JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,JBrown
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JANET BROWN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 March 1978)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Janet Brown in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four panellists to talk if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them without hesitation, without repeating themselves and without deviating from the subject on the card. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, a lovely subject to start with, a lovely subject for you. Eccentrics. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: What springs to my mind immediately is eccentricity which is particularly vocal. And I think therefore of Dr Spooner and his wonderful remark apropos the arrival of a very great explorer indeed, calling out to his wife, "come and meet him, heís walked from Lands End to John O Gaunt!" And I thought "how delightful!" Got no laugh at all! Wonderful mistake to make! On the other hand eccentricity can take the form of a certain gentleman who lay underneath a vehicle in the middle of Piccadilly Cirus for a bet...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít... Eros is in the middle of Piccadilly Circus!

NP: Enough said Clement, very good challenge. so you get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of eccentrics and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

CF: I was once invited to dinner at a club called The Eccentric, where I expected to see all sorts of strange people with balloons and practical jokes, telling puns and sticking pins into each other. And instead a vast...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: You donít tell puns...

CF: Yes...

PJ: You make puns.

CF: Yes.

NP: Oh dear! What a difficult decision! Iíll tell you what Iíll do. I think thatís such a difficult point on which to make a decision Iím going to put it to the superior wisdom of our beautifully well dressed audience here, and ask them if they would judge whether you tell puns or make puns. In other words if you agree with Peter Jonesí challenge you cheer for him. If you disagree you boo for Clement Freud and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: They agree with you Peter! You make puns and you donít tell puns. And so Peter you have six seconds left, you take over the subject, having got a point for a correct challenge, eccentrics starting now.

PJ: John...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams?

KW: I think an obvious hesitation!

PJ: Rubbish! Rubbish!

NP: Oh theyíre starting early this week, arenít they? Kenneth, rubbish as Peter Jones said, five seconds are left on eccentrics, still with you Peter, starting now.

PJ: John Mittenís Squire of Nestcliffe in Shropshire was one of the great English eccentrics...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter blows the whistle which heís been practicing for about 25 years and he does it when 60 seconds are up and whomever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones and heís in the lead at the end of the first round. Clement Freud will you begin the second round, the subject is how to cook locusts. Will you tell us if you can in Just A Minute something about that starting now.

CF: I suppose in a word the answer would be reluctantly! But if you insist on cooking locusts the best thing to do would be to put them into a marinade and marinate them for at least...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown.

JANET BROWN: Repetition.

NP: No love, he said marinade and marinate.

JB: Oh!

NP: What a pity! Itís nice to hear from you Janet...

JB: Yes! Well I am here you know, I am here.

NP: Sheís our guest, sheís only played once before...

JB: I said the wrong thing but Iím here!

NP: Well twice. She brought her mother and her sister and her brother. And bad luck Janet...

JB: Never mind!

NP: And Clement gets a point for a wrong challenge and there are 47 seconds left, how to cook locusts, starting now.

CF: There is a pernicious chemical solution into which a locust can be suspended and the skin thereof is removed after total immersion in no less than about an hour and three quarters, whereafter you could produce a chocolate locust. Enormously popular in China, Japan and Somatra where itís particularly treasured as an after cocktail snack.

JB: Bleurgh!

CF: But in...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes...

CF: Itís always difficult waiting for Kenneth Williams to get applause!

NP: Peter Jones youíve got in there, 15 to go, how to cook locusts starting now.

PJ: The best way is to cook them in the same way as Australians cook parrots...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

PJ: You cook them in boiling water...

CF: Two ways and three cooks. Three words, it really is too much.

NP: Cook is actually on the card.

CF: Yes but not three times.

PJ: I didnít say it three times! Iíve only just spoken!

NP: The best way...

CF: So way, repetition of way.

NP: There was a repetition of way, yes Clement, you have 11 seconds...

PJ: Repetition of way!

NP: Yes...

PJ: The best way to cook parrots...

NP: No the best way to cook locusts is the way they cook parrots in Australia.

PJ: Yes...

NP: Youíre quite satisfied now...

