JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,GBrandreth
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and GYLES BRANDRETH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 4 September 1982)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Gyles Brandreth in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, welcome again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, this week we have three of our regular players, and we welcome Gyles Brandreth as our guest. Nobly coming to do battle with these three intrepid players of the game who have got so many tricks that they have mastered over the years of winning in Just A Minute. And once again they are all going to try and speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this week we begin the show with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, the subject, being nosey. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I was being very nosey once, when I opened a book which contained confidential recommendations. And I thought ďwell, Iíll look at what they say about meí. And what I found was not, Iím here to tell you, to my pleasure. I found they said ďwell heíd be more use...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth has challenged.

GYLES BRANDRETH: I wanted really to protect your secrets, and keep them safe really. But he repeated found.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you...

GB: What I found, what I found...

NP: ... did repeat found. So Gyles, youíve got in...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: ... and for our listeners Iíll tell you, that laugh is because Kenneth has become overcome with embarrassment, and now heís eyeing his man who is sitting next to him, which is Gyles Brandreth, who has got in with a first challenge. And so he gets a point for that and takes over the subject with 41 seconds left, being nosey starting now.

GB: The worldís most professional nosey parkers are of course the KGB. And Iíve had personal experience at their hands, when I visited Moscow some years ago. I was invited as a guest of the Soviet Government, as a consequence of my childrenís stories relating to moles. They are long stories with... blunt ends...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PETER JONES: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was just a hesitation there Peter. So letís hear from you on the subject of being nosey and there are 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Thereís a great deal to be said in favour of it, because if you donít become nosey, you very rarely find out anything worth knowing. Because people tend to conceal, and not to reveal information, particularly when it is of a secretive nature. And that after all, is very often the only thing you really want to find out...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. It was Peter Jones who is in the lead at the end of that round. And they all resisted the temptation to talk about the Parsons nose, Iím pleased to say! Derek will you take the next round, the subject, faces suitable for custard pies. That is the subject, a good one for radio, 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I will not resist the temptation not to talk about the Parsons nose. Because I can think of no more suitable recipient for the average custard pie than the chairman of this game, if that is what is meant by the question. Very curious one isnít it. Faces suitable for custard pies. Does the chairman mean that we have to chuck the thing into his visage...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: Weíve had chairman twice.

NP: Yes.

GB: Chairman of this programme, does the chairman mean.

NP: Iím afraid yes. So Gyles you take over the subject of faces suitable for custard pies with 40 seconds to go starting now.

GB: My own has been a face considered occasionally suitable for a custard pie. For when I once applied for an Arts Council grant, it was considered a good idea that I should wear a custard pie on the occasion. Then...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, I mean, we all know, this audience is not going to be misled. I mean to say that you would get into university by wearing a custard pie? Are we seriously asked to believe this rubbish?

NP: I donít know, I donít know if...

KW: Itís deviation of the most appalling kind!

NP: It might, but he hasnít actually deviated from the subject on the card. He, this might well be accurate what heís telling us. It might be in the realms of fantasy which heíll establish in a moment. I donít think itís a correct challenge in the game Kenneth, so Gyles keeps the subject, 27 seconds starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: A full stop, I would have said! Twenty-five seconds for you Peter on faces suitable for a custard pie starting now.

PJ: I always think the comedic value of throwing a custard pie into somebodyís face is very much overrated. And itís actually never amused me even when I was a child...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth.

GB: Hesitation, even when I was er... The memory failed him there.

NP: I think so yes. Fifteen seconds on faces suitable for custard pies Gyles, starting now.

GB: There is no doubt that...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, 13 seconds on the subject Peter starting now.

PJ: But I must admit that however... one views it...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth.

GB: Hesitation without any doubt at all.

NP: Yes indeed yes. Ten seconds for you Gyles on faces suitable for custard pies starting now.

GB: There is no doubt at all that the reason Kenneth was so sensitive, was that his younger sister Shirley has often been the victim of custard pies throughout her long and varied political career. Many is the occasion on which one has come across the...

