JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 January 1970)





THEME MUSIC



ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.



NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute, the game in which verbal dexterity is only outshone by verbal ingenuity. And here we have those four verbal intellectuals to play and showy their verbal virtuosity. And I am going to ask them all once again to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. And they will gain points according to how well they do this. Let us begin the game this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you talk about false teeth for 60 seconds starting now.



DEREK NIMMO: A very embarrassing subject for me. I must confess actually that I do happen to have a couple of little ones really, which I had knocked out, the real ones, when I was at school. And I then I had a little plate made, which stuck in on two little wires on hooks really. And then one day I remember, I swallowed them! And I was sent home from school, and there were long anxious moments while relations foregathered, waiting for them to reappear. Eventually...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?



CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.



NP: Of what?



CF: Of the teeth, if they reappear!



NP: I think that is one of the very clever challenges that I can award a point for cleverness. But as itís not truly er within the context of the game, I will leave the subject with Derek Nimmo and ask him to continue for another 35 seconds on false teeth starting now.



DN: Well when they finally came back, I gave them a good scrub and popped them in again! And afterward they were absolutely splendid for a long time! I remember going into the theatre and I was in a play called Who Goes There. And one day I was on the stage and I had forgotten to put on the sticky stuff to keep them down. And all of a sudden they popped out again and into a busby that I was carrying on my knee at the time. And I spent a long time looking in the hair, trying to find them, and turning upstage. But finally they came back and I went now, I remember another time...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud you challenged again.



CF: Repetition, itís the third time the teeth have come out and gone in.



NP: Yes heís definitely not only said they went in, but heís also established they went in again. So Clement Freud I agree with your challenge. I give you a point, you take over the subject and there are 11 seconds left for false teeth starting now.



CF: Well I...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila Hancock you...



SHEILA HANCOCK: Oh dear I thought he was hesitating. But he said it! Because he always buzzes me for hesitation while I take a breath. So I thought I was going to try and get him!



NP: I think Sheila considering how sharply Clement plays the game, you were absolutely right to try and get in then...



SH: Yes!



NP: I wonít give any points for that, I will just tell Clement that he has 10 seconds left for false teeth starting now.



CF: Twenty-six of my teeth are real, leaving two unreal or false. These are the top one on my left hand side...



WHISTLE



NP: When the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular point gains a point. In this case it was Clement Freud who now at the end of that round has three points and nobody else has any. Right well Clement Freud will you begin the next round. Crossing the Channel, will you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.



CF: This is something which you can do on your own swimming, or in a canoe, a paddle boat, a ship, a steamer or even an aeroplane. The common routes are Dunkirk, Calais, Gergoyne, Shevous, Dover, Southampton, thereís er...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo, you challenged. Why?



DN: Hesitation.



NP: I agree there was a hesitation so Derek you get a point and you take over the subject, 41 seconds left, crossing the Channel starting now.



DN: Of course Iíve always really wanted to try and cross the Channel with the Dardanelles. Because I think you might get an awfully interesting hybrid if you achieved that! But apart from that I think an awfully good way to go across would be in a little rowing boat. And Iíve got one which is called Snookums which I keep down at Enzel. And I have there two paddles and I get into it. And I sometimes row out into the deep blue sea and think to myself...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: You canít row a canoe, you paddle a canoe.



KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh brilliant!



NP: Clever challenge of deviation which I agree with. So Clement you have another point and there are 19 seconds left for crossing the Channel starting now.



CF: I once went on a Channel crossing expedition with a rugby supporters club. And it was astonishing to find that this was a very cheap outing, but not a single person on the trip was actually a... aficionado of the game of...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.



DN: Hesitation.



NP: I agree, there was hesitation and Derek Nimmo continues for two seconds on crossing the channel starting now.



DN: Last time I went it was on a hovercraft. It was like traveling the M1 in a thunder storm!



WHISTLE



NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went, he gains an extra point and now he is one point behind Clement Freud at the end of the second round. Kenneth and Sheila have yet to score...



SH: Oh!



