JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,JAlexander
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JUNO ALEXANDER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 October 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Juno Alexander in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And in this particular game we welcome to represent the ladies Juno Alexander. I hope she can speak out well against these three seasoned campaigners. The rules are the same, weíre going to try and keep them the same anyway. Iím going to ask each person to speak for Just A Minute if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. Clement Freud would you begin this particular game. The subject is the function of a good waiter. Would you speak on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The function of a good waiter is pretty much like the function of any other good human being. He gets up early in the morning, performs his ablutions, and then runs out to catch the bus or train to work, where he goes throughout the day doing the deviously boring things that good people in this world tend to perform. Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander you have challenged. Why?

JUNO ALEXANDER: Because he said that the, that the devious things, it must be deviation. Yes?

NP: Very clever!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís a very clever challenge Juno, I think...

JA: I wish I was dead!

DEREK NIMMO: Heíll sulk all evening now!

JA: No!

NP: No, I think that as he didnít actually deviate within the context of the game, I think the best thing to do is to award you a bonus point for a very clever challenge, and leave the subject with Clement Freud who has um er 40 seconds left starting now.

SILENCE

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged. Why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation definitely.

CF: I was actually sulking as predicted by Derek Nimmo!

NP: But all that happens Clement is that you lose a point.

CF: Mmmm.

NP: You donít lose a point but Derek Nimmo gains a point, he gains the subject. There are 38 seconds left Derek on the functions of a good waiter starting now.

DN: Well the functions of a good waiter are particularly important when youíre waiting at a bus stop. Because you should stand absolutely still in line till the machine arrives. Not an eyebrow must be lifted, not a muscle twitched, not an eye...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud, Clement Freud has challenged, why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation indeed. So as I uphold your challenge Clement, you take the subject back, you have a point and you have 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: A good waiter goes up to a customer, gives him a menu and takes his order. ďWould you like smoked salmon, oysters or caviar?Ē he says, because these are the most expensive...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DN: Heís showing off! I mean, who can afford oysters and caviar and smoked salmon!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: A good waiter says ďwould you like the brown Windsor soup?Ē

NP: Derek he may be showing off, but heís still playing the game as we have devised it. So Clement Freud has another point, he continues for 13 seconds with the function of a good waiter starting now.

CF: In lower class establishments, many good waiters ask...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you have challenged this time, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation of course, you wouldnít find any good waiters in lower class establishments!

CF: Not true! Theyíve got to start somewhere!

NP: It depends on the establishment that you frequent Kenneth. Maybe in yours there are none.

KW: How... are you casting aspersions?

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh!

NP: Ah, I think thatís again one of those difficult ones. Itís a very clever challenge. So Kenneth I will award you a bonus point...

KW: Ooohhhh thank you! Iíve leapt into the lead, havenít I then!

NP: Youíve leapt up equal with everybody else!

KW: Oh thatís lovely! Thank you my love!

NP: Clement Freud... there are nine seconds left for the functions of a good waiter Clement Freud starting now.

CF: It is particularly important for such a man to be attentive. To keep an eye on the customers at all times.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of customers.

NP: That is perfectly correct, we have had customers before. Derek Nimmo, the functions of a good waiter starting now.

DN: ďWould you like the pea soup or the sausage roll?Ē he says. I would like...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander you have challenged, why?

JA: This is deviation because really, if itís a good waiter heíd offer the menu and not keep insisting on, on the people...

CF: Quite right!

NP: Youíre all playing far too clever! Derek Nimmo has another point, there are two seconds left for the functions of a good waiter Derek starting now.

DN: And here is the menu, sir, he says...

WHISTLE

NP: Well if there any waiters listening I should assure them their functions have got us off to a very good start on this particular round of Just A Minute. So at the end Derek Nimmo is leading by one point, Clement Freud is second and Juno and Kenneth are in third place. Itís terribly exciting, isnít it. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the second round, the bloom of youth. Kenneth Iím sure you can speak eloquently on that subject but 60 seconds will do starting now.

KW: The bloom of youth was something which when I knew it, I lacked the capacity to take advantage of!

LONG LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Who... er...

