JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JBrown
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JANET BROWN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 December 1976)



THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Janet Brown, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: So Janetís going to do battle with Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones, and try and talk, as the others will for Just A Minute on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. So letís start the programme with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth as youíre in such ebullient mood will you take the subject of me, and talk on it for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well this covers a multitude of syntheses or synthetics which is of course goodbye in any language. And I arrive in the early morn and don the raincoat which is called Raglan and I think immediately of that great commander in the Crimea whose memory is never far from my thoughts. And then my wee cap on my head and Iím off. And my walk has been immortalised in those famous words, "he goes down the Strand with his gloves in his hand and comes back again with it off". And everyone knows me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: Whatís the matter now?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: What have you challenged me about Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: Two... there were two offs.

NP: Yes. You went off, and you said off twice so that was repetition...

KW: I think heís just trying to get in when the timeís almost up! You know what I mean! After Iíve flogged myself to death, I think heís just trying to get in on that little moment, donít you?

NP: No, youíve only gone for two thirds of a minute. Clement you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of me, and there are 20 seconds left, strating now.

CF: Given a free choice between do re me fa sol la ti, I would choose me every time. Specifically because I canít tell me from us and often confuse it with them, especially on a Sunday afternoon in Autumn because when the sun shines and the moon is waiting to come on cue...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud using great devious verbal skill kept going until the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up and as you know whoever speaks then gets the extra point. It was Clement Freud who is the only one to have scored at the end of that round. Janet Brown, will you take the second round and the subject that Ian Messiter has thought up is elastic. So will you talk about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JANET BROWN: Nickers! I feel that this is a subject very close to my heart and probably to all the women in the audience and particularly to them who are listening to me at this very moment. Because I feel that this particular thing....

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, she said itís close to her heart, if nickers.... I mean if nickers are close to her heart sheís wearing her corsets around her ankles!

JB: I do!

NP: I think, I think thatís a lovely challenge and itís only right that we should give him a point and the subject, so....

JB: Why? Does he wear nickers?

NP: Elastic garters I believe but weíll soon hear about it. There are 44 seconds left Kenneth and the subjectís elastic starting now.

KW: Elastic is something which should be avoided by anyone who wants a healthy constitution because it definitely interferes with the circulation of the blood and that is the most worse thing you could do! I mean always be free! Feel free! Throw yourself about!

BUZZ

KW: Let it all hang out!

NP: Janet Brown has challenged.

JB: He repeated himself...

NP: Yes he did...

JB: Feel free...

NP: Free yes, he was too free there! So Janet you got in very rapidly again, a correct challenge. And there are 34 seconds left, elastic, starting now.

JB: I remember one occasion in a theatre when I had to appear at a matinee performance. It was a particular occasion when...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of particular.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you were particular Janet and 27 seconds are left and Peter Jones has got in and the subjectís elastic starting now.

PJ: Pants, girdles, braces, bras, suspenders! There must be a lot of people who would just enjoy me repeating those words....

BUZZ

PJ: .... on the radio indefinitely but Iím not allowed to do that in this game...

NP: Kenneth, Iím sorry Peter but Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

PJ: What about?

KW: Deviation. Youíre using a lot of subjects dear but the subject is elastic, itís not those subjects, you see, so Iím afraid youíre deviating.

PJ: Elastic....

NP: Iím sorry....

PJ: Elastic is woven into all those garments!

KW: How do you know?

PJ: Because Iíve studied the catalogues!

NP: You see how much of their true life comes out in this game! Peter I disagree with Kennethís challenge because elastic as you said so aptly it is woven into them and you werenít deviating. You have 20 seconds left having gained a point for a wrong challenge to continue on elastic starting now.

PJ: But the most fun I ever got out of elastic is when I bought a yard of thick rubber elastic and I got a piece of wood which was y-shaped and I fastened one end of each piece of elastic to it and then to the other end ...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two ends.

