JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,JRavens
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and JAN RAVENS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 April 1983)

NOTE: Jan Ravens's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Jan Ravens in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And this week we have three of our regulars as youíve just heard. And we welcome for the first time as a guest, a lovely actress and writer, Jan Ravens. Jan has courageously volunteered to take that fourth seat against these three intrepid exponents of Just A Minute, and try and compete with them, as they all try and speak at different times, we hope, on the subject that I give them, and try and do it as usual without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And Derek Nimmo, letís begin with you. And the subject is getting at an itch...

DEREK NIMMO: Oh hang on!

NP: ... in the middle of my back.

DN: At?

NP: You have 60 seconds as usual, will you tell us something about that subject starting now.

DN: Well, getting an itch in the middle of oneís back is really quite horrid, and you immediately need to get at it. And to this end...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Ah hesitation.

NP: No, I donít think so!

PJ: Oh all right.

NP: Youíre very keen Peter, but um, no I donít think so on that occasion. So Derek you keep the subject, there are ah, 53 seconds left, getting at an itch in the middle of my back starting now.

DN: If you remember I was talking about getting at an itch in the middle of my back. And to this, I bought a beautiful back scratcher. I bought it in Queenís Road in Central actually...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Jan Ravens has challenged.

JAN RAVENS: Repetition of bought.

NP: Yes.

DN: Absolutely right! Absolutely right! Jolly good!

NP: Well listened Jan. So...

PJ: I would have challenged, but I thought heíd probably got to say it about five times before Iíd have it allowed!

NP: Well as with our other lovely lady guest of a number of weeks back, Liza Goddard, she got in on the first round, and so has Jan Ravens. Jan, the subject is getting at an itch in the middle of my back. Of course you get a point for that correct challenge and you have 46 seconds left starting now.

JR: Iím very good at getting at an itch in the middle of my back, because Iím very supple. And I remain fit because I go to lots of exercise classes including yoga. And so I find it very easy to get my arm right over there like that, and the other up there, and they meet in the middle, and I can scratch the itch in the middle of my back. Now this doesnít work very well if youíre wearing tight clothing, because of course youíre much more restricted and the arms canít meet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Arms.

NP: She said arms then, it was arm before.

DN: Oh sorry, right.

NP: And for the people who canít, havenít got visual radio, Jan actually demonstrated while she did, by putting one arm over the back and the other one up behind, and they actually touched and the audience were actually agog.

JR: Yes I told you, I am very supple.

NP: Very supple yes, you were absolutely agog, werenít you? Oh they werenít agog then, theyíve gone to sleep! Ah Jan I disagree with the challenge, so you keep the subject, there are 15 seconds left starting now.

JR: Getting at an itch...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo...

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Rotten sport!

JR: Oh on my first time!

NP: I know! Itís rotten, isnít it! Iím not going to agree with it Jan.

JR: Oh!

NP: Fourteen seconds on getting at an itch in the middle of my back starting now.

JR: Getting at an itch in the middle of my back is always very embarrassing when Iím in a public place. Because people stare at you as if youíre some kind of animal from the jungle. Because the movement...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, sheís just said, just demonstrated how she does it. And she wasnít in the least bit embarrassed. And neither does she mind at all showing all these people here, now sheís saying that when she does it in public sheís embarrassed! Well whatís more public than doing it here? The whole thingís devious!

JR: Oh considering some of the fictions Iíve heard from him!

NP: I know!

JR: I think thatís a bit strong!

KW: Absolute deviation!

JR: No, I think thatís a bit strong!

NP: It was a bit strong, but it was a very subtle challenge, and it was, I mean, having established that you were not embarrassed, and now um, so I think...

JR: I wasnít told I had to tell the truth!

PJ: No that was...

NP: But you denied what you said before, that was his challenge. So you were deviating from what you said.

JR: All right. All right.

NP: So Kenneth you have four seconds, getting at an itch in the middle of my back starting now.

KW: Yes well, of course you shouldnít have women on a programme like this, because you see itís essentially...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up...

JR: Iíd like to challenge him on blatant sexism!

KW: Yes thatís true you know, sheís right!

NP: Well even if it was blatant sexism, he still wasnít deviating from the subject, you see. Thatís the difficulty of Just A Minute. So Kenneth got that point for speaking as the whistle went, heís in second place. But our first time player of the game, Jan Ravens, has a commanding lead at the end of the first round. So...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I see you brought your fan club, theyíre all in the front. Yes! Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is marbles. There are 60 seconds for the subject starting now.

