JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 DEcember 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just a Minute. And having brought on our four active and keen competitors of the game, weíre going to start playing once again with the same rules as old. Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they do that, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, joy. Talk to us about joy for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well she is the daughter, of course, of Edith and lives at Harrogate. And when she presented her little baby, Jennifer, to me for the first time, the child cried out in alarm. I said ďoooh have I put him off, do you think?Ē Actually I didnít know then the sex, you see. Thatís why I said him instead of her...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock youíve challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Heís talking about Joyís baby and not about Joy.

NP: Yes I think youíve gone on for quite a long time about the baby...

KW: Oh very sly, ainít she?

SH: Oh! I always start off well, I taper off towards the end!

NP: Yes! Twenty-six seconds you went and only five of them were on Joy, so Sheila, I agree with your challenge. You gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 24, 34 seconds left for joy starting now.

SH: There are many times in my life when I experience joy. Usually...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: Repetition, many times in her life!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: As the audience have applauded your thoughts and your comments, I will give you a bonus point Kenneth. But leave the subject with Sheila as she hasnít strictly speaking deviated from the subject on the card which is joy. Sheila there are 30 seconds for you to continue with joy starting now.

SH: I suppose the greatest moment was when I first looked at my little daughter Emma Jane. Mind you, I didnít know quite what to do with her. But I was very joyful. Then when I see a lovely sunny day, when I smell the new mor... mown hay...

BUZZ

SH: All right!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged first.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, so when you drop on a word, itís er...

SH: Itís a lovely picture though, isnít it!

DN: Lovely picture!

NP: Lovely picture. Derek I agree with your challenge so you gain a point and there are 17 seconds left Derek starting now.

DN: Hallelujah, my heart was filled with joy! Oh the bells ring! My goodness, what a wonderful day! As I walk along the main street with the snow swishing down around me, my...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Snow on this wonderful day.

NP: He might mean snow, snow can give, give people a lot of joy.

KW: Oh what a terrible chairman! Heís obviously partisan!

NP: I try very hard to get it...

CF: I havenít said anything!

KW: Oh heís partisan! Biased! Biased!

NP: No I disagree, he wasnít er deviating from the subject of joy. So Derek you have another point, two seconds left starting now.

DN: Joy Keane was the third daughter of Emily...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes which tells us that 60 seconds are up gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo and he now has a commanding lead at the end of that round.

BUZZ

NP: And Derek has challenged, why?

DN: Well Iíd just like to point out to Clement Freud that he challenged when there were only two seconds to go.

NP: Yes.

DN: When his challenge, normally he challenges with three seconds to go.

NP: I think thatís very clever of him, donít you?

DN: Yes, a misjudgement!

NP: A misjudgement? Maybe next time heíll challenge when thereís only one. Letís continue with the show. Clement Freud it is your turn and what a strange subject! The thoughts of Mao! Clement can you talk on the thoughts of Mao for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: This is a book which I have been trying to get from the public library for many months now. But I imagine it is full of such truths as better to have a one-legged Communist prawn than a dirty imperialist buffalo. This is the kind of such thought which I imagine Mao...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of imagine.

NP: Yes he did say imagine before.

KW: Well that was awfully mean of him! It was getting really interesting!

NP: But he did say...

KW: I wanted to hear more about one-legged prawns and things!

NP: Derek I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 41 seconds left, the thoughts of Mao starting now.

DN: When one goes to Shanghai these days...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, he never goes to Shanghai!

DN: When one goes!

NP: Iím sure he probably never goes but he did actually say when ones goes to Shanghai.

KW: Well one means himself, doesnít it?

NP: No it means anyone.

KW: Well why doesnít he say when anyone goes to Shanghai?

NP: He didnít actually say when I go...

KW: Youíre very partisan!

NP: Iím not! I try to be fair and whoever I disagree with when they challenge Iím always accused by that person of being unfair to them. But Iím afraid on this occasion, I disagree with your challenge, Derek keeps the subject and a point, 37 seconds, the thoughts of Mao starting now.

DN: If one goes into a Charing Cross...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: One goes.

KW: One goes.

CF: When one goes,

DN: Absolutely right, yes, give it to Freud!

NP: When one goes, repetition of a phrase so that is right. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge. You get a point and there are 36 seconds left, the thoughts of Mao starting now.

CF: Pathetic ploughmen trudging their weary paths...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, that has nothing to do with Mao, itís a paraphrase of Grayís Elegy!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís perfectly possible that one of the thoughts of Mao could be a paraphrase of Grayís Elegy. Because I actually havenít read it...

KW: That has nothing to do with it! One of our great poets!

NP: Well I must be honest, I have not read all the thoughts of Chairman...

KW: Just because he swum up the Yangtze doing the breaststroke! Oh itís ridiculous! I was going to crawl all down Oxford Street and no-one took a blind bit of notice!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughing) As Iíve never read the thoughts of Chairman Mao... and Iím... so as most of the audience have not read the thoughts of Chairman Mao I think the only thing I can do is put the final decision to them. If you consider that er Kennethís challenge was legitimate, will you cheer. And if you disagree with the challenge, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre all against Mao, they want you to swim down Oxford Street! You get the subject on the audienceís verdict Kenneth and you have 30 seconds for the thoughts of Mao starting now.

