JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,AMacdonald,JBeadle
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, AIMI MACDONALD and JEREMY BEADLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 May 1983)

NOTE: Jeremy Beadle's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Aimi Macdonald and Jeremy Beadle in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you all about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome back a guest who has played the game a number of times before, but hasnít been on the series for two years. So itís lovely to have the lovely Aimi Macdonald back in the show. And from his triumphs already in this series this year, we welcome back Jeremy Beadle for a quick return visit. And they are going to pit their wits, their verbal dexterity, their ingenuity and their charm against our two regulars sitting on the opposite side of the stage here at the Paris Studio in the centre of London, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. So keep that up as I ask them to speak if they can on the subject that I give them, and they will try and do it as usual without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show with Kenneth Williams. And the subject Kenneth is early morning exercises. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Early morning exercises involve my bending down to actually tie the laces. And the effort is so warming to my blood, it sends the adrenaline flowing through my veins. And then I fall back in a terrible faint on the bed, and have to have a cup of tea and an aspirin. Because this whole event has been so enervating, you see. Others can get up and lift barbells, huge weights, throw themselves around the place with most incredible abandon. And I look upon this with admiration and not a little...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: I think itís hesitation, darling. Thereís all these great ďandĒs, heís thinking about...

NP: I think there was a hesitation Aimi. Yes and he... so letís have you now with three seconds to go on early morning exercises starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: You rotten...

AM: Oh!

NP: Go back to Chatteris, you... hardly half a second went. Aimi this is the tactics, they are going to try and intimidate you! As you have two and a ha;f seconds on early morning exercises starting now.

AM: Throw back the bed clothes, you leap out of bed, one, two, three, four...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh by the way when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was of course Aimi Macdonald. And Jeremy Beadle, will you take the next round, the subject, getting to sleep. Sixty seconds starting now.

JEREMY BEADLE: Getting to sleep can include several very disgusting exercises which I donít intend to repeat here. Some people have found that feathers are very conducive to creating the insomniacís bible. Now I donít know what that means either, but as I havenít repeated myself, and Iím not deviating from the subject, Iím hopefully going to be allowed to continue. The great thing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well heís not talking about getting to sleep, heís talking about continuing on this programme.

NP: Absolutely right, Kenneth, yes. So Kenneth you have the subject with 35 seconds on getting to sleep starting now.

KW: Lie there, almost somnambulant, think in terms of relaxation and pull a soft whitney blanket over your recumbent form, and think something lovely. Imagine my own in Paradise with zephyrs breathing sweetly upon your nostrils. And then you will drift into the arms of, yes, Morpheus! You will be embraced by him. And thus go into oblivion. Wake then refreshed to face all the rigours...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth kept going with getting to sleep until the whistle went, gained an extra point, and heís now equal in the lead with Aimi Macdonald. Aimi you begin the next round, the subject is washing an elephant. Ian Messiter obviously has chosen this specially for you, because of your personal experiences. And you have 60 seconds to talk on the subject if you can starting now.

AM: Oh washing an elephant is something I really do know about. Because, you see, I have experienced the situation. Now if you want to be, do the job well, the best thing to do is to stick the elephant into a car wash! But this isnít always quite humane, you see, because its trunk gets all mixed up...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle has challenged.

JB: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes, she did say ďyou seeĒ more than once.

AM: Oh did I? You see, thatís something that I do normally.

NP: I know.

JB: Then I take it back.

NP: Thereís a lot of things I do normally, but I canít do them on Just A Minute. So I think we have to give it to Jeremy for that, and there are 44 seconds Jeremy, washing an elephant starting now.

JB: The first thing one must always remember about elephants, is never to get one between you and a wall. Because this can create a rather crushing experience. Elephants are known to lean on handlers. Any large animal, in fact, will try to rest...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Clement, you have 26 seconds to take over the subject of washing an elephant starting now.

CF: Washing an elephant can be quite unnecessary if you have a self-washing elephant. They have, they have trunks into which you put a little...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Because thereís no such thing as a self-washing elephant.

