JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,LFraser
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and LIZ FRASER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 December 1970)

NOTE: Liz Fraser's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Liz Fraser in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute.

DEREK NIMMO: (whistles)

NP: And somebodyís whistling. Derek Nimmo, itís you, will you please keep quiet.

DN: (whistles)

NP: Derek why are you whistling before weíve even started?

DN: Just a little seasonal whistling, thatís all.

NP: All right, weíre all trying to get into the festive spirit. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the show. And also itís my pleasure to welcome Liz Fraser for the first time. Sheís going to try and do battle with these three clever protagonists of the game and see what she can do for the list outside. Um once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for 60 seconds on some subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it and whether theyíre challenged they will gain points or give them away. Clement Freud will you begin this week. The subject, very seasonal, stuffing your Christmas bird. Can you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Any feathered friend which is afloat at this time of year may be called a Christmas bird. And if you are about to stuff one, I think you should take great care not to choose a bird that is too small, like a sparrow or a dove. In fact a turkey, a chicken, a goose, would be ideal animals for this type of treatment. I feel it is ignominious to put your hands inside such pullet, and prefer personally to get my stuffing done outside usually on a roasting tray, keeping such implements as I might use in my culinary pursuits cleaner and less infected than they would otherwise be. But there are many...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Iím keeping it with Clement Freud, six sec... so he gains a point because I disagree with the challenge, six seconds left, stuffing your Christmas bird Clement now.

CF: Some people think that bird being a synonym...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may be fairly new to the game, when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who now has a commanding lead of two over everybody else because nobody else has yet scored. And Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is stocking fillers. Can you talk to us... thatís a dirty laugh from the audience, wasnít it! Anyway Derek, stocking fillers, 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: Responding to the dirty laugh in the audience I will say that my favourite stocking filler is long lims and cased in a pair of these same stockings that we are talking about. On the other hand there is a dear little man who lives in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Heís talking about legs, and suddenly says on the other hand!

NP: Give Clement Freud an extra point for a clever challenge but as Derek wasnít deviating from the subject on the card, stocking fillers, you keep the subject Derek and continue and there are 42 seconds left starting now.

DN: In Snowland lives a charming old gentleman with a white beard that every boy and girl knows...

BUZZ

LIZ FRASER: I donít know that!

NP: Liz Fraser you challenged.

LF: Yes I didnít know that.

DN: Sheís not a little boy or a little girl.

NP: Iím sorry that you donít know it Liz, and maybe after the show I can explain to you all about Father Christmas. But you see, as he wasnít actually deviating from the subject, he was keeping going, the fact that you didnít know about it, unlike everybody else, itís very sad!

LF: It is sad!

NP: But it means that Derek still keeps the subject and he gets a point of course, and there are 35 seconds left, stocking fillers starting now.

DN: Santa Claus, or Father Christmas as Nicholas Parsons would say keeps his stocking fillers in a long sack which he keeps on the back of his sleigh...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The word keep occurred twice.

NP: Yes that is right, you did say keep twice.

DN: Did I?

NP: Yes you did, itís rather difficult with small words, not to repeat them occasionally. Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and you have 27 seconds for stocking fillers starting now.

KW: Little cuddly bunnies made of cotton wool and harmless material like that. And marzipan, chocolates and little wafers...

BUZZ

NP: Liz my love you challenged.

LF: He said little twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did and she was listening terribly well, got in very sharply there. And you see if you press your buzzer first, it eliminates all the other ones.

LF: Quite right! I donít want to eliminate anybody elseís buzzer.

NP: No! So Liz youíve gained a point and you have 15 seconds now to take over the subject of stocking fillers starting now.

LF: One of the advantages of growing older and bigger is that oneís stockings enlarge with age, which means that one can get more fillings into oneís... ooohh!

BUZZ

LF: Hosiery!

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was a definite hesitation, Iím afraid Liz. Derek you gain a point, I agree with the challenge. So there are three seconds left for you to take over stocking fillers starting now.

DN: When I wake up on Christmas morning I find a lovely orange right at the bottom, next...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Um, Christmas, he said it before.

NP: He did say Christmas before, it was Father Christmas before and now youíve said Christmas. So...

DN: Absolutely right! Well listened!

NP: Occasionally they canít think of any other way to argue their way back to it, so they become magnanimous. But Kenneth listened well, he got in with just three seconds to go on stocking fillers Kenneth starting now.

KW: Silver bells...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went so he gains that extra point and to sue his phrase he has leapt into the lead.

KW: Well thank goodness! My record has been abysmal over the last few. Abysmal!

NP: But you let...

KW: Thatís the only way to describe it! Itís abysmal!I havenít seen any kind of encouragement and we all need a bit of ego massage! We all need it!

