JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JBeadle
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JEREMY BEADLE, , chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 March 1983)

NOTE: Jeremy Beadle's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Jeremy Beadle in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard from our announcer, we welcome a newcomer to the game, who has come to play with three of our regulars. It is Jeremy Beadle, letís make him feel at ease and at home.

JEREMY BEADLE: Thank you.

NP: As he pits his wit and his verbal dexterity against Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones. As they all try and speak at different times, we hope, on a subject that I give them, and they all try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. Weíll begin the show with Kenneth Williams, and who better to begin any show. The subject Kenneth is binge. Will you tell us something about that subject, in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Itís slang, you know, and means to go out on a spree. People say ďletís have a great bingeĒ! And of course, itís not something which I, as a puritan, should approve of. Though I must say that I had a binge on one occasion. Would you believe I was tight as a tick. And we had this marvellous bar, great huge affair. And I was having these campari sodas, I think they were, with a chum who was also an actor, and we got steadily more and more in this...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Clement Freud yes?

CLEMENT FREUD: Oh dear!

NP: Oh dear, yes, more and more. You did. And Clement you have a correct challenge, so you get a point for that, you take over the subject and there are 17 seconds on binge starting now.

CF: Some very good drinks to take if youíre going to go on a binge are whisky, gin, vodka, benedictine, draemaurier, beer, cider, and particularly I would say vermouth of all shades and colours, campari...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well thatís suicidal! Thatís not a binge. We canít encourage listeners...

NP: He was going on a suicide trip.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I think you made your moral point Peter...

PJ: Thank you very much, thatís all that really matters.

NP: But Iím afraid he wasnít, I donít think, deviating from the subject on the card. Clement, you have a point for a wrong challenge, you continue with three seconds to go on binge starting now.

CF: White and dark rum...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter ah blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and it was Clement Freud, who is the only one to have gained any points in that round. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject, achievement. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well achievement has nothing to do with success necessarily, or fame or acclaim. Because it is something that you feel you have achieved. If youíve achieved ah...

BUZZ

JB: Well I feel awfully mean about this, but I do see the word...

NP: I wouldnít, I think youíre very...

PJ: Not at all! Not at all!

JB: It is achievement and I did hear the word achieved twice.

PJ: Yes I know you did.

JB: It was a verbal hiccup, I know. But...

NP: It wasnít a verbal, he came to an absolute full stop!

PJ: Yes yes.

NP: He talked about his own achievements and he dried up.

PJ: Well thatís easy to do.

NP: Isnít it funny, they can be rude to me and you all laugh. If Iím rude to anyone of them, thereís silence.

JB: I think thatís, thatís the way it should be.

NP: Thank you Jeremy. I see the way youíre going to play it. Right...

PJ: You did spot that Jeremy. Didnít he?

NP: Jeremy you have a point for a correct challenge, and there are 47, no there are not, there are 43 seconds left, the subject is achievement and you start now.

JB: I think the essence of achievement is probably appearing on this very programme in the company of such galactic stars as Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. However the greatest achievement of all must be the chairman himself, Mister Nicholas Parsons, who sits there with that mekon-like thoroughness where he achieves in more than one sense of the word, the essence.... Iíve done it, havenít I?

BUZZ

JB: Thank you!

NP: You should have kept going. Iíd have allowed you to carry on, you know. Peter Jones you challenged.

PJ: Well he did say essence twice.

NP: Yes I know he did, but you canít have too much of the essence of Parsons. And er, so 19 seconds left Peter, you have a correct challenge, a point and the subject of achievement starting now.

PJ: Yes well, I donít know what the essence is. But I suppose, Iím allowed to say it if I havenít said it before, arenít I?

NP: Yes.

PJ: What? Wind up?

NP: Keep going!

PJ: Oh I see! Why are you doing that? Um...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy...

PJ: Sorry, you were doing this. I didnít know what you meant.

JB: Hesitation.

PJ: Hurry up, I thought you meant.

NP: Yes indeed.

PJ: Hesitation oh yes.

NP: For the, for the listeners at home, I was, I was encouraging Peter to keep going because he was thinking he was going to pause, and he would have lost the subject. And I didnít want Peter to lose the subject.

PJ: No, quite.

NP: I like hearing him talk.

PJ: Because we might have got it back to you again!

