JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO and CLEMENT FREUD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 March 1971)

NOTE: Last appearance by a three person panel.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud in Just A Minute and as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well as this is the last programme in the present series we are going to do something a little different. We have not invited a lady guest to challenge our three regular male competitors. And they are going to just play the game against each other. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, a lovely subject for you to begin with, the subject is Kenneth Williams. Clement can you talk about Kenneth Williams for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Of all the ebullient runcible colossi that I know, Kenneth Williams is the most colossus of them all. He bestrides this earth more like a narrow man than a silver haired 45 year old actor currently sitting on my right hand side, and my left hand... side...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hand repetition and also hesitation.

NP: Yes, he er knew what had happened and therefore Derek I agree with your challenge and you gain a point and you take over the subject of Kenneth Williams... Wonít it be funny when Kenneth challenges? Yes, 39 seconds left starting now.

DN: Itís been my great pleasure to know this splendid human being for at least three years. And during the whole of that time, Iíve not heard him utter one malicious word about anyone...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud, why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís untrue!

NP: I quite agree, but I wanted to hear what your actual basis of deviation was...

DN: Are you saying Kenneth is malicious, are you?

NP: Ah! You see thatís why you said it, to try and get me to say something! Iíve heard Kenneth utter malicious words but not with malicious intent. So therefore... Clementís, um, challenge is therefore true within the context of the game...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Very good chairman! I like that! Very good!

NP: There are 25 seconds left for Kenneth Williams, Clement, starting now.

CF: The endearing thing about this lovable chap is that he has today purchased a pair of shoes in a sale which he says were reduced from six guineas to three punds because the colour had gone from burgundy to light pink. No other person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, as the audience will judge, theyíre brown, not pink.

NP: Yes, I must point out to the listeners by the way that this is a true story. Kenneth did tell us this and heís wearing the shoes and we can all see now, theyíre not a light pink. So I agree with Derekís challenge and Derek you take over the subject of Kenneth Williams, eight, seven seconds left starting now.

DN: One of the fascinating things about this man is that he was born in the same year...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle by the way tells us...

KW: Whether or not they were bought in a sale, theyíre still crippling me!

NP: Tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he has a commanding lead of three at the end of that round. Clement Freud has one, so his lead is only two of course. Kenneth has yet to score because he couldnít bring himself to talk about himself. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, and the subject for you to start with this week is Clement Freud. Can you talk about Clement Freud for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Clement Freud is a rather balding, boring, elderly gastronome with five children, three houses within the British Isles and a flat on top of the Bunny Club. What he does there has not been revealed to man nor beast! He writes for the Financial Times. He makes vast sums of money in things like the Daily Mail, hair raised by very devious means indeed which Iíd like to tell you about it but he might sue me for all sorts of nasty things afterwards. He owns race horses and restaurants and heís far too successful. I am very jealous of him in fact altogether. But sometimes in a moonlit night in Venice a different Clement Freud emerges...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, on a moonlit night, heís just the same!

NP: And you are obviously speaking from experience Kenneth. But on the other hand whether heís the same or not heís not actually deviating from the subject of Clement Freud. So Derek gets another point for I disagree with the challenge, there are 17 seconds left starting now.

DN: He has a grandfather whoís always being very...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I have two grandfathers.

NP: Well if youíve two grandfathers thereís no doubt about the fact you must have one.

KW: Oh thatís good! Youíre on it!

NP: Donít shake your head, how can you have two grandfathers but no one? Derek has another point and there are 15 seconds left for Clement Freud starting now.

DN: I was once standing in a hostelry with this fellow, when a young man came along aside with his elderly grey haired mother on his arm. He said "would you like to meet the lady who gave birth to me?" And he said "no". The poor man went away...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was again speaking as the whistle went, gains the extra point. In fact heís gained a lot of the points in that round and heís very cleverly not only started with the subject but finished with it in spite of interruptions. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject for you is, youíve guessed, Derek Nimmo. So...

BUZZ

NP: Someoneís challenged already! Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Iíd just like to say itís a very well-chosen subject!

NP: We appreciate your modesty Derek which the others didnít display. Um Kenneth the subject is Derek Nimmo, talk about him if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: It was long ago remarked by an ancient divine that all the public know about a man is his reputation. And he added as to his character God alone can know that. But I have testimony to this manís...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Um I didnít hear the S but by the time I challenged...

NP: No. But you were very keen because you thought someone else might get in so you challenged...

KW: Yes you were so keen you over-reached yourself!