NP: Well I think the idea of you washing an elephant is equally ridiculous! So, so I donít think he was deviating from the subject as itís a rather hilarious idea. I think he was keeping with the subject so I leave it with Clement and there are 17 seconds, washing an elephant starting now.

CF: They do froth and lather better than any other animal that Iíve come across. Especially with sunlight which shines upon their trunk in the most...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle has challenged.

CF: Trunks before, trunk this time.

JB: So plurals last time, singular this time.

NP: Yes, youíre allowed plurals. You have to listen very carefully Jeremy.

JB: Ah, okay in that case, can I, can I challenge on muttering?

NP: (laughs) Yes you can, it still wonít make any difference.

JB: Okay.

NP: But itís nice to hear from you anyway. Two seconds are left with you Clement, on washing an elephant starting now.

CF: You start with the feet.

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No! Jeremy got in before.

CF: That wasnít two seconds.

NP: You see, you were being too clever Clement.

JB: I, I, no, that was definite hesitation because he misjudged the two seconds...

NP: No, donít worry, donít need to establish it, yes I think we all heard it, if you can hear a hesitation.

IAN MESSITER: One fifth.

NP: One fifth of a second, according to Ian Messiter. Washing an elephant starting now.

JB: Delegate...

WHISTLE

NP: Now at the end of that round, they all have three points. And Clement actually has one more, he has four points. Heís in the lead and he begins the next round. Clement the subject is neutral. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: When you are neutral, thereís a very strong argument for not being able to tell anybody anything, especially in the normal voice which they use. But in Parliament, it is a strange thing that... neutrality...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Thatís...

CF: I think itís important to get out, never mind...

NP: I agree with the hesitation Aimi.

CF: Do you?

NP: You take over the subject of neutral, and 47 seconds starting now.

AM: Purple and orange and baby blue, brown. But the best colour of all you see, if you want to get your things together is a neutral colour. Because that way you can put all your...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement.

CF: Hesitation?

NP: Yes because she used the word colour, partly because she...

JB: No, colour and colours!

NP: Youíre not working for you, youíre just working for Aimi, arenít you!

JB: Well I can understand that.

NP: Ah Clement you have 33 seconds on neutral starting now.

CF: As I...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle.

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Jeremy, there are 31 and a half seconds on neutral starting now.

JB: (laughing) I, I hate... oh!

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle challenged.

JB: I challenge myself for hesitation.

NP: Jeremy you have challenged yourself, what was your challenge?

JB: Ah hesitation.

NP: You are absolutely right, you get a point for that. Very very well thought out, yes...

JB: Thank you very much indeed.

NP: And you continue with the subject of neutral and there are 28 and a half seconds starting now.

JB: It is sometimes almost impossible to remain neutral, given the situation wherein love is involved. Hate is an easy thing not to be neutral about, but when one is talking about the great throb of the heart, it is an occasion when the mind is confused by the bodyís needs. When everything about the soul is suddenly thrown up in the air, to decide shall I go this way, or shall I go that way...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle you challenged yourself.

JB: I, I repeated myself.

NP: Iím not going to let you get away with it twice.

AM: Thatís not fair, I challenged him too.

NP: Iím going to give everybody else a point for that one, because you canít do it twice in the same round.

JB: May I, may I...

NP: So everybody else gets a point except Jeremy Beadle, who keeps the subject...

IM: Two fifths of a second.

NP: And there are two fifths of a second to go starting now.

JB: In the beginning...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Aimi Macdonald, Jeremy Beadle and Clement Freud all have six points, Kenneth Williams has four and he begins the next round. The subject Kenneth is Hyperion. Will you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The lovely line occurs in Hamlet where he compares the bad man with a good one, saying ďlook, Hyperion to AsackerĒ. Hyperion was...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Oh Iíve done it, no, Iím sorry.

NP: Yes itís all right.

AM: I take it back. I forgot, you see.

NP: No, you havenít been... we wonít charge anything...

AM: You can repeat the word.

NP: You can repeat the word. And as you knew your mistake...

AM: Oh Iím awfully sorry Kenneth, I spoiled his flow.

