JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 February 1971)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once more Iím going to ask each of the contestants to speak if they can for Just A Minute on a subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do it they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement can you talk to us on the subject of demonstrating for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The best place to demonstrate was the Mall, after which Constitution Hill, Hyde Park Corner...

BUZZ

CF: ...Marble Arch...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you very rapidly.

CF: ...Piccadilly...

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: There was a definite hesitation. Iím afraid you hesitated in the Mall or was it Constitution Hill, Iím not sure. But I agree there was...

CF: In his tent!

NP: Oh steady on! A definite hesitation so Derek gains a point and he takes over the subject and there are 56 seconds for demonstrating Derek starting now.

DN: What I particularly like going to see are elderly bearded men demonstrating cookery. I think this is terribly fascinating and something that one should always buy tickets for if they are available. They seldom are because when one thinks of people like we all know in this room at the moment, it is terribly difficult...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Weíre in an auditorium, not a room!

NP: Thatís perfectly correct!

DN: Absolutely right!

NP: Kenneth I agree with your challenge, so you get a point and there are 23 seconds for demonstrating starting now.

KW: One of the nicest experiences Iíve had is going to these stores where they show you how to do the grated carrots on a special little implement. And they say "youíve only got to shove it in here and it comes out the other end all done for you". You need this, you see, so that you wonít have any bleeding fingers...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may not know whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, that tells us 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Kenneth Williams. Sheila Hancock will you take the next subject and the subject is Medusa. Thatís made the audience go quiet, I hope it hasnít inhibited you, but will you talk to us about Medusa for 60 seconds starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Medusa was one of three sisters in Greek legend. They all looked rather unpleasant particularly she. They had snakes for hair and snakes round their waist...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement Freud got in very rapidly. Yes Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of?

CF: Snakes.

NP: Yes we have to be sure, otherwise they...

SH: There were a lot of them though.

NP: Yes. But Clement you take the subject, 51 seconds, Medusa starting now.

CF: To stand on the stage and say "have some Medusa my dear" would really confuse people impossibly because it should have been "have some Madeira my ditto". But mythologically she was a woman of evil intent, one who...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Thatís not true, she wasnít of evil intent actually.

CF: It depends on the tent!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: What makes you say she wasnít? I know she was evil but why do you say she wasnít of evil intent?

SH: Well Iíll tell you if you let me have the challenge.

NP: No, I donít....

KW: You canít have it both ways! You canít...

NP: I donít bargain...

SH: No but she didnít in fact intend the evil. The fact that people turned to stone by looking at her was nothing to do with her.

DN: Youíre wasting your time, darling!

NP: Thatís right, she gains a point and the subject and there are 32 seconds Sheila, Medusa starting now.

SH: She was killed by a person called Perseus who managed it by carrying a mirror so that he didnít have to look at her directly and turn into stone. He also had a magic sword and wings on his heels. When the blood fell from the head it caused snakes to rise from the ground...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Head and snakes. Repetition.

NP: Oh yes, yes thatís right, she said snakes before.

KW: I wanted to hear what happened when the blood fell...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Youíre a rotten chairman!

NP: So you get the subject, having gained a point for a correct challenge, 16 seconds left, Medusa starting now.

DN: To sail towards the land where Medusa lived, you have to start off at Athena in a long boat...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation. You can start in Tunbridge Wells!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh brilliant! Oh!

NP: You canít sail from Tunbridge Wells though, can you? But itís a correct challenge....

CF: You can start, you can start anywhere!

NP: A correct challenge, itís a correct challenge. Clement you gain a point and there are eight seconds left for Medusa starting now.

CF: There is a travel agency which will sell you a ticket to go to the country in which Medusa lived. And this agency in Regent Street...

WHISTLE

NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, so he gained an extra point and now has taken the lead at the end of that round, he has a lead of one over Derek who has a lead of one over Kenneth who has a lead of one over Sheila.