NP: So Kenneth you have a point and you have 30, you have 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: And on one notable occasion of which I have private knowledge, this gentleman was a guest in someone elseís house, and behaved most nobly. When the hostess fell back on opening the oven door, overcome it was alleged by the fumes, but by the other guests maintained that she was drunk...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of guest.

NP: Yes thatís right, he did say guest two...

KW: Oh I donít care! It was a damn good story! Itís ludicrous to be challenged!

NP: Kenneth I often think your stories are very good, but you make this one very very solemn.

KW: Oh well, I was leading up to it.

NP: I donít think of Derek as a solemn person! So Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 13 and a half seconds for Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: Derek Nimmo lives rather humbly in a flat...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Completely untrue! Heís never been humble in his life! Heís the most arrogant man I know!

NP: The audience seem to think that I should give Kenneth a bonus point for a malicion, a malicious, ah, but um, remark. So give it to him. Clement um keeps the subject, 10 seconds left for Derek Nimmo starting now.

CF: I should like to qualify that remark...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged again.

KW: Deviation, he wouldnít like to qualify it, he just wants to qualify it, he doesnít like doing it at all!

NP: Well whether he likes to do it or wants to do it, heís still not deviating from Derek Nimmo. So he gains another point and he carries on for eight seconds with Derek Nimmo, starting now.

CF: By stating that the manner of his habitation is only modest for one of his arrogance! This is what...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Deviation, the manner of his habitation. Doesnít mean, doesnít make any sense does it. I mean habitation canít have a manner. Your way of life can but your habitation presumably hasnít. How can a house have a manner?

NP: Well itís a rather flowery and prosy as a way of expressing something. But you know, one has to use strange expressions in this to keep going. So Clement you have two seconds left for Derek Nimmo, starting now.

CF: He has a wife and children...

WHISTLE

NP: So the subject of Kenneth Williams took Derek Nimmo to the lead, and the subject of Derek Nimmo took Clement Freud to the lead, but alongside Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And Derek itís your turn to begin, my funnybone. Can you talk about my funnybone in 60 seconds starting now.

DN: One of my metatarsals is terribly funny. And sometimes my friends look at it and say "my goodness, how ludicrous is your funny bone!" And I say "may I have a look at yours?" And when I do, I find they always agree with me that mine is much more humorous than theirs. I have shown it at all the places in this country. Once walking through Leicester Square I said to a man "would you like to see my funnybone?" He said "of course I would" and we went into a doorway and there he looked at it. And he was enchanted with it! And he said "could I please take a photograph so I can send it home to my wife?" And there he took a quick snap of my funnybone which he mounted on a piece of green card and sent it back to Melbourne in Australia. And there it was published in the local newspaper. People came from all over the place to buy copies because this was the funniest bone that had had ever been seen. I never...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derekís funny bone was not only funny but extremely clever. The first one to keep going with the subject from start to finish without being interrupted for 60 seconds for quite some time. And by the way he gains an extra bonus point for not being interrupted. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, Joan of Arc. A very apt subject for you Iím sure Kenneth. But will you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well of course the Archbishop of Rheims is reputed according to the memorabilia in the Louvre Museum, to have said to her "you will stand alone. The Bastard of Orleans will disown you, the Dauphin will do the same." And she replied "even if you turn against me and I am burned, I will go through the flames to the peopleís hearts forever..." and then she said the word again! "And so God be with me." And thatís a very noble sentiment. And I once was in a restaurant with an actress who played the character of Saint Joan. And in the bar, she was discussing the role. And the gentleman that disturbed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in just before. What was it?

CF: You canít get rolls in bars!

NP: You canít get what? You canít get what in bars? I didnít hear what you said.

CF: A roll.

NP: A role?

DN: It was a joke.

NP: Yes you can get a roll in a bar. I know, I didnít hear what he said though. Rolls, I know. So um it was a joke which didnít get much applause! Therefore it is an illegitimate challenge and Kenneth gets another point and there are two seconds left for Joan of Arc starting now.

KW: Well itís a shame I canít tell the story, I havenít got the time...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth started with the subject and finished with it. But although he didnít get the bonus point, he got the extra point because the challenge wasnít allowed. Do you want to finish the story by the way Kenneth?

KW: It was Siobhan McKenna who played Saint Joan and the waiter served her in the bar, and it was the same waiter who later served her with the meal. And he said to him "oh are you doubling?" And he said (in Irish accent) "no, Tipperary!"

NP: Ah itís a nice story with a nice end. There we are. I wish I could double your score but Iím afraid I canít so, because the others wouldnít like it. So Kenneth you are in third place, Clementís in second place still behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Derek now it is your turn and the subject is getting into debt. Sixty seconds for getting into debt, Derek, starting now.

