JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,NParsons
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD and NICHOLAS PARSONS, chaired by GERALDINE JONES (Radio, 14 October 1968)

NOTE: Geraldine Jones's only appearance as chairman.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Nicholas Parsons and Clement Freud in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it, in the chair this week, is Geraldine Jones.

GERALDINE JONES: Well thank you. Here I am surrounded by buzzers and stop watches and a lot of rules which Iíll explain as we go along. I also have a list of unlikely subjects for the panel to talk about for 60 seconds each without pausing or going off the subject or repeating themselves. In other words they have to keep going, stick to the point and not say anything twice. The first round begins with Kenneth Williams. Will you please talk for one minute on how to eat macaroni delicately and without cutting it starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Macaroni, this is a wheatened paste. I think itís important that we define the thing. Itís a wheatened paste, squeezed into a sort of tube like shape. And the best way is to take it on your fork and to twist it so that the whole thing is eventually bunched so to speak on the end of the fork. And then you convey it to your mouth. In this way, of course, you... get back...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Hesitation.

GJ: Yes, terribly informative but I think he was hesitating. So Nicholas Parsons gains a point and has 33 seconds on how to eat macaroni, etcetera, starting now.

NP: Well the art of doing this, of course, is something which has been lost to the younger generation. Brought up on op and opulence...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

GJ: In what way?

CF: Hasnít mentioned macaroni! Difficulties of youth, could have been talking about fried spaghetti instead of eating macaroni.

GJ: Fair enough. Clement Freud, Clement Freud has 25 seconds on how to eat macaroni starting now.

CF: Ideally you get a fork in your left hand and a spoon in your right hand. You get hold of this former implement, pierce the macaroni...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

GJ: No I donít think...

CF: No sense of the theatre, has he!

GJ: I think you have to make allowances for natural slowness of speech. Clement Freud gets another point and has 14 seconds starting now.

CF: So having got the macaroni into...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition of macaroni.

GJ: Yes all right. Nicholas Parsons you have a point and 12 seconds starting now.

NP: The famous Italian chef, Senor Gunter Vontarto once said to me (in Italian accent) "when you get your macaroni youíve got to stab it right up the shoulder spine, youíve got to get the round part, because if you donít get the round part, you donít get the tasty thing. Youíve got to have a..."

BELL

GJ: Well at the end of the first round, Nicholas Parsons is just leading from Clement Freud, and Kenneth Williams so far hasnít any points at all.

KW: Oh!

GJ: Now Nicholas Parsonsís turn. Will you please talk for one minute on mumbo jumbo starting now.

NP: Mumbo jumbo, jabberwocky, come thing. This is how now. Well I thought come along the branch and step out along the way. I thought it was, no you canít bear if what the gift you give us, now I say glum. And then again, some people say this and some say that but what would you, haha, not I, but then! Is there a point, you say. Come now? Is it him, is it them, is it they? Is it Williams, is it Freud, no. Theyíre coming, this is a point and so we step forward, we take our hands, we cup them together, we look up and we look down because there is a way round. I thought perhaps it was theatre, you said no, and...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: I didnít understand it!

GJ: Which rule is he breaking?

CF: He repeated mumbo jumbo.

GJ: What does the audience think? If you think that Clement Freud is right and Nicholas Parsons was repeating himself, then you cheer. If you think Clement Freud was wrong, then you boo. All now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

GJ: Well Iím afraid the audience is very much with Nicholas Parsons who gains a point and has 12 seconds left starting now.

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud. Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

GJ: Yes. Virtuoso... virtuoso as Nicholas Parsons is, I think he did hesitate there. Clement Freud, Clement Freud has 11 and a half seconds on mumbo jumbo starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Hesitation!

GJ: Yes, such gallantry between the players is perturbing. Nicholas Parsons you have another point and nine and a half seconds starting now.

