JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PScales
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PRUNELLA SCALES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 January 1971)

NOTE: Prunella Scales's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Prunella Scales in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And Iím pleased to welcome back to the show most courageously Prunella Scales. Sheís come once again to try and pit her wits against these three devastating and passionate players. Sorry, players of the game. Anyway good luck Prunella, Iím sure youíre going to do jolly well. And once again Iím going to ask them each to speak on some unlikely subject if they can without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points and if theyíre challenged and I agree with the challenge they will not gain points. That is how we play, that is how we score. And Clement Freud, will you begin, can you start this week on astronomy. Sixty seconds, now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Ideally to study and practice astronomy, you need a dark...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, you challenged very rapidly. Why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, you cannot ideally study anything, let alone astronomy! It was rubbish!

NP: Well do you know, I think you can ideally do something. I mean, itís according..

KW: Well you wouldnít be a human being, would you, because youíd be ideal and no human being is! So itís a load of rubbish!

NP: I know but itís according to your, itís according to your interpretation of the word. And maybe some peopleís feelings may be that what theyíre doing may be an ideal way of doing something. And so I disagree with the challenge so Clement Freud gains a point and he keeps the subject of astronomy, 55 seconds left starting now.

CF: A dark night. And many of the occasions on which I have announced the housekeeper and taken out my telescope and said "oh ho! There...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: I wish I hadnít! I thought he said oh oh. But he didnít, he said oh ho.

NP: He said ho ho, didnít he?

DN: I... repetition, I was against him, I didnít...

NP: Oh ho! He was being very clever! Setting hismelf up as a target and... what did you say Clement?

CF: Oh ho.

NP: Oh yes.

CF: Quite distinctly without any ulterior motive.

DN: Actually the chairman did think as I did, you see.

NP: I did...

KW: You see, it comes into the song. Oh ho, oh ho, his nose doth show, how off the black jack to his lips doth go! (sings) Oh ho! Oh ho!

NP: Thatís right...

KW: Now I suppose weíd better get on, hadnít we?

NP: I donít... yes but we enjoyed it anyway Kenneth. Clement you keep the subject, 47 seconds left for astronomy starting now.

CF: There is the plough, said I. Itís the pluff, responds the woman. No, no...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: I suspect it wasnít oh ho this time!

NP: Your suspicions are correct. It was absolutely correct. And so two noes gain you a point Derek, you take over the subject and there are 40 seconds left, as tronomy, starting now.

DN: My favourite place to study astronomy is standing on top of the Wallace Memorial outside Stirling. There Iíve looked up into the night at Orions Belt, three beautiful stars gleaming. And I know that only the farrest smoke of a thousand years that came before the birth of time...

BUZZ

NP: Prunella Scales you have challenged.

PRUNELLA SCALES: Deviation, itís a science. Heís getting all romantic about it!

NP: Heís getting romantic. But he sees romance in a science.

PS: Astronomyís a science.

NP: Yes I know.

PS: You canít talk about science like that.

NP: Oh I think you can be romantic about anything really Prunella. It was jolly well tried, but Iím afraid I do feel that he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from astronomy. So however romantic he wasnts to get about it. So he gains another point and there are eight seconds left, astronomy Derek, starting now.

DN: One has a rather jolly shape like a pan. And I always liked looking at that one when I was seven and a half. My Mummy used to show it to me...

WHISTLE

NP: Just to remind you that that whistle that is so beautifully blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has a lead of one over Clement Freud at the end of the first round. Kenneth will you begin the next round. Something that youíve given plenty of in this particular game, passion.

DN: Oooh!

NP: So can you give us some more passion or at least talk about passion for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well as Saint Simeon passionately declared all that we know of a man is his reputation. And as for his character madam, only the all knowing can be aware of that! How true this is. And with what motivation this so thrilled the human frame that you might define the entire feeling as passion! And I admit to a degree of intensity! And now Iím throbbing with it! People have actually said "look at him pulsating. Heís going, he is. He...

BUZZ

NP: Prunella Scales youíve challenged, why?

PS: Repetition, heís going, he is.

NP: Yes, he is, he is. It was very...

KW: No I said heís going, he is.

NP: Oh...

KW: Thatís not repetition, thatís heís one minute and itís he is the next.

