WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 January 1971)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome the four delightful and beautiful players of the game who of course need no introduction to you all here in the audience and the listeners at home. Once again the rules are as before. Iím going to ask each one of them to speak in turn if they can for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And one of the other three can challenge if they think they are guilty of doing this. If I agree with the challenge they will gain a point and if I disagree with the challenge a point will go to whoever is speaking. Thatís the way we play and Sheila Hancock would you begin this round for us. The subject is modern art. Would you talk for a minute on that starting now.
SHEILA HANCOCK: I consider art to be my friend. But modern art raises the question of what is considered art by a previous generation as opposed to this generation. Art that was considered modern was always spurned and mocked, and later it was acclaimed as a masterpiece so I wouldnít venture to pass anything on it now...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well deviation if she donít want to pass an opinion, why donít she shut up?
NP: Because Kenneth whether she wishes to pass an opinion or not, in this game she has to keep going for 60 seconds irrespective of... So I disagree with your challenge and Sheila therefore gains a point and there are 23 seconds Sheila for you to continue with modern art starting now.
SH: Several weeks ago I went to the Tate Gallery to see an exhibition with a very intellectual friend of mine. And I was very wary about...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of friend, sheís a friend of art.
NP: Thatís right, she did...
SH: Itís a different friend! Itís a different friend!
NP: It might have been a different friend but it was a repetition of the word friend, so...
NP: On this occasion I agree with Derek Nimmo, repetition. Derek gains a point and he takes over the subject, 15 seconds left, modern art, starting now.
DN: I think Francis Bacon is probably my favourite modern artist. I particularly like those lovely series of pictures he did about the Pope. And some of the ones which show the Carsons at Meek, retrospective...
NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged.
NP: Yes yes he was going so fast he tripped over his words a bit. So Sheila has a correct challenge, another point and there are four seconds left Sheila for you to keep going with modern art starting now.
SH: In this gallery of art...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of gallery.
NP: No she had been to the gallery, I accept that...
SH: Oh up to his old tricks!
NP: Yes heís got it down to a fine art, but itís a legitimate challenge so Clement Freud you gain a point and you take over the subject with two seconds to go, modern art, starting now.
CF: A puce lemon suspended from...
NP: And that whistle by the way tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so heís now in the lead equal with Sheila Hancock at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is combinations. I think youíve brought them in more than once in this series of Just A Minute but will you talk about them now for 60 seconds starting now.
DN: I like combinations really. Itís a very nice word that can be used in all sorts of ways really, particularly relating to other letters of the alphabet. If you jumble them all together I think itís terribly interesting. Also if you are a locksmith itís terribly important to know the right combination because if you think itís A-B-C-D-E and in fact it is L-M-N-O-P-Q youíre not going to get anywhere at all, are you. And thatís why knowing it is so important really. And then there are the woollen ones that that chairman fellow was talking about a moment ago. Well there you cover yourself all over in the one piece garment, very nice to wear particularly on chilly mornings. I remember going to see A Matthews just before he died and he was sitting in his garden wearing a combination which fastened with a safety pin here and his deer stalker hat on. He was very old, nearly 90 years. And he picked my daughter up in his arms and he said "Iím not going to see you when you grow older, my dear". And tears came into his eyes. And I think that was the most wonderful moving moment...
NP: Sheila Hancock youíve challenged. Why?
SH: Deviation, I agree with him itís a moving moment but I donít honestly see itís anything to do with his combinations.
NP: I quite agree Sheila. He has got this audience completely hoodwinked by this beautiful but sentimental story and so you have the courage to challenge and therefore I agree with the challenge, it has got nothing to do with his combinations. There is four and a half seconds for you Sheila to continue with combinations starting now.
SH: When I was little I wore either liberty bodices or combinations, but the important...
NP: On this occasion Sheila Hancock was speaking as the whistle went so she gains an extra point. In fact she was the only one to score in that round so she now has a lead of two over ever... over Clement Freud and everybody else at the end...
SH: They must be tired! They must be waiting a minute mustnít they!
