JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,LBartlett
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and LUCY BARTLETT, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 February 1969)

NOTE: Lucy Bartlett's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Lucy Bartlett in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. To remind you of the rules in case you may not remember them, we sometimes donít. Every person here must speak on some unlikely subject I will give them for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And this way they will gain points or lose them and this we hope will become obvious as we play the game. And Derek Nimmo, let us this week begin with you. Derek the subject is dogwatch. Will you try and speak on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My favourite one really is the poodle pump. I often think this really is the most useful one in many ways. What you do you see is you strap it on to the left foreleg and so that the poodle can see it when it turns its head towards this particular instrument. Another kind of course is the alsation... pawclog...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. As I have upheld your challenge, that means you gain a point, you have 37 seconds left for dogwatch starting now.

CF: This is a naval term signifying something you do in front of a mast...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, itís got nothing to do with it!

NP: It sounded extremely devious, I quite agree!

CF: Quite right!

NP: All right, dogwatch back to you Derek Nimmo, and there are 34 seconds left starting now.

DN: Itís a split watch actually of two hours between 4.00...

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett you challenged.

LUCY BARTLETT: Well I thought he hesitated but...

NP: Youíre quite right, I quite agree with you, he did hesitate. Lucy you have 37, 30 seconds left for dogwatch starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, but it was totally unfair. She has just joined us, sheís just about to move her mouth for the first time. So Lucy has a point and she carries on...

DN: Sheís just getting one because sheís pretty!

NP: And a jolly good reason for doing it as well. Lucy, the dogwatch, 29 seconds starting now.

LB: The dogwatch is something that you buy in a childrenís er shop...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, indeed that time. Derek there are 26 seconds for dogwatch starting now.

DN: Itís two hours, you see, when the normal watch is four hours long, right, itís between 4.00...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, weíve never had so many hesitations in one round before! Twenty-two seconds for dogwatch Dement, er Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Many people would argue that giving a watch to a dog is a pointless exercise. But this is not in fact so because dogs need to know the time quite as much as anybody else. A poodle on regular feeds every six hours would have no idea when to take his meals unless another animal of the same sort had a watch which had...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Well too many watches Iím afraid.

NP: Yes thatís right, yes indeed there were, far too many watches there. Two seconds left for dogwatch Derek starting now.

DN: And the second one is between 6.00 and 8.00...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went which told us that 60 seconds are up, he gains another point which puts him in the lead after the end of the first round. Kenneth Williams has yet to score...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Ah but wait! Just wait!

NP: Weíre waiting eagerly Kenneth. Itís your turn to begin this time...

KW: Oh!

NP: And something I think that youíve managed to do on this particular game. The subject is how I get my own way. Would you try and talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now.

KW: Well as funny as it may seem, I donít always get my own way because I am particularly selfless kind of person. But I do know how to get my own way on certain occasions. Now take the example of when two people are consulting the list and one says "now Iíd like to do so-and-so tonight" and you say "no I donít want to do that". The thing to do is when they say "Iíd like to do so-and-so", you say "oh (drawing out words) all right, if you want to". And they say... donít you think itís...

BUZZ


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

KW: You say "yeah itís (drawing out words) all right, I suppose..."

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you Kenneth.

CF: Hesitation.

KW: The hesitation was quite deliberate! I was showing you!

NP: However deliberate it may be, it was still a hesitation.

KW: Well I think thatís disgraceful!

NP: Clement Freud has a point, he has 31 seconds for how I get my own way starting now.

CF: I hit people! I find this is by far the best way! And if they try in any way to prevent me from having it as I want it, I get a stick and I beat them about the head and the face, causing them grievious bodily harm. And I find this is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Mispronunciation, he said grievious, thereís no such word.

NP: Well I thought you were going to challenge him for, for, for deviation.

KW: Deviation yes, thatís right.

NP: Kenneth, 16 seconds, how I get my own way starting now.