NP: Oh let the audience be the judge. Theyíre absolutely fair always, the audience is.

KW: Donít ask them!

NP: Iím about to ask them!

KW: No because youíre quite right! Youíre the chairman! We will abide, we will abide by your decision, my friend.

NP: No you have challenged my decision. So therefore ladies and gentlemen if you agree with Prunellaís challenge will you cheer. And if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Just about there.

NP: All right, so the audience have decided and there are 14 seconds left for you Prunella on passion starting now.

PS: Passion is totally foreign to the English mentality. The French understand it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged?

DN: Well itís not foreign to my mentality! So itís deviation.

NP: Well Iím, Iím inclined to agree. It is not foreign to the English mentality. They may be less passionate than some races, but itís...

KW: Sheís speaking in a general sense and sheís quite right! Weíre not as passionate as...

DN: But you just said you were throbbing with it!

KW: (in Welsh accent) Ah but I am not English, my darling, I am Welsh! You see.

DN: Heís Welsh!

KW: (Welsh gibberish)

NP: Anyway I agree with Derekís challenge and he takes the subject of passion. There are nine seconds left Derek starting now.

DN: I have tremendous passion for butterfly collecting. And I go out with a lovely net in green meadows...

BUZZ

NP: Prunella Scales why have you challenged?

PS: This is exactly what I meant. He can have a passion for butterfly collecting...

NP: Yes.

PS: ...but this is what I meant about it being foreign to the English temperament.

NP: I donít think you established that.

PS: Deviation.

NP: No...

PS: I mean! Butterfly collecting!

NP: But I mean it is still passion, that is the subject on the card. Heís not strictly speaking deviating, however much you think it may be devious to have a passion for butterflies. So the passion is still with you Derek and there are three seconds left starting now.

DN: I have a passion for nubile women with big thighs! And I...

WHISTLE

NP: Prunella can I ask you, did Derekís last thought...

PS: Oh yes! That was exactly what I meant!

NP: Oh good! There we are. But Derek has increased his lead at the end of that round over all the others. And Prunella itís your turn to begin. The subject is why I want to play Lady MacBeth. I donít know whether you have ever felt you wanted to play it but anyway can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

PS: I have never played Lady MacBeth but I have always wanted to, because I think Iím absolutely ideal casting for it. When I was very young, I was convinced that I would grow up tall and dark and gaunt and ecstatically beautiful. I also thought I would grow up to be a man but that didnít happen either...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of grow up.

NP: Yes.

PS: Yes.

NP: That is right, so Derek you gain a point and you take over this subject, why I want to play Lady MacBeth. Can you tell us why and there are 44 seconds left starting now.

DN: I want to play Lady MacBeth because when I was a child I always thought that I would grow up to be gaunt and beautiful and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged...

KW: Weíve had all this before, we donít want it again.

NP: Iím afraid you havenít had it from Derek. So therefore he gains another point for that. So he can say it, that er for the first time. Thirty-seven seconds left Derek, why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now.

DN: It would be absolutely lovely to romp around in those great long robes with...

BUZZ

DN: ...blood all over your hands! What?

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, nobody who ever played Lady MacBeth would romp around!

NP: You havenít seen some of the people who have played Lady MacBeth obviously!

CF: Sheís not a romper!

KW: You canít, in any sense...

CF: A thunderer, but not a romper.

NP: All right, I know...

DN: Itís not deviating from the subject!

NP: No youíre well in the lead. I... itís a questionable point of whether you were deviating from the subject or not. But I think there is justification for the challenge so I give it to you Kenneth...

KW: Thank you.

NP: And there are 34 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now.

KW: Why I want to play Lady MacBeth is because thatís what Shakespeare wrote it for in the beginning, a boy! And what more lovely specimen than what you see before you...

BUZZ

KW: ...now!

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

KW: If I got up upon the stage...

DN: Deviation, deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well heís not a boy, heís a dirty old man!

NP: The audience obviously disagree in spite of that look! They entirely disagree with Derekís challenge. But obviously...

DN: Give it to him!

NP: Well all right, Iíll tell you what, weíll put it to the audience. Do you agree with Derekís challenge, ladies and gentlemen. If you do will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: An absolute draw so there we are. Kenneth keeps the subject, no points scored and there are 21 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: And because I would say most beautifully "and Duncanís scars would I...

