JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,AMacdonald,UStubbs
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, AIMI MACDONALD and UNA STUBBS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 February 1968)

NOTE: Aimi Macdonald's first appearance, Una Stubbs's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Aimi Macdonald and Una Stubbs in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is the man of the minute, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and hello. Welcome once again to Just A Minute and also this delightful and erudite looking panel. We have two most attractive people, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo, who have been on the programme since it started. And on the distaff side far outchiming them in personal looks, Aimi Macdonald who looks lovely, and Una Stubbs who is also lovely. And they are going to compete with Derek and Clement Freud against each other of course in Just A Minute in which I will pull, as probably many of you know now, a subject out for them at different times and ask them to speak for Just A Minute without deviating, without pausing or without going off the subject. Let us start off this week with Derek Nimmo. And I would like Derek to talk if he can about my honeymoon starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My honeymoon, um, took place in the south of France. We started off actually, I was married in Liverpool and then we came down and stayed at the Dorchester Hotel overnight. Then we got a train, a very slow train. And as soon as we arrived in the south of France, my wife was hit by a severe bout of asthma. And I had to summon the local doctor. This went on for two or three days and three or four nights. And then it became quite dreary actually. She recovered after that so she met an old lady on the beach with a ho...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald, why have you challenged?

AIMI MACDONALD: I think I was a bit late actually but he was talking about his honeymoon being dreary. I donít see how a honeymoon can be dreary.

NP: You donít know Derek Nimmo obviously! It was a very good try. Iím sure no honeymoon of yours could ever be dreary Aimi. But Derek um seems to be conveying this point. I hope it gets more chirpy as it goes on Derek! Youíve still got the subject starting now.

DN: Well towards the end of the honeymoon I received a telegram from one Arthur Lane, saying come back to London to appear in a play. When I got back to London, I found that this play had been cancelled. So my honeymoon was fairly disastrous because I couldnít go back to the south of France. Iím really at the end of my honeymoon and if anyone wants to challenge me they should...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged again.

AM: Deviation.

DN: Yes.

AM: Yes.

NP: Quite, going back and forth wasnít he?

AM: Youíd gone right off your honeymoon, didnít you?

DN: Iíd gone back home!

NP: Aimi would you like to take up the subject, there are 10 seconds, no there are nine seconds left starting now.

AM: My honeymoon wasnít very exciting at all really. Because we didnít really have time to have a proper honeymoon. So we went to our mother-in-lawís who lived in Ohio..

BUZZ

NP: Derek you just got in challenging before the hooter.

DN: Well she said she didnít have a proper honeymoon. So she wasnít talking about her honeymoon, she was talking about her mother-in-law who she obviously didnít like anyway!

NP: I... Why I disagree, it was still my honeymoon. I donít know anything about Aimiís...

DN: Well I was present on her honeymoon...

NP: Derek I donít know anything about Aimiís actual honeymoon but I must only take her word that what she said was accurate about it. Thereís one second left Aimi to talk about my honeymoon starting now.

BUZZ

HOOTER

NP: And Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation. She hadnít said anything!

AM: Oh objection!

NP: Why do you object? Iíll give you another go. You have to talk about my honeymoon starting now.

AM: When youíve got to...

BUZZ

HOOTER

NP: I think weíll give it to the lady because thatís the first time she is a guest Derek. You did manage to press your buzzer very quickly. But Aimi is now in the lead and Aimi youíre going to start the next subject. Weíd like you to talk please for Just A Minute if you can please about my bedroom starting now.

AM: My bedroom is very pink. And it has a bed in it, and it has two little side tables and a great wardrobe which is attached, and thereís a divan and a telephone. I like to go into my bedroom when i want to go to sleep and when I want to think. I think in my bedroom because I think itís very relaxing and I talk in my bedroom an awful lot because itís very very...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Iím worried about her husband actually!

AM: Oh!

DN: Now after this honeymoon sheís been on...

AM: Oh!

NP: You never know Derek, if you were patient he might even have come into her bedroom.

DN: She was talking about herself!

NP: She was still quite definitely on about her bedroom. And Aimi, still with you, my bedroom starting now.