NP: Youíre behaving in an abysmal way!

KW: Oh!

NP: Yes because youíve leapt into the lead alongside Clement Freud. Itís not good enough to...

KW: Oh I see!

NP: And Liz Fraser itís your turn to begin. So the subject is still on the Christmas theme, Iím glad to say, things I found in crackers. And as a little cracker yourself Liz, will you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

LF: One of the things that I found in crackers was my husband. It happened like this. I had an invitation some years ago to attend a house warming party by a friend. And I agreed and accepted with alacrity. And bejewelled and bedecked, I arrived at her abode. And I had a feeling that something very exciting was going to happen. And I looked around the rooms to see if there was some sort of nice man that I could perhaps be attached to. A tall dark stranger approached me and asked me where the loo was. I didnít know so I directed him to the hostess who was standing near me at the time. And another man approached me and we found that we had a great deal in common. For instance we both enjoyed Derek Nimmoís feet, Clement Freudís cooking, Kenneth Williamsí wit and Nicholas Parsonsí milk! And he then er proposed to me...

WHISTLE

NP: Well...

LF: I must say that the house name, the houseís name was Crackers!

NP: Liz Fraser has joined us for the first time. She started with the subject and er she managed to keep it right through to the end. So she gets a bonus point for speaking for 60 seconds. Well done Liz! Um Clement your turn to begin, the subject is the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree! And that laugh listeners was occasioned by the fact that Clement Freud looked very rapidly at every member of the team here to decide which one he thought he should apply this to! And he finished up with Liz Fraser! So the subject is the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree, Clement Freud, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Is a very long way up the Christmas tree, as opposed to the fairy lower down on the same piece of er...

BUZZ

NP: Oh, Liz Fraser you er challenged.

LF: I think hesitation.

NP: You think and I think and so you gain a point Liz and you take over the subject of the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree, 50 seconds left starting now.

LF: There are no fairies at the top of our Christmas tree because er...

BUZZ

LF: I knew I wouldnít be able to talk about it!

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Iím afraid hesitation.

NP: Yes.

LF: Yes Iím afraid I didnít know what I was going to say.

KW: Iím afraid my darling, I donít like to be ungallant but Iím afraid...

NP: You werenít, you were being absolutely accurate.

KW: Thank you very much dear.

NP: So Kenneth you get a point, you take over the subject, there are 45 seconds left, the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree starting now.

KW: Sheis generally a rather delicate little creature, with tinsel and porcelain, mice like features. And everyone says "there she is, presiding over this festive gathering and spreading life and joy through the top of her perishing Christmas tree". It is very pretty indeed as of course it is in the process of decay. As you all know when you come to clear up those dreadful needles that get everywhere. I once sat on them and had the most appalling trouble afterwards! But only a very greasy emollient eased my anguish...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, why?

DN: Well heís talking about something really rather nasty which has got nothing to do with the fairies way up on top of the tree.

NP: Yes. And there are eight seconds left Derek for the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree starting now.

DN: When I was a small boy I used to sing a lovely song which was every little boy would like to be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: When I was a small boy, boy.

NP: Oh thatís right yes. Clement you gain the subject with three seconds left, the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree starting now.

CF: Her name is Gladys and she had the most terrible problem every night...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud then gained the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. Iíve never heard of a fairy called Gladys! What a...

CF: Itís rather a pity! Itís a nice name!

NP: Anyway Gladys got you a point and an extra laugh and youíre now equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams.

KW: Oh what an honour for you Clement! Oh!

NP: Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject mistletoe. Can you talk to us about that kissable subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Mistletoeís a rather nasty parasitic creature that grows around fruit tress, apples and pears in particular. Itís been used in ancient times to depict something that is really rather nasty so we wonít talk about that. Weíll talk about its modern usage which is to kiss young ladies beneath. And thereís nothing I like more in fact that singing here we are beneath the mistletoe, no young...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged?

LF: Beneath twice.

NP: Two beneaths give you an extra point, another point I mean. And you take over the subject of mistletoe and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

LF: I always thought that it would be the most romantic thing to be kissed underneath the mistletoe. And every year I would stand strategically placed under this...

BUZZ

LF: Under twice!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Derek I agree with the challenge of hesitation, you get another point and there are 12 seconds left, mistletoe starting now.

DN: Once I spent Yuletide south of the Equator. And there they have plastic mistletoe. And nothing more obscene have I ever seen. And if you...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged.

LF: Seen, seen, a verb twice.

NP: No he said obscene...

DN: And seen.

NP: And seen.

LF: Oh I do beg your pardon.

NP: Well listened but not correct. So Derek gets another point and there are three seconds left for mistletoe Derek starting now.