NP: Mumbo Jumbo was a very happy little elephant. And as he walked down to the river one day, his daddy said to him "come along little boy..."

BELL

GJ: Well at the end of that round itís Nicholas Parsons way in the lead, Clement Freud second and Kenneth Williams still very much behind.

KW: Donít keep rubbing it in!

GJ: I say no more than the truth.

KW: Mmmm!

GJ: Clement Freud itís your turn now. Will you talk please for one minute on getting out of jail starting now.

CF: The most important thing about the subject is to get into jail in the first place, in order that you can start on this exercise. I would like to commend listeners a number of useful ways of getting into jail. One of them would be to attack Nicholas Parsons with a blunt instrument. This would cover a multitude of useful causes like removing the enemy...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation

GJ: It was indeed hesitation. Thirty-one seconds on getting out of jail starting now.

NP: In order to get out of jail successfully, you must first read the small print in your contract. It usually goes something like this. Sub-text...

BUZZ

GJ: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well hesitation. But certainly deviation as well, because weíre supposed to be discussing getting out of jail, not your contract! Letís face it!

GJ: I think youíre right, it did seem a bit devious.

KW: Nice isnít she!

GJ: Kenneth Williams now creeps spectacularly into the game and has 21 seconds to talk about getting out of jail starting now.

KW: The first thing obviously to do is to get hold of a very good lawyer. Thatís the first thing to do. Then on the other hand if you canít get hold of a very good lawyer, then you want to get a rope ladder and a file. You can smuggle in nail files in loaves of bread. I know that goes on because Iíve read all these books about it. And then you saw through bars and lower...

BELL

KW: Oh thank you!

GJ: We start a new round now with Kenneth Williams. Now will you talk please for one minute on hocus pocus starting now.

KW: Hocus pocus, well this is a very interesting word, hocus pocus. It is derived of course from the term :a hax, a pax, max dales, um, something, add, add something or other...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

KW: I havenít finished!

NP: I hate to do it, but I do think you were hesitating Kenneth.

GJ: Iím sure...

KW: It was a lovely bit!

GJ: Iím sure great things were to come.

KW: Yes!

GJ: So Nicholas Parsons gains a point and has 22 and a half seconds on hocus pocus starting now.

NP: Hocus Pocus of course was the chief leader of the witches in The Little Gnomes story. And one day as they were going down into the forest, there was a great big gnome there who said "come along children, let us go this way". And the trees...

BUZZ

GJ: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, itís nothing to do with hocus pocus, itís just a fairy story, that was! Deviation.

GJ: Yes I happen to be very knowledgable about hocus pocus and I agree with you, Kenneth Williams. So you gain a point...

NP: You should recognise...

GJ: ...28 seconds starting now.

KW: As I say itís derived from this term which meant rather the equivalent of when you say today a magic phrase like er abracadabra or something like that. It really means, hocus pocus, to take someone on to er...

BUZZ

KW: Oh!

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Er hesitating then.

GJ: Yes you really are ruthless but you gain another point...

NP: I let him say it twice before I pressed.

GJ: Thatís still ruthless when heís losing so sadly.

NP: Oh!

GJ: You have...

NP: Well let him have it back. Iíll give that point to Kenneth.

GJ: No, no, we donít want you showing off your magnanimity.

NP: Itís something I never do in public, Geraldine!

GJ: You, you have 11 seconds on hocus pocus starting now.

NP: Well as I was saying about the children as they went into the forest. They were going to cast a spell, it was a real hocus pocus type of spell which would bring all the elves up, out of the trees and the little squirrels running for branches. Of course...

BUZZ

BELL

GJ: Clement Freud. Clement Freud.

CF: Itís boring!

GJ: I think from the applause that the audience agrees with you. Yes fair enough. A new rule has been born! You have one second left starting now.


CF: I...

BELL

GJ: And Clement Freud just got that point for ending on the bell. Um the score now. Still Nicholas Parsons in the lead, Clement Freud next and Kenneth Williams third. Nicholas Parsonsí turn. Would you please talk for one minute on my most miserable moment starting now.