AM: My bedroom is lovely to sleep in. So I go there when I want...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of sleep.

NP: Yes she did say lovely to sleep in before. Iím sorry Aimi. Clement Freud, my bedroom starting now.

CF: My bedroom is lovely to sleep in! It has walls and a ceiling, a counterpane. It also contains a bed and a wardrobe in which I hang my clothes. The room overlooks St Johnís Wood, mostly because I live in St Johnís Wood. Looking out my bedroom window I see streets and in the evenings I see...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation, heís talking about streets outside his bedroom, heís left the bedroom and climbed through the window to St Johnís Wood!

NP: All right, Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt. My bedroom starting now.

DN: My bedroomís absolutely delicious. I have on my bed 40 jackal skins that I got in Addis Adaba...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Thatís kinky! Or deviation as you put it!

NP: Have you really got 40 jackal skins?

DN: I really have, yes.

NP: Then I think itís justified.

DN: It might seem peculiar but I can absolutely prove it.

NP: Well we can only take Derek Nimmoís word for it and Iím afraid we havenít got time to send someone round to establish it. So Derek Nimmo, my bedroom and there are still 15 seconds left starting now.

DN: Behind my bed I have a zebra skin which I can lean back on, together with my wife, because we spend a lot of time in bed together. Also in the room, my bedroom, I have a television set. Itís poised so that I can view it from amongst my jackals...

HOOTER

NP: Clement Freud would you like to take up the game now and talk about racing for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Racing usually means horse racing. And in the horse racing annual calendar there are five classic races. These are for three year horses, both fillies and colts. The first one is the Thousand Guineas, the second the 2000 guineas, followed by the Derby and the Oaks which are run at Epsom. And towards the end of the year the Filetter which is run at Doncaster. Racing is a pastime to which many rich people subscribe. And an awful lot of poor people own race horses and go bankrupt trying to make ends meet. Racecourses in England start in Newton Abbot in Devon. You then have the Devon and Exeter courses, go up to Winghampton race course...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Heís talking about the courses now and not the actual racing. Deviation.

NP: Oh dear! Itís certainly difficult because racing takes place on race courses. Iím going to appeal to our audience as Iíve done before and ask them to judge about this tricky point. Do you think that Derek Nimmoís challenge of deviation is justified. If you do will you clap, and if not will you boo.

APPLAUSE AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think theyíre with Clement Freud so Clement you have 14 seconds left for racing starting now.

CF: Thereís also dog park racing and racing on private, by people, against...

BUZZ

DN: Hesitation.

UNA STUBBS: Definite hesitation.

NP: Yes all right. Una would you like to take over the topic of racing starting now.

US: Theyíre all sorts of ways of racing. You can race against time, you can race for the bus, you can erase a mark on a piece of paper...

HOOTER

NP: As the hooter went while Una was speaking she gained a point. And the score, by the way, at this particular point is Derek Nimmo and Aimi Macdonald are both equal in the lead, closely followed by Clement Freud closely followed one point behind by Una Stubbs. And Una it is you to start and weíd like you to talk if you can on the subject of the oldest joke in the world starting now.

US: The oldest joke in the world is: "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?" "That was no lady, that was my wife!"

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Well I donít think it is the oldest joke in the world! There are many older ones than that.

NP: I think you can only justify that by telling us an older one.

DN: Ah... why did Father Time cross the road? To get to the other side!

AUDIENCE GROANS

DN: Well that makes them groan so it must be old!

NP: Nobody groaned and nobody challenged! I will tell you the oldest joke in the world...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Aimi Macdonald you challenged?

AM: I donít think itís the oldest joke in the world, and Iím not very good at jokes. But there is an older joke really. Do you want me to tell it?

NP: Carry on as rapidly as you can talking about the oldest joke in the world starting now.

AM: Well there was this little cat, you see. No there were three little cats, sorry. And they all had collections, one collected beetles, one collected beer and one collected cha-cha-cha records. And one day they all went out for a walk. And when they came back, all their collections were gone. And so they all turned round to each other and they said "oh where are our collections gone?" So suddenly they looked around and there was a little man in the corner going (squeak) (burp) cha-cha-cha!