DN: One gets into debt if one is unable to make ends meet. And therefore this is something which I find terribly difficult to talk about. Because if you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, if he finds it difficult to talk about, why donít he shut up!

NP: But you see, in this game even if you find something difficult to talk about, you obviously have to keep going. So he wasnít deviating from the subject. So Derek gets another point, 50 seconds left starting now.

DN: I have a new house in the countryside which I am going to christen tomorrow morning Debt. And itís going to be wonderfully funny going to get into Debt...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition of going three times.

NP: Yes, yes, you were going to the country and going. So Kenneth you get a point and there are 43 seconds left starting now.

KW: Often the people of this country are harangued and exalted by other people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: Repetition of people.

KW: Oh arenít he clever!

NP: So people gets Clement a point on this occasion. And there are 25 seconds for you Clement on getting into debt starting now.

CF: I find this very difficult to talk about. But getting into debt is invariably occasioned by having insufficient money or means which can raise loot of any kind, which Americans now refer to as bread, an unpleasant term I think...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well the subject is getting into debt, not the colloquialisms used by Americans. Heís off the subject.

NP: He had established he was talking about getting into debt and then...

KW: He was going off about the Americans way of defining getting into debt, which is nothing to do with the subject. Itís deviation!

NP: I maintain he was still...

KW: Itís deviation! In any language! How can people...

NP: Now listen... Clement, listen... I mean Derek... I mean who are you? One or the other! Now listen Kenneth, stop getting me going like that! You cannot talk about...

KW: Oooooooh!

NP: Oh yes! I hope this showís going to be allowed to go out!

KW: Someone should get you going, get you out of your apathy!

NP: Kenneth you cannot possibly talk about getting into debt without discussing money.

KW: He wasnít discussing that.

NP: Oh yes he was discussing money and he said the Americans refer to it as bread. Ten seconds with you Clement, getting into debt starting now.

CF: The auctioneer in Belfast to whom I entrusted several cases of wine started...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why did you challenge?

KW: Deviation, weíve gone from the Americans now to auctioneers in Dublin. Itís nothing to do...

DN: Belfast.

KW: ..with getting into debt.

NP: I think he was just about to say he got him into debt. He actually said got.

KW: Well you could be just about to be doing anything, couldnít you, in the game?

NP: Not on this programme! I must give, you know to be fair, because I do get letters about this. He really didnít get a chance to establish the connection between his remark about the...

KW: Well what do you think Derek?

DN: I agree with you Ken! Totally!

KW: Ah!

NP: Youíll always disagree with the chairman, any of you! No all right then, if you feel like that, I will put it to the audience. Do you feel... I must point out that I definitely donít think that...

CF: Thatís the way to get them! I wish youíd stop saying that! If you wouldnít say what you thought, Iíd occasionally get the cheers or boos. But every time you say I personally...

NP: Iíll try it the other way round.

DN: Put it as a straight question!

CF: Yes!

NP: Oh no, you must let them know if..

DN: If you were in a law court you couldnít say this is what we want you to do, please find him guilty.

NP: The judge... I donít set myself up as...

DN: A man is innocent until heís proven guilty in...

NP: Yes but also... weíre not going to have an argument about it... After all I am not a judge... Shut up, the two of you! Now listen! If you think Clement Freud was deviating will you boo, and if you donít think he was deviating will you cheer. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud was not deviating which is exactly what I thought! Thank you! And as we always play this game like little boys, I will now say to Derek Nimmo and to Kenneth Williams, sucks to you!

DN: Interesting.

NP: Letís get on with Just A Minute...

DN: When thereís not a lady on the show, it all comes out!

KW: Yes! It certainly does! Talk about Freudian!

NP: Steady on! Steady on! Weíve had quite a lot come out in this show, we donít want any more! Five seconds left for you Clement with getting into debt starting now.

CF: As a result of this perfidious...

DN: Thatís not what they said!

CF: ...villainy on the part of the Northern Irish wine merchant...

WHISTLE

NP: And at the end of that round...

KW: Youíre quite right Derek! Itís a disgrace!

DN: Yes!

NP: ...Clement gained an extra point for speaking when the whistle went, heís now clept up... oh...

KW: Clept up! What a joke!

NP: Oh...

KW: Heís got no diction even! Heís got no diction!

NP: Who would have at the end of 26 shows left with these three to battle with. Itís certainly one against three up here, I can tell you. Clement Freud has crept up, one point on... even Ian Messiterís fighting me! He pulled the score away before I had a chance to read it! Heís crept up, one point on Derek Nimmo whoís still in the lead...