NP: Yes, carry on! Carry on! The applause absolutely flawed Kenneth Williams!

KW: Yes it did!

NP: So weíre still with you Kenneth...

KW: Thank you!

NP: And you have 47 seconds left for your bloom of youth starting now.

KW: Had I known then what i know now, I have no doubt that my career would have gone very differently. Still I cherish those photographs which show me with that wonderful bloom, that look of innocence. And...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander, youíve challenged Kennethís bloom of youth. Why?

NP: Well... with bloom, he said he cherishes these youthful photographs. And usually the bloom is on the other side of his cheeks...

NP: I think we enjoyed Kennethís bloom of youth so much that I canít quite see any genuine challenge there. So Iím afraid Kenneth has another point, I donít agree with the challenge. And there are 35 seconds left for your bloom of youth Kenneth starting now.

KW: It was surrounded by golden curls, curls that went right down...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Deviation, it was surrounded by golden curls.

KW: The bloom of youth was! Whatís the matter with him?

NP: Well Iíll tell you what the matter is. Heís given you another point Kenneth.

KW: Oh how lovely!

NP: You have 31 seconds for the bloom of youth starting now.

KW: And a memorable portrait remains of that wonderful moment. I was once photographed, yes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?

DN: Repetition of photographed.

NP: Yes youíre quite right, we have, weíve had more than one photograph so Derek you have another point, you have 29 seconds for the bloom of youth starting now.

DN: The most beautiful bloom that I saw in my youth was a bluebell, that I picked in the merry month of May in some little wo-wo-wo, just a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

CF: Hesitation, wo-wo-wo-wo.

NP: Yes, very rotten of you too! It was...

DN: My natural impediment!

KW: I didnít know heíd got one!

DN: Making fun of the sick!

NP: But to be fair, Iím afraid I have to give it to you Clement. You have a point, you have 17 seconds for the bloom of youth starting now.

CF: The bloom of youth is something I always associate with Kenneth Williams. The golden curls that lapped around his forehead...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?

DN: Repetition of Kenneth Williams and his golden curls.

NP: Yes indeed, weíve had them both before...

KW: You canít get enough of them! Oh!

NP: Well a lot of people are obviously in great sympathy with that thought Kenneth but we have to play the game. So Derek Nimmo has a point, he has nine and a half seconds for the bloom of youth starting now.

DN: When I was three and a half years ago, my Aunt Beatrice came into the room and said ďwhat a blooming awful youth you are!Ē And I said ďhow odd that you should say that because people have said that to me before...Ē

WHISTLE

JA: Oh dear Derek!

NP: For those of you who may not, who may be new to the game, I donít think Iíve established that whoever is speaking when the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up gets another point. On this occasion it was once more Derek Nimmo whoís now got a very definite lead over all the others. Juno Alexander will you begin the next round. Indoor plants. Will you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

JA: Indoor plants can be very vicious, cruel things. Inclined to bite and strangle the hand that feeds them. Or.... they can (collapses)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: A groan.

NP: A groan.

DN: Well I mean hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Derek you have a point, there are 49 seconds left for the um indoor plants starting now.

DN: I once had 47 shillings and sixpence, and I went into my local florist and I bought an aspidistra all on my own. I took it home to my house and every day I clean the leaves of this beautiful plant with olive oil which i am told made them very shiny. And sure enough it did! And do you know people used to come from far and wide to see this lovely thing that i had in my drawing room. I remember one day the vicar knocked at the door and said ďIíve heard...a strange noise...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Oh rotten! Clement Freud, yes.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, youíve got him on his stutter again. And Clement you have another point and you have 24 seconds for indoor plants starting now.

CF: My favourite indoor plant is a rhododendron which is taken from...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, a rhododendron is not an indoor plant.

NP: Youíre quite right!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement feels very hurt about it. Do you wish to justify it?

CF: I was in the middle of saying a rhododendron which I took out of the field and into my bathroom.

NP: It would still, I consider, not become an indoor plant.

CF: It would be a plant indoors!

NP: It would not become an indoor plant as this, Iím sure, is intended to mean. And so Kenneth Williams has a point, he has 20 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I went quite recently to a house. And I said to the owner of that place ďwhat a lovely rubber plant!Ē And he said ďno itís real!Ē And I went red, you see! And what I meant was a rubber, the plant of the rubber tree...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

KW: ...but of course, he assumed that I meant synthetic!

NP: Yes...

KW: What?

NP: Clement has challenged you.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes indeed, there we are! So you lose it Clement, but you get it back, so thereís an advantage in all these things. Four seconds left for indoor plants Clement Freud... You said rubber twice!

KW: But...

NP: So it was a repetition of rubber.

KW: Youíre allowed two, arenít you?

NP: Yeah but not rubber. The indoor plant, youíre allowed to mention the name of the subject which is indoor plants Kenneth.

KW: Oh lackaday! Rue! Oh I never...

NP: What a charming way to swear! Four seconds left for Clement Freud, indoor plants starting now.

CF: One of the great mistakes when you have indoor plants is to overwater them...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud has gone to second place behind Derek Nimmo. Weíre going to begin the next round with Derek Nimmo, and the subject Derek for you is what the Romans do. Derek would you try and tell us in 60 seconds just what they do starting now.

DN: The principal thing the Romans seem to do is to arrest one. Especially if one is standing on the steps of St Peterís dressed as a monk. I was there the other day, standing there quite happily...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander you challenged, why?

JA: Because he hesitated, in his, er, affliction! Was showing! Again!

DN: My affliction wasnít showing! Thatís nothing to do with you!

NP: No I donít think, I donít think it was Juno...

JA: You donít...?

NP: Itís a very good try, but very nearly, difficult to judge sometimes. There are 47 seconds left for what the Romans do Derek starting now.

DN: And this very happy Father came up, and said, asked me if Iíd have some photographs taken with his lovely teenage daughters. And I said Iíd be very happy to. And so there I stood having a few snaps taken when a nun, I can only say, shopped me! Because apparently she saw, on the top of my head, that I had a plastic poncho on. And she reported me to the Vatican police which came along and led me away with lots of men with spears and things, and other fellows with helmets to underneath the Curio where I was imprisoned for a long time. And people interviewed me and cross-examined me and made me take off this horrible little wig thing, and put it on the middle of the table with a couple of hair clips. It was terribly embarrassing. But fortunately somebody came along, an Irish priest and identified me. The other thing the Romans do is they eat spaghetti...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged, why?

CF: Deviation, this is the Vatican and not Rome!

NP: Romans can include the people who work or live or otherwise in the Vatican. So Iím still with Derek Nimmo who has another point and there are 12 seconds left starting now.

DN: They also have all sorts of lovely pastas like fettucini el guero which I particularly like. They also have ravioli which is a sort...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander, why have you challenged, why?

JA: Because heís deviating because itís what they have, and not what they do.

NP: Exactly Juno, very good point you make...

DN: Very good! Very good!

NP: There are five seconds Juno for what the Romans do starting now.

JA: Romans wear shields and carry ...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, thatís what the Romans did! Itís not what they do!

JA: They do in films! They do in films!

NP: They do in films. I was about to say they do in films. And thereís maybe many Romans running about in their little boudoirs in Rome doing exactly that with shields. So...

KW: Oh!

NP: As I think it was a very clever challenge Derek, I give you a bonus point. But the subject still with Juno and there are two seconds for what the Romans do Juno starting now.

JA: They also bathe in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you Juno, why?

JA: Oh!

CF: There seemed a very long delay...

NP: No there was not! Juno has another point...

CF: Thinking about it!

NP: And thereís one and a half seconds for what the Romans do Juno starting now.

JA: They eat in restaurants and go to the...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh she won it!

JA: Oh I ask myself is it worth it!

NP: At the end of the round Juno Alexander was speaking, she gains an extra point. Sheís gone into third place behind Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo.

KW: Oh!

