WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and BARBARA CASTLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 February 1971)
NOTE: Barbara Castle's only appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Barbara Castle in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard weíre very privilleged to welcome to the programme this week Barbara Castle. We also congratulate her on her courage in coming along here to play the game and do battle with these three experienced and intrepid exponents of the game. Ah the very best of luck Barbara!
BARBARA CASTLE: Thank you.
NP: Once again Iím going to ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do this, how often theyíre challenged, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. So let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Frederick the Great. Can you talk to us about Frederick the Great in Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well he was renowned for welcoming at his port some men who were perceptive indeed. Among them Voltaire. In fact one morning they were walking in the grounds and he said "what is democracy, dear?" Because he was very very affectionate towards them. And he said "well it means that you must say to them I disagree heartily with what you say but will defend....
KW: ..to the death your right to say it! Donít dare to interrupt! Whoís interrupted?
NP: Clement Freud has interrupted.
KW: Oh what a nerve!
NP:Clement why have you challenged?
CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.
NP: What of?
CF: Three saids and two says.
NP: Yes you had...
KW: Thatís neither here nor there! Ask them! They were interested! Look at him! He was throbbing! He was liking it! He was loving it!
NP: We were all loving it!
KW: He was loving it! Look at him! He donít want to be...
KW: He donít want to be deprived!
NP: Oh Kenneth...
KW: He donít want to be deprived!
NP: Save a little...
KW: It was a lovely anecdote that one!
NP: Weíve only just started, save a little for later in the show.
KW: Oh Iím sorry!
NP: Yes! You did repeat said more than once so therefore Clement Freud I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and...
KW: Yeah you would! You partisan! You are absolutely biased!
NP: Yes and when...
KW: I know you!
NP: ...I disagree with the others Iím partisan towards you. So thatís the way they play it. So Clement you have 32 seconds to take over the subject of Frederick the Great starting now.
CF: Frederick the Great was only great compared to people like...
NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.
KW: Two greats, repetition.
NP: I know but great is on the card Kenneth! Stop making faces at the audience and listen to the chairman. The thing is that great is on the card and we have established many times that you can repeat what is written on the card.
KW: You can indeed repeat what is written on the card, therefore he should have said Frederick the Great. He didnít, he said great twice.
NP: He said Frederick the Great...
KW: Iím not interested in arguing about it!
NP: All right then, donít letís argue. Clement Freud has another point because I disagree with your challenge and he continues with Frederick the Great and there are 28 seconds left starting now.
CF: Philamema of the lesser slim waist...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Philamena is totally irrelevant to the subject of Frederick the Great.
NP: You havenít given him a chance to see if heís going to connect the two.
KW: There is no connection at all! She was a Greek goddess who was turned into a nightingale by Zeus...
KW: Therefore she has nothing to do with it! Itís an absolute disgrace!
NP: Youíre, youíre apescious today! Clement what were you going to say?
CF: Has nothing to do with Frederick the Great!
CF: Because she occurs in Greek mythology...
NP: Oh Kenneth you see, I must be fair. As you hadnít given him a chance to connect the two, whether he was going to say it or not, it doesnít matter, he got a good laugh in. But I really canít allow it because he hadnít got going. So Clement has another point and there are 25 seconds for Frederick the Great starting now.
CF: There were many American liberals who called Stonewall Jackson...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged again.
KW: American liberals and Stonewall Jackson have nothing to do with Frederick the Great. Again it is deviation.
NP: Look Kenneth, we canít go on like this. Obviously we have to put it to the audience because...
CF: Give it to him! Give it to him!
NP: You want to give it to him? All right, he wants Frederick the Great. Thatís great generosity on the part of Clement Freud. He deserves a round of applause but donít bother because we havenít got time! Kenneth you have the subject back of Frederick the Great and there are 23 seconds left starting now.
KW: He had a penchant for tall men, and imported some people from the Caribbean because he was told they were all over six foot. Erroneously of course. But they were shipped and without holes being bored in the boxes they were shipped in, most of them died in the process. And when he opened the box he said "oh hello...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. Why?
DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of box.
NP: Yes. Yes Iím afraid you repeated your boxes.
KW: Most ungallant of you!
NP: I know but it was rather clever getting in just before the whistle. So you did repeat boxes. I agree with Derekís challenge...
KW: So heís got in just before the end to get the point! Thatís what heís done!
NP: No he got a legitimate point because you repeated boxes and he was the first to challenge. So Derek has got a point and he has two seconds for Frederick the Great starting now.