KW: This occurred with me in Venice and I said I wanted to see this church, St Marks, and they said no, they wanted a gondolier ride. So I pushed them right into the canal! And it was rather funny actually because theyíd always been singing this song about walking in Venice where you do fall into the canal and youíre walking...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Repetition, two canals.

NP: Yes there were a lot of the canals, it was very odd, wasnít it. Um two seconds for how I get my own way Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: I crawl towards the person fawning...

WHISTLE

NP: As Derek Nimmo got in just before the whistle, he gained not only one point for his challenge but one point when the whistle went. Clement Freud it is your turn to begin, what to tell the children about the birds and the bees. A subject that weíve all talked about at different times but Clement can you talk now for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The best thing to do in this case is to take your children to see a film in which the most Swedish and sexual things take place. Whenever you get...

BUZZ

NP: Clement... Kenneth Williams, why have you...

KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with birds and bees! Films and sex!

NP: I just think it sounds very devious Kenneth, I quite agree. They, those films are devious and there are 50 seconds left for you to talk about what to tell the children about the birds and the bees starting now.

KW: You tell the children about the birds and the bees quite simply by going out with them and demonstrating! Show them, show them the beehives and show them the birds. And the best way to show them the birds is by being a tree yourself. Stick a load of branches in you and make yourself look like a tree, and then stand absolutely still. And then the birds come right up to you, and eat out of your hand. Iíve had Ďem, eating out of my hand...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why...

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of out of his hand. You got so carried away! You shouldnít have had so much in your hand, should you? Clement Freud, what to tell the children about the birds and the bees, there are 20 seconds left, 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Coming back from the cinema I say to my children "you remember what those nasty people on the screen did? Well the birds and bees do roughly the same sort of thing." And the children say "well thank you very much, weíve always wondered how they went about it..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I donít think so, no no no no, it was debateable but I donít think so. Clement Freud there are four seconds for what to tell the children about the birds and the bees starting now.

CF: I also tell then the colour of the birds and the bees. These I tell them are black and gold and fly about making a small buzzing noise whereas the birds are any sort of colour and have a beak...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has now crept up after that round, heís only one point behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Derek, my favourite sport. Would you try and talk for 60 seconds on this subject starting now.

DN: My favourite sport is Clement Freud. What a jolly old sport he is, I say! Often I see him you know out in the park running along, in rather nasty long pants and a striped vest with number seven on the back on a summerís morning. And heís running down the road. I say "what a playful fellow he is, what an awfully jolly old sport". Sometimes I see him stop there, leap on to a horse because heís full of all sorts of sporting activities. He rides you know, he rides terribly well...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Repetition, heís riding.

NP: Yes. More than once. Clement Freud, 34 seconds for my favourite sport starting now.

CF: My favourite sport is riding which will surprise you a great deal. One needs a horse, a saddle, bridle, stirups and the sort of clothes which the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed yes, 23 seconds for my favourite sport starting now.

DN: My favourite sport is crown bowling...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I am his favourite sport.

DN: If I may say, there are two meanings to the word sport.

NP: Yes yes well all right Derek, I think the audience has well established it for us. They think that was a good challenge, a justified one. Clement Freud, 20 seconds...

DN: Oh!

NP: Twenty seconds for my favourite sport starting now.

CF: The great thing about riding is that it gets you fit and strengthens your leg muscles. It was a brisk walk that the man said "I sprang to the stirrups and Jorrocks and he, I galloped, he galloped, he galloped, all three..."

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, itís completely untrue.

NP: You could have had him for repetition of the galloped.

KW: Oh but I wasnít going for that.

NP: Well itís bad luck!

KW: Dirk galloped...

NP: Iím sorry itís still Clement Freud, there are seven seconds left for my favourite sport Clement starting now.

CF: Horse racing is a fant...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Horse, too many horses.

NP: Yes heís had a lot of horse, bad the horse and there are six seconds for you Derek, my favourite sport starting now.

