JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JTurner
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JOAN TURNER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 December 1970)

NOTE: Joan Turner's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Joan Turner in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And itís my pleasure today to welcome for the first time to the programme Joan Turner, whoís going to try and pit her wits against these three clever exponents of the game. And once again Iím going to ask them all if they can speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject and according to how well they do it and whether theyíren challenged or not they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you talk about enjoying life. Iím sure you can very well, so will you start off the show on that subject, 60 seconds, now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well I think travel really helps one to enjoy life tremendously. I awfully like going to the Aegean, perhaps to the Cycledes group of islands, going out on the lovely LA steamer across the wine-dark sea, landing at the Quayside and being greeted by wonderful handsome maidens handing their glass of uzo perhaps or a little octopus, perhaps a cup of coffee. And there...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two perhapses.

NP: Yes it was quite true, he did say perhaps twice. So I agree with the challenge, you get a point, you take over the subject, there are 37 seconds left, enjoying life, starting now.

CF: It is utterly unnecessary to travel in order to enjoy life. You may have the most...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DN: Well deviation, it is necessary to me so it canít be utterly unnecessary.

NP: In Clement Freudís neck of the woods, which is a phrase everybody seems to use these days, it can be. After all heís not deviating from the subject according to his ideas and opinion, it could be. So Iím afraid I have to disagree with your challenge Derek, Clement gains a point, keeps the subject, 31 seconds left, enjoying life starting now.

CF: For instance you can have a ball wallowing among the bickies and cakes at the bottom of your tin. Other people like to stuff themselves, absolutely to their limits, with chicken and turkey, with blackberries, red currants, all sorts of delicious things which are seasonally...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation perhaps!

NP: Hesitation, certainly. So you get the subject back, you gain a point, there are two seconds left, enjoying life, starting now.

DN: The little cock robin sitting on...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may, may be new to the game and I believe we even have one or two in our audience tonight, I must explain that when the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On that occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he now has a lead of one at the end of that round over Clement Freud, and Kenneth Williams and Joan have yet to score. Kenneth your turn to begin, Henry the Eighth. We know your historical bias and knowledge so can you talk to us about Henry the Eighth for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well of course it is extraordinary. This beautiful looking young man should have become such a gross monstrosity! And should have resulted, having been given the title...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well deviation, I think itís totally unfair him talking about Clement Freud!

JOAN TURNER: (Laughs hysterically) Oh how unkind!

NP: I think the audience are very unfair to you Clement! Did you notice they all clapped then? Well all I can say Derek is the audience enjoyed it as much as we did and Clement Freud did, so there we are! We wonít score any points for that horrible challenge. And I will say that Kenneth still has the subject and there are 46 seconds left, nothing scored, Henry the Eighth, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: In fairness it must be said that he did believe in marrying the wife of his dead brother, he was committing a sin. And did write a great treatise on the subject for which he was given the title Defender of the Faith. Later on this same gross creature...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of gross.

KW: Ah but I said it in the other place! Not in this place! Thatís all right!

NP: It doesnít...

KW: Itís in the other place!

NP: It doesnít matter which place you say it in...

KW: Remember the do at Malta, that was another place!

NP: It was, it was another time in this present 60 seconds but you have repeated gross since you started speaking...

KW: Well he was gross!

NP: You canít get out of it no matter how grossly you try!

KW: Well I want to go on a bit more. I donít want to just finish now! Iíve just got worked up, you can see that!

NP: I can see...

JT: Kenneth youíre quite right!

KW: Yes! Iím throbbing here!

JT: I found it a most interesting story. I donít care if it takes an hour, Iíd like to hear the whole thing!

KW: Thank you darling, thank you! Iíve got at least one...

NP: Have you two finished? There we are, youíve had a little throb there Kenneth. So can we get back... Derek Nimmo, I agree with your challenge, repetition of gross...

JT: Oh dear!

NP: You take the subject over and there are 24 seconds left, Henry the Eighth starting now.

