JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,RBuckman
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ROB BUCKMAN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 January 1980)

NOTE: Rob Buckman's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and Rob Buckman in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Welcome to the show Rob.

ROB BUCKMAN: Thank you very much.

NP: And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak on the subject I will give them, and try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. We begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, and the subject Kenneth is springing into action. So can you spring into action on that subject and keep going for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Contrary to what most people imagine, I am not a lightweight at all. I come out of that corner, wearing my jockey shorts, and my dorsal muscles are tense, and my pectoral muscles with a tear for tiny titty, all tense. And I rush out there, and the very sight of me is enough to make my opponent quail in the corner with fear. And the sweat begins to show, right through their um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of muscles.

KW: I thought I was stumped, Iíd already said shorts.

NP: Clement challenged you for muscles which youíd said right at the beginning.

KW: What a shame, yes! Good listening though.

NP: A point for that and there are 27 seconds left for springing into action starting now.

CF: Springing into action is the sort of thing you very seldom see at Westminster where thereís much more shuffling out of obscurity, or creeping, crawling gently towards the public image that you always wished people had of you. I did know a man called Halburton...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman has challenged.

RB: Excuse me, Iím terribly sorry, I thought the subject was springing into action. I mean itís all this autobiographical, itís very good for flogging the newspapers, but I donít see the relevance. Could I appeal to deviation here?

NP: Heís got on to the reverse of springing into action, and shuffling out of the chamber and things like that.

RB: Yes.

NP: Yes, good challenge Rob, all right, youíve made your point...

RB: I was just going to say Iíve got some tablets that will probably help several people at Westminster who are shuffling around.

NP: Maybe you can take one yourself, you might calm down.

RB: Sorry, sorry.

NP: Right, Rob, you have seven seconds and you have a point of course for a correct challenge, the subject is springing into action starting now.

RB: Springing into action is something that only things that have springs can do. In particular I refer to...

WHISTLE

NP: When the 60 seconds is up, Ian Messiter blows his whistle, and er whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was on that occasion our guest Rob Buckman. So Rob you have two points at the end of that round and youíre in the lead. An unusual position for a guest, but well done. Derek Nimmo, will you begin the next round, the subject, punch bags. So following the springing into action we now have a punch bag. And you have sixty seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: (in fast paced impression of KW) I rush out of my corner in my jockey shorts, I punch my punch bag as quickly as I can and my dorsal muscles are all over the place and they all see how wonderful I am! (normal voice) That is one way you can hit a punch bag. Of course in India, a punch bag is something which is used to carry round punch in. It comes from an old Hindi word meaning five, and because that is the number of coffins that go into the aforementioned punch. Spices and sweetmeats, lemons and of course water and spirits. And sometimes I remember going to a gym actually with Cassius Clay, Mohammed Ali as he likes to be called later. And there was this great big ball slammed up against a wall, and he started hitting it quite heavily. And into the place came Rocky Marciano, a great chum of mine, Iíve known him for a long time. And he sat down beside me and said, has somebody challenged or something? Itís gone very quiet! And then in came another chap that Iíd also known and I began to deliver a left hook straight at it and goodness knows it burst! And went off with a dreadful pop and all the contents came out on to the floor and there was nothing at all except air and this awful void. And it seems to have gone very quiet! Whatís happened?

WHISTLE

NP: I think Ian Messiter lost the pea in his whistle actually!

DN: Oh really, I donít know whatís going on! I went past the thing!

NP: Yes you gone, youíve gone well past everything!

DN: I donít know what happened to everybody!

NP: (unintelligible) along please.

DN: I donít know what happened to them all!

NP: I think actually Derek you did actually keep going for 70 seconds. I canít give you a bonus point. But you do get one point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus for not being interrupted and keeping going for the full length of time. So now youíre equal with Rob Buckman at the end of the round. And Clement Freud to begin the next round. The subject, unusual but delicious fish. Clement can you go on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I suppose the most unusual fish would get out of its corner with its left hand raised beneath the chin, and there would be Rocky Marciano and Cassius Clay or Mohammed Ali as he was see a southpaw go up past...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there are 47 seconds left for unusual but delicious fish Derek starting now.

