JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,KWhitehorn
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and KATHARINE WHITEHORN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 December 1970)

NOTE: Katharine Whitehorn's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Katharine Whitehorn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And itís my pleasure in this particular show to welcome for the first time to try and do battle with these three clever players of the game Katharine Whitehorn. And once again the rules are as before. Iím going to ask them each to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do this, they will of course gain points or give them away to whoever may be challenging. That is the way we play and let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, panache. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on panache starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Itís extremely fortunate that youíve asked me to discuss this. Because nobody in this world is more appropriate! It is of course derived from the tuft of feathers originally worn on the plume of the helmet. Now...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Katharine Whitehorn, you have challenged, why?

KATHARINE WHITEHORN: Plume and feathers mean the same thing. I think that counts as repetition.

NP: No actually Katharine... Actually...

DEREK NIMMO: Plume and feathers!

CLEMENT FREUD: Sheís not coming back, is she!

KWi: Ooooh sheís most aggressive!

NP: Well she has already been warned before we started how aggressive all you three are! So sheís starting right in there in the right way! Katharine I think we only give repetition if itís a repetition of words. But itís a very good try and youíre new to the game. Iím going to give you a point for that jolly good challenge but leave the subject with Kenneth and say there are 43 seconds left for panache Kenneth starting now.

KWi: In the sense of linguistics nowadays it is taken to mean that is which is done with a flourish, so to speak, or with nicety, great style, which of course all I do endu... all of I do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I quite agree!

KWi: Itís so unfair, isnít it!

NP: But you couldnít describe your style, it was beyond words Kenneth, I quite understand! But Clement I agree with your challenge so you take the subject and there are 24 seconds left for panache starting now.

CF: The culinary connotations of this word give it an accent evous making it pana-shay meaning mixed as in salad pana-shay...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of pana-shay which is not the word on the card.

NP: Yes itís panache on the card, not pana-shay.

CF: Thatís pathetic!

NP: I give Derek the point and the subject and there are 13 seconds left for panache starting now.

DN: How must... wonderfully must have been with Henry the Eighth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Repetition of must.

KWi: Yes thatís true!

NP: All right if youíre going to be as tough as that, see how much tougher you can get. Itís absolutely correct though I think a little unfair. So I must be correct within the rules of the game. Clement you have another point, you take the subject back and there are 11 seconds left for panache starting now.

CF: A panache of salad...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of salad.

CF: Yes.

NP: You did say salad.

CF: Yes I said it earlier.

NP: All right, theyíre getting...

CF: And A I said as well!

NP: But heís not going to get two points for that. So there are eight seconds left for you Derek to continue with panache starting now.

DN: As I walk down the Strand, flourishing my shileleagh people look at me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KWi: Thatís repetition we just had flourish.

DN: Not with me you havenít.

NP: We havenít had flourish...

KWi: Ah but it was in the same context

NP: No we havenít had a flourish from er Derek before. So Derek keeps the subject as he gains a point because I disagree with the challenge, there are five seconds left Derek for panache starting now.

DN: People shout at me in the street and say you have nearly as much panache as Kenneth Williams and I say whatho, thank you so much...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may not know the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has gained a commanding lead at the end of that round. In fact the first round of any show, Iíve never seen so many points scored! So let us continue in quieter vein I hope. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is curing ham. Will you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: In order to cure ham, youíve got to have a really sick piece of pork which is smoked. And itmakes no difference whether it has mildew, bluefly or green deposits all over it. The important thing is to get it better! And ideally curing it is achieved by getting malt vinegar and hydrochloric acid and scrubbing away until every last trace...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged?

KWh: Simply because itís beginning to make me feel sick! You can have me go on in a moment.

NP: Well Iím afraid even if someone makes you feel sick on the show, if they havenít deviated or any of the other crimes I cannot award it to you.

CF: If youíd been sick, it would be deviating, wouldnít it!

NP: If you were sick yes!

CF: For the record!

NP: Yes!

CF: I just have to explain to her!

NP: No Iím afraid that it, he wasnít deviating from the subject even though he made you feel sick...

