiting for the audience laughter to die down... KW: You’ve got to, you can’t talk... NP: I think he can justify. Don’t... KW: Good gracious, it’s disobeying one’s natural instincts! NP: Well don’t show the other natural instincts by stripping at this present moment, Kenneth. KW: Well it’s a hot... I feel so decalette if you know what I mean! NP: I don’t know what you feel, but would you keep a nice cup of tea which you established that you already are. Maybe that’s why you were stripping! Anyway there are two seconds for you to carry on with your nice cup of tea... SH: Two seconds! NP: Two seconds, that’s all... That’s all and he’s going to start now. KW: One for me and one for the pot put... WHISTLE KW: Guess what! Go on, tell ‘em who’s in the lead! Go on! Tell ‘em who’s in the lead! NP: Just contain yourself for a minute! Because I do want to tell them. We might have somebody who’s never heard the programme before and would like to know that that whistle was blown by Ian Messiter who thought of the game... KW: Oh they’re not interested in him! Tell ‘em who’s in the lead! NP: And they would definitely like to know that that whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up... KW: Yeah but tell ‘em who’s in the lead! NP: And I’m sure it’s very important they should know... BUZZ SH: Repetition. NP: ...that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And I’m sure they’d be fascinated to hear that at the end of that first round Kenneth Williams has a commanding lead! KW: Oh the victory! Joy... NP: Keep it up Kenneth, keep it up, you’ve got a lead of two over everybody else... KW: Oh good! NP: And the next subject could not be more apt. We want you to begin it Kenneth... KW: Oh yes! NP: It’s sensationalism! KW: Oh! NP: Yes, that’s shattered you a little hasn’t it! With sensationalism... it’s almost too difficult to say isn’t it! Sensationalism, 60 seconds starting now. KW: This is something that newspapers are famous for. Banner headlines proclaim a sensation. And people rush to buy a copy, finding out what this sensation is about... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you’ve challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Sensation. NP: Absolutely right yes we must establish what it was. I agree with the challenge Clement, you gain a point... KW: What’s in the title? CF: No! NP: Forty-three seconds left starting now. CF: Sensationalism is the trait, t-r-a-i-and the first letter repeated, of using the sort of... standing out events... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KW: Well it was hesitation. NP: It was hesitation... CF: It was! NP: Yes he was showing off! T-r-a-i-and the first letter repeated! But then he paused! Right Kenneth you take over the subject having gained another point, 32 seconds left sensationalism starting now. KW: I know people who like it done to them with feathery bits... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: Deviation! NP: Yes but he hasn’t deviated... SH: He will! He will! If you give him a chance! NP: Well Sheila all I can say is we must give him that chance! Because... SH: Oh dear! NP: ...he hasn’t deviated from the subject... SH: You’ll be taken off the air if you let him go on! Be it on your own head! NP: Well it must be on my head because I must play the rules and this is deviation from the subject, he hasn’t done that yet. So Kenneth has another point and there are 28 seconds left for sensationalism starting now. KW: They like to be tickled. This results in sensationalism. Sensationalism means for its own sake, you see, as opposed to something which is an unexpected surprise apropos, quite another (goes into fast speed gibberish) BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you’ve challenged. CF: Well deviation. NP: The lot! CF: The lot! NP: No there was deviation, we don’t know what you were talking about! It certainly didn’t sound like the subject on the card. Clement Freud has a point, he takes over the subject, nine seconds left, sensationalism starting now. CF: Blindfolded chimpanzee locked in bubble park... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: There is nothing sensational about chimpanzees being blindfolded. I’ve done it frequently. It’s such an every day occurrence to... NP: Well all I can say is you should be ashamed of the sensationalism you are likely to cause by doing it! Clement Freud has another point and he keeps the subject and there are five seconds left starting now. CF: You are never alone is a headline which you might frequently... WHISTLE NP: I’m sure you’ll agree, listeners, that some of the subjects that Ian Messiter thinks up are very difficult for me to adjudicate on. I hope I do it fairly. But now at the end of that round Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal in the lead, and Derek and Sheila are trailing more than somewhat. And Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin the next round, the subject is pleasure. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now. CF: Pleasure is dancing bare foot with Derek Nimmo on the water meadows of Warbeswick. Alternately... DN: Hear hear! CF: ... a trickle of golden guineas running through the hands into a money bag. Or to put it another way coming into my house and finding it unburgled, which permanently lifts my heart and improves my general outlook on this dreary night which Derek Nimmo knows so well that I leak... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition of Derek Nimmo. NP: Yes! CF: You can’t have too much! NP: But you can’t get out of it that way. Derek I agree with your challenge, a repetition of your name. So you take over the subject of pleasure, there are 32 seconds left starting now. DN: Oh my goodness I’m such a lucky fellow because so much gives me pleasure you know. When I go on Brighton Beach and I pick up a pebble and I examine it very closely and see the green and blue lights flashing at me, this is a moment for me of absolute and complete happiness. And yet I have to look only into the eye of a needle and through it I see a bead a shining up on a wall... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you’ve challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation alas, because it was rather beautiful and very clever to keep going like that in such a bizarre way. There are 11 seconds left Clement for pleasure starting now. CF: The inside of an elephant’s thigh is... BUZZ NP: Everybody’s challenged! But Kenneth got in first. KW: I call that indecent! I haven’t come here to hear a load of filth! I’m not going to sit here through a load of filth! The insides of people’s thighs! NP: So why are you challenging? KW: Well why did she challenge? Look at Sheila! She went white! She was appalled! There’s a lady on this show, you know, the lady over there... SH: Oh thanks Ken, thank you! KW: That’s a lady! NP: Well let’s establish why you challenged. KW: Because it’s indecent, the insides... NP: That’s not one of the subjects that you can challenge for... KW: It’s deviation, of course! NP: Deviation? KW: Yes! NP: Well I don’t know, it’s very difficult for me because to another elephant... KW: Well, ask them why... NP: ...another elephant, the inside of an elephant’s thigh might be a great pleasure! So shall I ask the audience to judge because I think according to the subject, he’s not deviating from the subject. But let you be the final judges of taste. If you agree with Kenneth’s challenge will you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Yes it was definitely my side! NP: They want that element of decency that you bring to the show! KW: They’re appalled you see! NP: Not a moment of suggestiveness or filth or anything like that! KW: Precisely! NP: Kenneth... KW: Exactly! NP: Right, so you take over the subject of pleasure with seven seconds left starting now. KW: This is always retrospective. It is only when we look back that we realise how lovely it’s all been... WHISTLE NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went he gets that extra point. And Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round and the subject is chips. Can you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now. SH: When I’m abroad, the only thing I desire more than anything in the world is a bag of chips. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about the smell of salt and vinegar that one misses dearly. I’m not frightfully good at making these objects. However I am told that you have to have a deep frying pan an plenty of oil. You can cut your potatoes in various shapes, long thin fingers or short round bits... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: She’s being suggestive! SH: I’m not! NP: She’s not only... SH: In the mind of the beholder! KW: You’ve got the quotation wrong! It’s the eye! SH: You’ve just got a filthy mind! NP: Yes that’s it! And this time not only do I disagree with you entirely but you’re not going to get the audience on your side by appealing to their sense of decency and good taste... KW: Well don’t bother about, just kick me as you pass! CF: I bet he would actually! NP: No, Sheila Hancock still has her chips and she has 34 seconds to continue talking about them starting now. SH: Which reminds me that there is a saying that you have had your these-things-on-the card. Which means usually you’re finished and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Repetition of these things. She said it three times. SH: Did I? CF: Would have been better to have said chips. NP: It would have been better... CF: At least chips is on the card! NP: Yes she actually has said card before but I don’t know about these things. She has said these things, yes... SH: Did I? NP: It’s true, two or three times, yes. SH: These foolish things! NP: Yes we can get away... that’s a rather hard challenge, I must say Clement Freud... CF: Yes! NP: A hard challenge, but if I play the game fairly I must give you a point and the subject and there are 27 seconds left for chips starting now. CF: The French have different names to describe chips. The very thick ones are called pompenerf, after which they become crisps... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation I think... SH: And affectation! KW: Yes! NP: And I can only give you one point for the hesiattion and you have your chips back again Sheila with 15 seconds left starting now. SH: They definitely taste better out of the newspaper. There’s something about the flavour out of newspaper which is... BUZZ SH: Oh! NP: Clement Freud challenged. SH: Fool, Sheila, fool! NP: Clement Freud has the subject with that challenge and there are five seconds left for chips starting now. CF: Nicely fried to a golden... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Is fried allowed because he repeated it. KW: Oh yes! Of course he did! NP: Don’t say that... KW: Yes! NP: Is it allowed... KW: Brilliant! NP: Fried has been used! CF: Yes. NP: So you have a point Derek and you have the subject for one second, chips, starting now. DN: When the chips are down... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged before the chips were down. CF: You can’t talk about... NP: Yes you can in this particular game! Derek Nimmo has another point and there’s half a second left for chips starting now. DN: And now they’ve taken the zero away from the rest... WHISTLE DN: It does make a tremendous difference to them because money goes into the house where it used to before, although to the people who are competing in the game. That’s at a casino... NP: So Derek Nimmo who was looking very hurt before should have changed his tone by now because he’s suddenly got four points. But he’s still only in third place behind Kenneth Williams who’s behind Clement Freud who’s still in quite a commanding lead. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us, the subject is Captain Cook. Can you tell us something about him in 60 seconds starting now. KW: There are many people with this name of course, from which derives the expression too many of them spoiled the broth. But the one I think we’re dealing with here was the one that in the 18th century vainly tried to find a passage through the Pacific and the Atlantic... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: I wonder! KW: What’s the matter with him? They ought to lock him out! NP: If you don’t quickly come out of your sense of wonderment... CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, yes there was a slight hesitation... KW: There was more than a slight... SH: Save it! It might come back to you! NP: Right Clement Freud has the subject and there are 40 seconds left for Captain Cook starting now. CF: When he landed on the north coast of Australia, he did not receive the sort of welcome he... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation I agree Derek, you have the subject and there are 32 seconds left for Captain Coosk... Cook starting... we’ve had too many cooks! Captain Cook starting now. DN: When I joined the Royal Ulster Rifles and went... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. He didn’t! NP: When did you join them Derek? DN: About 14 years ago come Michaelmas. NP: I’ve got to take my life in my hands and say I don’t believe you. DN: Well I’m sorry... NP: On your oath, did you join the Ulster Rifles? On your oath! DN: Um... NP: As a good churchman on television! DN: No, but... NP: No! KW: (Scottish accent) Oh this world’s wicked! I admired you for... DN: He was allowed to join the Royal Ulster Rifles before! NP: You didn’t challenge him for not joining them! Right so Clement Point has another point... KW: (Scottish accent) Oh it’s very interesting.... NP: Twenty-eight seconds left for the Royal Ulster Rifles... no, it’s not for that, 28 seconds left for Captain Cook starting now. BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo’s challenged this time. DN: Well he’s all packed up, hesitation. NP: Yes he did... CF: Who me? NP: I did say... CF: I’m sorry! NP: You were having a little game with your friend... CF: There was a filibust going on! KW: (Scottish accent) No I didn’t interrupt you at all! No... NP: That is a Highland accent, it is not an Ulster accent and it is not even an Irish accent.... KW: (Scottish accent) He was supposed to be talking about Captain Cook. I was just looking at him and he failed to come in. NP: Well stop playing with him! And let him get on with the game! Derek Nimmo has gained a point because Clement Freud not only didn’t hesitate, he actually packed up! And you have the subject of Captain Cook, I think we’re still on Captain Cook aren’t we? Anybody in the audience still remember? Captain Cook, Derek Nimmo, 27 seconds starting now. DN: When I was in His Majesty’s Intelligence Corps, we had nearby a unit of the Army Catering.. thing and there... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged? SH: Hesitation. NP: Right Sheila Hancock has a point and there are 16 seconds left for Captain Cook starting now. SH: He was a dear old man that I used to meet on the beach at Shanklin. I used to collect shells and Derek Nimmo’s tickling me! Now that’s not fair is it! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. Clement Freud challenged then. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Derek Nimmo tickling her? NP: Well... CF: Talking about Captain Cook! NP: I must say... CF: On the beach at Shanklin! NP: She might have been on the beach with this Captain Cook and Derek Nimmo might have come up and tickled her, for all I know! SH: Yes! NP: So therefore Sheila Hancock has anotherr point and there are seven seconds... DN: On my oath, I did tickle her on the beach at Shanklin! NP: There are seven... SH: And not only on the beach at Shanklin! NP: We are not going any further, we’re trying to keep an element of taste in this programme. And there are seven seconds left for Captain Cook starting now. SH: And this gentleman and I used to collect sea shells out of which we made ashtrays. He... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with Captain Cook. SH: He was called Captain Cook and he lived in Shanklin! It’s another Captain Cook! NP: This is it, you see, obviously you think of the Captain Cook but Sheila does know another Captain Cook who apparently lives in Shanklin. And if he doesn’t, he’d better write to us and tell us, otherwise it’d all be too late anyway. So Sheila has another point, there are two seconds left, Captain Cook, starting now. SH: He had a wooden leg that would make... WHISTLE NP: So as Sheila was speaking then as the whistle went, she gains an extra point and she... SH: It’s an absolute lie, I have to confess! There wasn’t a Captain Cook who lived in Shanklin. NP: I’m sorry, I’m sorry Sheila, you... DN: That’s mean! NP: ...you must not do this after you have just gained a point... SH: Well I couldn’t live with it Nicholas! NP: Anyway you weren’t deviating from the subject... SH: Well I have to cheat! Because they all cheat! KW: I’m glad your conscience got the better of you dear! NP: No you weren’t cheating... SH: No... KW: I’m glad the