DN: Two weeks ago I was fishing in the Persian Gulf with Bernard Cribbins. And he caught a five foot barracuda...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Name dropping!

NP: So what is the challenge?

CF: And boring!

NP: So Clement, letís give Clement a bonus for a nice challenge. The audience enjoyed it.

DN: For saying itís boring! I donít think he deserves one!

NP: Forty-two seconds are left for unusual but delicious fish, still with you Derek starting now.

DN: What I really enjoy are the lips of the groper fish. Now I donít know whether youíve ever actually experienced this particular kind of meat, but itís wonderful because it has a curious texture to it. And if you steam it very gently for 14 and a half minutes, bring it out of the oven and place it on the table, particularly if itís on pappiod, itís very nice that way. And a little green salt with a few chives and some mint and a little white wine. I can think of no nicer fish...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

CF: He repeated little.

NP: He did repeat little, yes.

CF: Rather too often.

NP: Yes, 16 seconds left for you Clement, having got another point and the subject, unusual but delicious fish starting now.

CF: Zander I should think is the most unusual but delicious fish. It eats other fish which is a pretty unsociable thing to do. But roach, perch, eel, crabs, prawns, shrimp...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well heís talking about crabs and theyíre crustacea!

NP: Theyíre crustacea! They may be crustacea...

CF: They still eat them!

NP: ... but theyíre also classified as fish. I mean you look on a menu under fish.

CF: Zander still eats them.

DN: Do you?

NP: Yes so Clement keeps the subject with four and a half seconds starting now.

CF: A fighting smoked kipper!


BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, Derek, Derek pressed just as you blew the whistle.

DN: Well there was a gap wasnít there. He said ďa fighting smoked kipperĒ and stopped, so I buzzed. And if there was room for my buzz before the whistle he must have paused.

NP: Yes, you have half a second on unusual but delicious fish starting now.

DN: Fighting smoked kippers!

WHISTLE

NP: I thought you were challenging for deviation. A fighting kipper. Derek youíve got more rounds, I mean more points, than anybody in that round so you are further in the lead now. Rob Buckman your turn to begin, the subject after fish, chips. You tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

RB: Chips is the collective noun for...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Chips are!

RB: Ah ah ah oh please sir!

NP: Yes?

RB: Sir, I just wanted to say...

CF: I wanted to give you a point!

RB: I know that youíve got a very large amount of grammatical knowledge but ďchips isĒ was a seemiological reference, etymological. I was going to say chips is the collective noun.

NP: Yes...

RB: Itís one of those, you know, the yolks of eggs are white, or the yolks of eggs is white.

NP: Yes...

RB: Everyone knows theyíre yellow.

NP: Iím sure youíre right.

RB: I have the tablets for anyone who doesnít.

NP: Yes well as long as your patients believe you, we will as well.

RB: Quite, quite right.

NP: You have a point for that and you keep going with 57 seconds left starting now.

RB: Chips is the collective noun for...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Heís repeating himself, he said it all before.

NP: Yes.

DN: Not, not within the question!

RB: I didnít get a chance!

DN: I donít want to be nice to him, but he didnít say that within the question.

NP: Rob youíre going to keep the subject and youíre going to carry on with 53 seconds left on chips starting now.

RB: When chips are made of potato, they are very useful with fish. Manufactured from the element silicon of which the abbreviation is S-I and pronounced and spelt differently in Spanish called (in Spanish accent) ďsilicon chipsĒ explains the utter failure of the Spanish electronic industry...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, yes.

DN: Repetition of Spanish.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did repeat Spanish. You got out of everything else very cleverly but not Spanish.

DN: Heís getting all hot too! Heís going all sweaty!

RB: This thingís leaking again!

NP: So Derek you now take over the subject of chips, there are 29 and a half seconds left starting now.

DN: Sometimes people say that someone has a chip on their shoulder. And this derives from a rare...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman has challenged.

RB: Sorry, I thought he said from er, sorry.

NP: He did hesitate.

RB: Iím sorry, did he?

NP: Yes he definitely hesitated. There are 24 seconds...

RB: Sorry.

DN: I did not say er!

NP: Chips with you Rob starting now.

RB: Oh God! Um chips are made from...

BUZZ

NP: Clement yes, your challenge?

CF: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes!