KWh: Well at least Iíve given us a respite havenít I!

NP: Yes! And weíve heard from you again which is lovely Katharine. So um Clement gets another point and there are 32 seconds left for curing ham starting now.

CF: Many people think that this applies to ham that is salted and pit away over smoke until such time as it may be eaten and served either as gammon or bacon. And there are in Bradenham, also in Wiltshire, in Yorkshire, companies that specialise particularly in this form of delicacy. I once knew one which had scarlet fever which...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KWi: Deviation. You canít know a ham!

NP: Clement Freud looked directly at you then! Um I know some hams! Iíve acted with some of them as well!

KWh: Disgusting!

NP: So in that sense, if youíd had a ham couldnít have scarlet fever I would agree. That is devious but you challenged for knowing a ham and you can technically because thatís a phrase you use in the theatre. So it is not deviation, Iím afraid. Clement Freud gets another point, four seconds is left, curing ham, Clement starting now.

CF: He worked at the Old Vic, every Tuesday and Thursday matinees...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went so he has jumped into the lead now at the end of the second round. And Katharine Whitehorn and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little behind. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is dogs I know well. Can you tell us something about the dogs you know well in 60 seconds Derek starting now.

DN: One pair of dogs that I know particularly well are made of brass and a rather lovely Adam design. And I keep them in my fireplace and rest logs on them in the wintertime, particularly at Yuletide. And they give off the most wonderful glow and I think how pretty they are. I also had a Pekinese that was given to me by my great-aunt Sarah which I like... very much indeed. Also I remember...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KWi: Hesitation.

DN: Oh...

NP: Well it was almost hesitation but I think it was such a brilliant twist from saying very very that I donít think we can allow it because it was so beautifully done with such panache that I donít think we can allow that one. It was very close so I disagree with the challenge, Derek gets a point and there are 38 seconds left for dogs I know well Derek starting now.

DN: A Yorkshire terrier that ran aground on...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Hesitation?

NP: No hesitation at all! He was keeping going all right. Thirty-one seconds left for you Derek having gained another point, dogs I know well starting now.

DN: Particularly in the Lake District I saw a wonderful great pack of hounds leaping across the turf...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KWi: Deviation, the subject is dogs he knows well. Weíve gone through brass ones, Pekinese ones, Yorkshire terriers and now heís come to a pack of hounds!

NP: Yes I...

KWi: He wouldnít be well acquainted with a pack!

NP: No I quite agree Kenneth!

KWi: I think itís just going a bit far dear!

NP: I agree with your challenge, I donít believe that Derek could be well acquainted with a whole pack of hounds. So Kenneth you gain a point and that is your first point, well done! And there are 26 seconds left for dogs I know well starting now.

KWi: In Morocco I met the most beautiful dog called Brandy. He fell in love with me at first sight and...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged?

KWh: Deviation, on behalf, on the part of the dog!

KWi: Oh I see! Whatís she mean? Whatís she mean? Come on Nick! Whatís she saying!

NP: She means that the dog had absolutely supreme taste.

KWi: Oh! Thatís nice! Thatís all right, yes!

NP: She was calling into question your taste, but not the dogs!

KWi: Oh I see!

NP: In other words the dog thought you were super but you were not deviating. Iím going to give Katharine a point for that, she gets all her points with these rather brilliant challenges! But Iím afraid he wasnít deviating strictly speaking from the subject on the card so weíre still with you Kenneth and there are 16 seconds left for dogs I know well starting now.

KWi: My friend said "put your face right next to his and with my camera I will record this loving couple". Surely no finer example in life exists than man with his friend the dog, manís natural friend, manís...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Yes...

KWi: What happened there? I wanted to keep going!

NP: I...

KWi: That gentlemanís furious! Look at his face, heís gone white!

NP: I think a lot of people are going to be very furious but I must be fair. Actually Clementís buzzer did go before the whistle.

KWi: What on behalf of?

NP: What was it Clement?

CF: Repetition of man.

NP: You did repeat man, you know.

KWi: Oh well he gets it, does he?

NP: Iím afraid he does, Iíve got to be fair, you see...