NP: Youíd better continue talking before someone challenges you!

BUZZ

DN: I want to say I know another older joke than that one.

NP: What are you challenging for?

DN: Itís not the oldest joke. Deviation!

NP: No it wasnít, it was hesitation!

DN: Well hesitation then, I donít mind!

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you are right, youíve got it, the oldest joke in the world starting now.

CF: How long have I got?

NP: Youíve got 13 seconds, itíll have to be a very quick one.

CF: I think the oldest joke in the world is sitting not very far from me and is called Derek Nimmo. Few people laugh at Derek Nimmo which is because he is such a very old joke....

WHISTLE

NP: Aimi Macdonald we are back with you, and we want you to tell us if you can in Just A Minute about your schooldays starting now.

AM: Well I donít think my schooldays were the happiest days of my life because I was always in trouble. And there was a nasty little boy who used to sit behind me and do terrible things to me. I used to have very long hair and he did the usual things like sticking it in the ink well. And I wasnít very clever. And when I first went to school, we used to get the belt. And I always got the belt because I wasnít very clever and I used to talk a lot! And this belt was long and had three holes at the end. And we used to have to stick our hands out and we got it right on the end of our fingers which wasnít very lovely. And also in school we had to eat. The school dinners werenít very lovely at all. The potatoes were a bit green and the mince was always a bit runny. And I donít like mince anyway! And also to get to school, you see, I had to go on a bicycle. It wasnít very far from where I lived and I couldnít ride this bike so very well and everybody at this school used to laugh at me. So...

HOOTER

NP: I think she... I think you just got in before... Thatís absolutely, only the second time that this has happened, that somebody has spoken for Just A Minute without being challenged. And I think an extra round of applause would be justified for Aimi Macdonald. Well done Aimi. Clement Freud would you like to talk for Just A Minute on cutting books starting now.

CF: Cutting books are large scrapbooks into which one sticks oneís newspaper cuttings. Iíve been keeping cutting books for many years on all sorts of subjects like the lovely Aimi Macdonald, keeping pigs, my bedroom, and a number of other fascinating topics. Each cutting book has a different colour and has entered on the outside the dates apertaining to the cuttings which are stuck inside it. There are a number of ways of sticking things into cutting books. Among this flour and hot water is probably the cheapest and specially treated paper of a kind that one is not supposed to talk about possibly the most expensive. The great danger about cutting books is that when you put in the pieces of paper which you want to refer to later on, they tend to stick to each other. So when youíve finished with a cutting book the whole book is stuck together and you canít open it. Again this is very useful because by and large you donít want to open these things again because itís boring...

HOOTER

NP: Well we are being brilliant today. Itís closely followed by Aimi Macdonald is Clement Freud speaking for the first time for Just A Minute without being challenged, without deviating, without pausing and without hesitating. Another extra round of applause and a bonus point for Clement Freud. And the next...

CF: I think you ought to explain that Derek Nimmo has fallen asleep!

NP: Una would you like to talk for Just A Minute on the delightful subject of making a cheesecake starting now.

US: This cheesecake can be made with maybe half pounds of pert cheese, a couple of glass of sugar, a spoonful of cornflower, three eggs and... three ounces of butter...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Cheating! She knows how to make cheesecake!

NP: Is that why youíre challenging?

AM: Yes.

NP: It doesnít fit into the game, Iím very sorry Aimi. So youíve given Una an extra point. Una carry on with your cheesecake starting now.

US: Seven or eight digestive biscuits on a push-up bottomed cake tin. Now cream... now cream...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation, she said cream and cream. Or repetition if you like.

NP: She certainly hesitated. Derek Nimmo how about your cheesecake, can you talk for 45, no 42 seconds left on making a cheesecake starting now.

DN: Well I should hire a little studio in Soho. And advertise for a young lady to come along and be photographed. This will be my cheesecake photograph! And I shall print and make my cheesecake immediately after I have photographed her. I would ask all the public to er...

BUZZ

DN: Hurry up! Have a stab at it!

