JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 September 1970)



NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 50th appearance.





THEME MUSIC



ANNOUNCER: WE present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.



NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again itís my pleasure to welcome these four delightful and beautiful players of the game who of course need no introduction to you all here in the audience and the listeners at home. Once again the rules are as before. Iím going to ask each one of them to speak in turn if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And one of the other three may challenge if they think they are guilty of doing this. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point, and if I disagree with the challenge a point will go to whoever is speaking. Thatís the way we play, and Sheila Hancock will you begin this week for us. The subject is the little people. Would you talk for a minute on that starting now.



SHEILA HANCOCK: Being five foot seven and a half inches in my bare feet, I hate little people. When I stand next to a little person...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?



DEREK NIMMO: Credulous!



NP: Itís a very nice idea Derek, but alas it has got nothing to do with the subject and therefore it is not a correct deviation. Sheila has a point and there are 53 seconds left for the little people Sheila starting now.



SH: The reason being when I stand next to one of the little people, I feel tall and gawky and nasty. I want to smash the illusion that little people are frail and donít quite know how to cope with life. In fact little people like Kenneth Williams...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged. Why?



CLEMENT FREUD: Four little people.



NP: Yes, yes, we do allow people to repeat the subject matter on the card once or twice, maybe three times but not four times. So Clement Freud you take over the subject of the little people with 41 seconds left starting now.



CF: If you were to walk into the peat bogs of County Conamara, you would invariably encounter someone with green ears or a pointed head...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.



DN: Deviation, you wouldnít invariably encounter one. Iíve never met one! Iím always in the bogs!



NP: Well donít lets get filthy! This is one of those occasions where obviously I must put it to the audience. Do you think audience that if you were to go into the peat bogs of Conamara you might invariably meet one of the little people. If you do will you cheer, and if you donít think so will you boo. And will you all do it together now.



CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE



NP: They donít think you invariably meet the little people in the bogs at Conamara. So Derek Nimmo you gain the subject and a point and 31 seconds left for the little people starting now.



DN: I once played in a pantomime at the Chiswick Empire with 17 German dwarves. It was New Yearís Eve and I invited them back to my caravan. And I gave them ordinary sized glasses of gin and tonic whereupon...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, you couldnít possibly get 16 dwarves into a caravan!



DN: Itís totally true actually!



NP: Well I should think actually...



KW: Well I knew I should challenge.



SH: What was the pantomime?



NP: What was the pantomime? Letís not deviate too much. I think it must be extremely uncomfortable especially with giving them large glasses of gin or whatever it was he gave them. But strictly speaking he hasnít deviated from the subject Kenneth, so well tried. Derek Nimmo keeps the subject, gains another point and there are 20 seconds left for the little people starting now.



DN: They became intoxicated very rapidly which surprised me. And one called Rudolph...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Deviation, why should it surprise you? It didnít call for a huge drink.



NP: I think thatís a very clever and justified challenge....



DN: Really?



NP: Clement Freud you say that Iím not fair, I think Iím being abundantly fair to you. You have another point, you have 16 seconds left for the little people starting now.



CF: Walking down Oxford Street I once encountered a raggle taggle queue of minute gentlemen. And I went up to their leader and said, "would you kindly introduce me to your wife, because Iím most interested in meeting more people like you. You are the sort of people who...



WHISTLE



NP: You were very lucky, he said people just as the whistle went. And as he was speaking as the whistle went Clement Freud gets that extra point. I wish listeners you could have seen the look on his face, he didn't know what on earth he was talking about! It was a very clever way, shows you how clever he is at the game, just keeping going and saying words which made sense but donít really have anything to do with anything in particular! Well done Clement! And Clement will you begin the next round for us, the subject is jumbo jets, can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.



CF: A jumbo jet has been described as Rhode Island taking off. And it is in fact a huge aeroplane. And what it...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.



DN: Hesitation.



NP: Hesitation, the first hesitation of this particular show. I agree, you get a point Derek and there are 51 and a half seconds left for jumbo jets Derek starting now.



DN: It was a moment, moment of tremendous set...



BUZZ



NP: You donít need to say it Clement, you get the subject back on the same challenge and apoint and there are 50 seconds left for jumbo jets starting now.



CF: Advertising this plane at the moment is a campaign saying "look big, long legs, fly jumbo", which is an awful insult to the little people. You can imagine Henri Toulouse Lautrec going to London Airport for instance and seeing this message...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?



