JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 November 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back Sheila Hancock to do battle with our three impossible players of the game. And Iím going to ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. And if they can do that for 60 seconds, they will gain a point. If anybody challenges them during that time and I uphold the challenge, the person who challenges will receive a point and take over the subject. If not the person speaking will gain a point and continue with the subject. That is how we play the game, that is how we try to score, and that is how we hope it will continue. And let us begin with Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh! Ah! Oh!

NP: Oh heís excited already!

KW: Yes!

NP: Well yes what a perfect subject to begin with Kenneth. Appearing in public. Can you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: This is something which everyone does of course, just by walking down the street. And I suppose that it can be generally assumed that most people are used to doing it. The thing to do is to appear reasonably well dressed. Itís no good going round with your trousers round your ankles or anything like that. You must be well dressed. In town, the assumption must be a lounge suit or at the weekends I think itís reasonable to don a blazer and flannel, sometimes referred to as bags, always amuses me that! And...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock you have challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Deviation, heís talking about trousers, not about appearing in public. And clothes.

NP: Yes he was, but he was talking about his appearance in public. I think it was utterly justified.

SH: Oh.

NP: And I think itís all important, your appearance in public too Kenneth.

KW: Mmmmm!

SH: Heís just given us a description of his wardrobe!

NP: Well letís... he has a point for that because I donít agree with your challenge Sheila, and Kenneth continues with 26 seconds left for appearing in public starting now.

KW: And as that brilliant Roman Cicero remarked, ladies of course abroad should be allowed to wear makeup. Men when they walk abroad know...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two abroads.

NP: There were two abroads. I thought it was for hesitation which was also there. Still I agree with the challenge Clement, you have a point and you have 17 seconds left for appearing in public starting now.

CF: Appearing in public is a very easy thing to do. In fact what is difficult is disappearing while people are watching. Being seen in front of the common masses is something that many of us are very used to...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, that whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking when the 60 seconds is up gains another point. In this case it was Clement Freud. Sheila Hancock will you begin the second round for us. A very topical subject for today, hippies. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: Well I feel very well-equipped to talk about hippies, because way back in my dim youth I was a hippy, or as we were called in those days a beatnik. What I mean is I used to go around with bare feet and I hitchhiked all over the country, and I slept rough occasionally. And the thing that we believed in, and I think the hippies still believe in now, is that work is not the sacred thing that everyone makes it out to be. I think work when you have a vocation probably is. But the hippies think that work, like standing under... a factory bell...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: There was, there were three lots of work too.

SH: Yes I know, I was waiting for them to point it out!

NP: Thatís why she hesitated...

SH: Yes!

NP: ...because she knew she did...

KW: But I liked the unloading of the philosophy! I liked that! It was jolly nice!

NP: Very sporting of you not to have challenged in that case.

KW: Yes, very nice!

CF: I thought it was a work song!

NP: Anyway Derek Nimmo has a point because I agree with his challenge and there are 31 seconds left for hippies Derek starting now.

DN: Of course Iíve always wanted to appear in public as a hippy. Iíd like to stand in the middle of Trafalgar Square,m or preferably I suppose Piccadilly Circus, with lovely little feathery things around my neck, and flowers and beads and chains, and bare feet, and wander up and down, and smoke those nasty cigarettes and all the things that they do. But I canít, you see, because my wife wonít let me! I think itís a very noble thing to do. Who would want... by choice...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, your buzzerís gone on continuously.

SH: Thatís mine!

NP: Well the green light came up.

CF: I buzzed first, then Sheila.

NP: Well who, who got in first?

IAN MESSITER: Clement.

NP: Clement, and you challenged, why?

CF: (laughs) Iíve honestly forgotten! It was, it was a hesitation.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Well all right...

CF: It was a long time ago.

NP: I do like people to justify it, just in case I disagree with their actual challenge. So there are seven, eight seconds left for hippies Clement starting now.