KW: These were a load of old rubbish! Collected in a red book and distributed by a lot of infamous youths, who became known, I believe, as the Red Guard and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of red, red books and Red Guard.

NP: Yes, Red books and Red Guard.

KW: Oh I mean, itís so unfair, isnít it!

NP: It is tough yes, but there we are. Derek, two red gains you a point, 21 seconds, the thoughts of Mao starting now.

DN: Itís not generally known to the Western audience that the thoughts of Chairman Mao tend to be rather grubby. In fact awfully dirty. And this is something that he has kept from his wife for many years. And that is why he is always surrounded by these gentlemen with dark revolvers and even machine...

WHISTLE

NP: So once again Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, gains an extra point. And has increased his lead over everybody else at the end of that round. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin, the subject is waffles. Can you talk to us about them for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: This is something of which this team is expert, waffles. It is a way of talking to fill in time which is a load of rubbish. And Kenneth Williams is particularly adept...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation! Have I got to sit here and be told I talk a load of rubbish? One of the greatest illumin... oh I mean no...

NP: So what are you.... why are you challenging?

KW: Because itís a disgrace! Deviation!

NP: No Iím sorry, she did actually repeat particular twice but itís too late now. You challenged for deviation and she wasnít deviating from the subject, is the way I see it. Because she can interpret...

SH: You, you passed your opinion on General Mao, Iím passing my opinion on you!

KW: Youíre extremely rude! You want to shut your cake hole!

SH: There you are!

KW: I think that was extremely rude!

KW: I donít have to come here to be insulted!

SH: You could be insulted anywhere!

KW: Yes!

NP: So now that everybodyís insulted everybody, letís get on with the game, shall we? I disagree with the challenge so Sheila gains a point and there are 47 seconds left for waffles starting now.

SH: Apart from that, it is a revolting convection which is a sort of biscuit...

BUZZ

SH: Ahhhhh!

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged, why?

DN: Well hesitation, didnít make sense, deviation, she said revolting convection instead of confection which was what she was trying to say.

NP: Yes.

DN: So itís deviation, not making sense, a load of rubbish!

NP: Derekís got a point, 44 seconds, waffles Derek starting now.

DN: See them waffle along is a lovely sort of thought...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, the song is not see them waffle along. Itís see them shuffle along.

DN: No it isnít!

KW: (sings) See then shuffling along the highway!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, we loved that and the audience adored it but itís got absolutely nothing to do with waffles. he never said it was the song. He was just saying see them waffle along. Heís entitled to say that if he wants to.

KW: he was doing it ala the lyric.

NP: Yes, oh alalala! He wasnít deviating. There are 35 seconds for you Derek to continue with waffles starting now.

DN: Itís jolly nice when you get some inside your gullet because theyíre so sweet, tender, and in every possible way...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation because he wasnít really making sense, all the words were jumbled. Clement you get a point and there are 28 seconds for waffles starting now.

CF: The most extraordinary thing about a New York restaurant is that they tend to sell these with maple syrups poured all over them, also bits of streaky bacon and cucumber slices. You go into a salon which they call an eating house together with...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Well it was so borderline, I donít think... itís one of those difficult things but I donít think it was quite hesitation. So Iím going to give the benefit of the doubt to Clement who keeps the subject, 11 seconds left, waffles Clement, starting now.

CF: Some of the best borderline waffles Iíve had were on the Mason Dixon line where they served them with baked beans...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of served them.

NP: Yes they were served before. So Derek thatís correct, you gain the subject and a point, five seconds left, waffles starting now.

DN: if you go into the House of Commons, you will see a lot of people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: It was nothing to do with waffles.

NP: But he...

KW: Exactly! Exactly!

NP: What do you mean exactly? Be quiet, Kenneth! He only said one sentence, thereís three seconds to go, you know that.

CF: Itís a long sentence.

NP: Itís a long sentence and probably... if you go into the House of Commons, he has not finished. Derek gets a point, two seconds left, waffles starting now.

DN: Dickís Diner which is just off the M1 sells the most...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek managed to speak again when the whistle went so he gained more points and has increased his lead which is now quite commanding over the rest. Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject is wizardry. That thought has gone very quiet. I havenít put a spell on him or anything like that. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on wizardry starting now.

DN: This is something which both the Old Testament and the New Test...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Testament.

NP: Yes.

DN: I havenít said Testament! I said New Test!

NP: Yes!

KW: No good trying to flannel your way out of it mate!

DN: An anticipatory challenge!

CF: In that case hesitation!

DN: I only got as far as test!

NP: Yes heís got... you see how they try and bluff me out! No I quite agree with Clementís challenge. You get a point Clement, wizardry starting now.

CF: In a PG Wodehouse play, the character...

BUZZ

NP: Derekís got back in again.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, 56 seconds left, wizardry starting now.

