JAM:KWilliams,PJones,SHancock,MWood
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, SHEILA HANCOCK and MICHAEL WOOD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 January 1982)

NOTE: Michael Wood's only appearance, Ian Messiter's 300th appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Sheila Hancock and Michael Wood in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And this week we have two of our regulars, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones. We welcome back Sheila Hancock who has courageously and nobly come to do battle with these fellows again in this um delightful game, or impossible game, whichever way you look at it. And we welcome someone who has not played the game before, Michael Wood. Which requires even more courage if you know how the game is played. The rules remain the same. Iím going to ask our four panellists if they can speak on some subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this week we will begin the show with Kenneth Williams. And the subject Kenneth, is what amazes me. You have 60 seconds and you start now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: What amazes me and has always, every time I hear an account of it, is balloon flying. I suppose that is the correct term to use because I think you need such courage to get into that gondolier and float away, looking at the ground, a patchwork quilt spread out below. Farms and valleys, dales and hill, with no apparent propulsion. Silence is the key...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Wood has challenged. Michael?

MICHAEL WOOD: Yes ah, there could hardly be any apparent propulsion in farms and valleys and dales and hills, I would have thought.

NP: So youíre challenging on deviation? Well I mean you do get sorts of gusts of wind that get caught in the valley and do manage to have an effect, surely.

PETER JONES: I should have thought Kenneth Williams would be familiar with gusts of wind!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, IM AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: One of his favourite topics!

NP: Michael, it is awfully difficult to judge on these things, but I donít think he was, strictly speaking, deviating from the subject on the card of what amazes him. So he keeps the subject, he gets a point for an incorrect challenge and he continues and there are 30 seconds left starting now.

KW: What amazes me also is my extraordinary resourcefulness. How I can dredge up, so to speak, from an inner reservoir a whole mass of talent and charm, charisma one might put it in that fashion...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged

PJ: Well... thatís really a matter of opinion! And I donít happen to share it!

NP: So your challenge is deviation?

PJ: Yes.

NP: Well I will not judge on whether Kenneth has that charm and charisma that he thinks he has...

PJ: Oh heís got it all right, but he canít dredge it up!

NP: Well that is the challenge and Iím not going to judge on that one, because I can only upset friends and make enemies that way. So Iím going to let our audience in the studio be the final judges of that. So you can cheer for Peter Jones if you agree with the challenge, you boo for Kenneth if you disagree, and you all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I agree the cheers have it, so you win, Peter Jones. Peter you have the subject, a point for a correct challenge according to the audience, 13 seconds left, what amazes me starting now.

PJ: What amazes me is the lack of good manners...

BUZZ

NP: And Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. So Sheila there are nine seconds left on what amazes me starting now.

SH: What amazes me is that I come back year after... month to do...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh she set, she set that snare deliberately!

NP: I know but Michael got in...

SH: Who challenged?

MW: Oh a definite hesitation there, I thought.

NP: Yes.

MW: Iím really sorry Sheila but...

NP: Iím going to give the subject to Michael Wood with three seconds to go, Michael. The subject is what amazes me starting now.

MW: What amazes me is that this programme is even heard out in the mountains of Peru...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter who sits beside me blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that magic moment gets an extra point. And Iím delighted to say it was our guest Michael Wood, and therefore he takes the lead at the end of the first round. Peter will you begin the next round, it is, oh yes, a subject, wire coat hangers. Will you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I donít happen to like them. And Iíve noticed that whenever one visits friends in the country or stays in rather inferior hotels, boarding houses, the wardrobes and cupboards are always full of wire coat hangers. People seem disinclined to throw them away. I donít know why. Joan Crawford, I believe, was obsessed with them. And she chastised one of her children because she um...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila, yes Sheila?

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, he obviously hasnít seen the film yet. Um so Sheila you have the subject of wire coat hangers, there are 35 seconds and you start now.

SH: My wardrobe is absolutely crammed with wire coat hangers, for the simple reason that I seem to get a lot of cleaning done. And whenever you receive your things back from the cleaners, they are on these particular objects. And they are peculiarly nasty. They always fall off with a clatter to the ground. However I have found one very good use for them. The aerial in my car radio broke off and I was in the midst of listening to a very good show, and I happened to have a wire coat hanger in the back. So I squeezed it into an elongated...