NP: My most miserable moment was probably when I was asked to be on the panel of Just A Minute. I had been extremely happy being chairman of this game. I didnít realise how difficult and how impossible it was. And to me it was a miserable time of my life. I have endeavoured to come over, come and come back again to conquer this particular moment in my life. And I hope itís successful. I may have done it, because to speak without hesitation...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, he hasnít done it!

GJ: Ah yes, does the audience agree that it was a bit of waffle? If you do cheer, and if you donít boo.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

GJ: Well the audience thinks Nicholas Parsons was waffling. Clement Freud gets a point and has 34 seconds on his most miserable moment starting now.

CF: It happened at 11.15 on the 18th of August, nineteen hundred and forty-four. I was filling sandbags at number 28 Neverhill Gardens, Prothorne, in Berkshire which is in the south-west of England when this moment suddenly came up. A telephone rang, I picked up the receiver, said "hello, this is pro...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Thatís even more boring than what I said!

GJ: I think in fact that it sounded utterly miserable and probably because it was so miserable, it was boring. Clement Freud gains another point and has five seconds starting now.

CF: I said "Prosthorne 48965317 and..."

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition of numbers, 4567897.

GJ: No they were all different numbers so Clement Freud gets another point!

KW: Oh itís open favouritism!

GJ: And has two seconds left starting now.

CF: And the woman said "I think youíve got the wrong number!"

BELL

GJ: Um well after my impartial chairing Nicholas Parsons and Clement Freud are now level, and Kenneth Williams is in second place!

KW: Quite nice!

NP: Donít worry, sheíll favour you next time.

KW: Yes!

GJ: Itís now Clement Freudís turn to talk for one minute please on disposing of orange pips starting now.

CF: These are definitely the best coloured pips of which you can dispose. I have tried to dispose of many other coloured pips without success and so confine myself in this brief talk to the subject on the card. The best...

BUZZ

GJ: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

GJ: Yes I think it was hesitation. A point to Kenneth Williams, you have 40, 43... you have 43 seconds on disposing of orange pips starting now.

KW: Of course there are various ways of disposing of orange pips. I have seen some people just spit them out at passers-by! You know, actually, some people can spit them out with such velocity that they are capable of hitting people as they pass by. And Iíve seen them get Ďem right in the eye with orange pips! On the other hand some people surreptitiously sort of get them into the hand and then sort of glide away somewhere. You donít really know where itís all going, it might be on the floor for all you know. And others of course put them into spoons and lower them on to a plate. Some people have a bit of paper into which they put them. But on the whole, I think the whole business of... I didnít repeat that, it was just...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

KW: No!

GJ: Yes I think he was beginning to run down a bit. Nicholas Parsons...

KW: You make me sound like a bit of clockwork!

GJ: Nicholas Parsons gets a point and has six seconds on disposing of orange pips starting now.

NP: The best way to dispose of orange pips is to put it into the ground. And within a short space of time, the fermentation...

BELL

GJ: Kenneth Williams, itís your turn now. Would you talk for one minute please on being measured for a suit, but you have to talk on the subject without saying to, spelt T-O, too spelt T-double O and two spelt T-W-O. So no tos are allowed, being measured for a suit, starting now.

KW: Well being measured for a suit can be an extremely luxurious experience. There is a nice feeling, I think, when people say "well now, just stand there, just slip off your jacket and Iíll measure you across the shoulders, Iíll measure you around the arms, Iíll measure your waist". Of course at that time itís a bit much because you suddenly realise that you have put it on a bit, grams you see. And thatís not very nice. They say "oh hello it was 30 last time, 31 here!" And they often start I think in the port, and then they offer wines and all that sort of thing. That can be very embarrassing indeed. I havenít said to yet, I havenít...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: To.