KW: The audience are appalled...

NP: Sit down Derek! Stop haranguing the audience! Once, once the sentence, you bring out the law court, the court of law before, once the sentence has been passed, thereís nothing more to be said. So...

KW: What, weíre all going to be executed or something? Good gracious me! You;re going to put a black cap on next! He is!

NP: I think after some of the things youíve said, hung drawn and quartered would be better! I think itís about time to have the last subject! Because weíre running out of time. I think weíre all going to get time at the end of this show. And the subject which has been very aptly chosen to finish this particular round and we hope this series of Just A Minute is saying goodbye. Weíve all shed a tear in the audience. Cheer up again, letís get on with the game. Whoís to speak? Whose turn is it? Kenneth Williams itís your turn to go. Oh everything you say now! Kenneth Williams, 60 seconds for saying goodbye starting now.

KW: Parting is such sweet sorrow was of course written by our great bard, the Swan of Avon, who might have been...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well I thought there was a hesitation there but...

NP: No, no, he was a bit quiet...

DN: Very much!

NP: And a bit mumbly but he didnít actually hesitate.

DN: Quite.

NP: He was just teetering on it. So he keeps the subject, 50 seconds left, saying goodbye, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Tears of farewell were spilled on me by Derek Nimmo on Waterloo Station when he said to me "hereís your satchel when you go back, donít forget me. Hereís the books and the flowers and the chocolates." (loud teary sniff) And I was heartbroken. (all but in tears) Because I had to go to the provinces and he stayed here, showing himself at the West End...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think he quite hesitated. So Kenneth has another point and heís still saying goodbye, 25 seconds left starting now.

KW: (in tears) I said "but for you itís the lights and London. For me itís oblivion!" And he said "yes it is!" But few mistake...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, I didnít say it!

NP: Well um, I can only take your word on that.

DN: Please do!

NP: All right, we have to take your word, because Iím, Iím inclined to believe that you didnít say it. It didnít sound quite like you, I must say Derek! Fourteen seconds left for saying goodbye Derek starting now.

DN: Well Iíd like to say goodbye to everybody in this audience today. To dear Clement Freud and lovely Kenny! To old Nick Parsons whoís not nearly as bad as he looks or is painted...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He is!

NP: The audience are not now my friends any more! They heartily applauded. And the only thing that I can do is they applauded so loudly I have to agree with you! Clement gets a point for a horrid challenge, and the audience clap. But Derek Nimmo keeps the subject and there are four and a half seconds left, saying goodbye Derek, starting now.

DN: So tera! Whatho! Long may we...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

DN: He doesnít know!

NP: He doesnít...

CF: I wanted...

DN: He wants to say tera.

CF: I was going to say goodbye.

NP: Thereís one, thereís one second left and he wants to say goodbye...

CF: Can I say goodbye?

NP: And actually, will it influence the score if he does? It will make a difference to the final score if Clement says goodbye. Wouldnít it be a marvelous idea if they both finished up equal? And let Clement...

DN: No! I want to win! This is not justice!

NP: Iíll tell you what we will do. There is one second to go but before Derek has his final second we will let Clement Freud say goodbye.

CF: Derek Nimmo, goodbye!

NP: Iíve never heard...

CF: And Kenneth Williams...

NP: ...anybody say it so pathetically and get a big laughter from it! Perhaps some of us who try for laughs are playing it the wrong way. All right Derek, thereís one second left for saying goodbye starting now.

DN: Cheerio! Too-toodle-oo!

WHISTLE

DN: Goodbye! Goodbye! (sings) Goodbye, touche...

KW: (sings) Goodbye-ee! Goodbye-ee! Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eye-ee!

NP: There are some people who are listening still, we hope, who might like to hear what the final score is. And I think itís a very apt one, this is the last one in this present series which makes us all very sad. And the three who played it most regularly have come out very very close. Kenneth was only just in third place, just three points behind Clement Freud who was just behind this weekís winner who was Derek Nimmo!

KW: And what about, what about a cheer for the man who never gets a clap, that wonderful man who cheers this show every week, Nicholas Parsons!

NP: Thank you very much indeed! And I must tell the listeners that even Clement Freud clapped then! And so anyway theyíve all won at different times and it was a final result, weíd like them all to finish equal. Weíve enjoyed playing the game so much. But thank you to the audience here for coming and enjoying our final show in this particular series. We thank the listeners, we do hope theyíve enjoyed this last show in our present series. And we hope theyíll want to tune in again when once again Just A Minute returns to the air. Until that time from all of us here who enjoy playing Just A Minute as much as we hope you enjoy listening to it, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.