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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, LUCY BARTLETT and ANONA WINN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 9 February 1968)
NOTE: Lucy Bartlett's first appearance, Anona Winn's only appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Anona Winn and Lucy Bartlett in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute where I give each member of these four contestants in turn an unlikely subject and ask them to speak for Just A Minute without deviating, without pausing and without hesitating. And with those thoughts in mind let us ask Anona Winn to start and try and speak for a minute on the subject of bloomer starting now. ANONA WINN: Bloomer is a word that can be applied of course to a flower. People put on the packet when you buy the seed "this is a free bloomer". A bloomer is also a think that you can make when you drop a clanger. You can also make a pair of bloomers. These are worn by ladies. I dare say gentlemen have worn them at times when short of other things. Bloomers are supposed... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: She hesitated after her last bloomer! AW: I swallowed! I purely swallowed! NP: I think some people do hesitate after their last bloomer! I don’t think the hesitation was justified Derek, we’re still with you Anona Winn. You have 30 seconds left, keep on talking about bloomer starting now. AW: Bloomers, as I have said... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition, we’ve had five pairs of bloomers! NP: Yes in actual fact the er... no it wasn’t repetition. If he’d challenged her for deviation because the subject is bloomer and not bloomers... DN: Well whether I’m talking about Lord Montfort, she still said bloomers didn’t she. NP: No still with Anona Winn, 28 seconds Anona, bloomer, starting now. AW: This thing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation. NP: And she’s just joined us and I don’t think it’s justified. Anona 26 seconds, bloomer, starting now. AN: This thing that I have been asked... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Excessive noise! NP: A very good try but all he does is to give Anona another point. She’s already got four points and she’s only come with us for the first time today. And you have 18 seconds left for your bloomer starting now. AW: On this subject I would say... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Favouritism! NP: Anona Winn now has five points and the subject is still bloomer starting now. AW: As I was saying about a bloomer which made... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: As I was saying must be repetition because she already said it. NP: Oh dear, what... I’ll tell you waht I’ll do. We have a delightful and happy looking audience here. I will ask them to be the judge of this. Do you think that Derek Nimmo’s challenge was justified. Now if you agree will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo. Ready? Now! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I think the cheers just got it. Anona you’ve got another point, you’ve got bloomer and you have er 18 seconds to go starting now. AW: People think that bloomers in the plural were invented by a Mrs Bloomer. They could not be more wrong... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Must be repetition now, we’ve had 25 pairs of bloomers now! NP: No, no, I don’t think we’ve had enough bloomers for repetition yet. So er Anona Winn you’ve still got it with bloomer starting now. AW: They were invented by a Mrs Bloomer and that is not repetition... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged. Why? DN: Well she invented them, just before. NP: She did, I agree, it was repetition this time. I quite agree. Derek Nimmo you have it, you have nine seconds left, for a, for bloomer, starting now. DN: I once wore a pair of bloomers. I was about to go on stage in Johannesburg and I discovered that my own pants were... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Boasting! NP: Boasting? There might have been a slight touch of deviation, it was very suggestive but certainly no boasting. Two seconds left for you Derek, can you make a bloomer in two seconds starting now. DN: Oh golly gosh! HOOTER NP: That silly little bicycle hooter was Ian Messiter who actually blew it, well, he didn’t blow it, he squeezed it and made a noise which denoted that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking when 60 seconds are up of course gains an extra point. And Derek Nimmo, I’m going to ask you to carry on talking this time for Just A Minute. And the subject is things I throw away starting now. DN: I often throw the most unlikely things away. I once threw a bowler hat out of the window because I didn’t care for it awfully. And it landed in my garden and the next time I saw it, it had moths all over it. I also attempted to throw away lines off my cuff. This is ah, a technique er... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. DN: ...of rather bad actors... CF: Hesitation. NP: I think so yes. In spite of Derek’s claims sometimes that he has an impediment, that was a definite hesitation. Clement Freud, things I throw away, starting now. CF: I mostly plan to throw away cricket bats but I have on occasion thrown away stumps, pads, and the whole wicket. On one specific occasion in late October in nineteen hundred and fifty-three, it was my turn to throw away the Christmas pudding. The Christmas pudding had been made the previous January, late for Christmas. And my wife opened the window and said "it is your turn to throw out this object" which she passed me which was flared with brandy. And so I gripped it in both hands and I threw it and followed it with two mince pies, half a pint of cream, some castor sugar... HOOTER NP: What a valid reason for someone who talks on cooking normally. Anyway Clement Freud you managed to get an extra point on that. And we’re going to start the next round with er Lucy Bartlett. Now here’s a delightful subject for you Lucy. Would you try and talk for Just A Minute on getting ready to go to bed starting now. LUCY BARTLETT: Well getting ready to go to bed is a thing that I hate more than anything else in the world because it takes me about two hours. To see all the things to do before you go to bed makes the mind boggle. First of all you have to do the washing up, and drying up, and put everything away. You then lock up. You then make sure that the cat’s in or if it’s out you have to lock the door. Then leave the kitchen, locking the door behind you... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: What? CF: Two doors locked. NP: Well there might be two doors locked. If you said because she was locking the same door twice I would have said yes... CF: But it is repetition. NP: That is repetition. If you said... CF: That is what I said, repetition. NP: Yes I know what you said. But you said two doors... CF: Yes is the word you are searching for! NP: No it isn’t! I assumed from what you said that there is more than one door to her cottage or wherever she lived and I think that she is quite justified. So I’m assuming you are locking more than one door. LB: Oh millions of doors! NP: Of course! LB: There’s a lot to lock out. NP: Lucy you still have the subject, 20, 33 seconds left for getting ready to go to bed starting now. LB: I climb stairs very very carefully... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation, that’s going to bed! LB: That’s before I go to bed, I have to climb the stairs. NP: Yes but she’s getting ready to go to bed so she has to go up stairs to get even further ready. You must have a very strange way of going to bed Clement! My goodness me, we must hear about that one of these days. Anyway 27 seconds still, getting ready to go to bed, Lucy carry on now. LB: When I reach the top of the stairs, I turn a sharp right and go up another three stairs... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn why have you challenged? AW: I don’t believe in all these stairs. She may have a lot of doors but I don’t think she’s got all these stairs. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, you can’t challenge when someone’s already challenged. DN: Well I do believe her because I’ve been there! BUZZ AW: Scandal! NP: Well all that’s happened is that Lucy Bartlett’s got two points because two people challenged at the same time! Lucy er 20 seconds for er, we’re getting very interested in how you get to bed! Honestly it’s going to be written up everywhere. So carry on would you for 20 seconds, getting ready to go to bed starting now. LB: I reach my door which is on the left. I fumble in my under garment to find the key. I shut the door quietly behind me and turn on the radio and sit down at my desk... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Sounds like repetition of doors. It was beds we were after! She hasn’t got anywhere near the bed yet! NP: The subject is getting ready to go to bed... AW: Yeah. NP: Lucy Bartlett you have another point, you have eight seconds left. Anyway carry on now. LB: I sit down at my dressing table and take my hair out. I (starts to laugh) HOOTER NP: And none of the audience could believe that she could take her lovely hair off. Anyway you managed to get from that um six points. You’re now behind Anona Winn with seven, and the two men for the first time are trailing with three and two. So this is a very interesting situation. Clement Freud we’d like you to start this time and talk if you can for Just A Minute on the very mundane subject, bread and butter pudding, starting now. CF: Bread and butter pudding is more a way of life, than a desirable sweetmeat. Bread and butter pudding is yellow and... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn why have you challenged. AW: Repetition. NP: Justify it please. AW: Well we’ve had two bread and butter puddings. One’s enough! NP: Very clever but not enough to get a point. Clement Freud you’re still with your bread and butter pudding starting now. CF: The afore-mentioned sweetmeat is light yellow and buttery and bready and custardy and sweet. And if sugar is strewn on top of it and it’s put into a hot oven, it also has a golden brown crust. Let me tell you how one goes about manufacturing or constructing one of these delicacies. You get slices of bread from which you remove the rind and spread good unsalted butter thereupon. Building up slice after slice of bread interrupted only... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Ah slice after slice of bread, repetition. NP: Very clever but not enough to get a point. It’s, you’ve given one to Clement Freud and we’d like to hear more about your bread and butter pudding for 15 seconds starting now. CF: We have now not only the buttered bread, round... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: We’ve got an awful lot of bread! What happens if there’s a war on! NP: I’m sure bread and butter pudding needs an awful lot of bread. So we’re still with you, Clement Freud, carry on now. CF: Actually the best bread and butter pudding has no bread or butter in it at all. And it’s made... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: He’s going mad! You’ve given him, it’s nice but repetition, I’m sorry! But I mean, couldn’t... NP: Just explain yourself quite clearly. AW: Well there’s bread and there’s butter, there’s bread and butter and there are other things. NP: Why have you challenged then? Why have you challenged? AW: Well I challenged on repetition. NP: Well once again I’m going to appeal to this audience. So do you think that Anona Winn is justified on challenging on a repetition here. If you do will you cheer and if you disagree will you boo, now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You disagree with Anona Winn, Clement Freud has another point and you have four seconds left for your bread and butter pudding starting now. CF: Milk, sugar, sultanas and other items... HOOTER NP: Well you’ve all got six points now Clement Freud, you’re equal with Lucy Bartlett, you’re just behind Anona Winn. And I’m sure after your bread and butter pudding and your Christmas pudding that went out of the window, the gourmets are going to follow you like mad! But anyway we come back to Anona Winn and here’s a subject close to anybody’s heart. Anona we’d like you to talk for Just A Minute if you can on paying a visit to the dentist starting now. AW: Dentists are really... BUZZ NP: Lucy Bartlett you challenged. LB: I thought that was a hesitation. NP: I quite agree. Lucy Bartlett on paying a visit to the dentist starting now. LB: Paying a visit to the dentist is about the nastiest thing that anybody could do, and the awful thing is that nobody does it voluntary. First of all you have to sit for hours... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. You got it back again, paying a visit to the dentist starting now. AW: When you go to the dentists, you really should remember that all dentists at heart are very kindly people. They lie awake at night worrying about the terror they arouse in the bosoms of men, women and children. They also... BUZZ NP: Lucy Bartlett. DN: Actually it was me, sorry. NP: Well Lucy Bartlett’s little light came up then. DN: Oh really? How nice! NP: Would you like to press your little um buzzer there and see if your light comes on. BUZZ NP: That is the Derek Nimmo light. That’s fine. So you actually challenged did you Derek? DN: I really have no idea what you’re talking about! LB: I pressed mine as well. NP: You pressed yours as well? And Lucy got in first because whoever presses first automatically counts out the others. Lucy why did you challenge? LB: I’ve really almost forgotten, I think it was deviation. NP: You’re quite right, it was deviation. You’ve got paying a visit back, paying a visit to the dentist starting now. LB: You sit in a waiting room trembling. The nurse comes in, she says "Miss Bartlett it’s now your turn". You walk into, into his surgery, you sit down... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Into, into, repetition. NP: You, you, no, no, I think you’re being unkind. Lucy you have a point and you have 27 seconds left on paying a visit to the dentist starting now. LB: You shake the dentist’s hand rather nervously. He says "take a seat, Miss Bartlett" and you do. The nurse comes along and straps you into the seat. She thrushes you... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well deviation really, she’s talking about you and you means me, and I can’t be Lucy Bartlett! NP: Extremely ingenious, and it’s given a point to Lucy Bartlett. Would you carry on Lucy talking now. LB: The dentist then shines a light into your mouth and says "shut your eyes, Miss Bartlett, it’ll be better than keeping them open..