GJ: Yes he did, he challenged you to challenge him. So Clement Freud gains a point and has 21 seconds starting now.

CF: Et tu Brutus?

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons. Nicholas Parsons.

NP: He used two words.

GJ: No...

NP: Thatís two.

GJ: Thatís not...

NP: He said tu, he said tu.

GJ: Yes but I specified, you see, how the tu was to be spelt.

NP: He never...

GJ: And...

NP: But it wasnít that tu, I know Clement Freud, he doesnít speak Latin normally!

GJ: Well I know that he does and even if he doesnít, the Latin is correctly spelt T-U. My education is at last some use to me. And so Clement Freud gains another point and still 19 seconds starting now.

CF: The tailor takes his tape and runs down my inside thigh measurement which he does with tremendous agility. "Thirty-one", he shouts. Then "thirty-three". He then goes to my waist...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: To my waist.

GJ: Yes youíre right. You have one point and seven seconds on being measured for a suit starting now.

CF: Being measured for a suit is one of the luxurious things of life.

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

GJ: Yes, yes he was fumbling a bit. I think...

NP: Ah Miss, Miss Lady Chairman, may I say youíre so charming and so understanding and so kind to people. I was born with an impediment. I do have difficulty with my speech. I managed to combat in my youth a very difficult stutter. And luxurious has always been one of the most difficult words.

GJ: In saying I was charming, etcetera, you were saying no more than the truth. But Iím not really very sympathetic to people with impediments.

NP: I realise that.

GJ: Clement Freud has a point...

KW: Sheís hard!

GJ: And two seconds left starting now.

CF: My waist measurement is...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition, he used the waist before.

GJ: No Iím going to give it to Clement Freud, he has one second left starting now.

CF: Yes!

BELL

GJ: Well at the end of that round, Clement Freud has made a staggering leap to be first place, Nicholas Parsons is in second and Kenneth Williams, alas, still in third. Nicholas Parsons itís your turn now. Will you talk for one minute please on how to open a bazaar without saying the word the, starting now.

NP: Opening a bazaar must be a bizarre experience. The whole point is...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: The whole.

GJ: Yes he did, you have 55 seconds on how to open a bazaar starting now.

CF: Ladies and gentlemen who have come unto my garden this afternoon. I welcome you all most sincerely from a big down heart...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Heís getting so slow, you know, itís obvious hesitation, you canít...

GJ: I, I agree, you donít have to argue it. Iím surprised you didnít interrupt sooner.

NP: I was afraid of getting penalised!

GJ: You get... Iím always fair. You gain one point, how to open a bazaar starting now.

NP: You take occasion which is all the fault of...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: The fault.

GJ: Yes, unfortunately for Nicholas Parsons. Clement Freud gains a pointb and has 25 seconds starting now.

CF: My Lord Mayor, you chaps over there, gentlemen...

BUZZ

GJ: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, Lord Mayors arenít at bazaars! Itís ludicrous!

GJ: Well I suppose theyíre posh bazaars. Maybe not in general. Kenneth Williams gains a point and has 19 seconds to talk about how to open a bazaar without using the word the starting now.

KW: You get up and say something which is reasonably funny. Open your speech and then you cut the ribbon and...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: The ribbon.

GJ: Yes Iím afraid so. You have gained a point, youíve gained a point, and you have nine seconds starting now.

CF: Any old ribbon and any pair of scissors will do this job handsomely. Ideally it should be conducted by someone wearing a dark...

BELL

GJ: Clement Freud gains another point for finishing on the bell and heís now substantially in the lead from Nicholas Parsons and Kenneth Williams in third place. Ah now Kenneth Williamsí turn. Will you talk please for one minute on the sport I least enjoy starting now.