PJ: No, one end! Then the other end! One end to each of the pieces of wood and then the other ends, you see.

NP: Youíre wriggling and Iím not going to allow it! Clement, you...

PJ: I donít know why Iím excluded from wriggling. Everybody else is allowed to!

NP: Six seconds are left Clement, elastic, starting now.

CF: In the lonely summer evenings I like to look at my sweat band...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point. But on the round of elastic they all gained some points and the situation is Clement Freud followed by Peter Jones and then Janet Brown and Kenneth Williams equal. And Peter Jones will you begin the next round. The subject: giraffes. will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Theyíre really delightful creatures, designed by nature to eat from trees, thatís why theyíve got such long necks. Theyíre brown and cream and just a few hundred yards from where I live there is a giraffe house in Regents Park and there you can see their heads peeping out of the upper floor which is specially constructed to house them. And they have a marvelous time there. Theyíre thrown these bits of leaf and twig, fruit and what not... Are you doing something to, er, suffocate me? What?

NP: Keep going! keep going!

PJ: Oh keep going? Yes! Well er theyíre very difficult to photograph giraffes, because if youíre in an aeroplane the head is much nearer than the rest of the giraffe so a lot of it is out of focus inevitably because you canít. And then if youíre on a level with a giraffe itís often moving so fast that it is extremely difficult to get it...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown has challenged.

JB: He repeated the word difficult.

NP: Damn difficult not to I thought!

PJ: Yes I think I did, yes, yes.

NP: Yes Iím afraid Janet got in on the repetition with six seconds to go and the subjectís diraffes... diraffes? Giraffes! Janet starting now.

JB: I always feel extremely sorry for the giraffe. Itís a very beautiful creature but just think for a moment what must happen when it...

WHISTLE

NP: What must happen?

KW: Think for a moment what happens what?

JB: Well when it starts to eat it must be cold by the time it gets down to where itís going to be!

PJ: And eating isnít the only problem! Iím surprised there are so many giraffes about!

NP: That is one of those thoughts that is slowly running around the audience! Clement weíre with you to begin. The subject is argument. Something we never have in this programme Iím sure! Will you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: An argument is normally a verbal battle between two people. But if you buy cheap books of poetry they also tend to have the word argument meaning nothing much more difficult than a prťcis of the verse which theyíre about to expound. So in the margin either on the left or the right of the page which could be vellum paper or whatever else you see in print which tends to be Gothic but could be Italic...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I think he repeated tends. He said it tends to have...

NP: Oh tends! Oh yes, t-e-n-d-s, I thought it was t-e-n-s, I thought it was numbers. Iím sorry Peter. Tends, yes, he did repeat tends and there are 33 seconds left for...

PJ: How long did you say?

NP: Thirty-three seconds.

PJ: Thirty-three seconds.

NP: The subject is argument and you start now.

PJ: Nothing really more stimulating to the intellectual mind, highly developed academic than a really high pitched argument with emotion running very high and with it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Two highs.

NP: Yes...

CF: Or is he back on the giraffes?

NP: There are 23 seconds Clement on argument starting now.

CF: Yes I did go down to the shops in order to purchase a Bath bun. No you did not, you proceeded to the store...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that and 14 seconds are left for argument Peter starting now.

CF: My heart wasnít in it!

PJ: And it might... What? What was that?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! As that was one upmanship of the most devious kind....

PJ: Of course it was, he was muttering while I was speaking!

NP: I will, yes I know, he could put you off completely, I wonít charge any points for that Peter....

CF: What?

NP: I wonít charge anything, you put him off rotten! Rotten the way you did!

CF: Itís never been done before has it?

NP: No but it, we enjoyed it but Iím not going to give any points for it. so there are 11 seconds for Peter to continue with argument starting now.

PJ: Yes you did buy a Bath bun. No I didnít because I wasnít there and didnít have a penny. With the result that the child goes back...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Bath buns donít cost a penny!