CF: It must be admitted that some of my best friends are hippies, and live in 144 Piccadilly, before they moved to a house in Engel Street from which they were evicted...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went so he gains that extra point, so he now has a very definite lead over all the others. Clement Freud would you begin the third round for us, Scotch eggs. Can you talk about Scotch eggs for us Clement, for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The Scotch egg is a portmanteau dish which comes to us from north of the Border. There was a time when sausages, eggs, tomatoes and bacon were all served separately. But some Celt thought that the best thing to do was to combine it into one single item. Soon after the Battle of Bannockburn, they used to take chipolatas and ram them into eggs but this didnít work. They got long thin sausages and knitted into them sort of comforters which they put around the eggs. And while this was more successful the people didnít think it was entirely to their liking. And so finally they thought...

BUZZ

NP: And perhaps we shall never know! Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Unfortunately he didnít think so hesitation.

NP: He probably did, but he couldnít think what the Scotsmen thought. So there are 19 seconds left for Scotch eggs Derek starting now.

DN: North of Dundee, thereís a road island red who regularly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you have another point Clement, 15 seconds for Scotch eggs starting now.

CF: You moisten your hands and get the sausage meat into small pasties...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of sausage meat.

NP: Sausage meat, you are right Derek, another point, 14 seconds...

CF: It is endemic of a Scotch egg, you know, it is virtually, ah, the title...

NP: Absolutely endemic but the Scotch egg is the only thing you are allowed to repeat more than once in this round. There are 12 seconds for Scotch eggs Derek, starting now.

DN: And south of Aberdeen there is an old cock who regularly goes to visit the aforementioned hen...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The juxtaposition of a cock and an egg!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh brilliant! Oh lovely!

NP: I think thatís one of those occasions when I give you a bonus point for cleverness and wit as well, not two points, just one point for both. And leave the subject with Derek Nimmo with five and a half seconds for Scotch eggs starting now.

DN: And so after these feathered chums have got together, they regularly lay Scotch eggs which people find terribly tasty and they come from miles...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking then when the whistle went, then he gets an extra point and heís now in second place behind Clement Freud. Derek will you begin the next round, creating a precedent. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DN: Well I think if one was creating an American President, the most important thing to obtain would be rather wealthy grandparents, particularly of mixed religions and mixed races. They would breed those together which would eventually produce a really rather splendid fellow who would run and be educated in Harvard or...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila you challenged, why?

SH: I think it isnít President, itís precedent.

NP: Yes it is.

SH: Heís talking about a feller.

NP: he is talking... I think heís rather cleverly taken the word and er used a sort of varied pronunciation to be rather clever.

SH: Oh.

NP: I think Iím justified in leaving it with Derek so there are 45 seconds Derek to continue with creating a precedent starting now.

DN: I climbed up the Trafalgar Memorial very very slowly...

BUZZ

DN: For repetition!

NP: Out of his own mouth, heís committed himself. Clement has challenged, 40 seconds for creating a precedent starting now.

CF: The way you create a precedent is to do something and then repeat it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, why?

DN: Heís done it and heís repeated it, so repetition!

NP: I will give you a point for cleverness for your challenge...

CF: Iíd rather he had the subject!

NP: And as youíre so clever at this Clement, we have the subject still with you, 40, 35 seconds, creating a precedent starting now.

CF: I jump up and go to my studio where I fashion a precedent of marble and bullrushes. My wife admires this immensely and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Itís got nothing to do with any sort of...

NP: I disagree, Iíve never heard of anything being made out of bullrushes and bananas or whatever it was...

CF: That is why itís a precedent!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís too clever! The thing is Iím not going to judge on this, it needs the wisdom of more than one Solomon. Ladies and gentlemen, Iím going to ask you to be the judges. If you agree with Derek Nimmoís challenge, will you all please cheer. And if you disagree will you all please boo. In other words, if youíre on Clement Freudís side you boo. If youíre on Derekís side you cheer, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I would say the boos have it, Clement you have another point, 25 seconds...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...creating a precedent starting now.

CF: Rose bushes and rhododendrons are other media which are fantastically useful in creation of such a precedent on which I have talked...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Heís already confessed that heís talked about it, so itís repetition!

NP: Thatís another clever challenge and this time Derek, in fairness I think i must give you the benefit of the doubt, you take over the subject with 16 seconds left starting now.

