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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and BETTY MARSDEN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 January 1969)
NOTE: Betty Marsden's last appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Betty Marsden in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you and welcome once again to Just A Minute. May I just remind you of the rules. I’m going to ask each one of them to speak in turn one some unlikely subject they know nothing about for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. I think the scoring will become obvious as we proceed so let us start this particular game with Derek Nimmo. Derek, striking a fresh acquaintance is the subject, and Just A Minute if you can talk on it starting now. DEREK NIMMO: Well what I generally do is I prepare my equipment first of all. I tend to favour a molaca cane. I take it out in the morning, make sure it’s nice and flexible. And then I go out into the street. And it’s curious you know. Every time you turn a corner, you come across a horribly fresh acquaintance. If they’re not fresh of course, then you can make them fresh by baiting with various well-chosen remarks. Having got them suitably game, them you take hold of the molaca cane and strike them several times across the face... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why? CLEMENT FREUD: Several times is repetition! NP: Very clever Clement, 29 seconds for striking a fresh acquaintance starting now. CF: I have a few acquaintances who are other than fresh so that my acquaintance has to be... easily... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged why? DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, indeed. You have a point there, you have 22 seconds for striking a fresh acquaintance starting now. DN: Well I generally join the lonely hearts club. I pay 17 and sixpence for this fun. And they put my name into a little ballot box and they pull out a chum for me. They send me a little letter and I go and meet this chum. And when I see this person, perhaps a female, I say, "hello Mary", if that happens to be your name, "how are you today?" And she said "is your name Derek?" And I say "yes". She says "how charming to meet you", and I say... WHISTLE NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went then, he gains another point. Betty Marsden, your turn to begin, and here we go. What to do when you’ve ricked your back. Will you try and talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now. BETTY MARSDEN: Well when you’ve ricked your back the very thing you must not do is attempt to lie down because this makes it very painful. Plus the fact that it is impossible to get in that position. But as one bends over as a human hairpin and the pain shoots from here up to one’s head. One finds great difficulty in even lifting an arm. Well here we are then, unable to lie down because the pain is so tremendous, unable to stand up. So the only thing one can do on this occasion is to get kind husband or a friend to undo a door, take it off its hinges and leave it in a very very difficult way but a slight angle like that... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: An angle is deviation! BM: Oh! NP: It may be deviation but it is not devious and I think therefore I am justified in giving Betty Marsden another point, it was a very clever challenge. But there are 18 seconds left for you Betty, what to do when you’ve ricked your back starting now. BM: Then... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well hesitation. NP: Hesitation... KENNETH WILLIAMS: No! NP: Sixteen seconds, Derek for what to do when you’ve ricked your back starting now. DN: I turn on my tummy immediately actually. I lie there and I put my arms out akimbo, my legs out akimbo. And then I put a little... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KW: Repetition. NP: Too much akimbo? KW: Yes! NP: Your akimbo got you in trouble there... KW: Yes. NP: Kenneth nine seconds left for you to talk about what to do when you’ve ricked your back starting now. KW: The obvious thing to do is to go straight to a bone setter, a good old fashioned man who knows his job, who indeed has got in the surgery there the actual skeleton showing... WHISTLE KW: Oh thank you! Thanks! Oh I’ve leapt into the lead haven’t I! I’ve leapt into it! NP: Alongside Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. KW: Oh! NP: Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin, dentists. Something everybody has experience about. Will you try and talk for Just A Minute starting now. CF: Dentists are members of a professional class who tend to wear white coats for a reason which I’ve never yet found out. Who do enor... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation I’m afraid. NP: Yes it was, yes. DN: What a shame! NP: Yes it was because something like that, obviously you’ve got some painful experiences of the dentist, you couldn’t go on. Fifty-one seconds Derek for dentists starting now. DN: "Open your mouth Derek old fruit," he says. I open it and there he looks at my molar. And then he produces a long nasty instrument with a needle on the end, which spins around in a particularly revolting fashion. And he plunges deep into my tooth and fills me with a most alarming horrid pain. Then he gets a little scraper, scrapes around the edges, pulls away all the stuffing from inside the mouth and so on. And then puts into it some rather nasty grey or black stuff, or if I’m feeling particularly extravagant golden stuff as well. Perhaps... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Hesitation. NP: No I don’t think so, he was in full flood. Derek Nimmo you have 15 seconds left to carry on with dentists starting now. DN: I lean back in my chair and he gives me a little glass of pink scented liquid. I swish it round in my mouth and I swallow it or spit it out in a little basin like (makes spitting noise). He takes away the little piece of paper from round my neck, throws it into the wastepaper basket. "Hello old fruit..." WHISTLE NP: Well Derek’s long discourse on his dentist, however unpleasant it may have sounded, has put him in a definite lead over the other two gentleman who are both leading Betty Marsden by two points. Kenneth Williams it’s your turn to begin, the big dipper. If you haven’t been on it, imagine you have and talk for Just A Minute starting now. KW: The big dipper can of course mean someone who dips very largely into their pocket for charity. And that is something I am not known for! On the other hand it can refer to the scenic railway. And quite recently I was asked what kind of travel I preferred, and I named this kind of travel and they put me on one for nothing! A photographer was put in the front to photograph me and I was put in the back seat, careering up and down that marvelous scenic railway at Battersea. Well I was in a state of exhiliaration I can tell you! I was screaming with joy because I love the bit when you go right down! Aaaaaaaahhhhh! Oh I was carried away! And those photographs when they came out of me on the scenic railway were a joy to behold! My mouth was wide open... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Deviation, he’s talking about his trips on the scenic railway, not the big dipper. NP: I think the big dipper is part of a, a scenic railway, I think it could be described as such. So Kenneth I’m still with you and your joy, carry on for 15 seconds, the big dipper, starting now. KW: And as I came round the last stretch, and I got off breathless, almost exhausted. The gentleman running it said to me "here are you on the telly?" ‘cause he knew my face straight away, you see. And he said "it’s unusual to see someone like you..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Deviation, talking about his chums coming up and asking for an autograph! Deviation. NP: Yes I think he’s got a little bit off the big dipper now. KW: Oh shame! Shame! NP: Derek Nimmo has two seconds left for the big dipper starting now. DN: I have a big dipper which I keep stuffed in a glass case... WHISTLE NP: The interesting thing about this game is if you manage to challenge someone just before the 60 seconds is up and take the subject over, you automatically gain a point because you manage to keep going when the whistle goes. So Derek Nimmo’s got two more points which gives him a definite lead over everybody else. KW: But you could make it up a point if you wanted to. NP: I could make it no points at all if I wanted to! KW: Oh! Well why don’t you do that? NP: That’s the power that I have Kenneth. KW: I never win! DN: Awwwww! NP: Kenneth! You’re getting all the audience sympathy. When I next appeal to them, you see what happens! Betty Marsden, it’s your turn to begin. Slang, starting now. BM: Slang, well, these are very small words used for very long words. For instance, one runs down the apples and goes down the johnny. And one pushes down the old scrumpy. And all that talk. And everybody barders you, you see, and your ekes are shining and your lallies are weak by the time you’ve pushed down all this scrumpy. And the whole thing is a language understood only by deep friends of yours to whom you’ve written small notes in this particular language. Now the word S-L-A-N-G, the one that I am speaking about is very interesting because there is a song about it called Auld Slang Syne which we use every New Years Eve for everybody’s benefit. And all those little Scottish words that, you know, we love, och and aye, they all mean something very very interesting indeed. But I can’t possibly tell you about it... WHISTLE BM: Is that true? Sixty seconds? NP: Yes, 60 seconds... BM: I can’t believe it! NP: Well done Betty Marsden. The visitor to the game, playing against the three regulars and Betty has managed to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted so I think she deserves a bonus point. Well done! It’s brought you equal with Clement Freud who’s one, you’re both one point behind Kenneth Williams who is still a little way behind Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud, Utopia. Will you talk to us if you can for 60 seconds on this subject starting now. CF: Utopia, I seem to remember, is a rather boring poem written by Sir Thomas More in about 15 hundred and 16 about an island on which all the right things happen to the right people. And the word has now been taken up in everyday language to... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation indeed. Utopia, Derek Nimmo, with 42 seconds left starting now. DN: I went to this pub in Devon you see, and I was standing against a bar. And a man came towards me, he was an old gentleman with long grey hair and a big hat and sucking a straw in his mouth.. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: All that time without Utopia. Deviation. DN: May I just ex... NP: Very rapidly, can you justify very rapidly? DN: Well he came up to me, I was standing at the bar, he said (in yokel accent) "are you Topia?" NP: All right! You have another point, you have 32 seconds left for Utopia starting now. DN: It’s what I’m always looking for. And every day when I get up in the morning, I always think "will I find Utopia today?" I never do, but I always keep trying you know. I guess one of the important things in life... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Always keeps trying! NP: Yes! DN: No it’s not repetition, is it! I only said it once! NP: It wasn’t that, it’s the implication of the word. If you always keep trying it must be repetitious. It’s a very clever challenge, I think it does deserve a point and Clement Freud again you have 25 seconds left for the subject, Utopia starting now. CF: It is now described as something which everybody’s looking for but nobody ever finds. And Cuckooland in the House of Commons is the sort of meaning that Utopia has. Look where one likes, one doesn’t find this euphoria among things that... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams, you’ve challenged. KW: Well it was either hesitation or mispronounciation. Euphora! CF: Ea! NP: Ea! I’m very sorry Kenneth, I think it was all... KW: What is the word? CF: Euphoria. NP: Well excitement... KW: Euphora! What does that mean? I’ve never heard of it! NP: When Kenneth Williams goes on a big dipper, that’s a touch of euphoria. KW: He didn’t say euphoria. NP: He did. Clement... KW: Well that’s a disgrace! You definitely hesitated, you mispronounced the word and now you’re trying to get out of it... NP: You cannot change your challenge Kenneth. There’s nine seconds left for Clement Freud to go on with Utopia starting now. CF: It is the lovely vision. The island where everything happens that should happen, where men are beautiful, where women are... winning... BUZZ NP: Betty Marsden you challenged. BM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation Betty, you have two seconds left for Utopia starting now. BM: So I went to an island... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged, why? CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. All right Clement Freud you have the subject... BM: I didn’t! NP: You have half a second Clement... BM: Hesitation! NP: ...Freud for Utopia starting now. CF: Oh yes... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: No wait a minute, no... Derek Nimmo got in first, what... DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation indeed, right, a point to Derek Nimmo, one second left for Utopia Derek starting now. DN: Hello, how are you... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin this time, my favourite pudding, starting now. KW: My favourite pudding is Christmas pudding. And the best ones I have actually are due to a recipe which my Aunt Edith has, and she makes them like a dream. Then only trouble is she does tend to put in these silver things and one or two of my fillings, once or twice, got caught on these. And I have had some very painful experiences because my feet are particularly sensitive to any metal or metallic substance coming into contact with them. Next to Christmas pudding of course there’s cabinet pudding. Now this is wane of... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you’ve challenged, why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: My favourite pudding and he’s now specified that there was another one. NP: Yes that’s perfectly correct, well done. KW: Oh yes he’s right, isn’t he. NP: So Clement Freud you have a point and you have 23 seconds for my favourite pudding starting now. CF: My favourite pudding is bread and butter pudding which is made with bread, butter, eggs, sugar, cream. You take... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation I think. NP: Hesitation indeed, 15 seconds for my favourite pudding starting now. DN: My favourite pudding is known as black pudding because of the colour that it bears. It is made from all sorts of indescribable things like congealed blood... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: It’s just made from congealed blood, not all sorts of indescribable things. DN: No, it’s other things besides blood... NP: Well you can make a blood pudding... DN: There’s skin around the outside.... NP: It depends how you make it. I’m sure yours, being a very pure black pudding would be made that way. KW: I think it’s revolting! I don’t want to sit here and listen to a load of filth! Good gracious, I think it’s disgraceful! You should rule him out! NP: Clement Freud, can you, as a cook I can’t argue with you over culinary matters, can you justify that, is it really only made.. DN: I’m sorry actually there’s skin round the outside. BM: What are those little white pieces? DN: The little white pieces... KW: Don’t go on, it’s turning me on! NP: I am not going to argue with Clement Freud over food, I’ll let the audience judge about food with Clement Freud... DN: You know it’s got skin round the outside! NP: Do you think that Derek Nimmo was correct in his description and if you do, will you cheer. And if you think he was incorrect, will you all boo, and will you all do it now. CF: Boo! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Derek Nimmo they like your black pudding better than Clement Freud’s. So you have another point, you have four seconds left for my favourite pudding starting now. DN: Well next time I have one, I’m going to share it with the audience because they’re so kind and sweet and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, why.. CF: Deviation. KW: Deviation, yes! NP: Deviation, I quite agree. Clement Freud you’ve got the point after all, you have two seconds... DN: I wasn’t deviating! NP: for my favourite pudding starting, starting, starting now. CF: Butter the bread very generously... WHISTLE NP: Well well there we are. Betty Marsden your turn to begin, my most unforgettable character starting now. BM: His name was Mr Morrison, Rover Morrison. He was called after dogs because he was a veterinary surgeon... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, what’s it got to do with dogs? BM: A veterinary surgeon! NP: Well he... KW: Called after dogs! I never heard... BM: He was called, he was called Rover Morrison! NP: Have you never called after a dog "oooh ooh Rover"? No I’m sorry, he was a muddy, he sounds a very unforgettable character to me Kenneth. I’m very sorry but... don’t look so hurt please! Betty has another point, she has 53 seconds left for my most unforgettable character starting now. BM: A vetinary surgeon, Rover Morrison... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Repetition. NP: My most unforgettable character, Kenneth, 50 seconds, 50 seconds starting now. KW: My most unforgettable character is the character that came up to me in a hotel and said "would you come over here and help me, because I’m out here for the waters?" And I said "what do you mean the waters?" And he said "I broke my leg and I’ve come here for the waters, they’re thermal..." BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, why... DN: Well we’ve had the waters three times. NP: Yes we’ve had a bit too much... KW: I think I’ve had them! NP: Derek Nimmo it’s your turn now with 20, 35 seconds for my most unforgettable character starting now. DN: I met him first of all 45 kilometres outside Addis Adaba. I was walking down a little gully and there at the end of this little road I saw a man with a green hat on and fur... right round his... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, yes, 21 seconds Clement, my most unforgettable character starting now. CF: My most unforgettable character came up to me in the Odeon Theatre in Leicester Square and said "look at me well for a long time, watch my nose, my eyes and my ears because I want you to remember me for the rest of your life". And I looked at him most carefully and said "yes you beautiful specimen of humanity, never have I seen anyone as remarkably accurately.." BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Oh no Derek challenged just before... DN: There was a hesitation there which just spoilt it for Mr Freud, a hesitation. Never mind! Never mind! NP: Well tried Derek Nimmo, you’re in the lead... DN: So what do I do? NP: You’re in the lead and you can afford to be magnanimous... DN: My subject’s unforgettable character. Now my... NP: Derek you’re trying very hard but you’re trying too hard. I’m afraid that Clement Freud has another point for that challenge with one second left, the most unforgettable character starting now. CF: Goodness me! WHISTLE NP: Well I said you could afford to be generous Derek, because in spite of that little bit extra that Clement Freud got he’s still in second place. And Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, automatic dishwashers. Will you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now. CF: The point about making a dish water automatic... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: I’m afraid an awfully unfortunate hesitation. NP: It was unfortunate. CF: Hesitation? DN: Well you know... KW: And alliteration, hardly hesitation. CF: It was a very fluent fluff! DN: A fluff! CF: You couldn’t call that... NP: Yes well all right, your fluff gets Derek Nimmo a point on this definite occasion and he definitely gets a point on this occasion, and there are 51 seconds for automatic dishwashers Derek starting now. DN: I’ve been married 13 years and ever since that moment I’ve become an automatic dishwasher... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation. NP: Why do you think it’s deviation? KW: Deviation, being married is nothing to do with dish washing. NP: Kenneth Williams, if you were married, you’d know how essential it was for any married man to have an automatic dishwasher. In fact most husbands are automatic dishwashers! So Derek Nimmo, automatic dishwashers starting now. DN: I bought this particular machine at a well-known general store. I climbed three flights of stairs, met a man in a white jacket who was terribly kind and showed me the way to the part where I could buy one. And I said "could I have please an automatic dishwasher?" He said "I would be delighted to serve you sir, I would be absolutely thrilled to sell you one of these machines." So I said "can I take it away with me?" He said "of course, why not! Why not!" So I gave him my cheque... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: Why not, why not, I really did... NP: Oh very clever. All right Clement Freud, 25 seconds for automatic dishwashers starting now. CF: You put the soap in at one end and a number of brushes and lathers revolve around the teacups and saucers and a small basket filled with silverware... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: Boring! Very very boring! NP: But alas accurate. That means Clement Freud has another point and there are 17 seconds for automatic dishwashers Clement starting now. CF: There’s a special compartment that takes glasses and wares of any kind like that, some of it in crystal and much of it goes dirty at one end and comes out clean at the other. Because this is why it is awfully good. My mother had one... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. He was grinding to a terrible halt, I... NP: He may be... DN: All this awful dreariness, this slobbering on, dreary words, humbling so very... NP: Derek I disagree. He may have bene getting terribly dreary sounding, but he was keeping going, alas. DN: Only just! KW: I was throbbing! Mmmmm! NP: Yes! KW: I love all that! NP: And you were sitting next to him, weren’t you. KW: Yes! NP: There are three seconds left for automatic dishwashers starting now. CF: An uncle gave one of these machines to an aunt... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin, things I keep under my bed. That is the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of for you to talk upon for Just A Minute starting now. KW: The things I keep under my bed I only keep there on certain occasions. That is to say they are not there permanently. If I have the flu then I do tend to have the box of tissues underneath the bed handy with the cough mixture or whatever medicine I happen to be taking at the time. On the other hand I frequently do have under the bed an alarm clock. Now the reason I have the alarm clock underneath the bed as opposed to a table beside the bed is because I haven’t got a table beside the bed! When the alarm has to wake me in the morning... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you... CF: Three alarms. NP: You’re definitely right, there are three alarms there. So Clement you have the subject, you have 26 seconds for the things I keep under my bed starting now. CF: The most predominant thing I keep under my bed is a carpet which is of hair.. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, how can a carpet predominate? NP: You obviously haven’t seen Clement Freud’s carpet! Clement Freud you have another point, 21 seconds for things I... CF: Huge bulging angry carpet that preminates all over the bed... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Repetition, we’ve had the carpet twice. NP: That’s indeed right, yes. Derek Nimmo you have another point... CF: Watch out Nimmo! NP: ... you have 17 seconds for the things I keep under my bed starting now. DN: I have under my bed, this is absolutely true, a wonderful Victorian Chinese potty... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: There was a hesitation before his potty, I’m not surprised! DN: One always hesitates before one’s potty! KW: It’s a disgrace! All that congealed blood and now potties! I think it’s disgraceful! I haven’t come here to listen to all this! NP: Twelve seconds Clement Freud for you, things I keep under my bed, starting now. CF: I was recently given a medicine chest by my wife which was placed under the bed which was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: I’m afraid he said bed again, you see. That’s three times he said bed, you see. NP: The things I keep under my bed, yes but that does come in the title of the subject, so I think... DN: You’re allowed it three times, are you? NP: There are seven seconds, eight seconds, for things I keep under my bed Clement Freud starting now. CF: And a thermometer is the most exciting thing that there is in the medicine chest. A beautiful mercury instrument which starts at 96... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Betty Marsden you challenged just as the thing went, why? BM: Deviation. NP: Why? BM: He was talking about what was inside his medicine chest, not what’s under the bed. NP: Well done Betty, you have another... CF: The medicine chest was under the bed! BM: I know but you went on and on about what was in the medicine chest! NP: You’re trailing a lot Betty, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt with another point and one second left for things I keep under my bed starting now. BUZZ BM: Things! NP: Clement Freud you got in first, why? CF: Hesitation. NP: Well done! Half a second, half a second for things that I keep under my bed starting now. CF: Toothbrush... WHISTLE BUZZ NP: I’m afraid that was it definitely... So let me mention first of all that Betty Marsden and Kenneth Williams were both third together. They both did I thought very well, particularly Betty who hasn’t played the game as often. Derek Nimmo was a very good second but this week’s winner by two points was Clement Freud. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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