DN: Nancy Mitford has been a great aficionado...
NP: At the end of that round...
KW: Anyone could get in with two seconds! What did you clap him for?
NP: Theyíre a very warm generous audience.
KW: Warm? Daft Ďaporths, all of them! Itís me that done the work and he got in and you know it with those last two seconds! Itís a disgrace! Iíve a good mind to...
NP: Control yourself Kenneth! Youíve given an exhibition of flamboyance and rapaciousness and now misery! So please now, the audience are completely on your side, youíve insulted them and theyíve laughed.
NP: So just be content. Clement Freud at the end of the first round has three points, Derek has two. And Barbara and... oh Kenneth has one and Barbara is yet to score. But Clement it is your turn to begin, getting up early, 60 seconds starting now.
CF: As soon as the sun is in the ascendant, it is essential to draw back the bed linen, including the blankets, jump out of whatever you lie in, and...
NP: Kenneth you challenged again.
KW: ...heís already established what weíre lying in so why say whatever weíre lying in.
NP: Well he can say it if he wants...
KW: Heís thrown back the blanket so we know what heís lying in!
NP: Yes but heís still talking on the subject of getting up early. Heís not deviating from the subject on the card.
KW: Oh I donít know why Iím here, I donít!
NP: Youíre here for the entertainment value which is marvelous. Clement you have 47 seconds to continue with getting up early starting now.
CF: Soon after you hear the ring of the alarm bell. And your nickers, combinations...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Well there was a hesitation between his nickers and his combinations.
NP: There was a very definite hesitation. He didnít quite see how he could combine the two. So he hesitated, I agree Derek, you gain a point and the subject, there are 42 seconds left, getting up early starting now.
DN: I believe itís tremendously important to get up early. When youíre lying in bed, the sun is out and the clouds are floating through the heavens, you think to yourself "why are you wasting your day?" Or at least that is what I do. So I determine every morning on the stroke of 7.30 which is desperately early as far as I am concerned to get up. And when I do I do my Indian club routine which is quite magnificent. I thrust something into the hair, I throw one to one side, and I expand my chest which as you look at it is extremely considerable. And then when I have done this I get on my bicycle. And do you know when the fumes have not begun to pervade the atmosphere of the early morning, this is the time to...
NP: Well! We should all go round and watch Derek Nimmo get up if itís as funny as all that! Anyway Derek then was speaking when the whistle went which by the way for those who donít know tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek who now is in the lead alongside Clement Freud at the end of the second round. Barbara Castle, your turn to begin, the subject that Ian Messiter has chosen for you is parties I enjoy. Can you talk to us on that on subject for 60 seconds starting now.
BC: Well there are two parties I enjoy. One is ah er the Labour one and the other are the ah entertainments that I give at home. I always enjoy my own more than anybody elseís party because my food is better and also because I can control who I invite and therefore I can keep out bores. And also er loudmouths...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Thatís, well, sheís being insulting about the guests sheís inviting. She said, she said she can control her guests...
KW: ...which is a disgrace because it infers her guests are uncontrollable.
BC: No I...
KW: Itís disgraceful!
NP: Kenneth, you see you can have a party, insult your guests, do what you like as long as you donít deviate from the subject, parties I enjoy. For some reason Barbara Castle might enjoy having parties and then insulting some of her guests! It is a very strange idea but in this game, youíve got to keep going and whatever you say as long as you donít deviate from the subject is legitimate. So Barbara the challenge is not accepted...
BC: Thank you! Thank you! Iím glad thereís some justice in this situation!
BC: I wasnít talking about my guests, I was talking about the people I hadnít invited.
NP: Oh yes!
BC: As a matter of fact I was making an oblique reference to you! But I...
NP: So Barbara Castle has her first magnificent point, 39 seconds for parties I enjoy Barbara starting now.
BC: I havenít much time for social activities and so when I go out for a dinner or an informal occasion Iím very anxious not to be sitting next to someone who is talking shop. And one of the risks of being a politician is that everyone one finds oneself near to one on these occasions is very much inclined...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well I heard one...
KW: Well one, yes, one... Is oneself also one?
NP: Yes it was oneself, she said one, oneself and everyone.
KW: Oh theyíre all other words.
NP: The one was there but theyíre all three separate words. You listened very well, you were very keen, you were on one of your keenest days...
NP: You have managed to give Barbara Castle another point because itís an illegitimate challenge...
KW: Oh I see.
NP: Anyway I disagree...
BC: How many seconds have I got left?