BUZZ

NP: Prunella Scales why have you challenged?

PS: Hesitation.

KW: What are you talking about?

NP: Not quite, he got very close to it. I didnít know quite what he was talking about but I donít think it was hesitation. So Kenneth gets a point and there are 17 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now.

KW: And memories, the border of the brain, shall be accume! And the receipt of the reason, a limbeck only. Ah what dialogue is there for a fine...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth were you quoting from MacBeth?

KW: Yes (goes into fast paced MacBethian gibberish)

NP: If youíd said it like that we would have understood!

KW: Ah!

NP: There we are! So Lady MacBeth gives you some points Kenneth and you have jumped ahead of Clement Freud at the end of that round. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is smoking in the kitchen. Yes that makes you think doesnít it! But can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When you see smoking in the kitchen, itís fairly obvious that something is burning. And depending on what you have, what saucepans are on the stove, what joints are in the oven...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of what.

NP: What source, what. Yes but itís a bit unfair isnít it! What!

DN: No all right.

NP: No but if you challenge, I must be fair. It is perfectly correct. So therefore Derek you take over the subject with another point and there are 47 seconds left for smoking in the kitchen starting now.

DN: Smoking in the kitchen is particularly pleasant if youíre lying on the floor with a large cigarette holder in your hand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of in.

NP: All right then, Iím going to give it back to Clement and weíre not going to start challenging any more after this on these small words because otherwise the game will run to a grinding halt. So Clement you get the subject back and there are 42 seconds left for smoking in the kitchen starting now.

CF: In what in the kitchen, can you smoke? You may well ask! What in...the heavenís name...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, utterly deserved. And indeed generous to him, youíve given him the subject back. He thought heíd be very clever and try and get in as many whats and ins and ands as he could. And he hesitated. So Derek you get a point and the subject back, 33 seconds left, smoking in the kitchen starting now.

DN: Smoking in the kitchen, I see! Call for the fire brigade, I shout! And the brigade arrives, in come those splendid men in their lovely uniforms with their big choppers in their hands. They smash down the door, open everything up to the wide world and squirt away with their hoses! Water goes right over the flames and everything begins to subside. And drop gently down until once more that lovely place where the food is cooked is cool and dry again. And everyone is happy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek was speaking once again as the whistle went so he gains another point. Heís increasing his lead at the end... in fact heís now way out in the lead and the other three are almost equal in second place. And by the way thereís a lovely devious thought you had there Derek. You said they broke, they came in and then they broke the door down! But obviously...

DN: My goodness! Youíre quite right Nick!

NP: Derek itís your turn to begin...

DN: Good thing weíre not all as sharp as you!

NP: Itís a good thing weíre not all as sarcastic as you Derek! Reading under the bedclothes is the subject that Ian Messiterís thought for you Derek. So can you talk to us about it starting now.


DN: Well the particular kind of bedclothes that I like to read under are an accumulation of nighties. I hang them up above my head. And then I snuggle along below them with a tiny lighted candle and a book...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, he wouldnít be under there with a lighted candle! Heíd burn himself to death!

NP: You see, the awful thing is that probbaly youíre absolutely correct in that sense that if he burned himself to death he couldnít be reading under the bedclothes. But in talking about it, heís not actually deviating from the subject on the card.

CF: Heís getting to smoking in the kitchen!

NP: So while itís pretty close Iím afraid I must be accurate about the subject on the card which is reading under the bedclothes which he was describing. And there are 45 seconds left for you Derek starting now.

DN: Another variety of this particular pastime of course can be obtained if you get into your actual bed, your sheets and blankets and perhaps an eiderdown above you. And an electric torch in your hand. And there you can open a copy of... Samuel Pepys...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Yes hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I quite agree. Yes he wasnít sure what he was going to open under this bedspread was he! Kenneth you have the subject and you have...

KW: What is the subject? What is it?

NP: All right! Iím just about to give it to you. Twenty-nine seconds though first, reading under the bedclothes starting now.

KW: Well this isnít something I do very often. But I have, I recall, on one occasion done it where I was particularly frightened. And I was frightened...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of frightened.

