WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, NICHOLAS PARSONS and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by KENNETH WILLIAMS (Radio, 23 February 1970)
ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Nicholas Parsons and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is this weekís chairman Kenneth Williams.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Thank you very much, thank you, thatís nice! Thank you! Well some achieve greatness, some are born to greatness and some have it thrust on them. Itís been thrust on me this week! To be chairman because Nick Parsons said you, you can try getting a bit of your own medicine, back on me, you know. Because we do have a go at him some weeks. So this week Iím the chairman, just for this week, you see! And you have to speak as you know in this game for 60 seconds without repeating yourself and without hesitating and without deviating. And the first subject this week is the alphabet. And our first contestant is Nicholas Parsons. So will you speak for 60 seconds Nicholas without doing any of those things that I just said, in other words talk about the alphabet for 60 seconds starting now.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, P, Q...
KW: Iím sorry Nicholas, you have been challenged. Clement you challenged on what grounds?
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation, he left out the O.
KW: Oh! Oh well if you left out the O, Iím afraid that definitely is deviation. Therefore a point...
NP: Did I leave out the O?
KW: Yes Iím afraid you did. A point goes to Clement Freud and Clement Freud has...
NP: It shows how nervous I am!
KW: ... the subject, you have 40 seconds left Clement for the alphabet starting now.
CF: The alpha bet is a Grecian punt. Itís a sort of financial investment on animals which is done as a double, a treble or an accumulator might be procured by placing...
KW: A challenge, Iím sorry, you were challenged. Whoís that challenge? Derek why did you challenge?
DEREK NIMMO: Ah sorry Kenneth but deviation, heís making it up. You see thereís no such thing as an alpha bet.
KW: Ah I thought there was in betting parlance. Iím not familiar with this world at all. I do little punting myself, Iíve never punted, you know. So therefore I give you, I concede this point to you, yes, so you gain a point...
NP: Who gets the point?
KW: And you are left with 25 seconds to discuss the alphabet starting now.
DN: A is for apple. That was the first phrase in my little book which I learned when I was very small. And then B is for Basket in which we put peas. C is for Charlies that walk round my knees. D is for Derek who sits here so fine. E is for Eric, I know heíll not be mine. F is for Freddie who walks round the house. G is for Gertie whoís as small as a mouse. H is for Harry who is such a fellow...
KW: Well Derek Nimmo gets a point for speaking when the whistle blew. That means heís in the lead. Clement Freud is close behind him. And Geraldine and Nicholas have, Iím afraid, yet to score. However we go on now to the next subject which is the film industry. Geraldine Jones you speak for 60 seconds on the film industry starting now.
GERALDINE JONES: Some people labour under the delusion that the film industry is about stars and exciting people. There are in fact mere shells and they are motivated and organised by very brave people who might just as well be used selling soap. In fact the whole business exists on the fear that one of these days people arenít going to go to the cinema any more and then theyíre all going to be needed selling...
DN: Well Iím pleased to say hesitation.
KW: Yes Iím afraid hesitation. You have a point Derek and you continue the subject for 35 seconds starting now.
DN: Well thereís no business like film business, gosh, itís exciting!
KW: Why have you challenged?
CF: Repetition of business.
KW: Oh Clem, Clem, really!
DN: Absolutely right! Absolutely right!
KW: Most ungallant of you but absolutely correct so you gain a point and you continue for 32 seconds starting now.
CF: The film industry is one of the most vibrant in this country. If you look at the stock index and look at the...
KW: You challenged?
NP: On look, he said look twice.
KW: Yes, he said look twice did he? Well thatís fair enough, thatís right, thatís right! Yes we canít argue about that! Therefore you get a point, you get a point, Nicholas Parsons gets a point and you continue with the subject. There are 18 seconds to discuss the film industry starting now.
NP: The film industry is devoted to making cinematograph experiments and other forms of entertainment that are seen on wide screens, small screens, videos...
KW: Oh why have you challenged Geraldine?
GJ: Repetition of screens.
KW: Screen, did you say it twice?
NP: Yeah I said it twice.
KW: Oh well you get a point Geraldine and continue with the subject of the film industry for 12 seconds starting now.