NP: But we donít charge on that and we leave the subject with you of Hyperion, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Hyperion was one of the titans of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Can we not charge on that either?

NP: What?

CF: I donít know! Whatever you werenít charging for last time!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Now heís in the lead!

NP: Come off it audience, it wasnít such a clever challenge as all that! It doesnít deserve a round of applause! But on this occasion as you interrupted Kenneth in full flow and flood, I will give a point for an incorrect challenge Kenneth, and you still have the subject of Hyperion, and 42 seconds starting now.

KW: Hyperion was one of the titans, and he had two children, well I mean he had three in point. But one was Sellini... what?

BUZZ

KW: Whatís going on? Whatís going on? Somebody is...

NP: Nothing was going on. The audience were absolutely, they were throbbing with it, as you often have said yourself. And who challenged?

CF: I did.

NP: What was your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, perfectly correct. Iím afraid, Kenneth, nothing was happening. So Clement gets Hyperion with 33 seconds starting now.

CF: Hyperion won one of the very best pre-war Derbys of my memory. Ridden by one Tommy Western, who sadly died in an old peopleís home in Ely two years ago. When Hyperion... won...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Oh hesitation over w-w-w-w-won!

CF: Thatís right.

NP: Yes. Twenty seconds for you Aimi on Hyperion starting now.

AM: Now we all know what hypertonic means. We all know what hypertension...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: You all know, you all know.

NP: Yes thatís right, well done Kenneth.

AM: I do repeat myself a lot, donít I.

NP: And you have um, ah 16 seconds on Hyperion, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well he gave birth to Sellini and then he also...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi has challenged, yes?

AM: Itís deviation, darling. Come on?

NP: Why?

AM: He canít give birth, he said ďhe gave birthĒ.

NP: Ah if you had had him for repetition of Sellini, youíd have been right. But it wasnít...

AM: Well, that as well.

JB: Well if him, if him not giving birth isnít deviation, I donít know what is!

AM: Exactly! I mean, come on!

NP: Him giving birth?

JB: Mmmm.

AM: Thatís a deviation! Must be!

NP: Oh yes! I hadnít realised that! Iím terribly sorry! I hadnít realised yes! You see, I, I keep away from these delicate subjects. Aimi you have a correct challenge and you have 12 and a half seconds on Hyperion starting now.

AM: What one does ask oneself is what is the meaning exactly of the word Hyperion. Kenneth Williams gives us lots of reasons and so in fact does Clement Freud. What Jeremy Beadle...

WHISTLE

NP: So Aimi Macdonald speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point. And she has gone into the lead now. She is two ahead of Clement Freud, and three ahead of the joint third equal, Jeremy Beadle and Kenneth Williams. Jeremy begins the next round, the subject Jeremy is my galoshes. Sixty seconds starting now.

JB: Ah well one of the most interesting things about my galoshes is the way that I bought them. I entered a shoe shop and sat down, whereupon a lovely young lady approached me and said in words of one syllable, ďhi sailorĒ which is two syllables, I know. But I just wanted to see whether Clement Freud would jump in or not, and er challenge me but...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has jumped in instead. Aimi whatís your challenge?

AM: Um hesitation, and er challenge me.

NP: Yes,because of his deviation! There are 40 seconds Aimi on my galoshes, with you starting now.

AM: Iíve got the most wonderful pair of galoshes. The only trouble is on the left one, there is this enormous hole, you see. But I donít want to chuck it out, because I really am terribly attached to these galoshes, the left one in particular. So what I do, you see, is stick a bit of er elastoplast over the top. And I still have these wonderful galoshes in my possession and I wear them every time I go out for long walks, or climb trees, and wade through marshlands. Itís absolutely fantastic! And one day Iím going to take Kenneth Williams with me, because heís sitting over there looking as though he doesnít believe a word Iím saying! And itís absolutely true! And my minute must be up soon because I donít think I canít last much longer! However I think I will talk about a blue pair of galoshes that I have actually in the back of my cupboard. Now these ones donít fit very well at all, you see, so I never ever wear them...