NP: You say it beautifully Clement. So you take over the subject and there are 18 seconds left, reading under the bedclothes starting now.

CF: Of course you have to have bedclothes and a book, otherwise the whole idea of this pastime...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this has already been established. Heís just going over old ground and all these bedclothes weíve gone through until theyíre all rotten with...

NP: I havenít seen Clement Freudís bedclothes. No he hasnít had the subject before and he started again talking about the bedclothes and the other necessary things to have for reading.

KW: Oh!

NP: So Iím afraid I, he wasnít deviating from the subject, he keeps it, there are 13 seconds left starting now.

CF: A Thousand and One Nights would be a very suitable volume for reading under...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Sorry my mistake. Give him a point. Reading it was going to be but reading is part of the card. Repetition I was going to say, repetition of reading but readingís part of the card.

NP: Youíve taken your challenge back. I never quite understand if someone challenges incorrectly whether the person gets a point, I suppose he should strictly speaking. So Clement gets another point and there are eight seconds left for reading under the bedclothes starting now.

CF: The chief defect of Henry King was chewing little bits of string...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well he recites this wretched poem on every programme which everyone knows! I eman nothing could be more repetitious! The chief defects of Henry King! All the time!

KW: He says it all the time!

DN: He doesnít know what to say, heís just filling the gap!

KW: All the time!

DN: Itís not in A Thousand and One Nights...

KW: Yes!

DN: Itís very boring! It was pretty boring three years ago!

KW: Yes! Heís absolutely right! Oh hurray! Iím glad itís come out! Iím glad youíre here! Iím glad!

NP: Kenneth! Prunella you ahvenít said anything, would you like to say something as well? Theyíve all had about Henry King, anything at all you think about it? No you wouldnít, Iím so sorry. So anyway the thing is all youíve done now you know Derek is the fact youíve drawn Clementís attention to you bring it out. Heíll bring it out even more! Heíll bring it into smoking in the kitchen and everything! Ah what were you challenging for after your long dissertation?

DN: Repetition of the chief defects of Henry King!

NP: Ah yes, but he could read that under his bedclothes so itís not strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card...

DN: No, no.

NP: So he has another point and there are four seconds left starting now.

CF: God made the evil grocer, as a forepent and a side...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Oh itís nothing to do with this! Heís just doing these quotes, itís nothing to do with reading under the bedclothes.

NP: This is, as I understand it, what he was reading under the bedclothes. So he has one other point, one second left, starting...

BUZZ

DN: He did say he was reading A Thousand and One Nights, didnít he?

CF: No.

NP: Well he might have a lot of books under the bedclothes.

CF: A library!

NP: Prunella you challenged, why?

PS: He misquoted.

NP: What did he misquote?

PS: Itís God made the wicked grocer for mystery and side.

KW: Oh!

DN: Very good! Very good! Aha! Sucks to Freud!

KW: Yes! Yes!

DN: Sucks to Freud!

KW: Yes you canít argue with that, can you!

DN: Heís come to judgement and or hearts...

KW: And the countryís free again, isnít it! Itís a free country! And she got up and she affered her freedom.

DN: If heís reading, he canít be misquoting can he!

KW: Exactly!

NP: Chaps I must point out some of the audience are leaving.

CF: Most of the audience!

KW: All right then! Leave! I can hear the train go!

NP: I must point out to the listeners that somebody really has left. We hope itís for a train. And...

KW: No sheís livid!

NP: Prunellaís got a point and thereís one second left for you Prunella with reading under the bedclothes starting now.

PS: One of the reasons Iím not...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Prunella Scales was speaking then when the whistle went so she gains very rapidly two points there and she is now still in third place behind Clement Freud and Derek is still very definitely the leader. Kenneth will you begin the next round, my fancy. Can you tell us what your fancy...

KW: I must say theyíve chosen stinking subjects for me, havenít they!

NP: I, Iím inclined to agree. Weíve had some stinking subjects this week.

KW: They are rotten!

NP: So anyway now weíd like you to talk about my fancy starting now.

KW: My fancy is this particular poem which runs: white as a white sail on a dusky sea, with half the horizons clouded and half free, fluttering between... oh, I said half twice!

BUZZ

NP: Well keep going even if you do! They might even be generous even if they notice it. Clement...