NP: Yes! Yes! Theyíve been intimidated by a really good player of the game, Sheila Hancock. Clement freud it is your turn to begin, Dick Turpin. Can you talk to us about Dick Turpin, Clement, for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: It would be an absurd understatement to say that Dick Turpin was a horseman who enjoyed riding at night. He was in fact a highwayman of the most callous and vicious nature, who held up women and children. And many thought that he robbed the rich to give to the poor, this is quite untrue because thatís the sort of thing Kenneth Williams did...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Iím not going to sit here and listen to a load of libel! Itís all maligning me! Iíve done nothing of the kind! Iíve not robbed anybody, have I?
NP: No youíve never robbed the rich to give to the poor...
NP: I quite agree, Iím sure you havenít and I take your word for it...
KW: Iím very grateful.
NP: So deviation, I give you a point and there are 34 seconds left for Dick Turpin starting now.
KW: Well he rode up to these coaches you see, which was full of rich people...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: The coaches was full.
NP: A deviation...
CF: It may be a dirty show but I like clean grammar!
NP: Well I maintain that in a show like this where you have to keep going under such difficult obstacles and the stress and the strain of three people trying to challenge you, you might not always use very grammar. And therefore Iím not going to allow it and say that Kenneth has another point and there are 29 seconds left for Dick Turpin, Kenneth, starting now.
KW: And he said "money or your life" you see. Well a lot of them came out of the coach and gave...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you again.
CF: Coach, coach.
NP: Thatís right, weíve had the coach before. So Clement that was correct, a repetition and there are 24 seconds Clement for you to continue with Dick Turpin starting now.
CF: He had a horse which was black called Hunter Coomb. although many people referred to it as Black Bess...
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.
DN: Repetition of black.
NP: Yes you did say black twice so Derek gets a point...
CF: In one sense small B...
CF: And Black Bess was the name of the animal.
NP: Really? Well done! Well done!
SH: Well that applies to my Tate Gallery and my gallery then.
NP: Yes of course it does.
KW: Of course my darling! You see you could go on rambling all the time...
NP: It applies to so many things... Iím sure the audience could bring examples of such things up if we wished them.
KW: I mean we could invoke the paninomical law.
NP: So Derek has a point and there are 16 seconds left for Dick Turpin Derek starting now.
DN: Dick Turpin had a friend who was also a Dick, Shepherd. Theyíve been moulded into two most beautiful statue figures. And I have a pair of them at home which I treasure very greatly. One looks to the left, the other...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, weíre no longer discussing Dick turpin, weíre discussing statues.
NP: Yes but he did establish you know that he had two statued figures made in the likeness of Dick Turpin, is that not right?
DN: Yes absolutely right.
NP: Exactly so Iím afraid I canít allow it, so Derek has another point, there are four seconds...
KW: But now wait a minute, the subject is Dick Turpin, not statues of Dick Turpin.
NP: We are not getting into a discussion or argument about that, Derek has a point and there are four seconds left starting now.
DN: And when he rode down from York, he took a tremendous look over his head, "whatho" he went...
NP: Thatís one way, if thereís only four seconds to go, to make sure you donít get challenged in the last four seconds, isnít it! So anyway after that round Dick Turpin has taken Derek into the lead, heís now leading Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams by two and Clement is trailing by one. Sheila Hancock, itís your turn to begin, politics. There are so many of them and we get plenty of them in this show of one nature. But will you talk on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.
SH: Somebody said to the other day that I was apolitical, and I considered that that was a great compliment. I used to be very politically committed, but as time has gone on and the technical age has advanced, I have decided that politics perhaps doesnít have the answers to all our problems. We have two parties at opposite ends, one takes care of the rich and one takes of the poor...
NP: Kenneth Williams has changed.
KW: Deviation! Nothing of the kind...
NP: Well I think...
KW: I mean this is an attempt to drive a rift right down the middle of this country! I canít stand idly by while I hear this kind of awful propaganda put out by a young woman whoís... not so young incidentally! To know her own mind!