GJ: The first thing that I know about is that it involves a tremendous amount of money usually...
KW: Who challenged you? Derek again. Why are you challenging Derek?
DN: Iím frightfully sorry. Tremndous actually, sheís said tremendous twice.
KW: Tremendous twice, you said?
DN: Tremendous in the past...
KW: You get a point and you continue with the subject for seven seconds starting from now.
DN: Throughout all the Odeons and the ABCs in this country...
KW: Who challenged there?
KW: Thereís an awful lot of challenging going on here! On what grounds are you challenging Clement?
CF: You canít advertise your local cinemas on this programme!
KW: Oh absolutely right! Thatís against the charter! You have offended the charter! I am appointed here by the BBC, yes I am the adjudicator, the judge, I am the final arbiter. I shall not shirk my duty! I will not evade my responsibility! Youíre absolutely right, you get a point Clement Freud, you continue with the subject and you have four seconds to discuss the film industry starting now.
CF: Cameras, lenses and other capital equipment are essential to any company...
KW: Oh brilliant! Very good Clem! Yes! Well Clement gained a point there because he was talking you see when the whistle blew! Which means he scored and heís level with Derek, would you say?
IAN MESSITER: No heís one behind.
KW: Oh heís just one behind Derek, so Derek is still in the lead, Geraldine one, Nicholas one. So you and Geraldine are sharing, Nick! Sharing er...
NP: What are we sharing?
KW: Sharing third place, third place! Thatís what youíre sharing you see!
NP: Oh I thought it was something more exciting!
KW: And we go on to the next subject, the next subject is needing dough, needing dough. And I should tell you listeners that it is written on the card as needing with a N, and not with a K. Needing dough, would you speak for 60 seconds on that subject, Derek Nimmo, starting now.
DN: Well as Mr Williams has very clearly explained, it does refer to the obtaining of money or the want of money. And this is something that I from time to time do need quite desperately. I remember in earlier periods...
KW: Right Nick, you challenged. Why?
KW: Hesitation? I didnít notice a hesitation at all! No I think you gain another point Derek, go on!
DN: Thank you Kenneth!
KW: For forty seconds, continue, now.
DN: Now, right, yes, well, sorry I...
DN: We usually say starting now, you see!
KW: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: That was hesitation!
KW: That was hesitation, Iím afraid youíre absolutely right! Clement gains a point and you continue with 30, no 45 seconds starting now.
CF: I was once in Market Harborough with only 11 and tuppence in my pocket. Desperate to attain more, I went into a public house, addressed the landlord whose name was Thorneycroft, and said "excuse me sir I am desirous of having a little more...
KW: Oh Nick challenged? Why?
NP: Deviation, thereís no chap called Thorneycroft who has a pub in Market Harborough.
KW: Perfectly right! Absolutely right! You gain a point, you gain a point...
CF: You wait till the letters come in!
KW: You take over the subject...
CF: Mr Thorneycroft Iím terribly sorry!
KW: ...starting now.
NP: Well of course this is a very vital mis...er...
KW: Who challenged? Clement Freud why did you challenge Clement?
NP: I never get started! Iím packing it in!
KW: Why did you challenge Clement?
KW: Hesitation, youíre perfectly right! You gain a point and you continue with 28 seconds needing dough starting now.
CF: In Oakham and Uppingham in dire distress I once had to call...
KW: Yes why have you challenged Derek?
DN: Repetition of dire distress.
KW: Thatís a repetition of dire distress!
DN: Repetition of dire distress, I said.
KW: Yes! You gain a point, you gain a point, you now have ah 22 seconds to discuss needing dough starting now.
DN: When I was in this condition once, I walked up and down Oxford Street dressed as a cat with sandwich boards on! Another time I went through Newport and Monmouthshire with an alligatorís head with also a great advertisement saying would you please come to a dance that I was organising. Other times when I have been needing...
KW: Yes Iím sorry who was that challenge? Clement, hesitation?
KW: Yes Iím afraid absolutely right. Clement is justified in that challenge, yes, you gain a point and you have five seconds in which to discuss needing dough starting now.
CF: I went to the bank and demanded to see the manager. Look here, my good fellow, I said to him, it is essential that...