WHISTLE

NP: Gyles was speaking as the whistle went, and heís in the lead at the end of the round, one ahead of Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams and Derek are trailing a little. And Peter your turn to begin, the subject, future inventions. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: I would like to think that among the new inventions of the future, one would be included which would render useless and inoperable the... invention...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Ah hesitation.

NP: I agree Kenneth, so you take over the subject of future inventions and there are 48 seconds left starting now.

KW: I hope that among future inventions there will be one for stopping the grapefruit juice, or the lemon, going into your eye when you poke it! Because Iíve often had the occasion when thatís gone on. And itís resulted in the most awful pain, you know, because itís a kind of stingy effect, isnít it. The other thing they ought to invent too, is non-slip steps, so that when you go down them, you donít fall over. And when you go up...

BUZZ

KW: Oh I said go! Who challenged?

NP: Gyles Brandreth, sitting beside you.

KW: Very sharp! Isnít he. Very sharp.

NP: Yes, very sharp, isnít he, yes. So Gyles youíve got in with a correct challenge and 23 seconds on future inventions starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. He doesnít get going straight away. Twenty-one seconds on future inventions Kenneth starting now.

KW: (in full camp voice) And the other invention that I would like very much to see is one that allows you to levitate without ever having to bother about traffic jams. And you could simply rise above it, so to speak, and youíd never be caught up in any entanglements of any kind. And thus you would reach your destination...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams...

KW: I hope I didnít sound affected there!

NP: No you just sounded normal!

KW: Oh! Only I was trying to drag it out so I could win, you see.

NP: Yes...

KW: I will be quite honest with you, that is my, that is my aim here.

NP: Is it? Youíve come all the way from Great Portland Street to win! Well it doesnít always show by results Kenneth! We look upon the value that you contribute. And youíre in third place, you got some points in that round, but you havenít caught up with Peter Jones and Gyles Brandreth yet. And Gyles begins the next round, the subject, bloomers. Will you tell us something about those in the game Gyles starting now.

GB: To many people, bloomers are verbal slips such as when the Field Marshal addresses the officer, and says ďah captain, I see youíre playing with your privatesĒ!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

GB: But the sort of bloomers that we are speaking of are in fact named after that great Victorian pioneer of feminism, Amelia Jenks-Bloomer. Now Amelia Jenks-Bloomer was a lady of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: (laughing) We had two Amelia Jenks-Bloomers. Just as well! I thought that was quite disgusting actually! Iím, I know Kenneth was deeply shocked, werenít you Kenny?

NP: Heís so shocked, he is still laughing! Derek letís get back to Just A Minute, you have a correct challenge on Amelia and there are 38 seconds for you on the subject of bloomers starting now.

DN: Amelia Bloomer invented these things called bloomers. And they went right down to the ankle. And they were part of the kind of womenís liberation of the day. Thatís why they did not become quite so popular...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: They didnít go down as far as the ankle.

DN: They did!

PJ: They went just below the knee.

NP: Well some of them went... Gyles?

GB: I think I should speak here, because they came just beneath, between the ankle and the er...

NP: Knee.

GB: Yes.

NP: Well some of them might have gone down but they didnít all go down.

DN: Well youíve heard of people having, peopleís bloomers having slipped.

PJ: Weíre not talking about a very small person wearing huge bloomers! You know weíre talking about normal people.

NP: You did establish that they all went down Derek. So I think Peterís challenge must stand and there are 30 seconds on bloomers with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Bloomers is the title of a German farce. The authorís name, Iím afraid Iíve forgotten. But itís an amusing piece because itís all built around a woman who loses her bloomers on her way to catch a bus. And they fall round her feet, she steps out of them, picks them up, and the resulting drama involves the bystanders who witness this scene, and her husband whoís terribly embarrassed by it. And he takes it up...

WHISTLE

NP: What does he take up? The bloomers or something else?

PJ: No, he takes up the case because... Iím not going to say something ah...

NP: Well you wonít have a chance to say it again in Just A Minute.

PJ: No...

NP: If you want to tell us the payoff.

PJ: Well I think Iíll wait for a better opportunity!