WHISTLE

NP: And I can assure you it does work, because Iíve done the same, Sheila. Sheila you were speaking as the whistle went, you gained that extra point and now youíve taken the lead at the end of the round. And itís your turn to begin as well, the subject is letter writing. You have 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is something that I spend one or two days a week at least doing. Because I have the longest...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Kenneth, there are 52 seconds, letter writing starting now.

KW: What more delightful happening can occur, than to have the envelope fall through the box and know a dear friend is writing a bon mot, a little witticism to you through the post. I am the er...

BUZZ

KW: I was going to say Iím post office preferred but I, you know...

SH: Youíre what?

KW: I was going to say Iím post office preferred, you know. Pop, do you remember? Post office preferred, they said if your letter box was a certain width, they preferred it that way. You remember that? Itís all died out now but they were mad about the 10 inch slot, and I didnít have a big enough slot. Who challenged me, Nick?

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged you.

KW: Oh I see. Well sheís every right to do so!

SH: Quite!

NP: You have 35 seconds on letter writing, Sheila Hancock, starting now.

SH: Only today I had a letter from a gentleman who lost his wife five years ago, and I wrote with a little bit of advice, and the names of some places that he should contact. And he sent me the lovely news that at one of these societies that he went to, there was a nice Red Cross nurse there whom he is now very friendly with and he has just come back from a cruise, and had a simply nice time. So those are the sort of letters that I enjoy both writing and receiving and as I do say I do spend about one day a week doing that...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

SH: Oh I said it before yes.

KW: Well itís repetition, she told us that before!

NP: She repeated the whole phrase, didnít she.

SH: Yes, quite!

NP: So there are...

SH: Well challenged Kenneth!

NP: Well challenged Kenny, well done!

KW: Thank you! You are nice!

NP: Isnít he brilliant at the game! Kenneth there are six seconds on letter writing starting now.

KW: The ones that I dread of course are to those when the envelope says OH...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Iím questioning his syntax. The ones I dread of course are those ones to whose, what was it you said?

KW: Well I canít remember now.

SH: Iím sure it was devious though.

NP: I think actually Sheila, if we challenged on syntax in a game where you have to try and keep going without repeating the words, we would never get going at all.

SH: All right.

NP: So I think Kenneth you have one fifth of a second, letter writing starting now.

KW: Writing a letter at home on a beautiful day...

WHISTLE

NP: Well thereís no need to tell you, with all the points that Kenneth Williams got in that round, that he is now in the lead.

KW: Oh good! Oh joyful day! Joyful news!

NP: Michael Wood your turn to start, the subject, searching. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

MW: Searching is something I spend a great deal of my life doing. So much so in fact that whenever I go to work and walk in through the door, the commissionaire says to me ďhave you found it yet?Ē Or ďare you still looking?Ē But I also spend a large amount of my life at home searching, because as all my friends will...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He talked about a large part of his life earlier.

NP: I know he did, he repeated the whole phrase again.

PJ: Yes.

NP: So that was a very definite repetition and Peter you take over the subject with a point gained, and 42 seconds left, searching starting now.

PJ: Well Iíve spent a lot of my time searching. Mostly for stamps, envelopes, the addresses of people to whom I want to write, er fountain pens...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Er hesitation.

NP: I think so Sheila yes. Thirty-three seconds on searching with you Sheila starting now.

SH: I am searching for the answer to life. At the moment I feel there is something more to it than perhaps I have achieved. Iím going to do an Open University course, and Iím going to watch Michael Woodís programmes, and try and discover more about the English countryside and all the wonders that there are before me, which I feel I have spent half my life not discovering...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged.

KW: Well her syntax is appalling! I mean! I mean to say!

NP: I think the only fair thing is we give Kenneth a bonus point for a good challenge, getting back at Sheila...

SH: You didnít give me one! You didnít give me one!

NP: No, but, but the joke was, heís got back at you on your challenge and I think that deserves a bonus point.

KW: It was brilliant, you see I turned...

SH: Well I said his joke well then!

KW: That was what you call parrying the blow, you see!

NP: But Sheila you can keep the subject...

SH: Iíd forgotten what a rotten quiz master you are!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Now before, before you go any further, Sheila, let me tell you that you keep the subject and you also get a point for a wrong challenge...

SH: Ah good!

NP: You have seven and a half seconds actually on searching starting now.

SH: Searching in my handbag this morning for a handkerchief, I discovered a purse, and searching in my purse I discovered...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Ah no Peter, Peter, Peter challenged just before the...