KW: Oh another challenge! Derek why have you challenged?
DN: Deviation, his bank manager couldnít be a good fellow!
KW: Thatís totally true! Very good! Yes! Oh the delight of it!
CF: Isnít that exactly why one calls the bank manager my dear fellow? Because heís so often not?
KW: I think you gain the point Derek, yes you have a point there and you have half a second left to start needing dough starting now.
DN: Iím down to the labour exchange!
KW: Oh he won! Oh Iím so excited! Whoís in the lead now? Oh Derekís leapt into the lead, thereís no doubt about that is there! Oh Derek Nimmoís leapt into the lead, quite startling there! Clement Freud would you speak on the subject of thespians for 60 seconds starting from now.
CF: A thespian is one like Nicholas Parsons who started in the theatre and like Derek Nimmo who has carried on in the musical industry, appearing in dinner jackets or tail coats, rushing into theatres. Sometimes late into the afternoon, occasionally early in the evening, where a small man steps out of his box and says um...
KW: Hesitation Iím afraid. Geraldine was that your challenge?
GJ: It was actually.
KW: Yes youíre absolutely right, you gain a point and you have the subject, you have the subject, you have 35 seconds on thespians starting now.
GJ: I once spent a very long and boring year at school in the United States. And there the rather pretentious...
KW: Oh a challenge from Clement, why was that challenge?
KW: Deviation, perfectly correct...
GJ: No, no...
KW: You gain a point and you have left 30 seconds to discuss thespians starting now.
CF: There are costumiers who will hire you clothes...
KW: Oh a challenge from Geraldine, why are you challenging Geraldine?
KW: Why, what about?
GJ: Well thespians arenít actors and costumiers arenít!
KW: Absolutely true! You gain a point, yes... The audience is, the audience are obviously with this very attractive lady sitting here! And she has 35 seconds in which to discuss thespians starting now.
GJ: The thespians at this afore mentioned place of education were the rather pretentious dramatic society...
KW: Why have you challenged?
DN: Repetition of pretentious.
KW: Youíve no right to challenge! And moreover itís extremely ungallant to interrupt a lady in the middle of a lovely tirade! Sheís got, what is it now, 22 seconds to discuss thespians starting now.
GJ: Several times year they put on extremely bad plays in which they couldnít really act because they didnít mirror...
KW: Oh I bet they couldnít act! I can see that lot! I can just see it! Oh I bet it was a riot! Who interrupted? Derek why did you interrupt?
KW: Hesitation, you are perfectly right! He gains a point and you have 14 seconds in which to discuss thespians Derek, please pull yourself together! Fourteen seconds in which to discuss thespians starting now.
DN: They are called after the semi mythological Greek...
KW: Nick why did you challenge?
NP: A hesitation.
KW: A hesitation, did you see a hesitation there Nick? Oh was there? You get a point there Nick, you get a point unquestionably and you have 10 seconds in which to discuss thespians starting now.
NP: One of the greatest thespians I ever saw was Sir Laurence Olivier...
KW: Oh what was that challenge?
GJ: Iím sorry, my hand slipped!
KW: Oh your hand slipped? Ah! Geraldine is becoming very nervous here! As you can see the score is creeping up there, itís getting very er... itís getting worked up! Iím getting quite worked up myself! Yes! Iím throbbing in empathy with you all! Yes yes thereís no points scored there, is there! Nick continues for seven seconds with the subject of thespians starting now.
NP: I went to see this actor on the stage when I was quite a young lad at the Old Vic. And he was playing MacBeth. And he said "if it were done when it is, twere it was done quickly". If the fascination...
KW: Oh brilliant! Brilliant! Ah thatís clever! Thatís clever isnít it! Very good! He is good isnít he! Ah yes well Iím afraid Derek Nimmo still has a resounding lead, oh collosal! You should go out and take a bow, I tell you! Youíre doing terribly well! The next subject is feeding, feeding you know. In other words the intake of nutrition, so to speak! Feeding, feeding! Nicholas would you talk for 60 seconds on the subject of feeding starting from now.