DN: Pucker up your lips babe! Iím coming in on the down...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth, party games, can you tell us something about party games and there are 60 seconds to do it starting now.

KW: I think it was probably expressed most beautifully by Bamber Gascoigne when he wrote "here is a pencil and pad, you wonít find it bad, these are games that we all of us know, pass them on as you write them and ad infinitum, itís just party games make a good evening go". And even as he uttered those words to me for the first time, a tear began to form in my eye, and drop to the floor below where it made its way through to the floorboards. People said at the time...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Floor and then floorboards. Two floors.

NP: Yes alas! Itís a pity!

KW: Yes, oh, heís very fly isnít he!

NP: Yes! Because it was a lovely story! So...

LF: But what a beautiful poem!

NP: Yes and what a beautiful teardrop! Right through to the floorboards! Anyway Derek I agree with the challenge, there are 19 seconds left for party games starting now.

DN: My favourite party game is called stuffing your Christmas bird! What you have to do is to get a large turkey and some sage and onion stuffing. And everybody gathers...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged?

LF: Stuffing twice.

KW: Mmmm!

DN: Yes! Quite right!

NP: Stuffing the Christmas bird, stuffing, yes thatís quite correct Liz well listened. Fourteen seconds left for you Liz, you take over the subject of party games starting now.

LF: I used...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, not at all! No to...

LF: That was breath!

NP: First time on the show and there you... Anyway Liz you have another point and there are 14 seconds, 13 seconds left for party games starting now.

LF: I first met...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Even less hesitation! There are 13 seconds left for party games Liz starting now.

LF: I first met Clement Freud at a party and he asked me if I would per, participate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree this...

KW: He darenít let her get out what she was going to say he said! Thatís why, yes!

NP: I must say she stuttered over the thought of what he was going to say!

KW: Yes! Indeed!

NP: What a pity, we may never know! Perhaps itís as well! Perhaps the series will continue! Um there are seven seconds left with you Clement Freud to continue with the party games starting now.

CF: My favourite party game is getting Ebeneezer Scrooge into a stocking filler...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Itís deviation, getting Ebeneezer Scrooge into a stocking is not...

NP: Is impossible at this particular time...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...because he does not exist. I give you a point and the subject and there are two and a half seconds left, party games starting now.

KW: You are supposed to take hold of your partnerís hand and in her ear...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Kenneth was speaking once again so he got the extra point. Liz Fraser crept up in the middle of that game and has now overtaken them, has one point lead over the other three at the end of that round. So it really is neck and neck. Liz your turn to begin, the subject is carol singing. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

LF: (singing) Good King Wenceslas stepped out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Iíve challenged because, deviation, she was asked to talk about it and she proceeded to sing about it.

NP: Yeah thatís a...

LF: I was carol singing!

NP: Yes it is a very good challenge because I did say actually, talk about it, and she started to demonstrate it.

DN: Well sheís new!

NP: Whatís that?

DN: Sheís new!

NP: Sheís new! So let me put it to the audience. Do you think, I said will you talk about it? She was demonstrating it. If you agree with Kennethís challenge would you cheer and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You disagree with Kenneth, youíre on the ladyís side, sheís new to the game, which seems very justified, so...

KW: You brainwashed all of them!

NP: Liz gains a point and keeps the subject, there are 55 seconds left for carol singing starting now.

LF: (singing) When the snow laid round about, deep and crisp and even, brightly...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Well for all those ands. And crisp and! All those ands!

NP: Well technically she was repeating herself, wasnít she? So I suppose...

DN: Not on and!

NP: What?

DN: Is that going to be a rule from now on?

LF: No give it to Kenneth...

DN: And is going to be repetition?


LF: I did say and.

NP: No Iím not going to charge any points, thatís the fairest thing to do. Iím going to leave the subject with Liz Fraser, no points charged because Iím not going to charge on ands. I think weíve once and for all established that, 47 seconds left, carol singing Liz starting now.

LF: It is not generally known that I have the most exquisite voice with the range of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged that time.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Clement. You gain a point and the subject and there are 42 seconds left, carol singing starting now.

CF: When the mince pie is wheeled in on the trolley, we hold hands and sing carols, especially Carol. She...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser challenged. Why?

LF: Well I thought he said carol twice...

NP: I know!

LF: But the first one was actually carols.

NP: This is what happens, he tries to be clever...

LF: Yes!

NP: And the first person in often gets stumped. So I disagree because it was carols and now itís a girl called Carol, Clement gets another point and there are 33 seconds left for carol singing Clement starting now.

CF: The holly and the ivy and good and King and Wenceslas and many other lovely carols and...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged?