RB: And blasphemy!

DN: Why, why is it unfair if I challenge him for hesitation and why is it fair if Freud challenges him?

NP: Itís the other way round, youíve forgotten a;ready, he challenged you for hesitation.

DN: No, no, I challenged him too.

NP: Yes...

DN: Youíre not paying attention as usual!

NP: But I agree with your challenge...

CF: Oh thank you.

NP: And you have 22 seconds on the subject of chips starting now.

CF: They do now commercially sell a new kind of chip which is full of synthetic flavour like cucumber and newt, or pork scratchings. In fact a vast number of nasty artificial taste...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman has challenged.

RB: Repetition of artificial.

NP: No.

CF: Thatís another wrong challenge.

RB: Sorry.

NP: Itís all right.

RB: I failed abysmally.

KW: You just got another point, thatís what, heís got another point.

NP: No he hasnít, Clement Freudís got another point.

KW: He was wrongly challenged so he gets a point, thatís what Iím saying.

NP: Yes all right, the audience know that!

KW: Well I watch these things! Iím very sharp! Oh Iím sly! Ooohhh yes Iím taken straight out of the knife box!

NP: I think you just tumbled what the rules are!

KW: Yes! Iím watching these two!

NP: Right so Clement has another point and there are six seconds on chips starting now.

CF: Itís a very odd thing that if you go to a fish and chip shop, and ask for a portion of chips, they sling the potatoes in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went so he gets an extra point for doing so and with other points in that round heís moved ahead into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. But Rob Buckman, our guest, is only one point behind them and Kenneth Williams is now trying to get an unsolicited laugh from the audience by some grotesque action which I wouldnít deem to describe.

DN: It wasnít, it wasnít unsolicited, it was solicited, I saw him!

NP: But now heís going to be thrown back on his heels because the subject for you is Baron Corbeaux. Can you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: His real name was Frederick Ralph. And he changed to Baron Corbeaux saying that he was entitled by papal decree to a title. He wrote, among other things...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman challenged.

RB: Sorry, no, it was a slip of the finger. Sorry.

NP: Well he gets a point...

KW: (shouting) You want to cut it out, mate! Youíve already taken two liberties! He takes liberties! Iím a regular here! I come all the way from Great Portland Street! Iím not going to be insulted! Iím not going to be treated like a load of rubbish! Iíve got rights!

NP: No, Kenneth, you won a point for a wrong challenge...

KW: Thank you Nicholas, youíre a lovely chairman! And a kind person!

NP: There are 49 seconds left, Kenneth Williams still has the subject having gained the point for a wrong challenge from Rob Buckman and he starts now.

KW: Author of an incredible tome entitled The Life of Chaze Alecgorgia and Hadrian, which was made a vehicle for the stage, and was a great triumph I believe at the Haymarket. And I know it didnít start there. Among other things he masqueraded in Durham and was thrown out of a house, holding still in his arms the bed head when the Bishop of Durham passed...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two Durhams.

NP: There were two Durhams, the Bishop of Durham and Durham...

KW: All right! Well youíve just done yourself out of a most interesting anecdote! Thatís all! Thatís all! Heís just cut off his nose to spite his face in a desperate attempt to win marks! How petty! Iím not like that! Iím humble! I donít come here to win marks! You donít get that kind of thing from me, do you? Iím not competitive...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: I just try to make the show, thatís all...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... Iím interested in, Iím humble!

NP: I wish youíd stayed in Great Portland Street sometimes! There are 16 seconds for Derek Nimmo to now talk on Baron Corbeaux starting now.

DN: It was quite wrong for Frederick Ralph to call himself Baron Corbeaux because he was extremely fertile! And why he called himself barren I really donít know, but in Durham...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of called himself.

NP: Yes, um...

KW: Also deviation because he didnít know why he called himself Baron, and Iíd already said it was by papal decree that he maintained that he was entitled to the title.

NP: Yes but he did... Clement you have seven seconds on Baron Corbeaux...

KW: But heís just getting seven seconds to try and get in and get the marks! You can see it a mile off, canít you! You can see it a mile off his strategy! You see, he donít know anything about him at all! Heís completely ignorant! He knows nothing about it!

NP: Kenneth! Thank you! Seven seconds, Baron Corbeaux, Clement Freud starting now.