SH: Deviation, there werenít aeroplanes when Toulouse Lautrec were alive.



NP: He did actually say you can imagine...



SH: Oh well! He might but I canít!



NP: So as he wasnít strictly deviating from the subject, bad luck Sheila. I must be fair and keep it with Clement Freud with 35 seconds left for jumbo jets starting now.



CF: What is sad about jumbo jets is that they are very large and very difficult to service. So the cabin staff who ensure...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: The fact that the aeroplane is large is not sad! Itís a fact, itís a fact of life!



DN: I quite agree!



KW: Itís deviation.



NP: Yes well I quite agree...



KW: Yes! Yes!



CF: When Clement Freud said someone was surprised and he wasnít, I let Clement Freud have it. Iím going to let you have it, because it is not sad, no!



KW: Quite right!



NP: No, I quite agree! You have a point and you have the subject Kenneth with 27 seconds for jumbo jets starting now.



KW: The title of course owed its origin to the hugeness of the animal after whom it...



BUZZ



NP: Why did you challenge?



CF: Animal.



NP: Donít be rude! Weíre not!



CF: I take it back!



NP: You take it back?



CF: Yes!



NP: Itís too late now, youíve given it away to Kenneth Williams...



CF: I want Kenneth to have this point!



NP: ...who has another point. It is a jumbo is a childís name for an animal. So Kenneth you carry on, 21 seconds left for jumbo jets start... donít be intimidated by Clement Freud even though heís sitting next to you! You persevere! Twenty-one seconds Kenneth, jumbo jets starting now.



KW: And it also shares another characteristic of that creature, because they are famous for not forgetting. And this aeroplane is famous in the same...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Repetition of famous.



NP: There was a repetition of famous, alas!



KW: Oh well, I was having a go!



NP: Well you had a fairly good go. So Derek has a point and he has eight seconds left for jumbo jets starting now.



DN: I once went to the elephant house in Regents Park Zoo. And there I got a great jumbo jet right in my face! Because I...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: Deviation, obviously if he had a jumbo jet in his face he wouldnít be here today!



NP: Well weíve only got to believe he got it and heís still here today. So you knowe, seeing is believing alas. No he hasnít deviated from the subject. So he gets another point and four seconds left for jumbo jets Derek starting now.



DN: Well I was terribly wet and I went round to a man with look after the elephants and he gave me a bath...



BUZZ



DN: ... and I said thank you very much in advance, very kind of you to say...



NP: Iím sorry! Youíve been challenged! Youíve been challenged! You had another jumbo jet in your earhole then...



CF: Hesitation.



NP: Hesitation...



DN: Hesitation! Iíve never talked so rapidly in my life!



NP: I know, you talked so rapidly that some of the people actually missed the peleurgh! Which Clement Freud picked up so I must be fair and give the subject to him with one second left on jumbo jets Clement starting now.



CF: The first...



BUZZ



WHISTLE



NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why have you challenged?



DN: Well deviation, he couldnít possibly talk about jumbo jets in one second!



NP: Well as itís neck and neck, I will give Clement the point for speaking as the whistle went and Derek a bonus point for a clever challenge. All right thatís the only fair way to do it I think. And um theyíre both equal you see, keeps the thing neck and neck at the end of that round, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us, a subject Iím sure entirely...



KW: Itís time I had something to say!



NP: Well I know youíre going to flow eruditely on this one...



KW: Yes!



NP: Bernard Shaw. Would you speak for 60 seconds on him starting now.



KW: It is not generally known this very...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud you challenged.



CF: Well itís ridiculous, you canít speak eruditely on Bernard Shaw for one minute!



NP: You listen to Kenneth Williams! Heís got another point...



KW: Thank you!



NP: There are 53 seconds left...



CF: Why isnít that a clever challenge? It was a clever challenge just now!



DN: You didnít make it before!



NP: Kenneth Williams you have 53 seconds for Bernard Shaw starting now.



KW: He wrote several novels, a half dozen actually, before he achieved any success and that was not with the same thing. It was of course with play writing. And during his period as an alderman in the vestry of St Pancreas he was up at 6.30 in the morning to write...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila Hancock you have challenged.



SH: Oh itís deviation, I donít believe he was...



KW: He was, he was an alderman of the vestry, he was! Bernard Shaw?



SH: An alderman of the vestry at St Pancras?