NP: Iím just going to tell you Barbara, you have 21 seconds for parties I enjoy starting now.
BC: So I er find that they are ah always, particularly when one is a Minister, long to come along and talk to you about the job that they think they can do better than you can. And in when one was Minister of Transport...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
BC: When I was Minister of Transport! One isnít, I mean, it should be I, shouldnít it!
NP: Clement, yes, but why did you challenge Clement?
CF: Well I realise sheís been a lot of Ministers but she said it twice.
NP: You did actually repeat Minister.
BC: Minister, yes, quite right.
NP: You repeated Minister more than once. So this time I must agree with the challenge, Clement gains a point and four seconds left for parties I enjoy starting now.
CF: Well the one that gives me most pleasure is at 59 West Heath Road, North West Bridge...
NP: That tine Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he gains that extra point...
KW: Extra point, he was waffling when the whistle went!
NP: So heís now in the lead, Derek Nimmoís in second place and Barbara Castleís now in third place and Kenneth Williams is in fourth place. Kenneth itís your turn to begin. Kenneth the subject is chance. Youíve gone all miserable! Can you talk to us about chance, 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well of course Shakespeare uses this word quite beautifully when he says... the sun...
NP: Barbara Castle has challenged you.
BC: Hesitation, we could have had... Shakespeare could have written a sonnet between his words then!
NP: Barbara I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 54 seconds for chance starting now.
BC: Well the whole of my life has been dominated by ah strange opportunities. As a matter of fact I wouldnít have been married at the present time if it hadnít been that Ted Castle happened to be a newspaperman. He ha... was ah...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
BC: I didnít finish the word!
CF: My slow reflex!
NP: Your slow reflex tells you...
NP: Happened. Yes.
BC: No I didnít! I took it back! I swallowed it! I said H-A and made...
NP: All right, I will finally, finally, Barbara is a guest and itís the first time sheís done battle with these three horrible men. So Iím going to put it to you. If you agree with Clementís challenge will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Barbara Castle, you have a loyal following...
BC: Iíve always been a firm believer in British democracy! I thnak you for reaffirming my faith in it here!
NP: Barbara you have 38 seconds for chance starting now.
BC: The man who was to make me er his wife was sitting at his...
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Itís repetition of wife, heís already made her his wife.
BC: No, he hasnít! He married her!
KW: Most ungallant!
BC: He didnít make her his wife before, he married her!
KW: There he is, sitting there...
BC: He didnít make me his wife and I thought...
CF: She didnít repeat wife.
NP: Itís all right Barbara, Iím on your side, itís all right. Barbara you have 34 seconds to keep with the subject of chance starting now.
BC: And the big er Labour Party conference was going on. And one of his supporters came back from the conference and he said "thereís a red haired girl...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? Oh yes?
CF: Repetition of conference.
NP: Conference, yes...
BC: Yes, yes, Iíll give him that! I, Iím a reasonable woman!
NP: Yes! So Clement this time you gain a point and you take over the subject of chance and there are 27 seconds left starting now.
CF: The most incredible chance I had was at the Liberal Party conference in Blackpool two and a half years ago when I left the chamber, asleep perchance to dream...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged.
KW: Repetition, Shakespeare, the quotation that I was about to make!
NP: Because you hadnít made it yet what happens is that Clement gets another point and there are 11 seconds for chance starting now.
CF: Three little pigs went up into a mountain. And thereby hangs a tale which is that one of them, not a single...
NP: Barbara Castle why have you challenged?
BC: Well, mad deviation.
BC: Well itís no accident that pigs go up a mountain! They go up all the time!
CF: Chance! Pure chance!
BC: Pure chance about what?
NP: I donít think itís chance.
CF: Itís chance!
NP: No, itís not chance if a pig goes up a mountain, it might be quite deliberately because he can sniff out some truffles up there or something.
KW: Quite right! Well how right that is!
NP: Barbara Castle you have a point and you have two seconds left for chance starting now.
KW: Who done that!
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
BC: I was buzzing myself! Iím peculiar...
DN: Sheís quite right! She buzzed herself!
NP: She buzzed herself, thatís very clever.
BC: I just...
NP: So Barbara Castle buzzed herself...
DN: For hesitation!
NP: Why were you challenging yourself Barbara?
BC: Because they didnít give me a chance to start!
NP: A wonderful... I... I agree with the challenge so she gains another point! And you have one second for chance Barbara starting now.
BC: Who is that red haired girl, he said!
NP: They sometimes say that chance would be a fine thing and...