KW: Well thatís not very difficult for me, because I donít really enjoy any of them! And I think, I think itís very significant that the real brains of this world are not to be found rushing about on a, on a football field chasing something thatís got a lot of air in it and a lot of rubber. I donít think youíll find them there, no! And itís said by some people that sportís a very good thing because itís supposed to get rid of a lot of aggressive instincts. And I think thatís a load of rubbish too because itís been statistically proved time and time again that the only way you get rid of such instincts by the guilt. Guilt! You have to have guilt!

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas, Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition of guilt.

KW: Oh yes.

GJ: All right.

KW: But I was using it in the sense of doubled!

GJ: No I donít think I can accept that. Nicholas Parsons gains a point and has 26 seconds on the sport I least enjoy starting now.

NP: The sport I least enjoy is playing Just A Minute. It is considered to be a sport amongst some because those who play it play it in such an unsporting fashion...

BUZZ

GJ: Clement Freud.

CF: Three sports.

GJ: Yes!

CF: Which is a fair definition of the theme but...

GJ: Absolutely! Clement Freud gains a point and has 17 seconds starting now.

CF: Basketball is the one I least enjoy because it is intensely boring. Four to six men of indeterminate ages line up on either side of a white line...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Heís getting slower... and slower... and so it must be hesitation.

GJ: No I think he was keeping going actually...

NP: Yes, but slower and slower and slower!

GJ: No, hesitation is not speaking slowly especially when you naturally speak as slowly as Clement Freud. So Clement Freud gains a point and has three seconds left starting now.

CF: (very quickly) And the left back passes to the right back who passes...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Out of his own mouth! He proved himself by speaking not like Clement Freud, so it must be deviation! If he normally speaks like that, itís deviation to speak like that!

GJ: Yes, Nicholas Parsons gets a point for cleverness, but not for knowing the rules of the game. And Clement Freud still has two seconds starting now.

CF: Who passes to the centre forward...

BUZZ

GJ: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: He passed in his last speech.

GJ: Fair enough. Nicholas Parsons, you gain a point and have half a second starting now.

BELL

GJ: Well the scores are still Clement Freud in the lead, Nicholas Parsons very close behind him and Kenneth Williams third. Nicholas Parsons, itís your turn now to talk please on what to do when sleep is impossible for one minute starting now.

NP: The best thing to do when sleep is impossible is to wake up. Having woken up you want to think of all the most wonderful things that you possibly can. Like for instance, those wonderful trips abroad. The last time I was in Paris, I couldnít sleep at all. So I got up, went downstairs and met a charming Frenchman. He said (French gibberish)

BUZZ

GJ: Clement...

NP: Which as everybody knows means when you cannot sleep the best...

GJ: Clement Freud has interrupted. Why were you interrupting?

CF: To stop him! A very long time ago, repetition.

GJ: Yes...

CF: In French!

GJ: Clement Freud, you get a point and have 38 seconds starting now.

CF: You lie awake and you countv the pillars in your bedroom and then you count the other mantles...

BUZZ

GJ: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

GJ: Yes I agree, very hesitant. Kenneth Williams you have 32 seconds on what to do when sleep is impossible starting now.

KW: When you canít sleep the best thing to do is to have a ceremony. There is no question at all about that. You have a ceremony. You get up, and you make yourself a pot of tea, raised up on a little cloth on the tray. Have your little cups and saucers and your milk and sugar all ready. And then you convey it to the bedroom on the side table. Thatís very nice then because you donít feel at all dreadful. Youíve suddenly made a little ceremony you see. And then you look out the window and you see all the traffic going along the road. And you think "what are those people doing, where are they going to at this time of night..."

BELL

GJ: And that Iím afraid is where we must leave it because Just A Minute, Iím afraid, has to be off the air in Just A Minute.

KW: Then donít mention the marks then!

GJ: I have time alas to Kenneth Williamsí undying shame to mention in this game Clement Freud won with a substantial lead over Nicholas Parsons in second place and Kenneth Williams, alas, in third place. Good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: In the chair for this weekís Just A Minute was Geraldine Jones. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.