JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,AMacdonald,JRavens
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, AIMI MACDONALD and JAN RAVENS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 October 1983)

NOTE: Aimi Macdonald's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Aimi Macdonald and Jan Ravens in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much. Thank you for the cheers and the boos, they both mean as much. Welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from our announcer this week we have two guests of the female gender. We have back the lovely Aimi Macdonald. And after her triumphs earlier this year, Jan Ravens. So would you welcome them both please. Once again theyíre all going to try and speak at different times we hope on the subject I will give them, and try and do it without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, the subject is how to have fun in a public library. Would you talk on that subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: I think if I had two hours in which to think of a subject, how to have fun in a public library would have eluded me. But probably the best way of doing it is to bring your own fun, and then you have to return it within 14 days or pay a fine. In view of the fact that youíre not allowed to speak in a public library, such amusement as you provide would have to be silent, and mime might be the favourite vehicle for deployment, in order to cause entertainment to one and all who have library cards, which is of course a prerequisite and an essential for gaining admission to civic buildings of that order. Many...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Hesitation. You know, when he stopped and took a breath, the breath was just a little bit too big.

NP: I know, but if we if we challenged on breaths, weíd never get going at all in this game. So Aimi, Clement has a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 18 seconds left, how to have fun in a public library Clement, starting now.

CF: Breathing is actually one of the few things that you can do in a public library. Although the provision of humour is not implicit in that particular exercise of either the vocal chords or the pulmonary or lungal...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Repetition of ors. There were a lot of ors in there.

NP: Yeah there were a lot of ors, and we donít want too many of those in Just A Minute. But actually it was because it was such a positive or, that I will give it to you Aimi. And with three seconds to go, youíve got in on how to have fun in a public library starting now.

AM: The best way to have fun in a public library really, of course, is...

WHISTLE

NP: So when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And it was Aimi Macdonald, she did the same thing the last time she was here, a number of weeks ago. And Aimi, at the end of the first round you are in the lead. One ahead of Clement Freud, and also weíd like you to begin the next round. The subject is what I knew at 18. Can you reveal some of that in the game starting now.

AM: Oh darling, it was so long ago! But actually I didnít quite honestly know an awful lot. I remember at school my mind used to wander with great gusto over all sorts of fields except what I was actually supposed to be concentrating on. And the great things of algebra and geometry and geography and history and Latin...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: We have had about five ands.

NP: Yes there were four ands. So Iím afraid four is too strong, and Kenneth has the subject of what I knew at 18, and there are 35 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: What I knew at 18 was that I possessed an extraordinary talent! And I said to myself ďtheyíll be coming round to your door and making you a very nice proposition!Ē It happened. The Army called me. I was paraded in front of these men in white coats. And this fellow said ďpull your stomach round to the front, for heavenís sake!Ē I had my back to him at the time so you can imagine the confusion that ensued. But off I was sent to a Bela Lugosi type figure who took a pint of blood from my veins...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth having gained the subject kept going till the whistle went, gained that all important extra point, and heís equal in the lead with Aimi Macdonald at the end of the round. And Kenneth will you begin the next round and the subject is just simply Pam. Will you tell us something about Pam, with an M at the end, starting now.

KW: Pam was mistakenly by Johnson put into the dictionary with quite the wrong definition. And he actually said that he was derived from palm, meaning victory. In spite of that it was erroneous. It was the nickname also for a great statesman. And Pam Ayres, we all know that delightful West Country writer. Iíve often said, when meeting her, ďoh Pam, I donít know how you do it! How you think these wonderful little couplets up! And you must have some sort of thing in your sleep, you get up in the morning and you get out your pencil and...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: Repetition of you. You get up in the morning, you get out your thing, you do...

NP: You are this, you are that, thatís right. There were more than two or three of them. So we do allow the little words...

KW: You think thatís non-U, do you?

NP: I think the little words, if theyíre repeated too often, we give it to the...

KW: Well those little things remind me of you!

NP: You mustnít bring out these secrets in public, Kenneth! There are 12 seconds for you, Pam, Pam! Sorry, for you Aimi, so Aimi will you talk about Pam with 12 seconds to go starting now.