KWi: Oh what a pity, I was...

NP: It was clever but there we are, he managed it. And literally thereís only half a second left for dogs I know well Clement starting now.

CF: Devonshire...

WHISTLE

NP: So very artfully getting in once again just before the whistle Clement Freud gets an extra point. Heís increased his lead over Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Katharine your turn to begin. Would you like to talk to us about dieting for 60 seconds starting now.

KWh: Dieting is a subject which every woman journalist has to write about at least twice a year. And the great thing that needs to be known about dieting is those foods which are not fattening. These are particularly food eaten when nobody sees you eating it, food stolen off other peopleís plates, especially when they donít see you taking it, food that has... for some reason or another been left on the side of somebody elseís plate. And anything that is left in the dish in the dining room is always known to be not fattening and so constitutes a diet within the meaning of the act. There are other diets which I have followed with greater or less success. I tried dieting by eating nothing except bananas. Iíve tried dieting by eating nothing except food. Iíve tried dieting by earing nothing except whiskey and I canít say that one really worked! I can only say that... the next diet that I try will be... a diet... that....

WHISTLE

NP: Ladies and gentlemen I have often accused our three male players of being ungallant! But you couldnít say that they were ungallant then. I think we had food about six or seven times, eating four or five times, and er... well dieting is the subject...

KWh: Well you asked me for the word that...

NP: But no it was lovely! We loved hearing it! The audience adored it, Katharine! You did it beautifully. Youíve spoken for the first time in Just A Minute, youíve gained some confidence and now youíll do even better Iím sure. And youíve not only gained a point for the whistle but youíve gained an extra point for going without being interrupted. So youíve now jumped... forward!

KWi: What position is she in?

NP: Sheís still in third place with you.

KWi: Hasnít she scored three?

NP: No sheís a little ahead of you.

KWi: Is there some jiggery-pokery going on here? Whatís going on? What are you doing here?

NP: Come and have a look!

KWi: I never get nothing!

NP: Clement Freud is still in the lead, heís two points ahead of Derek Nimmo, Katharine Whitehorn is now in third place and youíre just a little way behind. So Kenneth itís your turn to begin...

KWi: Oh thank goodness for that! I havenít been heard of for...

NP: And a very apt subject again at this particular moment, sauce. Can you talk to us about sauce Kenneth for 60 seconds starting now.

KWi: Well I suppose most people think of it as flavouring, something to be added to their food. Other people think of it as impertinence or...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge?

DN: Repetition of people.

KWh: People.

NP: Yes weíve had more than other people.

KWi: Oh how true! How very true!

NP: How ridiculous you are sometimes! Ah Derek youíve gained the subject and of course another point and there are 51 seconds left for sauce starting now.

DN: I awfully like a lovely sauce on my gander, donít you?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KWi: Deviation, a sauce can be pican, it can be nutritious, it can be anything but it canít be lovely. Loveliness is not a quality you can apply...

NP: I disagree, you can have a lovely sauce.

KWi: No, do you know what loveliness means, dear?

NP: Yes I know, it means to love. I know all about that...

KWi: Well itís nothing to do with sauce.

NP: No but colloquially some people sometimes say that sauce...

KWi: Weíre not here concerned with colloquial...

NP: We are because thatís how people speak, colloquially. When you have to keep going for 60 seconds when there are people like you trying to challenge, itís very difficult to find exactly the right adjective. So he colloquially was not deviating from the subject, Derek Nimmo gets another point and he keeps sauce and there are 47 seconds left Derek starting now.

DN: One of the troubles with Kenneth Williams is that heís always giving the chairman of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KWi: Deviation, the subjectís sauce, not Kenneth Williams.

NP: I think he was going to say one of the troubles with Kenneth Williams is the sauce that he gives. But um Iím going to put it to the audience because Kenneth made a good challenge and obviously Derek was going to get in the word sauce, he wasnít deviating. But if you think that Kennethís challenge was justified, will you cheer, and if you think it wasnít will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You think it was an unjustified challenge without any doubt!

