JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,VWood
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and VICTORIA WOOD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 August 1982)

NOTE: Victoria Wood's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Victoria Wood in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once to Just A Minute. And once again we have three of our regular players of the game. And weíre delighted to welcome that lovely, delightful and amusing actress, as our guest this week for the very first time, Victoria Wood. And it does require courage to come on and play against these three fellows. And once again, I am going to ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we will begin the show this week, and unfortunately Derekís lost his voice again. But I have no doubt that he will be heard all right because he never fails. And heís going to begin the show with the most incredible thing I know. There are 60 seconds as usual Derek, starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: The most incredible thing I know was revealed on to me quite recently on a trip from Singapore into Jahor Beru. I had crossed the causeway and turned right, and visited this chapís house. Now the interesting thing about it was, although the temperature was 95 degrees outside, inside the air conditioning was going at full blast. It was totally freezing! One had never felt such extreme chill outside the northern part of Scotland or some such place. And I asked the fellow why, he said ďwell I must keep standards up...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Repetition of fellow.

NP: Yes that is right Peter, so you have a correct challenge for which you get a point, and you take over the subject. The subject is the most incredible thing I know, there are 29 seconds left starting now.

PJ: The most incredible thing I know, I read in The Guardian only a few weeks ago. Apparently if a person could speak uninterruptedly for as long as a year, he still wouldnít use as much energy as it takes to boil an egg. Now that does seem to me the most remarkable piece of information. And it was quoted from the Science Monthly, I think it was. And if one could imagine, er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: His imagination ran out!

PJ: Yes.

NP: Yes I agree, so there is a pause and Derek you have the subject back, with a point for a correct challenge and there are three seconds left starting now.

DN: And he had a great big roaring fire going which was the most incredible thing that I know...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was of course Derek Nimmo and he has two points at the end of that round. And Peter Jones who is in second place will begin the next round. And the subject Peter is those who are listening on their car radios. Can you talk on that subject starting now.

PJ: Well those who are listening on their car radios are not necessarily listening to this programme. I think it would be conceited to assume that even the majority were. But may I suggest to those who are listening to this particular show that they turn off the main road or motorway into a bylane, and listen uninterrupted by those ghastly motorcycles that are not fitted with suppressors and spoil a great deal of pleasure for people who are enjoying the music, the humour, wit, and the beautiful use of the English language which is demonstrated on Just A Minute, and not many other shows. Now I am aware that I have repeated the word show, so I feel...

BUZZ

NP: Peter you shouldnít have drawn their attention to it!

PJ: No, I thought theyíd gone to sleep!

NP: No actually we were enjoying it, and we were in such complete sympathy, we wanted you to continue, Iím sure.

PJ: Ah I see, yes, right.

NP: But Derek did challenge, Derek, yes?

DN: Well he repeated show.

NP: As he said, yes right. Derek, 15 seconds on those who are listening on their car radios starting now.

DN: Well those people who are listening on their car radios to Just A Minute at this moment, I suggest that they wind down the windows and tap on passing cars and suggest that they flick over the channel. Because then we might get one of these big audiences that Nicholas Parsons like to boast about... occasionally. But if they...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood has challenged.

VICTORIA WOOD: Well I just thought it was a bit of um...

NP: Hesitation.

VW: Fluff, blurring.

NP: Definitely yes, I thought it was a hesitation.

DN: Well listened, Victoria.

NP: Victoria yes, and you have played the game that Clement Freud regularly plays and the others try to, and that is getting in just before the whistle goes. You have literally half a second to talk on those who are listening on their car radios starting now.

WHISTLE

NP: So weíre still to hear Victoria Wood speaking on a subject, and yet sheís in second place with two points at the present moment!

PJ: Well I would like to congratulate Victoria Wood on her debut, because her speech, unlike many of the others, didnít drag at all. I thought it was a splendid start!

NP: Right, Kenneth weíre going to hear from you now. Oh yes what a lovely subject for you, going off the deep end. Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Most of the people that go off at the deep end do so because of provocation. And thatís what Iíve been subjected to on more than one occasion, doing this game! Coming all the way from Great Portland Street at considerable inconvenience, because my feet are not all...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Victoria Wood has challenged.

VW: Deviation.

NP: Why dear?

VW: Well his feet are nothing to do with it, are they?