KW: I donít seem to have said anything for ages!
NP: Youíve just spoken now.
KW: Yes but I mean Iím out of it really, you know what I mean.
NP: Youíre so in it at the moment, you stopped the whole show.
KW: Whoís got the marks?
NP: Whoís got the marks? Well Kenneth youíre in a definite fourth place, a very solid fourth place.
KW: Fourth place!
KW: That means Iím losing!
NP: Derekís in third place just behind Barbara Castle whoís behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Clement your turn to begin. The subject is plastics. Clement can you talk to us about plastics for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: This is the plural of the word plastic which in common usage means a bomb thrown preferably anywhere and...
NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?
KW: I also would like to know why it didnít buzz.
NP: Well press your buzzer harder...
CF: What is the challenge?
NP: Well your buzzerís gone off but your lightís still coming on. So you got in with a challenge, why did you challenge?
KW: Deviation, the definition of plastics is not bomb.
NP: The definition of plastics, yes I agree. No I quite agree with you Kenneth that is not the definition of plastics. So you take a point and you have 50 seconds... what do you want to say Clement? You look shocked. Oh thatís all right, just acting were you? Fifty seconds for plastics...
CF: I ceased to be shocked by your decisions about four years ago!
KW: Well shut your row then and letís get on with it!
NP: Forty seconds, ah 50 seconds for you Kenneth on plastics starting now.
KW: When Mrs Cordin entertained her friends, she flung open the front door and said "every piece of timber has been removed from my house and we have substituted deep plastic. The banisters were made of this substance. So were the walls and so is the ceiling. Up the...
NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.
DN: Deviation because heís deviated from his original statement when he said that every piece of furniture had been removed from the house and been substituted by plastics. I think...
KW: No I said every piece of wood, not furniture, wood dear! Listen!You should wash your bliminí ears out!
NP: I think he did say wood Derek and not, not furniture.
NP: So Kenneth has another point and...
KW: Yes! Thank you!
NP: Kenneth! Control yourself! Twenty-eight seconds with plastics starting now.
KW: And she said "moreover I was given in the communal ward of Lawn Road Hospital top class penicillin in plastic containers". Which of course is ludicrous as everyone knows theyíre in metal containers. But she was suffering...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Repetition of containers.
NP: That is quite right, you said containers more than once...
KW: Oh well! So what if I did! It was nice!
NP: Clement takes over the subject of plastics and there are 12 seconds left starting now.
CF: Laminated draining boards and washing up buckets are just one of the range of plastics to be found in a chemistís shop on the outskirt of Kessingland. I encountered a woman...
NP: Well Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went so he got an extra point and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Barbara Castleís still in second place, Derek in third and Kenneth is creeping up just a little. Barbara your turn to begin, the subject is being misunderstood. Can you talk to us about being misunderstood for 60 seconds starting now.
BC: That has been my fate throughout the whole of my life. Er when I meet people ah in the street, they say to me "Iíve seen you on the box". And the first thing they say ah no...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
NP: Hesitation, Iím afraid we must allow that one. Derek you have a point and you have 47 seconds for being misunderstood starting now.
DN: At the Electric Theatre, Dunfrese, in 1943, by popular acclaim I was elected Miss Understood. And then a great crowd...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?
KW: Because itís advertising.
NP: What is he advertising? In particular, beside himself?
KW: Himself! Thatís enough, isnít it! Itís against the BBC charter! Youíre not allowed to advertise! Itís quite plain...
NP: Kenneth, when you...
KW: Lord Reith laid it down! I was there at the time and he laid it down!
NP: We know how old you are but Kenneth, what do you think youíre doing half the time in Just A Minute? If youíre not advertising Kenneth Williams, I donít know what you are advertising! And anyway weíve often had this point out. He hasnít deviated from being Miss Understood. So Derek you get another point, 40 seconds left starting now.
DN: I do find it a great sadness that Iíve been so misunderstood, particularly on a programme like this when Kenneth Williams so heartlessly continually interrupts me. I try to start with a little tiny subject and do my very best with it and try to the best of my tiny ability...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of best.
NP: Yes itís a bit tough but I quite agree, he said...
DN: Oh quite right, no, quite right Nick. Heís absolutely right isnít he!
NP: So Clement...
DN: Youíve got to abide by the rules!
NP: ... you get another point and there are 26 seconds left for being misunderstood starting now.
CF: I am very seldom misunderstood because I speak...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Iíd just like to agree with him.
NP: Well all that happens is he gets another point because um and there are 24 seconds left for being misunderstood starting now.