NP: But thereís plenty of time yet. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject is enthusiasm. And Iím sure you can expound most thrillingly on that for 60 seconds starting now.



KW: The word comes to us as do so many in our language of course from Greece. And originally the connotation meant to be possessed by a god. In the 18th...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Deviation, being possessed by a god!



NP: People often colloquially say they are possessed by something, a god, a devil or anything. And I think therefore heís not particularly devious because it is an expression that is frequently used. So I can only say that Kenneth has a point and he continues with the subject with 47 seconds left, enthusiasm, beginning now.



KW: In the 18th century it came to signify a lack of control emotionally. And in modern parlance we understand it to be favouring a person or a cause. People do it about me! They say "oooh weíre really enthusiastic about you...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement why have you challenged?



CF: Iíve forgotten!



NP: He was rather running down!



CF: I remember it was a good challenge at the time!



NP: With the look, the withering look that Kenneth gave you, he could ride you up!



CF: Itís so early in the programme and I have to go on sitting next to him!



NP: Well all right as Clement forgot the challenge, all that happens is that Kenneth has another point and he continues with the subject, 23 seconds left for enthusiasm starting now.



KW: I frequently find it when they rush to me and cry out "ooooh the enthusiasm that you arouse in us is unbelievable. It gives rise to such passions, uncontrollable urges we have when you appear...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila why have you challenged?



SH: Well, weíve got to stop him, havenít we? Deviation!



NP: Why?



SH: Deviation! Well all this kinky shower...



KW: Enthusiasm is the subject!



SH: I know, but all these uncontrollable urges that people have got about you...



KW: Have you ever been to a football match? Have you ever seen enthusiasm at a football match?



SH: Thatís nothing to do with people having uncontrollable urges about you!



KW: They have such uncontrollable urges, they bash people! Thatís what happens!



NP: I must say...



KW: Yes!



SH: Heís gone mad! Heís gone mad!



KW: Sheís got no idea!



SH: At last heís gone right off his head!



NP: Kenneth I must say Kenneth, Iíve never seen a challenge received with such enthusiasm by the audience! But Iíve never heard anybody speak with less enthusiasm! But as I have to disagree with Sheilaís challenge because itís not within the rules of the game, the subject is still with you. And you have a point and four seconds left for enthusiasm starting now.



KW: Form a fan club, they cry! Let us write to you weekly, have a lock of your hair...



WHISTLE



NP: As Kenneth was speaking then when the whistle went he gains another point...



KW: And has leapt into the lead!



NP: And has leapt into the lead!



KW: Yaaahhhaaaaaaaa! Thank you friends!



NP: Now Kenneth you are showing enthusiasm!



KW: Yes! Oh Iím red-hot tonight!



SH: Oh dear!



NP: I think the audience thought you were a bit tepid!



SH: Would you like one of my tranquilisers, Ken?



NP: You have leapt into the lead alongside Clement Freud.



KW: Oh!



NP: Yes! And Iíve never heard anybody speak about a subject and yet illustrate it at the same time so badly! But there we are, youíre still in the lead. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin. The subject is saving up, and we have now been saving up for Sheila and it is your turn, 60 seconds, starting now.



SH: This is something that now I am patently bad. But when I was young I was very good at it. My father was a very frugal man and I used to have so much pocket money every week, above which sum he would not allow me to go. When I was very young it was sixpence and then I think it was increased to a shilling. All of which I had to work for. And out of that money, I had to save money for Christmas presents and birthday presents. So as soon as I had saved up for Christmas, I then had to start all over again for the birthday. In fact the whole of my youth was spent saving up. Which probably explains why I am an extremely extravagant person now! If I want something and if I have the money I get it immediately. And this I think is why I will never teach my child to save up. Also I save up my emotions. If I feel angry with somebody, if I dislike somebody, if I feel spiteful like I do towards Clement Freud, I am saving up for one dirty great scene in which I will tell him exactly what I think of him, when he comes in in the last few seconds of my thing, which he is waiting with his finger on the buzzer to do now! I will save up the biggest...



