JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JBrown
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JANET BROWN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 March 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Janet Brown, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And theyíre going to try and speak once again on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin with Peter Jones. And Peter the subject is my ploy. Many of those are used in Just A Minute. Will you tell us about my ploy in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Well my ploy is to make a remark which will deflate or take down a peg or two the opposition. For instance when I see Kenneth Williams on the way here I might say to him "have you thought of going to a really good elocutionist who might help you with your diction?" And this has the effect of upsetting him terribly. I might go to a restaurant and say to the head waiter "I want a really good meal, can you suggest a first class place where I could go to get it?" And this has the effect of putting them on edge and generally one is at a great advantage afterwards. To chairmen I have a er different approach...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown has challenged.

JANET BROWN: Hesitation.

NP: No! I want to hear what he says about the chairman!

PJ: Ah! Thought he might! Ah you see, yes!

NP: So thatís a different ploy! But no I donít think it was hesitation Janet so I donít consider that a correct challenge...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CLEMENT FREUD: Boo!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh you see youíre being challenged from the floor! Theyíre seething yes! Thereís an undercurrent of rebellion running round! Itís really hotting up mate! Oh itís really hotting up!

CF: The natives were certainly rumbling!

NP: Janet as you are our guest and the audience obviously feel that I should show sympathy and understanding towards you, I give you a point for that challenge and also keep the subject with Peter to be utterly fair because that was my original decision. And there are 20 seconds left Peter on my ploy starting now.

PJ: Well I create a situation whereby the chairman has to apologise and reverse his decision...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged you then.

CF: Repetition of chairman.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say it before.

CF: Weíve enough trouble with one!

NP: He repeated chairman and there are 12 seconds left Clement and you take over the subject of my ploy starting now.

CF: I donít really have a ploy...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If he hasnít got one he canít talk about it!

NP: But in Just A Minute whether you have one or know anything about it you still have to try and keep going on the subject and not deviate, and this is what Clement was endeavouring to do. So he has nine seconds to continue with my ploy starting now.

CF: As such. But you might say that an honest, honourable, decent, light weight, hard working, industrious, bearded...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going with my ploy until the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up and as you know whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud has three and the lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud would you begin the second round and the subject is soda water. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: One of the saddest things about everyday life is the dearth of free soda water available in pubs and bars today. Not very long ago one used to be able to go almost anywhere and on the counter there was a syphon, bottle. Or even if you asked for soda water it cost no money. And therefore you could take in your pocket a slice of lemon, two cubes of ice and your hip flask and without an outrageous sum of money spent you could partake of a pretty decent beverage for free. No more! And I deplore this! I would make a plea to anyone who is a licensee in England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland and all the provinces, the third world who receive this programme every now and again, albeit a little later than we have it here, and say "give us free soda water...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of free.

NP: Yes. You mentioned free right at the beginning. Peter you have nine seconds now having got in after that long dissertation to talk about soda water starting now.

PJ: Well I think that whoever wants soda water should be prepared to pay for it whether theyíre in the third world or anywhere else, apart from the next! And not only that...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams got in just before the whistle.

KW: Yes I detected a hesitation...

PJ: No hesitation at all!

KW: ...a pause, he got into a terrible mess there, I think that I should take it...

PJ: Rubbish, absolute rubbish...

NP: There was a hesitation there, a little pause....

PJ: No no heís only interrupting to show heís alive! Because he hasnít spoken!

NP: Well I think thatís a very good reason to interrupt. But I agree with the hesitation and thereís half a second on soda water Kenneth starting now.

KW: It helps you to burp!

WHISTLE

KW: Itís a very good thing!

NP: So Kenneth got the extra point then, heís in second place now and heís going to begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is my average day. If you have an average day will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It inevitably begins with the cup of coffee and then the phone call of which that dear friend Maudie Fittleworth-Fun-With-A-Frankfurter excratiates at length upon the business of her exploding bow tie and the various seances she attends. Sheís something of a medium. And how her ectoplasm explodes as well as her bow tie.