NP: Kenneth Williams is only just in fourth place. we hope he will improve on that in the next round. But itís actually Clement Freud to begin the next round. A lovely subject for anybody to talk on, elephants. Clement will you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

CF: Most of the elephants that I have known come from Lowestoft where they spend the winter on the beach, and the summer in circus. Many of them appear in a revue at the Sparrowís Nest which has a very small stage door where the elephants have to be disentangled and then reassembled on the stage every afternoon and evening because the shows are twice nightly. They surface in Yarmouth which is some 12 miles up the road, where these animals are... seen...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Derek, you have another point, we will press on as quick as we can. Thirty-one seconds, Derek, for elephants starting now.

DN: Of course the amazing thing is they donít forget, you know. Thatís one of the things one always has to remember when one converses with them, you see. Because I remember going to London Zoo, I think it was three and a half weeks ago. And I went up to the cage, and I gave this thing a bun. And I heard it whisper...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Deviation, the elephants arenít in cages at the London Zoo.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes...

DN: They are at night!

NP: This er, can you justify that?

DN: They are at night! Of course they donít leave them wandering around during the night! They lock them up, and I was a nocturnal visitor!

NP: Oh, out of your own mouth you committed yourself!

JA: Lies!

NP: You cannot be a nocturnal visitor to the zoo, so Kenneth Williams has...

DN: Unless youíre a Fellow, and Iím a Fellow!

NP: Youíre a fellow, all right! No, no, on this occasion I think itís only fair. Kenneth has another point, he has 19 seconds for elephants starting now.

KW: The only elephants that I am familiar with, are the ones that come from Ceylon. And once there a keeper offered to let me hose them down. There were three or four of them actually and I took this hose in my hand. And he said to me ďnot only use the hose mate...Ē

BUZZ

KW: ... he said it of course in an accent, and I canít do the accent now...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition, three hoses.

NP: Yes there were three hoses.

KW: Well thatís because their stockings ladder!

JA: There were four elephants! They had one each!

NP: They probably needed three hoses. Clement Freud has another point with three seconds, two seconds left for elephants starting now.

CF: Africa and India are the two continents most...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams and Juno Alexander are equal in third place behind Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth it is your turn to begin the next round.

KW: Oh!

NP: A subject which you have dispensed many many times...

KW: Yes?

NP: ...but will you now speak about it. Happiness. Happiness. Will you talk... the audience have gone so quiet, theyíve all gone... Sixty seconds on happiness Kenneth starting now.

KW: Happiness is of course a retrospective emotion. It is something which you, in a conscious... oh dear!

BUZZ

NP: You shouldnít have stopped Kenneth! So Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. Derek you have another point and you have 53 seconds for happiness starting now.

DN: Happiness is really one of the most lovely emotions that one could possibly tumble upon. I remember going on the Great Wheel at Yarmouth one year and I was hap... er...

BUZZ

DN: Oh dear!

NP: iím sure that if you went on the... if you went on the Great Wheel at Yarmouth youíd feel exactly like that! Clement Freud challenged you and we all know why. And so Clement you have a point, there are 43 seconds for happiness starting now.

CF: Happiness is something of which I contain a great deal. But because...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, he doesnít! Heís very gloomy, very dreary and thoroughly miserable all the time! Total deviation!

NP: Well unfortunately we donít know Clement Freud all that well. He might...

DN: I do!

KW: And let know...

NP: All right! This is one of those wonderful occasions when I put it to our lovely audience here. Let you...

CF: They donít know me!

NP: The audience whether they know you or not...

DN: Theyíre lucky!

NP: You can judge about the happiness situation of Clement Freud.

JA: Look heís laughing! He knows heís laughing!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Listeners, listeners... Clement Freud is endeavouring to smile at the audience, heís almost cracking his beard in half. Iím going to ask you to judge. Do you uphold Derek Nimmoís challenge, do you agree with it? In which case will you cheer. If you disagree with his challenge, will you please boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Boo!

KW: Oh!

NP: I think the cheers have it! I think there are more people that think you donít dispense happiness Clement. Isnít that amazing? Absolutely amazing! So according to our audience Derek Nimmo has a point, he has 34 seconds left for happiness starting now.

DN: Well you see, I am totally happy, unlike that fellow Freud who is a very dreary miserable fellow. And Iíll tell you what I put it down to...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander you challenged, why?

JA: Heís being no good, heís talking about the lovely Freud and not about happiness.

NP: The only fair thing to do, I think, is to give you a point...

DN: Oh!

NP: ...and er leave the subject with Derek Nimmo. Derek Nimmo, 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: One day at Morecambe I went down and I paddled in the sea. And do you know, I suddenly thought I am happy...

BUZZ

NP: Juno Alexander.

JA: Heís at it again! Heís at it again! Talking about paddling in the sea and...

NP: Well this is happiness to Derek Nimmo!

DN: Happiness to me!

NP: So there we are, you have 27 seconds for happiness Derek starting now.

DN: I enjoy simple pleasures, thatís part of it, you see. I love going around reefed in smiles and dispensing a cheery whatho to bus drivers and elephant keepers and people in the bloom of youth like Kenneth Williams. And I love bounding forward and saying ďhello old fruit, the sunís shining, donít you feel tremendously happy today...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Oh this is all deviation! Itís to do with his personal mannerisms, itís nothing to do...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think this is an impossible subject. You can well say that Clement Freud gives tremendous happiness to people. You could say that Derek Nimmoís gestures or whatever you call them also give tremendous happiness. So all right, I will give you a point and weíre still with Derek Nimmo, happiness, 11 seconds starting now.

DN: And sometimes I go to a local dance hall and I say to a lady ďwould you mind giving me the pleasure, the great happiness, of having a little tiny dance with me?Ē She says ďof course, I will, Iíd love toĒ. I take her, we go on to the floor, and we go one-two-three, I wonít say it again...

WHISTLE

JA: Well done! Well done! (laughs) Very good!

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, he gains yet another point and Derek Nimmoís now got a commanding lead over the other three. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round. Itís my birthday. Derek Nimmo will you talk about my birthday starting now.

DN: Today happens to be my birthday, and I have a card to prove it.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: So I would like to sing if I may. (sings) Happy birthday to me! (normal voice) And I canít go on any more, because it would be repetition of course! But it does give me tremendous pleasure when I wake up on my warn, the morn, the morn...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition, you have 35 seconds for my birthday starting now.

CF: My birthday is on the 24th of April and I am a Tauran. Which means that I was born on the sign of the whatever it is and am by nature humble, obedient and one who spreads happiness...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, weíve already established that he doesnít spread happiness! By popular acclaim!

CF: According to the sign of the Zodiac...

NP: Derek Nimmo, all right, Iíll put it to the audience, because probably he does but some people think he does. Do you think Derek Nimmoís challenge is justified. If you do, will you please cheer. If you dis, if you donít approve will you please boo. And will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The boos have it! Theyíre on your side this time Clement Freud. Some are definitely, think that you...

DN: Theyíre always nice to people when itís their birthday. They darenít boo!

NP: Well Clement Freud weíre back with you, another point to you, my birthday, 19 seconds left starting now.

CF: On my birthday I get up and have my favourite cereal with brown sugar and single cream, which I donít have on other days of the week. And Iím then allowed to choose...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Well deviation, it should be on other days of the year you see. A birthday only happens once a year, not other days of the week.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: I think thatís a very clever and justifiable challenge Derek, a point to you, nine and a half seconds left for my birthday starting now.

DN: So in comes my cake, they put it down in the middle of the table. Full of candles, tremendous number of these flaming objects...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because if a cake was full of candles, you couldnít eat it!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: A mouthful of tallow?

NP: Yes! So there we are! Derek Nimmoís tallow birthday cake gains Kenneth Williams a point and he has er four seconds left for my birthday starting now.

KW: I sent a telegram to my parents saying ďcongratulations on having me! You did a very admirable and wonderful thing!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmoís birthday brings us to the end of this particular show, Iím sorry to have to tell you. But I can give you the score at the end of that show. Juno Alexander was in fourth place, Kenneth Williams was in third place, just behind Clement Freud in third place. And a very definitely overwhelming winner this day is todayís birthday fellow Derek Nimmo.

KW: Oh yay! Heís the winner!

NP: So it is a happy birthday to the happy victor of this particular game. We do hope that youíve enjoyed it and from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.