KW: Yeah, not with these faces round here! Theyíre not generous!

NP: Clementís challenge came first.

CF: Repetition of white.

NP: Yes indeed there was. Heís gone right back to you when you said white white right at the beginning.

KW: Quite!

NP: There are 46 seconds left for you Clement, my fancy, starting now.

CF: My fancy is Prunella Scales of the rumbustious breast, the lugubrious...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Iím not coming here to listen to a load of filth! This si supposed to be a family show, isnít it! Because look at her, sheís gone white!

NP: She...

KW: Itís an absolute disgrace! Yes and somebody else has already left!

NP: And also her husband is sitting in the audience as well...

KW: Yes! Her husbandís sitting in the audience!

NP: So I agree with Kenneth Williamsí challenge, weíll get straight on with the game...

CF: How would you describe it?

NP: Iím not going to be drawn any further! And say there are 40 seconds left for Kenneth Williams on my fancy starting now.

KW: My fancy is generally for precision and neatness. I have been referred to as compact. And I think you will agree that that verdict is not mispronounced.(In Listen with Mother voice) And we give three little green men a bowl of milk, thatís my fancy this week. And I put two bob each way on Lady Bluebell and hoped to win the National Sweepstake at some future date. (usual voice - I can hardly call it normal) And then of course my fancy could go for angelica and silver balls on top of ice...

WHISTLE

NP: Well all I can say Kenneth is fancy that! But your fancy managed to bring you well back from the fourth position to a very definite third position, but still Derek Nimmoís in the lead. Prunella can you begin the next round, the subject is magic. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

PS: After a particularly virulent row last week with my husband, he said "darling, whereís the magic?" And I realised...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I beg your pardon?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I disagree.

DN: Sorry.

NP: Prunella has another point and there are 57 seconds left for magic Prunella starting now.

PS: And I realised that indeed I have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of realised.

NP: Yes I know but itís rotten! Because when she has to start again, sheís not very experienced at the game...

PS: Oh!

NP: ...she starts off with the phrase she left with...

PS: I didnít realise I couldnít.

NP: No well Iím afraid you canít Prunella. So I have to stick to the rules so Derek gets a point, 56 seconds for magic, Derek starting now.

DN: Merlin was a great practitioner of this art. And how I like going to the cinema or reading childrenís books, and reading about this remarkable man who joined up with Arthur and his own round table and all those lovely knights...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, Merlin did not join up with Arthur at all.

NP: What happened to him?

KW: Because he didnít join up with him! He came, he discovered him, he didnít join up with him.

NP: No he wasnít in the sense, in that sense, join up.

CF: The description wasnít even in the...

KW: Precisely!

NP: No he just associated himself with him.

KW: He discovered him in the box.

NP: Yes there we are.

KW: Floating.

NP: Kenneth all right you have the point and the subject, 39 seconds for magic starting now.

KW: Indeed it was put to me quite recently that only this degree in any kind of belief holds, so to speak, the imperative. As long as people believe, shall we say, in the nature of a miracle...

BUZZ

NP: Prunella Scales you challenged. Why?

PS: Well deviation, he hasnít mentioned magic yet.

NP: He didnít mention magic, heís trying to describe it, but it sounded very devious I must say.

KW: I said itís this element in a belief that is imperative.

NP: Oh I see, well all right..

CF: Which anyone would realise meant magic!

NP: No we wouldnít! It is Kennethís interpretation of magic which we will accept. Therefore Kenneth you keep the subject and there are 21 seconds left starting now.

KW: A lot of people would say itís almost magical the experience I have when I contemplate the infinite! Oh I feel a sudden emotion. And it would seem that an act of magic is taking place. This occurs when I walk on...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was Kennethís strange and perhaps to some people devious idea of magic but heís entitled to his own interpretation of the word. So he kept the subject, he gained an extra point for speaking when the whistle went...

KW: And Iíve won!

NP: Not quite Kenneth, no.

KW: Well, whoís won?

NP: Well Iíll tell you whoís won now because we have no more time for this particular game. Prunella Scales coming back to the game after a long absence did jolly well. She got a lot of points, and she was just in fourth place. But you were all quite a way behind this weekís winner Derek Nimmo. We do hope you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.