PJ: She repeated purse.

NP: And sheís, thatís right yes.

SH: So I did.

NP: Peter Jones has a point, the subject and one fifth of a second on searching starting now.

PJ: Searching...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh that was a desultory round of applause for the... Um at the end of that round Sheila gained a number of points, and Kenneth had one more, and theyíre now equal in the lead. And Kenneth is going to begin the next round, Kenneth the subject, witchcraft. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: I recall an occasion in Round The Horne when the question was put ďwhich craft did you sail in?Ē And we said ďa very chic little dinghy but we was washed overboardĒ. And Kenneth said...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Wood has challenged

KW: ... ďdid you manage to drag yourselves up?Ē and we said ďno, we just wore casuals!Ē

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: It was very amusing! Who, who had the temerity to interrupt me?

NP: You guessed, Michael Wood.

MW: Grammar, Iím afraid, we was. I mean we canít really allow that on this programme.

NP: Oh weíve allowed it so often in 15 years! We canít suddenly have rules about Kennethís grammar after.... Michael I...

MW: I bow to you then, Doctor Syntax!

NP: No itís not that, I mean we bow to your superior judgement and knowledge and wisdom and command of the English language...

SH: Oh donít crawl Nick, donít crawl!

NP: Iím not, Iím making him feel better, having just pushed him down! We, Kennethís been doing this for so many years, we have to allow him, otherwise we wouldnít have a show.

PJ: This is basically a show for the handicapped!

NP: And now you know why they have a mentally handicapped question master! The subject is still witchcraft Kenneth, you have 44 seconds left starting now.

KW: One thinks of those old hags sitting on that moor crying ďwhen shall we three meet again?Ē

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Terribly bad luck to quote the Scottish play!

NP: And so youíre...

SH: Iím doing it for his own good really!

PJ: Itís too late now, he has to go outside, turn round three times...

SH: Three times, knock and ask to come in!

NP: A point to Kenneth, he keeps the subject, there are 37 seconds, witchcraft starting now.

KW: Yes, unfortunately of course my flow was interrupted, otherwise I would have told you about the coven. Now they all sit there, you see, with eye of newt and er nail, nail of toe, toad...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Wood.

SH: Nail of toe!

KW: Was that Michael Wood?

NP: Yes.

MW: Iím getting really nervous about interrupting Kenneth! Itís terrible!

NP: I know, thatís why I was crawling to him before. Heís quite correct yes.

MW: Definite hesitation there.

NP: Definitely and you have the subject of witchcraft and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

MW: Witchcraft is something Iíve never really dabbled in. Although I must say in its dramatic representations on stage and on film, Iíve been very tempted to try. In fact my next door neighbour is rather an old witch, and sheís often invited me in for tea. And Iíve thought ďwell perhaps I should go and discover a little bit more about this strange and arcane art.Ē Rather like Doctor Faustus I thought, I would be quite willing to sell my soul to the Devil for the kind of bliss that Doctor Faustus had...

WHISTLE

NP: Well a well deserved point for speaking as the whistle went, because not only did he keep going, but he was so interesting and informative at the same time.

KW: I think heíll be in trouble with his neighbour though!

SH: Yes!

NP: Yes!

MW: Iím moving fortunately!

NP: Maybe, as a result of the show? Itís amazing what you have to do to keep going in this show. Peter Jones and Michael Wood are equal in second place, Sheila Hancockís in third place and Kenneth is now definitely in the lead.

SH: Third? I was first a minute ago!

KW: Ah but things have changed!

NP: Kenneth, Kennethís made some points on witchcraft so thatís taken him two points ahead of you Sheila. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is scuba diving. You look, obviously itís been chosen for you specially, you look like a true scuba diver.

PJ: Well thanks very much.

NP: And there are 60 seconds if you can keep going on the subject starting now.

PJ: Itís something I am saving up for my retirement as a matter of fact. Like hang gliding and free fall parachuting. Iím not likely to be doing it for some years. But I understand that you have to have an oxygen tank, and of course a lot of water, to get in and you can breathe under the surface and go about groping on the bottom of the sea or swimming pool, wherever you happen to be indulging in this sport and you can watch the... fish...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, the picture of Peter Jones groping on the seabed! I agree with a hesitation Sheila, the subject is scuba diving and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

SH: I once went scuba diving in Majorca with Frankie Howerd. And had the most enormous problem, apart from being with Frank, that I could not get my bottom underwater. I had the mask and that thing with a tennis ball...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If Sheila couldnít get her bottom underwater, she wasnít scuba diving! She was scuba floating!