SH: I donít care! I donít care! I never win! Iím a very good loser!

NP: Youíre a beautiful loser as well! But youíre also a very good winner. Youíve challenged yourself at this particular moment Sheila.

SH: Oh have I?

NP: I canít give any points for it, Iím afraid. Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin, sucking lemons. Thatís what has been thought up for you by Ian Messiter so can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Whenever I want to go to a land where you can suck lemons I always start in Tunbridge Wells! From there I go by train to London which enables me to get the bus to the airport. And I fly... to Spain...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Deviation, there really is only, not only one particular land where you can suck lemons. You can suck them in Tunbridge Wells.

NP: You can suck lemons anywhere. But I felt, the way I saw it, he was establishing that he was flying to a land where they grow lemons and that was where he was going to suck them. And thatís what I felt! And therefore I donít think it was deviation Sheila.

SH: Right!

NP: Forty-seven seconds Derek for sucking lemons starting now.

DN: Landing in Madrid I then go to Barcelona because outside that particular town there are these wonderful..

BUZZ

DN: (laughing)... lands where you can...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah there was a hesitation. I must explain...

SH: He nearly hit me in the face!

NP: I must explain to the audience Derek hesitated because Sheila, he nearly hit Sheila right across the head, while giving a magnificent gesture about these lemon groves. And so naturally Clement got in and challenged. He was being gallant and I donít know what to do. But Iíve got to be fair to the rules of the game, it was a hesitation. So Clement gets a point and there are 38 seconds for sucking lemons starting now.

CF: Itís fairly difficult to suck a whole lemon. For which reason it is preferable to cut it in half. Even into quarters. And put these into your mouth, preferably the pith in and the peel out.

BUZZ

DN: Hesitation, he packed up!

CF: Thatís all I wanted to say! I had no more! My contribution!

NP: Because Clement actually stopped, they all three looked in stunned amazement and nobody challenged. It was the longest pause in the game for about two years. Um Derek you got in first, therefore you get a point and the subject, 21 seconds, sucking lemons starting now.

DN: Whenever I see Kenneth Williams, I say "go suck a lemon!" Because thatís a term of abuse...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: The whole thing is a tissue of lies!

NP: So itís deviation, is it?

KW: Yes exactly!

NP: I must say he, Iíve seen him meet you on many occasions. He does not always say "go suck a lemon".

SH: He has that effect though!

NP: No heís never said "go suck a lemon". Or he doesnít say it always and thatís what he said. So therefore Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you get the subject, 18 seconds, sucking lemons starting now.

KW: When I had the unfortunate experience of shrinking gums, they told me to suck these things, because they said the acid properties would help the gums..

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of gums.

NP: Yes.

KW: Gum recession I used the first time. Itís hyphenated, isnít it.

CF: No!

NP: No.

DN: No, no.

KW: Well itís a disgrace! Really!

NP: It might be, but it was fair. So Clement gets a point and the subject, five seconds, sucking lemons starting now.

CF: In the village of Little Easton in Essex, lemon sucking is one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement... Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: In the village of Little Easton in Essex there are no lemons! Itís all lies!

NP: Well they could have imported them, you know, to Little Easton, couldnít they? So thatís the basis for the challenge, itís possible to have lemons in any place throughout this country. So technically speaking itís not a correct challenge, Clement gets another point, two seconds, sucking lemons starting now.

CF: Along the coast of Northumbria...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he has increased his lead at the end of that round. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is delusions. The audience seem to appreciate that idea for you, so will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the commonest of these is termed in the French phrase folly dígrandeur which means really speaking that people imagine themselves to be far posher than they really are...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Deviation, itís not necessarily to feel posher. You can have delusions that youíre worse.

NP: Yeah but the folly dígrandeur surely is the feeling that youíre...

SH: Oh, oh yes.

NP: You see...