NP: Well Jeremy Beadle has got in with seven seconds to go, the subject is achievement Jeremy starting now.

JB: Of course the major achievement of this programme is to actually talk for one minute...

BUZZ

NP: Ah pro, Clement Freud.

CF: Thatís right, repetition of programme.

NP: Yes. Programme

JB: Although Iíve said it before, Iím not allowed to say it again?

NP: No, when you pick up...

PJ: Thatís what they mean by repetition!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, JB, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Clement you have a point, a correct challenge, and two and a half seconds on achievement starting now.

CF: I...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy challenged.

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím going to give it to you.

PJ: Well done Jeremy! Very quick! Very quick!

NP: Terribly quick, a bit mean, but Clement has got, usually gets in before. So Jeremy weíll let you get in with two seconds to go on achievement starting now.

JB: Achieving the ultimate in this programme...

WHISTLE

PJ: Gosh, three times he said programme.

NP: So Jeremy Beadle, our guest, was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And Clement begins the next round. The subject is sword swallowing. Will you tell us something about that...

LAUGHTER FROM JB AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience laughs, they maybe feel itís not particularly your scene. But can you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Thereís an old English saying that one sword swallower doesnít make a summer. The great thing is that itís actually quite untrue. I have never swallowed swords myself, but use the word ďsword swallowerĒ as a typical example of English authography...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle challenged.

JB: Repetition of the word English. Thereís an old English saying and...

NP: Thatís right.

CF: Thatís right. Yes, very good, very good.

NP: Yes you donít need to tell me, I do...

JB: Oh sorry, I do beg your pardon.

NP: I quite agree Jeremy.

CF: Very good.

NP: Very good yes.

JB: Itís just enthusiasm thatís getting to me.

NP: He also repeated, I often get letters about this but itís not my job. He repeated the word swallower. The subject on the card is sword swallowing.

CF: Swallowing.

NP: Yes so there are 41 seconds...

JB: Heís just dyslexic!

NP: ... for you Jeremy on sword swallowing starting now.

JB: The art of sword swallowing will be traced back to medieval times, where fakirs would be able to swallow immense swords of great lengths. However currently the great Stromboli holds the record for sword swallowing wherein he swallowed 13, I said swallowed twice. Isnít anybody going to buzz?

BUZZ

JB: Thank you very much indeed.

NP: Jeremy, Jeremy, they donít play it like that!

JB: Well I...

NP: They donít play it in a sporting way and say ďI made a mistakeĒ. They go on!

JB: Oh do they? Sorry.

NP: And they scream if theyíre picked up on it.

JB: (laughs) It looms heavy over you!

NP: Yeah. Who pressed their buzzer then?

CF: I did.

NP: You did, and you were, your challenge is?

CF: He repeated it three times!

NP: Yes!

JB: You were very kind the second time!

NP: You donít need to rub it in! Twenty seconds for sword swallowing Clement starting now.

CF: These days swords which were swallowed tend...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy?

JB: He must have said swallowed because if you remember last time...

NP: No, he said swallower before, he didnít say swallowed.

JB: Oh did he? Oh! All right then.

NP: He said swallower before, and swallowing, but he hadnít said swallowed. So there are 16 seconds Clement, with sword swallowing starting now.

CF: Tend no longer to come from Sheffield, but now hive from Taiwan, Hong Kong, Pakistan...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree yes, there are eight seconds for sword swallowing with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: The art of sword swallowing lies in well greasing beforehand the entire alimentary tract. So that the instrument goes down without let or hindrance...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, heís now in a strong third position. Heís ahead of Peter Jones, behind Jeremy Beadle. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round, palaeontology. Kenneth can you tell us something about palaeontology in the game starting now.

KW: Paleontological work involves, as far as I know, the tracing of extinct species, and can be done if you unearth various fossils which give you an idea of either the animal or the plant. Because paleontological work involves...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of paleontological.

NP: Yes you did start off with paleontological.

KW: Oh! Oh well that was very sharply observed by young Freud, wasnít it.

NP: I donít think it was at all sharp, because itís such a difficult word to pronounce, if you repeat it I think anybody would remember. But Clement, you have the subject, you have 35 seconds, palaeontology starting now.

