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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and NICHOLAS PARSONS, chaired by ANDREE MELLY (Radio, 4 April 1972)
NOTE: Andree Melly's only appearance as chairman. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Just A Minute, with Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and deposed chairman Nicholas Parsons. And as our contribution to the womens liberation movement the chairman is Andree Melly. ANDREE MELLY: Thank you. The object of this game is to speak for Just A Minute without repetition, hesitation or deviation. I know it’s very difficult because I’ve tried it. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be lenient, oh no! Hehehe! So... NICHOLAS PARSONS: She looked at me when she said that! AM: Keep going, don’t repeat yourself and don’t get off the subject. As Nicholas Parsons hasn’t had much experience of being on the receiving end of the game we are going to start with him. Nicholas can you speak for Just A Minute on the position now I find myself in... NP: No! AM: ...starting now. NP: The position I now find myself in is a very uncomfortable one. I feel like Daniel must have done when he went in amongst the lions. And let me tell you who these lions are. Sitting on my left I have Peter Jones. I know he washes regularly and his breath is as pure as gold and that great aura of wit and charm that he exudes is a great companionable chap. And he makes me feel in this position very comfortable. But facing me I see Kenneth Williams who goes in great flights of rhetoric, audacity and panache beyond all words. And sometimes the audience love it and sometimes they cheer and sometimes they boo. But Clement Freud sitting beside him with his dog-like look. And also those taciturn features which belie so much that goes on beneath that cranium there with the wheels ofhis brain turning at such speed and alacrity. You could never foot... WHISTLE AM: Wow! Well Nicholas Parsons gets two points for speaking for Just A Minute without interruption... NP: May I now retire? AM: Not a fair idea! There were many many repetitions of sometimes that I heard. But everyone was being very very nice and well done. Next Kenneth Williams. Can you speak for Just A Minute on women in authority starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: They’re a disgrace! And moreover they use their position, their dirty feminine wiles and thus result in disorganisation and cheap... come back here! BUZZ NP: I challenged. AM: Yes, Nicholas Parsons challenged. NP: Deviation, because the chairwoman left the platform! You dried up Kenneth Williams and so he hesitated. As well. AM: Ah well, I didn’t hear hesitate. It is very kind of you to support me... NP: I didn’t, you fell! AM: But I don’t really accept the challenge, Kenneth gets a point and he keeps the subject. There are 49 seconds, women in authority starting now. KW: Women in authority are always better if they’re replaced by men! Only then can you have a proper kind of impartiality and an objectivity. Because men do not bring anything... BUZZ AM: Clement Freud you challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of men. AM: Yes there was. That’s a point to Clement, there are 35 seconds, you have the subject, women in authority, starting now. CF: I am very much in favour of women in authority. Not only are women the best other sex that we have but authority... BUZZ AM: Kenneth you challenged. KW: Deviation, it’s ridiculous to say that they’re the best other sex we have, they’re the only other sex we have! AM: I’m afraid that although he was being lovely about us women, I have to agree with Kenneth. He gets a point and the subject, women in authority with 26 seconds starting now. KW: You can see the result of women in authority when you read those feminine sections of these daft magazines where they’re all advising these idiots who write in about their acne. They say "oh it’ll be all right love! Shove a bit of pancake over and he’ll never notice!" What a load of rubbish! And indeed this goes on every single week. Heartbroken, Berkhampstead. Have you ever heard anything like it? And they write to these women who are supposed to... BUZZ AM: Clement you challenged. CF: Write, repetition of. KW: No the first one was R-I-G-H-T, and the other was W-R-I-T-E. AM: Um I think Clement was right. Anyway he was being so nice about us all and Kenneth was being so horrible and I can say which is right and which is wrong. So Clement gets the subject, he gets a point, he’s got one second for women in authority starting now. CF: Lovely! WHISTLE AM: Ah Clement is in the lead at the end of that round. Kenneth is just behind him, Nicholas behind him, and Peter we haven’t started the score yet, we haven’t heard from you at all. NP: He can’t be in front, we’re all behind. AM: It’s