PJ: But they usually....

CF: Nothing costs a penny!

PJ: But they used to you see....

CF: Thereís hardly anything you can do for a penny.

NP: Of course that is the point. They did at one time cost a penny and ....

CF: Oh he was talking in the past was he?

NP: Well he can talk in the past, the present or the future in Just A Minute. It doesnít really matter.

CF: Interesting!

NP: So I donít think he was deviating from the subject of argument. Whether the Bath bun was a penny or not itís deviation from the subject and he wasnít deviating in that case. And there are two seconds left Peter, argument, starting now.

PJ: Fifty years from now Daddy this Bath bun....

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones kept going well in that round and also was speaking when the whistle went, he gained a number of points and heís taken the lead now, one ahead of Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams back with you to start and the subject we have this week for you is Ivan the Terrible. So will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well in the books they do list four great Ivans. And I suppose Ivan the Terrible does come in for a considerable amount of notoriety. Because though the others were really dukes he was the first to call himself Czar of all the Russias. And flew into those appalling great rages and massacred loads of voyeurs, and took over Astrakhan, and Siberia. In one of these appalling moods he actually flew his own son and it is said Lackaday and rue that he died regretting it! Parallel of course to him was our...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course. A small thing but...

NP: A small thing and he was going so well! And we were finding such interest... But still that was a correct challenge and no doubt Kenneth will recover from the disappointment in time and there are 16 seconds for you. So 16 seconds Clement on Ivan the Terrible starting now.

CF: Ivan the Terrible was one of the two films the local cinema in Toch Ness bought outright when I was at school in those parts. The other one being Oh What A Lovely Day with Jessie Matthews. So one easily could tell one from the other.

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud has regained the lead at the end of that round and janet Brown itís your turn to begin. The subject is how I enjoy myself. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: I find this a very difficult question to answer because I find... oooh! And I...

BUZZ

JB: Donít take it! I...

NP: Oh you shouldnít have drawn attention to it. Kenneth Williams decided to challenge. Clemmesh whatís your rotten challenge?

KW: What on earth is happening to your diction? You called me Chennish! Have you had a few?

NP: What?

KW: Have you had a few?

NP: Iím just a bit tired.

KW: I see. Age catches up with us all!

NP: I know it does!

CF: Very good of you to come here!

NP: Kenneth....

KW: Yes I challenged because I thought there was a hint of the wee hesitation there, did you not think?

NP: There was more than a hint of a wee hesitation, there was a very positive hesitation. And the wee hen on the left has lost the subject and youíve gained it love! And youíve got 54 seconds to tell us about how I enjoy myself starting now.

KW: Well of course itís delightful to have the lemon cordial and the fags on the terrace! Really quite ritzy! With playing, say in the background, a little Chopin or even a touch of the Manhattan with the old Cole Porter disc going on the 78 like this. But as almost revealing a period charm one envisages those large bonnets and huge great chromium lamps on the early models like van der Bilt and Parker and Deshovet and DuPont. All nostalgically romantically delightful! And I sit there with a bag of peanuts thinking oh how beautiful...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of oh.

NP: I call that a rotten mean challenge and I wonít allow it!

PJ: Well I thought he had to be stopped somehow or other.

NP: It was all so delightfully romantically nonsense that Iím going to let you continue Kenneth, nine seconds, how I enjoy myself, starting now.

KW: And another way is to get the knee rug tightly wrapped around me, and then a favourite book produced from a nearby shelf...

BUZZ

NP: So Kenneth Williams did very well in that round and he gained the extra point for speaking as the whistle went, and heís now in third place, one ahead of Janet Brown and quite a few behind Peter Jones whoís still one behind our leader Clement Freud. And itís his turn to begin the next round. Clement, the subject is the most amazing thing I know. So will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The most amazing thing I know is that this is Send A Sick Bison to a Junior Minister Week. And judging from the reaction of the people in this audience it is also the most amazing thing they know or possibly didnít because there was a look of complete amazement on the faces, especially on the lady whoís asleep in the fifth row. This sort of information...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams....