NP: Ah but he was, his feet have got nothing to do with going off, well you never know, going off at the deep end. But I donít think he, he had deviated from the subject sufficiently. He was demonstrating, ah, that it is very difficult, ah, for him and ah... I think sheís a guest, I think I should give it to her, donít you?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Victoria, Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt. There are 40 seconds for you to go on the subject of going off the deep end starting now.

VW: Well I go off the deep end when I go swimming at the Morecambe and Lancaster Recreation Area Centre Pool deep end. And what I do is I go in my navy costume which has a halter neck and itís sort of gathered under the bust, and it sort of goes up at the neck. Itís very attractive and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two sort of.

NP: Yes isnít it terrible. Oh rotten isnít it. It is difficult, isnít it. Um...

KW: Thatís what I felt when I was pulled up in the middle of discussing my feet!

NP: I know! And you were very sporting. For once you never berated me for that. So Kenneth you have the subject back again and there are 24 seconds for going off the deep end starting now.

KW: I did it in a play once, and shot into the wings. And said ďhow dare you not give me that cue on time, you great fool!Ē And shoved the other actor into what appeared to be a pageant lamp. And it fell on him and cut him considerably. And the producer came to my dressing room and said ďthis boy is in great pain, as a direct result of your...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís talking about the results of going off the deep end, not actually going off the deep end you see. Heís rambling on about his feet and about this other actor and everything. And Great Portland Street! Heís giving us so much extraneous information!

NP: Yes on this occasion he really had got on to the subject of the actor and his injuries, and not actually going off the deep end. So I agree with you Peter, you have four seconds for the subject starting now.

PJ: Hold your nose and jump in when youíve first ascertained that the temperature of the water...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round we have an interesting situation. Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Victoria Wood are all equal with three points. And Kenneth Williams is trailing with one. But not far behind! Victoria your turn to begin, the subject is my plums. I can see the relationship in Ian Messiterís mind. But you take it in which ever way you like in the game starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: She didnít start did she!

VW: I thought there...

NP: I know but she hasnít...

VW: I thought there would be a noise to tell me when to start!

NP: Yes, yes, I am the noise...

VW: Iíve only just got here! I mean I canít be expected to know whether youíre supposed to start or not. I thought thereíd be a noise.

DN: If youíd been on time, we wouldnít have had this problem!

NP: The subject is my plums, Victoria Wood is going to talk if she can!

VW: I can!

NP: When I say now, now!

VW: Ah my plums are under the sink in my kitchen which has got red and white wallpaper. And theyíre jammed behind the waste pipe and theyíre in yellow and green tins. And every so often Iíll take out a tin and Iíll open it and put it in my favourite bowl which has got red and blue stripes round, and itís white china...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of red.

VW: What?

NP: You had red and blue wallpaper and now...

VW: Itís different shades of red actually!

NP: Itís a very good reply Victoria but Iím afraid if you do repeat the words.... Heís mean actually!

VW: He is, isnít he! I can see that from here yes!

DN: Iím mean, I really am mean! I...

VW: All right...

NP: I mean Kenneth complains about coming all the way from Great Portland Street, but sheís come all the way from Morecambe! Right...

DN: Kenneth the cult! Arenít you Kenneth?

KW: Exactly! Thank you Derek! Iím glad that thatís been... made apparent, yes! I mean thereís too little of it. I mean people donít realise I am a cult figure! I am an enormous cult.

NP: Yes youíre a cult in your own time.

KW: People have said youíre one of the biggest cults around here! Thank you Derek!

NP: And only you would dare say that!

KW: Thank you!

NP: Derek Nimmo you have the subject of my plums, there are 47 seconds starting now.

DN: Well my plums grow in my garden in Northamptonshire, and very beautiful they are. Victoria plums as a matter of fact, and I like them a great deal. And when it comes to the season of the harvest, I take a bowl of them along to the vicar and he always puts them right in front of the altar, so that everyone within our little community can rejoice at the sight of these wonderful purple plums that have given so much joy and happiness to everyone in that part of... the fair country...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes...

PJ: He couldnít quite remember where he lived!

NP: Letís explain for those who donít...

PJ: Curious religious ceremony, this! Putting the plums on the altar! I mean... I must say! Is it some kind of cult that you have there?

KW: Well heís a cult figure up there!

PJ: He must be! Yes, very dark one I should think too.

KW: Yes, part of the cult...