PJ: Marbles, well, theyíre things that quite a lot of people donít have all of...

BUZZ

NP: And Jan Ravens has challenged.

JR: I think that was a hesitation.

NP: No, no, no, no, I mean that was a very sharp challenge, I mean...

PJ: That was a sharp challenge!

KW: Yes! They shouldnít have women on this show! Theyíre always doing that, arenít they! They make these challenges, the poor man had hardly a chance to get under way, did he!

NP: No but he didnít actually, I donít think also...

JR: (in tears) Heís refused me anyway! Thereís no need to get at me even further!

KW: Thatís all right darling!

NP: No, tears donít come over awfully well on radio, Iím sorry Jan! Youíre doing terribly well, I wouldnít worry. Iím always on the... Peter you have a point and you have 56 seconds to continue on marbles starting now.

PJ: They can be made of glass or porcelain or china. And itís a game that you play by putting one or two on the ground. I donít know exactly what the rules are, but I know you toss one or two at the other three, or roll them possibly, I donít know! Itís a most boring subject I think...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens has challenged.

JR: Repetition of know.

NP: Yes, ďI donít knowĒ, he said, repetition of the whole phrase. Well done Jan! You have the subject...

PJ: What kind of challenge was that, Nicholas?

NP: A very good one.

PJ: Good, yes.

NP: Yes.

PJ: I, Iím, Iím keeping track of your description of the various challenges. The first one was a subtle challenge from Kenneth...

NP: Yes thatís right.

PJ: And then it was a sharp challenge...

NP: Thatís right yes.

PJ: And then it was a good challenge.

NP: It was a good challenge yes.

PJ: And thatís the kind of challenge that Iím out to make!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Later on, I want to make some really good ones!

NP: But you, the only problem is Peter...

PJ: We donít want any mean or too subtle challenges...

NP: No, thereís mean challenges as well yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: But Iím afraid you could never do one like that because youíre not as beautiful as Jan.

JR: I donít know!

PJ: Well I donít know, you said that about, when Liza Goddard was here. You made some reference to my appearance. It seems very unkind!

JR: I think youíre lovely, Peter!

PJ: Thank you very much!

NP: Yes actually it was someone...

KW: Well after all this rubbish, letís get on with it! Come on! Give someone the subject!

PJ: I donít know why you always object to other peopleís rubbish!

NP: Thatís a good point to go back to Just A Minute! Jan you have...

JR: What are we talking about?

NP: Iíll tell you, itís marbles is the subject, and there are 37 seconds for you to take the subject starting now.

JR: Many people say to me ďwhere did the phrase originate, Ďsomebodyís lost their marblesí?Ē Now if they had been in the school playground where I was brought up in Liverpool, they would soon know. Because when we played marbles, it was always very important who won. Now there were various kinds of marbles, of which the most powerful were always the steelies. Which were in fact huge ball bearings, and they could knock spots of any other marble which were...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, they wouldnít have knocked spots, theyíd have smashed them!

JR: Itís an idiom!

NP: Yes I agree, they would have smashed them. But she was using the phrase literally, knocking spots off something. And in that sense, I think she was not deviating. So Jan, you keep the subject with nine and a half seconds on marbles starting now.

JR: My favourite kind...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Jan you have eight and a half seconds...

PJ: That was a premature challenge, I thought!

NP: Yes! It was also slightly mean and very sharp.

PJ: Oh it was mean, sharp and premature. Yes right!

NP: And Jan has the subject still of marbles, and more points and eight and a half seconds starting now.

JR: The best sort of marbles in my opinion were called blood ollies...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged again.

DN: Repetition of sort.

NP: Mmmm?

DN: Best sort of marbles.

NP: Yes you talked about sorts of marbles before.

JR: I did, youíre right, I accept that.

NP: There are four and a half seconds for you on marbles Derek starting now.

DN: The Seventh Earl of Elgin brought back from Greece the marbles that were named after him, and itís so brilliant he did...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo got points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went at the end. But in spite that heís only in second place, because Jan Ravens, our first-time guest has got a strong lead. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject is Pluto. Will you tell us something about that...

KW: Yes.

NP: ... in the game starting now.