DN: I jump on to Clement Freudís back, dig my spirs into his thighs, put my whip above my head...

BUZZ

NP: No, no, Clement Freud challenged first, why?

CF: Too much Clement Freud! He said it three times!

NP: Well done! Well done!

DN: I must...

NP: Clement Freud you gain a point for your...

DN: I must wholeheartedly agree, there is too much! Very willing to lose a point to such a good cause!

NP: All right, Clement Freud to Clement Freud, youíve gained a point, you have one second left for my favourite sport starting now.

CF: Spirs are ab...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud and his favourite sport and others favourite sports have taken him to a lead. Heís now three in front of last roundís winner Derek Nimmo. Lucy Bartlett it is your turn to begin. Tatting. Can you talk for 60 seconds on this subject starting now.

LB: Tatting is a very very favourite word these days with people. I think they slightly abuse it and they overuse it. If you really want to know what it means, it means a lot of old ladies in the... north of France who took a piece of... silk...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation, I didnít want to do it either really, I wanted to let it go by...

NP: None of us wanted to do it but still sheíll come back again Iím sure.

DN: Yes.

NP: There are 45 seconds for tatting Derek Nimmo which youíre going to talk about starting now.

DN: Well I take my needle in my right hand and I get a cotton in my left hand and I thread the silk through the needle. And then I poke it into a piece of material which I have in front of me and embroider the most beautiful delectable patterns. Sometimes peacocks, sometimes hens, sometimes little sheep...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud.

CF: Sometimes.

NP: Repetition of sometimes, I quite agree yes. Clement you have another point, you have 27 seconds for tatting starting now.

CF: Many people feel that tatting is the art of seeing Jacques Tati in the maximum number of films. And this is a very good definition of the word, because the actor is a very great comedian, a Frenchman I admit. A man who is a foreigner to us but...

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett why have you challenged?

LB: Heís talking about Jacques Tattie, not tatting.

NP: Yes he was, but he did establish that in his own mind this is what tatting is. But I think I must unfortunately be fair and give it to Clement Freud. Iím very sorry Lucy. So there are 12 seconds left for tatting Clement Freud starting now.

CF: But there are people who feel that the word means something to do with material, embroidery. Taking old clothes around from house to house, getting people to purchase it, which of course...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud itís your turn to begin this time, other peopleís manners, 60 seconds, would you try and talk on that subject starting now.

CF: They are quite extraordinary, other peopleís manners. My manners are exemplary. But look across the desk at a man called Nimmo, Derek Nimmo. And you will have some idea of the depth to which other peopleís manners can sink. I have this man kick elderly women and children. I have seen him fleece orphans. I have seen him accept presents without saying please or thank you, which I think is about as bottomless a pit as one can sink into. But when I talk about other peopleís manners, one should not forget that there are people possibly even ill-mannerder than Derek Nimmo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged at last?

DN: Repetition, too many Derek Nimmoes.

NP: As you werenít allowed...

CF: There couldnít be too many Derek Nimmoes!

NP: So you sadly find in your... Derek Nimmo, there were alas, too many of you. So there are 16 seconds for you to talk on other peopleís manners starting now.

DN: Little Carlton in Lincolnshire is my favourite other personís manor. Great Cartsholton which is near Southampton is another of my more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you...

KW: Itís nowhere near Southampton! Disgraceful!

NP: Kenneth Williamsí knowledge of geography gains him a point and there are five seconds Kenneth for you to talk on other peopleís manners starting now.

KW: Other peopleís manners sometimes do afront us with their strangeness but then theyíre foreign...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams the audience are with you! Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin, waiting for the phone.. I must explain that Derek Nimmoís writing something. The subject is waiting for the phone to ring starting now.

DN: What I do when Iím waiting for the phone to ring is to lie on my back on a green silken ground with a hookah in my mouth. And on my big toe I place very carefully, itís a rather difficult thing to do, four doves, one upon another. The first one is a red one, the second blue, the third green. I then toss them into the air and they fall on the ground, shuffling all over the place. They make an awful mess, itís quite fun to watch really. Another thing I do while Iím waiting for the phone to ring is to sing childrenís lullabies. (sings) Rockabye baby, on the treetop. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition, two rocks.

