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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and KATHARINE WHITEHORN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 December 1970)
NOTE: Katharine Whitehorn's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Katharine Whitehorn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And it’s my pleasure in this particular show to welcome for the first time to try and do battle with these three clever players of the game Katharine Whitehorn. And once again the rules are as before. I’m going to ask them each to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do this, they will of course gain points or give them away to whoever may be challenging. That is the way we play and let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, panache. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on panache starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: It’s extremely fortunate that you’ve asked me to discuss this. Because nobody in this world is more appropriate! It is of course derived from the tuft of feathers originally worn on the plume of the helmet. Now... BUZZ NP: Ah Katharine Whitehorn, you have challenged, why? KATHARINE WHITEHORN: Plume and feathers mean the same thing. I think that counts as repetition. NP: No actually Katharine... Actually... DEREK NIMMO: Plume and feathers! CLEMENT FREUD: She’s not coming back, is she! KWi: Ooooh she’s most aggressive! NP: Well she has already been warned before we started how aggressive all you three are! So she’s starting right in there in the right way! Katharine I think we only give repetition if it’s a repetition of words. But it’s a very good try and you’re new to the game. I’m going to give you a point for that jolly good challenge but leave the subject with Kenneth and say there are 43 seconds left for panache Kenneth starting now. KWi: In the sense of linguistics nowadays it is taken to mean that is which is done with a flourish, so to speak, or with nicety, great style, which of course all I do endu... all of I do... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you have challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation I quite agree! KWi: It’s so unfair, isn’t it! NP: But you couldn’t describe your style, it was beyond words Kenneth, I quite understand! But Clement I agree with your challenge so you take the subject and there are 24 seconds left for panache starting now. CF: The culinary connotations of this word give it an accent evous making it pana-shay meaning mixed as in salad pana-shay... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged, why? DN: Repetition of pana-shay which is not the word on the card. NP: Yes it’s panache on the card, not pana-shay. CF: That’s pathetic! NP: I give Derek the point and the subject and there are 13 seconds left for panache starting now. DN: How must... wonderfully must have been with Henry the Eighth... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: Repetition of must. KWi: Yes that’s true! NP: All right if you’re going to be as tough as that, see how much tougher you can get. It’s absolutely correct though I think a little unfair. So I must be correct within the rules of the game. Clement you have another point, you take the subject back and there are 11 seconds left for panache starting now. CF: A panache of salad... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition of salad. CF: Yes. NP: You did say salad. CF: Yes I said it earlier. NP: All right, they’re getting... CF: And A I said as well! NP: But he’s not going to get two points for that. So there are eight seconds left for you Derek to continue with panache starting now. DN: As I walk down the Strand, flourishing my shileleagh people look at me... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KWi: That’s repetition we just had flourish. DN: Not with me you haven’t. NP: We haven’t had flourish... KWi: Ah but it was in the same context NP: No we haven’t had a flourish from er Derek before. So Derek keeps the subject as he gains a point because I disagree with the challenge, there are five seconds left Derek for panache starting now. DN: People shout at me in the street and say you have nearly as much panache as Kenneth Williams and I say whatho, thank you so much... WHISTLE NP: For those of you who may not know the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has gained a commanding lead at the end of that round. In fact the first round of any show, I’ve never seen so many points scored! So let us continue in quieter vein I hope. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is curing ham. Will you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now. CF: In order to cure ham, you’ve got to have a really sick piece of pork which is smoked. And itmakes no difference whether it has mildew, bluefly or green deposits all over it. The important thing is to get it better! And ideally curing it is achieved by getting malt vinegar and hydrochloric acid and scrubbing away until every last trace... BUZZ NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged? KWh: Simply because it’s beginning to make me feel sick! You can have me go on in a moment. NP: Well I’m afraid even if someone makes you feel sick on the show, if they haven’t deviated or any of the other crimes I cannot award it to you. CF: If you’d been sick, it would be deviating, wouldn’t it! NP: If you were sick yes! CF: For the record! NP: Yes! CF: I just have to explain to her! NP: No I’m afraid that it, he wasn’t deviating from the subject even though he made you feel sick... KWh: Well at least I’ve given us a respite haven’t I! NP: Yes! And we’ve heard from you again which is lovely Katharine. So um Clement gets another point and there are 32 seconds left for curing ham starting now. CF: Many people think that this applies to ham that is salted and pit away over smoke until such time as it may be eaten and served either as gammon or bacon. And there are in Bradenham, also in Wiltshire, in Yorkshire, companies that specialise particularly in this form of delicacy. I once knew one which had scarlet fever which... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KWi: Deviation. You can’t know a ham! NP: Clement Freud looked directly at you then! Um I know some hams! I’ve acted with some of them as well! KWh: Disgusting! NP: So in that sense, if you’d had a ham couldn’t have scarlet fever I would agree. That is devious but you challenged for knowing a ham and you can technically because that’s a phrase you use in the theatre. So it is not deviation, I’m afraid. Clement Freud gets another point, four seconds is left, curing ham, Clement starting now. CF: He worked at the Old Vic, every Tuesday and Thursday matinees... WHISTLE NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went so he has jumped into the lead now at the end of the second round. And Katharine Whitehorn and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little behind. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is dogs I know well. Can you tell us something about the dogs you know well in 60 seconds Derek starting now. DN: One pair of dogs that I know particularly well are made of brass and a rather lovely Adam design. And I keep them in my fireplace and rest logs on them in the wintertime, particularly at Yuletide. And they give off the most wonderful glow and I think how pretty they are. I also had a Pekinese that was given to me by my great-aunt Sarah which I like... very much indeed. Also I remember... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why? KWi: Hesitation. DN: Oh... NP: Well it was almost hesitation but I think it was such a brilliant twist from saying very very that I don’t think we can allow it because it was so beautifully done with such panache that I don’t think we can allow that one. It was very close so I disagree with the challenge, Derek gets a point and there are 38 seconds left for dogs I know well Derek starting now. DN: A Yorkshire terrier that ran aground on... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud’s challenged. CF: Hesitation? NP: No hesitation at all! He was keeping going all right. Thirty-one seconds left for you Derek having gained another point, dogs I know well starting now. DN: Particularly in the Lake District I saw a wonderful great pack of hounds leaping across the turf... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KWi: Deviation, the subject is dogs he knows well. We’ve gone through brass ones, Pekinese ones, Yorkshire terriers and now he’s come to a pack of hounds! NP: Yes I... KWi: He wouldn’t be well acquainted with a pack! NP: No I quite agree Kenneth! KWi: I think it’s just going a bit far dear! NP: I agree with your challenge, I don’t believe that Derek could be well acquainted with a whole pack of hounds. So Kenneth you gain a point and that is your first point, well done! And there are 26 seconds left for dogs I know well starting now. KWi: In Morocco I met the most beautiful dog called Brandy. He fell in love with me at first sight and... BUZZ NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged? KWh: Deviation, on behalf, on the part of the dog! KWi: Oh I see! What’s she mean? What’s she mean? Come on Nick! What’s she saying! NP: She means that the dog had absolutely supreme taste. KWi: Oh! That’s nice! That’s all right, yes! NP: She was calling into question your taste, but not the dogs! KWi: Oh I see! NP: In other words the dog thought you were super but you were not deviating. I’m going to give Katharine a point for that, she gets all her points with these rather brilliant challenges! But I’m afraid he wasn’t deviating strictly speaking from the subject on the card so we’re still with you Kenneth and there are 16 seconds left for dogs I know well starting now. KWi: My friend said "put your face right next to his and with my camera I will record this loving couple". Surely no finer example in life exists than man with his friend the dog, man’s natural friend, man’s... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Yes... KWi: What happened there? I wanted to keep going! NP: I... KWi: That gentleman’s furious! Look at his face, he’s gone white! NP: I think a lot of people are going to be very furious but I must be fair. Actually Clement’s buzzer did go before the whistle. KWi: What on behalf of? NP: What was it Clement? CF: Repetition of man. NP: You did repeat man, you know. KWi: Oh well he gets it, does he? NP: I’m afraid he does, I’ve got to be fair, you see... KWi: Oh what a pity, I was... NP: It was clever but there we are, he managed it. And literally there’s only half a second left for dogs I know well Clement starting now. CF: Devonshire... WHISTLE NP: So very artfully getting in once again just before the whistle Clement Freud gets an extra point. He’s increased his lead over Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Katharine your turn to begin. Would you like to talk to us about dieting for 60 seconds starting now. KWh: Dieting is a subject which every woman journalist has to write about at least twice a year. And the great thing that needs to be known about dieting is those foods which are not fattening. These are particularly food eaten when nobody sees you eating it, food stolen off other people’s plates, especially when they don’t see you taking it, food that has... for some reason or another been left on the side of somebody else’s plate. And anything that is left in the dish in the dining room is always known to be not fattening and so constitutes a diet within the meaning of the act. There are other diets which I have followed with greater or less success. I tried dieting by eating nothing except bananas. I’ve tried dieting by eating nothing except food. I’ve tried dieting by earing nothing except whiskey and I can’t say that one really worked! I can only say that... the next diet that I try will be... a diet... that.... WHISTLE NP: Ladies and gentlemen I have often accused our three male players of being ungallant! But you couldn’t say that they were ungallant then. I think we had food about six or seven times, eating four or five times, and er... well dieting is the subject... KWh: Well you asked me for the word that... NP: But no it was lovely! We loved hearing it! The audience adored it, Katharine! You did it beautifully. You’ve spoken for the first time in Just A Minute, you’ve gained some confidence and now you’ll do even better I’m sure. And you’ve not only gained a point for the whistle but you’ve gained an extra point for going without being interrupted. So you’ve now jumped... forward! KWi: What position is she in? NP: She’s still in third place with you. KWi: Hasn’t she scored three? NP: No she’s a little ahead of you. KWi: Is there some jiggery-pokery going on here? What’s going on? What are you doing here? NP: Come and have a look! KWi: I never get nothing! NP: Clement Freud is still in the lead, he’s two points ahead of Derek Nimmo, Katharine Whitehorn is now in third place and you’re just a little way behind. So Kenneth it’s your turn to begin... KWi: Oh thank goodness for that! I haven’t been heard of for... NP: And a very apt subject again at this particular moment, sauce. Can you talk to us about sauce Kenneth for 60 seconds starting now. KWi: Well I suppose most people think of it as flavouring, something to be added to their food. Other people think of it as impertinence or... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: Repetition of people. KWh: People. NP: Yes we’ve had more than other people. KWi: Oh how true! How very true! NP: How ridiculous you are sometimes! Ah Derek you’ve gained the subject and of course another point and there are 51 seconds left for sauce starting now. DN: I awfully like a lovely sauce on my gander, don’t you? BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KWi: Deviation, a sauce can be pican, it can be nutritious, it can be anything but it can’t be lovely. Loveliness is not a quality you can apply... NP: I disagree, you can have a lovely sauce. KWi: No, do you know what loveliness means, dear? NP: Yes I know, it means to love. I know all about that... KWi: Well it’s nothing to do with sauce. NP: No but colloquially some people sometimes say that sauce... KWi: We’re not here concerned with colloquial... NP: We are because that’s how people speak, colloquially. When you have to keep going for 60 seconds when there are people like you trying to challenge, it’s very difficult to find exactly the right adjective. So he colloquially was not deviating from the subject, Derek Nimmo gets another point and he keeps sauce and there are 47 seconds left Derek starting now. DN: One of the troubles with Kenneth Williams is that he’s always giving the chairman of... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KWi: Deviation, the subject’s sauce, not Kenneth Williams. NP: I think he was going to say one of the troubles with Kenneth Williams is the sauce that he gives. But um I’m going to put it to the audience because Kenneth made a good challenge and obviously Derek was going to get in the word sauce, he wasn’t deviating. But if you think that Kenneth’s challenge was justified, will you cheer, and if you think it wasn’t will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You think it was an unjustified challenge without any doubt! KWi: You should never have asked them! They’re a load of idiots! They’ve all been got here under false pretences! I believe they all came in for nothing! They all came in for nothing! NP: Kenneth, I believe, I believe, your mother is sitting in the audience. KWi: Yes and I shall leave the stage if I’m not give more respect! I should be given more respect, shouldn’t I? NP: Yes well all right. Anyway you didn’t... the audience made their decision and they have said that Derek Nimmo not only keeps the subject, gains a point and the subject is sauce Derek... KWi: Disgraceful! NP: ...and there are 44 seconds left starting now. DN: I like sauce on my Christmas pudding. My Aunt Beatrice who lives in Blasfutures Avenue in Prestadden North makes quite the finest sauce that I’ve ever tasted. She puts a lot of brandy into it. And when it goes on top of the old pud, she sets fire to it! And the pyrotechnics have to be seen to be believed! And people come from miles around to warm their hands around this lovely sauce! And I say good old... BUZZ DN: Who’s buzzing? NP: Clement Freud, why? CF: You can’t come from miles around Prestadden because it’s a seaside town! KWi: Oh! NP: Oh dear oh dear! Yes I think we must give him that one, mustn’t we. It’s only fair. So well done Clement you gain a point and the subject and there are 22 seconds left for sauce starting now. CF: If you take English mustard, port wine and redcurrant jelly, and melt all three substances in a saucepan, you achieve something called Cumberland sauce which is one of the great classic sauces of this country. It has been said that France has 123 cheeses and we have one sauce... WHISTLE NP: Well we certainly got plenty of sauce in that round. And Clement Freud was again speaking when the whistle went, so he now has a lead still over Derek Nimmo but it’s only a lead of one. And the other two are still trailing a little. Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin, the subject is electricity. Can you talk to us about electricity for 60 seconds starting now. CF: Electricity is what leaks out of the socket when you remove the bulb. And often have I come into houses which have been fired with this substance to the point of 30, 40, even 60 volts. I’ve opened the door and someone has said "be careful, um, electricity is around... BUZZ NP: Katharine Whitehorn you challenged. KWh: He said um. DN: Hesitation. NP: It was a hesitation, yes. KWh: Yes. NP: You say hesitation, not um, yes. It’s easier. He technically hesitated... KWh: All right, I’ll say hesitation, but he said um! NP: Absolutely right and you gain the subject and a point of course and there are 38 seconds left for electricity starting now. KWh: I entirely share... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: I disagree. And Katharine has yet to get into her stride in this game. So she keeps the subject having gained another point and there are 37 seconds left for electricity Katharine starting now. KWh: I entirely share the... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you have challenged again. CF: Didn’t think she got into her stride properly! NP: So you’re giving her another point. CF: Oh! NP: It’s at your own expense you know. So Katharine has another point and there are 36 seconds left for electricity starting now. KWh: I entirely share the fear of electricity that was expressed in Clement Freud’s story. I think that I... feel the same way about... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: She said um. NP: So? CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes yes, all right. There are people that write in about these things you know... CF: Yes. NP: ... unless we get it absolutely clear. Hesitation Clement and there are 30 seconds left for you on electricity starting now. CF: On many a wall there’s something called a plug from which this electric... lick... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes hesitation Derek, taking over the subject and 24 seconds left starting now. DN: When you go round to Piccadilly Circus one of the things that really strikes you is the amount of electricity that’s employed there to light up the great vista that you look at. And people come, even from Prestadden to look at it. Because they know that there the signs are without parallel in the whole of the British Isles. And I do agree with them and I think it’s a tremendous shame that the people of that lovely liquid they make over in Dublin have taken down their clock because that was one of my happiest childhood memories... WHISTLE NP: Well that last electric performance by Derek Nimmo gained him an extra point as he was speaking as the whistle went and he’s now equal in the lead alongside Clement Freud. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is custard pies. I don’t know why that makes them laugh so much unless they imagine one on your face or something. But can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now. DN: They always say that in France there are 257 cheeses but in England there’s only one custard pie. I quite agree with them because this is the sort of thing that any gastronomic pundit loves to give out whether it is true or not. But I always like to devour this particular delicacy. If you go along... BUZZ NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged? KWh: It is not a delicacy! NP: Well I suppose it’s the way you look at it, you see... KWh: Well if it depends on looking at it, that proves my point! NP: Yes I think in most people it is not considered a delicacy and there are 42 seconds for you on custard pies starting now. KWh: The great thing about custard pies is to distinguish between an eating pie and a throwing pie... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: The subject is pies not pie, so repetition because she said pie twice. NP: Yes it is custard pies, it is, a throwing pie and an eating pie, so I think that is legitimate... KWh: That makes two pies in all though doesn’t it! CF: Yes! Indeed! NP: Yes that’s a good point isn’t it. CF: It’s the subject. NP: All right we’ll leave it with you Katharine Whitehorn. You have another point and there are 36 seconds left for custard pies starting now. KWh: You make them with entirely different things according to which you wish to do with them... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: The two whiches. KWh: No, which you wish. CF: (in cold voice) It sounded from here as if you were saying exactly the same thing twice. NP: But actually Clement I think... KWi: It’s all too awful! They’re so rude! I mean there’s a lady here, come here for the first time and you’re taking the rise like that! Terrible! NP: Actually Clement if you’d had her for hesitation which it sounded like to me I would have agreed. KWi: Yes! Exactly! NP: She actually said which and wish. Therefore I disagree with the challenge because it was not deviation. So Katharine gets another point and there are 32 seconds left for custard pies Katharine starting now. KWh: If you want to... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well it’s not much good really is it! But I... I was going to say hesitation but I just realised she hadn’t got into her stride so... NP: I think it would be fair to say she has got into her stride now. DN: Just a reflex action! NP: Well and truly in her stride and doing extraordinarily well so it was a hesitation, she didn’t get going in time. So Derek... DN: Oh I’m sorry! NP: ...you take the subject back, 30 seconds left for custard pies starting now. DN: When he picks one up and he throws it up in the air and it lands in his own face and I always laugh at that, don’t you? I do think if you go along to the palladium and that little fellow’s there with his little hat and baggy trousers... BUZZ NP: Katharine Whitehorn. KWh: Little twice. NP: Yes there was little twice. DN: Oh yes. NP: Well listened Katharine, you have another point. DN: Jolly good! NP: You take over the subject... DN: Striding away now! NP: Eight... really in her stride, isn’t she! DN: Really in her stride! NP: Custard pies is back with you Katharine and there are 18 seconds left starting now. KWh: The point... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. KWi: Katharine you must come in! NP: Yes I’m afraid it was. I’ve got to be firm with you now because you were in the lead for a second, you’ve lost it now. So Clement I agree with the challenge, you take over the subject of custard pies and there are 17 seconds left starting now. CF: It is absolutely essential to use pastry for this although it matters not... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why is it... KWi: Deviation, we’ve already had him on culinary effects for the rest, half the programme. We don’t want to start another load of stuff, how to make the pastry and what regular... NP: So why are you challenging? KWi: And how much is leaking out of his tubes. NP: Leaking out of his tubes? KWi: That’s what he went on about. It’s leaking out, he said. Load of rubbish! NP: I know, that was! I don’t know why he wasn’t challenged on that because... KWi: I meant to challenge him at the time Nick but I was carried away! NP: You were throbbing in other words! KWi: Yes! NP: Well what are you challenging about now? KWi: Aaaaaahhh, it’s boring! I thought... NP: I’m afraid in this game he can be as boring as he likes as long as he keeps going and doesn’t hesitate, repeat or um, or deviate, he um it doesn’t matter. So he gains another point because I can’t agree with the challenge and there are 14 seconds left for custard pies Clement starting now. CF: One of the best things about custard pies is that it doesn’t make you repeat. Unlike radishes which have often been said to have this quality. You use eggs and milk and sugar, and you bake blind in an oven...dah! WHISTLE NP: So Clement speaking again when the whistle went at the end of that round increased his lead. And I see I’m afraid it is time for us to finish because we have no more time so let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams unlike him trailed a little this week in fourth place. Katharine Whitehorn for the first time did extraordinarily well because she came a very good third, only two points behind Derek Nimmo who was three points behind this week’s winner, Clement Freud! I’m afraid that’s all we have time for, we do hope you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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