NP: Heís known as the biggest cult in Northamptonshire actually. But ah Peter you have a correct challenge, and you have the subject of my plums and there are 16 seconds starting now.

PJ: My plums are those small damson type that grow best in Shropshire, and perhaps some parts of Northern Worcestershire. And they make the most wonderful cheese. If you boil them with a certain amount of sugar for a very long time, and then leave them preferably for a number of years...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all important extra point, and he has taken the lead at the end of that round, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Derek begins the next round. Derek the subject is an attack of the hiccups. Thatís what you have to talk about starting now.

DN: Actually itís a very annoying thing if you get an attack of the hiccups. I think the best thing to do, if itís a chum thatís been afflicted, is to go along and bang him very hard on the back, and itís quite surprising how quickly it seems to go. Other ways of doing it of course are drinking out of a glass on the wrong side, which is a bit messy because it can dribble down your pants and get awfully damp and nasty altogether. I donít care for that method. But one of the other ways, I think, of getting rid of an attack of the hiccups is to stand on your head, upside down, with your shoes...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Canít stand any other way! Youíre on your head, youíre upside down! Repetition, deviation, boring er repetition.

NP: Actually it was a, it was a description of what he was doing. But Peter we loved your challenge, weíre going to give you a bonus point for that. But we leave the subject...

DN: I didnít like his challenge one little bit!

KW: No, neither did I! I thought it was a load of rubbish!

NP: But you still get a point Derek, for an incorrect challenge...

DN: I donít care! I didnít like his challenge!

KW: No I quite agree!

NP: Youíre entitled to your opinion and...

KW: Heís a cult, with his plums on the altar! And I think you should give him proper respect!

NP: Heís still got the subject and a point and 30 seconds on an attack of the hiccups starting now.

DN: The most incredible thing I know is when you get an attack of the hiccups from eating plums. Because sometimes it does lead to constipation and therefore...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria has challenged.

VW: Iím challenging on medical grounds!

NP: Yes I donít think...

VW: Plums can never lead to constipation!

NP: No..

VW: As I know!

NP: Quite the reverse I would have thought! So Victoria very good challenge and you have 22 seconds for the subject of an attack of the hiccups and you start now.

VW: The thing to do is when you get hiccups is, and Iím just pausing a minute to give you boys a chance to butt in and give me a really bad time! No, Iíve remembered what I was going to say now! The thing to do if you get hiccups is to get...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of the thing to do.

NP: Yes but she was giving you the chance to butt in which you didnít do before and as you didnít do it then...

DN: Until she said the thing to do I didnít want to butt in!

NP: Thatís absolutely rotten to our guest!

DN: I didnít want to butt in on a mean challenge...

NP: Sheís come all the way from Morecambe! And the train was late! And she, she was playing the game in a very unusual way, it was quite... carry on Victoria, you have another point for that, there are 12 seconds on an attack of the hiccups starting now.

VW: The best method to cure a person whoís got hiccups is to stand them in the middle of the room and all stare at them, and they get so embarrassed they forget theyíve got hiccups and they stop hiccuping! Either than that they get really obsessed with the attention and they turn into a career in show business, I donít know which you think is better....

WHISTLE

NP: Well I think Victoria Wood is bringing a new dimension to the game, speaking so fast nobody can make out what on earth youíre talking about! And if you do that with tremendous a-plum as she did, well then you can keep...

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I... keep going to the whistle went, you get an extra point and you go into the lead, alongside Peter Jones which is exactly what she has done. Kenneth itís your turn to begin, and something, this is a subject here that Ian Messiterís thought of, which we thought you might have something to say, and it is called being photographed through a gauze. So you can tell us something on that subject starting now.

KW: Being photographed through a gauze was a practice used in early Hollywood films whereby the subject was made to look infinitely more lovely. Because the lines, so to speak, were taken out of the visage and therefore the appearance was flattered to say the least. Now I heard about Merle Overon who was always done through this gauze. And I said, when I was in Pinewood, Iíd like to photographed through a gauze. Which Iím allowed to say as itís in the subject, you see. And they said ďyouíll be lucky if youíre done through a blanket, mate!Ē Because the makeup people had said earlier on ďyouíre more like a paper hanging job!Ē Which was quite true, but we all agreed that with a regular application of the witch hazel cream you could improve the skin texture enormously. Now my skin is as smooth as a babyís...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of skin.

NP: Yeah what a pity, we were just, really you did repeat the skin Kenneth...