CF: I once spent a very interesting afternoon looking for a painted glass window in Brockinghurst which had been...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point and others, and heís now in the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. Rob Buckman still in third place, and Kenneth Williams at last has some points! Derek your turn to begin, and the subject is hot springs. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Hot springs are found in several parts of the world, particularly in Iceland and New Zealand. And if one goes to the North Island, near Lake Taupo of the aforementioned N-Z place. One can see it at Rotorua and gushing up are hot springs of great heat. And the central heating in that town comes completely from the hot springs as indeed does the water which people wash and bathe in. If one goes further south then one comes to Hamilton and you find there more hot springs and hot mud which is even nicer. Because you can put it on your face and it improves the complexion no end. I remember... swimming in Lake Rotoiti...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Clement. You have 23 seconds on hot springs starting now.

CF: One of the nasty things about hot springs is they do smell very unpleasantly indeed of sulphur. But In Japan where I experienced hot springs, something even uglier occurred to me in that when I registered for the hotel they asked me to wear a very handsome kimono with which I walked down the street, and people laughed. And I...

WHISTLE

CF: Can I go on because it really was rather sad?

NP: Yes.

CF: Um I didnít know why people laughed until somebody explained to me that on the back of the kimono was the price list of the restaurant which had sold me the room in which I was staying! And in fact I was wearing a kimono which said ďegg and chips, 15pĒ! So there, Iím sorry I spoke now!

NP: The um Clement itís actually your turn to begin, having increased your lead at the end of that round. And somebody obviously had a bargain when you wore that kimono. But will you now talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Bargain is something which is cheaper than you would expect it to be, otherwise it would not be a bargain. Some stores, shops, muggersere, culthausers as theyíre called in Germany, have annual occasions, even two or three yearly ones in which all produce and merchandise is...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman has challenged.

RB: Sorry, deviation, you canít have annual occasions occurring two or three times a year!

CF: Or even two or three times. Annually...

RB: Iíve just failed again, havenít I! Sorry! I understand if I do this once more, I have to wind my bowels out on a stick! Is that right? Sorry about this.

NP: No...

RB: Thatís what they said before I came on! They said three false challenges... Iím sorry, Iíll go home! Iím sorry, Iím going back to Great Portland Street!

NP: Iíd rather you stayed actually Rob, because we enjoy hearing from you.

RB: Thank you.

NP: It was a wrong challenge.

RB: Good evening in that case!

NP: Yes, Clement Freud you keep the subject and there are 41 seconds on bargain starting now.

CF: You can get bargains in any profession. A bargain doctor would be somebody who operated on your brain rather less expensively than did somebody better at it. A bargain dentist... would pull out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. Twenty-nine seconds for bargain with you Derek starting now.

DN: I remember the greatest bargain I recently got and that was when I gave my wife a credit card some 12 months ago. And she lost it last Easter. Whoever has found it has not reported it yet and theyíre spending less than she does! So therefore I think this is a tremendous bargain. I like particularly to go to the January sales in Harrods, that lovely shop in Knightsbridge. And the excitement when youíre waiting outside and the gate falls open, in you rush, up the stairs, youíre pulling away at things you know to be a wonderful bargain like a four poster bed or a jelly, whatever it is that you...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point, and other points. But heís still in second place, our leader is Clement Freud. And Rob Buckmanís still in third place and heís going to begin the next round. Rob the subject is payoffs. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

RB: Payoffs is actually or are actually a...

BUZZ

RB MAKES RASPBERRY NOISE

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Repetition.

DN: His bowels have been coming out over here!

NP: Clement, correct challenge, 55 seconds on payoffs starting now.

CF: Payoffs is the ultimate economic financial or accountancy orientated gesture whereby for instance having struck a bet, the bookmaker will clear his books by allowing a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I thought he was speaking haltingly too...

NP: Yes very haltingly.

CF: It was very boring!

NP: Kenneth weíre going to hear from you now on the subject of payoffs and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well in the theatre a payoff is the tag line. So you say ďI left that watch on a lamppost in Cairo in 1955, and I went back and you see, it was still thereĒ. And they say ďwhat, the watch?Ē and you say ďno, the lamppostĒ. Thatís the sort of thing you always call a payoff, and a very good payoff he had tonight, wasnít it? The way itís delivered is enormously important, you see, one must have a very clean feed, so the end line comes out loud...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman has challenged.