WHISTLE

NP: Your, your minute was up actually about 20 or 30 seconds ago but ah...

AM: Oh that was mean!

NP: No, it wasnít mean, it was lovely, the audience adored it. Didnít you enjoy it?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Anybody who can talk such rubbish about galoshes and ah, you have to let them go on. But you have increased your lead Aimi at the end of the round. And Aimi itís your turn to begin again, the subject is keeping me legs so shapely. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

AM: Well the best thing to do, actually, is lie on the floor, with your arms straight out, and your legs in front of you, and put your elbows, prop yourself up on those. Then push with all your might, your bottom up into the air, followed by knees, followed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It canít be the best thing to do!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I, I think what we do there is we give Clement a bonus point for a very good challenge. But I mean she wasnít er really deviating from the subject. So you continue Aimi with 45 seconds starting now.

AM: Once in this position, you start to bicycle like mad. That means rotating the knees and the ankles and...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle has challenged.

JB: Repetition of knees.

NP: Yes. the idea of rotating the knees? Jeremy we Ďre going to hear from you now with 37 seconds to go on keeping my legs so shapely. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

JB: Keeping my legs so shapely requires me to perform certain exercises which are very rude. But basically they involve... scratching...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

JB: Thank God for that!

AM: (laughs) I should have let you go on, shouldnít I, darling!

NP: No...

AM: It was hesitation.

NP: No, I donít think he did hesitate.

JB: What? Are you sure?

NP: Iím quite sure. You were teetering on me but Aimi was a bit too sharp there. There are 29 seconds for you to go on, keeping me legs so shapely Jeremy, starting now.

JB: The idea is that one lengthens the muscles. This keeps them in tone and supple. One can try to run a...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Oh that was ah, what do you call it? Repetition.

JB: No, but there was only one of them.

AM: There was one, there was two ones, darling. You said one something, and one something else.

JB: Oh I see.

NP: You did say one, you did say one before.

JB: Yes.

AM: We know youíve got two legs, darling.

NP: We know youíre using the impersonal one. But um...

JB: Yes, one was the impersonal, one was the number one.

NP: One was...

JB: As one would say...

NP: Oh shut up, Jeremy! We know what you were doing, but it doesnít count in Just A Minute. Aimi you have 21 seconds on keeping me legs so shapely starting now.

AM: I honestly donít know, I havenít one single clue as to how Jeremy Beadle keeps his legs in shape. But I think, for the general public at large, probably the best thing to do is run, jog, leap, bound, trampoline, dance.

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah she stopped.

NP: She did! And you stopped with only two seconds to go Aimi.

AM: Oh no!

NP: So Clement Freud will now tell us something about keeping my legs so shapely...

LAUGHTER FROM KW, JB AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And this should be a... Kennethís overcome with the idea, the thought of it. So Kenneth, Clement, you have two seconds starting now.

CF: I havenít seen my legs for quite a long time!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point...

CF: You know, I share an office with Cyril Smith, and he has, he has his shoes shined and asks me how they are!

NP: And you ask him about your legs, do you?

CF: Yeah!

NP: Well you are two points behind our leader, who is still Aimi Macdonald. And Jeremy Beadle and Kenneth Williams are a little way behind and equal in third place. And Clement itís your turn to begin. The subject is the art of gambling. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: Gambling is more of a craft than an art. But the only time that you should gamble is either if you know that youíre going to win, or if youíre getting value for money. And it is extremely foolish to go into a casino or a betting shop, or visit a bookmaker, and put your money on an eventuality for any other reason whatsoever. I have quite frequently had punts, which is a name for betting in the trade, on the results of contests of one kind or another. And occasionally I win, there have been moments when bookmakers or the trade as we like to name them...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle.

JB: Repetition of trade.

NP: In the trade, or the trade as we like to name them. Yes well listened Jeremy, and 20 seconds with you Jeremy on the art of gambling starting now.

JB: In gambling, one can either win or lose, or one can always not gamble, which can be a great advantage...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, in gambling, you canít not gamble!