now Clement’s turn, the subject is women in trousers. Can you speak for 60 seconds on women in trousers starting now. CF: The most important thing about women in trousers is to ascertain whose trousers the women are in. And if you should find that she is wearing a pair of her own, you are in a very much better condition then, should she be dressed in someone else’s apparel. I once met a woman who was wearing Nelson’s trousers. And as... BUZZ AM: Nicholas you challenged. NP: Nelson wore breeches, not trousers, deviation. AM: Oh yes, I think that’s quite clever, I think that’s all right. You get a point, you get the subject... NP: I don’t want it! AM: There are 36 seconds for women in trousers starting now. NP: Women in trousers, what does it mean? I say to you all sitting out there in the audience, this could be the beginning of the end if you didn’t see the end of the trousers. Now... BUZZ AM: Clement buzzed first. Now you challenged? CF: Repetition of end. AM: Yes I heard two ends. There was the end... NP: Well I was talking about malaprops, you see... AM: Um I accept his challenge, he gets a point, he gets the subject, women in trousers, there are 28 seconds starting now. CF: There are still a number of London restaurants who maintain... BUZZ AM: Peter you challenged. PETER JONES: Deviation, he’s talking about restaurants, his favourite subject. Nothing to do with women in trousers. AM: Well as we haven’t heard from you for a long time Peter, I’m going to give you the subject and a point. There are 25 seconds for women in trousers starting now. PJ: They can get about and be very nimble when they’re wearing these. Skirts, I do feel... BUZZ AM: Kenneth you challenged. KW: Deviation, whether they’re in trousers or not has nothing to do with it. They can get about in skirts. I mean to say it’s totally irrelevant, it’s devia, it’s deviation. AM: Well no. I have the experience of being in trousers and skirts and you’re much nimbler in a pair of pants. So Peter keeps the subject, there are 20 seconds, he gets a point, the subject’s women in trousers starting now. PJ: And it’s quite useful if they’re going up ladders, coming down stairs, riding horseback or jumping up and down on weighing machines, a variety of activities... BUZZ AM: Nicholas you challenged. NP: Well that is definitely to my mind devious. If you jump up and down on a weighing machine you will break it. No woman would want to jump on a weighing machine because it would go down further and her weight would be further. Her feminine vanity wouldn’t let her jump. She’d step nimbly on to it. PJ: But once broken it’s silenced and can no longer tell her the truth! AM: Yes I jump up and down always on weighing machines because you think it’s going to give a bit less. I’m afraid I’m with Peter on this. He keeps the subject, he gets another point, there are 10 seconds for women in trousers.... PJ: I can think of no-one... AM: ...starting now. PJ: (very slowly) I can think of no-one... BUZZ PJ: ...I would rather be with... AM: Kenneth... KW: Deviation, he’s deliberately going slowly in order to win this round. AM: I think he was going about as slowly as you do. So he’s probably just realising that’s the way to carry on. He keeps the subject, he gets another point, there are seven seconds, women in trousers starting now. PJ: Anyway hot pants are still included... BUZZ AM: Nicholas? NP: Hot pants aren’t trousers. AM: No, they’re not, you’re quite right. You get a point, there are four seconds, women in trousers starting now. NP: Well women in trousers... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged. CF: Hesitation. KW: Yes I’m afraid that is quite definite. NP: Lord! The dog-like face has smiled too at his cheekiness! CF: Woof! AM: No, I think, I think they’re just ganging up over there. PJ: Yes! AM: I’m going to let you keep the subject Nicholas. NP: Thank you. AM: I’m going to give you a point... NP: I’ll remember this Andree if the place... AM: ...I’m going to coach you along, that’s right, there are three seconds, women in trousers starting now. NP: Some of them look charming as they walk along... WHISTLE AM: Ah Nicholas Parsons gets a point for speaking as the whistle went. And, my! I don’t believe it! He’s in the lead? IAN MESSITER: Yes. AM: Oh rubbish! He’s in the lead! Well that’s the end of all that! You watch it next round. NP: Oh prejudiced! AM: Clement is behind and Kenneth trailing as Nicholas used to say. It’s now Peter’s turn, the subject is gentlemen prefer blondes. Can you speak for just 60 seconds on gentlemen prefer blondes starting now. PJ: Well of course I don’t really believe it. In any case it’s a dreary old cliché which only serves to confirm the male attitude to women which is basically that they are things or objects, sexual or otherwise. And... BUZZ AM: Kenneth you challenged. KW: Disgusting! There’s no need! I’m not sitting here listening to a load of filth! Supposed to be family entertainment! Anything about sexuality on the air! I don’t want to sit here and listen to a load of filth! Deviation! AM: Yes! KW: Deviation! Deviation! CF: Otherwise, otherwise was definitely deviation! AM: Yes! No we can’t have words like sexual... KW: No certainly not. AM: No, no... CF: Sexual’s all right, it was otherwise. AM: Right, deviation. KW: Thank you! Thank you! AM: Kenneth gets the subject... KW: Yes! PJ: Well I’ve got my image... KW: Shut your row! Don’t talk about it! PJ: I don’t see why I should be... AM: Shut up the lot of you! PJ: ...hammered... NP: I haven’t said a word! AM: There are 41 seconds for Kenneth Williams to tell us why gentlemen prefer blondes starting now. KW: Gentlemen prefer blondes, because there was this show you see of that name. There was this girl come on and sang this number. Really lovely and it swept London! Everyone was going round believing this title was more than just the name of a show. But it was... BUZZ AM: Everyone buzzed and Clement did it first. CF: Repetition of show. AM: Yes there were two shows I’m afraid. Clement you get a point, you get the subject, gentlemen prefer blondes, 26 seconds starting now. CF: This was originally a book written by a lady called Anita Loos, spelt L-two Os-S. Many people... BUZZ AM: Peter you challenged. PJ: Repetition of O. AM: No, he said two Os. PJ: Well he spelt it out. Spelt it out. Well, it’s two Os. I mean... AM: No, no, no, no, no... PJ: The O was repeated. AM: I think he said two Os, that’s not saying O O. He keeps the subject, he gets a point, it’s gentlemen prefer blondes for 19 seconds starting now. CF: The volume was a best seller and was later made into a play and then a musical. And it purported to show that the majority of the male sex... BUZZ NP: Peter you challenged. PJ: Repetition of show. Purported to show, it purported to show. He said if it was a show, early on, he said. AM: Yes he said show in the earlier point... CF: No, not I. He! AM: He said it before so it still counts doesn’t it. IM: Oh yes. AM: Yes he said it the time before, before the challenge so I suppose you’re right, it’s repetition. PJ: What do you mean suppose I’m right! AM: Peter you get the subject, gentlemen prefer blondes, there’s what? Oh! Ten seconds starting now. PJ: You never hear this about men. You never see advertisements "I am looking for an attractive garage mechanic" whereas you do see the same thing... WHISTLE AM: Oh now! Oh my goodness! Peter, Nicholas and Clement are all equal and Kenneth is equally behind. So we go into the next round, Nicholas it’s your subject. NP: Oh good. AM: Can you speak for 60 seconds on the subject, parsons. Starting now. NP: Parsons is of course my family name. I was given it because my father married my mother and from that wedlock I arrived. It is of course clergymen as well... BUZZ AM: Clement you challenged. CF: Deviation. You don’t arrive from wedlock! NP: How do you know how I arrived? CF: We’re pretty ingenuous on this programme! But it isn’t wedlock that causes children to arrive! AM: Actually I think Clement is pedantically correct I’m afraid and he gets the subject and a point. There are 50 seconds for parsons starting now. CF: Parsons are generically clergymen of any church but specifically that of England. And they walk the paths and roads and rolling lanes spreading goodwill and baptising people that get in their way... BUZZ AM: Nicholas you challenged. NP: No you don’t baptise people who get in your way. You wait till they bring you to church and ask the clergyman to baptise your child. And if he was pedantic before, I’m going to be just as pedantic now. AM: Yes you be pedantic, you be pedantic. And you get the subject and you get a point and there’s 33 seconds for parsons starting now. NP: A lot of people think that if you have the name Parsons, it must mean that all your ancestors were clergymen way back. And if you say to me how is this knowledge mine, I will say Parsons Nose! But of course it is also as we know... BUZZ AM: Peter. PJ: Repetition of also. AM: Oh no you’re not allowed also. NP: Rotten challenge! PJ: What do you mean I’m not allowed also. AM: Well it’s too, it’s too little isn’t it. PJ: Is it? AM: Yes. Right. Nicholas there are, you get a point and there’s 15 seconds... PJ: Two syllables! AM: ...for parsons starting now. NP: Of course the other thing is I don’t know what... BUZZ AM: Clement Freud. CF: That’s the fourth of course. AM: Yes I agree. I accept Clement’s challenge, he gets a point, it was the fourth or fourth of course. And of course he gets the subject which is parsons with nine seconds starting now. CF: When you get a flock of these ecclesiastical gentlemen, massing around the font it is probably time to warm the water... WHISTLE