RB: Sorry, repetition of line.

NP: Yes yes, Iím afraid there was. So Rob you have the subject and you have 18 seconds to tell us something about payoffs starting now.

RB: Payoffs is an incorrect word. The true plural, like that of courts-martial is actually paysoff which in French is the slang for the Channel Islands. In the Army, paysorf spelled O-R-F...

WHISTLE

NP: So Rob Buckman kept going till the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so, heís still in third place, but not far behind Derek Nimmo. Heís not far behind Clement Freud, but theyíre all a little ahead of Kenneth Williams who begins the next round. Ohhhhhhh!

DN: Ohhhhhhh!

NP: Kenneth is looking very rigid for a change! And heís going to start the next round with door-to-door salesmen. Can you tell us something about those Kenneth in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: They come around selling everything from brushes to lavatory cleaning or carpet bashing, whatever you might call it. And policies with companies that promise that when you fall on hard times, you will get so much cash paid out. And if youíre not there to get it, they say it will be given to your relatives or your dependants, making everything sound like the sort of legs to which you are vaguely attached. They arenít the kind of people you really should allow in, past the doorstep that is. Keep them engaged there while you backwards make aside and give the indication...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of give.

NP: Yes you were, used the word give before. And it was terribly boring, wasnít it! There are nine seconds...

KW: Not half as boring as you are anyway!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes but I do give you good feed lines, donít I! Nine seconds for door-to-door salesmen with you Derek starting now.

DN: I started off life as a door-to-door salesman, that was my first job I mean. I was of course a baby before that...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Four Is.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: Everyoneís just heavily agape!

NP: Yes.

DN: Is, did you say?

NP: Yes.

KW: Repeated I.

NP: A rotten challenge, but it was an accurate one. Ones we usually overlook, and if you do it to Kenneth Williams, he absolutely blows through the roof. But Kenneth you have four seconds on door-to-door salesmen starting now.

KW: They are the sort of people youíd be very careful of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you said people before when you were talking.

KW: Youíre very keen arenít you!

NP: Very keen, heís got in with one and a half seconds to go starting now.

CF: Door-to-door salesmen...

WHISTLE

NP: We have time for one more round, Derek Nimmoís going to begin it and the subject is the film clinch. So Derek would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: The last film that I went to see was called The Champ. It was a most moving story about a young boy going round with his father who had been an ex-boxer. And the penultimate scene within the movie was of a great fight taking place in this enormous arena. And the father of the child got into this...

BUZZ

NP: Rob Buckman challenged.

RB: Repetition of two fathers.

NP: Yes you have 40 seconds to tell us something about the film clinch starting now.

RB: The closest film clinch I ever saw was in a cinematic presentation called Donít Look Now. And the film clinch concerned was between Donald Sutherland and a lady. In fact it looked like a recreation of outpatients as far as I can recall, in that I spent most of the time with my face in the bag of crisps to save my embarrassment and indeed the aforementioned sweetmeat. The other film clinch I remember...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Crisps are not a sweetmeat.

NP: Thatís what I would have thought!

RB: No, no, but they were very cheap!

CF: They might have been a cheap meat!

NP: Theyíre not a sweetmeat. Clement you have five seconds on the film clinch starting now.

CF: I havenít seen the film Clinch, but I did...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, if he hasnít seen one, he canít talk about it.

NP: Well Iím afraid even if you havenít seen one, you can still try and talk about it in Just A MInute, and thatís exactly what he was doing...

DN: Oh right, yes, fine.

NP: Another point and three seconds on the film clinch starting now.

CF: But I saw the same reel as A Day At The Races...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that final whistle from Ian Messiter tells us that we have no more time. As I said a moment ago it would be the last round. And Iíll give you the final score. Kenneth Williams giving his usual good value of course didnít get as many points, though we did hear from him a great deal. He was just behind our guest Rob Buckman. Rob was only just behind Derek Nimmo, but they were all quite a few points behind this weekís winner who was Clement Freud! So we hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again same time next week when once again we take the air and we play this impossible and delightful game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.