NP: Well done Clement, 13 seconds...

JB: No, it is a gamble, it is a gamble not to gamble! If I decide not to buy a premium bond, Iím gambling that it is not worth my time. Therefore I have not gambled, but I have gambled by not gambling!

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

JB: And just because Clement Freud has brought that rabid lot in, itís nothing to do with it!

NP: I think thatís a very clever and ingenious explanation...

CF: Do you really?

JB: No-oneís going to listen to it! (laughs)

NP: Well I have to make a decision and Iíve made it. And Clement you carry on with the art of gambling starting now.

CF: Roulette is one of the most popular games. You can bet on black or red, even, uneven, high, low. The croupier puts the ball into the spinning wheel, gives it a twist, whereafter...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has now gone one ahead of Aimi Macdonald. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round. The subject for you Kenneth now is some of my favourite words. Heís dying to go on this one, I must tell the listeners. he obviously has brought many of them out in Just A Minute, and now heís about to do it again starting now.

KW: One of my favourite words is pandiculate. And pandiculatory exercises involve the business of yawning and stretching your limbs, at the same time. And the word, which is polysyllabic but conveys a whole wealth of meaning, is one to be relished. Much the same applies to carnival. Derived from carnal, flesh, and leathery, to cover. The mask was always used on those festive occasions, you see. And then we think of a word like good-bye, derived from God be with you...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Repetition, he said derived quite a few times.

NP: Yes he did say derived before, Iím afraid. And so Aimi you have a correct challenge and you have 12 seconds on some of my favourite words starting now.

AM: I do wish I hadnít buzzed, because quite honestly words are not my favourite subject...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: In that case, shut up!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the audience reaction is a tremendous condemnation of this programme! Someone can be so rude to a lady, and then cheered in the audience.

AM: Thank you Nicholas.

KW: What are you talking about, rude to a lady? Sheís no lady!

AM: Oh!

KW: Rude to a lady!

NP: Is that the state that this programme...

KW: What a load of palaver he comes out with, doesnít he! Talk about buttering her up! Heís probably trying to date her after the show! Itís a joke isnít it! Chairman? He doesnít want a deck chair, he wants a bath chair! They have to wheel him in!

NP: Now youíve been rude to everybody now except Jeremy Beadle. Have a go at him!

KW: Oh Iíll start on him in a minute, yes!

AM: He feels very safe sitting right over there, doesnít he. Because Iím bigger than him, you see!

NP: Yes you certainly are Aimi. And at the moment, and at the moment, youíre in the lead having got a point for a correct challenge, and there are six seconds to go on some of my favourite words starting now.

AM: There are lots of favourite words...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Beadle challenged.

JB: Um I just wanted to make sure that the lovely Aimi Macdonald won, so Iíve given an incorrect challenge.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Woohoo!

JB: And I do, and I do hope that the mob that Freud has brought in will think the less of me!

NP: Such chivalry on Just A Minute!

AM: Oh Jeremy youíre so gallant!

NP: Itís most unusual, so gallant too really.

AM: I know, one never sees that any more nowadays, itís marvellous!

NP: And youíre dating him after the show instead of me? Aimi there are five seconds for you to continue, having got another point with Jeremyís help, some of my favourite words starting now.

AM: My very very favourite word is pusillanimous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of very.

NP: Of very very!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh dear Aimi! I have to give it to Clement...

AM: I know!

NP: ... because it was a correct challenge, but listen carefully as Clement goes on for four and a half seconds on some of my favourite words starting now.

CF: Spaghetti, tagliatelli, cameloni, noodles...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud, ungallantly, and unchivalrously, got in just before the whistle went, kept going till the whistle, gained an extra point for doing so. But he didnít finish up the sole winner. Let me tell you that Jeremy Beadle, who has not played the game very much, did extremely well, it was lovely having you Jeremy. You finished up equal in third place, with Kenneth Williams. And we have joint winners, way out ahead of you, Aimi Macdonald, our guest, alongside Clement Freud! Well we hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and have had as much fun listening to it as weíve had playing the game. And youíll want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.