DN: To get his divorce of course, he had to go around various universities in Europe to find one that was able to come to the same conclusion that he had. But this had a very beneficial result because this was the founding of the Church of England episcopate of which we are all so proud. And it is through that same Henry that we now have presiding and wandering around...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking then when the whistle went so he gains yet another point. And did you notice that once Derek starts going on any ecclesiaistical subject that awed tone comes into his voice and nobody dares to challenge him...

KW: Yes! It gets all lush isnít it!

NP: However much there might have been some discrepancies. Anyway that means that Derek has increased his lead at the end of that round over everybody else. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, my first car. Would you tell us all about that, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My first car is silver and smart and has five wheels and a chauffeur, as opposed to my second car which is grotty and dark blue and doesnít have anyone to drive it at all. I think mentioning my first car it would be a tremendous mistake if I ignored speaking of my third car which is puce, some people say a heliotrope or purple and doesnít go at all and in fact stays in our garage where the assistant driver sometimes looks after it and wipes it. But to revert to my first car, it has stereo, audio and phoneo which is the name of the person in charge of the wheel. Many a time have I leaned forward into the speaking tube and said "listen you up there, go a little faster or alternatively... turn the wheel...

BUZZ

NP: Awwww! Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: Yes...

KW: Thatís awfully mean of you though!

NP: Yes! Two seconds to go, he almost made it.

KW: You almost made it!

NP: So Derek you gain a point and there are two seconds left for my first car starting now.

DN: It was a 1936 Buick and I always had this chewing gum...

WHISTLE

NP: Well on that occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, he gains yet another point, increases his lead at the end of that round. And Joan Turner, would you begin, in fact you have to begin the next round because itís your turn. Top notes, what a marvelous subject that Ian Messiterís chosen for you.

JT: Yes well it suits...

NP: Can you talk to us about your top notes Joan...

JT: Top notes (sings going up the scales) o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh!

NP: ...starting now.

JT: Start now, oh! (laughs) Oh stop it Derek! (sings going up the scales) O-o-o-o-ooooooooooooooohhhh! All together!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition...

JT: No he hasnít! He canít do! Because I can top... I havenít finished speaking yet!

CF: You hadnít started speaking!

NP: Youíd had nine seconds! So um...


CF: Repetition of the top C!

JT: No I only did it once! Oh no it was twice! It was once with Derek and once on my own.

NP: Iím glad you were honest about it because my pitch is not such that I could have said it was all top C! Well done Clement, there are 51 seconds for your top notes starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, you gain a point, you take over the subject, 49 seconds, your top notes starting now.

DN: Itís a hundred pound note, and I keep it in a little cupboard at home and I like it very much...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Because itís top notes weíre discussing, not banknotes.

NP: But his top note...

KW: No, no, no! Come along now! Donít be silly!

NP: Iím not going to come along anywhere!

KW: Joan has already illustrated for us so we know exactly whatís under discussion. You cannot go from musical notes to banknotes.

NP: He can, you can if you like, as the subject...

KW: My dear! Come on dear, now then!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Youíll be ending up like a piece of elastic, youíll stretch yourself so far, youíll split yourself right in the middle!

NP: Youíre getting a nice lot of laughs Kenneth, but the subject is top notes. You can interpret that any way you wish. So Derek Nimmo gains another point, I disagree with your challenge, there are 45 seconds left Derek, top notes starting now.

DN: Sherpa Tensing while sitting on the top of Everest once wrote a little note to Sir Edmund Hillary. And he said how nice to see you up here. And Edmund Hillary because they couldnít speak...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Two Edmund Hillarys and no title.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: We donít have any er points for snobbishness Clement. He can say it without the title if he wishes. But it was a repetition Clement so I agree with you, and you take over the subject, 32 seconds, top notes starting now.

CF: I think you are dishy, have lovely hair and eyes, will you come home with me after school? Signed Veronica...

BUZZ

JT: You hesitated.

