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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PRUNELLA SCALES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 January 1971)
NOTE: Prunella Scales's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Prunella Scales in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And I’m pleased to welcome back to the show most courageously Prunella Scales. She’s come once again to try and pit her wits against these three devastating and passionate players. Sorry, players of the game. Anyway good luck Prunella, I’m sure you’re going to do jolly well. And once again I’m going to ask them each to speak on some unlikely subject if they can without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points and if they’re challenged and I agree with the challenge they will not gain points. That is how we play, that is how we score. And Clement Freud, will you begin, can you start this week on astronomy. Sixty seconds, now. CLEMENT FREUD: Ideally to study and practice astronomy, you need a dark... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams, you challenged very rapidly. Why? KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, you cannot ideally study anything, let alone astronomy! It was rubbish! NP: Well do you know, I think you can ideally do something. I mean, it’s according.. KW: Well you wouldn’t be a human being, would you, because you’d be ideal and no human being is! So it’s a load of rubbish! NP: I know but it’s according to your, it’s according to your interpretation of the word. And maybe some people’s feelings may be that what they’re doing may be an ideal way of doing something. And so I disagree with the challenge so Clement Freud gains a point and he keeps the subject of astronomy, 55 seconds left starting now. CF: A dark night. And many of the occasions on which I have announced the housekeeper and taken out my telescope and said "oh ho! There... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: I wish I hadn’t! I thought he said oh oh. But he didn’t, he said oh ho. NP: He said ho ho, didn’t he? DN: I... repetition, I was against him, I didn’t... NP: Oh ho! He was being very clever! Setting hismelf up as a target and... what did you say Clement? CF: Oh ho. NP: Oh yes. CF: Quite distinctly without any ulterior motive. DN: Actually the chairman did think as I did, you see. NP: I did... KW: You see, it comes into the song. Oh ho, oh ho, his nose doth show, how off the black jack to his lips doth go! (sings) Oh ho! Oh ho! NP: That’s right... KW: Now I suppose we’d better get on, hadn’t we? NP: I don’t... yes but we enjoyed it anyway Kenneth. Clement you keep the subject, 47 seconds left for astronomy starting now. CF: There is the plough, said I. It’s the pluff, responds the woman. No, no... BUZZ NP: Derek you challenged. DN: I suspect it wasn’t oh ho this time! NP: Your suspicions are correct. It was absolutely correct. And so two noes gain you a point Derek, you take over the subject and there are 40 seconds left, as tronomy, starting now. DN: My favourite place to study astronomy is standing on top of the Wallace Memorial outside Stirling. There I’ve looked up into the night at Orions Belt, three beautiful stars gleaming. And I know that only the farrest smoke of a thousand years that came before the birth of time... BUZZ NP: Prunella Scales you have challenged. PRUNELLA SCALES: Deviation, it’s a science. He’s getting all romantic about it! NP: He’s getting romantic. But he sees romance in a science. PS: Astronomy’s a science. NP: Yes I know. PS: You can’t talk about science like that. NP: Oh I think you can be romantic about anything really Prunella. It was jolly well tried, but I’m afraid I do feel that he wasn’t strictly speaking deviating from astronomy. So however romantic he wasnts to get about it. So he gains another point and there are eight seconds left, astronomy Derek, starting now. DN: One has a rather jolly shape like a pan. And I always liked looking at that one when I was seven and a half. My Mummy used to show it to me... WHISTLE NP: Just to remind you that that whistle that is so beautifully blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who has a lead of one over Clement Freud at the end of the first round. Kenneth will you begin the next round. Something that you’ve given plenty of in this particular game, passion. DN: Oooh! NP: So can you give us some more passion or at least talk about passion for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well as Saint Simeon passionately declared all that we know of a man is his reputation. And as for his character madam, only the all knowing can be aware of that! How true this is. And with what motivation this so thrilled the human frame that you might define the entire feeling as passion! And I admit to a degree of intensity! And now I’m throbbing with it! People have actually said "look at him pulsating. He’s going, he is. He... BUZZ NP: Prunella Scales you’ve challenged, why? PS: Repetition, he’s going, he is. NP: Yes, he is, he is. It was very... KW: No I said he’s going, he is. NP: Oh... KW: That’s not repetition, that’s he’s one minute and it’s he is the next. NP: Oh let the audience be the judge. They’re absolutely fair always, the audience is. KW: Don’t ask them! NP: I’m about to ask them! KW: No because you’re quite right! You’re the chairman! We will abide, we will abide by your decision, my friend. NP: No you have challenged my decision. So therefore ladies and gentlemen if you agree with Prunella’s challenge will you cheer. And if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Just about there. NP: All right, so the audience have decided and there are 14 seconds left for you Prunella on passion starting now. PS: Passion is totally foreign to the English mentality. The French understand it... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged? DN: Well it’s not foreign to my mentality! So it’s deviation. NP: Well I’m, I’m inclined to agree. It is not foreign to the English mentality. They may be less passionate than some races, but it’s... KW: She’s speaking in a general sense and she’s quite right! We’re not as passionate as... DN: But you just said you were throbbing with it! KW: (in Welsh accent) Ah but I am not English, my darling, I am Welsh! You see. DN: He’s Welsh! KW: (Welsh gibberish) NP: Anyway I agree with Derek’s challenge and he takes the subject of passion. There are nine seconds left Derek starting now. DN: I have tremendous passion for butterfly collecting. And I go out with a lovely net in green meadows... BUZZ NP: Prunella Scales why have you challenged? PS: This is exactly what I meant. He can have a passion for butterfly collecting... NP: Yes. PS: ...but this is what I meant about it being foreign to the English temperament. NP: I don’t think you established that. PS: Deviation. NP: No... PS: I mean! Butterfly collecting! NP: But I mean it is still passion, that is the subject on the card. He’s not strictly speaking deviating, however much you think it may be devious to have a passion for butterflies. So the passion is still with you Derek and there are three seconds left starting now. DN: I have a passion for nubile women with big thighs! And I... WHISTLE NP: Prunella can I ask you, did Derek’s last thought... PS: Oh yes! That was exactly what I meant! NP: Oh good! There we are. But Derek has increased his lead at the end of that round over all the others. And Prunella it’s your turn to begin. The subject is why I want to play Lady MacBeth. I don’t know whether you have ever felt you wanted to play it but anyway can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now. PS: I have never played Lady MacBeth but I have always wanted to, because I think I’m absolutely ideal casting for it. When I was very young, I was convinced that I would grow up tall and dark and gaunt and ecstatically beautiful. I also thought I would grow up to be a man but that didn’t happen either... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged, why? DN: Repetition of grow up. NP: Yes. PS: Yes. NP: That is right, so Derek you gain a point and you take over this subject, why I want to play Lady MacBeth. Can you tell us why and there are 44 seconds left starting now. DN: I want to play Lady MacBeth because when I was a child I always thought that I would grow up to be gaunt and beautiful and... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged... KW: We’ve had all this before, we don’t want it again. NP: I’m afraid you haven’t had it from Derek. So therefore he gains another point for that. So he can say it, that er for the first time. Thirty-seven seconds left Derek, why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now. DN: It would be absolutely lovely to romp around in those great long robes with... BUZZ DN: ...blood all over your hands! What? NP: Kenneth why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, nobody who ever played Lady MacBeth would romp around! NP: You haven’t seen some of the people who have played Lady MacBeth obviously! CF: She’s not a romper! KW: You can’t, in any sense... CF: A thunderer, but not a romper. NP: All right, I know... DN: It’s not deviating from the subject! NP: No you’re well in the lead. I... it’s a questionable point of whether you were deviating from the subject or not. But I think there is justification for the challenge so I give it to you Kenneth... KW: Thank you. NP: And there are 34 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now. KW: Why I want to play Lady MacBeth is because that’s what Shakespeare wrote it for in the beginning, a boy! And what more lovely specimen than what you see before you... BUZZ KW: ...now! NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged. KW: If I got up upon the stage... DN: Deviation, deviation. NP: Why? DN: Well he’s not a boy, he’s a dirty old man! NP: The audience obviously disagree in spite of that look! They entirely disagree with Derek’s challenge. But obviously... DN: Give it to him! NP: Well all right, I’ll tell you what, we’ll put it to the audience. Do you agree with Derek’s challenge, ladies and gentlemen. If you do will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: An absolute draw so there we are. Kenneth keeps the subject, no points scored and there are 21 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth, Kenneth, starting now. KW: And because I would say most beautifully "and Duncan’s scars would I... BUZZ NP: Prunella Scales why have you challenged? PS: Hesitation. KW: What are you talking about? NP: Not quite, he got very close to it. I didn’t know quite what he was talking about but I don’t think it was hesitation. So Kenneth gets a point and there are 17 seconds left for why I want to play Lady MacBeth starting now. KW: And memories, the border of the brain, shall be accume! And the receipt of the reason, a limbeck only. Ah what dialogue is there for a fine... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth were you quoting from MacBeth? KW: Yes (goes into fast paced MacBethian gibberish) NP: If you’d said it like that we would have understood! KW: Ah! NP: There we are! So Lady MacBeth gives you some points Kenneth and you have jumped ahead of Clement Freud at the end of that round. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is smoking in the kitchen. Yes that makes you think doesn’t it! But can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now. CF: When you see smoking in the kitchen, it’s fairly obvious that something is burning. And depending on what you have, what saucepans are on the stove, what joints are in the oven... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition of what. NP: What source, what. Yes but it’s a bit unfair isn’t it! What! DN: No all right. NP: No but if you challenge, I must be fair. It is perfectly correct. So therefore Derek you take over the subject with another point and there are 47 seconds left for smoking in the kitchen starting now. DN: Smoking in the kitchen is particularly pleasant if you’re lying on the floor with a large cigarette holder in your hand... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Repetition of in. NP: All right then, I’m going to give it back to Clement and we’re not going to start challenging any more after this on these small words because otherwise the game will run to a grinding halt. So Clement you get the subject back and there are 42 seconds left for smoking in the kitchen starting now. CF: In what in the kitchen, can you smoke? You may well ask! What in...the heaven’s name... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, utterly deserved. And indeed generous to him, you’ve given him the subject back. He thought he’d be very clever and try and get in as many whats and ins and ands as he could. And he hesitated. So Derek you get a point and the subject back, 33 seconds left, smoking in the kitchen starting now. DN: Smoking in the kitchen, I see! Call for the fire brigade, I shout! And the brigade arrives, in come those splendid men in their lovely uniforms with their big choppers in their hands. They smash down the door, open everything up to the wide world and squirt away with their hoses! Water goes right over the flames and everything begins to subside. And drop gently down until once more that lovely place where the food is cooked is cool and dry again. And everyone is happy... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek was speaking once again as the whistle went so he gains another point. He’s increasing his lead at the end... in fact he’s now way out in the lead and the other three are almost equal in second place. And by the way there’s a lovely devious thought you had there Derek. You said they broke, they came in and then they broke the door down! But obviously... DN: My goodness! You’re quite right Nick! NP: Derek it’s your turn to begin... DN: Good thing we’re not all as sharp as you! NP: It’s a good thing we’re not all as sarcastic as you Derek! Reading under the bedclothes is the subject that Ian Messiter’s thought for you Derek. So can you talk to us about it starting now. DN: Well the particular kind of bedclothes that I like to read under are an accumulation of nighties. I hang them up above my head. And then I snuggle along below them with a tiny lighted candle and a book... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, he wouldn’t be under there with a lighted candle! He’d burn himself to death! NP: You see, the awful thing is that probbaly you’re absolutely correct in that sense that if he burned himself to death he couldn’t be reading under the bedclothes. But in talking about it, he’s not actually deviating from the subject on the card. CF: He’s getting to smoking in the kitchen! NP: So while it’s pretty close I’m afraid I must be accurate about the subject on the card which is reading under the bedclothes which he was describing. And there are 45 seconds left for you Derek starting now. DN: Another variety of this particular pastime of course can be obtained if you get into your actual bed, your sheets and blankets and perhaps an eiderdown above you. And an electric torch in your hand. And there you can open a copy of... Samuel Pepys... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KW: Yes hesitation. NP: Hesitation, I quite agree. Yes he wasn’t sure what he was going to open under this bedspread was he! Kenneth you have the subject and you have... KW: What is the subject? What is it? NP: All right! I’m just about to give it to you. Twenty-nine seconds though first, reading under the bedclothes starting now. KW: Well this isn’t something I do very often. But I have, I recall, on one occasion done it where I was particularly frightened. And I was frightened... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of frightened. NP: You say it beautifully Clement. So you take over the subject and there are 18 seconds left, reading under the bedclothes starting now. CF: Of course you have to have bedclothes and a book, otherwise the whole idea of this pastime... BUZZ NP: Kenneth why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, this has already been established. He’s just going over old ground and all these bedclothes we’ve gone through until they’re all rotten with... NP: I haven’t seen Clement Freud’s bedclothes. No he hasn’t had the subject before and he started again talking about the bedclothes and the other necessary things to have for reading. KW: Oh! NP: So I’m afraid I, he wasn’t deviating from the subject, he keeps it, there are 13 seconds left starting now. CF: A Thousand and One Nights would be a very suitable volume for reading under... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Sorry my mistake. Give him a point. Reading it was going to be but reading is part of the card. Repetition I was going to say, repetition of reading but reading’s part of the card. NP: You’ve taken your challenge back. I never quite understand if someone challenges incorrectly whether the person gets a point, I suppose he should strictly speaking. So Clement gets another point and there are eight seconds left for reading under the bedclothes starting now. CF: The chief defect of Henry King was chewing little bits of string... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Well he recites this wretched poem on every programme which everyone knows! I eman nothing could be more repetitious! The chief defects of Henry King! All the time! KW: He says it all the time! DN: He doesn’t know what to say, he’s just filling the gap! KW: All the time! DN: It’s not in A Thousand and One Nights... KW: Yes! DN: It’s very boring! It was pretty boring three years ago! KW: Yes! He’s absolutely right! Oh hurray! I’m glad it’s come out! I’m glad you’re here! I’m glad! NP: Kenneth! Prunella you ahven’t said anything, would you like to say something as well? They’ve all had about Henry King, anything at all you think about it? No you wouldn’t, I’m so sorry. So anyway the thing is all you’ve done now you know Derek is the fact you’ve drawn Clement’s attention to you bring it out. He’ll bring it out even more! He’ll bring it into smoking in the kitchen and everything! Ah what were you challenging for after your long dissertation? DN: Repetition of the chief defects of Henry King! NP: Ah yes, but he could read that under his bedclothes so it’s not strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card... DN: No, no. NP: So he has another point and there are four seconds left starting now. CF: God made the evil grocer, as a forepent and a side... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Oh it’s nothing to do with this! He’s just doing these quotes, it’s nothing to do with reading under the bedclothes. NP: This is, as I understand it, what he was reading under the bedclothes. So he has one other point, one second left, starting... BUZZ DN: He did say he was reading A Thousand and One Nights, didn’t he? CF: No. NP: Well he might have a lot of books under the bedclothes. CF: A library! NP: Prunella you challenged, why? PS: He misquoted. NP: What did he misquote? PS: It’s God made the wicked grocer for mystery and side. KW: Oh! DN: Very good! Very good! Aha! Sucks to Freud! KW: Yes! Yes! DN: Sucks to Freud! KW: Yes you can’t argue with that, can you! DN: He’s come to judgement and or hearts... KW: And the country’s free again, isn’t it! It’s a free country! And she got up and she affered her freedom. DN: If he’s reading, he can’t be misquoting can he! KW: Exactly! NP: Chaps I must point out some of the audience are leaving. CF: Most of the audience! KW: All right then! Leave! I can hear the train go! NP: I must point out to the listeners that somebody really has left. We hope it’s for a train. And... KW: No she’s livid! NP: Prunella’s got a point and there’s one second left for you Prunella with reading under the bedclothes starting now. PS: One of the reasons I’m not... WHISTLE NP: Well Prunella Scales was speaking then when the whistle went so she gains very rapidly two points there and she is now still in third place behind Clement Freud and Derek is still very definitely the leader. Kenneth will you begin the next round, my fancy. Can you tell us what your fancy... KW: I must say they’ve chosen stinking subjects for me, haven’t they! NP: I, I’m inclined to agree. We’ve had some stinking subjects this week. KW: They are rotten! NP: So anyway now we’d like you to talk about my fancy starting now. KW: My fancy is this particular poem which runs: white as a white sail on a dusky sea, with half the horizons clouded and half free, fluttering between... oh, I said half twice! BUZZ NP: Well keep going even if you do! They might even be generous even if they notice it. Clement... KW: Yeah, not with these faces round here! They’re not generous! NP: Clement’s challenge came first. CF: Repetition of white. NP: Yes indeed there was. He’s gone right back to you when you said white white right at the beginning. KW: Quite! NP: There are 46 seconds left for you Clement, my fancy, starting now. CF: My fancy is Prunella Scales of the rumbustious breast, the lugubrious... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams... KW: I’m not coming here to listen to a load of filth! This si supposed to be a family show, isn’t it! Because look at her, she’s gone white! NP: She... KW: It’s an absolute disgrace! Yes and somebody else has already left! NP: And also her husband is sitting in the audience as well... KW: Yes! Her husband’s sitting in the audience! NP: So I agree with Kenneth Williams’ challenge, we’ll get straight on with the game... CF: How would you describe it? NP: I’m not going to be drawn any further! And say there are 40 seconds left for Kenneth Williams on my fancy starting now. KW: My fancy is generally for precision and neatness. I have been referred to as compact. And I think you will agree that that verdict is not mispronounced.(In Listen with Mother voice) And we give three little green men a bowl of milk, that’s my fancy this week. And I put two bob each way on Lady Bluebell and hoped to win the National Sweepstake at some future date. (usual voice - I can hardly call it normal) And then of course my fancy could go for angelica and silver balls on top of ice... WHISTLE NP: Well all I can say Kenneth is fancy that! But your fancy managed to bring you well back from the fourth position to a very definite third position, but still Derek Nimmo’s in the lead. Prunella can you begin the next round, the subject is magic. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now. PS: After a particularly virulent row last week with my husband, he said "darling, where’s the magic?" And I realised... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. NP: I beg your pardon? DN: Hesitation. NP: I disagree. DN: Sorry. NP: Prunella has another point and there are 57 seconds left for magic Prunella starting now. PS: And I realised that indeed I have... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Repetition of realised. NP: Yes I know but it’s rotten! Because when she has to start again, she’s not very experienced at the game... PS: Oh! NP: ...she starts off with the phrase she left with... PS: I didn’t realise I couldn’t. NP: No well I’m afraid you can’t Prunella. So I have to stick to the rules so Derek gets a point, 56 seconds for magic, Derek starting now. DN: Merlin was a great practitioner of this art. And how I like going to the cinema or reading children’s books, and reading about this remarkable man who joined up with Arthur and his own round table and all those lovely knights... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, Merlin did not join up with Arthur at all. NP: What happened to him? KW: Because he didn’t join up with him! He came, he discovered him, he didn’t join up with him. NP: No he wasn’t in the sense, in that sense, join up. CF: The description wasn’t even in the... KW: Precisely! NP: No he just associated himself with him. KW: He discovered him in the box. NP: Yes there we are. KW: Floating. NP: Kenneth all right you have the point and the subject, 39 seconds for magic starting now. KW: Indeed it was put to me quite recently that only this degree in any kind of belief holds, so to speak, the imperative. As long as people believe, shall we say, in the nature of a miracle... BUZZ NP: Prunella Scales you challenged. Why? PS: Well deviation, he hasn’t mentioned magic yet. NP: He didn’t mention magic, he’s trying to describe it, but it sounded very devious I must say. KW: I said it’s this element in a belief that is imperative. NP: Oh I see, well all right.. CF: Which anyone would realise meant magic! NP: No we wouldn’t! It is Kenneth’s interpretation of magic which we will accept. Therefore Kenneth you keep the subject and there are 21 seconds left starting now. KW: A lot of people would say it’s almost magical the experience I have when I contemplate the infinite! Oh I feel a sudden emotion. And it would seem that an act of magic is taking place. This occurs when I walk on... WHISTLE NP: Well that was Kenneth’s strange and perhaps to some people devious idea of magic but he’s entitled to his own interpretation of the word. So he kept the subject, he gained an extra point for speaking when the whistle went... KW: And I’ve won! NP: Not quite Kenneth, no. KW: Well, who’s won? NP: Well I’ll tell you who’s won now because we have no more time for this particular game. Prunella Scales coming back to the game after a long absence did jolly well. She got a lot of points, and she was just in fourth place. But you were all quite a way behind this week’s winner Derek Nimmo. We do hope you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here goodbye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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