KWi: You should never have asked them! Theyíre a load of idiots! Theyíve all been got here under false pretences! I believe they all came in for nothing! They all came in for nothing!

NP: Kenneth, I believe, I believe, your mother is sitting in the audience.

KWi: Yes and I shall leave the stage if Iím not give more respect! I should be given more respect, shouldnít I?

NP: Yes well all right. Anyway you didnít... the audience made their decision and they have said that Derek Nimmo not only keeps the subject, gains a point and the subject is sauce Derek...

KWi: Disgraceful!

NP: ...and there are 44 seconds left starting now.

DN: I like sauce on my Christmas pudding. My Aunt Beatrice who lives in Blasfutures Avenue in Prestadden North makes quite the finest sauce that Iíve ever tasted. She puts a lot of brandy into it. And when it goes on top of the old pud, she sets fire to it! And the pyrotechnics have to be seen to be believed! And people come from miles around to warm their hands around this lovely sauce! And I say good old...

BUZZ

DN: Whoís buzzing?

NP: Clement Freud, why?

CF: You canít come from miles around Prestadden because itís a seaside town!

KWi: Oh!

NP: Oh dear oh dear! Yes I think we must give him that one, mustnít we. Itís only fair. So well done Clement you gain a point and the subject and there are 22 seconds left for sauce starting now.

CF: If you take English mustard, port wine and redcurrant jelly, and melt all three substances in a saucepan, you achieve something called Cumberland sauce which is one of the great classic sauces of this country. It has been said that France has 123 cheeses and we have one sauce...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we certainly got plenty of sauce in that round. And Clement Freud was again speaking when the whistle went, so he now has a lead still over Derek Nimmo but itís only a lead of one. And the other two are still trailing a little. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject is electricity. Can you talk to us about electricity for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Electricity is what leaks out of the socket when you remove the bulb. And often have I come into houses which have been fired with this substance to the point of 30, 40, even 60 volts. Iíve opened the door and someone has said "be careful, um, electricity is around...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn you challenged.

KWh: He said um.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation, yes.

KWh: Yes.

NP: You say hesitation, not um, yes. Itís easier. He technically hesitated...

KWh: All right, Iíll say hesitation, but he said um!

NP: Absolutely right and you gain the subject and a point of course and there are 38 seconds left for electricity starting now.

KWh: I entirely share...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I disagree. And Katharine has yet to get into her stride in this game. So she keeps the subject having gained another point and there are 37 seconds left for electricity Katharine starting now.

KWh: I entirely share the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged again.

CF: Didnít think she got into her stride properly!

NP: So youíre giving her another point.

CF: Oh!

NP: Itís at your own expense you know. So Katharine has another point and there are 36 seconds left for electricity starting now.

KWh: I entirely share the fear of electricity that was expressed in Clement Freudís story. I think that I... feel the same way about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: She said um.

NP: So?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes yes, all right. There are people that write in about these things you know...

CF: Yes.

NP: ... unless we get it absolutely clear. Hesitation Clement and there are 30 seconds left for you on electricity starting now.

CF: On many a wall thereís something called a plug from which this electric... lick...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation Derek, taking over the subject and 24 seconds left starting now.

DN: When you go round to Piccadilly Circus one of the things that really strikes you is the amount of electricity thatís employed there to light up the great vista that you look at. And people come, even from Prestadden to look at it. Because they know that there the signs are without parallel in the whole of the British Isles. And I do agree with them and I think itís a tremendous shame that the people of that lovely liquid they make over in Dublin have taken down their clock because that was one of my happiest childhood memories...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that last electric performance by Derek Nimmo gained him an extra point as he was speaking as the whistle went and heís now equal in the lead alongside Clement Freud. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is custard pies. I donít know why that makes them laugh so much unless they imagine one on your face or something. But can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: They always say that in France there are 257 cheeses but in England thereís only one custard pie. I quite agree with them because this is the sort of thing that any gastronomic pundit loves to give out whether it is true or not. But I always like to devour this particular delicacy. If you go along...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn why have you challenged?

KWh: It is not a delicacy!

NP: Well I suppose itís the way you look at it, you see...

