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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, BARBARA BLAKE and RENEE HOUSTON, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 February 1968)
NOTE: Barbara Blake's only appearance, Renee Houston's only appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Renee Houston and Barbara Blake in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is the man of the minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much again and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have four delightful and exciting personalities here to do battle with each other in this rather exciting game. Just to remind you of the rules. They have to speak on some unlikely subject I will give them for Just A Minute, without hesitating, without pausing and without deviating. I’ll go over those points, no hesitation, no going from the subject and sticking to the point. So with those thoughts in mind let us start this particular programme with Renee Houston. Renee would you like to talk for Just A Minute please on my first grown-up dress, starting now. RENEE HOUSTON: Oh I’d love to talk about it! It’s something I’ve always remembered Nicholas. I had a, it wasn’t quite a dress, it was what they called a coat-dress. And I was nine years old. It was made like a three cape thing, made like a Hidelman’s coat with a little velvet collar. And I wore that coat wet until it was absolutely half way up my arm and my mother couldn’t get it off my back. But I’ve repeated that coat-dress so often throughout my life... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition. NP: Yes. RH: Did you say hesitation? NP: No he said repetition, I think he was justified Renee. There are 34 seconds left Clement Freud for my first grown-up dress... starting now. CF: A very unpleasant thing happened to me when I wore my first and only grown-up dress. I was walking down Piccadilly on the south side of the street when a policeman approached and said "excuse me, is that your first grown-up dress?" And I said to the policeman "yes, as a matter of fact it is". And Renee Houston made it for me. It’s very tight in the arm and Renee Houston’s mother tried very hard to take it off when I was nine years old... BUZZ NP: Renee Houston, you challenged. Why? RH: Yes, repetition, he said two Renee Houstons. NP: We can never... RH: One should be enough for anybody! NP: No we can never have enough Renee Houston. I don’t think it’s justified in the game. So Clement Freud has another point and he has seven seconds left for my first grown-up dress starting now. CF: I later wore this dress in Sochyhall Street in Glasgow... BUZZ NP: Renee Houston. RH: The correct name is Sockethall Street, he hasn’t got it right. So! NP: On what do you challenge though? RH: Ah, um, blubberage! NP: What’s that? RH: Blubberage! NP: Blubberage is not one of the rules... RH: Inarticulation! NP: That’s not one of the rules of the game. All you’ve done, I’m afraid, is give Clement Freud another point and three seconds to go, Clement Freud, with my first grown-up dress starting now. CF: Near Kilkarroch in Glasgow.. HOOTER DEREK NIMMO: I love that! NP: As that sweet little hooter went as Clement Freud was still speaking, it tells us by the way that 60 seconds are up and now it is Derek Nimmo, your turn. Ah yes, what a delightful subject for you here Derek. Would you like to talk for 60 seconds on what to take on a picnic starting now. DN: I think the most important thing to take on a picnic is the female companionship. You get a large rug and a bottle of wine. There you have the nucleus of a good picnic! Together with that I take perhaps some tomatoes, a loaf of bread, some cheese and thou. And there I would find a tree and spread all my goodies underneath the tree and devour them at my will. Um, I would open up, no, I’m talking about the wrong one... BUZZ DN: I’m so sorry! RH: Hesitation. NP: I think you’re justified. And we won’t ask what... DN: I was deviating, that’s why I said... NP: You were deviating, you were hesitating and I’ve no doubt you were doing all other kinds of strange things. It was all on that picnic anyway. There are 20 seconds left, Renee Houston for you to talk about what to take on a picnic starting now. RH: Well first of all, surely if you’re going to take a suitable girl on a picnic, he’s not going to eat her! And you mentioned... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: She’s not talking about things to take on a picnic, she’s talking about a point of order. NP: No, she’s taken over the subject and for some reason she took over your picnic instead of a picnic of her won. Why did you challenge? DN: Deviation, surely if you wanted to take a girl on a picnic you ought to feed her! NP: No I don’t think it’s justified, I don’t think so. She’s a guest and so I’m going to be gallant, I give it to you Renee. So will you carry on on what to take on a picnic starting now. RH: Well the finest thing to take on a picnic is lots and lots of food. But not too many... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Lots and lots must be repetition. NP: I think it’s a very moot point. I’m still with Renee Houston, another point and still the same subject starting now. RH: Well if you’re going to have a really good picnic, take along various kinds of things with you like sandwiches and hard boiled eggs and tomatoes and remember that you’ll have to carry an awful lot of it back, especially if you take men with you. I mean, fellers like Derek Nimmo won’t eat sandwiches or anything else, they just want to have an egg in the basket... HOOTER NP: A wonderful picture you conjured up there, Renee, carrying the men back as well. Anyway as the hooter went you were speaking and gained a point. And oh let’s have the score. Clement Freud is in the lead with five points, Renee Houston follows him with four and Barbara Blake and Derek Nimmo have yet to score. Well Barbara has a chance now with, oh! What a subject here which I’m sure will cause a lot of amusement. Barbara, how to shrink a human head, starting now. BARBARA BLAKE: First find your victim and have a quarrel with him which you win. Then lop his head just about at the clavicle. I think that’s what it’s called. And... comb the hair very carefully... BUZZ NP: Renee Houston. RH: Hesitation. NP: I’m afraid you’re right. RH: She was doing a very clumsy job of getting that head off! NP: Right, can you make a better one of it. How to shrink a human head starting now. RH: Well I would think the best way to shrink it would be to do what I did with a pair of shoes once. And boiled them! You know that it’s a very old thing, go and boil your head, and I’m sure that’s what they meant when they said it, that you should shrink your head because you were too big headed! NP: I’m sure you’re right. RH: And if you want to do that... BUZZ NP: Barbara Blake you challenged, why? BB: Hesitation. NP: I think so. She looked at me as much to get agreement and I agreed with her... RH: I only just got the head on to boil and she stopped me! NP: I know and I love it! I was all for it!It’s up in Glasgow they say (Scottish accent) you want to go and boil your head, (normal voice) don’t they? (Scottish gibberish) Right Barbara you have the subject back, you have 34 seconds to tell us more, how to shrink a human head starting now. BB: Then break the skull several times with a sharp, with a heavy blunt instrument. And sweep out the skull and the entraits from the neck. Tie the neck up very well so it doesn’t... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation, but I think that’s absolutely revolting! She’s got a neck with the brains pouring all over it. NP: Well you should look at Ian Messiter, he thought of the subject! Having made your point Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation actually, she was mumbling away. NP: No I want to see what else Barbara’s going to say about this human head she’s shrinking. Barbara we’re still with you, an extra point, starting now. BB: Then you start at the bottom of the head and extend it over a smoky fire of green wood with the head hanging down. Not too near the fire or the head will burn. After... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes a definite hesitation. All right Derek Nimmo what have you got to say on this subject, you have three seconds, so you needn’t worry too much. We’d like you to say something about how to shrink the human head starting now. DN: Pink roses covered with lovely forget-me-nots... HOOTER NP: The score, oh, Clement Freud and Renee Houston are equal first, closely followed also equal are Barbara Blake and Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud, we’d like you to start this time, the subject is bankers starting now. CF: Bankers are people who look after your money, fairly carefully, keep it for a long time and charge you for the privillege. This is a revolting exercise and many bankers are rightfully very unpopular as a result. Perhaps the most unpopular... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well hesitation, I mean, he’s always desperately slow but he is hesitating rather a lot. It’s all so dreary isn’t it! It’s all so dreary! I mean he moans on and on and on in that terrible long-winded voice. It gets so... NP: And you made a very good attempt at going on and on and on there. No I don’t think he hesitated enough so Clement Freud it’s still bankers with you starting now. CF: Perhaps the most dreariest bankers of anyone are those that live in Switzerland and are known to some people as the Gnomes, spelled G-nomes of Switzerland. These are bankers with pointed heads who keep flat money into accounts numbered rather than named accounts. You go into a Swiss bank and you say "1896437298468315.." BUZZ NP: Renee Houston why have you challenged? RH: Deviation, he’s going into numerology. NP: No, no, that was the number. I think, I don’t know how many numbers they have at these banks, I’m sure... But it’s not devious. So Clement Freud we’re still with you starting now. CF: Derek Nimmo had a friend who was a banker, who didn’t like Derek