BUZZ

KW: And though Iíve said it twice it doesnít really matter!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of explode.

KW: Well Maudie Fittleworth always is exploding dear! Thatís the whole point of Maud...

PJ: Everybody you know seems to explode in one way or another!

NP: This is his average day! I mean what a way to start...

PJ: I know! A day in the life of Windy Williams!

NP: If Maudie Fittleworth is your average day I hate to think what your er abnormal one... er. Peter I agree with the challenge. There are 36 seconds for my average day starting now.

PJ: Well my average day naturally falls somewhere in between one of those incredibly exciting days when something really most...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Iím afraid hesitation.

NP: Your fears are correct and there are 27 seconds on my average day Kenneth starting now.

KW: And it always includes the business of brushing the teeth which should be done from the top of the gum downwards and not across. Because then you dislodge the particles you see in between the dentate objects Iíve discussed earlier on, molar or canine depending on your proclivities. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ah Iíve done myself in there!

BUZZ

NP: You certainly did...

KW: What happened?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: Oh what are you saying?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

CF: Ha.

NP: I think he... Clement he definitely hesitated but he didnít repeat himself. No no he didnít say ha ha ha ha ha ha. He was just laughing.

CF: Thatís what he said!

NP: No no. Because that wasnít part of what he was talking about. So therefore that was an incorrect challenge. If youíd had him for hesitation I would have agreed. So I leave it with Kenneth...

MURMURS FROM AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your row! Will you all get control of yourself! Weíll have no rebellion here against this fine chairman! Marvellous man! What a man! You wonít find his like anywhere else!

CF: No!

NP: See how quickly they change when you give it in their favour! Kenneth there are three seconds on my average day starting now.

KW: And then a spoonful of honey taken with a little warm water...

WHISTLE

KW: Does that mean Iíve won?

NP: You havenít won yet, weíve got about another 20 minutes...

KW: Iím in the lead, I mean!

NP: Oh youíre definitely in the lead, yes! But I was going to announce it with a little bit more penache than that...

KW: Oh good! Yes!

NP: And say at the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, he had a little bit of encouragement from the audience and the chairman. And heís got a very commanding lead at the end of the round. Janet Brown, your turn to begin. The subject is how I choose my stockings. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

JB: Well being asked how I choose my stockings is really rather an old fashioned phrase. I would no longer choose stockings but tights. However I prefer to go back to my childhood days and think about Christmas stockings and the joy that was experienced when one was having them filled up. But in my case I preferred not to have stockings but a pair of school nickers and there they hung from the mantelpiece. These lovely navy blue gym nickels with a large brass ornament in the top...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

JB: ... to keep them from falling down. The reason for this being that the elastic at the bottom prevented any parcels slipping between the legs.

NP: Janet Janet youíre doing magnificently but Iím afraid you were challenged by Clement Freud after...

JB: Iím sorry I didnít hear.

NP: ... 28 seconds. What was the challenge?

CF: Two nickers.

NP: Yes.

JB: But you have to have...

CF: Nicker nicker.

NP: Yes.

JB: You canít have one nicker!

NP: Well thatís a pair of nickers really isnít it? But you repeated the word nickers Iím afraid and so as the chairman is Nicholas Parsons I think itís...

JB: Boom boom!

NP: Clement it is a correct challenge. There are 32 seconds on how I choose my stockings in 32 seconds starting now.

CF: As I donít wear stockings myself I choose them for such female members of my family who do not wear tights or nickers, among which I would like to mention...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Peter Iím inclined to agree with you, yes. And I also want to know how Clement Freud knows which members of his families.... But anyway thank goodness weíre not going to go into that as Peter has the subject and there are 15 seconds on how I choose my stockings starting now.

PJ: Well I go into the... house..

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams....

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so.

PJ: Yes yes I didnít get off the ground really.

