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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR and KENNETH ROBINSON, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 February 1979)
NOTE: Tim Brooke-Taylor's first appearance, Kenneth Robinson's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Kenneth Robinson and Tim Brooke-Taylor in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And alongside our two regulars we welcome two guests, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Kenneth Robinson. And as usual, I’m going to ask them to speak if they can on some subject I will give them and they’re going to try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams, and who better? Oh Kenneth, what a marvelous subject for you, why I should be knighted. Well, Sir Kenneth, would you like to start off the show and tell us something on that subject in 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Why I should be knighted is something that was continually explained to me by a dear old friend who said he was (lapses off into gibberish) BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of non-words. NP: Which non-word did he repeat? You don’t know! BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor has challenged. TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR: Thisthernonometer twice! NP: No, no, he never said that twice. I consider that a wrong challenge so you get a point for that and you keep the subject and there are 41 seconds left starting now. KW: Knighthood of course we know came to one... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: You did say of course before I’m afraid, Kenneth. KW: Where? CF: When you started. NP: Previously when you were speaking. KW: I didn’t! I did not! NP: If you like I will put it to the audience. KW: Well they know I didn’t say of course. I didn’t say of course did I? NP: If he said of course cheer for him, and if not boo for Clement, and all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS KW: Yes there you are! NP: Kenneth you continue with the subject, there are 37 seconds left, why I should be knighted, starting now. KW: If such an occasion were to arise it would be naturally with due regard for merit, expertise, penuche and the sort of style with which I am intimately connected! Indeed people have often said about me "he is a cult figure, and one who is due to receive and should get a tremendous amount of enthusiasm and applause. It should be forever ringing in his ears! The accolade is not created high enough... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams is the only one to have any points. Clement Freud would you take the second round and the subject is what I put up with. There are 60 seconds of course starting now. CF: Well the first thing that I have to put up with is a totally ungrammatical question, which should actually read "with what I put up". What I put up with for instance is Kenneth Williams... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged. KENNETH ROBINSON: Yes repetition in reverse. NP: Ah what a very subtle challenge. You are allowed to repeat the words on the card, Kenneth, so I’m sorry, I can’t give it to you and Clement continues and there are 39 seconds left starting now. CF: Who sits next to me making the most astonishing statements about why he should become a knight. I have always felt that what is needed in this country today is a dishonours list. Every year they should get people, the newly undeserving, strip from them such titles or bequests or honours... BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor. TBT: This is beginning to sound like a political party broadcast. By definition, it’s deviation. NP: And therefore it’s deviation from the subject. KW: Hear hear! Hear hear, it’s deviation! TBT: Quite right! KW: Hear hear, it’s deviation, he’s dead right, deviation, that is deviation! NP: He’s deviating from the subject of what I have to put up, what I put up with, so Tim nice to hear from you... TBT: Hello! NP: And 29 seconds are left and you have the subject of what I put up with starting now. TBT: Hammers, nails, chisels, electric drills, these are the implements what I put up with. Shelves, cupboards. Visitors who come for the night go on the divan on one of those particular creations that spring to attention and crush your kneebone, and also give you a rupture. The guest never comes again because they are whisked off... BUZZ NP: And Tim... TBT: Sorry could you just remind me what I am talking about? NP: You actually challenged yourself. TBT: Yes. NP: What was your challenge? TBT: Ah, deviation, I... NP: Deviation, you’re absolutely right! TBT: Thank you very much! NP: You were deviating, so as that’s a correct challenge, you obviously must have a point for that. TBT: Thank you very much indeed! NP: Very good challenge! He’s also having a drink of water to revive him! The thought of such quick thinking! Tim there are six seconds left, the subject is what I put up with starting now. TBT: Hundreds of fans who gather round me wherever I go asking me for my autograph, bits of my clothing... WHISTLE NP: Well Tim Brooke-Taylor was speaking then when the whistle went and , which just to remind you, tells us that 60 seconds is up, and he got the extra point as well as other points in the round, and at the end of that round, he is equal