NP: Youíre challenging for hesitation?

JT: He hesitated. After school.

NP: Almost! Oh dear! Joan Turner you have top notes and there are 13 seconds left starting now.

JT: Well one of my top notes is a note I have... from my...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged.

KW: Iím afraid a hesitation there.

JT: Thatís such a funny story!

NP: Honestly Kenneth, you wanted Joan...

JT: No you are all awful!

NP: ...to have a go and as soon as she does, you challenge her!

JT: Itís my first go!

NP: But all right, Iíve got to be fair on this, all right Kenneth.

JT: All right! If you can tell a funnier one!

NP: All right...

JT: Go on! I bet you canít!

NP: Iím going to give it to Joan because you thought last time it was unfair to Clement so this time weíre going to be unfair to you! And say Joan has a point for that and there are eight seconds left for Joan to continue with top notes starting now.

JT: Well as I said before, one of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Re...

NP: Darling with the greatest respect Iíve got to give it back to him this time!

DN: She hadnít said it yet!

NP: What?

DN: When I, as I said before, but she hadnít actually said it!

JT: No! I hadnít said it!

CF: She said well before and she then said well as I said before.

NP: Yes she...

KW: There were two wells! It should have been artesian well!

NP: I must be fair, I gave it against him last time...

JT: All right then!

NP: Clement you have the subject back, six seconds left for top notes starting now.

CF: It was written on parchment with a fine hand and penographically many people said nowhere has there been a...


WHISTLE

NP: On that occasion Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, heís gained a little on our leader Derek Nimmo and Joan Turner and Kenneth Williams are both trailing somewhat.

KW: What do you mean trailing? Where am I? How many have I got?

NP: None!

KW: I donít know why I come here! I really donít! I can be insulted in better places than this!

NP: You asked for it! I was being very polite! I said he is trailing somewhat. You asked how many have I got. I have to...

KW: Well I would have thought there should have been some points by now!

NP: What for? Cheek? Youíve won before now Kenneth. Right. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. The subject is exercise. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds about exercise starting now.

DN: Yes I do like to exercise both my dog and myself. And we can do it concurrently as we wander along any street in Hyde or anywhere else that you happen to name. If you would like to suggest somewhere Iíd be very happy to go along with you. But when I think of dumbbells and Indian clubs, I, like Kenneth Williams, throb! I pick them up in my hands, wave them above my head, and shout "ahoy, Iím fit"! And when I feel like that, ladies and gentlemen, Iím here to say that a very different person emerges from this effete frame. I leap over...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Different people emerging from his frame!

KW: That is good! That is good! That is good! Oh, that is good!

NP: Very clever idea, but he wasnít deviating from the subject. He used an expression about different people emerging. I think it was a colloquial expression. I donít think itís deviating from the subject of exercise, he was trying to demonstrate something using words...

CF: Itís more like exorcise than exercise!

NP: I, I think that I give Derek the benefit of the doubt and there are 22 seconds left Derek to continue with exercise starting now.

DN: One of the most wonderful things about living in this septic isle is that weíre able to exercise our free will. This is something, ladies and gentlemen, which we are hugely...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged.

DN: ...proud of in this fair...

CF: Repetition of ladies and gentlemen.

KW: We had it last time.

NP: Yes, heís had ladies and gentlemen before Iím afraid.

DN: Who has? Oh!

NP: Itís jolly difficult sometimes to keep going and have a phrase that comes to mind because you canít think of anything else to say about exercise. Clement I agree with the challenge on this occasion, you take over the subject, 12 seconds left, exercise starting now.

CF: Switching on the radio in my first car, I often hear a lady saying "stretch your arms and bend your knees, twiddle your toes, raise your chin, move your ear...