NP: Well if the series comes back next year, perhaps youíll tune in and see whatever happened to that fellow who picked up the ladyís bloomers. Peter youíve got a point of course for speaking as the whistle went, and youíre back in the lead alongside Gyles Brandreth. And Kenneth follows and then Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth begins the next round, Kenneth the subject is marshmallows. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

KW: Amelia Bloomer was sucking one when she came to promote her cause,
And she threw her crinoline away while the public cried ďwhatho!Ē and she walked about in drawers!
Actually the portion of marshmallows in question at the time were naturally the Victorian marshmallows. Now you may well ask what is the difference between those and the ones you can purchase in any confectioners today. Well itís a very interesting differential. Ah I was clever there so I didnít repeat myself! Because the sugar came from Demarara you see. Now this, as you know, is a long way away from England and the Duke...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Itís Tipperara thatís a long way!

LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So what is your challenge?

PJ: Oh deviation. I mean he was talking about ah something else, wasnít her.

NP: Heís got on to the subject of sugar and not marshmallows.

PJ: Yes sugar, yes thatís right.

NP: Twenty-four seconds for you with marshmallows starting now.

PJ: Well theyíre quite good if theyíre toasted I believe. I havenít ever experienced one but thatís what Iíve been told. The white of egg which is one of the main ingredients of a marshmallow is particularly effective when it has been held in front of a bonfire, or even a small er...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.


GB: Yes I think there was a bit of hesitation there.

NP: There definitely was, he couldnít think of another thing to substitute for fire. So there are five seconds on marshmallows with you Gyles starting now.

GB: Billy Bunter loved marshmallows. ďOh crikey,Ē he would cry when his paterís latest hamper arrived, absolutely...

WHISTLE

NP: So Gyles Brandreth our guest got in with only a few seconds left, kept going till the whistle and has increased his lead. Heís one ahead of Peter Jones, and a little bit more ahead of Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo in that order. And Derek begins the next round, the subject is Halleyís comet. Derek can you tell us something about it in the game starting now.

DN: If you mean the comet which is about to reappear in 1986, the correct pronunciation is Hawleyís comet and not Halleyís comet. But that is the subject on the card so Iím afraid I have to mispronounce the word and I do apologise to the audience. I happen to be a member of the Halleyís Comet Society and therefore Iím going with a lot of chums, weíre hiring an aeroplane, and flying off in the aforementioned year, which is in the future as I said, to actually witness this great thing, which is I suppose one of the...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles Brandreth challenged.

GB: I think we really were getting a little bit confused and hesitating there.

NP: So your challenge is?

GB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was hesitation. So you have the subject of Halley or, as most of us say, or Hawley as Derek Nimmo and his erudite chums, comet and 31 seconds left starting now.

GB: Halleyís comet comes from the same family as the famous orchestra. Except that the original Halley was himself an amateur astronomer who lived 300 years ago. He was the Patrick Moore of his generation. And one evening he was out with his funny eye looking up at the sky wondering what he was going to see next. And what did he see but a comet. Aha, he rushed into the observatory at Greenwich and said to Mrs Halley ďyou wonít believe it, darling, Iíve just seen the most extraordinary thing!Ē And here we are 300 years later of the original...

WHISTLE

NP: Well thatís another way to play Just A Minute. Keep going with such speed and panache that they donít notice the repetitions. So well done Gyles youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones takes the next round which is the British sausage. Even a bit difficult to say, the British sausage, 60 seconds as usual Peter starting now.

PJ: The British sausage has really ceased to interest me, since I became a vegetarian and have eschewed meat. And I must say that when I pass a butcherís shop, which looks usually to me now like the result of a terrible motor accident, I am pleased that the British sausage is not included in my diet. It has, I know, a very small proportion of the carcasses of animals in it, mostly it consists of bread crumbs, ah, wheat germ...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Bread crumbs er wheat germ.

NP: Yes I agree Kenneth, 33 seconds, no, 32, the British sausage starting now.

