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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 September 1970)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And of course a very warm welcome to the four scintilating players of the game who once more I’m sure are going to enjoy themselves entirely for your pleasure and try and play Just A Minute. In which they will all try and speak at different times we hope on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. The others may challenge them if they think they are guilty of doing any of these particular things. And if I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and if I disagree they will give a point away. That’s the way we play, that’s the way we score. And let us begin this particular show with Clement Freud. Clement the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you is demonectomy. So can you talk for Just A Minute on demonectomy starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: In O’Connell Street in Dublin, the... BUZZ CF: Clever subject! NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation. NP: Yes. There was a definite hesitation, yes. CF: Indeed! NP: And therefore I agree with your challenge. The subject matter obviously completely inhibited Clement. You take over the subject with a point to yourself Derek and there are 55 seconds left for demonectomy starting now. DN: In one of the darker, more gloomy parts of Hades, I was wandering alone amongst... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. Why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He’s still alive! DN: You don’t believe in reincarnation? NP: He could well have, well have been, he could well have been wandering, he could well have been wandering, he could well have been wandering in a dream or a nightmare even... CF: He didn’t mention that. NP: He didn’t! He only just started! CF: He was speaking of fact. NP: According to the way I see it, yes and that fact could have been a dream. So he could not necessarily deviating from the subject. Therefore I disagree with the challenge, Derek Nimmo gains another point and he keeps the subject with 48 seconds left, demonectomy, starting now. DN: And in my dream, there came towards me a man with a forked tail and a cloven hoof. And as he drew nigh, this demon net at me... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams, why? KENNETH WILLIAMS: Repetition he said demon twice. He said it before and said it just now. NP: He said, did you... DN: I said the subject on the card. NP: He said actually demonectomy and he did say demon, that’s right, you said demon twice. KW: Yes you did. You said demon both times. DN: I know! This demon-net-at me, net at me! NP: Yes but you also said... So Kenneth you were listening very well and you gain a point and the subject, 38 seconds left for demonectomy starting now. KW: This word of course means to have one cut out of you. Like appendectomy which is your appendix cut out, demonectomy means to have a demon cut out of you... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well same challenge, repetition of demon. NP: Derek I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 25 seconds left for demonectomy starting now. DN: I suppose the most classic case of this happened in St Matthews Gospel when Jesus Christ cast the demons into swine and sent them tumbling over a cliff. This was a very interesting... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation, that is not ectomy! NP: That is not cutting out, that is casting out. And it’s a religious way it was done, it was not done by surgery. KW: Oh brilliant! Yes! No flies on you Nick! No flies on you! You know your stuff! NP: Thank you very much Kenneth, you overwhelm me! Clement you have the subject, you’ve gained a point, there are 12 seconds left for demonectomy starting now. CF: In the capital city of Eire there lived this family called... O’Ectomy... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged. SHEILA HANCOCK: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree. I’m sure Clement was giving us something absolutely fascinating but he can’t quite find the words to get there! I agree with the hesitation Sheila, so you gain a point and you speak up for the first time on the subject of demonectomy with eight seconds left starting now. SH: There are... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: No I don’t... Sheila Hancock has another point and there are seven seconds left for demonectomy starting now. SH: So you’re taken into hospital, a needle is put into your arm and you’re given pethadin. And when you’re under, a master... WHISTLE NP: When 60 seconds are up, Ian Messiter blows his whistle. Which, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Sheila Hancock who now at the end of that round has a... no, she’s equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo, they’re both... SH: Well I’ll make the most of that because I don’t think I’ve ever been in the lead before! DN: Awww. NP: You’ve led before I think Sheila... SH: Have I? NP: You’ve done very well yes. Don't be, don’t be so modest about your ability in the game! Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round for us. The subject is getting ready to go out. Will you talk for Just A Minute on that starting now. KW: My mother always said to me the first thing to remember is put your clean underwear on! If you’re ever caught in an accident and they undress you and find your dirty underwear, what will they think of you and your background! Which is very true even to this day! So the first thing I do is to check that part of the clothing. Then of course we have to have the handkerchief and the odd accouterment that might come in handy on the journey, so to speak. Check the front door, check the water supply... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, you challenged, why? CF: Two checks. NP: He’s been checking rather a lot, yes. I agree with your challenge Clement so you take over the subject, having gained another point. And there are 26 seconds left for ready, getting ready to go out starting now. CF: One of the things that takes longer than most is combing my hair. I find the less... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged? SH: Deviation! I just don’t believe that! Looking at Clement’s hair! NP: No! Looking at him I couldn’t believe it would take you longer than anybody else. You might decide to take longer, but I don’t... Can you explain to us Clement why it takes you longer? CF: Oddly enough the less hair you have the longer it takes to comb. I mean in the old days when I had as much hair as um... NP: Nicholas Parsons! CF: ... Nicholas Parsons... NP: Yes. CF: ...it was a straightforward thing. NP: Well I am not going to judge... CF: It’s really, ask any bald man or woman or child in the audience. NP: I can’t ask all the bald men and women and child, and children, to vote on this. But as it is very difficult to judge, if you’re not, if you have as little hair as Clement Freud, I will let you be the judge, whether you think it is more, it takes longer to comb a partially bald head or not. In other words if you agree with Sheila’s challenge, will you please cheer. And if you disagree with her challenge and you’re on Clement Freud’s side will you please boo. And will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Well all I can say, the cheers kept it up the longest! So I have to give it to Sheila Hancock who has much more hair than Clement Freud. She takes over the subject of getting ready to go out and there are 18 seconds left starting now. SH: It usually starts with a darn great row with whoever I’m going out with because I am inclined to forget things. And I several times go outside and come back again. I have to fill my handbag with my powder compact, my lipsticks, my keys. Then I have to put a clean handkerchief in my pocket like Kenneth Williams, but you... WHISTLE SH: Oh! NP: Once again Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went so she gains that extra point. And she has jumped into a commanding lead.... SH: Oh dear! NP: ...two over all the others at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, slips. That is the subject, will you talk to us about slips for 60 seconds starting now. DN: When I am getting ready to go out, I always first of all put on my slip... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged? SH: Deviation. NP: Why? SH: Well it’s positively kinky, he can’t wear it! NP: Well he may be kinky, he might wear even more kinky... SH: Show us your slip then! Go on! Prove it! NP: No, Derek! Please! Whether you have one or not, he is not technically deviating from the subject on the card... SH: All right! NP: So Derek however kinky it may sound... SH: I want him to go on anyway! I want to know what else he puts on! NP: Well I disagree with the challenge so Derek gains a point and there are 55 seconds left for slips starting now. DN: Once when skating on the round pond in Kensington Gardens when it was frozen in a July morning... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: I don’t believe it! NP: I quite agree. I don’t believe it was ever frozen on a July morning. CF: Or afternoon! NP: Or afternoon. Yes. DN: You have no imagination then! NP: No I’m not going to give you your imagination, I think I could have given it to you before, not on this one. So Clement Freud you will gain a point and you take over the subject of slips and there are 48 seconds left starting now. CF: I well recall when playing cricket at Wembley Park the captain approached me and said "where will you field?" I said "anywhere as long as it’s close to you". And he was fielding in the slips, which is how I came to be a wicket-keeper. The bowler took ball and thundered down to the crease, delivered... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: He’s not talking about slips now, he’s talking either about cricket or wicket-keeping but not talking about specific, specifically about slips. NP: No he isn’t, he went on to wicket-keeping, he went on to bowling, and that is not the slips. So Derek... CF: If you don’t bowl, the ball will never come to the slips! You have no imagination! NP: Derek Nimmo I agree with your challenge, you take over the subject of slips and there are 26 seconds left starting now. DN: I think there’s a tremendous amount of truth in the saying there’s many a slip between cup and lip. You have only to look at the way I am lifting this cup at this moment... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Second cup. NP: You get a point and there are 16 seconds left for slips starting now. CF: Before I get ready to go out and brush my hair... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged? SH: Deviation, he’s talking about the last subject. Or the subject before. NP: Well he could still, he hadn’t got going, he could well have been going into the slips. He could well have been going to field in the slips and combing his hair for that purpose. There are 12 seconds left for the slips Clement starting now. CF: My brush slips and the needles impine themselves in my scalp which is terribly painful... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, there’s no such thing as impine. NP: Have you got a dictionary with you, Ian Messiter? Ladies and gentlemen in the audience do you think there is such a word as impining. If you do, cheer and if you don’t, boo. All do it together now please. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So you have another point and you have five seconds left for slips starting now. CF: Such impinction causing me... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why? KW: He said impinction, there’s no such word. CF: They have decided... NP: No, no... CF: ...that there’s such a word as impine. NP: Yes but there’s no past tense, impinction! Kenneth Williams you have the subject now, there are three seconds left for slips starting now. KW: I had to wear somebody else’s slip once in this show in Southeast Asia... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: The subject is slips. NP: Yes but it was one of his many slips that he was wearing! So he’s all right. He has another point and he keeps the subject of slips Kenneth starting now. KW: And I got this itching all over and they said... WHISTLE NP: What a very interesting situation at the end of that round. Clement Freud has a lead of two over the other three who are all equal in second place. Sheila it’s your turn to begin the next round and the subject is irresponsibility. So will you talk for 60 seconds on irresponsibility starting now. SH: I suppose the only time when you are totally irresponsible is when you are a baby, because then everybody does everything for you... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation! She’s always irresponsible! I’ve seen her on occasions! She’s been noticed! It’s true! She rushes about and... yes it’s true! She’s got this moped and her crash helmet and she rushes about London being the most irresponsible, outrageous... NP: I’m sure... KW: ... and shouts the most rude epithets at people... NP: I’m sure she’s quite frequently irresponsible! KW: Yes, and to say as she’s just said she was only irresponsible when she was a baby, it’s all lies! Absolute lies! SH: I said the only time you are irresponsible is when you’re a baby! KW: Me!!!!!!?????????? SH: I was going to go on to say this much... KW: How dare you say such things! NP: I’m sure that she can be irresponsible and also she can be thoroughly responsible now. So therefore it is difficult to judge. I think the only fair thing to do is to leave the subject with Sheila and say that she has 52 seconds left for irresponsibility starting now. SH: I repeat that when you are lying in your pram, with nothing in the world to concern you except how you suck your bottle, or whatever you er... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well it’s deviation, sucking bottles. NP: Yes! KW: Disgraceful! NP: Yes you don’t suck the bottle in the pram, you suck the teat at the end of it. KW: Precisely! Yes the point! SH: Oh get off! NP: So I’ll let you have that one... SH: Well I used to suck my bottle! NP: All right so Kenneth gains a point and he gains the subject of irresponsibility which he illustrates beautifully for us and there are 44 seconds left starting now. KW: This comes to us in moments of rhapsodic absent mindedness. We suddenly fling off our inhibitions and become irresponsible to a degree, sometimes alarming. Viz, the behaviour of various governments we’ve all seen in our time behaving extremely irresponsibly. I’d be hard put... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Hesitation. NP: Not quite, no. SH: I’d be hard put, he said. NP: He might be hard put... SH: He was illustrating it... NP: Yes but he was catching his breath, it’s all right, just. You only just got away with it Kenneth. You, I disagree with the challenge, you gain another point and there are 17 seconds left for irresponsibility starting now. KW: It sometimes of course comes come from senility, when the mind no longer has control of the body. And they say he is totally irresponsible. He can’t help himself... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Totally irresponsible. NP: Yes he’s actually said it three times... KW: You’re allowed to say the subject on the card. NP: No, Kenneth! Kenneth! Kenneth before you take your jacket off and really get down to fisticuffs with Clement Freud, may I point out the subject is irresponsibility... KW: Oh well! We’re only quarreling over the titty bit! That’s all, innit? NP: In this game it’s enough to quarrel over, I can assure you! Actually you used the word irresponsible... KW: I was having a go there! I was throbbing with it! NP: You used the word irresponsibility and you said irresponsible three times. And so I agree with Clement’s challenge, he takes over the subject with five seconds left, irresponsibility, starting now. CF: I turned to the 36 men, opened the lion’s cage and said "follow me here and you will... WHISTLE NP: As Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went then, then he gains the extra point and he has... kept his lead of two over Kenneth Williams... KW: Oh you mean Sheila’s lost the lead? NP: Yes! KW: Oh, she’s lost the lead! SH: Oh you rotten... NP: You’re in second place Kenneth and Sheila’s in third place with Derek. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. The subject is songs I love... SH: Oh! DN: Oh Gawd! Oh dear! SH: Oh dear! DN: Oh! NP: That’s rather shattered you but I’m sure you can talk about it for Just A Minute starting now. KW: There are so many of them I would be very hard put to it, to describe them. But of course generally they come under the heading of ballads. Songs My Mother Taught Me comes immediately into my head. But then there is that beautiful In Gunda Shernin Morgenmy. Oh how often have I thrilled to those beautiful notes... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: On the second beautiful. Or it might have been the third. NP: Beautiful? CF: Yes. NP: Did he say beautiful... yes he did say beautiful before, that’s right, yes you said... I have to recast my mind back. So Clement I agree with the challenge, you gain a point for it, there are 12 seconds left for songs I love starting now. CF: My uncle who was a musicologist invented many forms of combinations of notes which when out together resulted in Chan Saw, Leader... WHISTLE NP: Derek will you begin the next round for us, the subject is cowboys and Indians. I’m sure you can talk wonderfully on that, 60 seconds will do starting now. DN: Now I’m going to use this word in its English sense. A cowboy is in fact a small child who tends a cattle, and not in the American way where it’s clearly a man. And Indians I will use as inhabitants of that great subcontinent, and not as the indigenous inhabitants of North America. So therefore I would like to talk to you about cowboys and Indians. In particular in about a little fellow, or a number of chaps, who look after these four legged creatures in a field near County Durham. There’s a little song about them. Oh where, oh where... oh dear! BUZZ NP: Oh where, oh dear! So Clement Freud, everybody buzzed then, but Clement Freud’s light came on first so you win the challenge which we all know was where. So where, so Clement you gain a point and you take over the subject, cowboys and Indians, 20 seconds left starting now. CF: In the American continent in the outback, and also in the west... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. NP: Oh I don’t think so! No, 15 seconds left for Derek, Clement to continue with cowboys and Indians starting now. CF: (speaking quickly) It would be wholly unnatural for me to speak more quickly than I normally do but I will try and do... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Devious, he’s being wholly unnatural! NP: Yes all right, that, that, that’s a good challenge Derek so I grant it to you, 11 seconds left, cowboys and Indians starting now. DN: And there there came rowing ashore, a lot of people in a race. Fifty-seven of them they landed on the beach. But fortunately for them... WHISTLE NP: Fortunately for them we will never discover what happened! Derek gets the extra point for speaking when the whistle went but he’s still only in second place behind Clement Freud. Sheila and Kenneth are trailing a little. Sheila I’d like you to begin the second, the next round if you can. She... oh gosh what a subject Ian Messiter’s thought up! It’s chairing this show! What on earth are they going to say! Sheila Hancock will you try and talk for that for Just A Minute on that subject starting now. SH: This is something that all the money in the world, and all the... bribes... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. NP: I think I’m going to be quite different on this round as it’s called chairing the show! I’m going to say yes it was a good challenge but I’m still with Sheila Hancock. I want to hear what she has to say about chairing the show! You’ll get a chance later! What do you want to say about chairing the show Sheila? You’ve got another point by the way and there are 55 seconds left starting now. SH: Nothing in the world would induce me to chair this show. I think it is... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition of chair this show. NP: Yes, well done. Sheila got another point and um, 51 seconds left for chairing this show starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged. DN: I thought Sheila might like another point! NP: And the audience obviously agree with you! So Sheila has another point and there are 50 seconds for chairing the show Sheila starting now. SH: You have to adjudiate between devious... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo? DN: There’s no such word as adjudiate! SH: Oh dear! It’s no good Nick! You’re fighting a losing battle! NP: When you’re chairing, when you’re chairing this show you often get in such a state by the intimidation that occurs from all of you, I make slips exactly like the one that Sheila’s just made! And I thought that was very clever of you to do a vocal demonstration of what I sometimes do! So Sheila has another point and there are 41 seconds for chairing the show starting now. SH: Between deviation, hesitation and repetition. When you’re dealing with somebody like Derek Nimmo obviously it is a very tedious job, because he is an extremely bad sport. For instance he is sitting with his legs up on the desk now listeners, because he is so upset because... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged, why? DN: She’s quite rightly calling me a bad sport but she’s not now talking about chairing the show. She’s just saying that I’m a really rather rotten loser! NP: But you could be a rotten loser... oh yes that’s right, it’s not chairing the show. All right Derek I think the time has come to grant you a point and also the subject. You’ve tried very hard to get it! And there are 35 seconds left for chairing the show, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: Unfortunately this show never gets... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock’s challenged. SH: I thought Derek would like a point! NP: I must point out to you all that I’ve got to be very careful in the game. Because while you might give points away in generosity to each other like this, you also might hinder somebody else... DN: Yes, I see! NP: ... who is doing very well without playing that sort of game. So um Derek you continue with chairing the show, there are 34 seconds left starting now. DN: Well if you are chairing the show... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged yourself! DN: Well I’d like another point! NP: So Derek challenged himself, I disagree with his challenge so he loses a point. DN: I can’t lose a point, I can stay the same! I have to answer back. NP: No I disagree with the challenge so therefore a point is awarded against Derek Nimmo so that puts him back one. But you keep the subject and you have chairing the show Derek Nimmo, 33 seconds left starting now. DN: What you really need to chair this show is a man of great intelligence. Unfortunately we never have this... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged! Why? KW: Deviation! NP: Absolutely! Absolutely! KW: That is blatantly untrue! NP: Absolutely Kenneth! I quite agree with you! Patently untrue! So Kenneth you have gained a well deserved point, and the speed with which you spotted it too! I’m ... so you take over the subject of chairing the show Kenneth, 27 seconds left starting now. KW: We’re very lucky to be in the hands of such a capable and Daniel come to judgment I would say, on this show. Indeed... BUZZ NP: Ken... Clement Freud’s challenged. Why? CF: Why didn’t you say it? NP: He has said it! A Daniel come to judgment, I would say. And he just said it! So he has said it! CF: That’s repetition then! NP: Clement... KW: You shut your great mouth mate! What a nerve he’s got! NP: Try a bit harder, you might yet get in on this subject. We obviously all want to hear what you want to say about it as well, Clement. But I disagree with that challenge so Kenneth gets another point and there are 18 seconds left for chairing the show Kenneth starting now. KW: To keep order all round, to be fair and yet preserve an atmosphere of light hearted charm and gaiety, this is no mean feat! And he’s got the feet! BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Four feet! NP: But his other feat was... DN: Repetition of feat. NP: He said this is no mean feat, which must have been spelled f-e-a-t... DN: We don’t know that... NP: ... and he said this time he’s got the feet, which must have been f-e-e-t. DN: Well it’s deviation... NP: You can’t say he’s got the feat, meaning f-e-a-t. So he was using a different kind of feat. It was a great feat to do it! Do you agree with my decision, audience? Cheer if you agree with me, boo if you disagree. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth Williams you have another point, there are two seconds left for chairing the show starting now. KW: And I think it’s in the most capable hands! WHISTLE NP: Well that last particular round unfortunately must be the end of this particular show and it was a very interesting round. And it also meant that while Clement Freud was in the lead at the beginning and didn’t speak throughout hardly, he still stayed in the lead till the end. But the other three all leapt forward with leaps and bounds, and they’re all equal in second place which is quite an amazing feat whichever way you spell it! And they’re all second to this week’s winner, Clement Freud! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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