KW: Yes!



SH: Up at 6.30!



KW: Yes he was!



NP: I donít know what... I donít know he, Iíd like to know Sheila are you challenging on the fact that he got up at 6.30, or that he was an alderman of the vestry?



SH: Deviation, I donít think Bernard Shaw ever got up at 6.30!



NP: Iím sure he many times got up at 6.30...



KW: She donít know nothing for nothing!



BUZZ



NP: What have you challenged for Derek?



DN: Nothing for nothing, repetition!



NP: Nothing from nothing! Sheila um, Iím, Kenneth Williams has a point because he was an alderman from the vestry and there are 35 seconds left for Bernard Shaw Kenneth starting now.



KW: Began so early in the morning that even Mrs Patrick Campbell was heard to exclaim "your eyes are so far apart I think Iíll have to take a taxi!" And then she has to do that. And then of course came the great success of Pygmalion which as we all know took London audiences by surprise when that famous epithet was uttered, not something like... well, I wonít say it...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged, why?



SH: Deviation, it wasnít not something likely...



KW: No but I wasnít saying the word because itís rude!



NP: Well if you lead yourself into that impossible situation Kenneth, Iím afraid you lose a point, or at least the other way round, Sheila for challenging...



KW: Iím just trying to be polite! I was just trying to behave like a gentleman!



NP: Well we all suffer in this game. I mean Clementís smarting because I gave a jumbo jet in one second to Derek Nimmo. Heíll be upset in a minute because Iíve given something to Clement Freud...



SH: I wonít be!



NP: Youíre upset at the moment. Sheila Hancock is not upset at the moment because she has the subject and there are nine seconds left for Bernard Shaw, Sheila, starting now.



SH: One of the things this gentleman was famous for was his correspondence with various actresses. Ellen Teck...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud challenged.



CF: Hesitation.



NP: Hesitation yes. Everybody challenged at once but Clement Freudís light came on first so he gains the point and the subject, four seconds, Bernard Shaw, Clement starting now.



CF: Bernard Shaw said that if you hit yourself on the head with a book, and...



WHISTLE



CF: Can I go on?



NP: Clement Freud...



CF: It was a nice thing that he said. I just thought they ought to hear it.



NP: Yes Iím sure they must. We would all love to hear it, yes.



CF: Shaw said that if you hit yourself on the head with a book, and perceive a hollow sound it doesnít necessarily mean thereís nothing in the book!



NP: Sheila Hancock itís your turn to begin the next round. The subject is keeping the peace. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.



SH: This is something upon which I am an expert. At home I have a cupboard full of pieces of crockery. And it is a result of having kept the piece when Iíve broken something with the idea that eventually I should mend it. One day Iím going to put all these pieces together and make one huge pot of different assorted fragments. Another way of keeping the peace is between children when they are squabbling. And the thing to do is to lock one in the lavatory and one in the outhouse, and not say anything to them. And backstage before we come on, Clement Freud does a good job between Kenneth Williams and I. But we are inclined to come to blows. However I love him very much and in the end I donít hurt him because he is a nice little feller! And... I have also...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.



CF: Hesitation.



NP: The most ungallant challenge!



KW: Yes! So right!



NP: Alas as chairman I have to be fair and say it was a hesitation. So Clement Freud has a point and takes the subject with eight seconds left for keeping the peace starting now.



CF: Keeping the peace is something I used to do a great deal when I was a boy scout. I was a peewit and my best...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Deviation, peewit.



NP: Why?



KW: Well itís deviation! A peewit...



NP: Well I.... he might have been a Brownie or something... a Brownie... you know a Cub and his troop might have been the peewits. Were they?



CF: Yes!



NP: Iím afraid there seems to be a great feeling of disbelief here. If you think that Clement Freud...



CF: No, I was a peewit! I mean, you know...



DN: Actually, come to think of it, he does look rather a peewit!



NP: So now you say...



DN: I do beg your pardon, I take it...



CF: On scoutís honour, yes.



NP: On his scoutís honour, heís told us that he was a peewit once so there we are! Clement you keep the subject and another point and you have two seconds left for keeping the peace starting now.



CF: We marched onto Hampstead Heath bearing...



WHISTLE



NP: Keeping the peace and peewits, and the whistle going as he was speaking claimed Clement Freud two more points. And Clement itís your turn to begin the next round. The subject is the perfect breakfast. Will you speak about that for 60 seconds starting now.



