WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 January 1970)
NOTE: First show produced by Simon Brett.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more we have these four splendid exponents of the game who are going to try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And if they can do that, they will gain points. And if not the others will challenge them and try and win points themselves. This is the way we play, this is the way we score. And Clement Freud will you begin this next week, the subject is Bacchus. Can you talk for 60 seconds about Bacchus starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Bacchus was a Greek all action, loose living, wine swilling God. I suppose if one looked for a similar person today, you would think of Derek Nimmo. Debonair, long fair hair, always wore new suits...
NP: Sheila Hancock, you have challenged, why?
SHEILA HANCOCK: Deviation, Derek Nimmo hasnít got long fair hair.
NP: Iím not going to judge about Derek Nimmoís hair in public. Right away Iím going to put the very first decision to our audience. Will you please be the judges of whether Derek Nimmo has long fair hair. If you think he has, will you cheer. If you think he hasnít will you boo, and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Derek the general opinion is that you havenít got long fair hair.
DEREK NIMMO: Iím not particularly interested either way really!
NP: So whatís the decision. So Sheila you said it was devious because he has, and he hasnít so Sheila I think you have won a point...
SH: Oh dear!
NP: .. and you take over the subject with 41 seconds left starting now.
SH: When I... oh..
NP: Derek you have challenged.
NP: Yes Iím afraid there was a hesitation. So Derek you gain a point this time and you take over the subject of Bacchus with 40 seconds left starting now.
SH: Oh the relief!
DN: (In Yorkshire accent) Well I was standing outside Mersey Tongue you see and this feller came over to me and he said "would you mind backing us into the roll over there?" And I said "yes I donít mind..."
NP: Kenneth Williams you have challenged, why?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Because weíre not discussing about Bacchus any longer. Weíre discussing backing us in which is not the subject, I think.
NP: We have not established that itís the subject. I actually said Bacchus and so you can obviously interpret that as the God Bacchus or you can take it as back us if you wish. So Derek Nimmo has a point because I donít agree with Kenneth Williamís challenge. That means he continues talking about Bacchus for 34 seconds starting now.
DN: The most beautiful statue I ever saw of Bacchus was in Herculeneum. In one of the temples there, very close to the sea, thereís this wonderful statue which Iíve already said twice...
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
NP: Repetition and Derek has committed it. So Clement I agree with you, you take a point and you have 27 seconds left for Bacchus starting now.
CF: Viticulture probably owes more to this particular Greek God than any other...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Repetition of the word Greek God.
NP: Yes that is right, we had Greek God earlier on. So Derek you have another point and there are 22 seconds left for Bacchus starting now.
DN: I also like the fishing picture of Bacchus. It stands in my hall at the moment, or a replica thereof, with a beautiful green... swarm...
NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.
NP: Hesitation I agree, there are 12 seconds left for Bacchus, Clement starting now.
CF: Many people think that if this person... appeared in this... present day...
NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.
NP: Hesitation, I agree.
CF: Kenneth Williams has...
NP: I donít think weíve had so many points scored in one round before. So Kenneth youíve now got a point and there are seven seconds left for Bacchus starting now.
KW: Well heís usually pictured as a rather hairy pot-bellied old fool! Obviously stoned out of his mind...
NP: That whistle which was superbly blown by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking then gains another point. In this case it was Kenneth Williams. And so Kenneth will you begin this one for us, the subject is what sends me. Youíve had a little thought, youíve got a look of shock on your face, but could you start on that subject for 60 seconds, now.
KW: The most significant thing that ever sent me was an order paper demanding that I appear for a medical for Her Majestyís Forces. And it sent me all the way to a castle in Carlisle. And I was made to take my clothes off and go into a cubicle. And they stuck things into me, and they said it was to get a sample of blood. Because they didnít mine looked very healthy! Eventually they couldnít make up their minds and I was consigned to Harley Street if you please! Where they said "B2, quite definitely B..." oh...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: Repetition. The thing to do Kenneth is to keep on and hope they havenít noticed...
KW: I know! I know! Itís a nice sort of anecdote!
NP: Yes! Well you went, you went on for about 36 seconds. Um Clement there are 24 seconds left for what sends me starting now.