AM: Pamís a wonderful lady. She lives down the stairs from me, and nothing is too much trouble. In her spare time she works in a circus as a tightrope walker...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Aimi Macdonald was speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point. And she has increased her lead over Kenneth Williams and of course the others as well. Jan Ravens, will you take the next round, Jan the subject is getting away with it. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

JAN RAVENS: My best feats of getting away with it were performed when I was at school. And I always had an excuse for any little naughty thing that I performed. I well remember when friends of mine and myself used to skive off school every Friday morning and go to somebodyís house for coffee. And one day as I was leaving the premises, I was stopped in my tracks by the deputy head mistress who said to me ďwhere do you think youíre going?Ē And right on the spur of the moment, I thought ďwhat can I say?Ē I said (in tears) ďitís my cat!Ē And she said ďwhatís wrong?Ē I said ďit hasnít eaten for days and days, Iíve got to...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Ah Aimi.

AM: Well two, repetition of said. Said, said.

NP: Yes you were very generous.

AM: And hesitation.

NP: We let them go on the saids. But when you... Aimi you have 19 seconds on getting away with it starting now.

AM: I was off school once with a bad cold. And when I went back, I said to the teacher that I had swallowed marbles. To which point she got all the girls in the class...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, itís ungrammatical. ďTo which point she gotĒ, I mean itís a lot of rubbish! Itís rubbish! It doesnít even make sense, does it!

NP: It doesnít but...

AM: I thought you wouldnít notice!

KW: I donít know why you engage these illiterates to go on the show! Sheís mad!

NP: So Kenneth, you get away with a certain amount of colloquialisms. But all right, you have um eight seconds on getting away with it starting now.

KW: Iím getting away with it all the time! And I come on and I say ďoh Iíll have a large one...Ē

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Thatís four Is in five seconds!

NP: Iím getting away with it, yes, there were four Is. Weíve been challenging on those...

KW: You always say we donít take any notice of these little things like I and he...

NP: Yes but when they do four...

JR: Weíve taken notice of about five more that you challenged on!

NP: But when...

KW: he had loads of Is, about...

NP: You challenged on ďandĒ, and we let, we granted it because there were four...

KW: Oh shut your row! I didnít!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Thank you! The audience understands exactly! You see the audience has the logical mind, do you understand, theyíre judging it...

NP: You want to challenge on four ands, so Clementís entitled to win one on four Is. And thatís the way I interpret it, because thatís the way I have to dispense justice in Just A Minute. It makes me very sound very pompous, but I canít help it. Thereís one second for Clement on getting away with it starting now.

CF: I had a white mouse...

WHISTLE

CF: Didnít have a deputy head mistress!

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and er, heís still in third place. And he also begins the next round and Clement the subject is Paris. Will you tell us something about that enchanting city in the game starting now.

CF: Well...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: Yes there was. He thought of Paris, and just went into a dwam, as they say in Scotland. So...

CF: Well you said ďcityĒ, you see, and I was going to talk about Paris, not the city, which is why I stopped.

NP: I think you were being very generous to Kenneth, because I know heís got a lot to say on Paris too. And there are 58 seconds for you Kenneth on Paris starting now.

KW: Well Cole Porter wrote the most enchanting song, The Last Time I Saw Paris. And of course it rather threw into the shade Paris Is Paris Again which has an enchanting lyric...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens has challenged.

JR: I think he said enchanting twice.

NP: Yes, he did, Iím afraid. So Jan you have a correct challenge and you have 44 seconds to talk on Paris starting now.

JR: I have never been to Paris. But I believe that there are many mime artists on the street. And they perform lots of different acts, and they pretend to be many different...

BUZZ

JR: Aaaaaargh!

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: I know the feeling, darling! That was repetition.

NP: I know, it was beautifully mimed for radio too, wasnít it? Twenty seconds are left for Paris with you Aimi starting now.

AM: Oh the Bwois de Bologne, the Chance Elysais, the Arc de Triomphe, the palais de Versailles, the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: How about the Plaice Begalle?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So were you helping again or challenging? You were giving her the Plaice Begalle to her, letting her keep the subject.

CF: Well there was sort of hesitation.

NP: There was hesitation Clement.

CF: And help.

NP: Twelve seconds for you on Paris starting now.