DN: I say when I got to the top of the Monument, I had a rose in my teeth. And I jumped from the top! And I was the very first person ever to jump from the top of Trafalgar Memorial with a rose in my teeth! And there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Heís never done this! Therefore itís...

NP: A very clever challenge, you bet youíve never done it. If you have, you must bring us proof next week Derek. So six seconds left for you Kenneth Williams starting now.

KW: I was the only one at my school ever to get up on the stage and speak all the lines Iíd previously learned without hesitating or deviating...

WHISTLE

KW: Thatís a mark for me, innit! Thatís a mark!

NP: Yes!

KW: Have I gone into the lead?

NP: Youíve got two marks now, yes.

KW: Am I in the lead?

NP: No, youíve jumped into third place.

KW: Oh dear!

NP: Behind Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round.

KW: Oh yes.

NP: The subject is dancing. So donít demonstrate please!

KW: No.

NP: Dancing, 60 seconds, starting now.

KW: This has always provided a source of great joy for the participants. Indeed it was said by the poet that
The inbennicatue
Is not so easy to do
If you take one more step than you oughta
You will be doing the waltz under water...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Which of course is not what anyone should do. But I have trod the measure, as they say gaily, in various places. I was in the ballroom once on a stage and I was in despair at the choreographer! He said ď itís one-two-three, dearĒ, but I kept going one-two-three-four...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

KW: What on?

NP: Go on, tell us!

CF: Two ones, two twos, two threes.

KW: Oh thatís true.

CF: But admittedly only one four.

KW: Yes I was carried away!

NP: Um weíll never know what happened after that second, one-two-three-four. Right so Clement Freud has 31 seconds for dancing starting now.

CF: Slow-slow-quick-quick-slow...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, what...

KW: Oh that was repetition. Quick-quick-slow, you see.

NP: Yes, I think weíre all with you on that. And you have the subject back with 26 seconds left for dancing starting now.

KW: On another occasion I was asked to fo the valeta down Oxford Street...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock why have you challenged?

SH: Repetition, on another occasion, and on a previous occasion.

NP: Thatís a clever challenge Sheila but because he already had used occasion. Once was on a stage and another occasion. So there are 24 seconds left for dancing Sheila starting now.

SH: There are all sorts of dancing. Thereís ballet dancing and athletic dancing and ball room dancing...

BUZZ

SH: Ahhhhh!

NP: And Clement Freudís challenged.

SH: And thereís repetition as well, isnít there.

NP: Yes, repetitive dancing. So there we have another point to you Clement, and 17, 18 seconds for dancing starting now.

CF: One evening I performed an old fashioned waltz in Trafalgar Square around a lion witnessed by Lord Nelson, who had one eye bandaged up but managed to look down and see me facing...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, very mild. Itís difficult to judge sometimes but I think it was just there. Five seconds for you Derek on dancing starting now.

DN: Clad in 15 yards of silk hue, sequins all over my arm, the great yard on my head...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freudís still in the lead, Derek Nimmoís just behind in second place, and Sheila Hancock begins the next round. Changing nappies, Sheila. Can you talk for 60 seconds on that particular subject starting now.

SH: This is one of my least favourite occupations. But it has been made a easier these days, because you have paper nappies and services where you just take it off and chuck it to a man in a plastic bag and he takes it away. God knows what he does with it, but we hope he washes it. But if you do it the old fashioned way, you take the rear end of a baby, you hold its legs up and you take a er square...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Iím afraid there was. Whoís this man with a plastic bag, you chuck things at?

SH: The Nappy Service, a man comes round with a bag.

NP: And you chuck them at him?

SH: Yes, Iím so pleased to get rid of them!

NP: Iím surprised he ever comes back again! Clement there are 40, 39 seconds for changing nappies starting now.

CF: Having five children, this is something which I have done very often...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Repetition!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís one of those clever challenges which I think deserves the point. But I think, because of the rules of the game as stated I canít take the subject away. Clement keeps the subject, 36 seconds for changing nappies starting now.

CF: So when it isnít wind, it is invariably a nappy. You take the child and remove its soiled nappy from about his loins, get a new cloth, and lay down and fold it into a triangle. And engage the behind...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I find it boring!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: It is!