Nimmo very much. And this simply shows what good taste many bankers have. HOOTER NP: Well with the assistance of the others challenging you so often Clement Freud, you hafve given yourself quite a strong lead with nine, followed by Renee Houston on five, and still in third place Derek Nimmo and Barbara Blake. Renee Houston, your chance to try and take the lead with a delightful subject, greenhouse plants starting now. RH: Oh yes well now you are asking me about something that I do know something about. I love greenhouse plants, in fact it all started when I was eight years old. I used to go to the Botanical Gardens in Glasgow with my father, who used to take me there every chance he could get. And I pretended that I knew so much about plants. So in the end I really did learn. Now I have grown potted plants myself. They are of a very strange species, they are hyconstershums and prodrendrums. Now the latter have no perfume, but the teni from them are really used for making stinkbombs. They’re beautiful and you’ve got to give them plenty of room to pot them. In fact the bigger the pot, the better it is. The old fashioned chambers have gone out of date but they’re useful. And if you pot them there you have no trouble with them at all, all you have to do is water them once a year, but it must be on a Tuesday! Any other day is not suitable at all... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Well it’s absolute nonsense! NP: But you were still talking about greenhouse plants whether it was nonsense or not. I had this most vivid picture of these greenhouse plants that were quite revolting, making stinkbombs, sitting on a pot in her greenhouse. Renee Houston, you’ve still got another point and you’ve two seconds left about your greenhouse plants starting now. RH: Well what I was going to say was... HOOTER NP: So you are still in second place but you’ve gained another two points Renee Houston. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, things I must warn my children about starting now. DN: The thing that I first warn my children about is Clement Freud. I manage to do this really by teaching them simple nursery rhymes like "little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey, there came a big Freud and sat down beseud and frightened Miss Muffet away". A little later on I manage to continue education of my children, warning them about Clement Freud, by telling them about the teddy bears picnic. I mean "don’t go down to the woods today, because today’s the day Clement Freud has one of his dreadful picnics..." BUZZ NP: Renee Houston. RH: Repetition. NP: Why? RH: he brought two Clement Freuds into it. NP: Very clever! I know there’s only one Clement Freud... RH: I was just waiting fro him to bring in Freud eggs but he didn’t! NP: I don’t think within the rules of the game, it’s quite justified. We’re still with Derek Nimmo, things I must warn my children about starting now. DN: Um, it’s awfully difficult really to instill too carefully into a child the dangers of Clement Freud. He’s a particularly nasty repulsive man with a long straggly beard who does very nasty things in kitchens. He has unpleasant habits which are not known to everybody, but I... BUZZ NP: Renee Houston. RH: Deviation. NP: No, I would have had him for repetition, I don’t think it’s justified really. I would have liked to have given it to you, but we’re still with Derek Nimmo and there’s only six seconds left starting now. DN: When I get them to the side of the road, I tell them to look very carefully to the left, to the right, then glance to the left. And if they see Clement Freud coming... HOOTER NP: Well um Clement Freud we’re now with you and um, I think I would like to give you a subject, in view of what Derek Nimmo’s just been saying, and ask you to talk for Just A Minute on Derek Nimmo starting now. BUZZ NP: Barbara Blake, you challenged. BB: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, yes, he couldn’t say what... CF: It was absolutely deliberate silence! NP: Barbara Blake would you like to take over the subject of Derek Nimmo starting now. BB: Derek Nimmo is a very clever actor, comedian, who made his name... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Clement Freud I’m going to give you a point. After what Derek Nimmo said about you I will give you a point. So will you carry on... CF: He’s a limited typecast actor! NP: Your subject is still Derek Nimmo starting now. CF: I once had a dog called Derek Nimmo, a scruffy scraggly little bull-terrier, who spent much of his day doing repulsive things about the house. This was a pity because the real Derek Nimmo, if you can call it the real, I mean, the person who appears on... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you’ve challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, will you talk about Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: I do like to walk about beside the seaside, bum-tiddly-pom... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Yes I agree. DN: Why? I said I... NP: I said talk about Derek Nimmo, you were... DN: I do like to walk, I am Derek Nimmo! I like walking beside the seaside, I was talking about myself. NP: I’m going to be very kind to Clement Freud now, you’ve been very horrid to him. Clement Freud you have the subject back again, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: If you walk beside the seaside, please look out for Derek Nimmo, who spends much time walking along the beach with bare feet, which have ingrowing toenails. A very unpleasant sight also is the entire Nimmo entourage of children being warned against things coming out of the sea, who are often seen walking behind Mr Nimmo on beaches in the south and east coast of England... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, he’s talking about my family now, not me. NP: But your family must be very closely connected with you. I don’t think it’s justified... DN: They’re having to walk behind, they’re not even near me at the moment! NP: Clement Freud you have another point, you still have seven seconds, oh eight seconds left to talk about Derek Nimmo starting now. CF: The interesting thing about Derek Nimmo is that his family is not very closely connected to him. They walk many yards behind him because deep down... HOOTER NP: Well Clement Freud, with the subject of Derek Nimmo, you’ve given yourself a commanding lead of 12, followed by Derek Nimmo with eight, which he got most of his points talking about Clement Freud, and Renee Houston has got seven and Barbara Blake has only got four but she has a chance now because she starts this time. And the subject again, a rather devious one he’s thought of, Ian Messiter has for you Barbara, but I’m sure you can let us down on this as well like you did the other one. The subject is snakes as pets starting now. BB: Everyone thinks that it’s a silly idea to have a snake as a pet but I think it’s a very good idea. Because a snake is an unusual pet and what’s the point of having a pet if it’s not unusual? Snakes don’t take up much room, they’re quiet, they don’t jump at you like cats and dogs do. They lie in a little corner and you feed them with flies and other insects. You can also... BUZZ NP: Renee Houston. RH: Deviation. NP: Why? BB: No! RH: You don’t feed them with flies and insects. NP: Well she might! BB: I do! NP: So I’m sorry, no, Barbara... RH: You’re not very... NP: Barbara you get an extra point and it’s still with you with 40 seconds left starting now. BB: When I was at home, I looked in vain for a snake to have as a pet. Because the snakes we have are not poisonous, they are very easy to have as pets, not as in England where the snakes are poisonous. However I searched high and low for this snake which I wanted to have as a pet and couldn’t find one. And many years later I was told by my father that the reason why I couldn’t find a snake for a pet was that snakes were virtually wiped out in Jamaica many years ago. So I’ve come to this country in the hope that some day, someone will give me a snake that I can feed flies and other insects... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition, it’s the second time she’s been feeding them with flies and things. NP: Yes that’s very clever, I would say repetition. If she wants to find the snakes, the biggest snake in the grass in this country, Barbara, is someone on this programme as well! But we’ll say no more, Derek Nimmo has a point and he has four seconds left to talk about snakes as pets starting now. DN: Favourite foods for snakes are human brains. If you get some green twigs, light a fire... HOOTER NP: Renee Houston it’s your turn to start and this time we’re going to have one of those penalties that have been rather popular before. And this time in talking you mustn’t use the word and. And the subject is the people next door and you start now. RH: Well the people next door to me are marvellous. For the first time in a long time I’ve got neighbours, and a young couple... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: That was an and, wasn’t it. NP: It was a Scottish and, I quite agree, all right, yes. Clement, the people next door without the word and starting now. CF: The people next door to me are a kindly couple of Scots lady and gentleman who... BUZZ NP: Derek... BB: And and. NP: Was it? BB: Scots lady and. NP: That’s right. Well done, well done. I was listening so carefully I was having to spot other things. I thought it was hesitation as well, but I missed the and. Well done, you’ve got an extra point Barbara, you have 45 seconds left starting now. BB: The people next door make a lot of noise. The people next door are Irish. They often go to the pub on the corner of the road. When they come back from the pub, they put their gramophone on, turn it up very loud. Then they continue to make a lot of noise. However... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition, they’ve been making a lot of noise before. Second time. BB: No, I was just explaining... NP: Barbara Blake don’t argue with him, you’ve got another point, the people next door, no ands, starting now. BB: However the people next door are very kind. They take in stray animals. They look after people who’ve lost their way. They often enquire about my health. They... er... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, right, the people next door, no ands, starting now. CF: I’ve got new people next door. An awfully nice couple from Scotland consisting of a man, a woman, a child, three dogs, two cats, a snake, a parakeet.. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, he’s talking about parakeets being best door, the subject’s people next door, not parakeets and snakes and all that. NP: Oh I see, oh what a very... no, no, I think that’s too, too, too devious a challenge... DN: It’s so ludicrous. NP: Well you obviously haven’t been up to Clement Freud’s house, so Clement Freud would you continue talking about the zoo next door, I’m sorry, the people next door, starting, starting now. CF: They are called Magillicuddy, a name which is... HOOTER NP: So Clement Freud’s well in the lead with 15 points, Derek Nimmo’s still second with 10 and Barbara Blake comes in third place with eight and Renee Houston trails a little with seven. But I’m sure she’ll put that right before we finish. Barbara Blake, we’d like you to start this time, oh the penalty will be the word the. And the subject is ice cream sundaes starting now. BB: I think sundaes are very difficult to get in England. In Jamaica and in America, the ice cream sundae is a delight to behold. It usually involves three or more different varieties of ice cream, topped up with whipped cream, hot fudge sundae, nuts and a cherry. Ice cream sundaes in this country are very peculiar things. They are simply one blob of ice cream, a dollop of very dubious chocolate sauce and a nut. That to me does not constitute an ice cream sundae and can easily be eaten in two seconds as opposed to the two... BUZZ BB: Oh! NP: Clement Freud. CF: The! NP: The, yes and hesitation I would have thought. Clement Freud, ice cream sundaes, no the, starting now. CF: Ice cream is a very good thing to have on Sunday. And some people think ice cream ought to be eaten on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I’m against this, particularly because it seems such an excellent occasion when Sunday comes round... HOOTER NP: Well Clement Freud is now in a commanding lead there, followed by Derek Nimmo and Barbara Balke equal second, and Renee is still trailing a little. But you have a chance, perhaps, to pick it up this time Renee. And here’s a subject, I’m sure, close to your heart Renee. There are no penalties this time. The subject is painting the kitchen, talk for 60 seconds starting now. RH: Well what would make you think that? Because it’s absolutely true. I painted my kitchen just before Christmas. It’s a very tricky job you know, because kitchens should always be white or very pale pastel shades. But to really prepare a kitchen for painting, you must first of all, wash down all the walls and the ceiling with very hot water, as near to boiling as possible. And you must put vinegar in because that releases all the fat. When you’ve done that, you’ve got to go gently with your brush up the way as well as down and then two strokes to every little bit that you do... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: So boring! It’s do it yourself. NP: It is, but it’s still legitimate. So she ahs another point and you carry on with painting the kitchen starting now Renee. RH: Well you start at the beginning of the week. Providing your kitchen isn’t too large, you can always be sure of having it finished by the end of the following week... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: I was being gallant. NP: Giving her a point. CF: Yes. NP: Very gallant of you. Already Renee Houston you have 16 seconds left and they’re all being very gallant, I’m sure now. Painting the kitchen starting now. RH: When you are finished painting it over for the first time, that’s with a stroke up and a stroke down all over the place... BUZZ NP: Barbara Blake. BB: Repetition. NP: Why? BB: She’s already talked about the stroke up and the stroke down. NP: No but that’s how you paint, up and down, up and down! BB: That’s repetition in itself. NP: I know it is but it doesn’t apply to the rules in this game. So Renee Houston’s still painting her kitchen, and she’s getting a lot of lovely points for the last, because this I must warn you is the last one. Renee in your last seven seconds, try and get a few more points starting now. RH: Well when you’ve finished doing the first coat, then you have to do another coat in three days later. And you find that it absolutely comes up beautifully... HOOTER NP: That final spurt on the last lap from Renee Houston brought her up from the rest there, it puts her equal second with Barbara Blake and Derek Nimmo who are a fair way behind our winner today who is clearly Clement Freud. Thank you for listening and from all of us here, good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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