CF: Ideally the perfect breakfast should follow the perfect dinner. On the morning after the meal, you arise...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: Hesitation.



NP: Yes I quite agree, he was getting, he was searching for his perfect breakfast. So Kenneth you have a point and the subject, 52 and a half seconds left for the perfect breakfast starting now.



KW: Taken in a thoroughly relaxed atmosphere it should begin with cereals and fresh clear full milk. And then of course the devilled kidneys. What could be more delectable than to see that plate full of these delicious fried eggs, and crisp bacon. The aroma itself, oh, it really gets me going! Iím throbbing there when I smell it, you know. And the crisp toast, of course...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged. Why?



CF: Crisp.



NP: Yes you had crisp before, we had crisp bacon, now weíve got crisp toast.



KW: Mmmmm, well!



NP: I must say it was, it was an object lesson Clem... Kenneth in how to keep going without stopping and making your words...



KW: I was trying to elongate my vowels!



NP: I know! And you achieved it too! So we...



KW: I was hanging it out a bit, I must admit!



NP: Anyway... But you couldnít have two crisps. So Clement has a point and the subject, the perfect breakfast, 17 seconds left starting now.



CF: A kipper fillet is something with which one should not be without. Ideally the herring is smoked over chips of oak, hung up in a chimney and theyíre then taken down after...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Well heís describing how to cook a kipper, or smoke or cure a kipper but not talking about a perfect breakfast.



KW: Yes thatís true! Thatís very true!



DN: Deviation.



NP: Itís very difficult because you, he did establish he was going to have this particular food for his breakfast and he went on to say how he thought itíd be most perfectly done. So he wasnít really deviating from the subject. I will put this one definitely to the audience. If you think that Clement Freud was deviating and you agree with Derekís challenge you cheer. If you disagree with his challenge will you boo. And will you all do it together now.



CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE



NP: Equal! No points scored! Clement Freud continues with the subject, four seconds to go for the perfect breakfast starting now.



CF: Haddock is also essential...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.



DN: Well deviation because they canít both be essential! Kipper and haddock in the perfect...



NP: I donít think...



DN: If it was the perfect breakfast you wouldnít have two fish courses!



NP: No!



CF: Two fish courses! The perfect breakfast!



NP: The perfect breakfast?



CF: Yes!



NP: In your opinion but not in Derek Nimmoís and I have to make the judgement and in this case I give it to Derek Nimmo, one second left Derek starting now.



DN: Grape...



BUZZ



DN: ...fruit juice and croissants!



NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.



SH: It isnít possible, deviation, to talk about the perfect breakfast in one second!



NP: Exactly! So youíve got a point! All right! We have established that, Iím going to do that as I did it before, so Sheila Hancock has a point and thereís half a second left for the perfect breakfast Sheila starting now.



SH: I like...



WHISTLE



NP: And Sheila was speaking as the whistle went. Clement Freud is still in the lead in this needle match. And Kenneth Williams is going to begin the next round and the subject is fibs I have told. You are looking very nonplussed, you obviously want time, a second to think, youíve had your second. Will you go on fibs I have told Kenneth starting now.



KW: There are so many that I would really be hardput to single out one instantly...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Well a number of reasons, hesitation.



KW: Rubbish! There wasnít hesitation! There was no hesitation there!



NP: You went as slow as itís possible to go without...



KW: Thatís not hesitation.



NP: I know but there must come a time when you cannot elongate your vowels to such an extent...



CF: And leave it hanging out!



NP: When does elongation not become a ... All right, I will do it, I will do it this way. Out of fairmess I will say if you elongate any more than that it will be hesitation next time. Please carry on with fibs I have told, not too elongated vowels starting now.



KW: A notable one was when I was being attacked by a huge burly brute in Ceylon. All right, I said, hit me, if you want to hit a man with plastic legs! And he drew back obviously surprised and he obviously too felt...



BUZZ



KW: Oh this is it!



NP: Donít hit Clement Freud! Derek Nimmo challenged you first! So Derek?



DN: Repetition.



NP: Yes repetition of obviously. Derek you take over the subject of fibs I have told and there are 34 seconds left starting now.



DN: I once told a fisherman in Norfolk that I was the Duke of Somerset. This surprised him and he took me out for a long sail in his ship. And I got off the boat and the most extraordinary thing happened. The wind...



BUZZ



NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?