PJ: You put them in a boiling vat of water with a axehead... I want to tell them this because itís terribly useful!

NP: All right, tell us, tell us!

PJ: Very useful! You put them in boiling water with an axehead and when the latter is soft enough to get a fork into it theyíre cooked!

NP: Thank you Peter!

PJ: Very useful!

NP: Itís useful information in Just A Minute because it entertains them. But Clement Freud who had a correct challenge, 11 seconds, starting now.

CF: The deep fried locust is treasured by the people of Afghanistan. Hot oil, flour, egg yolk, prawn, batter, flour...

WHISTLE

NP: You were lucky there Clement because the flour came back just before the 60 seconds, but nobody challenged you. You got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and you are one ahead of Peter Jones at the end of the round. Janet Brown will you begin the next round. Janet welcome back again and will you try and talk for Just A Minute on doing people good starting now.

JB: Doing people good. Well, this is a subject very close to my heart. Because if it there is one thing I enjoy it is doing people, and doing it, may I just say, as well as can be expected. By that I mean that if I happen to be practicing some of the voices that I use on television or in cabaret, I may be driving along in my car and I decide to rehearse. And then I start with the voice perhaps of Cilla Black. And of course off I go with (in Cilla Black voice) hello chuck! Itís lovely to be here! And while Iím sitting in me car and while Iím turning me wheel, I look out of the window and hurray, thereís somebody I'd like to say hello to! (normal voice) And then of course, as soon as Iíve rehearsed that one, then immediately I think to myself, enough of that! And then my thoughts turn to perhaps a Hilda Baker. (in Hilda Baker voice) Well of course, as soon as I start on Hilda Baker then I say to myself the moment, the moment that I have to appear in Just A Minute please I shall say it is a moment that fills me with neuralgia! (normal voice) So this is something that I thoroughly enjoy...

WHISTLE

NP: And we thoroughly enjoyed that as well! Whether you break the words or not it doesnít matter when youíre impersonating people as well as that! Janet because you kept going without being interrupted you get a point for speaking when the whistle went and an extra point for not being interrupted. So you have two points at the end of that round. Youíre in third place, youíre ahead of Kenneth Williams...

JB: Oh how lovely!

NP: But youíre a little bit behind Peter and Clement. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject, the moon. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well the moon is a spherical planet, ah, some distance...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: I heard an er.

NP: I think there was some hesitation yes. There are 55 seconds left and you have the subject of the moon starting now.

KW: This was the theme for those beautiful lines by Walter De La Mere and I think it would all do you good to be refreshed on those points. Silently, softly, now the moon walks...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown?

JB: I thought he hesitated. Or was it just a breath?

NP: It was so quiet, I couldnít hear what he was talking about! I donít think he did Janet because...

JB: You think it was just...

KW: You just ruined one of the most beautiful excerpts!

NP: Well since nobosy could hear it except the listeners at home we donít know how beautiful it was Kenneth! So Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt and tell you you have 40 seconds to continue starting now.

KW: Those men who landed there said weíve made a giant leap for mankind and I thought that was sort of nice, you know! Very homely thing to say in such alien surroundings, when they couldnít even go to the lavatory and do the things that we expect to be able to do in the way of ordinary life. You know in the ordinary sense of the word, one is expected to do the ordinary things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of ordinary?

NP: Yes definitely, definitely yes. I am, quite right there Clement. There are 18 seconds left on the moon with you Clement starting now.

CF: The moonís a very popular subject with poets in all countries. Like a cloud le lune mon ami perot, which is translated to at the light of the moon, my friend Pete. This is sung in German where it is auf...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones?

PJ: Repetition.

NP: What of?

PJ: Well he repeated it in English after heíd said it in French!

NP: I think that for that I will revert to the little thing that I used to do in last yearís series, give you a bonus point for a very good challenge. But as it wasnít correct in the rules of the game Clement keeps the subject and thereís one second to go starting now.

CF: David Niven!