WHISTLE

NP: On that occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, he gains another point and heís now only two points behind the leader Derek Nimmo. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject is bubble and squeak. Can you talk to me about bubble and squeak for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is a term thatís been applied to myself and Stanley Baxter when on our forays through the city of London, we have been affectionately nicknamed Bubble and Squeak. He of course does the bubbling being a buoyant and ebullient personality. And I do the squeaking, because Iíve tried to show my deep reciprocation. (going into speedy hysterical gibberish) Whenever they come to my door and look at my house, and give me a very nice proposition, I look at them through my glass slipper and they say to me oh (full on unintelligible gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well whatever heís talking about, heís not talking about bubble and squeak! Deviation!

NP: You know, itís very difficult because um I agree with Derek in a way that itís got nothing to do with bubble and squeak. But on the other hand you might well say it was a very good interpretation of Kenneth Williamsí idea of bubble and squeak! So as I think he was endeavouring to illustrate then his point about bubble and squeak Iím going to side with Kenneth on this occasion and say Kenneth you have a point, at last! Sorry for that! And there are 19 seconds to continue with your particular bubble and squeak starting now.

KW: Of course there is a version that people prepare in frying pans in a kitchen. And Mr Clement Freud, the notable correspondent on culinary matters has gone into great detail on this very subject. And he has gone on record...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I deny it!

NP: You may deny it as often as you like but I donít think that technically he was deviating from the subject because...

KW: Well it may be right, perhaps he aint gone on about it.

NP: Iím sure he hasnít gone on about it, but in your imagination, because he...

KW: Yes I thought because he writes about it, he might have discussed it, you see!

NP: So I will give Clement Freud a point because the audience appreciated his remark, letís give Kenneth Williams a point too because heíll be keeping the subject...

KW: Yes! Thatís true!

NP: And there are three seconds left for bubble and squeak starting now.

KW: A most tasty dish, especially after the Sunday joint...

WHISTLE

NP: This laughter at the present moment, ladies and gentlemen has been caused by the fact that Kenneth Williams has come up to see at the end of that round how many points heís got. He could have known himself, heís got three, and heís in third place. And heís trailing more than somewhat behind Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. Um Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is age, something a lot of people feel sensitive about and conscious of, but can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Age is something that many people feel conscious of and sensible about. But I donít particularly have views in this way. The Latins call this Anno Domini (pronounced dominee) which was a cunning way...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Domi-neye!

NP: Well it depends, it depends on when you went to school actually.

KW: Thatís true Nick! That is true!

NP: Because the...

KW: Thatís right what he said about it depends when you went to school! It changes all the time! I mean I remember in my day it was etcetera now itís etketera isnít it!

NP: Well...

KW: Thatís exactly what youíre saying Nick!

NP: Thank you very much Kenneth. Would you like to come over here and be chairman as well as sit down...

DN: If I may say it also depends upon your age!

NP: I was about to say that obviously there was a change of pronunciation...

JT: This isnít five to 10!

NP: ... of the Latin I at some point. I donít know what year but I know it happened just... I wonít say when because effectively thatís... right! I, therefore, the challenge, I think the fairest thing to do as there are two pronunciations for it, thereíll be no points scored, the subject stays with Clement Freud who has 50, no 47 seconds left for age Clement starting now.

CF: Fifty-three, 49, 26, 88, 91 are all...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Eighty-eight, two eights!

NP: I will give you a point Derek, only because the audience enjoyed your challenge, Iíve done it to each one of you now so thatís fair...

KW: Thatís very fair! I donít think anyone will contradict with that!

NP: Oh shut up! But the subject stays...

CF: I havenít had a point yet!

KW: Yes you got one! You got your one! Shut your mouth! Shut your great mouth!

NP: You get a point as well because itís not a justifiable challenge because you said eighty... eight and itís what you say that counts, not what is...

DN: Not what is written on the card! Mmmm!

NP: Not what is visually in your mind, two eights.

DN: Write it down!

NP: Age is the subject on the card, not 88. So Derek gets a point and Clement, and Clement keeps the subject, 42 seconds left, age starting now.

CF: But nine could just as well be called an age because it is after all the number of months, the number of days that you have existed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of number.