NP: Why are you challenging?

AM: Iím buzzing because I think itís getting very cheaty!

NP: Are you going to challenge for cheat or something else?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Oh no he didnít hesitate at all. Derek you still are making a cheesecake in your studio and you have 22 seconds left for this cheesecake continuing now.

DN: Um I should photograph my cheesecake on 40 jackal skins which I could spread across a bed which i would specially bring from my home address. There she would lie. And then having photographed my cheesecake then I would sell this delightful photograph to magazines...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Illegal!

NP: Whether itís illegal or not is there any other justifiable reason within the rules of the game for which you challenged?

CF: This is a deviation from the law! Illegal!

NP: Ian Messiter who thought of the game, what do you consider on this occasion Ian?

IAN MESSITER: I think Clement is right, itís a deviation from the law.

NP: You have four seconds in which to make a cheesecake Clement Freud. How would you do it, starting now.

CF: You start with butter and margarine from which you take five or six ounces and then cream them in a bowl...

HOOTER

NP: Well as the buzzer went, Clement Freud was speaking. He gains an extra point and Derek Nimmo it is your turn. We would like you to speak for Just A Minute please on the subject of gatecrashing without ever using the word I. Please start now.

DN: The most expert person who has known to me as a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

DN: ...gatecrasher...

NP: All right, yes, he hesitated.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Derek, Clement Freud, without using the word I would you take on gatecrashing starting now.

CF: Whenever we want to gatecrash a party, we usually go to parties in the area. We knock on the door and wait for someone to let us in. We only ever gatecrash parties to which we have not been asked because otherwise it wouldnít be fair. We come dressed in our best party clothes and we say "thank you very much for inviting us, it was most kind of you" to make the host think that he has in fact invited us, which he hasnít. A good way to go gatecrashing into a party is to bring another glass with you. And then people think "aha, he has been in before and he is coming back. Let us let him in." Another very excellent way of gatecrashing which we have found to be most beneficial and reaping rewards second almost to none, is to go with a whisky bottle into which you stick a candle. You light the candle and nobody thinks that there is whisky in the whisky bottle. So people say "what a clever man to do all this without..."

HOOTER

NP: What a clever chap as well. Once again he wasnít challenged and did so well. And very cleverly bent the rules to his own advantage. Una would you like to talk now without using the word no, and without using the word and the subject is what to sell at a jumble sale. I will give you a second to think about it, the subject is what to sell at a jumble sale, you mustnít say no and you mustnít say and, and you start now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. No noes and no ands, what to sell at a jumble sale starting now.

DN: Sausages, tomatoes, old socks, old boots, cabbages and kings, newspapers...

BUZZ

US: And!

NP: Una?

US: That was and.

NP: Yes right, so well spotted Una, you still have quite a lot of time, what to sell at a jumble sale starting now.

US: To sell at a jumble sale you would advertise in the local paper for any leftover clothes for a very tall girl. You would go and collect these clothes in horse and cart...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Horse and cart.

NP: Well done. Clement Freud still has 47 seconds, no noes, no ands, what to sell at a jumble sale, starting now.

CF: Jumble sales are very good institutions. Invariably set up by the parson or other cleric of whatever parish the jumble sale happens to find itself in. The sort of things you are likely to find on the shelves or stalls to which you might go are items of clothing, articles of footwear. Perhaps all sorts of outer garments which could be taken off, put on to shelves, sold to the general public who are invariably... happy...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Oh yes, well, you could almost feel him thinking, couldnít you, audience.

DN: Heís really gone wrong...

NP: I think on this particular occasion I will allow a little leeway for thought because of having to think about the noes and the ands and I will give the benefit of the doubt to Clay. Clement Freud would you continue with the subject, what is the time? There are only two seconds to go actually and you um, no noes, no ands, and two seconds, what to sell at a jumble sale starting now.

CF: Whatís good is an old vase...

WHISTLE

NP: Now I thought that was a noble effort Clement, very very difficult. All right um Derek Nimmo would you like to talk about this, oh no, this audience. That is the subject, weíll give another penalty because I think thatís rather interesting. And this time not to use the word the. Even more difficult! You mustnít use the word the. The subject is this audience and you start now.

