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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and LANCE PERCIVAL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 December 1979)
NOTE: Lance Percival's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Lance Percival in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we welcome as our guest to play with our three regulars this week someone who’s never played the game before, we wish him the best of luck. And it’s Lance Percival. Our three regulars know the rules so well that I don’t need to remind them, but I will remind Lance and anybody who may not have heard the programme before they will try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And the subject, what better, exhibitionism. Something of which we know you’re never guilty Kenneth, being a shy retiring violet. So would you talk on the subject for 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: This can be interpreted in different ways. It might rightly be said to sum up the feeling of euphoric national self-satisfaction that pervaded the atmosphere when the Great Exhibition was opened at that wonderful site we’re all very familiar with, opposite the Albert Hall, which was of course in the Victorian period of flowering English industrial revolution fruition. And became the exhibition which the entire European theatre applauded. And they came from miles and miles... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Miles and miles, repetition. NP: Yes. They came too many miles. How difficult it is to keep going for 60 seconds. Kenneth did it for 44 seconds and um Derek you have a correct challenge, a point for that of course, and you take over the subject with 16 seconds to go, exhibitionism starting now. DN: Exhibitionism is something I absolutely deplore. I tend to spend most of my waking hours hiding away in dark cellars so nobody can see me covered in a large grey sack, except on Sundays when I wear a yellow one... WHISTLE NP: Well Ian Messiter blows the whistle when 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was on this occasion Derek Nimmo who has the other point in the round. So he’s naturally in the lead. And he will also begin the next round. So Derek the subject is shopping. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. DN: Well yesterday I was shopping in Singapore. And I started in the Tanyon Road and came right round into Orchard Street. And there I went into the Lucky Plaza. And up the moving escalator I clanned... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: Some sort of impediment there, I thought! I don’t know how to describe it. Deviation, would you say? DN: You shouldn’t draw attention to other people’s impediments. I think it’s very nasty. NP: So Peter you have a point and the subject and 47 seconds on shopping starting now. PJ: Well exhibitionists go shopping, and they do it on Wimbledon Common. And I heard of one in particular who in the cold weather merely described his wares! However... SOME LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: They do seem a bit slow there! BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. PJ: What? DN: A rather large pause after ware. NP: There is 32 seconds on shopping with you Derek starting now. DN: Sometimes when one wanders down Oxford Street, you see the barrow boys wher... gone again! BUZZ DN: I can’t say W! I don’t know why... NP: Lance you challenged first. LANCE PERCIVAL: Did I? NP: Yes what was your challenge Lance? LP: My challenge was that I was trying to read Kenneth Williams’ writing down here! So I didn’t hear what Derek was actually saying. DN: No, well you wouldn’t have done. NP: Well he paused, that’s why you didn’t hear it. LP: He paused. NP: Yes well done, very quick! LP: I didn’t want to accuse him of impediments again. NP: So Lance you have the subject and there are 24 seconds left and the subject is shopping starting now. LP: Shopping in Oxford Street can sometimes be a great pleasure. But if you prefer Knightsbridge, you’ll find... I said prefer with a slight stutter because the other way of saying it... BUZZ NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two prefers. NP: I’m afraid you did prefer more than once. Derek you have the subject back, there are 17 seconds on shopping starting now. DN: Once in St Peter’s Square in Rome, I was shopped by a nun. I happened to be standing there dressed as a monk. She saw me with my arms around this girl, and reported me to one of the Swiss guards who took me to a little cell beneath the Curia. And there I discovered that she thought I had given my little yellow basket... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo was again speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead. Peter Jones would you begin the next round, and the subject is the digital watch. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well the digital watch, like the Venus D’Mylo has no hands. And you actually need to have... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: I would agree Kenneth. Yes it was such a good line... DN: He was waiting for a giggle! KW: No, he said and er! NP: He waited for a laugh and then he was also waiting for the applause as well! PJ: No, I didn’t wait for any applause. How ridiculous! I wouldn’t dream of it! KW: And er! NP: You waited anyway and it was a pause. And Kenneth has the subject, and there are 52 seconds left, the digital watch starting now. KW: The digital watch, but the congenital never observe anything! They fail totally and of course in the process are often accused of abysmal ignorance. They say “didn’t you keep your eyes open, you great fool?” And of course they go through life quite blithely without understanding that all around them is a mass of foliage, burgeoning nature itself, threading... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Deviation. NP: Why? PJ: Because burgeoning nature has got nothing to do with digital watches. NP: I quite agree, so you have the subject Peter. And there are 27 seconds for the digital watch starting now. PJ: It’s made, thanks to the silicon chip. And you have to have a very thick booklet of instructions in order to understand how to work the digital watch. Better still have a three week course in Switzerland, and then you’ll be instructed in the setting of this extremely elaborate and intricate piece of mechanism. Which we owe largely to the experience of the astronauts... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones kept going magnificently on his digital watch, right up to the whistle, gained the extra point. But he’s still in second place behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Lance Percival and Kenneth Williams have one point apiece in third place, and Lance it’s your turn to begin. The subject for you is vivat rex adwardus sextus. Will you tell us something in 60 seconds starting now. LP: Vivat rexus... vivat... BUZZ LP: I’ve got to get the title right. NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well I’m challenging, he seems to know very little! PJ: It was on the card though. NP: Yes I’m afraid, I have to give it to you because it really was a rather heavy hesitation. So um Derek would you tell us something about vivat rex adwardus sextus in, oh, in 56 seconds starting now. DN: Well it seems to be rather pointless saying long live King George the Sixth at the moment. You might as well say... BUZZ NP: Lance has challenged. LP: It’s long live King Edward the Sixth to start with! NP: Seventh. LP: I’ll have that one back, thank you! I’ll start again! NP: Yes! But Lance as you’ve never played the game before, what, it’s to your advantage because you’ve won a point now... LP: Oh I see. NP: ...for being challenged you see, so you build up your score that way. LP: Oh thank you Derek! NP: There are 53 seconds now on vivat rex adwardus sextus starting now. LP: Vivat rex adwardus sextus is the title song of a school in North Dorset called Sherborne. In English it means long live King Edward the Sixth, the first verse starts onum phewitt monacordem and the second line is scholar nostracedes. And in the four years that I was in that school, I never learnt a single word of what they meant. The chorus however starts vivat rex awardus sextus vivat vivat vivat. And goes on vivat rex adwardus sextus... BUZZ LP: It’s the title! NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I mean it must be vaguely repetitious even though it’s in the title! Don’t you think? I mean you can’t keep on going vivat vivat vivat all night. LP: That’s what we thought! NP: Well seeing as it is in the song, for once I will allow it. DN: Don’t you... NP: You don’t repeat, you can repeat what’s on the card, but there is a limit and I don’t think the guest has reached the limit yet. So he continues with a point for that and 21 seconds on vivat rex awardus sextus starting now. LP: And that is the end of the chorus. Edward the Sixth was a boy King... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I’m sorry, it’s very mean because it is his first time. He did say chorus twice, I’m sorry. NP: Yes... DN: I withdraw it. NP: No don’t withdraw it, you have a correct challenge, you have 18 seconds... PJ: He’s boring! You don’t lose a point for being boring? BUZZ NP: Lance Percival’s challenged again. So Lance you’ve got another point for a hesitation, well done. LP: Well done! NP: There are 17 seconds now on vivat rex awardus sextus with you starting now. LP: Edward the Sixth was a boy King who founded this particular school that I mentioned before in the county east of Somerset in the year 1550. And since then several well-known pupils, of which the most famous would probably be Ian Messiter, the cricketer David Shepherd... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of Ian Messiter. NP: Why, he hasn’t been mentioned before? LP: I never mentioned him before. PJ: Well he did, he said he went to school with Ian Messiter at the beginning. LP: No, he said that. PJ: Oh you said that? NP: No he didn’t. PJ: Well he was repeating what you said! Even worse! DN: It wasn’t even original! PJ: No! NP: Right, he was repeating what I said but he did not say Ian Messiter within the game. So er Rex, oh I’m calling you Rex now. I’m sorry! Yes, Percival Lance, the er Lance you have three seconds to go on this subject starting now. LP: Christopher Chattaway was another ex-schoolboy of that... WHISTLE NP: Well as they say in the sporting jargon, Lance Percival has come from nowhere into a very solid second place behind Derek Nimmo our leader who will begin the next round. And the subject Derek is how to go broke starting now. DN: How to go broke, well I suppose there are many ways of going broke. You could probably try and sell refrigerators to Eskimos, or central heating in Saudi Arabia. But another way, of course, is to buy a house without a game... a proper bridging loan in advance... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation, and two ways. NP: Yes, well done Kenneth, the subject is how to go broke, there are 47 seconds left starting now. KW: (in odd light lilting voice that gives the impression that he is talking through a thick gag) This of course comes from the lack of economic understanding. I mean after all if you trip over... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I can’t unders... hear a word he’s saying! How can we possibly challenge when he’s going (does impression of KW’s strange muffled words) It’s not fair to the other contestants! NP: Well what is your challenge? DN: Well I... deviation! All he’s going is (does KW impression) NP: Well I don’t know if he is deviating because I can’t hear him either! So shall we ask the audience? If you think he was deviating, you all cheer for Kenneth. And if you think he was not deviating then you boo for Derek. And you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: They’re on your side! Kenneth has another point and he has 42 seconds on how to go broke starting now. KW: To rise in the early maude, to wake and forth the clarity in the milode and (getting faster and faster into full-on gibberish) BUZZ KW ... in order to pass the siren safely! Now obviously this is economic... NP: Listen! Lance Percival has challenged. LP: I challenged because I feel that Kenneth doesn’t want this subject! DN: Is that a new rule? You can talk absolute rubbish? NP: Yes yes, that was deviation and er Lance you have the subject now and there are 37 seconds on how to go broke starting now. LP: One of the easiest ways of going broke is to become Chancellor of the Exchequer and run the nation’s economy. This way you will find very quickly know all and the Howe as they say in the Government at the moment. Which ever party you may support, because before we had a Healey who was very quick at it too. And gradually whether very quickly or slowly they are managing to get every single nation they can find in the Common Market broke, even though they don’t have influence over this particular one. This particular one including Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland and several others and I wish to goodness somebody else would challenge, because I haven’t got anything else to say... BUZZ NP: So Derek Nimmo helped you out. Derek what is your challenge? DN: Well he wanted me to challenge so he could get another point! Presumably! So I’ve given him an incorrect challenge so he can have another point and then he can go on with the subject. NP: Oh so that’s Derek’s challenge, a very strange one, but it wasn’t a correct one within the game. So there are 11 seconds left for you to carry on on how to go broke Lance starting now. LP: The other way of going broke is to start up as a theatrical impresario. Try and put on plays in various places like Richmond, Leeds, Harrogate, Liverpool, anywhere you like. And then try and bring the show to the West End and you will find in no time at all you’ve gone broke... WHISTLE NP: So Lance Percival with sheer speed and style has gained extra points, including one for speaking when the whistle went and moved into the lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is barbecues. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well my suggestion if you want to have a barbecue is to go abroad. That’s the first thing. Don’t attempt to have it in England because it’s absolutely disastrous. I’ve tried it twice and both times it poured with rain and I was left cooking things on the lawn and all the guests were in the house peering and laughing at me through the window! So it’s absolutely hopeless to do that... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of absolutely. NP: Yes, Derek there are 37 seconds on barbecues starting now. DN: In South Africa they call them bryfaces. And there, as one os abroad of course, it is a really rather nice thing to have. You build a fire... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: You’re not abroad if you’re a South African! DN: No... NP: It’s a very... a very stylish comment Peter, but got nothing to do with er the subject. PJ: I thought it was deviation. NP: No, it wasn’t deviation. PJ: It wasn’t? NP: It wasn’t deviating from the subject of barbecues. PJ: Well first of all he translated it, you see, into South African. NP: Did he? PJ: Yes. Didn’t you hear that? NP: No. PJ: Oh you must pay attention, you know. He said in South Africa they call barbecues something else, you see. So he was identifying himself with the South Africans. NP: You’re making very heavy weather of your point. PJ: Well that’s the kind of weather you get when you have barbecues! NP: Well said! Twenty-nine seconds for Derek Nimmo to continue on barbecues starting now. DN: In Eastern Mordeth in Northamptonshire, I have a splendid barbecue machine, which I can trundle out of a little shed where it lives during the winter months, into the sunshine, because there the weather tends to be rather clement. And on to it I put charcoal, light it with a fire, perhaps sometimes with a collection of little twigs. And then I put on to it sausages and steaks and chops and one thing I like more than anything at all is sweetcorn... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo kept talking about barbecues for a long time, including speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and has gone back in the lead ahead of Lance Percival. And Lance your turn to begin. I can’t imagine why this subject has been chosen for you Lance, it’s calypsos. LP: Calypsos. NP: I believe you know something about them so would you tell us about it in Just A Minute starting now. LP: Calypsos are songs that I enjoy writing and singing, and they come from the West Indies. Traditionally Trinidad is probably the most famous place for the calypsos. But you’ll also find them in Barbados, Jamaica, Valentine, also St Lucia and various other West Indian islands, some fantastic calypsos coming out. Now every February in the place of the some Tobago area, just the island to the north where all the oil is. On this island they have a calypso war. In this calypso war, all the various singers... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Two wars. NP: Yes. LP: Oh one was Evelyn Waugh! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: And he sings a very natty calypso, yes... LP: Very good. NP: There are 34 seconds for Derek Nimmo on calypsos starting now. DN: Calypso was the daughter of Atlas. And when Fedecious was travelling across the wine-dark sea, he landed upon her island. And there she promised him eternal life. And he lingered there for many years, seven in fact... BUZZ NP: Lance Percival challenged. LP: I enjoyed that, but it is deviation because the word on the card is calypsos. DN: Is it? NP: Yes it’s calypsos. LP: Calypsos, he’s talking about Calypso. NP: You were talking about Calypsos. DN: I was talking about one Calypso. What is it? LP: Just a strange message from Messiter. DN: What does it say? LP: Sorry, no money this week! LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE NP: That round of applause by the way was because in the show Ian Messiter left the desk where he sits... DN: I can’t understand that at all! NP: ... and slipped a message to Lance Percival. Lance said it was because he wasn’t going to get any money for what he’d just done. Um, let’s continue. The challenge was, um, I agree with your challenge incidentally Lance. So you take the subject of calypsos back... DN: What happened to the message? That’s what I want to know! PJ: I don’t think we ought to dwell on their personal life! What they do when they’re not in front of the public is nothing to do with us! NP: If you want to know, the message that was sent to Lance Percival was to stop banging the table with his fists as he did his calypsos! Lance, don’t beat out the rhythm of your calypso, talk about it if you can, 28 seconds starting now. LP: Lord Kitchener... Duke of Ireland, said... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree with that, 25 on calypsos Derek starting now. DN: I think calypsos are really quite the most boring songs I ever heard! As soon as you land at any island in the West Indies, they come towards you banging these awful oil drums, singing these dreadful... ghastly songs... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was, wasn’t there? KW: Yes. NP: Fourteen... 14 seconds for you Kenneth on calypsos starting now. KW: Apart from the fact that it is extremely discourteous to our friends in these areas of which Mister Nimmo has been so rude, I deplore the sentiments generally. Because the gaiety and the fun that these sort of songs... WHISTLE NP: Yes I agree with Kenneth’s sentiments. I wouldn’t go to the Caribbean and work after what you’ve just said Derek! LP: That’s why he went to Singapore! NP: So at the end of that round Derek’s still in the lead, one ahead of Lance Percival. Kenneth Williams is creeping up, Peter Jones is trailing a little. And Kenneth’s going to begin the next round and the subject is corruption. Say something about that in 60 seconds if you can Kenneth starting now. KW: A very interesting word and capable of many interpretations. One interesting one is the idea... BUZZ NP: Lance Percival challenged. LP: Repetition of one, one interesting one. KW: Oh shut up! I’d only just started! I mean, it’s a bit much, isn’t it! He’s only come on it for the first time and he’s started on me! And I’m supposed to be one of his mates! I mean how do you treat your enemies! It’s a disgrace! NP: Well... KW: Don’t give it to him! NP: I’m going to give it to him because it was a correct challenge. I know we sometimes overlook such little things but he hasn’t played the game before. He’s listened well, he’s got 48 seconds to talk on corruption starting now. LP: Well I will give Mister Williams a chance to get his own back. Because corruption, I feel, is something within an organisation whereby there is er unfortunate... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was! Forty-three seconds on corruption Kenneth starting now. KW: Over the years God be with you was corrupted into good-bye, something which many people tend to forget. The same with the Earls of Ragmar who were forced by the King to sign a roll which contained such complicated dialogue that to them it was a rigmarole you see. The Ragmar... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two Ragmars! KW: Well you have to do it, you great fool, in order to tell them about it! I mean, it’s essential on occasions to say it. You did it several times when you were going off about the shopping. But I didn’t interrupt you! No! Why? Because all I was interested on was just seeing the whole thing got under way! I mean I’m a friend to everybody! I don’t want to score points! I’m just here to have fun! I don’t think we should go on like that! It’s not right! NP: Kenneth! Have you finished? KW: Yeah. NP: Good! Right so Derek you had a correct challenge and Kenneth’s got a lot off his chest, thank goodness. And there are 15 seconds left for you to talk on corruption starting now. DN: Bloody is a corruption of by our lady. By our lady’s kin... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of by our lady. NP: Yes so Peter you’re going to talk about corruption now and there are 10 seconds left starting now. PJ: Bloody marvellous really! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: We don’t want any filth! This is a family show! Disgraceful! I’m not sitting here with this kind of disgusting rubbish! LP: Using words like marvellous? KW: Yes! Absolutely! NP: Yes but he still wasn’t deviating from the subject on the card. So Peter you have a point for that and there are eight seconds on corruption starting now. PJ: It’s often just a few letters that you arrive at, and it’s called er naffy or boopa... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was an er and you’ve got in with two seconds to go Kenneth on corruption starting now. KW: The seat of power shall never be corrupted... WHISTLE KW: Yes I scored! Yes I scored! That means I’m in the lead now! I’ve scored now! I’m in the lead! NP: No Kenneth, you did get a lot of points on... KW: Of course I did! A lot of points! You heard that! A lot of points scored! NP: Another point for speaking as the whistle went... KW: Yes! NP: ...and you’re still in third place! But I must tell you, for it will make for an exciting contest, that you are only one behind Lance Percival, and he is only one behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Peter is just a little behind you. And Derek’s going to begin the next round and the subject is rubber. So can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now. DN: The rubber plant is a native of South America and was discovered there, first of all by Europeans. Christopher Columbus actually saw some children playing... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: It wasn’t first discovered by Europeans, that much anybody knows! It was first of all discovered by South Americans who lived there! DN: I said the first Europeans who discovered it. NP: No you didn’t, you said it was first... DN: First discovered by Europeans. NP: That’s what you said and that’s what he challenged for. So I must give it to him, well listened Peter. Fifty seconds on rubber starting now. PJ: But they didn’t have any cheap labour in South America so they took it to Malaya... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: They did have cheap labour in South America. Deviation. NP: It wasn’t cheap at the time. DN: How do you know? Were you still alive? NP: How do you know? All I can say is I’m a bit older than you so... DN: And it shows! PJ: I don’t think either of you should boast about it! NP: Um I think it’s one of those debatable points that I give the benefit of the doubt to Peter Jones... DN: What, that you were alive? NP: No, no, that as well! There are 46 seconds on rubber with you Peter starting now. PJ: You have to make deep scars in the bark and then hang a utensil underneath the lowest point of it and the juice drips out... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes Kenneth, there are 37 seconds for rubber with you starting now. KW: This is given to the name in brig, bridge, ah... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: A bridge too far! KW: Isn’t it a lovely bridge? NP: Thirty-two... KW: I meant to say you have a rubber in bridge. NP: Oh yes. KW: That’s what I meant to say. NP: Yes yes, mmm, you nearly got there too, didn’t you! Thirty-two and a half seconds on rubber Derek starting now. DN: The distinguished English botanist, Sir Henry Wilmot, brought back many tons of seeds to Kew Gardens. And then having actually grown a number of plants from the aforementioned little objects that he’d brought back from South America, he put them... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of brought back. NP: And South America. PJ: Yes. NP: Yes. There are 17 seconds on rubber with you Peter starting now. PJ: And then he took them to the far east. And they planted them. It became a tradition in many English families for the younger sons to be sent out to these outposts. Somerset Maugham went and er did a musical number on them... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes. There are four seconds left on rubber Derek starting now. DN: And the youngest sons were actually called creepers when they went out to these plantations and I know of a... WHISTLE NP: Well that last whistle blow of Ian Messiter’s was actually the final whistle for the contest. And Derek Nimmo was speaking as it went, he gained an extra point. And now I’ll tell you the final score. Very interesting situation. Peter Jones was just one point behind our second pair, Lance Percival and Kenneth Williams equal in second place. But they were a few points behind this week’s winner, Derek Nimmo! Congratulations to our guest Lance Percival for doing so well. And congratulations to the others for always being very good value. And congratulations to our audience for braving the weather to come and join us. We’ve enjoyed playing Just A Minute and we hope that our listeners will want to tune in once again. Till then from all of us here good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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