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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, ANDREE MELLY and BETTY MARSDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 March 1968)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Betty Marsden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and hello. Welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more we welcome back four contestants who have competed so ably against each other in this game. We hope you enjoy the fun as I ask each one in turn to speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. Well with those thoughts in mind, let is begin straight away with Clement Freud. Clement would you like to speak on keeping wicket starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: Keeping wicket is something that you have to do if you don’t want to lose your wicket. I first came into this when I played cricket at my school, and the captain said "where would you like to field?" And I said "anywhere as long as it’s near you". And he was first slip so I kept wicket. I got down on my knees, held my hands in front of my knees. And the first two balls went to the boundary with nobody hitting them. I was then told that I kept wicket very badly and went to a night school for wicket-keepers... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden you have challenged. Why? BETTY MARSDEN: Repetition. NP: Why? BM: Too many wickets. NP: I think there were too many wickets, yes. Betty there are 29 seconds left, will you take over keeping wicket starting now. BM: I stood there originally you see, holding the bails in my hand. They had just fallen to the ground, been knocked off by a maiden over. So I picked them up and I put them... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Maiden overs don’t knock off bails. NP: You’re quite right. But there might have been some other cricketers listening and I wanted... BM: Ooooohh! NP: You have an extra point Clement Freud, the subject is back with you, keeping wicket, 17 seconds, strating now. CF: Some of the most famous people who have done the subject for which we have to 17 seconds left are Leslie Ames, Billy Griffith, Jim Parks, Allan Knott to name but a few. But the great keepers of this particular three stumps... I wish somebody would challenge me! BUZZ CF: Thank you! NP: Derek Nimmo has obliged, why did you challenge Derek? DEREK NIMMO: To help really! And because he was deviating. NP: Really? In what way? DN: Because he said I wish somebody would tell me... NP: Yes definite deviation. Derek Nimmo there are... oh there’s only one second left in which to talk about keeping wicket, you gain an extra point, perhaps you’ll get another one now, and you start now. DN: George Duckworth... BUZZ HOOTER NP: No Clement Freud challenged first. Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Deviation, I mean hesitation. NP: Hesitation? CF: Tremendous hesitation! NP: No, no... DN: I said George Duckworth with tremendous aplomb I thought. NP: Yes. Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause for Derek Nimmo. A very good try Clement but I’m afraid all that happened was that Derek Nimmo gets another point. Now Andree Melly... Melly! Would you carry on from this point and talk for Just A Minute if you can on favourite smells starting now. ANDREE MELLY: I think my absolute favourite smell is my knees. On a very hot summer’s day when I have been swimming in a salty sea and lying on a sandy beach and then have a hot bath which is usually rather painful because you’re a bit sunburnt and have just dipped my knees in the hot water, the smell is exquisite. A sort of salty, sunny, knees like delicious odor. Next to this is coffee which always smells much better than it tastes. And those grocer’s shops which sell soap flakes as well, and tea and spices and the men wear boaters and a kind of overalls which also helps the general... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think there was a definite hesitation there. So we have 13 seconds left for favourite smells with you Clement Freud starting now. CF: My favourite smell comes from the Mediterranean and is a mixture of French cigarettes, garlic... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: No! DN: Between the cigarettes and the garlic. NP: There was no hesitation. DN: It was worth a go! NP: All you’ve done is you’ve given him a point back which makes up for the one he gave you. Clement Freud we’re still with you with favourite smells with eight seconds left, carry on now. CF: Sweat... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Let’s hear about favourite smell from you Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: George Duckworth when standing behind the wickets used to have the most wonderful gloves... BUZZ HOOTER NP: Andree Melly challenged but I’m sure... AM: I had a very good point there which was what was Derek Nimmo doing behind George Duckworth who was behind the wicket? CF: Long stop! DN: Long stop! NP: A very devious thought for other people to work out! The subject with you Derek: being in bed with flu starting now. DN: There is a little shop in the Boar’s Pond Road that I first met her... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden. BM: Deviation! NP: Why? BM: Nothing to do with the Boar’s Pond Road being in bed with flu. NP: Well I don’t know. Derek Nimmo, how are you going to justify your beginning. I’ll give you a second or two to do so. DN: Well there was a lady behind the counter whose name was Fluchinmara Yong. NP: That’s got nothing to do with flu. Betty Marsden you take... DN: Her name, her name... NP: ..over the subject, you didn’t justify it rapidly enough. There are still 55 seconds, Betty, on being in bed with flu starting now. BM: Well it can be very unpleasant indeed. Because you see the flu in particular goes straight up from our drawing room floor, straight through carrying... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well I don’t see how she can be in bed with something under her drawing room floor! Deviation! BM: You don’t know where my bed is kept! NP: No, we don’t know where her flu is kept either! Betty Marsden we’re still with you, being in bed with flu, 45 seconds left, start now. BM: Well, being in bed with this particular thing which was from a drawing room going right up to the ceiling, it so happened that being this particular vent put a draught down it. I eventually got a very nasty cold, you see. And so the doctor said, my husband is a doctor, so he said to me... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He’s not a doctor, he’s a specialist. He’s an anathethitist. BM: He’s a doctor. CF: I’ve met him! BM: Oh! And he can cook! NP: And he can cook! Well I can only take your word for what your husband does. I feel Betty you should know better than Clement Freud. So we’re still with you with 37 seconds left for being in bed with flu strating now. BM: Well he said that owing to this vent up through the ceiling... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged? AM: Repetition, we’ve had the vent twice. NP: We’ve had the vent and the flu up the chimney. Yes Andree I think we’re with you, being in bed with flu starting now. AM: When you are lying down with this particular complaint, you usually have with you three hot water bottles, two cardies over your pyjamas, lots of blankets, perhaps... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged, why? DN: Repetition. A lot of blankets. NP: I’ll tell you what I’ll do here Derek. I will award you a bonus point for a very clever interpretation of the rules. But I don’t think I can justifiably give you the subject. Andree we are still with you, with 12 seconds left, being in bed with flu, starting now. AM: One bedsock, one aspirin, one... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: One bedsock is deviation! NP: All right I’ll give you a bonus point for a clever challenge and Andree still has the subject with eight seconds left for being in bed with flu starting now. AM: A glass of lemon and honey by the side of the bed, perhaps some magazines... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition. She mentioned bed three times. NP: She has indeed. There are three seconds left for being in bed with flu for you Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: Achoo is a noise that you often make... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: I’m sorry I couldn’t resist it! NP: Well done, you’ve given Derek Nimmo another point, you have one second left Derek Nimmo, being in bed with flu starting now. DN: I take a hot water bottle with me... HOOTER NP: This seems a good point to give you the score. With all those challenges against Derek Nimmo that’s out him strongly in the lead with eight points. Betty Marsden and Clement Freud both have four and Andree Melly for once is trailing with only one point. Betty can you talk for Just A Minute on how the spring makes me feel starting now. BM: Very uncomfortable! It’s right in the back of my chair and it sticks straight in the small of this particular dome which goes right the way down there. And I have been in this position now it seems for many years. And every time the doorbell rings I leap up like that, and this particular nasty piece of wire that seems to slip through the material pushes me forward like a jack-in-the-box. I find it most unpleasant and very cruel that it is not being cared for in the proper way in which it should be... BUZZ NP: Oh Andree Melly you challenged. AM: Yeah a huh-er, a hesitation. NP: Yes what a pity because she was doing so well. Andree will you take over the subject of how the spring makes me feel starting now. AM: Wonderful! I love it! The crocuses and the daffodils coming up through the soil! That first sunshine with the blue sky and the white clouds and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: She’s doing a Derek Nimmo! Repetition! NP: No! There are no points awarded for that. We’re still with Andree Melly and 19 seconds left Andree starting now. AM: I’m sure that Derek feels the same when he looks out of the window and thinks "ah spring is here at last". He jumps up... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden why did you challenge? BM: Deviation. NP: Why? BM: Well she doesn’t say what she’s thinking, she says that Derek Nimmo feels the same. NP: Well she’s still on about how the spring makes me feel. BM: Yes but how does she know how Derek Nimmo feels. AM: Because Clement Freud said so! BM: It’s your business... NP: No, no, I’m sorry Betty, no, it’s not quite justified. We’re still with Andree Melly with 12 seconds left, but watch it Andree, how the spring makes me feel, starting now. AM: Excited and younger than in the spring last year. Some... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: She has said spring a number of times. NP: She has indeed. There are eight seconds left for how the spring makes me feel for you Derek starting now. DN: At that particular time of the year I feel like Andree Melly! It’s something that’s come over me from a very early age when we first met... HOOTER NP: And as Derek Nimmo finished with talking while the hooter went again, he gains an extra point for that which makes his lead even stronger. Ten points, but equal in second place are the other three with four points each. Clement Freud we’re back with you again, the Entente Cordiale Clement starting now. CF: The Entente Cordiale is a sort of feeling in spring, that people between Gallic and Anglo-Saxon nations profess to have for one another. This is quite a long sentence which the French would appreciate because it sounds much better in their language. Recently it has been very much in the news because so many Frenchmen dislike so many Englishmen that we have to press ourselves to be ever more kindly disposed towards the other nation which... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Deviation, I don’t know what he’s talking about. NP: Well all I can say is bad luck Andree. We’re still with Clement Freud and another point, Entente Cordiale starting now. CF: Every Englishman naturally is greeted by every Frenchman with a massive amount of disdain. Ignominy is showered upon him. He is given snails and garlic to eat especially... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well deviation, this is not about the Entente Cordiale, this is about the hatred of the English for the French! NP: There’s not much cordiality about it, is there? DN: No, not at all. NP: I quite agree, Derek Nimmo, deviation, 28 seconds left... CF: Entente! Entente! NP: Yes but there’s no cordiality I’m sorry. Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: I like to go over to France and meet my French chums when I go over there. I generally go in restaurants and say "hello old fellow, do sit down, have a drink". And I buy him a glass of beer. And I think this is a very pleasant and cordial way of going about things, especially if I’m buying him lemon squash which is even perhaps more cordial! I do really think that in these grave times in which we’re living that the Frogs should be given a chance. They’re nearly as good as the English... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: A tremendous lack of cordiality! NP: Ah it’s how you interpret. I’ll tell you what... CF: Oh! NP: It’s how you interpret cordiality yes. I will put this to the judgment of our very delightful and distinguished looking audience here. Do you consider that that challenge of Clement Freud’s was valid? If so will you cheer and if you disagree with the challenge will you boo and all together do it now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You disagree with Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo has another point, has two seconds left for the subject and you begin now. DN: Red white and blue is a colour we both have in common... HOOTER NP: Derek has taken a firmer lead with 13 points but Clement Freud is now second with five and the girls both have four apiece. Andree Melly it is your turn to begin, what to take away for the weekend. What do you do Andree Melly and begin now. AM: We have a cottage in the country which is very primitive. It’s without electricity. So I take away lots of woolies to keep warm and things to keep dry because it’s nearly always wet. And food. But whatever it is I take is never right, and my husband turns to me and says "have you brought the..." oh... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden you buzzed first. I’m sure it’s for what we all think. BM: Hesitation. NP: Yeah. Quite right Betty. What do you take away for the weekend starting now Betty? BM: I usually pack a suitcase with various pairs of um, underwear and top bits and wigs because my hair always looks ghastly after half an hour in the country. So I don;t want to look like that that day. And on I go wearing trousers... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Don’t look like that that day. NP: You’re quite right. Clement Freud you have the subject of what to take away for the weekend with 26 seconds starting now. CF: I take with me my wife whose name is June Beatrice, my eldest daughter whose name is Nicola Mary, my second son whose name is Ashley John Grenville, my third son whose name is Dominic Martin... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: How can he take away a lot of names? NP: I think you could have had him for repetition, there were rather a lot of Freuds... BM: Yes! NP: But you didn’t do that. So we are still with Clement Freud with what to take away for the weekend with 14 seconds, start now. CF: The remainder of my children also come with me, as does my mother’s help. We pack it into the car which is called Charlie and drive off towards our weekend cottage where we spend Friday evening, the whole of Saturday, most of Sunday... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: It’s deviation now, he’s arrived at the cottage, it’s not what he’s taking away for the weekend because he’s already unpacked. NP: That is a rather devious challenge, he’s got to get somewhere if he’s going away for thr weekend. So still with Clement Freud with two seconds left and you start now. CF: Bread and meat... HOOTER NP: Betty, the importance of art, starting now. BM: Well he is a very important person in my life. His name is Arthur Jones. I met Mr Jones at a bus stop. When I saw him and he saw me, we actually bumped into each other. He was getting off the bus, I was getting on and he knocked me down and was able to pick me up. And I was happy about that of course. And we walked along the little parade to the next bus stop, but by this time, naturally we had missed that particular vehicle... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. Why have you challenged? CF: Deviation, this is the unimportance of Art! I mean... BM: He’s very important... NP: We haven’t, we don’t know, I can feel there’s a great importance in Art coming up. Betty I’m still with you anyway and you have 30 seconds left... CF: You’re against me! NP: I beg your pardon Clement? CF: No. NP: Oh you didn’t say anything, yes I thought it was filthy whatever it was. Betty 31 seconds left for the importance of Art starting now. BM: So anyway we got on a bus, went to Kew Gardens. And Art said to me, or Mr Jones as I called him at the time... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. You challenged? DN: Repetition, we’ve had an awful lot of Art now. NP: No, we had Arthur, we had Mr Jones. We’ve only had two, I don’t think it’s repetition yet. We’re still with you Betty and we have 22 seconds left for the importance of Art and you begin now. BM: Well I said to this man, I said "this time you see I’m..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well deviation, if she doesn’t know his name, he can’t be very important! NP: I can only do one thing Derek, give you a bonus point for a clever challenge but I’m still with Betty Marsden with 17 seconds left Betty starting now. BM: Well this male person obviously liked me very much and I liked him very... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: It’s disgusting! She’s soliciting in Kew Gardens now! With a male person, this fellow whose name she doesn’t know! Deviation! NP: And you obviously realise the importance of Art in Betty Marsden’s life! I’m still with Betty... DN: She’s fascinated with men! NP: And you still keep us fascinated with Art for the last 11 seconds Betty starting now. BM: Well anyway he was a boy child when born! And he held me by the hand as we went past the tulip beds because it was in the spring and I could see... HOOTER NP: As you know I am always utterly impartial in this game! And Betty Marsden with my complete impartiality managed to speak in spite of the challenges, this is the great thing, in spite of the challenges, for 60 seconds on the importance of this man Art. We’ll never know what Art did but she spoke for 60 seconds about him. Right, Andree Melly you’ve got another lot of French, Andree Melly. Ah we’ll have a penalty this time. It’s about time, they’re getting rather good at the game. Let’s have a penalty. You mustn’t mention the word a at all. And here’s something that a lot of us have thought about recently, doctor’s prescriptions. Don’t mention the word a, have a second’s thought about it and start now. AM: These things are very mysterious. To begin with, you can never read them. You are given a piece of paper with... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. AM: A piece of paper. CF: A piece. NP: A piece of paper, yes. Will you take over doctor’s prescriptions with no a starting now. CF: These are written on pieces of paper which chemists quite generally... honour... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes, doctor’s prescriptions, no as starting now. AM: You take them to the chemist... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: She’s gone to rather a lot of chemists! Right! Clement Freud, doctor’s prescriptions starting now. BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. Doctor’s prescriptions, Andree Melly, starting now. AM: When you arrive at this particular shop, the man... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Can I join in on the game as well? No, hesitation. NP: No hesitation. Andree Melly has another point, doctor’s prescriptions, no as, starting now. AM: The gentleman behind the counter tells you to wait. It doesn’t matter if there’s nobody else in the place. You still have to stand about for 15 to 20 minutes. He then... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Why? CF: Because she hesitated! I don’t know why she hesitated! NP: Do you know what, I’m going to grant you a point, because um I’m not going to give you anything because she’s slowing down very cleverly. The words are coming out an even tempo but you’re getting slower and slower... DN: She’s coming down to his normal pace anyway isn’t she! I mean he always talks like that! AM: Thank you! NP: Clement Freud you have the subject, doctor’s prescriptions, no as, 19 seconds left starting now. CF: Doctors... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well he’s going to start talking at his normal pace so he’ll be hesitating, won’t he! NP: No, it’s not! Don’t be so unfair Derek! Clement Freud, doctor’s prescriptions starting now. CF: When there’s something the matter with you and you go and see doctors, they write little pieces of paper which... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: Repetition, we’ve had these bits of paper. CF: Not my bits of paper. AM: Oh! NP: We’ve had bits of paper, Andree Melly it’s back with you, doctor’s prescriptions, no a, 12 seconds starting now. AM: Do they manufacture these pills behind the counter while you wait for your prescription? This is something I’ve always wondered. I imagine they had many test tins... BUZZ HOOTER NP: Betty Marsden, no Betty, Betty’s challenge was in first. BM: Yeah sorry I was wrong. I thought she said a and she hadn’t. I do apologise. NP: We take it back with two seconds left... BM: I take it back, absolutely. NP: Doctor’s prescriptions starting now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation, she didn’t start. NP: Hesitation. BM: Was it to me? NP: Derek Nimmo you have doctor’s prescriptions, no a, starting now. DN: Half a crown for each item... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. BM: A! And he hesitated! NP: You thought he hesitated, all right. DN: A? NP: Half a crown! BM: Half a crown! I said it first! DN: Actually Betty said it first. NP: Betty said it first, all right... CF: I did buzz. NP: But you buzzed. All right, I’ll give a point to all of them all except Derek Nimmo! And the score at that point is Clement Freud has taken the lead. He has 18 points. Derek Nimmo has 15, Andree Melly 10, Betty Marsden has nine. So it is Clement Freud in the lead, followed by Derek, followed by Andree, followed by Betty, all fairly close. Derek Nimmo your turn to start and let’s have another penalty this time, the word the. How to perform a Cornish floral dance. Have a second’s thought about it because of the penalty, you mustn’t mention the word the... DN: How to perform what? A Cornish floral dance? NP: You’re playing for time aren’t you! Cornish floral dance starting now. DN: When I’m in Topness in the summer months, I walk up... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: The summer months. NP: Oh yes well done. How to perform a Cornish, or the Cornish floral dance starting now. CF: Truro and Okampton are most beautiful parts of Cornwall in which lovely Cornish dances are nightly performed. A number of different people living in localities around these aforesaid villages gather together in floral attires and by moving one leg in front of the other... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AM: In front of the other! NP: Well done! How to perform a Cornish floral dance starting now. AM: By moving slowly, round in a... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Too slowly! NP: Too slowly, yes you’re quite right. Take the subject over with no thes starting now. CF: "Ole!" they shout to one another... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, they don’t! NP: I quite agree, I’ve never heard an "Ole!" in a Cornish floral dance! Sorry. Derek Nimmo, how to perform a Cornish floral dance, no the, starting now. DN: If you go into a Cornish town and you go into a village hall where they’re practicing for their Cornish dance, you will hear them gather together chanting the words of a dance which go roughly like this (lapses into heavily accented Cornish gibberish) BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge? AM: Well that’s Cornish for the! NP: I cannot in all fairness give it to you but I will give you a bonus point for a very clever challenge. Incidentally you all four missed a the before that. I think some of our audience got it but you missed it. So you’ve been very lucky, you’ve still got the subject, you have 14 seconds left and you start now. DN: I emerged from a village hall with flowers around my ankle, wandering down a High Street, singing the gentle song... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden. BM: Singing the gentle song. NP: The gentle song. All right Betty with five seconds left for the subject and no the, start now. BM: Yellow, orange ribbons in my hair... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. Why have you challenged? CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. BM: I was being poetical! NP: I know! BM: I was allowed that, the poet... NP: But whether you, whether the hesitation was poetical or that, it is still... DN: I thought he buzzed for deviation because we know she wears a wig anyway! NP: All right Derek, it is still Clement Freud who is correct with his challenge, you have the subject back and hang on a second, there’s only two seconds left starting now. CF: Merrily round... HOOTER NP: Well Clement Freud is still in the lead and as that is all we have time for, I judge that Clement Freud is the winner of the contest and from all of us here goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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