CF: Has one of the cleanest Metro systems in the whole world. And the carriages come...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Deviation, I disagree.

NP: Well you can disagree, but he can still say it. You see heís not actually deviating from Paris.

AM: Well he canít possibly say that because itís not true!

CF: It is true.

NP: It is actually true, I believe itís true. But it doesnít matter whether you, you know, a general comparisonís been done, it doesnít matter. He wasnít, in his opinion, thatís what heís saying about Paris and itís all right within the game. And eight seconds for you to continue Clement starting now.

CF: Occasionally dirty people get into a train. But by and large we can...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: What was he looking at me for? (laughs)

NP: Because he was trying to make his point, the fact that it is the cleanest Metro. But no, you mustnít take that personally Aimi, because we know how often you wash. And... if you want to know how I know, Iím not going to reveal! And Clement you keep going with two more seconds, Paris, starting now.

CF: April, May and June are the best months...

WHISTLE

NP: Well spurred on by his cheer group from Chatteris, Clement Freud has got a number of extra points. And heís still in second place behind Aimi Macdonald, just ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Jan Ravens is just behind Kenneth. And Aimi begins the next round, and the subject, oh this is a strong subject. An affair Iíd like to have had, no, no sorry, an affair Iíd like to have. Itís in the future so itís all right.

AM: A what, darling?

NP: This is what Ian Messiterís thought of, an affair Iíd like to have.

AM: Oh!

NP: I think Ianís got something at the back of his mind on that subject for you Aimi. So anyway there are 60 seconds for you to talk on that starting now.

AM: Well there is an affair I would like to have. And I do plan to commence this situation this coming summer. Whereupon I shall...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens challenged.

JR: Hesitation.

NP: Yes we wonít find out what this...

AM: Letís see about yours now, right!

JR: I must say itís getting very catty over here, you know!

NP: Letís hear, yes, because I must explain to our listeners, the two girls are sitting together, and the two fellows are sitting opposite them. And Jan Ravens has got in with 50 seconds to go, an affair I would like to have Jan starting now.

JR: An affair I would like to have is one with my public. I would like to take my audience home with me in the evening after the show...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Oh I canít think of the word. But you canít, you canít have an affair with the public. I mean, thatís lots and lots of...

NP: Well I...

CF: If itís a small audience!

JR: Not very broad minded, is she!

NP: Well I donít know about that. But I think, colloquially speaking, you people do talk in show business about having an affair with an audience. Itís a little bit incestuous, but on the other hand um, itís a, it is a phrase, she used it, and she was not deviating. And she has 43 seconds, an affair Iíd like to have Jan starting now.

JR: An affair Iíd like to have is one with about 50 people and some ah pretzels and some bagels, maybe...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well some er.

NP: Some er yes. After those 15 people you wondered what the hell you were going to do with them, and you erred. And well you might! Thirty-six seconds Kenneth for you, an affair Iíd like to have starting now.

KW: Obviously I would like to have a steamy affair with some gorgeous gauletier like creature. Now you know that in Greek mythology, this is the one who perfectly created in the actual marble suddenly came to life. Iím not saying she actually made...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: There was two actuallys there.

NP: Yes you did say actually before Kenneth, Iím sorry. Aimi weíre back with you on this affair, and you left us in the middle of the summer actually, I must remind you, if you want to continue. There are 12 seconds starting now.

AM: I shall don the smallest bikini you have ever seen in your life. And there I will climb the stairs out on to my little patio, I shall spread myself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Itís deviation, she is nothing to do with an affair, sheís, sheís...

AM: But darling, Iím getting to that! God, heís impatient!

NP: She works slowly up to these things!

CF: Well itís not that far in the future, is it.

AM: What?

NP: Well I, I felt she was working slowly up to the affair, and she hadnít actually deviated. And there are four seconds Aimi starting now.

AM: My towel will be clasped in one hand, my baby oil in the other...

WHISTLE

NP: So Aimi Macdonald cleverly kept going on the subject, but never revealing actually, who was the person who was going to greet her on the stairs, on the patio, with her towel and her bikini.

AM: It was the sun, darling. I was going to throw myself akimbo, and say ďtake me, take meĒ to the sun.

NP: Oh yes! Who was going to take you there?