KW: Amelia Bloomer loved a British sausage. In fact she always said apart from Halleyís comet sheíd rather have a British sausage than sheíd have a marshmallow. And more power to her elbow, I say! After all, isnít individuality the very essence of what this nation is famous for! And bangers...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles?

GB: Deviation, Amelia Bloomer was American! I donít wish to be pedantic, if Kenneth really feels he must go on, of course...

NP: He was on about the British sausage, being the, thatís what he was trying to convey, and thatís the message he got across to me. So Iím sorry Gyles...

PJ: I felt that his er dissertation on this woman was far-fetched to say the least!

NP: I agree Peter but he still wasnít deviating to my mimd...

DN: No more far-fetched than Gyles Brandrethís about Halley looking for the comet...

PJ: Oh well Iím not even mentioning Gyles Brandreth! He gets quite enough publicity already!

NP: Only one who said ďhahaĒ in the programme and got away with it for not repeating. Right there are 12 seconds for you Kenneth to continue with the British sausage starting now.

KW: The British sausage is best ginger up with a little mustard. Now some prefer ketchup which they pour liberally over the British sausage. But I think that takes away from the flavour...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth spoke as the whistle went, gained an extra point, got other points in the round, heís still in third place, but heís catching up on Peter Jones who is just behind our leader who is still Gyles Brandreth. And Gyles begins the next round, itís having my hair done. So Gyles will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

GB: When I go to see my barber, who incidentally is the great-grandson of the First World War poet, Siegfried Sassoon, he often says to me ďhow do you want your hair cut?Ē And I say to him ďpreferably in silence!Ē My younger brother has got long hair down to his shoulders, and then he wonders why heís got split ends! Heís a nice enough fellow, very easy with Christmas presents. One giant tube of Balderma and that is him done for the year! And sometimes he and I...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, yes Derek?

DN: Deviation, heís talking about his brotherís skin complaints rather than having his hair done.

GB: Not, not at all, not at all, if youíd waited...

DN: I didnít want to wait!

GB: ... youíd have discovered about him and I going together, about his punk hair style and the little orange bit, and the little spots to the right. But no, itís your turn.

DN: No itís over to you!

GB: Give it back to him, see what heís got to say! No, no...

KW: Oh theyíre all so polite!

GB: Yeah!

NP: Yes! So Derek we grant you the benefit of the doubt and there are 35 seconds on having my hair done starting now.

DN: Itís very difficult to find a barber these days, as we have hair stylists...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Itís quite easy to find a barber, youíve only got, only got to walk along any main street and thereís always a barber around.

DN: Well my point was that they call themselves hair stylists now.

PJ: Yes but they are barbers. Thatís what they call themselves, hair stylists or unisexual manipulators of ah hirsute whatever it is.

NP: I donít think he was um er deviating really.

PJ: You donít?

NP: No, no.

PJ: You donít itís er...

NP: I think itís a good challenge but not enough to, Iíve got to make this... All right, Iíll put it to the audience. If you agree with Peterís challenge that you canít find barbers easily these days, you cheer for Peter. And if you disagree you boo for Derek Nimmo, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right Derek, they think that it isnít as easy to find barbers as it was. So you continue with the subject, having got a point...

PJ: I didnít we know we had an audience of hairdressers!

NP: Theyíve all just come from their, from that establishment. Thirty-one seconds left starting now.

DN: They used to have names like George and Fred and Rocky, and now itís Cecil and Maurice and Louis the Blade. And I went to this one...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: There was three ands.

DN: Oh!

KW: Cecil and Maurice and, it went on and on, didnít it!

NP: Yeah! Yes it was a correct challenge Kenneth...

KW: Thank you very much!

DN: Two! Cecil and Maurice and!

NP: But you would be absolutely livid if somebody had you on a challenge like that! But it is correct and there are 24 seconds for you on having my hair done, tell us all about your golden locks, as youíve told us so often on the programme starting now.

KW: I met a very classy man and he was called Jose Merino. And I said ďof course in English that would be Joe BrownĒ. And he said...

BUZZ

NP: Gyles has challenged.

GB: That was the third and.

NP: And.

GB: In under four seconds.

KW: Oh did I say that?