KW: It was given the title, Pluto, when they built that pipeline under the ocean, which was instrumental, incidentally, in our victory in the war. But in Greek mythology, Pluto is the King of the Underworld. In Greek, itís Hades...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens.

JR: Did you repeat Greek?

NP: No, he hasnít said Greek yet.

DN: I talked about Greece when I was talking about the Earl of Elgin.

JR: Oh Iím all of a doodah, you see, now, arenít I!

NP: Yes.

JR: Got carried away because Iím winning.

NP: Yes I know, itís lovely! But itís lovely to see you in a doodah! I would love to see more of your doodahs!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I didnít mean that! I meant the state that she was describing! Oh dear! What happens on a spontaneous show when you canít cover it up afterwards! You have 38 seconds on Pluto, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Pluto was married to Pisephanie. Sheís sometimes called Prosipina, and is legendary in underworld parlance for...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Weíve been down twice, two underworlds.

NP: Yes you talked about the underworld when you mentioned...

KW: Well heís the King of the Underworld, Pluto!

NP: I know, but you mentioned the word before...

KW: How do you say it, underground?

NP: You find another way...

DN: Hades!

NP: ... as you frequently do...

KW: Thatís his name, you fool! Hades is his name! Ha-des! It means without sight. Therefore the mystery.

NP: Anyway you repeated the word underworld...

KW: Itís not meant to be used for a place. Itís just ignorant people who use it for a place. Hades is the God.

NP: Kenneth you know you canít repeat a word in Just A Minute. Thatís the, the stress of the game, and there are 25 seconds for Pluto with you Derek starting now.

DN: Well not knowing that he was the brother of Jupiter and Neptune, what I do know about Pluto is of course that wonderful comedy character invented by Walt Disney. To go to Anaheim in California, there you will see Pluto with his loveable big nose and floppy ears wandering around...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of loveable.

KW: Oh yes, you done that twice!

NP: Well listened!

KW: You said loveable! Yes!

NP: Loveable...

KW: Isnít he good! Oh thatís good, thatís a brilliant challenge, that is!

PJ: Brilliant challenge!

NP: So Peter you have a point for a correct challenge and the subject is Pluto and there is seven seconds left starting now.

PJ: Pluto is the planet which is furtherest away from the Earth, in the solar system, going round and...

WHISTLE

NP: So we had many aspects of Pluto discussed there and talked about in the game. Peter got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. Heís in third place, Kenneth is one behind him, Derek is one ahead of him, and Jan Ravens is still in the lead. And she also begins the next round. The subject Jan is neighbours. Tell us something about those in the game starting now.

JR: The good kind of neighbours are those you can always rely on to borrow a cup of sugar from in a crisis. When youíve run out and you want some, you can always go round to your neighbours and get a... container with some sweet stuff...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree with that hesitation yes Peter. And there are 46 seconds on neighbours starting now.

PJ: I think thatís a very old fashioned idea of a neighbour, getting cups of sugar from them. Because most people donít drink, eat it anyway. They have sweetex or something. And very... remarkably small number of people...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

PJ: What was that, what was that Derek?

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree yes.

PJ: What kind of challenge was it?

NP: It was an ordinary challenge.

PJ: Ordinary!

DN: Ordinary!

PJ: Brilliant! Mine was brilliant!

DN: (laughs) Iím rather sorry I made it, really!

PJ: Yes, hardly worth it really!

NP: It was about an average one as well. And itís also a correct challenge and thereís also 35 seconds left on neighbours starting now.

DN: As our Lord said, love thy neighbour as thyself. Now if we all did this, what a much happier world it would be! (laughs) And having made...

NP: Peter Jones...

DN: ... who wants enemies when he clasps me on the shoulder and tries desperately to put you off and also scratches your back at the same time? Heís just wanting to try that handy thing. And you canít be challenged...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens has challenged.

JR: Hesitation, but I do feel a bit mean because Peter...

NP: Yes youíre absolutely mean, but it was a correct hesitation, I mean a correct challenge.

DN: Hesitation?

NP: Yes I agree. I must explain to our listeners...

DN: I flinched when he moved from my shoulder and went lower!

NP: Peter Jones sits beside...

PJ: I was being neighbourly, thatís all!

NP: Peter Jones sits beside Derek Nimmo, and he was patting him on the back in good neighbourly fashion then!

PJ: Not from choice, of course! Iím not sitting here from choice!

NP: No but he did...

PJ: Theyíre trying to break Kenneth and me up!