NP: Kenneth youíve said quite enough, youíve said quite enough. I mean you were going off about politics yourself, now save it for the subject because youíve got it, because I heartily agree that one party is not looking after the rich and the other the poor...
KW: Well thank you!
SH: Do you want me to give you evidence?
NP: I can, I can give you evidence of both sides who look after the rich, both on the left and the right, and both on the right and the left who sometimes look after the poor...
SH: In actual fact I did say I was apolitical because thatís what I used to believe, and I was...
NP: But you definitely established that one of our major parties looks after the poor and the other one only looks after the poor, which I would say was untrue. They both, they have a bias one with the other, but they donít entirely side with one or the other. Kenneth I agree with you, you gain a point and there are 40 seconds for politics starting now.
KW: Really well of course we have a wonderful system in this country which has been largely vouchsafed to us by the efforts of that dreadful man, Oliver Cromwell. Because the facts are he was in essence a Parliamentarian. It is a bitter tragedy...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? Yes he very cleverly changed from one word to another in mid stream, he did not exactly hesitate...
KW: No! Thatís right!
NP: He was teetering but he did not quite establish. So Iím with Kenneth, he gains another point, I disagree with the challenge and there are 18 seconds left for politics starting now.
KW: The only sadness is that he had so painfully to dispose of that wonderful man, the martyr, Charles, who on the scaffold, said to the bishop, Juxon, it was...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Deviation, itís not about politics, heís talking about regicide.
NP: No this is definitely politics...
KW: Of course itís about politics, dear boy!
NP: Itís about Charles...
KW: Itís about the development...
NP: Now Kenneth, Iím on your side so keep quiet for a second! I canít think of a more powerful political situation than Oliver Cromwell who decided...
DN: It was Charles the First on the scaffold!
NP: ... and managed to... Charles the First on the scaffold, the King of England being beheaded which was organised by Cromwell and his Parliamentarians, what more political situation, what more dynamically political situation could you have?
SH: Oh Lord! This is turning into a history lesson, isnít it!
NP: Well all right Kenneth, you have a point and you have four seconds left for politics starting now.
KW: And of course with it...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: He said and of course twice before.
NP: Well you have actually said and of course. If youíd only said it once before I would have gone on...
KW: Oh what a shame!
NP: But you have on this occasion said it twice, so Clement this time you gain a point and there are two seconds left for politics starting now.
CF: The Liberals do this and under the...
NP: Itís rather sad that there were two seconds to go, Clement could only mention the Liberals in two seconds! It is rather...
CF: I wanted to speak about them for a minute!
KW: I am sure you would have done most eloquently!
NP: Itís sad that there was only two seconds left for you to do it and people wonít hear you comment on their potency in politics.
SH: Oh listen!
NP: There we are, Kenneth Williams, you have leapt into the lead...
KW: Oh at last!
NP: Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is drakes...
NP: Drakes, thatís all that is on the card, you obviously want a moment to think about it...
DN: No, no, I thought you meant drinks!
NP: ... thatís many temptations which you always love. So Derek Nimmo, drakes, 60 seconds starting now.
DN: This is a splendid surname in this country. We are proud of the many Drakes whoíve gone out and done such wonderful things for this country. And when the drums belonging...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of country.
NP: There was a repetition of country, Iím afraid...
DN: Absolutely right! Good old Clem! I mean youíve got to give it to him, he listens doesnít he!
NP: When they think they canít bluff or persuade or bully their way out of it they become magnanimous and say well done! Of course! There was no doubt about it, Clement Freud you gain a point and there are 49 seconds for drakes starting now.
CF: The Liberal Party has a very interesting policy about drakes. They donít mind particularly about ducks and theyíre prepared to leave signets to the other two...
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged. Why?
DN: Deviation, Iíve never heard a more illiberal statement! They donít care about the ducks, they only care about the drakes! Iím a paidup member of the Liberal Party and this is not our policy!
KW: It is deviation, yes!
DN: And what is wrong with the female of the species, thatís what I want to know, what is wrong...
SH: Hear hear hear!
DN: Why donít they care! Itís the Liberal Party...
KW: Why donít you shut your row mate! You want to shut up!
NP: Right now quiet! Sheila would you like to say something?
SH: I totally agree, I totally agree, whatís wrong with the ducks?
NP: Nothingís wrong with the ducks but Clement Freud...
SH: Mind you if theyíre rich ducks, the Tory Party will look after them, if theyíre poor ducks...
KW: Back to that! Itís a disgrace!
NP: All politicians in all parties are sitting ducks on occasions...
SH: A load of rubbish, the whole lot of them!
NP: And all I can say in trying to be fair which I always try very hard to do is you can go in this particular game on any subject as long as it makes sense and is not technically deviating from the subject which is drakes. You can go in your fantasy or imagination or on fact. And Clement wasnít...
CF: Can we hold you to that?
NP: You can hold me to it...
KW: Right we will!
NP: And there are 39 seconds for Clement to continue with drakes starting now.
CF: Many Devonshire born members of the family on this famous navigaor who now play bowls in Plymouth, Devonport...
NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you challenged?
KW: He said now play bowls, Drake canít possibly play bowls now, heís dead!
NP: He did say the descendants or something, didnít he?
SH: The members... Yes.
NP: He did say the descendants.
CF: The members of the family...
KW: Men donít play bowls!
NP: People do play bowls and I can well believe there are some descended...
KW: They canít do on that green there, he said they did.
NP: He didnít say it was on that particular green. I disagree with the challenge Kenneth, Iím very sorry, he wasnít deviating from drakes...
NP: ... and there are 31 seconds left for the subject starting now.
CF: This is the name of a bakehouse in Plymouth or...
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.
DN: Repetition of name.
NP: Yes you had the name of Drakes before, name is quite correct. Derek you gain the subject and a point of course, 28 seconds left, drakes, starting now.
DN: Oh the lovely beginning of The Wind In The Willows when youíve all this lovely fern...
NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged.
CF: Repetition of lovely.
DN: Well done Clem! Very good! Doesnít he listen well! He really does!
NP: Nineteen seconds for you on drakes Clement starting now.
CF: Edward Lear spoke eloquently on this subject, when he mentioned drakes in the wind and ducks on the pond...
NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.
DN: Repetition of ducks.
NP: Yes we had ducks before...
CF: Well done!
NP: Well done!
CF: Well listened!
NP: Oh Derek Nimmo has another point and 14 seconds for drakes Derek starting now.
DN: Henry King was one of the greater living exponents...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged.
NP: Yes itís pretty borderline wasnít it. He caught his breath but I suppose it was a hesitation. I think itís only fair, I will put this to the audience because itís so, itís so difficult to judge...
CF: Oh give it to him!
NP: No Iím not going to give it to him, Iíll put it to the audience this time. If you think that was hesitation will you cheer and if you donít think it was will you boo, and will you all do it together now.
BOOS AND CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: They donít think it was hesitation!
CF: Theyíre just against me, they always boo!
KW: No they donít, theyíre nice!
NP: Derek Nimmo gains a point and he keeps the subject and there are 11 seconds for drakes Derek starting now.
DN: Another use of the term is the one used...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
NP: I agree on the hesitation that time, there is no doubt. Kenneth you gain a point and there are eight seconds for drakes starting now.
KW: Well of course one of the things they do determine on very early is the young webbed feet with...
NP: Well at the end of that round we have a very interesting situation. The three men are equal in the lead and Sheila is trailing just a little. Which is sad but Iím sure it will not be for long. Kenneth your turn to begin, knowing my onions. Can you talk to us about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well there is a song in which the lyrics says "Iíll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion, if I catch him bending tonight". And I think that probably does sum up my attitude to onions. The phrase has come largely to mean knowing what youíre about. apropos style and technique. And this can be said to be the accomplishment of something so finely done that everyone says "how beautifully executed! With what incredible penache! Iíve never seen such ťlan as this! He knows his onions! Thereís no flies on him and you can fancy where theyíve been!" Oh how wonderful it is to be able to see someone...
NP: Well Kenneth...
KW: That put me in my lead, did it?
KW: Iím in the lead!
NP: Wait a minute Kenneth weíve got to put you further in the lead because you started with the subject and finished with it. Therefore he gets an extra bonus point, doesnít he...
KW: Oh good!
NP: Yes! Clement your turn to begin, the subject, oh what a lovely one for you, how I grew my beard. It seems to have thrown you back on your heels as they say, but will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: I would like to talk to you for 60 seconds on the subject of how I grew my beard, which was accomplished by ceasing to shave. Or, put it another way, failing to use my razor. Some of you may have it that I suspended all activities with knives and scissors and those with...
NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?
SH: Deviation, all this activity with knives and scissors. And anyway Iíve never suspected...
NP: Yes Iím sure you could never use a ship... Knives and scissors to shave with! You have established in our mind Clement that you were shaving, and now youíve gone on to talk about shaving, the connection with knives and scissors, so I consider that deviation and Sheila has the subject, there are 37 seconds left for you Sheila... how I grew my beard starting now.
SH: This I consider to be a...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged. Sheila will have the point as Clement challenged just now by mistake, so 37 seconds for you Sheila, how I grew my beard starting now.
SH: Itís a case of gross discrimination against women that this subject should have been chosen! Itís very unfair that I should have to talk about it, however I can. When I was very young, I played the part of Dopey in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at school, whereupon of course I had to grow a beard. I did my best. I put Vaseline on my chin, put paraffin, everything that I read in women's magazines would grow a beard. However eventually I resorted to taking a pad of cotton wool and a...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?
DN: Deviation, sheís not grown a beard.
SH: Oh I canít! Itís not fair!
NP: If you...
KW: What about the lady in the circus?
SH: Well itís not me, I was never in a circus?
KW: Is she a cotton wooled lady?
NP: She hasnít yet told us what she did with the cotton wool.
SH: Yes you donít know what I did!
NP: No she said she took a pair of cotton wool, so Sheila has another point, there are six seconds left, how I grew my beard Sheila starting now.
SH: On the cotton wool I put the...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Repetition of cotton wool.
KW: Oh youíve done it!
SH: Now youíll never know!
NP: Thatís most ungallant, that's a rotten... Fancy a girl, what other girl would have such courage and determination to keep going on how she grew her beard...
KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Haer hear!
SH: Heís a rotten sport!
NP: So Derek youíve got the subject, how I grew my beard starting now.
DN: I went to bed for three and a half hours...
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.
SH: Deviation, going to bed and growing a beard.
SH: It suggests some sort of deviation!
NP: Doesnít it! It definitely does!
SH: He wasnít in bed long enough to grow a beard!
NP: Two seconds for you Sheila on how I grew my beard starting now.
SH: I played...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
NP: No there are one and a half seconds ...
SH: He tries to get in on my last lap, doesnít he?
NP: Well, how I grew my beard, Sheila one and a half seconds starting now.
SH: My hand on my chin...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
NP: No, one second for how I grew my beard Sheila starting now.
SH: Putting on...
SH: Oh dear! I think that shows great talent to talk for all that time on growing a beard!
NP: I think it shows great talent. I canít give you a bonus point but they almost gave it to you instead! Anyway at the end of that round Iím afraid itís also the end of the show so itís up to me now to give you the final score. And a very interesting round, it really was, almost equal with all four. But just in fourth place was Clement Freud, one point behind Derek Nimmo, who was only one point behind our joint winners, Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams!
KW: Oh thank you! Oh joyful day! You are kind! Oh yes!
NP: You might always say that it was a sort of a, that Kenneth might also have won because I think there were going a little bit overboard with those points Sheila got at the end. And the audience obviously gave her a little bit of assistance. But she is a winner that we lovely to have because she doesnít play so often, so the score is equal winners. Congratulations. And it only remains for me to say to you all now thank you very much for listening, our audience for coming to enjoy the show and from all of us here goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.