NP: Well done Clement Freud, 17 seconds for waiting for the phone to ring Clement Freud starting now.

CF: Itís a very negative thing to do. And the best thing if you are able to pass your time away in doing this is (starts to laugh)

BUZZ

KW: (laughs) You fell into it! You fell into the same slough that I did! Yes!

CF: Not the slough that you...

KW: Yes!

NP: He fell aside yes...

CF: Not the slough...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Has 10 seconds for the subject of waiting for the phone to ring starting now.

DN: Sometimes I er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well fluff, hesitation, call it what you will!

NP: Yes, something. You have a point Kenneth, you have eight seconds for waiting for the phone to ring starting now.

KW: Invariably I find myself doodling! I get out a pencil and paper and I just doodle. I do lovely little drawings...

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett why did you challenge?

LB: Double doodle.

NP: Yes so you did, you doodled too much there Kenneth, Iím terribly sorry. So your double doodle gives Lucy a point and thereís one second Lucy for waiting for the telephone to ring starting now.

LB: I do rather disgusting...

WHISTLE

NP: Lucy it is your turn to begin, getting my high heel caught in the pavement starting now.

LB: Getting my high heel caught in the pavement is something I havenít done for a very long time. Because these days high heels are not high heels or otherwise stilleto heels, theyíre very flat and round. So many years ago I was walking down Oxford Street in my elder sisterís high heeled shoes. I was rather embarrassed about having them because I wasnít supposed to be wearing them. I came to a level crossing and er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation and deviation. A level crossing, not... (starts to laugh)

NP: So Clement Freud you take over the subject now, getting my high heel caught in the pavement. Would you like to talk on that subject, Iíll tell you how many seconds, 37 seconds for that subject starting now.

CF: Getting my high heels caught in the pavement is something that seldom happens because Iím usually arrested as soon as I put on my high heeled shoes! The policeman comes along and says "prior to stepping off the road onto the pavement I have to inform you that you are behaving in a manner liable to cause a breach of the peace." "Unhand me," I say to the policeman...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have...

KW: This is all to do with interviewing policeman, itís got nothing to do with getting your high heel caught in the pavement!

NP: Itís very devious, isnít it. There we are, so you can take over the subject for us Kenneth now, getting my high heel caught in the pavement Kenneth starting now.

KW: On one occasion when I had to wear these nylons and a pair of very high heeled shoes, it was in this sketch with Double Double Double Double Danderson...

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett why did you challenge?

LB: Well because itís nothing to do with getting it caught in the pavement.

NP: You mean that Double Double was a repetition?

LB: Well I thought it was...

NP: Yes Double Doubleís repetition, well done Lucy, 10 seconds, another point to you, for getting my high heel caught in the pavement starting now.

LB: The last time I got my high heel caught in the pavement was extremely embarrassing because there was a whole army behind me of soldiers. They all...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! No no no no. Two seconds for getting my high heel caught in the pavement starting now.

LB: So these soldiers said to me...

WHISTLE

KW: Weíll never know what those soldiers said to her!

NP: No but sheís gained another point, sheís catching up but Clement Freud is still in a definite lead over Derek Nimmo whoís leading the other two. Kenneth itís your turn to begin this round... donít look like that! The subjectís gambling and 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Gambling is unquestionably evil. There are no two ways about this and I donít think that any religious body would oppose me in arguing on that score. It is a way whereby people imagine that by laying down something small, they will get back something big! And thatís why itís a disgrace, because all of life is about that only virtue and the long way round is the right way round! There is no shortcut to good fortune. And very often you think that youíre going to get some shortcut to good fortune, Iím here to tell you that youíre very much mistaken! And I think that when this Government....