NP: So weíll hear from Kenneth Williams on how he chooses his stockings now. How I choose my stockings Kenneth and there are 13 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I swan into one of these large department stores and go to the hosiery counter and ask for a beige or gun metal shade which is awfully becoming to my shapely calf...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams once again was speaking once again when the whistle went and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones your turn to begin the next round and the subject is sideshows. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well theyíre not what they were. I can remember seeing the most fascinating things at sideshows, attached to circuses. I remember once I met the oldest man in the world or he was alleged to be by the bills. And he was 156. And it was quite extraordinary shaking this paused hand. And he was very fragile, naturally he was and er have you all put down the buzzers? I always get completely unnerved you see. I always get unnerved...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown has challenged.

JB: Yes he, he hesitated.

NP: Absolutely right!

PJ: Yes I did!

NP: He came to a blinding halt actually! Janet what a brilliant challenge!

KW: It was the paused hand that put you off wasnít it?

PJ: Right yes!

KW: I knew it was! I sure you look white!

NP: Yes!

PJ: I identified with it!

KW: I knew that! I could feel something coming over you!

NP: And Janet was so overcome she could hardly press her buzzer! But she got in there!

JB: Well er...

NP: There are 29 seconds Janet Brown for you to talk about sideshows starting now.

JB: Well the picture of the paused hand that Peter has just given us so upset me. Because in my past days at sideshows I always found enormous enjoyment. Simply walking round the stalls, listening to the children laughing, hearing the sounds of the music, looking at them playing around on the playground that they had, I thought that this was marvellous fun. And of course if it came to getting a gun, trying to aim for the circle of that little red dot on the other side of the wall. Who cares, who cares, everybody knew...

BUZZ

NP: Awwww! One second to go and so who cares, who cares? Clement Freud did...

CF: I care!

NP: Yes! So one second Clement on sideshows starting now.

CF: I find the cabinet...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got in just before the whistle, gained an extra point but heís still one point behind our leader Kenneth Williams. And Clement your turn to begin. The subject is time. Will you tell us something about time in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Herbally speaking thyme together with bay and parsley is one of the three main...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Herbs!

NP: Herbs! Why...

PJ: Hesitation! Hesitation!

NP: I think youíre right! Iíve never seen so much hesitation! There are 50 seconds left on time with you Peter starting now.

PJ: It makes a very good herb attached to rosemary. You can make a little bunch of it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation. It doesnít make a very good herb. It is a very good herb.

NP: Yes it isnít attached to rosemary, it is a herb in its own right! So Clement that is a correct challenge and there are 46 seconds on time starting now.

CF: It would of course be absurd to say that if you live in Auckland or Australia ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Well deviation! Whatís that got to do with this thyme thing on this earth?

NP: Clement hesitated and you have got the subject...

CF: I wasnít challenged for hesitation!

NP: ... and there are 41 seconds on time...

CF: I wasnít challenged for hesitation!

NP: ... starting now.

CF: I wasnít challenged for hesitation!

KW: Time ruleth in a great stream...

CF: I wasnít challenged for hesitation!

KW: And look at that all... Whatís the matter? Whatís happened?

BUZZ

NP: Heís muttering in his beer again! Clement what are you muttering about?

CF: Deviation. He said "whatís the matter?" Wasnít talking about time.

NP: Youíre doing your one-upmanship...

CF: No Iím not.

NP: ... and itís a revolting deceptive one-upmanship and itís not right! Kenneth Kenneth you have another point for that wrong challenge and there are 35 seconds on time starting now.

KW: Time gentlemen please is what you often hear in the ale house or inn or public place of refreshment. And what a dolorous note it strikes in the heart of those who wish to stay on and have another noggin or one for the road hahahahaha!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud

CF: That was repetition.

NP: Of yes?

CF: Ha-ha-ha! I mean it came out, it came out...

NP: Iíll give it to you this time and yes...

CF: Oh I donít want charity! I mean...