KW: Deviation, heís begun with a ship and itís now become a boat.



DN: I canít repeat it!



NP:What was that?



DN: You canít repeat it really!



NP: No, you canít repeat it and after all...



CF: It could have been a vessel. For a ship...



NP: Then heíd say why has his ship become a vessel! Sometimes you know, sometimes real seagoing people do refer to their ships as boats, and Iíve heard them even talk about the Queen Elizabeth as a boat. So this is, um, shipping parlance...



CF: I thought it was a very good challenge of Kenneth.



NP: I know you did! Because youíre on his side and...



CF: No, no, no!



NP: Youíre one point, youíre equal with Derek Nimmo so itís a needle match and itís very difficult to judge especially when you try to get round me. Derek Iím with you, you gain a point and there are 19 seconds left for fibs I have told starting now.



DN: Going to a greengrocers in Halifax, I said "are those peas?" And the man said "why do you say that when you see quite obviously they are beans." I said "I want to tell you a fib". He said "why?" And I said "itís curious you should ask me this because as I was wandering along the street, round the corner, two but four from the left, I thought why canít I go...



WHISTLE



NP: As Derek was speaking then when the whistle went he gains another point and he has a lead of one at the end of that round over Clement Freud and Sheila and Kenneth are in third place together. Derek itís your turn to begin the next round and the subject is what I shall leave out of my autobiography. And I can tell you right away Iíd leave a few of those fibs out for a start! Anyway, 60 seconds starting now.



DN: I shall leave out from my autobiography any suggestion...



BUZZ



NP: Sheila Hancock, youíve challenged.



SH: Whatever, hesitation. Auto-biography.



NP: Yes Iím afraid, itís probably going to be the last round and obviously weíre all going to be tough. So I have to be tough with you here Derek. Sheila has a point, there are 55 seconds left, what I shall leave out of my autobiography Sheila starting now.



SH: I shall definitely leave out my early life because it is the part of a biography that I always skip. I find it...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?



DN: Well the subjectís her autobiography, not biography.



NP: Did she say biography?



SH: Yes I did.



DN: She said biography.



SH: Yes I did.



DN: So itís deviation.



SH: All right, he can have it because I donít want to say what Iíd...



NP: No itís still not deviating from the subject.



DN: Well itís a different subject. An autobiography is written by the person who lived the life...



NP: Yes but she might have been going on to say what I shall leave out of my biography has got nothing to do with what I shall leave out of my autobiography. We donít know, I mean itís not actually deviating from the subject. She didnít say so we werenít to know...



SH: But I was...



NP: Sheila has a point and there are 47 seconds left for what I shall leave out of my autobiography Sheila starting now.



SH: I shall also definitely leave out the fact that I played in a game called Just A Minute. Because sometimes it got very ugly. People like Derek Nimmo were incredibly cruel to me...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?



CF: Deviation.



NP: Why?



CF: There are no people like Derek Nimmo!



NP: Iím sure in this world thereís some charming, thereís some delightful people, thereís some intelligent people. They may not all have it in the same package as Derek Nimmo, but there must be some people like Derek Nimmo. So Sheila has another point and she continues with what I shall leave out of my autobiography, 39 seconds left starting now.



SH: In fact I shall be pretty hard pushed to find anything that I can put in my autobiography. I may put the incident when...



BUZZ



NP: Clement Freud you challenged.



CF: Hesitation.



NP: Yes, she did actually hesitate and I was tough before so Iíll have to be tough again Sheila Iím sorry, 17 seconds for what I shall leave out of my autobiography starting now.



CF: I shall not mention Londonderry and all the...



BUZZ



NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.



DN: Hesitation.



NP: Hesitation I agree, 12 seconds left starting now.



DN: I shall leave out of my autobiography the time I spent in a monastery in Cyprus. Because there I found out all sorts of extraordinary things about the secret mushroom. There they were...



WHISTLE



NP: Well Iím afraid that is all we have time for in this particular game of Just A Minute. As you realised it was a needle match because one minute Derek was leading Clement by a point, and then a minute or second or two later it was the reverse. Well at the final spurt, Derek got that extra point when the whistle went on that last subject and so it gives him a lead of one. So by one point over Clement Freud in second place, Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams equal in third place, our winner this week by one point, Derek Nimmo. I would say it was almost a moral draw because they were so neck and neck. Anyway we do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye.



THEME MUSIC



ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.