DN: When this audience came and sat in ye seats in ye auditorium they appeared to be most comfortable. When I looked around me and I saw these smiling faces on ye... heads....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh ye speaks truly! Clement Freud this audience, none of the word the, and start now.

CF: This audience is particularly attractive. I feel many among them whose smiling faces, and happy dispositions were of such suphural and beautiful simplicity that I said unto myself what a charming audience the British Broadcasting Corporation have gathered together. And nobody has noticed that I used the definite pronoun...

BUZZ

AM: I did!

NP: Aimi Macdonald. Did you notice or did you press because Clement said...

AM: Yes the British Broadcasting...

NP: Yes, oh thatís all right, you did notice, we spotted it here but we didnít want to say. Aimi, right, the subject is this audience, a point for you and no thes and start, oh youíve got a bit of time because you have 17 seconds left starting now.

AM: This audience is made up of several ladies and several gentlemen. A lot of the ladies are wearing hats and theyíve got a lot of smiles on their faces...

BUZZ

NP: Derek...

DN: Repetition, I also talked about smiling faces. Thereís an awful lot of flattery flying around.

NP: Yes repetition, you referred to their smiling faces...

DN: And Clay did too!

NP: Oh well youíve won on deviation a point and you have eight seconds, this audience, no thes, starting now.

DN: Now... one of the audience...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Right, you still have five seconds starting now.

CF: Among this audience particularly I would like to name the gentleman who brang...

HOOTER

NP: The score at this particular point is Clement Freud 18, has taken a commanding lead. He is followed by Derek Nimmo and Aimi Macdonald equal with 10, a little way behind is Una Stubbs. Now Aimi Macdonald let us go faster this time around without any penalties and ask you to talk on the subject of holidays starting now.

AM: I like holidays because it gives you plenty of time to relax and have a good time. The best thing about holidays I think is sunshine and I always like to go where thereís lots of sunshine and I sit on a beach and lie in the sunshine and get very brown. I often like to eat on holiday, so I prefer to go abroad where the food is different and interesting. And I also like to swim and do things that appeal to me...

BUZZ

NP: Una Stubbs.

US: Quite a lot of hesitation.

NP: Quite a lot of hesitation. Una would you take over holidays starting now.

US: Um ah um my...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: I think hesitation.

NP: Holidays, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Bound for Sussex I go, on my tricycle, riding down, my rucksack on my back and my Union Jack in my right hand. And I sing to myself...

BUZZ

NP: Una challenged.

DN: What?

NP: Una you challenged.

US: Well itís sort of repetitious of whatís gone on before.

NP: Yes we had his rucksack and his Union Jack many times! If not in this show weíve had it in other shows! So all right, youíve got it back Una, youíve got it back and you have 15 seconds for holidays starting now.

US: Holidays for me are just sleeping in bed and sleeping for several... weeks...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition, weíre back in my bedroom again!

US: I didnít have a go in the bedroom last time!

NP: You never go in the bedroom! And then you justify it because everyone else had a go in the bedroom and you hadnít...

US: He was talking about his zoo or something!

NP: A very strange way of sleeping in bed. But anyway, all right, Una, weíll leave it to you, you have 12 seconds to go, holidays starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Holidays starting now.

CF: The nicest sort of holiday is when Derek Nimmo takes a rucksack bedecked with a Union Jack and goes to Calais...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: I quite agree with him! But anyway itís bound to be repetitious because I had it disallowed. Iím within my rights to pull on my pack and see if I can have the subject!

NP: All right, why does everyone think... youíre always trying to browbeat the chairman and justify your point before youíve even had a chance to get it fully adjudicated? All right, we have three seconds left, Derek Nimmo, holidays starting now.

DN: Wallowing in the Cyprus sunshine I lie with my Tricolor...

WHISTLE

NP: Now Iíve just time to tell you that victory in this programme went to Clement Freud, closely followed by Derek Nimmo and equal third Una Stubbs and Aimi Macdonald. And this is Nicholas Parsons saying goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.