SH: He does it so slowly that youíve forgotten what the beginning of the sentence was!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND AUDIENCE

NP: He was going a bit slowly, he wasnít er, he was still managing to keep going all right. So Kenneth you have another point and 40 seconds for delusions starting now.

KW: Of course there are other ones people suffer from, which should not be discussed on a show like this. Because after all one should never never...

BUZZ

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And he was being so precise but Clement Freud pressed his buzzer first. Yes Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of?

CF: Never.

NP: Of course yes. Therefore Clement you take the subject and a point, 28 seconds, delusions starting now.

CF: I had an aunt who hid herself during the entire Second World War in a linen closet because she felt she was a clothes horse. This is the sort of delusion which psychiatrists...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation. Hesitation.

NP: Yes, obviously it was completely devious, otherwise he would not...

BUZZ

NP: Who challenged? Anyway Kenneth I agree with your challenge of hesitation so you get the subject and there are 15 and a half seconds, delusions, starting now.

KW: George the Third once addressed the trees in Windsor Great Park and thought they were statesmen. And when someone said "Sire these are oaks, they are not diplomats", he said...

WHISTLE

KW: ... "nein! Nein!"

NP: So Kenneth....

SH: What did he say?

NP: What did he say?

SH: What did he say?

KW: Nein, nein. He reverted to the German which was his native tongue.

NP: That would have been repetition,

DN: At least he didnít say nein nein nein nein.

SH: I think heíd have been had for repetition if he said that.

KW: I did say nein nein in the whistle.

NP: In the whistle.

KW: It come out, you see!

NP: I know.

KW: These outpourings!

NP: Yes you kept, you gave us a lot of thoughts on delusions and you have crept up considerably at the end of that round. You are now only two points behind our leader Clement Freud. Clement itís your turn to begin. The subject is bugging. Will you talk to us about bugging for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Bugging among other things is the term used for tapping or listening in on peopleís telephones or other conversations which they might have. And police in most countries of the civilised word have got authority to do this thing if properly instructed by a court of law. In England it is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes all right! Donít be so sharp with it. I agree...

CF: I only hesitated while he buzzed.

NP: Anyway you canít get out of it Clement. Kenneth has a point, 37 seconds, bugging Kenneth starting now.

KW: This is a disgraceful practice for which I have got no time whatsoever. There should be privacy in this world. And if we cannot talk intimately to each other without horrible fears of being reported in some terrible secret...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of terrible.

NP: Yes you did have terrible before. So Clement I agree with your challenge and there are 15 seconds for you to carry on with bugging starting now.

CF: As a lad I often went to the fields of Suffolk, chasing maybugs which practice was called bugging. Or between Warbeswick and Blighborough the term was called (country accented sound sort of like bly-ing). Thereís no...

WHISTLE

LOUD LAUGH FROM DN

NP: That last chuckle that you heard then, why Derek is laughing now, is because actually Clement Freud came to a full-stop. He had nothing else to say exactly as the whistle went so he thanked Ian Messiter for blowing it. And at the end of that round he has increased his lead and heís er, well, heís still in the lead! Well done! So letís get on with the show. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin, getting to sleep. Sheila will you talk to us about that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: This is something that a lot of people have a great deal of trouble with...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Thatís not getting to sleep!

NP: Oh youíre being too clever now! This is a..

SH: They have a lot of trouble with getting to sleep.

NP: Yes.

SH: Thatís right!

NP: Thereís nothing wrong with that.

CF: Thatís not getting to sleep!

NP: Sheila Hancock has a point and she has 56 seconds to continue with getting to sleep starting now.

SH: There are many different methods to help you with this. One is counting sheep leaping over a gate. What I do is have a nice warm drink, get into a cosy bed. Before I do that however I usually practice a little yoga which involves deep breathing and stretching and bending...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this is all physical activity! Itís nothing to do with getting to sleep!

NP: But a lot of people find they sleep much better after a lot of physical activity.

KW: Ooooooohh!

NP: And obviously Sheilaís one of them.