WHISTLE



KW: I know what you were going to say! I know what you were going to say!



NP: That, well obviously Sheila has been saving all that up for us for a very long time. That is the first time for quite a long time that somebody has started a subject and finished with it without being interrupted. So Sheila gets a bonus point for speaking so successfully!



KW: Brilliant! Brilliant! Oh good for you girl! Sheís gorgeous!



NP: Derek Nimmo it is your turn to begin, the subject is giving a short address. Will you speak for Just A Minute on that starting now.



DN: Of course itís tremendously advantageous to be able to give a short address. I found this particularly in the first months of my marriage when I lived in a caravan in a yard behind the Metropolitan Theatre in the Edgeware Road. Now when I used to go along and see casting directors and producers and so on, they would say to me "where do you live?" And I would say I live in the car park in the Edgeware Road...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Well weíve had the car park.



NP: Weíve had the car park.



DN: No I said purposely yard actually.



SH: Yes he did.



CF: Weíve had Edgeware Road.



NP: Yes youíre quite right, he said yard...



CF: The Edgeware Road weíve had.



NP: ...Derek Nimmo has another point and he continues with 40 seconds on giving a short address starting now.



DN: Well they obviously thought I lived under a bus or something! But it soon became the most famous short address next to Buckingham Palace! And so when people had a job for a policeman or a chap carrying a spare...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: Hesitation.



NP: It was a very good try Kenneth but Derek Nimmo has another point because I disagree and there are 30 seconds left for giving a short address starting now.



DN: My lords, ladies, gents, itís very nice to be here today at the opening of your new home. What a lovely tiny home...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud has challenged.



DN: Double time, sorry I said it once!



NP: Home I quite agree. Clement you take over the subject of giving a short address, 20 seconds left starting now.



CF: When I was 19 years old, I was passionately in love...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Deviation, he was never 19 years old!



NP: Well seeing what the age he looks now, we all have to believe he once was 19! So bad luck Derek all I can say is that Clement has another point and there are 18 seconds left, giving a short address, Clement starting now.



CF: With a girl called Phillida Short. And one afternoon I took her down Oxford street, and decided that it was really time that she had a dress. We went in and looked at a number of fashions. And if...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Giving a short address, not giving a short dress.



NP: Well I think weíve esatblished before that you can interpret the words in any way you wish. We can only take it from what you hear, and if it sounds like a short address or a short...



DN: There you are, you see! Thatís what Iím saying!



NP: I think youíre right Derek! Derek Nimmo has a point and there are five seconds left, giving a short address starting now.



DN: Hello dear folks... bottom round brethren, nowís the time...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Hesitation.



NP: Yes I agree with the hesitation so Clement there are two seconds left for giving a short address starting now.



CF: My Lord Mayor, this is all Iím going to say...



WHISTLE



NP: And that was all that was necessary to get him another point and enhance his lead over Derek at the end of that round. Kenneth begins the next and the subject is policewomen. Kenneth, policewomen starting now.



KW: This subject immediately brings to my mind the picture of an actress who came on dressed as a policewoman and sang about it. And I remember she said (singing) "when I draw my truncheon, nobody gets a strike, Iím ever so ladylike, tarara!" And I used to love to hear that song. Of course like so much else things have altered. And nowadays policewomen are not comic at all. And they arouse in us emotions which I would be hardput to define. But I will say they are staunch upholders of the morality which we all believe in and want to see upheld. And let me not be gainsaid! Let no...I repeated it.



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.



KW: Two lets yes.



NP: Why did you challenge?



CF: He said Iíve repeated it.



NP: Well he hadnít actually repeated it, um...



CF: When he said I repeated it, I pressed my buzzer! It seemed a natural thing to do!



KW: Oh well if he doesnít want it, Iíll go on.



NP: Well this is a...



CF: I was sitting there with my hand on the buzzer...



NP: I must accept the first challenge, the challenge, he didnít challenge for hesitation, he challenged for repetition and he hadnít repeated himself at that point. So Kenneth Williams has another point and he continues with policewomen starting now.