LF: Carols!

NP: Yes well done, it wasnít the ands!

CF: Well you canít...

NP: There are 22 seconds left for carol singing Liz starting now.

LF: And because I have this marvelous voice, I am asked every Christmastime to go singing with the choirs which are going around the various districts in our area. And I go armed with a flask of gargle water and sing Once In Royal Davidís City, Silent Night, Good King Wenceslas...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Good King Wenceslas.

NP: Yes, you sang that before.

LF: Yes I did sing that before.

NP: So Derek got in very cleverly just before the whistle, thereís ha;f a second to go, carol singing starting now.

DN: I have a, I have a lovely...

WHISTLE

NP: The audience here ooh and ahhh but you see it must be fair in the game because Ian Messiter hadnít actually blown the whistle. So Derek was in. And itís even more exciting because we have three leaders all together and Kenneth is behind the other three, the only...

KW: Well as Heroditus said what is good is good without my saying so!

NP: Yes! But you still have a chance to redress the balance Kenneth. And the subject now is with Clement Freud, itís your turn to begin Clement. And the subject is punch. And would you talk to us for 60 seconds, punch starting now.

CF: If you take equal quantities of cinammon, cloves, nutmeg and grate all these and dissolve it in a pint of water, adding a pound of sugar, you get the most excellent basis for punch. Especially if you allow this liquid to boil for an hour or more, and then strain it through a cloth into another vessel, adding to this wine whenever you feel like it. Because the important thing about punch is the wine therein...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of wine.

NP: Yes. Weíve had wine before so Derek gains a point and the subject...

LF: I wanted to hear the recipe!

NP: And there are 30 seconds left for punch Derek starting now.

DN: In the middle Victorian era a very definite challenge came into comedy writing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I didnít notice a hesitation.

CF: Didnít you?

NP: No!

CF: You must be the only one!

NP: There are 26 seconds for punch Derek starting now.

DN: And a magazine came to be born, which was called Punch. It had on the front a wit, the gentleman who had performed...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams got in first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree then. So Kenneth you get a point and there are 19 seconds left for punch starting now.

KW: I received one on my nose in a barrack room in Ceylon! And I remonstrated, I said "íEre! Who do you think youíre knocking about! What right have you!" He said "Look at that." And showed me his arm on which was these stripes and I had none! And...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek would you begin the next round and the subject is port and there are 60 seconds for you to talk about it starting now.

DN: Well one of the things Iíve never really gone along with is any port in a storm. It does seem to be rather a foolish thing to say. Because if anyone is in a tempest or a hurricane or a whirlwind and at sea, one would rather have...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged?

LF: One!

NP: One...

LF: Not one?

NP: No, not ands.

LF: Not one?

NP: No I donít think, no points scored, leave the subject with Derek Nimmo and there are 49 seconds left for port Derek starting now.

DN: In my fist I write...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation, this is the sad thing that sometimes itís difficult to start again. Clement I have to agree with a definite hesitation, you gain a point and there are 47 seconds left for port starting now.

CF: Port is the name given to a fortified wine made in the Oporto Valley of Portugal where it is drunk by the English gentry who have for years and generations, centuries in fact, been the only people to involve themselves...

BUZZ

NP: Liz Fraser why have you challenged?

LF: Hesitation?

NP: No he did keep going...

KW: He was most knowledgable!

NP: He did run down a little, but he kept going. So Clement I disagree with the challenge, you gain another point and there are 30 seconds left for port starting now.

CF: It is traditional at smart dinner parties for the ladies to leave the gentlemen and the males of the species thereafter consume port while their... female counterparts are outside...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because you donít, itís deviation, you donít consume port, you drink it! You consume, that is the act of eating you see. You donít eat a drink! No, no, Iím not having it! No, no, Iím not having it!

NP: Youíre not having it, you tried very hard! But I mean if youíve drunk something or eaten it, it has been consumed, surely!

KW: Oh!

NP: So Iím afraid to be fair to the game I have to disagree with the challenge, leave it with Clement Freud, and say there are 18 seconds left for port Clement starting now.

CF: On board ship, port is the left-hand side where starboard is the right. And many a sailor has gone to the wrong place simply because of a failure to acquaint himself with this simple form of direction. While drinking the liquid...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid that we have no more time so that is the end of this weekís contest, if you can call it that, we, because we like to call it a game. And I must point out right away that Derekís last challenge wouldnít have made any difference to the final result. Itís a very fair one, a very interesting one, because equal in second place we had our guest for this week, for the first time, very good Liz, Liz Fraser. But by a couple of points only we have the winner once again this week, Clement Freud. We do hope that youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here weíd like to wish you listening a very very happy Christmas. From all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.