GIGGLES AND DIRTY LAUGHS IN THE AUDIENCE, SLOWLY GROWING TO LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

DN: Is she!!!

NP: You can see what sort of an audience weíve got, canít you! And you can see the sort of physical activity they indulge in as well. I meant running about or doing yoga exercises. A good hearty run didnít do anyone any harm before going to bed. Youíd go straight out like a light. Sheila has another point and there are 36 seconds for getting to sleep Sheila starting now.

SH: I have to confess that I am not averse to the method that the audience intended by that dirty laugh!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: However I do not recommend the taking of sleeping pills unless you are absolutely desperate...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Youíve no right to sit here talking about recommending pills or not recommending them. Sheís not a doctor!

NP: But it doesnít matter...

KW: Sheís sitting there as if sheís some ancient apothecary!

NP: Sheís neither ancient nor an apothecary, and sheís perfectly entitled to give such a sensible sane thought to anybody that she does not recommend sleeping pills...

KW: Oh itís obvious that youíre on her side! She must drop you a quid after the show!

SH: He helps me get to sleep!

KW: Ohhhhh!

TREMENDOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: By wearing me out on this programme!

NP: We, we, we, we do a little yoga together!

KW: I have.. I donít know what to say!

SH: Donít!

NP: Well donít, Kenneth!

SH: Shut your face for a change!

NP: To use one of your expressions, shut your cakehole! So there we are, I donít know where weíve got to in the show. I endorsed Sheilaís thought about not recommending sleeping pills that Kenneth challenged on. So Sheila gets a point and she keeps the subject, 24 seconds left, getting to sleep starting now.

SH: The reason I say that is because itís very easy to get hooked on this particular form of getting to sleep. There are however two different forms of tablets, barbiturates...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth... Derek Nimmo challenged. Why?

DN: Repetition of form.

NP: What?

DN: Repetition of form.

SH: Did I?

NP: Yes, yes, itís a little unfair though. But all right, youíll have to do that so yes, there we are, Derek gets a point, 14 seconds for getting to sleep starting now.

DN: Climbing into my bed, I lay with my head on the pillow and begin to think of people that bug me like Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams...

WHISTLE

NP: Actually Derek, I would have thought if you laid in bed and thought of people who bug you that might have kept you awake. But anyway you have gained more points at the end of that round, you have leapt into second place alongside Kenneth Williams but youíre both trailing behind our leader Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is golf. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on golf starting now.

DN: Golf is the rather...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation. I think I gave you time to get going, even to write it down, itís a short word. So Iíve got to be fair and accurate. And I can see on the clock there are four, three and a half seconds have gone. So Clement you gain a point, 56 and a half seconds, golf, starting now.

CF: Golf is a game which is played on links and courses, most of which have 19 holes, some of which have only nine...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, they donít have 19 holes, they only have 18.

NP: This is a very difficult situation because the clubhouse is always referred to as the 19th hole.

DN: I know, but he the links donít have 19 holes. Only the, the course...

NP: Yes thatís right, he did say the courses which have 19 holes. So they donít have 19 holes on the course.

CF: Quite right.

NP: So Derek I agree with your challenge...

CF: Heís quite right.

NP: There are 51 seconds, golf, starting now.

DN: Golf is the rather vulgar and Plebian pronunciation of an ancient Scottish game called goff!

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was a bit tough, wasnít it. But I have to be accurate so he did actually hesitate. Forty-five seconds for you Clement on golf starting now.

CF: John Betjamin pronounces this game goff feeling that the L is entirely superfluous and I agree with... our best poet...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation, yes. Kenneth you gain a point and you have 31 seconds for golf starting now.

KW: Well I get hold of the club and I swing it right the way back, as far as I can manage and then whoof! And off the ball goes! Sometimes I might add, into the canal, or it has been known, the bunker. And I always say as an excuse "well you see, I am a country member, and therefore I donít really understand the game in the full sense of the word". Because Iíve always understood...

WHISTLE

NP: So many sort of er little phrases to keep you going Kenneth. But well done, you kept going, youíve got an extra point for speaking as the whistle went and you have now moved up into a definite second place behind Clement Freud who is leading at the end of that round. Derek Nimmoís in third place and Sheilaís in fourth place. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. Oh Ianís thought of this for you, Garibaldi. Can you talk to us about Garibaldi Kenneth for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This is the name of one of the great Italian patriots who did succeed in establishing the House of Savoy, securely, and gave name...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well he didnít, er, establish them securely because theyíre no longer there. Deviation.

NP: I think you could say that they were there for such a long time that they were securely established...

KW: Of course you could! You great idiot!

NP: About 18, um, about 1840 or 50 that he established them and they werenít um...

KW: They were there right to Mussolini werenít they?

NP: About a hundred years.

KW: Good gracious me, yes, what a ridiculous challenge!

NP: I think thatís.. I think thatís a fairly secure tenure, I really do.

KW: Thank you very much Nick, youíre a very reasonable person!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I was, a little while ago, I was taking money from Sheila Hancock...

KW: Oh thatís a gag! Thatís a joke dear!

NP: So there we are Kenneth, you have a point and you have 54 seconds for Garibaldi starting now.

KW: There are these little biscuits with these currants in between...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Two theses.

NP: Yes but Iím not going to allow it. Kenneth Williams has another point and there are 45 seconds for Garibaldi starting now.

KW: And they take their name from him. For a while, in London, he resided in a street off the Tottenham Court Road and thereís a plaque on the wall (laughs)...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What, what?

CF: Of that giggle.

NP: Actually if itís a repetition of a giggle itís incorrect because he did one giggle that went on...

CF: He went hahaha.

NP: No, oh no, he didnít repeat his giggle. Kenneth has another point and there are 32 seconds for Garibaldi starting now.

KW: And they say that he used to trudge up and down there looking most bewildered and perplexed because he couldnít understand (laughs) the London postal...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of London.

NP: Yes, London, we did have a repetition of London. I think you challenged at the right moment, I think he was almost drying up.

SH: Heís actually running out of historic facts which is very unlike him!

NP: Yes! Yes his, he started to run down. So there we are, Derek you have a point and there are 20 seconds for Garibaldi starting now.

DN: When Garibaldi landed with his bunch of brigands in Italy, who could have foreseen...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why do you challenge?

KW: These were warriors fighting for the freedom of their country, and I donít think anyone in their right minds could refer to them as brigands!

NP: He, he and his warriors were known as er patriots. Sixteen seconds for Garibaldi, Kenneth starting now.

KW: When they first came to him in the grey green hollows of Bowery, Corsica, they said "George the Third is your uncle". And he said...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: George the Second.

NP: All right, Iím going to give it to you. Again you see this is the difficult thing about being the chairman. One could say that they made a mistake and said it was George the Third, but Iím not going to. So Derek Nimmo I agree with the challenge, eight seconds, Garibaldi starting now.

DN: They were a most noble crowd of fellows, when they landed with him in the Tarier. Thatís why they all, people flocked towards him and said...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

DN: "My goodness old Gary.."

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Sheila challenged you for hesitation, you were all over...

DN: Hesitation?

SH: Yes.

NP: Yes.

DN: Hesitation? I was in full flight.

NP: I know.

DN: Arms were going and everything!

NP: Absolute rubbish, you were waffling...

DN: What are you talking about?

NP: Sheila has a point and she has two seconds for Garibaldi starting now.

SH: Theyíve little currants...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid thatís all we have time for, and the final score is Sheila Hancock is in fourth place, a few points behind Derek Nimmo who is a few points behind Clement Freud who is one point behind this weekís winner, Kenneth Williams! A popular, a popular win obviously. Well Iím sorry we have no more time because we enjoy playing Just A Minute which Iím sure is obvious to you. From us all here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.