KW: I beg your pardon, that was inadvertent.

NP: Inadvertent?

KW: Iím sorry, inadvertent.

NP: Inadvertent.

KW: It was inadvertent, Iím awfully sorry.

PJ: He gets a point...

KW: How many times do I have to apologise?

NP: I just would like to know what was inadvertent, the buzz or...

KW: The buzz!

NP: Oh if the buzz was then itís a point to Clement Freud.

KW: Thatís right.

NP: And he continues with 37 seconds on the most amazing thing I know starting now.

CF: Pi equals 9.8654931. That is an absolutely astonishing thing because the figure normally is 22 over 7, a totally utterly...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesitation yes. Right there are 23 seconds left for the most amazing thing I know... Who challenged?

PJ: I did.

NP: Good. Well done Peter. You got a point for that. The most amazing thing I know, 23 seconds starting know.

PJ: The most amazing thing I know is that this self styled sports reporter should make this announcement about Bison Week when in fact he challenged me on a point of the er...

BUZZ

NP: Oh dear! Janet Brown has challenged.

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation on the er. And there are 10 seconds left Janet on the most amazing thing I know starting now.

JB: The most amazing thing I know is the sight of a snowdrop pushing its way through the concrete in the absolute cold of winter and appearing there as though it is some extremely strong force...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Janetís snowdrop kept her going until the whsitle went and she gained an extra point. Sheís back in third place, and Peter Jones is still chasing our leader Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams weíre going to hear from you again. The subject is the missing link. The audience obviously think itís you, but will you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: The missing link in my case was one of a beautiful pair of cuff links given to me by an elderly acquaintance and he assured me they were part of an heirloom. And one indeed went astray. And consequently my cuff looked appalling just flapping about at this rather formal do to which Iíd been invited to make the speech. "Oh," they said "whatcha doing with no cuff link?" I said "ah you might well ask." And I should have been challenged because I said it before. But I donít care...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones, Peter Jones has done you the honour.

KW: Oh has he?

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh woken up have you? Oh give him a glass of water! It helps him out!

NP: He was being very generous! Peter your challenge?

PJ: Yes because I did. I challenged because he said I should have been challenged and I wouldnít like him to think that I wouldnít be prepared to challenge him.

NP: So what are you challenging for?

PJ: Well what does he want? What would you like me to challenge you for?

NP: So what....

KW: No, heís...

NP: So what was the challenge for Peter?

PJ: Well I donít know! Iím prepared to make any challenge he likes!

KW: No you donít see...

PJ: I canít say fairer than that!

NP: Well you did what Kenneth wanted and itís one thatís actually come back in Kennethís favour! Because he gets a point...

PJ: Well then I challenge him on deviation! Because he shouldnít invite me to challenge and then not tell me what he wants me to challenge about!

NP: Well thatís a very clever and ingenious idea but actually he repeated the word cuff. Thatís what he thought you might have challenged on. But you didnít, you challenged on deviation. So Kenneth you get a point because it was a wrong challenge. There are 21 seconds left, missing link starting now.

KW: The untidiness of my apparel because of the aforesaid missing link incited various comments. And I myself remembered the great quotation from Mr Gross Smithís book, Diary of a Nobody, and he said "Iím...

BUZZ

KW: ... afraid my cuffs are rather frayed!" Hahahahahahahaha!

NP: Ah Kenneth?

KW: Yes?

NP: Iím glad you enjoyed that more than the audience! But Clement Freud did challenge you before you got to the payoff!

KW: Oh! What was you on about love?

CF: Repetition of cuff.

NP: What Clement?

CF: Another repetition of cuff.