CF: Basically because I enunciate and donít mumble or use...
NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?
KW: That is flagrant rubbish! We all know he mumbles the whole time! His enunciationís rotten! everyone agrees! People have been saying get him to speak up! Get him to speak! We canít hear what heís saying! Heís a mumbler! Heís a born mumbler! Known as a mumbler!
NP: Iím sorry! I disagree with the challenge...
KW: Youíve said to me many times backstage "whatís he saying half the time?"
NP: I was talking to somebody else about you actually!
NP: I disagree with the challenge, there are 19 seconds left for being misunderstood Clement starting now.
CF: But by far the best way of being misundersood is to speak (starts to mumble) very much like this because no-one ever...
NP: Barbara Castle you challenged. Why?
BC: Inaudibility! How can we tell whether heís in order or not?
KW: Quite right! Quite right! A valid point! A very valid point!
NP: So youíre challenging him for deviation?
NP: Yes yes of course because he was talking about being misunderstood and ah he then was misunderstood. So I imagine that must be devious, especially if Barbara Castle challenges! So there are 14 seconds for you Barbara for being misunderstood starting now.
BC: Well Iím always misunderstood physically. People say to me well when Iíve seen you on the box, Iíve always thought you were very small...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?
CF: Itís the next repetition of box. You remember...
KW: No that was the other time, you canít include that in this time.
BC: No I...
NP: No actually to be perfectly fair you did start off by saying at the very beginning...
BC: I... You donít start again then?
NP: No, no...
BC: Ah! Well how am I to know? These fellers can pull all the tricks they like!
CF: Quite right! She didnít know!
BC: This is just totally weighted against women! Youíre all anti-feminist, thatís the trouble!
CF: Quite right!
BC: I knew it before I came on the programme! I just had to take one look at them, I knew they were women haters to a man! I could tell you! They get me here under false pretences! They make up rules! They say ... I know what you were doing at the back of that screen...
NP: They mumble as well, donít they!
BC: Yes they were saying why donít we make up a new rule we never told her about! So that the men can win! Oh thatís wrong!
NP: Thatís thoroughly unfair! She never, you never knew about that, did you?
BC: Of course I never knew about that!
NP: Of course! Well then we canít allow it! She gets another point for that. Yes...
BC: Thank you very much...
NP: Eight seconds...
BC: Youíre not a woman hater! As a matter of fact...
NP: I love women, yes...
BC: I think youíre rather nice looking as a matter of fact.
NP: Yes, yes...
BC: I think youíre rather sweet, yes.
DN: Thatís his wife down there!
NP: My children will... anyway...
BC: Iíve got my husband at the back of the room.
NP: Yes so, weíre getting very personal now. I mean if all the listeners want to switch off and Barbara and I will just get together for a few moments. I mean... right Barbara you have eight seconds to continue on being misunderstood starting now.
NP: Barbara Castle youíve challenged yourself yet again! So what is your challenge this time?
BC: Well my challenge is that obviously by just being here I am misunderstood so I have completed my minute by just being here and sitting here! Because I am misunderstood just by being here!
KW: Yes but you were supposed to have done that in your eight seconds darling!
BC: Well Iím, no, no...
NP: Weíll give her another chance. Give her another chance, on eight seconds. I canít give her too many points for challenging herself. Itíd become a habit with every woman, wouldnít it! There are six seconds now for being misunderstood Barbara, please donít challenge yourself again, starting now.
BC: Iím always...
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged you.
DN: Well if her husbandís standing at the back of the room she canít be Miss Understood!
NP: Give Derek Nimmo a bonus point for a clever challenge but as Barbara wasnít deviating from the subject on the card she keeps it with five seconds left starting now.
BC: So I am misrepresented by everybody who doesnít like me, and there are a lot of people who donít like me...
NP: Well Barbara Castle on that occasion was speaking as the whistle went so she gains that extra point. She also gained quite a lot of points in that round and did very well. Now Iím afraid we have to wind up because 30 minutes, believe it or not, is already up. I say it like that because we canít believe it when 60 seconds seems to go so slowly. So I must give you the final score. Kenneth in spite of all the vociferousness of his performance came in fourth place. He didnít have many points this week. And Derek Nimmo was in third place three or four points behind Barbara Castle who, for the first time on the programme, I think did marvelously well to come within only three points of this weekís winner, Clement Freud! Thank you in the auditorium here for coming along and joining us. And thank you listeners for tuning in to us and from all of us here goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.