NP: Perhaps youíve never changed a nappy, Kenneth? Well, boring or not, weíre still with Clement Freud then...

KW: Yes!

NP: So he gets another point for that, there are 21 seconds Clement for changing nappies starting now.

CF: Itís very wearing stuff! And you... turn over...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you got in that time.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Derek you have changing nappies, 17 seconds left starting now.

DN: Itís totally disgusting! Absolutely filthy! Something I never become engaged in at all if I can possibly avoid it! I just throw the things to one side and I call for somebody to go and do it properly actually. The best thing to do is to plunge the baby straight into a bath of water, scrub it all over, toss it out...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, that isnít changing nappies. Thatís bathing the baby.

NP: I think thatís a very clever challenge. Clement you have another point, you have four seconds for changing nappies starting now.

CF: The main thing is that you get a dirty nappy and replace it by a clean one...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of dirty nappy.

NP: Yes weíve had dirty nappy, Derek you have another point, one second for changing nappies starting now.

DN: Smell!

WHISTLE

NP: But at the end of that round Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are battling it out neck and neck for the lead. Clement is now one point ahead of Derek. Clement will you begin the next round, signing my autograph is the subject. Will you talk for 60 seconds on that starting now.

CF: Itís an extraordinary thing that people expect me to sign my autograph because I have no idea what theyíre going to do with it if I gave it to them which I donít. But just before Iím able to say ďIím sorry, I do not do this sort of thingĒ, making it sound as if it is some filthy habit, they always say ďitís not for me, itís for my little girlĒ or alternately ďmy granny would be so angry if I didnít get itĒ. I wonder what would happen if I did sign my autograph. I suppose some mother would say to her child ďif you donít shut up, Iíll give you Clement Freudís autographĒ. Which is a very good reason. But I first started not doing it outside the Wembley Stadium on a cup final...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock you challenged, why?

SH: Deviation, heís talking about not signing an autograph.

NP: Very clever challenge Sheila, you have a point, you have 20 seconds for signing my autograph starting now.

SH: Iím always very ashamed when I sign my autograph, because I never learned to write properly because I went to a school where we learned to write printing, and then I went to a school where we did handwriting and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: She went to two schools.

NP: Yes she went to to many schools in that particular round. So Derek you have a point, nine seconds for signing my autograph starting now.

DN: Well I tend to start with a D and then I go on to an E. And after that I put an R and then finally an E, or not quite...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Two Es.

NP: Yes there were two Es. I was waiting, I was wondering whether youíd fall into the trap youíd set for yourself Derek. Clement you have the subject back, four seconds for signing my autograph starting now.

CF: And this man came up to me and said ďexcuse me sir, could I have your autograph?Ē and I said ďcertainly...Ē

WHISTLE

CF: Can I just go on with it?

NP: Yes, weíre er... you wonít get a bonus point for it.

CF: This is really what stopped... no, no, no...

KW: No, no, no...

CF: This is what stopped me giving autographs. I was standing outside Wembley and there were about 20 people in the group. And one of them looked at me and told the others, and they all looked at me. And then one man detached himself and he came up and said Ďexcuse me sir, could I have your autograph?Ē And I was pleased and I said ďcertainlyĒ and I signed. And he said ďno, it isnít!Ē

LONG LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, what I have been warned against. Thereís a subject to set you thinking. And if youíve thought now, will you begin for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I havenít really thought about it all. But like all courageous people, I will plunge in bravely and do my best to discuss this subject. What I was warned against, well, there were so many occasions. One was talking to strangers. Another one was accepting sweets from men. Now consequently I was also hanging around waiting, for these things, these confections, (laughs) to be offered to me and they never were. But of course in the Army I was warned against disobeying. I did on one occasion and consequently had to do my fatigues. I had to dress in denims and go out and scrub out the barracks room. It was a disgrace! I mean quite apart from anything else, superlatives afterwards should never be er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, another point to you Clement and there are 13 seconds left for what I have been warned against starting now.