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud is still in the lead just ahead of Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. In fact itís your turn. The subject, Louis the Fifteenth. Well knowing your interest and love of history, thereís one that Ianís brought for you this week and will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Not a man I admire. Rather a dirty old toad I think he was. He really was legitimately married to Maria, the King of Polandís daughter and instead claimed an illicit relationship with Madame Pompidour, another craeture called Dubyrony, issued promissory notes which were never met, and plunged his country into that fearful Seven Years War, with, of all people, that mighty power, Great Britain. And what happened? They lost most of their continent in the East Indies and they lost Canada in the bargain!

BUZZ

KW: All to that great twerp!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of lost.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you were...

KW: Well I got my point over! Didnít I! I got my point over, donít you worry yourself!

NP: Peter Jones there are 24 seconds on Louis the Fifteenth starting now.

PJ: Well he gave his name to the rather curvy furniture that one still sees round the place sometimes, in old fashioned cinema foyers and places of that kind, theatres. Ah, he lived...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Er!

NP: Yes...

PJ: No er, no, the er was silent!

NP: I think you hesitated...

PJ: Well that wasnít the challenge!

NP: Well...

PJ: The challenge was I said er!

KW: I think the er was a hesitation. I think thatís what most people go er because of.

PJ: You were agreeing with me, werenít you Janet?

JB: I...

KW: Why donít you shut your great mouth! You great nit! What a cheek! What a cheek innit!Heís already arguing with the chairman! Which happens to be against the rules, innit!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: You never hear me argue with the chairman, do you! I respect the chairman, donít I! Havenít I always shown respect! Donít I know my place!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: I know my station! Donít bother yourself! Great Portland Street!

NP: I agree that there was a hesitation Kenneth so you have 12 seconds to take back the subject of Louis the Fifteenth starting now.

KW: And when he died they found he was suffering appallingly from infestation of lice, and the pox! Now I donít think thatís a very nice thing to have said about you! And...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams got a lot of points in that round...

KW: Yes! I did! Yes! Iím in the lead, you mean!

NP: No youíre still in fourth place!

JB: Oh dear!

NP: Youíre actually just ahead of our guest Janet Brown but after the way you behaved you donít deserve to be! Weíre back with Clement Freud. Clement the subject is the green eye of the little yellow god. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now/

CF: Itís really a pretty tatty poem by a man called Service.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It isnít, itís written by a man called Milton Hayes.

KW: Absolutely right!

NP: Yes...

CF: Used to be called Service!

KW: Actually youíre all wrong! Itís written by two men. two names are credited with the authorship of that monologue, if youíre interested, Mr Peter Jones! Mr Know-It-All Peter Jones!

NP: Er Kenneth...

PJ: I suppose he was a contemporary of yours at the time!

KW: I havenít come here to be treated like a load of rubbish!

NP: Well then shut your trap!

PJ: Youíve been here before! You know what itís like!

NP: Peter will you take over the subject, 28 seconds starting now.

PJ: And he used to do monologues called the meanderings of Monty which were humorous and sometimes political comments, very mild ones. But this new er...

BUZZ

NP: Er...

PJ: Ah dear!

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes but Iím afraid Kennethís light came on first.

JB: There you are! You see! It happened again! You see!

NP: No it was Kennethís light came on first really Janet, Iím sorry. Kenneth 17 seconds, the green eye of the little yellow god starting now.

KW: Thereís a green eyed idol in the north of Katmandu,

Thereís a little marble cross below the town,

And a broken hearted woman tends the grave of MacAroo,

While the little god forever gazes down.

BUZZ

NP: Clement yes?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed yes. he paused for dramatic effect, didnít get his round of applause. There are four seconds Clement on the subject starting now.

CF: It is important to remember the little yellow god has a small g as opposed to a capital...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went and got the extra point. And in spite of me taking the subject away at some point, he has increased his lead over Peter Jones in second place, Peterís only one ahead of Kenneth and Kennethís three ahead of Janet. Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject is my destiny. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I think my destiny is to go on doing good and helping others as I have always done up to now. And I dare say fairly soon Kenneth Williamsí luck may well run out and I shall be there, donít forget, with a bowl of hot soup, a crusty roll. And perhaps when Clement Freud has difficulties and decides finally to buy a second pair of thermal underwear...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown?