CF: At Plagenham Racecourse last Saturday afternoon at 3.15, a horse, wearing my inimitable colours of black and orange with spots on the cap jumped over the last fence, got a lead of 12 lengths over the second and romped home to win fractionally by a neck...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Well where, where is this sending him?
NP: Iíve no...
CF: Itís sending me to the winnerís enclosure, if you shut up!
KW: I donít think itís very nice to say to your partner "shut up"!
NP: Actually heís your opponent, you know!
KW: Yes! Iíve always shown him the greatest courtesy! Iíve shown him the greatest courtesy and affection, I have!
NP: He treats you...
KW: He treats me like a load of rubbish! I think itís disgusting!
NP: Anyway Kenneth I agree, he took the best part of 20 seconds to, to establish that there was someone that was going to send him. So as he hadnít got there in 20 seconds, I think itís only fair to agree with you, give you a point and the subject for six seconds, what sends me, starting now.
KW: So they got hold of me, you see...
KW: ...and shoved me in this 1500 weight truck, and they said "youíre in! B2 or otherwise mate and you can walk!" Well I was...
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. We let you go because we wanted to hear what happened actually. Derek why did you challenge?
DN: Well it was some time ago actually. But, er repetition of holding him.
KW: Holding him?
NP: Holding him?
DN: They held him before.
NP: When did they hold him before?
KW: Who did?
NP: Nobody did.
DN: These fellows...
CF: The people that stuck things into him.
NP: They werenít, they were shoving things into him before, they werenít holding him. I donít remember you being held before, were you held before Kenneth?
NP: You were only held once!
KW: Look at him! Look at him! He keeps gulping that water! I think heís a bit deranged!
NP: You were only held once, in Harley Street, werenít you?
KW: Oh did I say held there?
NP: You were held in Harley Street, were you held twice in Harley Street?
NP: Kenneth you have four seconds for what sends me starting now.
KW: So anyway trudging across this open wall, with in each hand, the naffy cans...
NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking at the end of that round, he has got not only another point but a very definite lead over all the others. Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round for us, the subject is how I feel. Oh donít look like that because you look as if you feel awful! But Sheila will you try and talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
SH: Usually I stretch out my hand, flex my fingers and touch whatever Iím feeling. If itís a person I touch them very gently. If itís a piece of material, I rub them between my hands. Also there is an emotion sort of feeling. Usually I feel pretty... awful...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.
DN: Well I challenged before she swore! Hesitation!
NP: Yes alas there was. Derek there are 44 seconds left for how I feel starting now.
DN: I feel the most absolutely frightful because I have conjunctivitis of the right eye. Fortunately I was lent some liniment or some liquid by the lady sitting next to me to pour into it a moment ago. It has in some sort of measure affected the...
NP: Clement Freud.
NP: Hesitation Clement I agree, there are 31 seconds left for how I feel starting now.
CF: I feel quite astonishingly well. I have 10 toes which have been neatly cut. My feet are well manicured or pedicured as I think the word should be...
NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?
NP: Hesitation I agree yes, a very very near thing but youíve all had one. Twenty-two seconds with you Derek, how I feel starting now.
DN: So sometimes...
NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?
NP: Hesitation. Clement there are 21 seconds left for how I feel starting now.
CF: Moving gently up my body, my chins are in good shape. My knees... feel...
NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged, why?
NP: Yes, once you started moving up Clement Freudís body he...
SH: Anybody would hesitate! Letís face it!
NP: In this case he hesiatted himself. So Sheila you have another point and there are 16 seconds left for how I feel starting now.
SH: In the mornings I usually feel pretty awful. By coffee break however I usually feel a bit better. By lunchtime Iím usually hungry. At teatime I feel peckish but I donít feel too bad...
NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.
DN: Too much feeling!
SH: Thereís never too much feeling in my life Derek.
NP: No, I donít think you could have too much feeling where Sheila was concerned. But I do agree, on this particular occasion, in this particular round we can have too much feeling. So Derek you have another point and the subject, four seconds left starting now.
DN: Absolute nausea is the emotion that comes over me at this very moment as I look across at that bearded fellow...
NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo coming in at the last burst at the end has got another couple of points and he is now in the lead. Derek will you begin the next round for us, the subject is drag. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Theyíre several meanings for the word drag. One is the apparel worn by a male transvestite. Or of course it can be when an entertainer, a comedian likes to wear clothes. That is called drag as well, you see. Now I had a dresser in the theatre who was awfully kind and helpful. And in the evenings he used to go out into the town and shows, and when he did, he was six foot five, an American, very large, he used to wear these very pretty feminine apparel. Now I remember one day a major general came to see me with his good lady and Iíd forgotten it was the night for my friend to go out on one of his little expeditions. And I said "would you care to bring me a drink?" And he said "coming Mr Nimmo, coming!" And in he came and he had a lovely long gown with a tiara and lovely hair and earrings and a beautiful fur coat and stowe and long gloves. And the soldier looked at him somewhat agape. And he said "oh sir what will you have to drink? Would you like a gin and tonic? Or would you like some whiskey?" And he said "er... I donít like..."
SH: I had to do it!
NP: Sheila has another point and there are five seconds left for drag Sheila starting now.
SH: You can talk of things being a drag. And I find that life is sometimes a drag...
SH: Aaaaahhh! Woooo!
NP: That... that...
SH: Have I actually won?
NP: That scream of ecstacy came from Sheila who was feeling something then! She was feeling excited because she thinks that was the first time sheís actually been speaking when the whistle went.
SH: It is!
NP: And youíre now in second place, Sheila alongside Clement who with er one ahead of Kenneth and just behind Derek whoís still in the lead. Putting a bold face on it. Thatís the subject and itís your turn to begin Kenneth. So can you put a bold face on it and try and speak for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.
KW: This is something that one frequently has to do. And one of the occasions where it is most noticeable is the interview which is apparently impromptu. When you suddenly have this thing shot at you out of the blue without expecting it, and it proves to be extremely embarrassing. It happened to me quite recently and this gentleman who had written a large tome on the subject of the Irish rebellion which took place in 1780 said suddenly to me "why should you..."
KW: "... you, be showing your face here in Ireland after the dreadful things your countryís done? You dreadful English people!"
KW: I said "Iím Welsh dear!" I said "itís nothing to do with me!" I said...
NP: Ah Kenneth...
KW: But it was putting a bold face, you see what I mean?
KW: I put a bold face on it! I thought Iím not going to let him get the better of me! You know! Calling me a dirty Englishman and all this filth! It was a disgrace!
NP: I know! But have you gone for a minute and a half actually! But about 40 seconds ago you were challenged.
NP: We were all enjoying it so much that we let you go, because they, they really did love it.
KW: Oh? Well I was quite worked up anyway. Yes I was.
NP: Clement Freud challenged. I hope he can remember why he challenged. Why was it Clement?
CF: Repetition of suddenlies and dreadfuls. It was a long time ago!
NP: Yes it was a long time ago, there were a lot of dreadfuls and a lot of suddenlies. Well there we are. We have to play the game and itís quite true, you did say it more than once...
KW: Yes! So he gets it, doesnít he?
NP: Yes but you had a good laugh and we loved it. So Clement Freud has another point and there are 21 seconds left for putting a bold face on it Clement starting now.
CF: When I was 11 years old, I was given a doll which had a pathetic visage. And my mother said to me "in order to make this doll seem more startingly real to the other people, it is essential to put on it a bold face". And we went down Regent Street in order to purchase some impediment to its...
NP: As Clement Freud was speaking again when the whistle went, he gains another point, and he now has a lead of one over all the others. Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round. Hereís a delightful subject, arguing with a man. And you should be able to speak about that seeing as youíve been on this programme so often. Sheila thatís the subject, 60 seconds starting now.
SH: This is a thing that I do my level best not to get into. The best thing for a woman to do when faced with a man in argumentative mood is to be very feminine, very sweet and very charming..
SH: You should say "yes dear.."
NP: Kenneth why have you challenged.
KW: Three veries!
NP: Oh yes. But all right, after this weíre not going to challenge on things like very and it and and and the...
KW: Arenít we?
KW: Oh I withdraw it then. Let her go on.
SH: No, no, no, go on.
NP: No, no, because you had one against you on suddenly as well.
KW: Oh I withdraw it. I really do.
KW: I withdraw the whole thing. Let her go on. No, go on Nick, yes. Go on then. Thereís got to be rules. Weíve got to have rules.
NP: There isnít a rule...
KW: Yes go on.
NP: The rule is she canít repeat herself and she did two or three times. So Kenneth you have a point...
SH: Fairís fair! Iím not going to argue with you Ken. Itís your point.
NP: Forty-nine seconds Kenneth for arguing with a man starting now.
KW: Well of course itís something I do frequently. I was doing it before this show began as a matter of fact. I...
NP: Sheila why have you challenged?
SH: Deviation, he was arguing with me and Iím a woman!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
KW: Oh sheís on form! Oh sheís sharp! Oh!
NP: It was her that vented, itís only fair to shove it straight back to you Sheila with another well-deserved point and 43 seconds left starting now.
SH: The odd thing is that men always fall back on saying things like "thatís just like a woman". Itís usually something to do with logic. There is this extraordinary idea engrained in men that women are not logical...
NP: Clement why have you challenged?
CF: That was two logicals.
KW: It wasnít, she said logic first and logical the second time.
CF: Stop arguing with a man!
NP: See that look on Kenneth Williamsí face now. Thatís the look he has when he was arguing with her before the show! Yes and...
CF: I buzzed before the al came out!
KW: Oh! Have you ever heard! Oh the deviation!
NP: Yes! And therefore you deserve not to win the point.
NP: Youíve been too keen.
CF: I give it back!
NP: So Sheila has another point...
KW: Yes! Heís contrite now! Heís contrite!
NP: Thatís repetition. Thirty-two seconds left Sheila, arguing with a man starting now.
SH: What it means when they say that is that a woman is usually more intelligent than a man. But they have to have these futile things to say to you, because they will never admit this fact. What I usually do is I smile and say "yes I agree with you. All the time I agree with you because you are..."
NP: You agreed too much. So Clement you have 14 seconds left for arguing with a man starting now.
CF: It is absolutely essential that the man you get is a proper sort of gentleperson who is going to shout back at you in the right tone of voice. And for this no-one is better than Kenneth Williams, to whom you can go up and say "Williams you swine, you pig..."
NP: Clement Freud has a slightly larger lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, strange customs. Can you speak on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
DN: Well of course a lot of customs are very strange. I think our own ones have become stranger recently. Now they have the red light and green light. It does make it awfully difficult to know which one to go through. I was going to through it only the other day and a fellow came up to me. I think the one who goes when you want to not to be caught...
DN: And when you want...
NP: Iím sorry who pressed their buzzer because thereís no...
SH: I did.
NP: Sheila why have you challenged?
SH: Well he is going through an awful lot.
NP: Yes he did actually go through three times!
DN: I havenít actually got through yet.
NP: Anyway the message got through to Sheila who challenged and gains a point...
SH: (laughs) I havenít got anything to say! Itís...
KW: Well you hurry up then!
NP: Forty-two seconds left Sheila starting now.
SH: Usually customs have some sort of truth, way back in antiquity. For instance men tipping their hats to women is a custom and I believe it was something to do with their wigs but I canít remember what. Also hold your collar, never swallow, never catch a fever, was something that you did when the death carts went by in olden days because if you didnít you breathed in disease and probably died. However...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
KW: Iíve not come here to listen to a load of filth! A load of filth about disease and bring out your dead! I donít want to sit here! This is supposed to be an entertaining half hour! Iíve never heard such a load of morbid filth in my life! Iím surprised at her! A mother at that!
NP: The subject is customs, itís also strange ones. Itís a very strange custom to sit down... it wouldnít be strange to listen to Kenneth Williams going off about the show. So I disagree entirely Kenneth, but we loved hearing you say it. Sheila has another point and there are 15 seconds left starting now.
SH: I did meet a very strange Customs officer at London Airport once, who had red hair...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Repetition, weíve already met him.
SH: Itís a different one, itís not yours!
DN: Withdraw the challenge.
NP: Sheila has another point, there are 11 seconds left for strange customs Sheila starting now.
SH: This one had red hair and freckles and very long arms. And he wanted me to open my suitcase although it was patently obvious that I had nothing in. However he seemed very intrigued by certain...
SH: Aaaahh! Oooh I am relieved, I didnít want to tell you how strange he was!
NP: When Sheila took over that subject she said "oooh I canít talk about this". But she managed to do it si successfully, she was challenged so many times without any success that sheís gained, I donít know, about five or six points in that round and now has the lead!
KW: Oh no! Oh itís a disgrace!
SH: Is it nearly the end?
NP: Is it near the end? No it isnít. Weíre now going to have free speech which I think is a very apt subject to have at this moment. And Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, 60 seconds starting now.
CF: Headmaster, Your Grace, I expect youíre wondering how much Iíve had to pay for these few words with which Iím about to address you. And I will answer your query immediately. Nothing! Nothing at all...
NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?
DN: Two nothings.
NP: I agree, you take over the subject with 44 seconds left, free speech, starting now.
DN: Of course itís becoming increasingly difficult in this country to exercise the right of free speech...
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams why...
KW: Deviation, itís completely untrue. The right of free speech is definitely not in any way threatened in this country at all!
NP: Well I...
CF: Quite right! Quite right! Absolutely right!
NP: Whether we entirely agree, I do agree that it is not increasingly difficult as Derek said. That is utterly untrue. But he said free speech is becoming increasingly difficult, that is untrue. So I agree with you Kenneth you take the subject, 39 seconds left, free speech starting now.
KW: This is something that has been fought for in Europe by some of the most enlightened liberal statesmen and philosophers for many years, and is an extremely valuable thing. We should none of us take it lightly. We should go down on our knees and thank those wonderful people who made it possible for us to shout! Shout the odds...
NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.
NP: Yes. You didnít make it possible for him to shout the odds, I can... so Clement, I agree with you, you have another point and there are 12 seconds left to speak, free speech starting now.
CF: It is a very marvellous thing in this country to be able to go to Hyde Park Corner on a Sunday morning, stand on a soapbox...
NP: Ah Sheila why have you challenged?
SH: Deviation it isnít actually Hyde Park corner where people stand on soapboxes.
KW: Oh thatís brilliant!
CF: One can go to Hyde Park Corner! Thereís no...
CF: The whole point about free speech is you donít have to go to Marble Arch, you can go to Hyde Park Corner!
NP: I was just about to support you in exactly the same way Clement. He actually...
KW: Oh itís exciting! Weíre coming up to the close now arenít we! Oh it gets me going!
SH: But thatís an interesting intelligent news item, isnít it, that I gave you then. Because it isnít Hyde Park Corner is it, where everybody goes. Everybody always says itís Hyde Park Corner and it isnít. Itís Marble Arch.
KW: I know! They donít know what Marble Arch is for. They donít know that itís to celebrate Nelsonís victory, you see, they donít know that. They all think itís just a great marble arch and itís made of marble. Itís all in stone.
SH: So thereís little bits of knowledge.
NP: Clement Freud said it is possible to go to Hyde Park Corner which is perfectly correct in the game. So he gets another point and he gets six...
SH: Heíd get run over if he did!
NP: Donít get run over for the next six seconds Clement and continue on free speech starting now.
CF: Towards the end of the Second World War, soldiers of both victorious armies massed together in the...
NP: Unfortunately at the end of that subject, weíve come to the end of this particular show and I feel it was a very apt subject on which to finish this Just A Minute. Because if ever there was a programme on which free speech was allowed it is this one. No four people are freer in their speech and the things that they say sometimes are quite outrageous and none of them are censored. So thereís a good example. And free speech took Clement Freud at the end of that round into a small lead. Sheila didnít get her last challenge, if she had she would have won. As it was she didnít, she came second. Third place was Derek, fourth place was Kenneth. And this weekís winner was as I said before Clement Freud! Iím sorry that that is all we have time for because we have really enjoyed as always playing Just A Minute. We do hope that youíve enjoyed listening to it, we hope that the audience have enjoyed it as well, and good-bye from us all.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.