CF: I was warned by the producer against getting too close to Kenneth Williams. Because many people think you become contaminated and thereafter incapable of ordinary speech or free movement...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Iím not going to allow him to say that about Kenneth!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh thank you! Lovely! Oh how lovely!

NP: So...

SH: Iíve got close to Kenneth many times and Iíve never been contaminated!

KW: No! Sheís painting a true picture! Thatís right!

NP: (laughs) So why are you challenging?

SH: Deviation or anything you can think of!

NP: Deviation will do, all right. We agree that you canít get contaminated from Kenneth Williams, so Sheila Hancock has a point and...

SH: I donít know what the subject is. What is it?

NP: Four seconds left Sheila, for what I have been warned against starting now.

SH: But almost everything I have been warned about has been proved to be to... totally...

BUZZ

SH: Ahhhhh!

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Ah hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. So Derek...

SH: I have a stutter!

NP: ... you have the subject, what I have been warned against starting now.

DN: Iíve been warned by the producer not to sit next to Sheila Hancock!

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round weíre still in the same position. Clement Freud just one ahead of Derek Nimmo. Sheila Hancock, your turn to begin. The subject is chores. Will you talk for 60 seconds on that starting now.

SH: This is something I absolutely loathe and I do anything I possibly can to avoid. I have every machine possible in my house to avoid doing chores...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Showing off! Every machine possible!

NP: That is not one of the rules of the game, all that happens is that Sheila gets another point and continues with the subject for the next 52 seconds starting now.

SH: To avoid doing my dish washing, I have something that you put in and it does it for you. I have a washing machine to do that for me. I have an electric vacuum...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Sheís not talking about chores, sheís talking about the avoidance of doing chores so thatís deviation.

NP: Sheís still talking about her chores, whether sheís doing them or avoiding them. Sheís still on the subject of chores so she has another point and there are 43 seconds left for chores starting now.

SH: Another thing that might be sometimes considered a chore is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: (laughs)

NP: Heís ungallant!

KW: Youíre so ungallant!

DN: Vendetta!

KW: Sheís hardly got her mouth open, has she? Hardly got her mouth open!

NP: A hesitation?

SH: Iíve got a stutter!

KW: Yes! She canít help that!

NP: I must explain to the listeners that Sheila Hancock sits next to Derek Nimmo. And we all know that Derek has a stutter which he uses very cleverly, not only on this show but elsewhere. And heís now passed it on to Sheila which is utterly disgraceful! So Sheila has a point...

KW: Hear hear!

NP: ...for 40 seconds starting now.

SH: I sometimes consider going to the theatre every evening and doing the same play and saying the same words a bit of a chore. And putting on my makeup. But for that I do get bored, so I donít mind doing it so much. Sometimes playing this game is a bit of a chore when you sit next to Derek Nimmo and he makes you stutter. But you have to put up with that as well because itís all part of the British spirit. However when Clement Freud is there, itís also even more of a chore. Kenneth Williams is less of a... inconvenience...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Well I challenged because I thought she was deviating a bit.

NP: Why deviating?

KW: Well she was deviating...

NP: The thing is Kenneth, what I was trying to say is, she was definitely hesitating.

KW: Mmmmm!

NP: Sheís almost come to a full stop!

KW: Oh! Oh!

NP: But she was also talking about her chores...

KW: I leave all that to you! After all, youíve got to have rules!

NP: Unfortunately I have to leave the challenges to you Kenneth.

KW: Oh!

NP: So you have a point because you are not devious and you have the subject of chores, 15 seconds left, starting now.

KW: My chores are manifold. The first thing in the morning, thereís the toothpaste. Itís all got to be squeezed! Then thereís the laces to be tied! Itís a rich life, isnít it. Going down for the post, itís a ...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation?

NP: No, it was just there, but I think it was more intimidated hesitation. So Kenneth Williams still has another point and there are two seconds left for chores starting now.

KW: Combing my hair too! Itís murder when you see all that hair...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for in this particular edition of Just A Minute. Sheila Hancock was in fourth place, just behind Kenneth Williams, who was a little way behind Derek Nimmo who was fractionally behind Clement Freud who was this weekís winner. We do hope that youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.