with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth Robinson will you take the next round and the subject is witchcraft. You have 60 seconds starting now. KR: Which craft shall I take up is a question that a lot of people must ask nowadays, especially with such a large variety of them, embroidery, sewing, knitting, carpentry, drawing, painting, sculpture, model making, playing instruments of all kinds, such as the saxophone, the clarinet, the drums, the piano, the violin, the cello, the double bass. And not only playing music but also the art of witchcraft itself which is something for which you cannot go to evening classes, you know. But it is practiced a great deal at night as readers of the spiritualist press will know. There was a story there the other day of a woman in Essex who said she was determined to go driving er in the moonlight... BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: Hesitation. KR: No, driving er er in the moonlight! NP: So let’s hear from Tim Brooke-Taylor again because he had a correct challenge and there are 18 seconds left, witchcraft, Tim, starting now. TBT: My mother’s warts were cured by a witch. She passed her hands over my mother and suddenly... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud challenged CF: Two mothers. NP: There were two mothers. CF: Alas! NP: Clement the subject’s witchcraft, there are 13 seconds left starting now. CF: Bubble, bubble, toilet trouble... BUZZ NP: Tim? TBT: Repetition. NP: Too much bubble, yes. TBT: Double bubble in fact. CF: You did hear what I said? NP: What? TBT: No we didn’t Clement, that was the point. NP: What did you say? CF: It’s a very beautiful howler, the child who said the witch’s um song went bubble bubble toilet trouble. NP: Are you wishing you hadn’t said it? CF: Sorry I spoke! NP: Right, so toilet trouble, I mean the witchcraft is with Tim and there are 11 seconds left Tim starting now. TBT: Nicholas Parsons is witchcraft to me. When I see him on programmes I think to myself that man is inspired. He can cast a spell over me. And I look dumbfounded at someone who can carry on in such a brilliant witty... WHISTLE NP: Tim you show, so shattered the audience with those last remarks I actually had to ask them to clap at the end because they didn’t feel they could. But you did very well including speaking as the whistle went, getting that extra point so you are now in the lead at the end of that round. And it’s... TBT: I can crawl with the best of them. NP: ... your turn to begin. Tim the subject for you to take is knickerbocker glory. So nice subject, I don’t know whether you’ve ever had any of them but try and tell us something about them in 60 seconds starting now. TBT: the time to give up eating knickerbocker glory is when you no longer have to kneel on the stool to eat it. They are provided in large tall glasses, which can only be reached by standing on one’s feet and eating this ludicrous concoction which is green, red, yellow... BUZZ TBT: I’m beginning to sound like Kenneth Williams! NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you too. TBT: Ah that’s probably why! KW: Deviation, deviation, deviation... NP: Why is it deviation? KW: The subject is knickerbocker glory, not what he sounds like! The subject is knickerbocker glory! I don’t need to remind you as chairman of your job in this programme. Keep him under control! NP: Yes certainly Kenneth, I’m very sorry Kenneth. Um do you wish me to make a decision Kenneth? He’s looking so severe! KW: I think I’ll be as slow in my answering as he is! CF: You never have yet! Why should you start coming to decisions... NP: I try to give them the cues and they sometimes take them up! Ah Kenneth yes, talking about you is deviating from a knickerbocker glory though you have been compared to some on occasions, I do know that! There are 42 seconds left for you to take over the subject starting now. KW: I am delighted to have the subject of knickerbocker glory because I remember as a child being given one of these in a milk bar. It was deliciosa as the Spanish always say. And a cherry topped whip cream. And when you dug your spoon deep down you found fruit and jam and all kinds of delicious concocsiona! As the French always have it, depending on your... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of always. NP: Yes! KW: Awfully niggling isn’t it? Very niggling! Nasty isn’t it! Not generous at all! You don’t let anyone get under way at all, do you! NP: I’d have challenged him on the concocsiona as the French would always have it. I’ve never heard the French say that in their lives! KW: Well you’ve never been there, you great nit! Knows nothing about travel at all! Went as far as Margate and fainted! NP: How did you know I’ve been as far as Margate? KW: Well it’s about all you look as you’ve been! Your knowledge! You can hardly be called worldly, can you! NP: Right so Clement Freud has a correct challenge and there are 16 seconds on knickerbocker glory starting now. CF: I’ve always been very fond... BUZZ NP: And Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: Hesitation. NP: There was indeed! In fairness, in fairness to Clement... KW: No, none of that! Go on! Give it to him! He’s right! He’s got his challenge hasn’t he! NP: He’s got the challenge but I must for the sake of the listeners and in fairness to Clement Freud point out that you were trying to kiss him at that moment, so he’s got a problem from the start... KW: There’s nothing in the game that says you can’t kiss people! What do you mean? We don’t live in a Gestapo country! NP: There are 14 seconds left, Tim Brooke-Taylor you have the subject, knickerbocker glory. TBT: It was a bribe my... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes. It’s the first time he’s been on the programme and so he’s allowed a few little slip-ups... CF: Ah I’m sorry! NP: A little bit of starting hesitation, ah um it’s still with you Tim we won’t count that and theer are 13 and a half seconds left, knickerbocker glory starting now. TBT: I would only go to school... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: First time on the programme and he started very quickly! You can’t beg for license and then withdraw it! NP: You get a point for that challenge, you didn’t get one for the last one. TBT: Thank you very much! NP: Tim has a point, there are 12 seconds left for knickerbocker glory Tim starting now. TBT: If I were given a knickerbocker glory. I agreed to this and unfortunately gave a whole new meaning to a technicolour yawn over my housemaster’s carpet. Mr and Mrs Knickerbocker had a daughter called Gloria. However later... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams we’re back with you and the subject is Herman Emberhaus, Eddinghaus. So would you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Herman Ebbinghaus has carved a niche for himself in the history of psychology and indeed psychoanalysis. Since his speciality was a delving into the higher mental states which constitute, so to speak, the memory bank of each individual. And his particular type of treatment lay in having the patient totally horizontal and completely at ease. Almost mesmeric was the technique whereby he could have a flooding out of the past which all contained at the back of the cerebral... whatever it is.... BUZZ KW: What went wrong? Have I been challenged? Was I challenged? What went wrong? Was I challenged? NP: Yes, Clement Freud rather aptly challenged you on that subject... KW: Ah what a pity! NP: Yes! CF: Hesitation! NP: Undoubtedly! Dried... KW: It wasn’t hesitation, I was really trying to think of the word actually. I wasn’t hesitating at all! I don’t look at it... NP: Your cerebral powers let you down with only one second to go. KW: That’s just like him! That’s just like him, innit! That’s just like him to come in there after I’ve done all the work! He comes in there for a cheap score, I mean it’s so cheap isn’t it! I wouldn’t stoop to that kind of thing! I don’t care who wins, I just come to play the game! I mean I don’t bother myself! But he’s just come in there at the last minute, oh... NP: It’s almost, it’s almost as bad as kissing the fellow just as he’s about to start, isn’t it? KW: I know! But it’s fun, innit! NP: There’s one second left for Clement Freud on Erbing... that’s right, Erbing! I’m very sorry! KW: He’s totally illiterate, he can’t even say it! NP: Herman Ebbinghaus, one second, starting now. CF: Herman Ebbinghaus. WHISTLE NP: Well done! Clement Freud got the point for speaking as the whistle went, he’s just ahead of Kenneth Williams, he’s three points behind Tim Brooke-Taylor, our leader, and Kenneth Robinson is in fourth place. And Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin, the subject is Raffils. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now. CF: Sir Henry Raffils is particularly well known for having founded the hotel of his name in Singapore, which some people pronounce Sin-guh-pore with a hard g but I don’t. It is one of the great luxury palaces of the east... BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor. TBT: Repetition of Singapore. CF: No, no. NP: Well it’s a debatable thing, he said Singapore... TBT: It’s not debatable at all! I’m sorry, if you’re going to play this game properly with your pronounciation, we could all take every word and pronounce it differently with different regional accents! That’s very clever! KW: Quite right! Quite right! Quite right! He’s quite right! Absolutely genuine! Very valid point Tim! TBT: Thank you! KW: I’m glad, he’s very sharp that, very sharp, very sharp! NP: I was about to say exactly that! TBT: Thank you but... NP: But if you start going off, Kenneth Williams will join in and then Clement Freud and maybe even Kenneth Robinson, you never know... TBT: You’re quite right Nicholas... NP: And chaos very often reins on this programme and it becomes very difficult. Yes I agree with your challenge Tim and you have... CF: We’re going to lose all our far eastern repeats. KW: You shut up! You shut up! Shut up! NP: I think... KW: The chairman’s in charge, isn’t he? Lovely fellow the chairman! NP: I think you helped to gain us a few by pointing out the mispronounciation on occasion Clement. Thirty-six seconds are left for, sorry, 46 seconds are left for Raffils with you Tim starting now. TBT: The only time I’ve ever won a raffle is when I’ve drawn it, and that is an embarrassing situation because quite clearly you cannot keep what you have taken out of the hat... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Robinson? KR: Yes hesitation. NP: Yes, hesitation... CF: He’s new! He’s new! He hasn’t played the game very often! NP: I know he hasn’t! KR: And I haven’t said hesitation before! NP: He hasn’t played the game very much either! Thirty-six seconds left for raffles, Kenneth Robinson, starting now. KR: The only unfortunate thing when I won a raffle is when I was in the Croydon Empire and I heard the manager calling my number. And I went up on to the stage and the man was standing there with a frying pan which he wondered what to do with because that week I’d just been sacked from the Croydon Advertiser for saying... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Two Croydons. NP: Yes your Croydon came in twice. KR: Different kinds of Croydons. NP: There are 22 seconds left, Kenneth Williams, raffles, starting now. KW: Stanford Raffils served under Lord Minto, and was there when Java was captured. And he wrote a fantastic history of that particular piece of terrain. And then of course we know he went to Singapore. Now it certainly... BUZZ KW: Who interrupted? NP: Clement Freud did. CF: Hesitation. NP: When you paused he interrupted. KW: Somebdy was talking while I was... NP: The audience were talking! Discussing your brilliance and your genius! Clement there are three seconds on raffles starting now. CF: The tickets are red, blue, pink, yellow, green... BUZZ CF: ... orange, puce... NP: Ah, Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: I don’t want him to win basically! KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! Bravo! Bravo! NP: So what is your challenge? CF: What a good challenge! TBT: Repetition. NP: Repetition of winning! TBT: He’s always winning! He’s always winning! NP: Of always getting in just before the... TBT: Yes, exactly! He’s always just getting in, the niggly bits! NP: Well actually as you’re way out in the lead and you’re winning comfortably... TBT: Very nice to me! NP: It was a very... I’ll tell you what I’ll do! I’ll give you a point for a very good challenge because it was a very original one and Clement Freud keeps the subject with a fifth of a second to go starting now. CF: Buck! WHISTLE NP: It seemed the only fair way to do it so Clement gets the point for speaking as the whistle went, Tim Brooke-Taylor is still in the lead, two ahead of Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams in third place, and Kenneth Robinson trailing a little. And Kenneth Robinson your turn to begin, the subject is how others see me. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KR: How others see me. Now, how others see me is a very good subject. I’m very glad that Mr Parsons has told us that we can repeat the title because I can say how others see me a great many times and probably keep it up for a minute but I won’t... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of very, he said it three times. NP: He did, didn’t he. CF: It’s not on the card. NP: But he hadn’t really got going... CF: No, he hadn’t. And he’s new. TBT: He’s new! CF: He hasn’t played it a lot. NP: Give him another chance... CF: But if he says very another six times we just might... NP: If he says very once more, you can challenge him. And you can only repeat the subject on the card a limited number of times, Kenneth, so you carry on with how others see me and there are 50 seconds left starting now. KR: How others see me is something I know very well, because they never hesitate to tell me. Many examples come to mind. One, a makeup girl in television who said we must keep those bags under the eyes, Mr Robinson, they are so good for the character, even if their heaviness does pull you forward onto the keyboard when you try to play the piano. Another friend, not such a friend now... BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor. TBT: Repetition, sadly he’s got so many friends. KR: No, she was a friend and then she was not a friend. NP: Another friend. There’s no friend there sitting beside you because he picked you up on the friend... TBT: Sorry! He’s new, you know! NP: And there’s 28 seconds for Tim on how others see me starting now. TBT: There is a gentleman who lives opposite me that uses binoculars. As I go into the garden, looking at the pathetic bit of grass that I call a lawn, I see the glint from these... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: I want him to win! I’d like him to have a point! NP: Tit for tat, all right. You have the point for that... CF: No, no! NP: ... and Tim you keep the subject. There are 20 seconds left Tim starting now. TBT: One of the most unpleasant things as far as an actor is concerned are reviews of an performance that he may be in. The nice ones you don’t believe and the nasty ones you do. BUZZ NP: What is your challenge? KR: Hesitation. TBT: Quite right! NP: Kenneth Robinson the subject is how others see me and there are eight seconds left Kenneth starting now. KR: The girl who writes for The Observer called Victoria Raydon who I always think of as Nadia described me as "all eyes, all ears". She didn’t say anything of the kind... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Two alls. NP: Two alls I’m afraid. Clement’s got in again with one second to go on how others see me starting now. BUZZ CF: I thought... NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: I still don’t want him to win, I’m sorry. Nothing has changed! He lets us, you know, do all... KW: Do all the slogging, yes! TBT: Do all the slogging until the last second! KW: Do all the work! TBT: I’ve heard you! I’ve heard you on the radio. When I drive home I hear Kenneth going on and on and that sly beggar over there, just at the last minute, he’s got a stopwatch there, everybody, he’s got a stopwatch, and just 59 seconds has gone and he goes... BUZZ TBT: Repetition of... KW: I quite agree! And that’s the first time anyone’s had the guts to air those views on this programme! It’s the first time that justice has been done! You’re quite right, Tim! Welcome, welcome! TBT: Thank you! NP: Well all I can think is that a lot of people listen on their car radios entirely to hear you going off just as you’ve gone off now! KW: Ah how lovely of them! How beautiful! How wonderful! NP: Tim in spite of what you said, you’re still in a very strong lead ahead of Clement Freud. You’re doing very well, you’re giving good value. That’s what the public like, they don’t mind if you don’t get in just before the end. You’re in the lead and it’s your turn to start. The subject is school days, 60 seconds starting now. TBT: Dinky Cosgrove, Michael Bates, Susan Barham-Thompson, Robert Bolton-King, John Dagger, Miss... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Well first of all, I wanted to get in at the beginning! But secondly he’s not talking about school days, he’s talking about school boys! TBT: Dinky Carlton is not a schoolboy... NP: How can you have school days without schoolboys and schoolgirls? CF: Very easily! It’s not on the card. NP: It’s not deviating from school days. CF: School days are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, if you want to repeat yourself. NP: Yes but you can’t deviate from your school days without associating with the school chums that were there with you... TBT: See what happens when you come in early! Pathetic, isn’t it! Came in late, it’s easy, but coming in early, goes to pieces! NP: Tim I disagree with the challenge so you keep the subject and there are 51 seconds on school days starting now. TBT: John Dagger, Robin... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of John. NP: Of John, yes, one of them was called John, the other. So he’s got in early this time and there are 48 seconds on school days with you Clement starting now. CF: There are reputed to be the happiest days of your life and they certainly were not of mine. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, we didn’t have a lot of school on Saturdays or Sundays, but even so they were pretty miserable. I remember having to wake up at 6.00 in the morning because the school to which I went, which was in Devon, gave you... BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: Which, which. NP: Ah yes, which which. Two whichs. TBT: The school to which you went... NP: Which was in Devon. Very well listened, wasn’t it? CF: Well, the and a were... we’re challenging on prepositions now? TBT: It’s known as whichcraft now. NP: There are 28 seconds Tim on school days starting now. TBT: Sheila... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. TBT: Hesitation. NP: Yes! I’d agree, you really didn’t get going that time. TBT: You don’t know, she’s called Sh-Sheila. Never heard of Sh-Sheila? NP: You’re trying to wriggle out of it, a very definite hesitation. TBT: Sh-Sheila! NP: No there was well over a second there before you got going. I have got to be fair and keep the thing going because we’re into the last round... TBT: I’m new, you know! I am new and I’m only doing one show this series! NP: But after your performance today, you’ll undoubtedly be asked back if we do another series! TBT: You’ve won me round! NP: There are 27 seconds on school days Clement starting now. BUZZ NP: Tim Brooke-Taylor challenged. TBT: Hesitation. NP: Yes, and it just shows that Clement Freud can be very generous when he wants to be too. In spite of the things we say... TBT: Oh if he’s going to be kind, I’m not playing! When King Rat gives away the sweets, I never liked that in a pantomime! He has to be consistent! NP: That’s right! Tim, back to the game, there are 25 seconds left, school days starting now. TBT: I was not only a schoolboy but I was a school master at the same school five years after I had left as a pupil. This was a strange experience because I found that the people who had taught me were my colleagues. Miss pink, for example, a lovely lady who had seemed extremely tall and ex... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: I’m afraid hesitation, I’m afraid so. NP: Yes... KW: I don’t like doing this mind you! Because I know he’s new! NP: He’s so good at the game I wouldn’t give him any quarter at all! We don’t usually do this to our guests Kenneth but you have got in and there are seven seconds left for school days starting now. KW: Mine were quite delightful. Because you see I got in, so to speak, with the head boy. So no-one could come up and bash me... WHISTLE NP: Well as I said a little while ago we were coming towards the end of the show and we now have no time left so we quickly wind up by giving you the final score. And our guest Kenneth Robinson playing for the first time finished up in fourth place. He was a little way behind Kenneth Williams who was in third place, and he was four points behind Clement Freud. And Clement Freud in second place was four points behind our guest who’s come for the first time and triumphed, Tim Brooke-Taylor! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. Till then from all of us here, goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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