NP: I think... all right, Iíll do what I did with Kenneth. Give Peter a point for a nice challenge, a bonus. But Sheila gets a point for a wrong challenge because she was talking about her attempts at scuba diving, and she keeps going with 17 seconds left starting now.

SH: Eventually I scuba floated as Peter quite rightly said, with my head and .... face...

BUZZ

NP: Um Kenneth Williams...

KW: Iím afraid hesitation.

NP: Yes youíre correct...

KW: You know she is a delightful creature but she does tend to trip up on the fluency now and again.

NP: Ten seconds are left, for scuba diving with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: I have never attempted it. But unlike Sheila, I know that my behind would go under, because most people...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, SH, PJ, MW AND THE AUDIENCE

WHISTLE

SH: (crying with laughter) Oh how did we ever get...

NP: Itís an incredible game, isnít it. You get the subject of scuba diving and they finish up talking about bottoms!

SH: We always do!

KW: It was her that started it! She started it off!

SH: We always do on this programme!

NP: Kenneth youíve increased your lead at the end of that round

KW: Oh! Excellent! So joyous!

NP: But Sheila Hancock also got some points so she is still only two behind you.

KW: Oh.

NP: Sheila your turn to begin, the subject, Cupid. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

SH: Itís...

BUZZ

KW: Hesitation!

SH: Oh get off!

KW: Hesitation!

SH: I was drawing breath! You have to draw breath!

KW: Definite hesitation! Donít you agree?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ AND ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: You have to breathe in!

NP: Thatís a definite... there was hesitation, but I hate to think, if anybody had done that to you Kenneth, what your reaction would have been!

KW: But I am quick off the mark!

NP: When youíre...

KW: Thereís no hanging about with me! Iím right in there!

NP: Well Sheila doesnít play the game as often as you do, and I think therefore I am going to be generous to Sheila, and sheís also our guest,d sheís also a lady...

SH: Quite right!

NP: ... and chivalry and all those things come into it. So you have only 59 seconds on Cupid starting now.

SH: Cupid was the Roman version of the Greek god, Eros. And a nice little fellow he is too. Being the god of love, usually depicted with an arrow shooting darts into the hearts of various people, hopefully Kenneth and Michael and Peter. It did so very much with the aforementioned Mister Wood with me, when I first saw him on television. So much so that I asked to have him on a desert island with me, in a programme. Because he is the sort of beautiful person that Cupid often throws their darts at. And entwines the hearts of loving ladies sitting on the end of the set. In fact there are a few who feel the same about Kenneth, I know. Lovely ladies who Cupid has attracted...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

KW: Ah thatís just because she wonít include him in it!

NP: I must say that would have been my challenge. Youíve only got four seconds to go and you havenít me mentioned yet.

PJ: I know.

NP: But whatís Peter challenge?

PJ: She repeated ladies.

SH: Ah.

NP: She did.

PJ: And I knew there wasnít much time to devote to my section of the speech so I...

NP: You got in...

PJ: Repetition really.

NP: So...

SH: Pique!

PJ: I was yes.

NP: You are right Peter, and you have a point for that and four seconds on Cupid starting now.

PJ: The statue of Eros stands in Piccadilly Circus and of course it is, as Sheila rightly...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the situation is still the same at the end of that round despite the fact that Peter Jones got the point for speaking as the whistle went, and Michael Wood your turn to begin, and the subject is space games. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

MW: This question...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Hesitation!

NP: Yes! But...

MW: I was drawing breath! Now look, this is, this is my first time on this programme, I really think you ought to show a little bit of...

SH: Quite right!

NP: Absolutely Michael, you donít, you donít have to underline it. I was going to say exactly that. So Michael, I disagree with the challenge, you get a point for that, you continue, there are 58 seconds, space games starting now.

MW: Of all of us, Peter could perhaps illuminate us most on the question of space games, being the time lord of this programme. Because of course there are multifarious games played...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two of courses.

NP: Yes there were, werenít there? Oh. He is a guest.

KW: Mmmm I canít help that, there were two of courses.

NP: All right, I have to keep within the rules of the game. So Kenneth you have 50, er eight, 58 seconds on space games starting now.