conscience got the better of you! I’m glad that was dealt with! I like to hear that kind of thing! Very good! Very good at all! Very good! Very sanitary! Very sanitary! NP: And that listeners, was Kenneth Williams giving his impersonation of Clement Freud! At the end of that round Sheila had leapt forward, alongside Kenneth Williams though she’s at the other side of the room, but into third place who are one point now together behind Derek Nimmo who is a few points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is bridge. Will you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now. DN: Well this is a game that was invented by the Russkies in which a rather curious display takes place. Somebody has to reveal their hand. And the chap opposite him partnering him, plays it for him. It also of course can be a crossing place over a river, and these I like very much. My favourite one are the one over the river Ware, which was immortalised in so many pieces of... Sunderland... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was a hesitation, repetition of... KW: (Laughing) Immortalised in so many pieces of Sunderland! How can you be immortalised in so many pieces of Sunderland? DN: Oh! I hadn’t finished! NP: How can you be immortalised in more than one piece anyway? KW: Pieces of Sunderland! NP: Why didn’t you challenge him? DN: Pottery I was going to say! NP: All that happened... KW: I was just... NP: If you’ll just keep quiet a second, Kenneth. Thank you very much! All that happened, if you’re still with Just A Minute, is that Clement Freud challenged for hesitation and I agreed. He gains a point and the subject and there are 33 seconds left for bridge starting now. CF: Spanning the river Thames going east, you first come to Hampton, then Richmond... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Well you don’t, it’s deviation, you don’t first come to it unless you’re coming from a certain direction. And as he didn’t say which direction he had come from, I must state that it’s factually untrue. Actually... NP: What a funny way you have of establishing he was being devious! Yes that’s a very good challenge... DN: May I.... I’m sorry, a point of fact! Mr Freud, Mr Clement Freud did say he was coming from the east. It was established quite early on... NP: No he said... CF: I was going east and therefore... SH: But where east? DN: From the east! CF: From Hampton... NP: But you’re coming from the east... CF: No I was going east. SH: You’re going west mate, if you ask... That’s nonsense! NP: He did not establish where you start from and the first bridge you see is Hampton, then you are in deviation on the subject because you might have been miles up the Thames... CF: Yes you’re absolutely right! Gosh yes! NP: So Kenneth Williams has a point and he takes over the subject Kenneth... KW: What is the subject? DN: Hampton actually, it’s Hampton! NP: Bridge! KW: Oh! NP: And there are 26 seconds left starting now. KW: The most famous bridge I suppose in the world is that incredible Sydney one. The cantilever principle on which it is billed, the har... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: On which it is billed. It’s actually built! NP: I don’t think billed or build, you know... no, it’s not quite fair. It’s trying too hard Clement. Kenneth has another point and he keeps the bridge and 14 seconds left starting now. KW: And there’s another enchanting one in St James’s Park which spans the lake and stands... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition of span. NP: Yes! The other one spanned Sydney Harbour. So you’ve spanned twice... KW: You ain’t half mean! Who picked you up on a daft thing like that! NP: Well... KW: You’re mean! NP: I don’t think that was mean, I think it was rather good. Because he was listening. So Derek gets a point and the subject and there are eight seconds left for bridge starting now. DN: It’s terribly important to have one of these in your mouth. Because otherwise you talk like Kenneth Williams, ahyn hyne new (goes into Kenneth style gibberish) BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement Freud challenged you, Derek. Why have you challenged Clement? CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Eyen, eyen, eyen! NP: I will say that the audience applause means that they agree with your challenge because I will not interpret that one and there are three seconds left for you Clement on bridge starting now. CF: Going west from London Bridge... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why? DN: Repetition of points of the compass. NP: He was going east before. DN: Yes I know, repetition of points of the compass. There’s south and north, when he gets to those I’ll challenge as well! NP: But he did not repeat the word and this is usually the way, that’s the type of repetition we give points on. So Clement has another point and still the subject of bridge and one second to go starting now. CF: Earth... WHISTLE CF: ...has not anything to show more care. Dull would we be of course would we pass by the site so touching... NP: Well I’m afraid... CF: ...the city now doth like a garment where the beauty of the morning, silent, bare, ships... NP: You’ve won! Without having to rub it in! I’m afraid that is all we have time for in this particular edition of Just A Minute. I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know that almost equal in second place were Derek Nimmo, Kenneth Williams and Sheila Hancock. And they were all a considerable way, in fact twice as many points ahead was this week’s winner Clement Freud. We do hope you’ve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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