JB: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, you see your buzzer came in ahead of the others.

JB: Yes. Yes it did, Iím rather sorry about that!

NP: The subjectís my destiny, Janet, you got in with 34 seconds left starting now.

JB: Some people feel by looking at the stars theyíre able to tell their destiny. I donít believe in any of that at all. I think this sort of thing has been greatly overrated and I for one am not going to go along with it. On the other hand there are those who decide playing cards, looking at them, will tell them about their destiny. Again I donít agree. I think we should ourselves be free to feel that each day of our lives is a fresh one and that new events will unfold in their own way and that we need not turn to cards, moon, stars, or any other subject to know which way we should go in life. Therefore our destiny is completely free, and none of us need to feel that we should be tied down in any particular way by any one subject. I myself have no intention of being left alone in that state. I know as far as life is concerned, I shall go on regardless, day after day...

WHISTLE

JB: Hahaha! What happened to all the buzzers?

NP: Janet that spontaneous round of applause is because on the 60 seconds I pulled the whistle out of Ian Messiterís mouth. And his teeth as well unfortunately! Which meant you just had to continue because you didnít know what happened. You went way past the mark and everybody enjoyed it, we all clapped. We give you an extra point because youíre a guest, and youíre still in third place. But you are now equal with Peter Jones, youíre one ahead of Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud is still in the lead. Kennethís turn to begin and the subject is pictures. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Going to the pictures with Mary, a couple of one and threes for two tonight, six pennyworth of all sorts to eat with Mickey Mouse. We will be laughing more than anyone in the house! Do your stuff Garbo with Gary! )starts singing) Because Maryís going to the pictures tonight! (normal voice) That was a little number I used to put over in the old days when I was entertaining the troops. Iíve done it all over the world, India, Burma, Hong Kong, Shanghai. You name it, I was there! And I was cheered off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement...

KW: ... by those lads... What?

NP: Young Kenneth, you were challenged just before...

KW: I used to be young! Who challenged me?

NP: Youíre the youngest middle aged man Iíve ever met.

KW: Thank you! Lovely chairman isn't he?

NP: Clement Freud challenged you.

KW: Who?

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Madagascar.

NP: What is that?

CF: He said you name it!

NP: Oh I see! So you named Madagascar...

CF: It was quite funny about half an hour ago!

NP: Yes by keeping going you rather spoilt the joke...

CF: Yes!

NP: But it was an incorrect challenge so you do have to keep going and there are 27 seconds left, pictures, starting now.

KW: One of the finest pictures is on the ceiling of a very beautiful room called the Banqueting Hall decorated by Inigo Jones, the exterior. But the ceiling is by Rubens and you can go in there, you have to pay unfortunately...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of ceiling.

NP: Yes yes the ceiling...

KW: Yes well at first I was talking about the celing wax you see.

NP: Peter there are 13 seconds for you to talk about pictures starting now.

PJ: The Mona Lisa is one of the most beautiful pictures, I suppose, in the world...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: It isnít! Rubbish! I mean sitting here saying the Mona Lisa is one of the most beautiful pictures in the world...

NP: Listen Kenneth...

KW: How dare he! I donít think so! Thatís a load of rubbish!

NP: Well all right...

KW: That smileís ghastly...

NP: You might think so...

KW: A drowning drear!

NP: It doesnít matter in Just A Minute what you think. If you donít think itís a beautiful picture, Peter does...

KW: Oh is that what you want to do? Write me off! Oh thatís all right! Just kick me as you pass! Yes thatís right!

NP: I have to make decisions, Iím not kicking anyone. Peter Jones still has the subject, there are nine seconds left starting now.

PJ: As a matter of fact I myself prefer the self portraits of Rembrandt...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: There were two selfs there so he repeated himself!

NP: I myself he said, myself and a self portrait. Thatís not repetition of the words.

KW: The sound occurred twice, therefore itís repetition.

NP: Itís the words, it is the words...