NP: Feeding is absolutely essential to the human body. All animals indulge in this. I do it about three times a day. But of course other things need feeding as well, like plants. Now I am lucky, I live quite near stables. And every time when the horses go by, I rush out with my little bucket and spade and get the essentials of...
KW: What is your challenge Derek?
DN: Heís talking about fertilisation, not feeding!
KW: I see yes! But you could say that loosely the subject is still being talked about so I donít think itís deviation. So I give you a point Nicholas, you continue with the subject, you have 45 seconds starting now.
NP: All plants need to be fed...
KW: Why have you challenged Clement?
CF: Repetition of plants.
KW: Plants, oh, Iím afraid you did repeat yourself, yes, so you get one point Clement and you have 40 seconds, 40 seconds, 41 seconds Iím sorry, to discuss feeding starting now.
CF: In canteens this happens at least twice a day when the mass assembly gathers together and in other words, they pick up a knife and a fork, and begin to shovel into them meat and fish, vegetables and fruit, rice and potatoes, often washed down with tea, coffee, wine, other...
KW: Geraldine challenged. why, Geraldine?
KW: Deviation, why?
GJ: Heís talking about drinking, not feeding!
KW: Ah but itís an essential part of the process dear! Got to be washed down, yes! Youíre having a load of starch, you need a load of tannic acid to wash the lot down, I should think! Thatís what tea is, innit? No, heís a lovely fellow Clem, he gets a point and he keeps the subject, how much has he got, 20 seconds Clement starting from now.
CF: In the world of our dumb friends, this is usually done with earth, water...
KW: Hesitation, Iím afraid? Yes, hesitation, you get one point Nick and you continue with the subject with 15 seconds starting from now.
NP: When you collect the manure, it is essential not to put it immediately on to the plants, because it has got a lot of acid in it, and it...
KW: Yes that is true! Who challenged? Oh Derek! Derek why did you challenge?
DN: Repetition of plants yet again!
KW: Oh he said it twi... oh Iím so sorry! You gain a point Derek and you continue with the subject, you have eight seconds to discuss it starting now.
DN: So I went up to the meter maid and I said Iím sorry that Iím feeding the thing. But she said you mustnít do it you know, you know that itís against the law. And I said Iím terribly sorry, I wonít do it again...
KW: Yes, why did you challenge Clement?
CF: Deviation, nothing to do with feeding.
KW: Youíre absolutely right!
DN: Feeding the meter!
KW: You gain a point and you continue with the subject Clement, you have two seconds to discuss feeding starting from now.
CF: White fit...
KW: Oh you won again! Oh you are clever! That is good isnít it! Marvelous! Ah well Clement of course by a brilliant stroke has plunged literally into the lead, and Derek youíre now behind him, and youíve still got a place Geraldine and Nicholas! Oh well keep up the good work! Geraldine can you speak on keeping up with the Joneses for 60 seconds. Keeping up with the Joneses, a happy pun there, a bit of serendipity so to speak, hahahhahahaha! I canít believe myself! Keeping up with the Joneses for 60 seconds starting now.
GJ: This is something that of course I personally never found the smallest difficulty in doing. I do understand however that some people would differ with me in the interpretation of this phrase, and suppose that it is rather like keeping up with rabbits. There are so many Joneses that nobody can actually count them. And what I mean by it is the impossibility of attaining the lustrous heights which are constantly reached by anyone bearing my most magnificent name is something that they donít really...
KW: Who challenged there? Derek why did you challenge?
DN: Well it;s not a magnificent name! Itís a fairly dreary old common name!
KW: It is one of the greatest names in the history of the Principality of Wales!
DN: Just because youíre...
KW: And moreover I think you have adopted the most ungallant attitude to this lovely child here! Iím appalled, itís an absolute disgrace! A point to Geraldine...
DN: Just because heís called Williams!
KW: Two points to Geraldine! Oh thereís a nice crowd here tonight! Yes! And so Geraldine you have 33 seconds left to discuss the subject of keeping up with the Joneses starting from now.
GJ: There is one section of the population which finds this particularly difficult...
KW: A challenge from Derek again! A challenge from you again Derek! On what grounds? What grounds could there be?
DN: Iím sorry, repetition of population.