NP: But the process did mean that he hesitated. Jan got in with a correct challenge, she takes the subject of neighbours, 10 seconds starting now.

JR: My unfavourite kind of neighbours are those that are very nosey and wonít leave you alone. And also, speaking on behalf of the younger generation, the people that wonít let you...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, sheís knocking on a bit!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ, IM AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh itís marvellous!! Oh innit marvellous!

DN: Please donít call that the younger generation!

KW: No! Of course not! Look at her!

DN: We can see sheís a middle-aged boot!

KW: Look at her! You can see! You can see! You can see sheís no longer young! That much is obvious, even to me, and my eyesightís going!

JR: Iím speechless with rage!

KW: Well itís an insult youíll just have to swallow!

JR: Just you wait!

KW: We are waiting at the moment on this bloominí chairman! Look at him! Just sitting there dithering! Whatís supposed to be happening?

NP: If you put up with those insults, you do win a lot of points you see Jan, and youíre going to increase your lead as a result. And the reaction of the audience was obvious, that they disagreed entirely! They could see how devious and incorrect and insulting the challenge was! And you have half a second, half a second, thatís all, to take on the subject of neighbours starting now.

JR: Neighbours are...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jan Ravens gained points for the insults, and for speaking or not speaking as the whistle went, but has increased her lead. Sheís actually four points ahead of Derek Nimmo whoís in second place, and he also begins the next round. The subject, Derek, what I want for my birthday. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: Yes well, what I want for my birthday is really rather special. And all those listening, Iíd like you to take a pencil and paper, and write down the date. Itís the 19th of September, thatís what you have to remember, and if you send it to me, care of the British Broadcasting Corporation, in Portland Place, I will be very pleased to receive it. Now I am not suggesting on this occasion that I want Mrs Nicholas Parsons, because she wouldnít travel very well through the post. And what I would like are a collection of marbles, particularly those played with in Liverpool Playgrounds, where I too spent my youth, much at the same time as that old boot, Miss Ravens! And I found there that if she played with these ollies as they were often called...

BUZZ

NP: Ah you have been challenged Derek. And actually the person who challenged first was Peter Jones.

PJ: Yes well you couldnít send these huge steel balls through the post. The postage would be prohibitive, they probably wouldnít accept them. In any case, I object to this er gratuitous insult...

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: He donít know! He donít know! He doesnít have on! Look at him! Heís just rambling on!

NP: You didnít have a challenge of deviation then?

PJ: No, Iím just objecting.

NP: Objecting?

JR: Me too!

PJ: Is it overruled?

KW: Objection overruled!

NP: So unfortunately if youíd got in first, I would have agreed with your challenge Jan, but ...

JR: I was! I was buzzing away like billy-oh!

NP: I know but he got in a split second before with a ridiculous challenge...

PJ: A ridiculous challenge! (laughs)

DN: (as if writing it down) Ri-dic-u-lous challenge!

NP: And you can write that one down, Peter Jones! Ridiculous!

PJ: Ridiculous challenge!

NP: If you can spell it! And er Derek continues, alas with 16 seconds on what I want for my birthday starting now.

DN: There are various other things that I want for my birthday, and these I would like delivered specially to my door. Particularly I would like some early Dewsbury Derby porcelain from about 1760 to 65. It is a particularly good period...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens has challenged.

JR: He said particularly about three times now.

KW: No he didnít! No, only once!

DN: Only one in this one, only when I was talking about the Elgin marbles.

JR: He said it before earlier on.

KW: Oh earlier on doesnít count!

JR: It does!

NP: No what I would particularly like and he said particularly then again. Yes well done Jan, there are three seconds on what I want for my birthday starting now.

JR: What I would particularly...

BUZZ

KW: Hesitation!

DN: Hesitation!

KW: Hesitation!

NP: I know but Derek pressed his buzzer and you spoke, so it doesnít count...

PJ: Double challenge!

NP: So she keeps the subject. Jan you werenít ready, you havenít played the game before, so we go back to that challenge again, three seconds are left, what I want for my birthday starting now.

JR: What I would like for my birthday are all the single earrings from the pairs that I have lost...

