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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and GYLES BRANDRETH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 September 1982)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Gyles Brandreth in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, welcome again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, this week we have three of our regular players, and we welcome Gyles Brandreth as our guest. Nobly coming to do battle with these three intrepid players of the game who have got so many tricks that they have mastered over the years of winning in Just A Minute. And once again they are all going to try and speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this week we begin the show with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, the subject, being nosey. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: I was being very nosey once, when I opened a book which contained confidential recommendations. And I thought “well, I’ll look at what they say about me’. And what I found was not, I’m here to tell you, to my pleasure. I found they said “well he’d be more use...” BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged. GYLES BRANDRETH: I wanted really to protect your secrets, and keep them safe really. But he repeated found. NP: Yes I’m afraid you... GB: What I found, what I found... NP: ... did repeat found. So Gyles, you’ve got in... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: ... and for our listeners I’ll tell you, that laugh is because Kenneth has become overcome with embarrassment, and now he’s eyeing his man who is sitting next to him, which is Gyles Brandreth, who has got in with a first challenge. And so he gets a point for that and takes over the subject with 41 seconds left, being nosey starting now. GB: The world’s most professional nosey parkers are of course the KGB. And I’ve had personal experience at their hands, when I visited Moscow some years ago. I was invited as a guest of the Soviet Government, as a consequence of my children’s stories relating to moles. They are long stories with... blunt ends... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PETER JONES: Ah hesitation. NP: Yes I think there was just a hesitation there Peter. So let’s hear from you on the subject of being nosey and there are 22 seconds left starting now. PJ: There’s a great deal to be said in favour of it, because if you don’t become nosey, you very rarely find out anything worth knowing. Because people tend to conceal, and not to reveal information, particularly when it is of a secretive nature. And that after all, is very often the only thing you really want to find out... WHISTLE NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. It was Peter Jones who is in the lead at the end of that round. And they all resisted the temptation to talk about the Parsons nose, I’m pleased to say! Derek will you take the next round, the subject, faces suitable for custard pies. That is the subject, a good one for radio, 60 seconds starting now. DEREK NIMMO: I will not resist the temptation not to talk about the Parsons nose. Because I can think of no more suitable recipient for the average custard pie than the chairman of this game, if that is what is meant by the question. Very curious one isn’t it. Faces suitable for custard pies. Does the chairman mean that we have to chuck the thing into his visage... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: We’ve had chairman twice. NP: Yes. GB: Chairman of this programme, does the chairman mean. NP: I’m afraid yes. So Gyles you take over the subject of faces suitable for custard pies with 40 seconds to go starting now. GB: My own has been a face considered occasionally suitable for a custard pie. For when I once applied for an Arts Council grant, it was considered a good idea that I should wear a custard pie on the occasion. Then... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Deviation, I mean, we all know, this audience is not going to be misled. I mean to say that you would get into university by wearing a custard pie? Are we seriously asked to believe this rubbish? NP: I don’t know, I don’t know if... KW: It’s deviation of the most appalling kind! NP: It might, but he hasn’t actually deviated from the subject on the card. He, this might well be accurate what he’s telling us. It might be in the realms of fantasy which he’ll establish in a moment. I don’t think it’s a correct challenge in the game Kenneth, so Gyles keeps the subject, 27 seconds starting now. BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: A full stop, I would have said! Twenty-five seconds for you Peter on faces suitable for a custard pie starting now. PJ: I always think the comedic value of throwing a custard pie into somebody’s face is very much overrated. And it’s actually never amused me even when I was a child... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth. GB: Hesitation, even when I was er... The memory failed him there. NP: I think so yes. Fifteen seconds on faces suitable for custard pies Gyles, starting now. GB: There is no doubt that... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes, 13 seconds on the subject Peter starting now. PJ: But I must admit that however... one views it... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth. GB: Hesitation without any doubt at all. NP: Yes indeed yes. Ten seconds for you Gyles on faces suitable for custard pies starting now. GB: There is no doubt at all that the reason Kenneth was so sensitive, was that his younger sister Shirley has often been the victim of custard pies throughout her long and varied political career. Many is the occasion on which one has come across the... WHISTLE NP: Gyles was speaking as the whistle went, and he’s in the lead at the end of the round, one ahead of Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams and Derek are trailing a little. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, future inventions. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. PJ: I would like to think that among the new inventions of the future, one would be included which would render useless and inoperable the... invention... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Ah hesitation. NP: I agree Kenneth, so you take over the subject of future inventions and there are 48 seconds left starting now. KW: I hope that among future inventions there will be one for stopping the grapefruit juice, or the lemon, going into your eye when you poke it! Because I’ve often had the occasion when that’s gone on. And it’s resulted in the most awful pain, you know, because it’s a kind of stingy effect, isn’t it. The other thing they ought to invent too, is non-slip steps, so that when you go down them, you don’t fall over. And when you go up... BUZZ KW: Oh I said go! Who challenged? NP: Gyles Brandreth, sitting beside you. KW: Very sharp! Isn’t he. Very sharp. NP: Yes, very sharp, isn’t he, yes. So Gyles you’ve got in with a correct challenge and 23 seconds on future inventions starting now. BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes. He doesn’t get going straight away. Twenty-one seconds on future inventions Kenneth starting now. KW: (in full camp voice) And the other invention that I would like very much to see is one that allows you to levitate without ever having to bother about traffic jams. And you could simply rise above it, so to speak, and you’d never be caught up in any entanglements of any kind. And thus you would reach your destination... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams... KW: I hope I didn’t sound affected there! NP: No you just sounded normal! KW: Oh! Only I was trying to drag it out so I could win, you see. NP: Yes... KW: I will be quite honest with you, that is my, that is my aim here. NP: Is it? You’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street to win! Well it doesn’t always show by results Kenneth! We look upon the value that you contribute. And you’re in third place, you got some points in that round, but you haven’t caught up with Peter Jones and Gyles Brandreth yet. And Gyles begins the next round, the subject, bloomers. Will you tell us something about those in the game Gyles starting now. GB: To many people, bloomers are verbal slips such as when the Field Marshal addresses the officer, and says “ah captain, I see you’re playing with your privates”! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE GB: But the sort of bloomers that we are speaking of are in fact named after that great Victorian pioneer of feminism, Amelia Jenks-Bloomer. Now Amelia Jenks-Bloomer was a lady of... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: (laughing) We had two Amelia Jenks-Bloomers. Just as well! I thought that was quite disgusting actually! I’m, I know Kenneth was deeply shocked, weren’t you Kenny? NP: He’s so shocked, he is still laughing! Derek let’s get back to Just A Minute, you have a correct challenge on Amelia and there are 38 seconds for you on the subject of bloomers starting now. DN: Amelia Bloomer invented these things called bloomers. And they went right down to the ankle. And they were part of the kind of women’s liberation of the day. That’s why they did not become quite so popular... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: They didn’t go down as far as the ankle. DN: They did! PJ: They went just below the knee. NP: Well some of them went... Gyles? GB: I think I should speak here, because they came just beneath, between the ankle and the er... NP: Knee. GB: Yes. NP: Well some of them might have gone down but they didn’t all go down. DN: Well you’ve heard of people having, people’s bloomers having slipped. PJ: We’re not talking about a very small person wearing huge bloomers! You know we’re talking about normal people. NP: You did establish that they all went down Derek. So I think Peter’s challenge must stand and there are 30 seconds on bloomers with you Peter starting now. PJ: Bloomers is the title of a German farce. The author’s name, I’m afraid I’ve forgotten. But it’s an amusing piece because it’s all built around a woman who loses her bloomers on her way to catch a bus. And they fall round her feet, she steps out of them, picks them up, and the resulting drama involves the bystanders who witness this scene, and her husband who’s terribly embarrassed by it. And he takes it up... WHISTLE NP: What does he take up? The bloomers or something else? PJ: No, he takes up the case because... I’m not going to say something ah... NP: Well you won’t have a chance to say it again in Just A Minute. PJ: No... NP: If you want to tell us the payoff. PJ: Well I think I’ll wait for a better opportunity! NP: Well if the series comes back next year, perhaps you’ll tune in and see whatever happened to that fellow who picked up the lady’s bloomers. Peter you’ve got a point of course for speaking as the whistle went, and you’re back in the lead alongside Gyles Brandreth. And Kenneth follows and then Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth begins the next round, Kenneth the subject is marshmallows. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now. KW: Amelia Bloomer was sucking one when she came to promote her cause, And she threw her crinoline away while the public cried “whatho!” and she walked about in drawers! Actually the portion of marshmallows in question at the time were naturally the Victorian marshmallows. Now you may well ask what is the difference between those and the ones you can purchase in any confectioners today. Well it’s a very interesting differential. Ah I was clever there so I didn’t repeat myself! Because the sugar came from Demarara you see. Now this, as you know, is a long way away from England and the Duke... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: It’s Tipperara that’s a long way! LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: So what is your challenge? PJ: Oh deviation. I mean he was talking about ah something else, wasn’t her. NP: He’s got on to the subject of sugar and not marshmallows. PJ: Yes sugar, yes that’s right. NP: Twenty-four seconds for you with marshmallows starting now. PJ: Well they’re quite good if they’re toasted I believe. I haven’t ever experienced one but that’s what I’ve been told. The white of egg which is one of the main ingredients of a marshmallow is particularly effective when it has been held in front of a bonfire, or even a small er... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: Yes I think there was a bit of hesitation there. NP: There definitely was, he couldn’t think of another thing to substitute for fire. So there are five seconds on marshmallows with you Gyles starting now. GB: Billy Bunter loved marshmallows. “Oh crikey,” he would cry when his pater’s latest hamper arrived, absolutely... WHISTLE NP: So Gyles Brandreth our guest got in with only a few seconds left, kept going till the whistle and has increased his lead. He’s one ahead of Peter Jones, and a little bit more ahead of Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo in that order. And Derek begins the next round, the subject is Halley’s comet. Derek can you tell us something about it in the game starting now. DN: If you mean the comet which is about to reappear in 1986, the correct pronunciation is Hawley’s comet and not Halley’s comet. But that is the subject on the card so I’m afraid I have to mispronounce the word and I do apologise to the audience. I happen to be a member of the Halley’s Comet Society and therefore I’m going with a lot of chums, we’re hiring an aeroplane, and flying off in the aforementioned year, which is in the future as I said, to actually witness this great thing, which is I suppose one of the... BUZZ NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged. GB: I think we really were getting a little bit confused and hesitating there. NP: So your challenge is? GB: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think there was hesitation. So you have the subject of Halley or, as most of us say, or Hawley as Derek Nimmo and his erudite chums, comet and 31 seconds left starting now. GB: Halley’s comet comes from the same family as the famous orchestra. Except that the original Halley was himself an amateur astronomer who lived 300 years ago. He was the Patrick Moore of his generation. And one evening he was out with his funny eye looking up at the sky wondering what he was going to see next. And what did he see but a comet. Aha, he rushed into the observatory at Greenwich and said to Mrs Halley “you won’t believe it, darling, I’ve just seen the most extraordinary thing!” And here we are 300 years later of the original... WHISTLE NP: Well that’s another way to play Just A Minute. Keep going with such speed and panache that they don’t notice the repetitions. So well done Gyles you’ve increased your lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones takes the next round which is the British sausage. Even a bit difficult to say, the British sausage, 60 seconds as usual Peter starting now. PJ: The British sausage has really ceased to interest me, since I became a vegetarian and have eschewed meat. And I must say that when I pass a butcher’s shop, which looks usually to me now like the result of a terrible motor accident, I am pleased that the British sausage is not included in my diet. It has, I know, a very small proportion of the carcasses of animals in it, mostly it consists of bread crumbs, ah, wheat germ... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Bread crumbs er wheat germ. NP: Yes I agree Kenneth, 33 seconds, no, 32, the British sausage starting now. KW: Amelia Bloomer loved a British sausage. In fact she always said apart from Halley’s comet she’d rather have a British sausage than she’d have a marshmallow. And more power to her elbow, I say! After all, isn’t individuality the very essence of what this nation is famous for! And bangers... BUZZ NP: Gyles? GB: Deviation, Amelia Bloomer was American! I don’t wish to be pedantic, if Kenneth really feels he must go on, of course... NP: He was on about the British sausage, being the, that’s what he was trying to convey, and that’s the message he got across to me. So I’m sorry Gyles... PJ: I felt that his er dissertation on this woman was far-fetched to say the least! NP: I agree Peter but he still wasn’t deviating to my mimd... DN: No more far-fetched than Gyles Brandreth’s about Halley looking for the comet... PJ: Oh well I’m not even mentioning Gyles Brandreth! He gets quite enough publicity already! NP: Only one who said “haha” in the programme and got away with it for not repeating. Right there are 12 seconds for you Kenneth to continue with the British sausage starting now. KW: The British sausage is best ginger up with a little mustard. Now some prefer ketchup which they pour liberally over the British sausage. But I think that takes away from the flavour... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth spoke as the whistle went, gained an extra point, got other points in the round, he’s still in third place, but he’s catching up on Peter Jones who is just behind our leader who is still Gyles Brandreth. And Gyles begins the next round, it’s having my hair done. So Gyles will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. GB: When I go to see my barber, who incidentally is the great-grandson of the First World War poet, Siegfried Sassoon, he often says to me “how do you want your hair cut?” And I say to him “preferably in silence!” My younger brother has got long hair down to his shoulders, and then he wonders why he’s got split ends! He’s a nice enough fellow, very easy with Christmas presents. One giant tube of Balderma and that is him done for the year! And sometimes he and I... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, yes Derek? DN: Deviation, he’s talking about his brother’s skin complaints rather than having his hair done. GB: Not, not at all, not at all, if you’d waited... DN: I didn’t want to wait! GB: ... you’d have discovered about him and I going together, about his punk hair style and the little orange bit, and the little spots to the right. But no, it’s your turn. DN: No it’s over to you! GB: Give it back to him, see what he’s got to say! No, no... KW: Oh they’re all so polite! GB: Yeah! NP: Yes! So Derek we grant you the benefit of the doubt and there are 35 seconds on having my hair done starting now. DN: It’s very difficult to find a barber these days, as we have hair stylists... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: It’s quite easy to find a barber, you’ve only got, only got to walk along any main street and there’s always a barber around. DN: Well my point was that they call themselves hair stylists now. PJ: Yes but they are barbers. That’s what they call themselves, hair stylists or unisexual manipulators of ah hirsute whatever it is. NP: I don’t think he was um er deviating really. PJ: You don’t? NP: No, no. PJ: You don’t it’s er... NP: I think it’s a good challenge but not enough to, I’ve got to make this... All right, I’ll put it to the audience. If you agree with Peter’s challenge that you can’t find barbers easily these days, you cheer for Peter. And if you disagree you boo for Derek Nimmo, and you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Right Derek, they think that it isn’t as easy to find barbers as it was. So you continue with the subject, having got a point... PJ: I didn’t we know we had an audience of hairdressers! NP: They’ve all just come from their, from that establishment. Thirty-one seconds left starting now. DN: They used to have names like George and Fred and Rocky, and now it’s Cecil and Maurice and Louis the Blade. And I went to this one... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: There was three ands. DN: Oh! KW: Cecil and Maurice and, it went on and on, didn’t it! NP: Yeah! Yes it was a correct challenge Kenneth... KW: Thank you very much! DN: Two! Cecil and Maurice and! NP: But you would be absolutely livid if somebody had you on a challenge like that! But it is correct and there are 24 seconds for you on having my hair done, tell us all about your golden locks, as you’ve told us so often on the programme starting now. KW: I met a very classy man and he was called Jose Merino. And I said “of course in English that would be Joe Brown”. And he said... BUZZ NP: Gyles has challenged. GB: That was the third and. NP: And. GB: In under four seconds. KW: Oh did I say that? NP: So Gyles you have back having my hair done and there are 16 seconds left starting now. GB: You... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Rotten, isn’t it! Kenneth there are 15 seconds on having my hair done starting now. KW: Well I like to sit there thoroughly relaxed. And in Ceylon, when it was done for me, they used to massage my shoulders. And I think this should be done... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of I. NP: Oh it’s getting... a bit too tough now, isn’t it! Is and ands and so forth. But it was a correct challenge so Derek you have seven seconds on having my hair done starting now. DN: “Massage my follicles,” I cry! And they leap towards me, sheets at the ready, put them on top of my skull... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. But for once he is still in fourth place. Kenneth, you begin the next round, the subject is Garibaldi. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now. KW: Well the great liberator of Italy as we know it was Garibaldi. And there is a street in London where you can see a plaque erected to his memory. And of course he gave his name to those delightful biscuits which contain little raisins. I’ve often found them delectable, and shove them into the tea, and eat them with a great lip-smacking relish! And I feel every bit as satisfied as learning that a nationalised industry has been returned to its rightful owners. I and indeed about those resorgimento which was... BUZZ NP: And Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well you see, it’s actually currants that they put in the biscuits and not raisins. And I let him go on, in the hope that he might say something interesting about this great and good man! But alas he didn’t! NP: Well I do think in 35 seconds he managed to get in not only a political comment, a historical comment, a personal comment, and also a culinary one! But in spite of that I agree with your challenge and there are 22 seconds on Garibaldi starting now. PJ: This great and good man, was as I say, not only the inventor of the biscuit, and populariser of the red shirt. But when he retired having er achieved... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well I think he was rather... NP: A definite hesitation yes. KW: ... a hesitation. He seemed to me to lose himself, he seemed to be dithering, hopelessly dithering. NP: But you were the one who picked it up first so you have 10 and a half seconds to tell us about Garibaldi starting now. KW: “Oh Gara baldie!” they used to shout, because he hadn’t got very much hair, you see, and that’s where the term comes from. That’s where the word... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, rubbish! KW: You’re only jealous! He’s only jealous! He’s jealous because of my hair! NP: But he hadn’t established he was talking about the er original Garibaldi. He was just saying Garibaldi, it could be another Garibaldi, so he wasn’t really deviating from the subject on the card. So Kenneth you keep going if you want to with another three seconds on Garibaldi starting now. KW: When he came down from Piedmont in the Italian Alps... WHISTLE NP: So as the show progresses, we have an interesting situation. Kenneth Williams is creeping up on our leader Gyles Brandreth. He’s only one point behind him now. Oh Derek Nimmo it’s your turn to begin, the subject is bricklaying, there are 60 seconds as usual starting now. DN: Bricklaying. I suppose one of the most interesting and unlikely bricklayers of the present century was Winston Spencer Churchill, who when he was down at Chartwell was always putting bricks upon other ones to construct walls. He found it extraordinarily therapeutic, and I do what he means. I do sometimes feel that I myself am a reincarnated bricklayer. Because I found that when I first started bricklaying, that I could pick up the bricks and put them one on top of another, and I knew exactly what to do without any kind of instruction at all. I didn’t look in any do-it-yourself book or go to any manuals of any kind. I just found that I was an instinctive bricklayer, and thus able to associate myself with this great Prime Minister. Man of a noble family, and to find that we have something in common after all. And the one thing I’ve always noticed about... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of in common. NP: Ten seconds on bricklaying starting now. PJ: I do notice that bricklayers always seem to be in demand. If you look through the columns of wanted ads in the newspapers, bricklayers are offered quite a large amount of money and... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones got some points in that round as well as the one for speaking as the whistle went. Unfortunately we’ve come to the end of this particular programme. Let me give you the final score. Derek Nimmo for once finished in fourth place, but it’s good when it all gets moved round and we have different winners each week. It shows you how balanced the whole thing is. Kenneth Williams did extremely well, came in second place, only two points behind this week’s joint winners which were Peter Jones, with our guest Gyles Brandreth! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next week when we take to the air, and we play this delightful, impossible, and to some people ridiculous, but to us entertaining game of Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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