CF: One of the more interesting aspects of palaeontology, which my friend Kenneth Williams very rightly said is the study of fossils, is the fact that the fourth letter in that is A, when most people think it is not. When you get spelling bees, itís marvellously convenient to have knowledge of that ilk. What...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Yes well, I would say deviation, you see, the subject is palaeontology, itís not spelling.

NP: I think thatís a very good challenge.

KW: Thank you ever so much!

CF: Youíre not seriously...

NP: I have to be serious, yes.

CF: What, saying that if you spell palaeontology, youíre deviating from palaeontology. Thatís a very good challenge!

NP: No...

CF: A good decision!

NP: No, actually, no, you didnít say that Clement.

KW: Precisely, donít you be brow beaten Nicholas!

NP: No, no, you didnít say that...

KW: No, donít you be brow beaten Nicholas! He tried to brow beat you, you see!

NP: You actually were talking about spelling as opposed to the subject of palaeontology.

CF: What was I spelling?

NP: Mmmm?

CF: What was I spelling?

KW: That is neither here nor there! You want to be quiet, let Nicholas give me the subject!

NP: And anyway, the fourth letter is an O, I always thought the fourth letter was an O, and not an A. But...

KW: Exactly! Brilliantly observed!

CF: Itís quite untrue!

NP: And nobody challenged on that...

CF: Itís quite untrue!

NP: Kenneth youíre back on the subject you started with.

KW: Thank you.

NP: Fifteen seconds on palaeontology starting now.

KW: One of the most interesting aspects of palaeontology is when some men dug up some skulls and bones, and said it was Pildown Man and everybody believed them and it was a hoax! My dear, these bones were old and...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy your light came on before the whistle. What is your challenge?

JB: Ah repetition of bones.

NP: Yes you did have bones before.

KW: Well I think heís got great temerity! Doesnít he! He comes here...

NP: Heís got sharp ears as well! You have one fifth of a second, so if you can keep going for one fifth of a second on palaeontology, you start now.

JB: Sources...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation!

LAUGHTER FROM JB AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: Quite hard getting in!

NP: We wonít charge on that one, weíll just give ah Jeremy the point for speaking as the whistle went, and say that heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. And ah Peter Jones begins the next round. Peter the subject is what I think of the chap sitting next to me. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PJ: Well when I received the cunningly worded invitation to appear on this programme, and it said that someone called Jeremy was also going to be involved, I didnít know whether it was Jeremy Thorpe or Jeremy Clyde...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy has challenged.

JB: Yes I think weíve got Jeremy squared there.

NP: Yes I think so, Jeremy is not on the card. Itís ďthe chap sitting next to meĒ.

PJ: Yes of course.

NP: Not Jeremy sitting next to me.

PJ: Yes of course it is.

NP: So Jeremy you have the subject with 45 seconds, what I think of the chap sitting next to me starting now.

JB: Apart from a marvellous mimic, an excellent actor, what a lot of people donít know about Peter Jones is the fact that he is an excellent playwright...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Oh all those adjectives about Peter.

NP: I know what he repeated, but I have to know that you know.

CF: One of those ah.

NP: Which one was it?

CF: Excellent.

NP: Excellent is right, I donít know whether you were fishing then or you already knew. I never know whether theyíre setting me up for the fall or whether they... there are 35 seconds left for you Clement on what I think of the chap sitting next to me starting now.

CF: When I received this cunningly worded invitation to appear on this programme, and noticed that Kenneth was on the contract, I had no idea whether it was K Bell or Grahame of that ilk, or someone with a similar nomenclature, spelt N-O-M-E. And a man came to me at the fair and said ďif youíve a poetís tongue, tumble up and chant the air, that the stars of morning hum, Iíll pay you...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Yes, why?

PJ: Well heís not talking about the chap sitting next to him.

NP: No, heís talking about...

PJ: Talking a lot of rubbish!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Some of it appals!

NP: The poetís words werenít rubbish but he was making rubbish of the subject. Right, six seconds starting now.

PJ: Heís immensely popular on television and when we both walked on the stage this evening, I...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Peter Jones gained a number of points during the round, and one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís now only one point behind our joint leaders Jeremy Beadle and Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams is not very far behind.

CF: Mmmm! Try harder!

NP: Donít laugh! Heís doing very well. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is cave. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: A cave was natureís way of doing what the Housing Authority does today.