KWh: Well if it depends on looking at it, that proves my point!

NP: Yes I think in most people it is not considered a delicacy and there are 42 seconds for you on custard pies starting now.

KWh: The great thing about custard pies is to distinguish between an eating pie and a throwing pie...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: The subject is pies not pie, so repetition because she said pie twice.

NP: Yes it is custard pies, it is, a throwing pie and an eating pie, so I think that is legitimate...

KWh: That makes two pies in all though doesnít it!

CF: Yes! Indeed!

NP: Yes thatís a good point isnít it.

CF: Itís the subject.

NP: All right weíll leave it with you Katharine Whitehorn. You have another point and there are 36 seconds left for custard pies starting now.

KWh: You make them with entirely different things according to which you wish to do with them...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: The two whiches.

KWh: No, which you wish.

CF: (in cold voice) It sounded from here as if you were saying exactly the same thing twice.

NP: But actually Clement I think...

KWi: Itís all too awful! Theyíre so rude! I mean thereís a lady here, come here for the first time and youíre taking the rise like that! Terrible!

NP: Actually Clement if youíd had her for hesitation which it sounded like to me I would have agreed.

KWi: Yes! Exactly!

NP: She actually said which and wish. Therefore I disagree with the challenge because it was not deviation. So Katharine gets another point and there are 32 seconds left for custard pies Katharine starting now.

KWh: If you want to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well itís not much good really is it! But I... I was going to say hesitation but I just realised she hadnít got into her stride so...

NP: I think it would be fair to say she has got into her stride now.

DN: Just a reflex action!

NP: Well and truly in her stride and doing extraordinarily well so it was a hesitation, she didnít get going in time. So Derek...

DN: Oh Iím sorry!

NP: ...you take the subject back, 30 seconds left for custard pies starting now.

DN: When he picks one up and he throws it up in the air and it lands in his own face and I always laugh at that, donít you? I do think if you go along to the palladium and that little fellowís there with his little hat and baggy trousers...

BUZZ

NP: Katharine Whitehorn.

KWh: Little twice.

NP: Yes there was little twice.

DN: Oh yes.

NP: Well listened Katharine, you have another point.

DN: Jolly good!

NP: You take over the subject...

DN: Striding away now!

NP: Eight... really in her stride, isnít she!

DN: Really in her stride!

NP: Custard pies is back with you Katharine and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

KWh: The point...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KWi: Katharine you must come in!

NP: Yes Iím afraid it was. Iíve got to be firm with you now because you were in the lead for a second, youíve lost it now. So Clement I agree with the challenge, you take over the subject of custard pies and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

CF: It is absolutely essential to use pastry for this although it matters not...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why is it...

KWi: Deviation, weíve already had him on culinary effects for the rest, half the programme. We donít want to start another load of stuff, how to make the pastry and what regular...

NP: So why are you challenging?

KWi: And how much is leaking out of his tubes.

NP: Leaking out of his tubes?

KWi: Thatís what he went on about. Itís leaking out, he said. Load of rubbish!

NP: I know, that was! I donít know why he wasnít challenged on that because...

KWi: I meant to challenge him at the time Nick but I was carried away!

NP: You were throbbing in other words!

KWi: Yes!

NP: Well what are you challenging about now?

KWi: Aaaaaahhh, itís boring! I thought...

NP: Iím afraid in this game he can be as boring as he likes as long as he keeps going and doesnít hesitate, repeat or um, or deviate, he um it doesnít matter. So he gains another point because I canít agree with the challenge and there are 14 seconds left for custard pies Clement starting now.

CF: One of the best things about custard pies is that it doesnít make you repeat. Unlike radishes which have often been said to have this quality. You use eggs and milk and sugar, and you bake blind in an oven...dah!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement speaking again when the whistle went at the end of that round increased his lead. And I see Iím afraid it is time for us to finish because we have no more time so let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams unlike him trailed a little this week in fourth place. Katharine Whitehorn for the first time did extraordinarily well because she came a very good third, only two points behind Derek Nimmo who was three points behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud! Iím afraid thatís all we have time for, we do hope you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.