NP: So Gyles you have back having my hair done and there are 16 seconds left starting now.

GB: You...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Rotten, isnít it! Kenneth there are 15 seconds on having my hair done starting now.

KW: Well I like to sit there thoroughly relaxed. And in Ceylon, when it was done for me, they used to massage my shoulders. And I think this should be done...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of I.

NP: Oh itís getting... a bit too tough now, isnít it! Is and ands and so forth. But it was a correct challenge so Derek you have seven seconds on having my hair done starting now.

DN: ďMassage my follicles,Ē I cry! And they leap towards me, sheets at the ready, put them on top of my skull...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. But for once he is still in fourth place. Kenneth, you begin the next round, the subject is Garibaldi. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: Well the great liberator of Italy as we know it was Garibaldi. And there is a street in London where you can see a plaque erected to his memory. And of course he gave his name to those delightful biscuits which contain little raisins. Iíve often found them delectable, and shove them into the tea, and eat them with a great lip-smacking relish! And I feel every bit as satisfied as learning that a nationalised industry has been returned to its rightful owners. I and indeed about those resorgimento which was...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well you see, itís actually currants that they put in the biscuits and not raisins. And I let him go on, in the hope that he might say something interesting about this great and good man! But alas he didnít!

NP: Well I do think in 35 seconds he managed to get in not only a political comment, a historical comment, a personal comment, and also a culinary one! But in spite of that I agree with your challenge and there are 22 seconds on Garibaldi starting now.

PJ: This great and good man, was as I say, not only the inventor of the biscuit, and populariser of the red shirt. But when he retired having er achieved...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I think he was rather...

NP: A definite hesitation yes.

KW: ... a hesitation. He seemed to me to lose himself, he seemed to be dithering, hopelessly dithering.

NP: But you were the one who picked it up first so you have 10 and a half seconds to tell us about Garibaldi starting now.

KW: ďOh Gara baldie!Ē they used to shout, because he hadnít got very much hair, you see, and thatís where the term comes from. Thatís where the word...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, rubbish!

KW: Youíre only jealous! Heís only jealous! Heís jealous because of my hair!

NP: But he hadnít established he was talking about the er original Garibaldi. He was just saying Garibaldi, it could be another Garibaldi, so he wasnít really deviating from the subject on the card. So Kenneth you keep going if you want to with another three seconds on Garibaldi starting now.

KW: When he came down from Piedmont in the Italian Alps...

WHISTLE

NP: So as the show progresses, we have an interesting situation. Kenneth Williams is creeping up on our leader Gyles Brandreth. Heís only one point behind him now. Oh Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin, the subject is bricklaying, there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: Bricklaying. I suppose one of the most interesting and unlikely bricklayers of the present century was Winston Spencer Churchill, who when he was down at Chartwell was always putting bricks upon other ones to construct walls. He found it extraordinarily therapeutic, and I do what he means. I do sometimes feel that I myself am a reincarnated bricklayer. Because I found that when I first started bricklaying, that I could pick up the bricks and put them one on top of another, and I knew exactly what to do without any kind of instruction at all. I didnít look in any do-it-yourself book or go to any manuals of any kind. I just found that I was an instinctive bricklayer, and thus able to associate myself with this great Prime Minister. Man of a noble family, and to find that we have something in common after all. And the one thing Iíve always noticed about...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of in common.

NP: Ten seconds on bricklaying starting now.

PJ: I do notice that bricklayers always seem to be in demand. If you look through the columns of wanted ads in the newspapers, bricklayers are offered quite a large amount of money and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones got some points in that round as well as the one for speaking as the whistle went. Unfortunately weíve come to the end of this particular programme. Let me give you the final score. Derek Nimmo for once finished in fourth place, but itís good when it all gets moved round and we have different winners each week. It shows you how balanced the whole thing is. Kenneth Williams did extremely well, came in second place, only two points behind this weekís joint winners which were Peter Jones, with our guest Gyles Brandreth! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next week when we take to the air, and we play this delightful, impossible, and to some people ridiculous, but to us entertaining game of Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.