LAUGHTER FROM JB AND THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle challenged.

JB: Unless that was a theatrical pause, I suggest hesitation.

CF: I do think itís terribly unfair. One, one gives a new member of the team the chance, not only to laugh, but to be heard to laugh. And while heís laughing, he presses his buzzer!

JB: I, I retract my objection.

NP: You canít retract...

JB: All right then, Iíll...

KW: The chairmanís got to decide, youíre not to decide it. The chairmanís to decide it. Thatís what Nicholas is here for! Thatís what Nicholas is paid for! And a vast sum of money it is, as I found out to my chagrin! My chagrin was showing, they said ďhere, we can see your chagrin!Ē

NP: Kenneth, ah Clement Freud, I donít consider it was hesitation, you keep the subject, there are 54 seconds...

CF: Whatís the subject?

NP: Iím about to give it to you! The subject is cave and you start now.

CF: Spealiology is the study of caves. And the fourth letter of that word, unexpectedly, is an A. And I thought you ought to know, just in case you get into some sort of quiz. When you will win...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle.

JB: Iím not sure, but um, this is deviation, because the fourth letter of neither cave nor spealilogy is A.

NP: Youíre quite right.

CF: Youíre quite wrong.

JB: Thatís deviation.

NP: It is deviation.

JB: Oh! Oh in that case, Iíll shut my gob!

CF: Youíll be awfully sorry when you look it up in a dictionary.

NP: This, that is spealiology, but this, this is spelliology, this is what you said.

JB: And the subject is caves.

CF: I never said that.

NP: You didnít, you said the fourth letter which is L.

CF: Quite right.

NP: So um thank you Clement, because sometimes you look with such intimidating brilliance that um one wonders, you doubt your own knowledge on occasions. There are 37 seconds for cave with you Jeremy starting now.

JB: The most interesting Cave that I know is Tom Cave, a man of stature, style and cunning, a born footballer. He was raised to become a parachutist but failed in the first ever test that he did when he jumped from only four feet, and broke his leg. However Tom Cave...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Tom.

NP: Tom, the subject is cave. And so Clement you have the subject back, 19 seconds, cave starting now.

CF: Cave (pronounced cay-vee) spelt C-A-V-E is the sort of pointless cry that schoolchildren have adopted to say that someone in authority is coming at whatever it is that they might be up to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is a wanton generalisation, and as such itís appalling deviation. I was at school, and when we were frightened someone was coming, nobody said cay-vee at my school. And he said all schoolboys...

CF: I didnít say all.

KW: ... well, they certainly didnít when I was around! I can tell you.

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, are you challenging on the fact that cay-vee has got no association with cave?

KW: Oh thatís right, thatís what I meant to say! Yes! Thatís right! Thatís what I meant!

NP: In that case you have the subject.

KW: Oh thank you, yes.

NP: And there, there are eight seconds on cave starting now.

KW: Cave means to flag. When they say ďthe whole thing will cave inĒ, they mean this no longer has stability. And that is...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Kenneth Williams speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point...

KW: Yes! Go on! Iím in the lead! Go on!

NP: Youíre still in fourth place!

KW: Oh!

NP: But heís not far behind Peter Jones, who is only two points behind Jeremy Beadle, and he is one behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Jeremy itís your turn to begin and the subject is odd facts. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

JB: According to my visiting card, I am a curator of oddities. I collect odd facts. However I never call my curiosities facts. Itís a fatal word...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of curiosities.

JB: No, I said ďcurator of odditiesĒ.

NP: No he never said that!

KW: (laughs) You didnít hear him! Ah look at him!

PJ: Oh I thought he said he was a curator of oddities.

NP: No, curator, collector and curiosities.

PJ: Oh I see, yes. I beg your pardon.

NP: So there are 49 seconds on odd facts starting now.

JB: Facts is ah...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that, yes. Facts is er, well yes. Forty-six seconds are left for you Peter on odd facts starting now.

PJ: Well the first letter of facts is F, the second A. And thatís just about as much as I know about them!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well a hesitation, that came to a full stop!

NP: Yes, it did indeed yes. So Kenneth you have odd facts now and there are 39 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the oddest facts I learned on a trip to Australia was that the Sydney Harbour Bridge was built by Redpath Dawman Long which is a British company. And that they have to pay in tolls for it, to this day. An Australian said to me weíve had to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís light came on but no buzzer. Were you buzzing?