AM: No, the sun, I mean, I was talking about the sun...

NP: You were going to have an affair with the sun...

AM: Yes.

NP: Janís going to have it with the audience, Kennethís going to have it with some mythical figure from Greek mythology, and Clement Freud couldnít care less!

JR: Heís too impatient! Thatís why!

NP: Oh is that it? I hope youíre not speaking from experience, Jan! The um, Aimi you have increased your lead. Youíre in a very strong lead, you are four points head of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams, equal in second place, and six points ahead of Jan Ravens. Kenneth, itís your turn to begin, the subject is the pricking of my thumbs, will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: Well all I know about it is this old rhyme about ďby the pricking of my thumbs, I place thee there, thereĒ... there there...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

KW: Itís ďthere their tumsĒ, isnít it? Tums and tummies, I mean.

NP: I know but it didnít come quick enough to mind, so you hesitated. And Aimiís got in with the subject of the pricking of my thumbs, and 54 seconds starting now.

AM: As every lady knows, when you sew on a button, it can be rather dangerous, and you could prick your thumb. In order not to do this, you tend to cover it up with what is commonly known as a thimble. I donít like those things at all, I never use them. Consequently my thumbs are always getting pricked. And...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Pricked.

AM: No!

NP: She didnít say pricked before. She said the pricking of before.

CF: Oh good!

NP: Yes. So Aimi has another point and 30 seconds on the pricking of my thumbs starting now.

AM: When it happens, oh, my goodness me, I canít tell you! Thereís blood everywhere! You have to rush to the medicine cabinet, get out a piece of elastoplast, having soaked it first in cold water. Thatís the best thing because you see it stops the flow. Then you snap this thing on, and you stick it down, and go back to your...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation?

NP: Yes you went back to your, yes...

AM: Quite right.

NP: Yes.

AM: I couldnít think what to do.

NP: So Clement...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens?

JR: Sorry I was just checking that my buzzer was working! Because people keep getting in before me, I think I must have very bad reflexes!

NP: I donít, um...

JR: Somebody must do that test on me, you know, that with your knees. To test your reflexes.

NP: Oh yes yes. Well can we wait till after the show?

JR: Okay.

NP: Good! Clement Freud, youíve got in with eight, sorry, no, itís nine seconds to go on the pricking of my thumbs starting now.

CF: The only way you could achieve this is with a needle which is sharp at both ends, and if you hold that between your two outstretched hands...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the audience usually cheer for Kenneth Williams when he gets extra points. This week they are cheering for Clement Freud, because he has brought a group with him! And Aimi Macdonald...

CF: A nice...

NP: ... is still in the lead, and Jan Ravens begins the next round. And the subject Jan is bunglers. Can you tell us something about bunglers in Just A Minute starting now.

JR: When my parents retire, all that they want is a nice little bungler, with two bedrooms and a bathroom, and a kitchen, with lots of working surfaces. This little bungler should be somewhere rural with a nice little...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, I mean sheís using bungler as another word with bungalow, and it donít sound anything like it! So...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well in spite of the audience applause, in Just A Minute, you can use a word, interpret it any way you wish.

KW: Only if it sounds like it. But bungler does not sound like bungalow!

NP: For all we know, Janís parents might always refer to bungalows as bunglers. It might be just something in their family...

KW: You must be the biggest idiot in Christendom!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, JR AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughs) I have to have some qualifications for this job! You know that!

KW: Well theyíre not actually showing, are they?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM JR AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well one of them shows is when I give you very good feed lines! And you come back with remarks like that. And there are 44 seconds for you to continue on bunglers Jan starting now.

JR: The thing my parents...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that Jan.

CF: Getting out of it.

NP: Kenneth you have 42 and a half seconds on bunglers starting now.

KW: The biggest bunglers would be the ones that removed Jan from the Tower of London, because she had to know, that when the Ravens go, there is no... building left...

BUZZ

NP: Jan Ravens started, sorry, she buzzed, Iím sorry. What is your challenge?

JR: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so. I could imagine that you were feeling very hurt and er, but Iím afraid, you come on Just A Minute...