NP: There was a repetition of number, yes. So Derek you gain another point and the subject and there are 33 seconds left for age starting now.

DN: To tell the age of an oak tree, you have to go into the forest with a large chopper. Then bang away at that particular tree until it falls...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of tree.

NP: Yes there was a repetition of tree.

DN: Absolutely right! Quite right!

NP: Clement gets another point and itís neck and neck between these two now, really. And there are 25 seconds left for age starting now.

CF: If youíre desirous of ascertaining the age of a horse it is essential to regard its teeth in order to come to some sort of conclusion. So you go into a field...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is rubbish! I mean who wants to stand around looking at a load of horseís teeth! I can think of better things to do with my time! I mean do we have to sit here and listen to all this rubbish!

NP: Kenneth youíre obviously trying to bluff your way in again, but Iím afraid...

KW: Well deviation!

NP: He was not deviating from the subject of age. So Clement Freud I disagree with the challenge and you gain another point and there are 14 seconds left for age starting now.

CF: Frogs can tell age very simply by squawking. And the number of times they open their mouth...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

CF: Mouth.

DN: Repetition of number.

NP: Yes again. And so Derek gains another point and there are eight seconds left for age starting now.

DN: When I was a very young boy I used to look forward to old age. But now that Iím getting increasingly elderly it fills me with despair. Sometimes I go home at night...

WHISTLE

NP: That despairing note brought Derek Nimmo another point because he was speaking as the whistle went and he has a lead of one at the end of that round over Clement Freud who are way out in front of Joan Turner and Kenneth Williams. Now Joan Turner your turn to begin.

JT: Oh!

NP: The subject is luck, 60 seconds starting now.

JT: Luck is a four letter word but itís something everyone hopes for. Itís, itís a pagan superstition. Um itís imply er Godís blessing and you know, thatís what we believe. We donít like, we donít believe in superstition in my church. Iím being quite serious now about this. Everyone hopes to win the pools and everyone has certain superstitions like you mustnít put shoes on the table. I donít know whether any of you have heard that one, have you? Superstitions?

BUZZ

JT: Putting shoes on the table? And, no, if you put shoes on the table itís supposed to be unnatural...

KW: Youíve been challenged dear!

JT: Of course itís only unlucky because itís a horrible smell if you have shoes on the table when youíre eating your lunch...

KW: Never mind now!

JT: Of course there is... have you challenged me?

KW: Yes youíve been challenged!

CF: No, no, no!

NP: Oh sorry the challenge has been taken back, carry on, carry on!

JT: And if you, another superstition um which is also to do with luck is that if you... If you walk under a ladder, you might... you walk under a ladder, you might... The only reason people donít like walking under a ladder is because you might get a pot of paint on your head. You see...

BUZZ

JT: ... and of course itís a superstition about the Devil, if you, if you spill the salt, you throw the salt over your left shoulder, scare the Devil away, you see.

KW: Youíve repeated yourself loads of times!

WHISTLE

JT: And the best of luck!

NP: I must say that at the end of that round...

JT: That was my first time too!

DN: I know itís your first time!

NP: ...Joan Turner started with the subject of luck and in spite of repeating herself incessantly, and hesitating repeatedly and deviating incessantly and in spite of being challenged four times which she completely ignored she kept going for well over 60 seconds, in fact the watch stopped at one point, we started it again. I think it was magnificent because sheíd never played the game...

DN: No I know!

NP: Obviously, obviously she still hasnít very much idea about the way in which the game should be played! In spite of that we enjoyed it Joan, thatís the important thing.

JT: It was an entertaining narrative.

NP: So give her, oh, how many points shall we give her for that? Give her two, yes, give her two, you were...

JT: Thank you very much!

NP: You, youíve leapt literally from fourth place into third place.

JT: Thank you very much. I suppose thatís about as far as Iíll get.

NP: Youíre still miles behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo. Iím afraid thatís all we have time for. We do hope you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.