PJ: You think itís a pity that I challenged?

NP: Yes, because I was enjoying it.

PJ: Oh well Iím terribly sorry! I mean itís a curious place to come for your enjoyment! I realise youíve got peculiar tastes but there you are!

NP: I know, itís such a serious programme, Just A Minute...

PJ: You wouldnít be accepting money for it, of course...

NP: No, no...

PJ: Otherwise, youíre cheating somebody.

KW: He is accepting money for it, you great fool! And itís a sight more than youíre getting! I can tell you that much for nothing!

DN: I know! Iíve always thought that was unfair that he got more than us! I mean...

KW: I know! I think itís disgraceful!

PJ: It wouldnít...

KW: Whatís so special about his job that he should get more money? I was appalled when I heard! Iím a cult figure!

PJ: Well it wouldnít...

KW: I mean, Iím a cult!

PJ: It still neednít be very much, if heís getting more than Iím getting! I can tell you Iím not jealous!

NP: That is definitely true. I can tell you, probably if that is true, itís only because I have to concentrate throughout the programme...

DN: You donít concentrate!

NP: You can just concentrate when you want to. Ah Peter Jones...

PJ: Yes?

NP: I agree with your challenge.

PJ: Ah!

NP: He did repeat the word skin three times, and you have eight seconds on being photographed through a gauze starting now.

PJ: Well one of the difficulties about being photographed...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He said one of the difficulties. Thereís not one difficulty with him, thereís hundreds!

PJ: I was going to go through them, one at a time! Whatís the matter with that?

NP: Nothing wrong with it at all Peter! You have another point and five seconds on the subject starting now.

PJ: Well the nine hundred and fifth most difficult thing about being photographed through a gauze is that it...

WHISTLE

PJ: Youíll never know!

NP: So Peter, you have increased your lead at the end of the round, getting points during it, and one for speaking as the whistle went. And Victoria Wood is still in second place and she also begins the next round. And the subject is choosing a frock to suit me. Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

VW: Choosing a frock to suit me is a very long drawn-out process. I think it is taken up to now 20 years and I still havenít found one. But I donít mind because Iím carrying on wearing trousers and jumpers and jeans and swimming costumes like I was telling you about before. So I donít really mind too much that I canít really find a dress. And I said really twice and nobody seems to be interested so I think Iíll just carry on...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I thought Iíd help her out again.

VW: Thank you.

DN: You know, really twice and dress twice she said as well.

VW: I didnít! I said frock once and dress once.

NP: She said frock and then she said dress. Oh you are...

VW: I said really twice actually if you want to be absolutely...

PJ: No I should have, I should have challenged because I did hear it but I wasnít giving it my attention. I still canít get over this business about you getting more money than weíre getting!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Baffling! Baffling!

NP: Peter I will stand you a drink afterwards and thatís just about the amount of money...

PJ: No need to flaunt it!

DN: Itís the first time in 15 years, I can tell you!

NP: Ah Victoria as you drew Derekís attention to your slip-up there...

VW: Yes?

NP: Iím not talking about your clothes by the way...

KW: Oh donít drag it out! Come on, get it out!

VW: Um...

KW: He goes on and on, doesnít he!

NP: It was quite wrong that he should have challenged you. So you keep the subject and you have 40 seconds on choosing a frock to suit me starting now.

VW: If I had to choose...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No, of course not!

KW: Yes, everyone agreed it was hesitation.

VW: No, they donít! They donít!

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

VW: See!

NP: She ah, Victoria...

PJ: Naturally just a bit slow after two and a half hours on the train...

VW: Yes!

NP: You donít come all the way from Morecambe to be challenged for hesitation by Kenneth Williams!

VW: No!

NP: So, only three quarters of a second went by. So you have 39 and a quarter seconds on choosing a frock to suit me Victoria starting now.

VW: What I would do is if I had to choose a frock to suit me, I will go to the shop that does the biggest sizes in the whole world. Because itís rather difficult for me to get a frock that will fit me, because of being 16 on the top and 14 on the bottom. Which means I really have to have a two-piece suit actually, if Iím going to get something that will actually fit...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Suit, repetition of suit.

VW: No, in two different senses, suit to suit, and suit in the costume sense.

NP: Sheís quite right you know Derek.

KW: It doesnít matter in what sense! The wordís the same, and Derekís right, it was repeated! You great fool! Youíre not meant to use it!

NP: Sheís not just a pretty face, sheís a very able player of the game. Sheís doing marvellously!

DN: Is this a new rule, is it, Parsons?

NP: Whatís that?

DN: Another new rule?

NP: No, itís a new guest! All the way from Morecambe! Right carry on with it Victoria, 25 seconds, choosing a frock to suit me starting now.

VW: I think what would suit me best would be a very long one that covered my face as well...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Well a third suit now.

NP: Yes thatís right, I give it to you that time Derek.

VW: But itís in the title! Youíre, Ian Messiter wrote me a letter. He said you can say it if itís in the title.

NP: Yes you can. So you slipped up again.

DN: Oh!

NP: Itís in the title!

DN: Oh I see, Iím sorry.

VW: Okay.

DN: Iím very sorry.

NP: Choosing a frock to suit me, suit, the word suit, you can use it...

DN: Yes all right, all right, Iíve made an absolute mess of it!

NP: Victoria, youíre getting, youíre equal in the lead now with Peter Jones, itís incredible. You have 23 seconds on choosing a frock to suit me starting now.

VW: If I had to pick a garment to flatter my figure, I think I would go to a shop in Regent Street or Oxford Street...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: She has mentioned shop before.

NP: Yes, and street. So Peter you have the subject now and Iíd love to hear what youíre going to tell us in 16 seconds on choosing a frock to suit me starting now.

PJ: Well I did have this experience once when I was playing a pantomime dame. And I had to find not one but several. And it wasnít at all easy, because I found I was looking rather like my aunt. And that would have been embarrassing had she been alive. And I was actually...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, gained another point, and heís still in the lead, just ahead of Victoria Wood. Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are both trailing a little in third and fourth place respectively. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject is tips. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: What I was really sad about was when the 10 shilling note went out of operation, because there was something awfully nice about handing a doorman a 10... oh! Yes! Never mind! Ten... Because it doesnít matter. Weíve already established that if your attention is drawn to it because...

BUZZ

NP: Victoria Wood has challenged you.

VW: Have I? Yes I have. Are you sure?

NP: He repeated the word 10.

VW: He certainly did.

NP: Yes.

VW: I spotted it myself.

NP: It was very quick, the way you picked that up Victoria.

VW: Yes, I was in like a flash!

NP: Right, Victoria, repetition, you have the subject, there are 47 seconds on tips starting now.

VW: The bother about tips is that youíre never quite sure who you are supposed to give them to. I think the rule is quite clear on taxis. I think if you donít give one to a taxi man, youíre in big trouble and I tend to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth.

KW: Give twice.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Thereís no question about the driver being the person to tip if youíre in a taxi! I think thatís quite clear.

NP: Kenneth, you have the subject of tips and there are 37 seconds starting now.

KW: Those steel tips some people have on their shoes really give me the willies! I canít stand that awful click noise that goes on the whole time. And the tips on fags are very me. Because you donít get all those bits of the tobacco sticking to your lips which can be so very annoying. The other tip which I often think of with a certain amount of amusement is the one thatís given you by the would-be know-all who says ďíere, Ďereís a good tip for...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Victoria.

VW: Repetition of Ďere! ĎEre, ereís a good tip.

NP: ĎEre!

KW: Ah, but like you used the word suit in two different senses, one was an ear hole, and the other was air!

NP: I think that was well listened. So Victoria, two Ďeres and you have the subject and you have three and a half seconds on tips starting now.

VW: The trouble about...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: There was a real hesitation then.

KW: Iím afraid so! Yes she just doesnít come in! I think sheís a bit of an invalid! I donít think she can really hear!

NP: Sheís suffering from train lag.

KW: Yes so you never stop reminding us!

PJ: Well if she is, sheís in the right group, isnít she!

NP: Derek you have another point and you have two seconds on tips starting now.

DN: I know a retired general who had to go around in search of fires...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo got the point for the, speaking as the whistle went, at the end of the round. And we have come, alas, to the end of the contest. Let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams, giving his usual good value to the programme, finished in fourth place. Derek Nimmo who has been known on occasions to have a runaway win finished in third place. And in second place, well no, actually, Iíve just seen something. In first place we have joint winners. Not only our guest all the way from Morecambe, Victoria Wood, alongside one of our regulars Peter Jones, our joint winners! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again same time next week when once again we take to the air and we play this ridiculous, delightful, and almost impossible game. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.