PJ: The sound occurred twice when you said Hong Kong! I canít help but repeating the sound...

NP: You see, theyíll try anything in this game...

PJ: Heís so desperate to win!

KW: Well I want to get in! Iíve got to get in somewhere! Theyíve never heard of me half the time! In this show Iím sitting here like, like a churchmouse!

PJ: Some day Iím going to persuade you to come out of your shell!

NP: Yes!

CF: Churchmice donít have shells!

KW: Now then...

NP: Weíve played the game less this week than weíve ever played it before! Weíve been spent most of the time in the eggshell and everywhere else! Four and a half seconds left with you Peter Jones, pictures, starting now.

PJ: Gradually aging over the years so that the lines...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones got that valued point for speaking as the whistle went and heís now caught up with Clement Freud and theyíre both in the lead, equal of course, if theyíre together. But Kenneth Williams and Janet Brown are also equal in second place, a few points behind. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, conveyancing. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Conveyancing has also seemed to me a rather unnecessary legal process whereby if you want to purchase a house, youíre forced to go to a solicitor who charges you a great deal of money to do something which you could very well do yourself. As a result of conveyancing youíre sent an account for some one and a half, 2 percent of the price which you had intended to pay, and then get VAT at whatever percentage is valid for the particular type...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: Very boring?

PJ: He repeated percentage.

NP: Yes he did and there are 31 seconds....

CF: Why were you listening?

NP: Well itís a good thing somebody was, otherwise you might have continued for a whole minute on the subject! There are 31 seconds on conveyancing with Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Actually there is an organisation which you can belong to for a very modest annual...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Belong to... to which you can belong. Itís a deviation of good grammar.

NP: Yes but colloquially, bur colloquially...

PJ: Its bad grammar, thatís all it was.

CF: Itís a deviation of good grammar.

NP: No but colloquially people often out the preposition after the verb...

CF: Not nice people!

NP: Do you think that thereís any nice people on Just A Minute or the way we play it?

CF: No!

NP: We might be nice after the game! Clement I disagree with the challenge, 25 seconds on conveyancing, Peter, starting now.

PJ: And you can get this service done for you by paying...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of service.

NP: Yes you did service before.

PJ: Oh yes I did!

NP: And Clementís got in with another, a correct challenge and heís got 22 and a half seconds conveyancing starting now.

CF: Lawyers to whom you go tend to send out searches which are enquiries to local authorities whether district, county or even more central to determine whether...

BUZZ

NP: Janet Brown.

JB: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so...

CF: Between each word?

JB: Yes just as you were about to say the word to there was a slight hesitation in my ear.

NP: No no I donít really think....

JB: In any case I think itís getting so complicated I canít understand it at all!

PJ: Thatís the idea!

CF: Playing right into the lawyersí hands!

NP: Yes, nine seconds are left Clement starting now.

CF: Do you have a garden, a porch, a front yard, a back passage, or what is the sort of question you might be...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No... Quite legitimately Peter Jones did challenge. Your light came on before the whistle and before I give a decision, Iíve got a terrible situation because Peter Jones and Clement Freud are equal. So Peter what is your challenge?

PJ: Well I... he repeated question.

NP: I donít think he did.

PJ: You donít?

NP: No.

PJ: Oh! Well thatíd be a happy solution to your problem! Not to remember it!

NP: I will let the audience be the final judges. Do you think Clement Freud...

PJ: They canít remember! They lost track of what he was talking about ages ago!

NP: Well I will be fair and put it to the audience. Did Clement Freud repeat question, yes or no, all together now!

CRIES OF YES AND NO FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: There we are, absolutely unanimous! Clement Freud you have half a second on conveyancing starting now.

CF: Pre...

WHISTLE

NP: And there we are! And as you realised, we have come to the end of the contest, so very quickly to wind up. Kenneth Williams and Janet Brown were equal as they were when the round started in third place, a few points behind Peter Jones, but Peter finished up two points behind this weekís winner, once again, Clement Freud. We do hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute, we hope youíve enjoyed it as much at home as our audience in the studio have and until we all get together again, from all of us here, goodbye.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC