JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 January 1971)



THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again the rules are as before. Iím going to ask each one of them to speak if they can on some subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it, they will gain points or points will be gained by their opponents. Kenneth itís your turn to begin...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Thank goodness!

NP: The subject is the snags of show business...

KW: Oh dear!

NP: I donít know, Iím sure you can tell us very amusing and entertaining snags of show business but 60 seconds will do starting now.

KW: Well one of the most obvious that comes to mind is the occasion when the actor becomes aware through some form or other of what the lines are supposed to be. And Siobhan McKenna told me of an over enthusiastic girl in the prompt corner perched on a very high stool, who instead of giving the correct line, just became awfully solicitous and said "oh youíve gone terribly wrong darling! You should never have done that with the bishop anyway!"

BUZZ

KW: And she fell forward on the stool...

NP: Clement Freud, Iím afraid, has challenged you.

KW: Well heís an idiot! Itís a lovely anecdote! Isnít it? I mean thatís really raconterurism at itís best!

NP: I know! So Clement Freud what was your challenge?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of never.

NP: Oh what?

CF: You should never have done...

NP: Yes I have to give it to you and there are 27 seconds left for the snags of show business starting now.

CF: So she fell forward off her stool into the prompt corner...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: This is simply a repetition of what Iíve just said!

NP: Well it may be and it may not be...

KW: It jolly well is and you know it!

NP: I know, Kenneth! I...

KW: (hysterically) They know it here, those people!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth, I know very well that heís trying to rile you...

KW: Yes! He took the words out of my mouth! And he donít know where theyíve been!

NP: Trying to get you going so that you will challenge exactly as you did then and he will gain points. Donít be intimidated, donít play into his hands like that...

KW: Oh! I see!

NP: He knew he would unsettle or unseat you as we usually say to you. And the result was that you played and challenged right away. And Iíve got to be accurate, Iíve got to be fair and say that he gains another point and there are 19 seconds, sorry, there are 24 seconds left, the snags of show business Clement starting now.

CF: And this precipitous decline from the seat upon which she was sitting is one of the snags of show business. There are many others like being in a radio show with Kenneth Williams who has his right hand on the buzzer and waves his finger across my face...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, I donít think itís a snag being in a show with Kenneth Williams, I think itís an honour. Itís deviation.

NP: Of course again I have to be so difficult because I have to be fair. I agree with Derekís challenge. It is not a snag to be in a show with Kenneth Williams, it is an honour. Derek you gain a point and you take the subject, eight seconds left, the snags of show business starting now.

DN: I was in a show with a very distinguished lady of the theatre who had a throat microphone down her bungles and a little transmitter in her nickers. What happened was the elastic broke...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may not know the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went so he...

KW: (laughs) Iíve just got in what he was on about!

SHEILA HANCOCK: I want to hear the end of that story!

NP: So do some of the audience. If you want to stay after weíve recorded the show audience weíll tell you the end of that story. Iím glad he didnít have time to finish it tonight. Clement your turn to begin the next round, the subject is models. You can take that in many ways but will you talk about it for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Models is the plural of model. And people following this procession... profession...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well I think he repeated profession or it was deviation because he didnít say the right word.

NP: Either way I think youíre right. Derek you take over the subject and there are 55 seconds left for models starting now.

DN: I knew a model called Mary,
Who was tall and black and hairy,
And every day she went for a walk...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged, why?

KW: Because this is disgusting! I mean you donít talk about people being tall and black and hairy! Thatís filthy! I donít want to sit here and listen to a load of filth! I thought this was a family show!

NP: It is a family show sometimes! But Iím afraid he wasnít deviating from models. I think itís a very devious sounding model I must say, tall and black and hairy...

KW: Well if she is, of course it is isnít it!

SH: It could be a monkey!

KW: She sounds naked anyway!

NP: I think to be fair...

KW: You should give the subject to me! Thank you! Yes!

NP: No I donít think heís got away from the subject of models quite. So I leave it with Derek Nimmo and there are 45 seconds left starting now.

DN: What I really love to do is to go down to the round pond on a Sunday afternoon with my lovely model boat. I put it into the water and away it sails, across that expanse of liquid until it arrives eventually at the other side. And there again I pick it up with my own fair hands, tuck it under my arm and then go to the kite man. And I have a lovely model flying thing like Iíve just toke talked to you about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: And up it goes! Flying away!

SH: Shut up!

NP: Oh shut up! Youíre flying tonight!

KW: Heís throbbing with it!

NP: Yes he is! Hesitation I agree with you Clement, so you gain a point and there are 21 seconds left, models, starting now.

CF: If you were care for a Derek Nimmo model, all you do is get an old sack and put a clerical collar around the top. For feet you use buckled gumboots and in the way of britches what could be better than ecclesiastical sackcloth...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of sack.

NP: Yes weíve had the sack that you started with and now weíve had sackcloth.

KW: Well thatís two different words.

NP: Itís a hyphenated word so it is a sack isnít it.

KW: Two different ones! Canít be...

NP: Ian you thought of the game. Is a hyphenated word...

IAN MESSITER: Sackclothís one word.

NP: Sackclothís one word. You know more than I do. Therefore itís an incorrect challenge so Clement has a point and there are two seconds to continue with models...

DN: Itís very nasty anyway isnít it!

SH: Yes!

KW: (laughs)

CF: I havenít said what you put in them...

WHISTLE

NP: It is a little nasty and itís a rather um curious fantasy if you want to have a Derek Nimmo model but as we established last week you can go on your fantasy or your imagination this subject, er this game, anyway you wish. Sheila Hancock itís your turn to begin, the worst thing I ever did in my kitchen. Can you tell us about that in 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Itís difficult for me to talk about this without getting somebody into trouble. Because the worst thing I ever did in my kitchen involved a milkman. One day he came to my door looking very attractive and sweet in his blue and white coat...

KW: No!

SH: I said "wonít you come in and have a cup of coffee?" which he very willingly did. And as I was handing him the coffee he dropped his milk bottles...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Coffee.

NP: Oh weíve had more than one...

SH: Oh yes! Now youíll never know what I did with the milkman!

NP: Perhaps, perhaps Clement Freud has saved you some embarrassment. Heís even saved the milkman hasnít he. Clement you gain a point and there are 36 seconds left, the worst thing I did in my kitchen starting now.

CF: I put half a pound of toadstools on to the gas cooker, lit the flame beneath it and added as requested in the book 14 ounces of margarine...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because no book would give you such a recipe about toadstools!

SH: Right! Unless itís black magic!

NP: Itís a clever challenge, they wouldnít actually give a recipe where it used toadstools, would they?

KW: No of course they wouldnít.

NP: So Kenneth you gain a point, and your first one, Iím delighted to say. And there are 24 seconds left, the worst thing I ever did in my kitchen starting now.

KW: Well I made these lovely cheese straws...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Deviation, Iíve been in Kennethís kitchen and Iím absolutely sure heís never made a cheese straw in his life!

KW: Not only is it true, but my motherís here to prove it!

SH: Has he? Has he, Mrs Williams? Oh I donít...

NP: Mrs Williams has saved me the trouble of having to decide, sheís nodded to us. Kenneth you have a point and there are 19 seconds left for the worst thing I ever did in my kitchen starting now.

KW: Taking them out of the oven I noticed the colour was green. Ho ho...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you first.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of ho.

CF: Mmm.

KW: Well it doesnít matter!

NP: No, no...

KW: Anyway you see, it turned out it wasnít flour in the bin at all, it was my fatherís stomach powder! Thatís why they...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Heís going to ruin all my stories! He ruins everything!

NP: No you had him on a clever challenge of toadstools, heís got you on ho ho...

KW: Thatís true! That is in effect, in effect...

NP: I try to be fair!

KW: ...justice has taken itís course!

NP: I try to be fair! I try to keep a balance!

KW: Yes! Thatís true! That is true!

NP: And itís very difficult sometimes. So Clement you have now 14 seconds to continue with the worst thing that I ever did in my kitchen starting now.

CF: Once on a wet September night in the Boltons, I did do the most frightful thing in my kitchen. I forgot to purchase Champeignon da Paris which are edible mushrooms as opposed to the sort of...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he gains that extra point.

SH: Nick may I just say on behalf of the milkman that in fact all he did was drop his bottles.

NP: Sheila! My! My, my mind boggles if...

CF: Is that on behalf of or against the milkman?

NP: My mind boggles as to what you did to make him drop his bottles.

SH: I just handed him his coffee and he dropped them. His bottles!

NP: But normally if a person...

SH: Oh donít pursue it Nick!

NP: Iím fascinated! Coz if you hand a person his cup of coffee and theyíve got bottles in their hand, if theyíre composed they put the bottles on one side. But he looked at Sheila and he dropped his bottles. Well there we are! Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is diving bells. That is what has been thought up for you and you have 60 seconds to talk about it starting now.

DN: I was once in a musical comedy called The Belle of New York which is a jolly show which was first put on in 1884. And there, there was a lovely song called Down At Naroganzit Girls Have Got A Fizzer. And we used to get down on to the stage and stand there with these lovely girls in very long swimming things. And they were diving belles. But of course in the Mediterranean and even in the Atlantic you can find gentlemen who put themselves into these great big containers and down they go, right into the water! Goodness knows what they do it for, I donít know. But when they get there, they look through the window sometimes and they see little fish going by or perhaps the off octoparty or maybe a wreck. That would be exciting wouldnít it. Wouldnít it? That would make it very worthwhile going down inside a diving bell because there you see through the window...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SH: No, no, Iím sorry. I was so swept up in his story, I pressed it by mistake!

DN: Thatís good! Another point! Another point! Iím still going!

NP: Yeah keep going then, all right, 60 seconds left, I mean... sorry!

DN: It canít be 60 seconds still!

NP: No! No, no, was that a mistake, your challenge?

SH: Yes it was honestly.

NP: Well thatís bad luck on Derek, he doesnít get any points and er...

SH: Oh no, no! Why?

NP: Well are you going to give him a point for an incorrect challenge? I suppose he deserves one because you stopped him.

SH: Yes, yes.

NP: All right Derek has a point...

DN: I was in the middle of my flow!

NP: ...because there are 14 seconds now Derek, Iím going from Sheilaís challenge, 14 seconds left starting now.

DN: I had a dear friend called Beryl OíShaughnessy. And she was wont to climb on the top of the diving board and jump down. And she could go into the water and later I asked...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of water.

DN: Absolutely right! My goodness! Jolly good!

NP: Three seconds for you with diving bells Clement starting now.

CF: Stand on a diving board and project yourself...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud has a commanding lead at the end of that round. Commanding over Derek who has a commanding lead over Sheila and Kenneth who are trailing somewhat. Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject, another historical one for you, Napoleon. What do you know about the Little Corsican? Sixty seconds to tell us starting now.

KW: Well one of his very great generals, a brilliant engineer, and I would say, a very clever strategist too, was Count Benedot. And after the disaster at Leibsig he was approached by a foreign power, the Swedes, and asked to become the King. And he went, it must be said, to Napoleon and said "how do you feel about this? I donít want to look as though Iím doing a bunk, but it is a rather good offer. I mean thrones arenít thrown at you every day of the week." And apparently Napoleon said "itís okay". And he went and did found the dynasty which we know today as the Swedish Royal Family. And of course it was once of those descendants who was killed...

WHISTLE

NP: Very interesting! Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, did you enjoy your little history lesson?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Wasnít that fascinating! Yes! And we none of us thought youíd take Napoleon off in that particular direction, I must say. I thought it was a bit devious when Napoleon said "okay". I donít think it had been invented then but still...

KW: Well he let him go because he was being offered a kingdom.

NP: Anyway Kenneth you have leapt forward but...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ...youíre still in the same position Iím afraid.

KW: Oh rotten!

NP: Clement is still leading but ah you get an extra bonus point because you started with the subject and finished with it and you were not interrupted. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is home movies. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My children think that home movies are large vans which er dispatch peopleís prosessions...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams youíve challenged.

KW: Itís all over the place, isnít it!

NP: Yes it was, I agree with your challenge. And there are 54 seconds left for home movies starting now.

KW: The best way to do this is to set up a camera with a time mechanism on it and then you take all your clothes off, and invite your friends to take theirs off as well and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Take off.

NP: Yes Iím afraid too many people were taking off clothes.

KW: Well itís nice!

NP: They took them off and they took them off. So Derek I agree with the challenge and you take the subject over, home movies, starting now.

DN: One of the snags of show business are home movies...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation because heís mentioned another subject.

NP: One of the snags...

KW: One of the snags of show business was a subject in this show.

NP: Yes I know but he, he probably was going to...

KW: No you canít...

NP: No I am not! You cannot! He has got to be allowed to establish the connection. He just used one sentence, one of the snags of show business, home movies. You canít challenge at that point, we donít know whether itís deviation yet. So I must disagree with the challenge Kenneth, alas. And say Derek keeps the subject and there are 42 seconds for home movies starting now.

DN: Iíve an awfully jolly 16 millimetre camera which I go out with and I take snaps of children going through the park...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because you donít take snaps with a movie camera!

NP: Thatís perfectly correct! Thatís perfectly correct and the audience obviously agree. So Kenneth I agree with your challenge, 36 seconds left, home movies starting now.

KW: Preferably you should make them blue. And then you can sell them at a vast profit to everyone who says "ooohhh..."

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Oh I think itís deviation, donít you? Selling blue movies?

NP: Well I donít think home movies.. oh I suppose you show them in the home. Itís another interpretation. Itís not the way one thinks of it but alas heís not...

KW: Itís the way I think of it, mate! Donít worry!

NP: Heís not technically deviating from the subject on the card. So if Kenneth asks you round, any of you to a showing of his home movies, be prepared and be warned. So Kenneth you gain another point and there are 29 seconds for home movies starting now.

KW: One thing you must be aware of and that is the flesh blinding the lens. Any cameraman will tell you that that can cause flare. And therefore always powder down any naked flesh before...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of flesh.

NP: Yes, 14 seconds Derek, home movies starting now.

DN: Snap shooting is a wonderfully good thing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, he again tried to justify his snapshots on the home movies. I agree with your challenge Kenneth and you have 10 seconds for home movies starting now.

KW: Well obviously Derek Nimmo is a great master at this kind of thing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Iíd just like to endorse his remarks!

NP: And do you know, I thought he was going to be modest and say Iím not a great master!

SH: You must be mad Nick!

NP: No, no, no, he took the opportunity and he told us that he is a master. So he gives Kenneth a point...

DN: Thatís why I take snaps!

NP: ... and there are four seconds left for home movies starting now.

KW: And he always says "oh to shoot you! Thatís what I really want to do..."

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth with a lot of speaking and a lot of challenges, he gained a lot of points and heís leapt forward.

KW: Oooh!

NP: And Sheila Hancock itís your turn to begin. Sheila the subject is pleasantries.

SH: Oh!

NP: Yes you might well say that in this show! But can you give us an example or talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is something which you get very little of when you appear in Just A Minute. They are little phrases that make life easier. Things that you say to each other when you meet in the street. Like how do you do? What a lovely day. Isnít the world bright. Little jolly phrases...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition.

SH: Oh did I?

NP: Yes but it was so little Iím not going to charge you, no...

SH: Oh no, you must!

NP: No itís not fair.

SH: Go on, let him have it! I canít think of anything else to say anyway.

NP: Let her have a go, come on! There are 42 seconds for you Sheila having gained a point, pleasantries starting now.

SH: Derek Nimmo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís got in anyway.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

SH: Go on!

NP: All right then Derek I canít deny it this time. Forty-one seconds for pleasantries starting now.

DN: Oh my dear old fruit, whatho, how lovely to see you! My goodness, isnít this the most charming way to meet on a sunlit morning. Goodness, youíre looking well today. Howís your grandmother? Is she in splendid form as well? These are things which you exchange rather like traders going...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, itís already being established that you exchange them. Sheila made that point, in the street.

NP: I know, yes, but why are you challenging then?

KW: Well why make it again? Itís repetition.

NP: No, no itís not repetition. Itís either the repeating of word or a phrase. And Sheila said it before, not Derek. So Iím afraid itís incorrect, Derek gains another point and there are 17 seconds for pleasantries Derek starting now.

DN: (Scottish accent) How are you there love, you look absolutely gorgeous today...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Because I canít understand a word heís saying!

NP: Itís a very good word, I couldnít understand either, so how do I judge? Could you understand, audience?

SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek say it again will you!

DN: (Scottish accent) I said how are you there love...

NP: Now youíre going to be had for repetition by Clement Freud! I... You couldnít understand, Kenneth I quite agree with you...

KW: I know! He does these funny voices every week!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Actually I quite agree! For someone like you to hear someone else do funny voices is very embarrassing.

KW: Itís annoying!

NP: Itís annoying yes and itís competition as well. So there we are Kenneth, he wasnít technically deviating from the subject of pleasantries. But we couldnít understand him. Iím going to charge no points, leave the subject with Derek and say there are 15 seconds to continue starting now.

DN: I once knew a gentleman from China who came to this country and went to a part of the country where we have...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of?

CF: Country.

NP: Country, Clement you gain a point and there are eight seconds for pleasantries starting now.

CF: The Duke of Wellington once came back from a shoot and said to his man "I have.."

BUZZ

NP: Derek got in first that time.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, he couldnít quite remember what he said. Derek there are three and a half seconds for pleasantries starting now.

DN: The Marquis of Uxbridge standing next to the Duke of Wellington at that particular time said...

WHISTLE

NP: An interesting situation at the end of that round. Gaining the extra point for speaking as the whistle went, Derek Nimmo now has a lead of one over Clement Freud. Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is swallows. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Thereís one rather lovely saying that one swallow doesnít make a summer. I think itís awfully true, donít you. (starts shouting) But it does make an evening if youíre out with a beer! My goodness, you have a great tankard in front of you, you pick it up and you swallow away! And lovely it is, you get all the froth over the top, pouring down the table. And yet inside you is going down this fermented malt. And brewing up inside your belly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of inside you.

NP: Inside you yes. But the idea of the beer brewing up inside you too! Well anyway Clement I agree with your challenge and so you gain a point and there are 38 seconds left for swallows starting now.

CF: The most popular formation in which these birds fly is known as the eagle. And swallows all over the world tend to group together with one in front, two behind, three thereafter, fanning out until a great...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: A great hesitation!

NP: Well done Derek, there are 19 seconds for you to continue with swallows starting now.

DN: When I was very small, like four years old, I used to confuse swallows with house martins. But now I know better because their tails are quite different if you think about it. The swallows have long thin tapering ones, whilst the other birds are rather squat and they build rather pretty nests...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

DN: ...in a rather nice way as I was saying...

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes, of what?

CF: Rather.

NP: Yes. I just like the listeners to hear so that they all know that youíve got a correct challenge. Clement I agree with your challenge and you take a point and the subject, three seconds left starting now.

CF: When 29 Chinese gentlemen sit in one restaurant...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for and as you probably realised Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo were very close before that round begin, began. So it was neck and neck and they were battling it so keenly that the other two didnít get much of a look-in in the last round. But the final score was Sheila was in fourth place, a little way behind Kenneth Williams who was in a very good third place. But they were both behind Derek Nimmo who was only one point behind this weekís winner Clement Freud. That is Iím afraid all we have time for as I said before. We do hope you enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.