KW: How delightful, they look so beautifully tailored. I think thatís a tremendous amount you know to do with it. They do look nice and when Iíve had occasion to go up and speak to them, they always give me a nice smile...



WHISTLE



NP: Kenneth, so as Kenneth was speaking once again when the whistle went, he gets another point. I must make this point clear, that the first challenge that is given must be the one I accept. And er so Kenneth now is catching up on Derek and Clement who are both still in the lead. Sheila will you begin the next round, my first boyfriend, 60 seconds starting now.



SH: Iím hard put to remember my first boyfriend. But I think it was when I was at school, grammar school...



BUZZ



NP: Derek why have you challenged?



DN: A rather injudicious challenge but a hesitation.



NP: Yes there was a hesitation, yes, but...



SH: Go on, let him have it! I want to know who his first boyfriend was!



NP: Fifty-three seconds Derek for my first boyfriend starting now.



DN: When I was five years old, my first boyfriendís name was Ronald Bell. We used to cycle together on a little tiny tricycle thing. And then we used to have a motorcar that we would sit in side by side which was pushed by my sister who was only one at the time which doesnít entirely make sense but still thatís something I can say. Now hereís...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila why have you challenged?



SH: Well it is deviation, if she was one she couldnít have pushed two hulking great boys on a tricycle! So heís lying, deviation!



NP: Well she might have been able to, we donít know, she might have been an Amazonian child!



SH: Was she?



DN: You ought to see her now!



NP: Sheila I will give you a bonus point for cleverness and leave the subject with Derek Nimmo, 31 seconds for my first boyfriend Derek starting now.



DN: He has now joined the Queens Navy. And he sails out from many harbours, a gallant chap he is! Always at the helm, heís a captain as a matter of fact, pulling up and down the flag...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Deviation.



DN: Why? Why?



NP: It sounds absolutely devious!



CF: You canít be the captain at the helm, pulling up the flag!



DN: Very small boat!



CF: Some sense of the demarcation issues of the Navy!



NP: So the demarcation issues of the Navy give Clement Freud another point and there are 21 seconds left starting now.



CF: My first boyfriend was called Nicholas Mallison, and beat me frequently. I used to come out of my dormitory, and he stood there, having taken my shoes...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Well deviation, if he was a friend and he had these sort of masochistic...



CF: You should have seen my enemies!



NP: So Derek Nimmo has another point, Derek, 11 seconds, my first boyfriend starting now.



DN: Ronnie has a wife now who lives in the rural peninsula. And when he comes home from his trips, he goes to visit her. And I visit their house...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?



KW: Deviation, heís now talking about his friendís marriage with his wife. The whole point about the subject is um my boyfriend.



CF: Yes quite right!



DN: Yes quite right! Kenneth won the point.



NP: Actually... has Kenneth won the point?



DN: Yes!



NP: My first boyfriend, all right Kenneth you have the point, there are four seconds left for my first boyfriend starting now.



KW: I met Bryn in Pontnewerth in Wales, and up the mountain...



WHISTLE



SH: Well I tell you my first boyfriend would have been a lot more interesting than any of theirs!



KW: Well you never got it out!



SH: I know!



KW: You never got it out!



SH: Because youíre all so rude to interrupt me all the time!



NP: Yes yes you shout at her sometimes too! At the end of that round all the chaps boyfriends have given them points. So that means that all the chaps are almost equal in the lead. Derek is one point ahead of the other two. Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, the subject is taking notes. Sixty seconds starting now.



DN: Itís a very odd subject to be given, taking notes. But if you mean to steal or purloin them Iím not sure that I entirely approve. But I suppose the best way to go about it is to find somewhere where there is a great deal of paper money. Now I give all my money to a very old established merchant bank. And when I go there (starts to giggle) I think what I would do is to go along and see the manager, Mr Brunswick, and I would say meet him there at 10 to 9 in the morning, and say hello Iíve come to see you about my overdraft. Heíd be so surprised...



BUZZ



NP: Clement why have you challenged?



CF: Deviation.



NP: Why?



CF: Banks donít open at 10 to 9!