NP: Iím not giving you charity. Iím trying to be fair to everybody in the game so you all have a fair turn. Clement there are 12 seconds on time starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting things returning from the Antipodes is that you pass something called the international dateline where one minute it is quarter to 11 and the next...

WHISTLE

CF: You shall never know!

NP: And the next second the whistle goes telling us the Just A Minute time is up. Clement Freud was again speaking and so he has gained an extra point and heís now equal with Kenneth Williams in the lead. So Kenneth look to your laurels in this game and itís your turn to begin. A subject specially chosen for you. Tiberius Cempronius Gracas.

CF: Do you mean the other subjects are not specially chosen for us?

NP: I do not mean that...

KW: No! Because Iím special! Iím the one thatís special! And you get that through your head! And get it in your head now! Or I shall go stark raving mad! Because I am special, arenít I Nicholas?


NP: Kenneth...

KW: You agree with me donít you! You said to me in the corridor didnít you! "Youíve got something!" You were admiring...

NP: The trouble was it was something of mine!

KW: No the oatmeal, the oatmeal! Donít you remember! The oatmeal!

NP: You were wearing it!

KW: Yes!

NP: Right Kenneth! Every subject is chosen! The fact that this one is chosen especially for Kenneth has got nothing to do with the idea that others are chosen especially for you Clement.

CF: Ah!

NP: Tiberius Cempronius Gracas. Kenneth can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of two known of course as the Graci. What an illustrious pair of sons they were to that great city of Rome. And as a tribune representing the fibia, donít forget who were opposed to the Patricians, he saw the alleviation of worse wrongs in the small holding area of the populace. And with the great legacy of Pergeman said to the Senate "give these riches to the people!" And was brutally murdered by those who held power ... oohh! Iím carried away! Really I am! And of course he died and thatís it you see!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams is taking a bow at the end of that! He had 45 seconds to tell us about Tiberius Cempromius Gracas and then he dried up and Clement Freud was the first to challenge. So Clement your challenge was?

CF: A hesitation.

NP: That is right and so you take over the subject and you start now.

CF: I..

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! There are 13 and a quarter seconds for Tiberius Cempronius Gracas Peter starting now.

PJ: Well all that I can safely say about Tiberius Cempronius Gracas is that his middle name was Cempronius! I donít think anybody can really challenge that!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of really.

NP: Oh yes I can really say and I can really challenge. Yes that is correct Clement. So with two seconds to go youíve got in again on Tiberius Cempronius Gracas starting now.

CF: Gracas ST...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud listening well and challenging well has gained a number of points in that round and has taken the lead ahead of Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones is in third place and Janet Brown is trailing a little. And weíre back to Peter Jones to begin and the subject is the odd man out. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Wasn;t it a wonderful film with James Mason and Orson Wells. And they played that music er that haunting er oh I canít remember that...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: A bit of hesitation I thought! A bit of hesitation there! He got the wrong film!

NP: Yeah I thought that was very quick of you to pick that up Kenneth! In like a flash you were! Yes! Well done!

KW: Mixed it up with Third Man I thought!

NP: And I agree with the challenge and there are 51 seconds for the odd man out starting now.

KW: The odd man out is the one seated on the edge you see, at the ball like a grass widow or blue stocking as he was originally known. Incidentally that word has been taken over in quite a wrong connotation, due to corruption, rather like bright helms becoming brighten. And these mistakes give rise to all sorts of common misapprehensions which should be put right! Odd man out was the chap who at the dance didnít get a go, you see! No partner appeared! Obviously he was reeking of BO and they all thought "Oh! Letís give him a miss my dear!" which was the origin of the nosegay because they shoved the lot in their face and thought "perhaps that will take away this terrible stink!" But of course then there were these other odd men out who were card game ev... evacuees banished...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown has challenged.

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that, yes it was very strange and there...

PJ: Hesitation and perspiration!

NP: There are two seconds Janet, youíve got in there, just before the whistle with the odd man out starting now.