KW: Was it repetition of population?
DN: Repetition of population.
KW: Oh well Iím sorry Geraldine, that I cannot allow. Derek wins a point, Derek gains a point and he has 30 seconds to speak on keeping up with the Joneses starting now.
DN: One of the Joneses I am closest to is Geraldine. Everything she finds so boring and dreary. She has no enjoyment of life at all! So why does one want to keep up with her?
KW: Oh dear! Clement, Clement Freudís challenged. Why did you challenge?
CF: Deviation, she adores life!
KW: Deviation! She adores life! That is absolutely true! So you gain a point Clement and you have left 22 seconds to discuss keeping up with the Joneses starting now.
CF: I once went out with two sisters called Amanda and Natalia Jones...
KW: Nick why have you challenged?
NP: Well itís very repetitious to go out with two sisters.
KW: Nonetheless, nonetheless, nonetheless, I would say itís advantageous! Hahahha! So he gets a point for that, Clement gets a point and continues with the subject, you have 22 seconds for keeping up with the Joneses starting now.
CF: They were respectively four foot nine and four foot 11...
KW: Oh a challenge from Nick, why was that?
NP: Repetition of four.
KW: Yes Iím afraid there was a four before. Yes you get a point Nick, you get a point, and youíve got the subject Nicholas, 12 seconds for keeping up with the Joneses starting now.
NP: Youíve just got to keep up with the Joneses, it doesnít matter what you do. Go out today, tomorrow, it doesnít matter. Find something you can do, get new clothes, a new personality, stand up there and shout...
KW: Oh youíve been challenged, Derekís challenged you, on what grounds?
DN: It doesnít matter, he repeated it...
KW: It doesnít matter! Right you continue with the subject for five seconds keeping up with the Joneses starting now.
DN: If you go down to Aberystwyth itís terribly difficult to keep up with them because there are so many...
KW: Oh thatís very clever! Very clever! Yes! Very nice! Mmmm! Yes well Nick youíre going up, youíre going up, youíre almost second but not quite, not quite, no. Clementís still in the lead Iím afraid, followed very closely by Derek. And Geraldine trailing. Darling now do pecker up there, come along, you can do better than this! Now the next subject is rubies. Youíve all heard of rubies, the jewels, blood red ruby, on the card is written rubies. Will you speak Derek on the subject of rubies for 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Itís a great regret to me that so many Christian names are disappearing from the English language. Pearl seems to be on the disappearance. Gertrude, Barbarina...
KW: Oh Nick why did you challenge?
NP: Well it was hesitation.
KW: You thought it was hesitation? Well you must tell us honestly Derek, were you hesitating? Now come along! You are on oath! Come on!
DN: I was finding a slight difficulty with my speech impediment...
KW: Thatís good enough for me! Thatís good enough for me! You were fumbling dear! Thatís obvious! You were fumbling! Right you gain a point Nicholas and you get the subject, you have 50 seconds to discuss rubies starting now.
NP: Everybody used to say Rubyís got the very best pair in the whole of the business. Her two legs were abso...
NP: ...lutely tremendous, as you walked down the street...
KW: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, you were challenged, you were challenged by Derek...
NP: I never get started!
KW: On what grounds?
DN: Deviation, best pair.
KW: Best pair, deviation?
DN: Deviation and repetition...
DN: Best pair...
KW: Yes the best pair would be deviating Iím afraid. We give you a point and you have 45 seconds to discuss rubies starting now.
NP: Excuse me...
KW: Starting now! Come along!
DN: Ruby McElvoy who lived just outside the small town of Hambleheppen...
KW: Challenge from Nick.
NP: Deviation, there is no such place as Hambleheppen.
KW: Yes Iím afraid that is absolutely right, you gain a point...
DN: There is actually!
KW: ...and you have...
DN: There is!
KW: ...40 seconds to discuss rubies starting now.
NP: Of course the whole point is that this particular precious stone is one of the most valuable of all. One of the most difficult things...
KW: Challenge from Derek. Why did you challenge?
DN: Deviation, itís not one of the most valuable of all!
NP: It is!