DN: Iím a robber! Iím a baddy! Thatís why I get there early, to shoot!



NP: I do agree with Clement Freud, I think that banks donít open... er Derek had not established that he was a robber, he doesnít look like a robber! Heís never sounded like a robber! And I think that Clement Freud is probably right within the rules of the game and therefore there are 27 seconds for taking notes, Clement, starting now.



CF: This is something that at all board meetings is done by secretaries or people in similar positions. They do it with pencils or pens, reading what is said from pieces of paper which are then filed away. Kenneth Williams is looking at me in such a manner that itís very difficult...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Deviation, he wasnít looking at him, he was looking straight ahead!



NP: No Iím afraid you were exactly right. Kenneth Williams, I must tell the listeners, was not looking at Clement Freud! So it was deviation. So Derek has another point and there are 12 seconds left for taking notes starting now.



DN: In the decoy car waiting outside I would have Ian Messiter ready with a whistle to blow in case...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: Well deviation this is nothing to do with taking notes.



NP: Well it could be you see, if he was a robber. To my mind, heís now in my mind established that he is a robber, so he wants a decoy and heís got Ian Messiterís whistle. Therefore I agree with Derek and there are seven seconds left for Derek to continue with it starting now.



DN: So I point my revolver in his face. And then I throw petrol at him, and I say "hand over your fivers! Give me the ten pounds that youíve got hidden behind the till...



WHISTLE



NP: Derekís now got a lead of two over Kenneth and Clement. And Clement Freud you begin the next round, the pleasures of hard work. Gosh! I sympathise at this particular moment with that thought and Clement would you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.



CF: The pleasures of hard work are strictly limited. But the rewards thereof are considerable. Many people who work 40 hour weeks come home with a flush of realisation and receive an amount of affection and love from their nearest and dearest which would make up for all the grind, humiliation, salesmanship and sheer elbowgrease...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.



KW: Iím sorry, I thought there was a hesitation, there wasnít, I beg your pardon.



NP: No there was a hesitation.



CF: He just said there was no hesitation! What sort of a chairman are you?



NP: To use a phrase of yours Kenneth, you are a fool to yourself!



KW: Ah yes!



NP: Iíve been trying to play the game very fairly and youíve retracted your challenge so I must then give it to Clement Freud. So Clement has another point, there are 35 seconds left for the pleasures of hard work starting now.



CF: I knew a woman who lived on the outskirts of Yarmouth who loved in a pea planting processing factory, where every morning at 7.15 she arrived to sort out from runner beans and...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.



KW: Deviation, she couldnít have been doing peas and runner beans!



CF: Yes!



NP: She did, you established she worked in a pea factory so I...



CF: She had to sort out the runner beans to get the peas. I mean...



NP: No, you may be a great gastronome and...



KW: Yes!



CF: Thatís how I got started!



NP: ... a world authority on astrology and all these other things but I think I know the difference between a bean and a pea!



KW: Yes!



NP: And I would not expect to see beans in a pea factory! Especially if she was doing the sorting!



KW: Yes!



NP: So Kenneth has a point and the pleasures of hard work are with you Kenneth and there are 21 seconds left starting now.



KW: I am certainly qualified to speak about this. I think it has a largely therapeutic effect. And when Iím scrubbing down the walls and singing a snatch of one of my favourite refrains, many people say "ah itís not very often you have to...



WHISTLE



NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for and it means weíve come to the end of this edition of Just A Minute with a very interesting result. First of all congratulations to Sheila Ďcause sheís undoubtedly the best girl weíve ever had on the show. She wasnít given much of a chance this week but sheís absolutely super and thanks for coming along and I hope youíll come back Sheila. Congratulations, you were in fourth place just!



SH: My niceness!



NP: Clement Freud was in third place, and he was only one point behind the winners. And once again we have a draw, and once again Kenneth is joining Derek Nimmo as the winner, Kenneth and Derek! A very keen contest at the end and I think the chairman suffered most. But anyway we do hope you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, goodbye from us all. Goodbye!



THEME MUSIC



ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.