JB: I always feel sorry...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have an interesting situation in the score now. Janet Brown and Peter Jones are pretty well equal together now in third place, no in second place because equal together in first place are Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And we havenít much longer so itís going to be a tight squeeze to the finish. That sounds bad! Clement Freud weíre back with you to begin. The subject is snake charmers. Will you tell us something about snake charmers in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: There are several good stores in German Street where you can purchase boxes or hats, even coffers and baskets in which serpents or other snakes may be kept in order to be charmed in public. Many sideshows at circuses up and down the country, also in towns and cities...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation Iím afraid. Definite hesitation! Yes Iím afraid so! Hahahhahhahahahaha! Got him! Got straight in there like lightning!

CF: Good challenge! Very good challenge!

NP: Well I actually thought there probably wasnít! But Clement Freud decided...

CF: Good challenge!

NP: ... that he definitely hesitated which I think is very generous of him...

CF: Good challenge!

NP: And so Kenneth you have 41 seconds to take over the subject of snake charmers starting now.

KW: Indian roulette is where the man sits in the middle with his snake charmer flute surrounded by six deadly cobblers who are mesmerised...

BUZZ

NP: I tell you what.... Janet Brownís challenged you!

KW: What on?

NP: Everyone in the audience is wondering who is going to explain to you your mistake! Well you did make a slight error there!

KW: What was it?

NP: You were, you were talking about snakes and you referred to cobblers!

KW: Cobras!

NP: No you said cobblers!

KW: I think this recording should be played back!

NP: Well everyone in this audience thought you did!

KW: Well theyíre all idiots!

NP: They wouldnít, they wouldnít be wiping their eyes...

KW: Anyway, this man, he got his...

NP: Iím sorry! You were challenged!

KW: Oh take no notice! Heís got his snakes... and, and this snake charming flute can mesmerise these deadly cobras, you see...

NP: Yes!

KW: So heís not in any danger of these six deadly cobras...

NP: Yeah, yes Kenneth...

KW: But one of themís deaf! One of themís deaf you see! What a lot! As if anyone would say cobbler for cobra! I mean! One mends a shoe, the other one can be a shoe!

NP: No, no, I do agree, I donít think anyone would say that but you might! And Janet Brown got in with both a challenge...

KW: She shouldnít be on it! We shouldnít have women on the show anyway!

JB: Yes you should!

NP: She challenged you for repetition...

KW: Why should we have women on this show! It used to be all right when it was male!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: When it was all male!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: Youíve ruined it eh!

JB: No we havenít!

KW: Shut your row! Shut your row!

NP: So Janet we have a little time left to play the game so will you bring a touch of purity...

JB: Yes!

NP: ...sanity, intelligence...

JB: Indeed!

NP: And also charm and your natural wit...

JB: Thank you!

NP: ... in 30 seconds with the subject of snake cobras, I mean um, snake charmers starting now.

JB: I once appeared in a show with a snake charmer. And while standing in the dressing room, I said "where are they?" meaning the cobras. I say that very clearly! (starts to giggle) Iím sorry but Kenneth Williams is looking at me! And when I asked him where these snakes were (giggling) she said "theyíre in that bag lying on the dressing room table". And there they were! Fortunately the bag was zipped up! And so I was in no trouble at all! But I said "why do you keep them so near the radiator?" She said "in order...

WHISTLE

KW: Hahahahahahahahaha!

JB: Itís true!

NP: Well the innocent subject of snake charmers brought a hillarious finish to this particular game of Just A Minute. And so let me tell you in the final situation, Peter Jones who did well, so well at the start came in fourth place. But he was only one point behind our guest Janet Brown who had this great flourish at the end to arrive in third place, a few points behind Clement Freud who finished one point behind our winner who is Kenneth Williams. Well as you can hear listeners, itís a very popular win and Iím sure that if Kenneth Williams hadnít won, the audience would have been most disappointed in view of the contribution heís given to the programme. So let me say that weíve enjoyed playing Just A Minute as always. We hope that youíve enjoyed listening to it. And from all of us here today, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.