NP: Oh yes! He did say cuff again! Thatís right! There are four seconds Clement on the missing link starting now.

CF: In detective fiction the missing link tends to be a clue...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Clement Freud got in just before the whistle and gained an extra two points of course, and one for speaking when the whistle went and has increased his lead. Janet Brown will you begin the next round. The subject is doing people. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: For some people this expression might mean taking advantage. But in my case it is a means of watching, observing, analysing and hoping that I can keep in a little mental file something of the personís qualities while I watch them. Now in the case of a person, for example like Katharine Hepburn (in Katharine Hepburn voice) who as you well remember has a strong jawline and is terribly terribly pleased to be here. (normal voice) On the other hand, it may be somebody quite different. I do well remember when I watched Margaret Thatcher being absolutely fascinated (in Margaret Thatcher voice) in the way she spoke with her eyebrows looking straight out and her eyes directly underneath. I really thought she was about to say something quite marvelous and instead it was dreadfully flat. (normal voice) Now you see that sort of thing is the kind of thing that I particularly enjoy watching. Of course there are other people. Some of these characters I find extremely funny. I think thatís a very charming way to behave and of course thatís the sort of thing I particularly like and enjoy watching.

WHISTLE

NP: Ah well Iíve just had a whisper from Ian Messiter to tell me that he forgot to stop his watch so she was actually one minute and 10 seconds she was speaking to. But she was on her own subject of impersonations so we enjoyed it so much that we let her go and let her rip and what a joy it was! And I think weíve got double value, playing the game and impersonations! Well dome Janet.

JB: Thank you.

NP: And you get, you get two points of course, one for not being interrupted as well as one for speaking when the whistle went.

JB: Oh lovely lovely.

NP: Peter Jones the next round is for you to start and it is when I sat down at the piano. A lovely thought! Will you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: When I sat down at the piano, it was explained to me that I was tone deaf. And then I was asked to sit in a corner and read a book because it was absolutely hopeless to either sing or attempt to play. So...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown.

JB: He repeated the word play.

PJ: Yes I think I did.

JB: Yes.

NP: Oh well thatís very honest of you Peter.

PJ: Well I...

NP: And there are 45 seconds Janet for you to tell us about when I sat down at the piano starting now.

JB: Well now that Iíve been asked I wish that I had never pressed the buzzer! Because I know very little about having a stool removed from the piano. And I only feel that if Iíd been able at an early age to receive the instruction that my music teacher gave to me, I probably would at this time be in the capacity or in the position...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: It was a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, yes, it was a stumbling hesitation. And there are 28 seconds left Clement for when I sat down at the piano starting now.

CF: When I sat down at the piano realising that I was unable to play the instrument, I got a tablecloth and knife, fork, spoon and had a marvelous meal beginning with a lentil soup served with white wine...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It sounded like hesitation.

NP: Well I think so too Kenneth! So itís the last round, letís hear from you too on this subject, with 14 seconds to go when I sat down at the piano.

KW: When I sat down at the piano is an occasion I will never forget because it was in a vicarage and I was invited along there to do a little turn, Chopsticks it was! And I broke wind! And there was the most terrible hurrah! And they said "leave the room for goodness sake!" And...

WHISTLE

NP: Leave the room for goodness sake! Letís leave the show on what a note as well! What note did you hit by the way?

KW: Itís perfectly reasonable you know! These things are part of nature!

NP: I was asking a perfectly valid...

KW: You go on as if you live on another planet sometimes! Oh the grandeur!

NP: I will give you the final score because we have no more time. And Kenneth brought the show to an end with a right raspberry and I will tell you that in doing so he got an extra point for speaking when the whistle went and he came equal in third place with our guest, Janet Brown. But they were only two points behind Peter Jones who didnít make up for his early challenge to Clement Freud who finished six points ahead. Our winner, Clement Freud! We do hope that youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when five of us take to the air, four to play the game, and me to try and keep fair play if I can in Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.