KW: One of the space games I used to play when I was a golden haired child was hopscotch. Because you had to get into certain spaces, and you hadnít must indeed trip over. If you did of course you were immediately disqualified. And I was an enormous success at this, and people would say ďheís the best hopscotcher...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

SH: Repetition of hop.

NP: And scotch.

KW: Ah but thatís hyphenated Sheil.

SH: Is it?

KW: Itís hyphenated! Definitely hyphenated!

SH: And it was going to be scotcher.

NP: But hopscotcher is not.

KW: Oh!

SH: But he said hopscotch first.

NP: Hopscotch first.

KW: Oh well Iíll accept it then. Itís an insult Iíll have to swallow.

NP: You repeated the word hop, and I think itís right to give it to Sheila. Sheila you have 25 seconds on space games starting now.

SH: These are extremely fashionable particularly among teenagers. My eldest daughter being obsessed with space games. And I have continually reprimanded her about wasting money on this rubbishy nonsense. Until a couple of weekends ago, I went to Brighton and had some time to kill with my seven year old in the pouring rain, went into an amusement arcade...

WHISTLE

SH: You know Nick...

NP: And what happened Sheila?

SH: In order, in order to win this game you have to be unutterably boring, donít you!

PJ: Kennethís winning at the moment!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And Sheilaís catching him up fast, sheís only one point behind at the end of that round. So Peter Jones and Michael Wood are sitting in a respectable third and fourth position. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, the subject is paddling. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: I have enjoyed paddling in many places in this world, notably Ceylon. I was in Palestinia and enjoyed going into that salt water...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of enjoyed.

NP: Yes you enjoyed paddling at the beginning, and you enjoyed going in that particular water.

KW: Oh sheís sharp, ainít she?

SH: Mmmm!

KW: Oh!

SH: I get tuned in about just towards the end of the programme!

KW: Oh sheís sharp! Straight out of the knife box, ainít she? Mmmm!

NP: There are 48 seconds for you Sheila, to take over the subject of paddling starting now.

SH: There is nothing more delightful than feeling...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

SH: Now youíll never know what I like feeling!

KW: Hesitation!

SH: Will you!

MW: Yes you might have let her finish the sentence!

SH: Serves you right! I shanít tell you!

NP: Well as you had to pause before you told us, we will leave it to our imagination. Kenneth you have the subject and there are 33 seconds for you on the subject of paddling still Kenneth starting now.

KW: Bernard Shaw said Ēto be single minded a man must be singleĒ. And so I have paddled my own canoe on more than one occasion, in a varied career but paddling...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís talking about paddling his own canoe.

NP: Yes?

PJ: Well thatís not the same as paddling.

NP: Well it is, heís got the word, paddling is the subject, you can take the word in whichever way or in whichever context you like. Otherwise we are limiting the game...

KW: Yes you are a great fool! You fell right in it there, you did! Yes!

NP: There, you got another point Kenneth, youíre doing very well...

KW: Good!

NP: And I think this is going to be the last round so keep going, there are 22 seconds left on paddling starting now.

KW: And a paddle steamer is fun, as you see the wheels paddling away, going down the rivers in America, where they call at places exotic names like St Louis, where we remember of course they paddled the blues. That was a great thing in St Louis you see because they...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of St Louis.

NP: Yes, St Louis, yes. Paddled the blues! I think you could have had him on that one! Played the blues! You donít...

KW: I meant pedalled it, I meant...

NP: I know! But no-one challenged. So Peter, youíve got in very cleverly with two seconds to go on the subject of paddling starting now.

PJ: New Brighton is the best place for paddling with rocks...

WHISTLE

NP: And as I said a moment ago this probably was going to be the last round, and itís turned out to be the last round, because we have no more time alas. Let me give you the final score. Michael Wood, our guest, playing for the first time, contributing magnificently finished in a strong fourth place. Peter Jones with a late flourish there, paddled just up behind Sheila Hancock, he was in third place. Sheila Hancock remained in second place behind this weekís winner who was Kenneth Williams!

KW: Hurray! Hurray!

NP: And itís such a joy when Kenneth wins because it does mean so much to him! It does mean heíll come back again next week, rejuvenated, re something else, and ready to paddle his um oar in this particular... I donít know what Iím talking about! I just think I should say that I hope youíve enjoyed the show as much as weíve enjoyed playing it and you will want to tune in again, same time next week and listen to Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.