KW: It is you know, youíre absolutely right, the koh-i-noor is infinitely more valuable so you get a point and the subject is rubies, 32 seconds in which to discuss rubies starting now.
DN: I think one of the most beautiful rubies must be that that was given by the Sultan of Turkey to Lord Nelson after his victory...
KW: A challenge from Clement. Why did you challenge Clement?
CF: He didnít give him one!
KW: He didnít give him one, youíre absolutely right, you gain a point and you have the subject, you have 36 seconds in which to discuss rubies starting now.
CF: But the Maharajah of Kutbikah gave one to his wife, which is now on show in the Wallace collection in London, which is open daily and on Sunday afternoons from 2 until 5.30...
KW: A challenge from Geraldine. Yes Geraldine why are you challenging?
GJ: Deviation and advertising.
KW: Deviation, advertising? On the contrary I thought the information was fabulous. Go on Clement, yes! No points awarded. Go on Clement!
CF: Many jewellers receive these stones and are then asked to cut them into shapes which are required by the prospective purchasers in order that they reflect the true beauty of the inherent value of these...
KW: Oh! That was brilliant! Oh that was marvellous! Oh! Oh Iím beside myself there! Oh Iíve never heard such fluency, such articulation! Oh youíre a very gifted fellow, thereís no doubt about it! And moreover youíre in the lead! Derek second and the rest of you still trailing. Well here we go. Clement, carrier pigeons. Will you discuss carrier pigeons for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: This used to be one of the most popular forms of transport. One got a pigeon and trained it...
KW: yes a challenge from Derek, why are you challenging Derek?
DN: Deviation, itís not a form of transport. Nobody was carried by it!
KW: Absolutely right, you gain a point and you have 55 seconds to discuss carrier pigeons starting now.
DN: It was in fact one of the best ways of sending messages. You used to take them in large baskets, down to the front, where the warring crowd such as Lord Nelson in the Battle of Lenower when he got that lovely ruby from the Sultan in Turkey, which is absolutely true. He got it out of his hat and gave it to him! Anyway he sent a message off via carrier pigeon to Lady Hamilton...
KW: Nick was worried, a challenge from Nick, why are you challenging Nick?
NP: Repetition of message, he said...
KW: Yes Iím afraid you did. You get the point Nick and now you have 40 seconds to discuss carrier pigeons starting now.
NP: As I was walking out of Euston Station the other day there was a woman beside me with a very large basket. And the porter turned to me and said "here, carry her pigeon!" And I said of course, I couldnít possibly do it, itís probably got a very important message with it. And these message of course...
KW: A challenge from Clement, why are you challenging?
CF: Ah messages, repetition.
KW: Messages, messages. Repetition...
NP: I said message and messages.
KW: Yes absolutely right dear so you gain a point, very nicely put, and you take the subject, you have 36 seconds starting now.
CF: During the Second World War there was a certain phasing out of this type of transportation...
KW: Nicely put! Nicely put! Whatís the matter?
NP: Deviation, you established Mr Chairman, earlier on, that carrier pigeons were no form of transportation.
CF: No transport they were.
KW: Ah yes thereís a distinction between transportation and transport and I think it was Clement Freud using the word in quite a different sense here was absolutely just right and therefore I award him the point and he continues with the subject for 18 seconds starting from now.
CF: Pieces of paper bearing graphic inscriptions were tied with rubber bands and attached...
DN: Deviation, you canít tie with a rubber band.
KW: You canít tie with a rubber band? On the contrary Iíve done it myself, so you lose a point! And you gain one! And you have 12 seconds starting from now.
CF: And attach the legs of the carrier pigeons which were then told to home, meaning returning to the place from which they set out before leaving for the front lines over...
KW: Oh brilliant! Itís one of those! Clement Freud as you see there leapt into the lead at the end there to win. So he is this weekís winner. And second was Derek, Nicholas was third, Geraldine lamentably trailing but game to the end so give her a good clap! Hear hear! Well thank you, there we must leave it as Just A Minute must be off the air in Just A Minute. Iíd like to tell you that in this programme, victory went to those taking part were... oh itís all a load of rubbish isnít it! Well there we come to the end of another edition of Just A Minute. Goodbye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute this week was Kenneth Williams, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.