WHISTLE

NP: So with the insults which are helping Jan tremendously, she got in again before the whistle went, gained an extra point for speaking as the whistle went, increased her lead at the end of that round. And Kenneth begins the next round, the subject is my favourite type of restaurant. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: My favourite type of restaurant is actually run by those hospitable people, the Italians. And I know this girl called Glorifonti who was a receivist for, she took upon herself that new appellation, by marrying a beautiful young man called Romano. And the dishes they prepare are out of this world! I had these kidneys, they were devilled they said. Well, the piquancy was (in French accent) indescribable. Ah, I have become suddenly the French because as you know, the French restaurants...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two French.

KW: Oh very sharp! Thatís sharp!

NP: Yes and very French. So Derek got a point, the subject, and there are 13 seconds on my favourite type of restaurant starting now.

DN: My favourite type of restaurant is a Chinese one, and I went recently in Hong Kong to a most unusual one. And there...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens.

JR: Repetition of one.

NP: Yes there were two ones. And so Jan got in...

JR: Oh the old boot isnít looking so old now, is she!

NP: She put the boot in there and she has five seconds on my favourite type of restaurant starting now.

JR: My favourite type of restaurant is one where you are greeted by a friendly matire dí hotel...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jan Ravens was once again speaking as the whistle went, and she has slightly increased her lead at the end of the round by one point, three ahead of Derek Nimmo, and quite a few ahead of Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. Jan itís your turn to begin and the subject is the zodiac sign of Taurus.

JR: Taurus, the zodiac bull, happens to be my very own star sign. And I do think that it is one of the most wonderful things to be born under. Because you possess many very great...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of under.

NP: Yes, so Peter you have the subject, there are 46 seconds on...

PJ: I donít really want it, actually!

NP: Taurus, the zodiac sign...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ... yes, starting now.

PJ: Well I believe that itís the sign of the bull. But Iím not terribly conversant with the meaning or the implication of ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation really.

NP: You werenít even interested in the subject, were you?

PJ: No, I wasnít no. Why are we getting so many of these? We had Pluto the other er day...

NP: We had Pluto in this show.

PJ: We did, yes!

NP: When you nodded off, and you came back, and you talked about Pluto.

PJ: Oh yes, thatís right yes yes.

NP: The planet in our solar system the furtherest away from the sun, I mean planet from the earth.

PJ: Yes yes.

NP: And there are 36 seconds on Taurus the zodiac sign with Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: I was very interested to hear that Jan Ravens is a Taurean. Because people born under that sign are warm, loving, compassionate, loveable. Hitler was a Taurus! And therefore they all seem to bring out quite the nicest sorts of things about people. And then I wandered through the world, looking for people who are born under the sign of Taurus, I do find that they are quite different to other people! Gifted in many ways like playing marbles, and scratching their back, and you can always spot them in a public place. One looks over there and sees a young lady and thinks that is someone who...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo got extra points, Iím also very flattered, because normally he saves those sort of remarks for me, and heís put me in the same company with you, Jan. Derek crept up on, heís that kind of fellow, and heís only one behind Jan Ravens who is still our leader. And Derek begins the next round, getting the winkle out is the subject that Ian Messiter thought of. Derek can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: Getting the winkle out. Well Iím very sorry that I have neglected Nicholas Parsons because I would like to get his winkle out and if I did, I donít quite know what I would do. Because heís very keen on eating this particular kind of small sea water snail. And when I see him with a winkle in his hand, I then get a pin, and help him to remove, take the winkle out. For this purpose, I usually have a stock, one, this little one here, with a little diamond, or quite a few of them, come to think of it. And a pearl, and I place it into the winkle, and gently prise it out, and pop it into the aforementioned chairmanís mouth. And he sucks it down in a quite disgusting way as he tends to do. But getting the winkle out...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, I donít believe he has ever done this sort of thing for you!

NP: Absolutely right! My goodness me, how devious can you get? So Kenneth I agree with the challenge, and there are 16 seconds for you on getting the winkle out starting now.

KW: You get your winkle out, if you have any sense at all, with a great deal of alacrity. Because you need a lot of them on a slice of bread, if youíre going to make what I call a delicious winkle sandwich. Now there are some...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we not only have finished the round in style once again, with Kenneth Williams gaining the extra point for speaking as the whistle went, but we have finished this particular show. Let me give you the final scores. Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams finished equal together in third place, about six points behind Derek Nimmo. Who did very well but he did not manage to beat our first time player of the game, and sheís done magnificently to win, on her first time out, Jan Ravens! So we hope youíve enjoyed listening to the show. Weíll be back again with Just A Minute in about a weekís time, till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.