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett Iím afraid challenged you, Kenneth. Iím awfully sorry to stop you becaise we were enjoying it. Lucy whatís your challenge?

LB: Um I think itís deviation...

NP: It was deviation, it was repetition and it was absolutely everything I thought. Lucy you have now 21 seconds for gambling starting now.

LB: Gambolling is something much more romantic. Itís something that lambs do in the spring. Theyíre there...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Alas it was, she was so overcome by her sudden inspiration that she lost the point. Fourteen seconds for gambling Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: "Please may I put two pounds each way on little Buttercup?" "Yes," says the man, "how awfully kind of you to place your bet." And I say "I always do, I always come here every time this year over to Woodward because itís one of my favourite racing grounds. Twenty shillings for...

WHISTLE

NP: Well what an interesting state of play weíre at. Derek Nimmo and Clement freud are neck and neck, and this is the last round. How to be perfectly happy, what a good subject for such a last round. Will you talk on this subject Clement Freud please, starting now.

CF: The best way to become perfectly happy is to eradicate from your life every vestige of unhappiness that might lie therein. You examine yourself most carefully and say "what nasty difficulties do I have which weigh heavily on my poor brain?"

BUZZ

NP: Lucy Bartlett you challenged.

LB: Well he hesitated.

NP: Yes he did, yes indeed. Yes.

CF: And lost!

NP: And you have a point there and he who hesitates is lost in this game. Forty-two seconds for you Lucy on how to be perfectly happy starting now.

LB: The best way to be perfectly happy is to be perfectly sane and normal. Be very kind to your friends, eat an awful lot of food...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Well perfect happiness is nothing to do with sane nor normality. A lot of idiots are perfectly happy!

NP: Speaking personally I quite agree Kenneth! Thirty-four seconds for how to be perfectly happy Kenneth starting now.

KW: The only way to be perfectly happy is of course to be only present in the conscious sense. That is to say to have no past sense, no fore sense.

BUZZ

KW: Only to be living in the...

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Three senses.

NP: Oh yes there were a lot of them...

KW: Does it matter? It was so lovely!

NP: Loveliness doesnít come into this game, itís cut and thrust...

KW: Oh I was just getting worked up! Cut off there I was yes in my...

NP: In your prime! All right, how to be perfectly happy Clement starting now.

CF: Go around to all your friends and beg them to love you. Love me you say in order...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Too many mes.

NP: Love me yes...

CF: No, love you, love me.

NP: There were too many loves werenít there?

CF: He said me!

DN: There were two mes.

NP: Iíll ask the audience, the game is neck and neck, I cannot come between these two men. Do you think that Derek Nimmoís challenge was justified, too many mes. If you think it was, will you cheer. If you think it wasnít justified, will you boo and will you all do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The boos have it, Clement Freud you have a point, how to be perfectly happy, 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: And so my dear friends gather round and say you really are a perfectly super chap. And I become enormously happy, in fact perfectly happy. But there are other ways of reaching this. You can go to the milkman and say "dear milkman, fond of you as I am, it would be of enormous advantage to me if you could leave three pints..."

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, why?

DN: I was just counting up the number of enormouses actually. Repetition, too many enormous.

NP: Too many enormouses.

DN: Enormously happy, enormous... satisfaction..

KW: The milkman was enormously...

NP: Enormous milkman... Kenneth you usually support your friend on that side of...

KW: I love him really! I do! I love him! I do! Iíll make him perfectly happy! I could do it!

NP: So Derek... Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud, I should say, are announcing their engagement at the end of the series. But right now Kenneth has helped Derek to gain another point, because thereís one second left for how to be perfectly happy Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: How to be perfectly happy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I think, seeing the way that Derek and Clement Freud played the game, I think the final result is fully justified. They are both equal. Let me first of all mention though that Kenneth Williams was in fourth place. Lucy Bartlett came up with a final score that didnít manage to get anywhere near the winners. She was a very good second but our winners with a clear lead were Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud equal.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.