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well I still challenge on exactly the same score. Does she mean Nicholas Parsons’ name is Lucy Bartlett? NP: You’re being more ingenious but you’re only giving... because the subject is on paying a visit to the dentist. DN: Ah right. NP: Obviously it must be the dentist that you usually go to. And if Lucy Bartlett’s talking it must be Lucy Bartlett she’s talking about. So Lucy Bartlett you get another point, you have 12 seconds and the same subject starting now. LB: I, Lucy Bartlett, shut my eyes! Then er... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Milking the audience! NP: And justified on this occasion. With another point would you carry on Lucy starting now. LB: The drill starts with the terrible nose the dentist’s... drill is... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Two drills, one’s enough. NP: very good but it doesn’t fit into the game and so you still have another point and you still have three seconds left for paying a visit to the dentist starting now. LB: My teeth is penetrated... HOOTER NP: Well I admire you Lucy. I think the others tried to harry you on that and and you wouldn’t be put off and you carried on gainfully. And you put yourself in a commanding lead with 14 points followed by Anona Winn with eight, Clement Freud with six and Derek Nimmo with three. Ah here’s a lovely subject for you to try and win some points back with, Derek, what Gladstone said in 1894, starting now. DN: The first thing that Mr Gladstone said in 1894 was "a very happy new year to you all". He then said "thank you very much for your good wishes". The following morning he said "please could I have some toast and butter and a little marmalade". And later on that day he said "atishoo!" Then he went to bed that night, said "farewell my friends". He also said about Mr Disraeli "his doctrine is false, but the man is even falser than his doctrine". He had said that earlier, but he repeated it in 1894! He was at the height of his powers. I remember hearing him in the House of Commons in that year speaking to Mr Disraeli and he said "ah it is nice to be standing here, wishing you a happy new year". It was only January the third still. He also said "how lovely it is to see Queen Victoria riding down the Mall on a big white horse with two... HOOTER NP: I’ve never heard such a lot of old deviation in all my life! But as you managed to speak without interrupting for 60 seconds then, you gain an extra point and you’re now on five.... DN: I’m now in the lead again! NP: You’re not quite in the lead yet! Lucy Bartlett it’s your turn to begin. Would you like to talk please for Just A Minute... ah yes, this is a thing for any young girl to think about and explain to us, things that make me blush starting now. LB: There are so many things that make me blush it’s very hard to start. Yesterday.... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Hesitation. LB: I was drawing a breath! NP: It was so minimal I have to always swing one way. I’m still with you on this one, no I don’t think it was enough to be penalised. So carry on Lucy starting now. LB: For instance yesterday I saw two rather old ladies fighting in the street. I blushed. I then got in a train and a religious mainneck started preaching at me. I blushed. Two days ago... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, yes that time. All right Anona, things that make me blush Anona starting now. AW: Things that make me blush are people who ah say... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Derek Nimmo, things that make me blush, now. DN: When I am standing in Lucy Bartlett’s bedroom and she takes her hair off and I find that she’s bald underneath I invariably blush. When she fumbles in her under-garments and locks things which she finds inside, I always blush. When I see Mr Clement Freud... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Fumbling! NP: It’s not one of the rules of the game. Derek Nimmo you have another point and 14 seconds left for things that make me blush now. DN: If I find myself standing outside Clement Freud’s house and out through the window comes whistling a Christmas pudding and several decayed mince pies and a jug of cream together with several bread and butter puddings containing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition, I’ve said all of that! NP: But you didn’t say it in this round. CF: Nevertheless, repetition. NP: And you didn’t say it on this subject. So Derek Nimmo has another point and he has three seconds left for the things that make me blush starting now. DN: Sasparella, gooseberry and... HOOTER NP: Clement Freud it’s your turn to start and perhaps you can redress the situation for yourself. Ah here’s a good subject for you as well, beauty competitions, starting now. CF: Beauty competitions are held in theatres or on beaches in order to determine which of a number of selected contestants will receive a small prize or some equal honour like being kissed by Derek Nimmo. People who go in... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: He hesitated after I kissed her. NP: I must say it would make anybody hesitate. It was justified Derek so you have beauty competitions starting now. DN: I once went to judge a beauty competition in the north of england. And I was met by the Lord Mayor who said "we’ve got all the queens in the next room, and I’m very worried about them because we’ve found out that one of the queens is pregnant." He said "I’ve got a district nurse in with them now going over them, as soon as we find out which one of them is pregnant we’ll let you know. We’ll put a cross by her name." And invariably, inevitably they gave me the piece of paper with the, the list of names on... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. DN: Oh. AW: Hesitation, with the, with the. NP: Well I think it was more his impediment this time. I’m going to be kind to him and let him carry on with beauty competitions, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: I would love to judge a beauty queen competition in which Clement Freud took part... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: I quite agree! I could never see you in a beauty queen competition. Take it over, Clement Freud, with seven seconds left starting now. CF: So the Lord Mayor said "I will put a cross against whichever of these beauty queens happens to be pregnant..." HOOTER NP: My goodness me, how devious can we get. Right, let’s give the score again. Lucy Bartlett’s still in the lead with 15, Derek Nimmo 12, Anona Winn nine and Clement Freud eight. Anona Winn it’s your turn to start and this time we’re going to have a penalty. You have to think very carefully. Throughout this game if you use the word the, the others can challenge and gain a point. Now this is interesting because last time we did this sometimes people got away with it because nobody spotted it. Anyway the subject is Australia Anona and the word you mustn’t say is the, and the time starts now. AW: Australia has been called... one... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, quite right. AW: What I was trying to say is you can’t say anything... NP: You have Australia, starting now. CF: Australia has often been called all sorts of names. There are a number of countries in Australia known as (slowly) New South Wales, Victoria, Western Australia... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Hesitation. NP: No, I think he’d measured his delivery rather cleverly so that he waited the same thing. So we’re still with you Clement, plenty of time there still, carry on now. CF: People in Australia do tend to talk very slowly. When I was in Australia and said "tell me what countries you have in Australia?" the man replied (slowly) "New South Wales, Victoria... BUZZ NP: Anona Winn. AW: Repetition. NP: Repetition Anona, the subject’s back with you, Anona, Australia, don’t mention the word the, and start now. AW: I happened to come from a state which has been named by Clement Freud, a very charming state. Ah there are others... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Ah hesitation. NP: Gains you a point, carry on Derek Nimmo with the subject, 23 seconds left starting now. DN: How lovely it must be at this time of the year to lie... BUZZ DN: Oh! NP: Lucy Bartlett. The year. LB: Yes. NP: Fine Lucy will you carry on, um, 17, 18 seconds left, Australia, don’t say the word the, starting now. LB: I know nothing at all about Australia... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: How can she talk about it? Deviation. NP: She can still try in this game and she has another point. Lucy you have 15, 14 seconds left starting now. LB: I have never been there and I never want to go there. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. You got a point this time with five seconds left starting now. CF: Australia has... BUZZ NP: Lucy Bartlett. LB: Hesitation himself. DN: Hesitation himself? NP: Hesitation himself? DN: Hesitation himself? LB: That’s what he said to me as I opened my mouth and I said it back. NP: Well done! And that’s what we want in this show someone who’s got some spirit to stand up to these two experienced men here. But I’m afraid all you do is give Clement Freud another point. But well tried anyway. The subject is Australia, you mustn’t mention the word the, you start now. CF: Australia played West Indies... HOOTER NP: And that’s all we have time for and it is very interesting because for the first time the ladies have overtaken the men in this game. Lucy Bartlett is a clear winner so I’m sure you want to applaud her for that. Clement Freud is second, third comes Anona Winn equal with Derek Nimmo. Goodbye from us all. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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