AM: Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went. So he gets an extra point and at the moment he’s in a fairly decisive lead with Nicholas just behind, Peter just behind him and Kenneth trailing. It is now Kenneth’s turn. Can you speak for Just A Minute on Doctor Spooner starting now. KW: Well of course he was a member of the faculty of Oxford University. And did become famous for a mispronunciation of certain words and expressions. One of the most famous was of course the Kinquering Kongs instead of the Conquering Kings. And on another occasion he was supposed to have said to an under-graduate you have tasted two worms when he meant he wasted two terms. And he said you can take the town drain to Oxford, you see, when he meant the down train, you see. It was things like that which made him very famous. He’s gone into legend of course. And one of the loveliest stories... BUZZ AM: Nicholas you... KW: Oh shut up! No-one take any notice of him! It was one of the loveliest stories that this gentleman... AM: Kenneth you just hold your stream... NP: I did actually count four of courses. AM: I’m afraid that Nicholas gets the subject, he gets a point, he gets the subject... do you not want it? He’ll give it you back in a minute! Doctor Spooner with 21 seconds starting now. NP: The Doctor Spooner I knew was a most engaging character. And he got this name because one day he took some celebrated people out to a huge restaurant and there, at this table, this huge dowager lady carrying all before her... BUZZ AM: Clement you challenged. NP: .She had a low-cut dress... CF: Repetition of huge. AM: Yes there were two huges... NP: It’s a super story! AM: You get the subject, Doctor Spooner, with 10 seconds starting now. CF: I had a general practitioner whose name really was Doctor Spooner. And his speciality was pediatrics. He treated children the way other people treat mice... WHISTLE AM: Once more Clement Freud was talking when the whistle went so he gets an extra point and he and Nicholas are now neck and neck with Peter just behind and Kenneth a little behind him. Clement Freud it’s now your turn. Can you speak for 60 seconds on how I feel about it all starting now. CF: I usually begin by taking off the shirt. Then the trousers and underpants. Thereafter, warming my hands, I feel about to see what sort of things I might come into contact with. Here a muscle, there a gland... BUZZ AM: You Nick, Nicholas, you challenged. NP: Hesitation. AM: I was absolutely riveted! KW: So was I! NP: I know you were! I could see it on your face! But it was a def... wasn’t it a hesitation, audience? CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE AM: No I really don’t... NP: Put it to them! AM: No, no... NP: You weren’t listening! You’ve admitted it! KW: No, no! AM: I was listening! No, I was listening and I was riveted! KW: Yes! AM: And I would have been unrivetted by a hesitation. KW: Yes! AM: So Clement I think keeps the subject and gets a point and has 39 seconds for how I feel about it all starting now. CF: There’s another way you can construe this subject. Which is on a sort of, ah, what you might call... BUZZ AM: Nicholas. NP: Hesitation. AM : Yes. NP: Errrrr! AM: Yes. There was an er so you do get the subject that time. Thirty-two seconds on how I feel about it all starting now. NP: How I feel about it all is with my hands. This is a very attractive game. First of all you are blindfolded. And then an object is pushed towards you which you grip. And the one occasion on which I had it, it was of course a wet sponge. And all the water seeped out on to the carpet. It ran in rivulets across the floor. And the children came down to run their... BUZZ AM: And Clement challenged. CF: Deviation. AM: Why? CF: You can’t have rivulets in a carpet! NP: You haven’t seen our carpet! CF: Not rivulets! AM: You can’t actually... NP: Little rivulets of water? CF: No! AM: No you have sort of awful mushy muggy sploshy puddles. NP: Not if you live on a slope! CF: You have a cascade, you don’t have rivulets. AM: No, I... NP: No but if you’ve got a sponge... AM: I’m afraid I agree, you can’t have a rivulet on a carpet. And Clement Freud gets a point. Isn’t it lovely! NP: Women in trousers! AM: Clement you have the subject, you have a point, how I feel about it all, 14 seconds starting now. CF: Many people think that all is politics. And how I feel about it all is the Liberal Party is really due for a sensational fantastic and heart-warming revival... WHISTLE BUZZ AM: And Nicholas challenged but Ian Messiter said it was a second too late. And Clement gets a point for speaking when the whistle went and he has leapt into a decisive lead with Nicholas still not all that far behind, Peter behind him and Kenneth, where are you? KW: Oh don’t keep rubbing it in! AM: Tripoli! NP: Honestly, rivulets of... KW: It’s the subjects, I can’t think of anything to say about them! What’s the next one? AM: Now dear, Peter, it’s Peter’s subject. KW: Oh it would be him! AM: Now get in quickly come along, tea with Aunty. Sixty seconds starting now. PJ: Well practically all my elderly aunts have passed on and gone somewhere else. But ah they didn’t seem... BUZZ AM: Kenneth challenged. KW: Hesitation, yes. AM: Oh yes of course. PJ: Well it was just a respectful pause. KW: You said er. AM: Kenneth challenged, he gets a ... PJ: I should really have given two minutes silence! AM: ...point, he gets the subject, he’s got 51 seconds to keep going, tea with Aunty starting now. KW: Well I went to tea with Aunty. And she was lying there in the bed and she said "I can’t get up", she said "because I’ve got my locked hip cup on again." I said "oh I am sorry to hear that". So she said she wanted to have these cakes, and they were very nice. They were those hot toasted tea cakes and we put them on this Primer Stove because that’s all the heating she had! Poor thing! I said to her "I wonder how you manage". She said "well with these blankets, you see..." BUZZ AM: Nicholas challenged again. NP: It’s now eight I saids and she saids. AM: No I want to know what’s going to happen. PJ: He hasn’t said of course at all! AM: No I want to know what he’s on about. Kenneth you keep going and gets another point, you’ve got 25 seconds and you start now. KW: So I had one of these and the butter ran down aaaaaaaaaall my mouth. I felt awful! I said "have you got anything I could wipe it on?" And she said "use the blanket". Well, I did... BUZZ AM: Peter challenged. PJ: Repetition of blanket. KW: Oh! PJ: He mentioned... KW: You’re a wet blanket, you are! You really are! PJ: He mentioned blanket. AM: Yes I think, I’m afraid you did. NP: There were 10 saids as well. AM: Yes! NP: I counted them. AM: Right. So Peter gets a point, he gets the subject, tea with Aunty... IM: Fifteen. AM: Fifteen seconds starting now. PJ: Think of Aunty as being the BBC because that is the lovable euphemism... BUZZ AM: Kenneth you challenged. KW: Deviation, aunty’s not the BBC! You don’t have tea with the BBC! What a load of rubbish! How can you sit down and have tea with the BBC? PJ: I seem to have touched a very sensitive nerve! What’s the matter with him? NP: I agree with you Peter. Someone here said to me "come and have tea with Aunty". PJ: Exactly. KW: But I should get the subject back. AM: Yes I think he does, he gets it back... KW: Thank you! I get a point! AM: I want to know what happens... KW: I get a point too! That puts me in the lead! PJ: The BBC is often referred to as Aunty, proverbially. NP: Proverbally, Aunty is the BBC. AM : Sorry... KW: Do I get a point? Do I get a point there? AM : Yes he gets a point... KW: Good! Yes! AM: He gets the subject, tea with Aunty... KW: How many subjects? AM: He’s only got about 10 seconds to go and he’s starting now. KW: Yes well she was called Cally... BUZZ KW: Oh it’s a disgrace! AM: Nicholas challenged. NP: Said again, that’s 11 saids now. AM: I am not going to award a point against him for saying said. He can say it as many times as he likes because I think it’s one of those little words like does. Oh he keeps the subject, he gets another point, he’s got nine seconds, tea with Aunty starting now. KW: And then she said "what about some of these nice pancakes?" you see. And there was honey dripping all over them. And I said "I will get that, I’ll be quite obese..." BUZZ AM: Nicholas. NP: Now this one is a legitimate one. The butter dripped before and now the honey is dripping. AM: It did, he’s quite right. NP: Yes, yes. I have to... AM: He gets a point, he gets the subject, tea with Aunty, you’ve got half a second starting now. NP: Aunty’s a lovely woman... WHISTLE AM: Clement is still in the lead, Nicholas is one point behind him, Peter... Kenneth in third place and Peter’s just a tiny bit behind. And that was the last subject, what’s the matter? That was the last subject and... oh no, I’ve done all that! Right, unfortunately this is the last of the present series. So it’s goodbye from me, Andree Melly. Clement Freud? CF: Goodbye from me, Clement Freud. AM: Kenneth Williams? KW: Bye! AM: Peter Jones? PJ: Bye-bye from me, yes, bye-bye. AM: And Nicholas Parsons. NP: Thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen. As the ex-chairman of this programme who hopes to return and we hope the programme will return and we hope that you’ll be listening when it does return. And we do hope that you’ve enjoyed this particular edition, the last in this present series, of Just A Minute. Till we all meet again, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: You’ve been listening to Just A Minute. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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