KW: Yes sheís a bit of a sulk, isnít she, when she loses. You see, youíve got to, on this game, youíve got to be a sport. Youíve got to take things as it comes you see. I always do! I always do, you see! Thatís right!

NP: Itís very difficult though Kenneth, if you are a guest, who has only played it once before, and you happen to be a woman. So we do accept...

CF: It doesnít!

NP: All right, you donít have to be a woman then! So anyway Kenneth, that wasnít, er, you, hesitation. You keep the subject, 28 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the biggest bunglers of all time was of course Blondin. You know he went over Niagara Falls in this barrel on a rope. Well now it was a bungled operation for one very good reason. They didnít have the cameras going at the time. Think of the money he could have made. And people saying ďIím off to the cinema to see this (drawing out the words) enormously daring...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Oh hesitation, darling.

NP: No Aimi!

AM: Heís eking it out!

NP: The other one wasnít, this one wasnít.

JR: He always does that though, you just have to accept it!

NP: No he, he was teetering on it, but not quite. Kenneth you have two and a half seconds on bunglers starting now.

KW: Bunglers of course get their diction mixed up. And people like...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth leapt forward in that round with a number of points, including one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís now in a strong second place behind Aimi Macdonald, ahead of Clement Freud and Jan Ravens. And Clement you begin the next round. The subject is the perfect finish to the perfect meal. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: The perfect finish to the perfect meal is Aimi. In fact quite frequently has a head waiter come up to me and said ďwould you like the sweet trolley, or Miss Macdonald?Ē I have been...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: (laughs) Oh darling, I canít let him go on, can I?

NP: Well I think everybody would like you to let him go on!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So weíre going to let him go and see what else, what other indiscretions and fan, or fantasies he will come out with. As he continues with 46 seconds on the perfect finish to the perfect meal starting now.

CF: So there one is soup, fish, meat, pudding, dessert, cheese, savoury, fruit, and the lady sitting opposite giggling away, with her strange fair hair and her hand in front of her face. Now both mitts before her eyes. Well... I would like...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald challenged.

AM: Oh that was hesitation.

NP: That was hesitation.

AM: Well er!

NP: Yes! Aimi you have the subject and you have 36, 26 seconds on the perfect end to the perfect meal starting now.

AM: The trouble is I find it very difficult to get to the end of a meal. You see, I do love audeurves, and I sort of indulge myself rather strongly in that direction. Then I will go on to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Thatís the beginning of a meal.

AM: Oh darling! Iím, Iím getting to the end of it, okay?

NP: But you said you never like to get to the end of it, youíre very slow.

AM: No, I was going to tell you what happens to me. Wait a minute...

NP: No, actually on this occasion Aimi, I was generous with you when you were looking for the, that affair and you had a long time on the balcony before you got to it. On this occasion I think youíve been too long at the beginning of the meal to get to the end of it.

AM: Oh darling, but I havenít hesitated, I havenít repeated, and I havenít deviated.

NP: I know, I know, but youíve done very well throughout. And youíre still in the lead, and itís the last round, I donít think anybody can overtake you. So Iíve got to...

JR: Sheís put down her buzzer! In a huff!

NP: Sheís done very well! The second time sheís been back this year, and sheís in the lead, sheís probably going to win. But I have to be fair, I have to make, try and make the correct decisions. Clement, 12 seconds, the perfect finish to the perfect meal starting now.

CF: Pocketing the teaspoons and dashing out without paying the bill could be the most ideal way of departing from a catering establishment...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald.

AM: I think thatís terrible! Do you really do that?

NP: It is terrible, isnít it.

AM: I mean that is awful, isnít it.

NP: Yes I agree, it couldnít be the perfect finish to the perfect meal.

AM: I mean heís either got rude thoughts in his head, or heís nicking all the cutlery!

NP: On that basis, Aimi, you have two seconds in which to finish off the round and the show this week, on the perfect finish to the perfect meal starting now.

AM: After my steak and baked potato...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I told you this was going to be the last round so let me give you the final score. Jan Ravens, who came from her previous triumphs to do extremely well, but finished in fourth place, a little way behind second equal Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And they were five points behind our guest who has come back looking lovely and to triumph as well, our winner this week Aimi Macdonald! We do hope that you have enjoyed Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightfully impossible and hilarious game. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.