KW: How dare you! Whatís going on?

CF: I think itís just natural incandescence!

NP: What is, your buzzer or the bridge?

CF: That my light went on, effortlessly without...

NP: So you werenít actually wishing to interrupt him?

CF: I didnít.

NP: You didnít. But the light did actually come in, so youíre...

CF: Thatís your problem!

NP: But it stems from your finger, so, or your thumb. So do watch the Freudian slips, otherwise weíre going to um,. have problems. Kenneth you, we wonít charge anything for that. You keep going and there are 19 seconds left on odd facts starting now.

KW: One of them is that the human body has a certain organ which enlarges itself to several times its normal size. And that is the eyelid. A lot of people think of something else, and they have dirty minds, and they know nothing of the human body, and most of the time they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of body.

NP: Yeah you mentioned the human body more than once, yeah. I think you were, the audience were quite pleased you were interrupted actually!

KW: Well I... Iím sure from his challenge, weíre going to hear some wonderful pearl, so letís all be agog!

NP: Well he only has two seconds in which to gog you! Heís got in with two seconds to go on odd facts starting now.

CF: Kenneth Williams deserves a peerage!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud increased his lead at the end of that round, with two more points. And Kenneth begins the next round, the subject Kenneth, what I should have done when I was 18. That is the subject on the card, can you talk on that now in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I should have myself a proper education. Looking back I realise...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle has challenged.

JB: Yes, deviation, because having read Acid Drops, itís very obvious that Kenneth received an excellent education.

KW: Well thatís very sweet of you, Jeremy... I mean I feel quite overcome!

NP: Well I feel actually, to a great extent, Kenneth is probably self educated. Heís one of these very brilliant people who didnít have the benefit of...

CF: Oh!

NP: ... the education other people have had...

CF: Oh!

NP: ... and he has made himself the cultured person he is today...

CF: Shame!

NP: ... through his own efforts and application.

KW: Well I mean...

NP: So I disagree with the challenge...

KW: What I meant, you see, was formal education.

NP: I know you meant formal education. I know what you meant Kenneth, so I disagree with the challenge. You have another point and you have 56 seconds on what I should have done when I was 18 starting now.

KW: What I should have done when I was 18 would have been found out about the etymological ramifications, apropos Latin and Greek. Because one of the most interesting things I find is the er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes so Clement, 39 seconds left on what I should have done when I was 18 starting now.

CF: What I should have done when I was 18, I did when I was 16. And that meant two years of total misery wondering what on earth was left that I could achieve without fattening myself, becoming less...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle challenged.

JB: Ah hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that hesitation yes.

CF: I was speaking rather slowly.

NP: You were, so slowly that you hesitated. Nineteen, no, 24 seconds are left, on what I should have done when I was 18, Jeremy starting now.

JB: Well being only 24, but looking 18, I find this an astonishing thing to actually have to discuss. Because what I should have done when I was 18, I still havenít performed to this day. I am waiting until I reach that ripe age of maturity wherein I will know what I should have done when...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Sorry, thatís the subject, isnít it.

NP: Yes that is the subject. Iím glad you were listening Clement.

CF: Iíd like him to have another point!

NP: Oh heís so so clever with it. So you let him have another point, and actually what youíve done, you were in the lead up until then...

CF: Thatís why I want him to get another point.

NP: And Jeremy gets another point, heís only one point behind you, this is also going to be the last round, there are three and a half seconds to go.

CF: Give him another point.

NP: And Jeremy you have what I should have done when I was 18 starting now.

JB: What I should have done when I was 18...

WHISTLE

JB: (laughs) A lesson, a lesson there learned from Mister Freud and Mister Williams!

NP: Yes! And I think youíve learned how to play this game, or the way they play this game very rapidly. Because youíve come out in your first attempt very very admirably, right on top there. But let me just tell the listeners and our audience in the studio that Kenneth Williams finished only just in fourth place, behind Peter Jones. But they were both a few points behind joint winners, Clement Freud alongside our first time guest, Jeremy Beadle! So I hope youíll come back again Jeremy. I naturally hope all the regulars will come back again because we wouldnít have a show without them. We hope youíve enjoyed the show this week and will want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.