DN: Deuteronomy and Isaiah forbid the use or the acquaintance with sorcerers or wizards. They are male people who conjure up evil spirits...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: They are not necessarily male people.

DN: They are necessarily male. Wizards can only be males.

CF: Or hermaphrodite.

NP: Oh very sharp challenge but I disagree, Derek has another point, 41 seconds, wizardry Derek starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, 39 seconds for you Clement on wizardry starting now.

CF: Wizardry, wizardry, he said...

BUZZ

NP: And Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Repetition.

KW: Youíre allowed to repeat the title, you stupid great fool!

SH: Oh whatís going on between you and Clement Freud?

KW: Going on?

SH: Youíre ganging up against Derek and I!

KW: It has been the most honourable acquaintanceship!

NP: I must say Iíve pointed out before, they came together on Just a Minute...

KW: That was because of the pack thing!

NP: Well I must say their partnership...

KW: I come over faint! I come over faint and he helped me out! Thatís all! Thatís all there is to it! He put his arm around me because I was fainting! I was falling! He just showed it, thatís what done it! He showed some patience.

NP: Two shows, now thatís repetition. Unfortunately Sheila...

SH: I know!

NP: That was a rather clever ploy of Clementís which gets him a point. Thatís another way of getting points, you see. You came in straight away, it was repetition, but heís allowed to say the subject on the card. Clement you get another point, 32 seconds left starting now.

CF: I met my wife when she played the part of Beauty and the wizard was played by an old man who later became...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why...

DN: Repetition of wife actually. I first met my wife when she played...

NP: Beauty yes, well listened. Twenty-five seconds for you now Derek on wizardry starting now.

DN: Iím off to see the Wizard, the wonderful ditto of Oz...

BUZZ

DN: Why?

NP: Kenneth Williams?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: Anticipatory challenges will do you no good!

KW: Iím sorry.

NP: Why did you challenge Kenneth?

KW: it was Sheilaís challenge that should be heard, not mine.

NP: Sheila what was your challenge?

SH: Oh I didnít, did I?

CF: Deviation.

NP: It was your challenge...

KW: Oh Iím sorry, it was Clement.

CF: On behalf of my colleague...

NP: Yes...

CF: ...and friend...

NP: Yes...

SH: Ooohhhooohh! Here we go again!

NP: Stop this romance under the table!

CF: Deviation.

NP: On what grounds is it devious?

CF: He said Iím off.

NP: Iím off?

CF: Yes.

NP: Iím off to see the wizard... Iím sorry, youíve got me completely foxed. He said Iím off to see the wizard...

CF: I didnít challenge him! I didnít challenge!

NP: Kennethís buzzer came up and Kenneth doesnít wish to play the challenge so all that happens is that Derek gets a point, he continues with wizardry, 22 seconds left starting now.

DN: In Revelations and St Johnís, itís also...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Weíve already had all this Biblical stuff! Itís terribly boring! Dreary boring rubbish!

NP: Well er...

KW: I donít want to hear all this Biblical stuff all the time.

NP: He wasnít deviating from wizardry, therefore I have to give him another point.

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

NP: Seventeen seconds left for wizardry starting now.

DN: I always terribly liked Merlin you know. Thatís the chap with the long tall hat with the stars and the moon on it and the big wand. And he goes around the place in those lovely stories which I used to listen to, and even read when I was very tiny, weaving spells and making magic. And my goodness, how my childhood days...

WHISTLE

NP: Well in spite of being intimidated on all sides and trying very hard himself, he;s doing extraordinarily well in this particular show.

KW: Oh!

NP: Heís increased his lead, no, no, Clementís well up there in second place. Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams are trailing a little. Kenneth Williams itís your turn to begin.

KW: Well thank goodness for that! Yes!

NP: The subject, yes itís lovely to hear from you again. The subject is fallacies. Can you talk to us about them for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of the greatest historical fallacies is that John Lackland was some sort of idiot who lost his jewels in the wash. Whereas in actual fact he established the judicial system of England and was a loyal and devoted son. Records still extant show that every year, yards of Damesque cotton and other beautiful things were given to his mother. And what finer testimony can you have of a manís devotion...

BUZZ

KW: Who challenged?

NP: Sheila did.

SH: Well please! Honestly! He goes off into these flights of fantasy and nobody dares challenge him in case heís talking fact!

NP: Why are you challenging Sheila?

SH: Deviation.

NP: Why?

SH: Well just because itís rubbish! I canít make head nor tail of it.

NP: He did establish actually that there was a great fallacy about this...

KW: The fact that heís a fool who lost his jewels in the washing and that this was not so. He was an industrious man. Thatís what Iím saying!

NP: Yes but you established that it was a fallacy, but then you went on at great length about him and his losses...

KW: Well how else do you disprove a fallacy but by going on about it? I mean, you tell me! Iíd like to know! Iíd like to know! Iíd like to know what your masculine heart is doing now!

SH: Oh Kenneth!

KW: (in tears) What mineís doing is pounding inside! Theyíll be coming up to my door, theyíll be knocking on my door and ...

SH: Heís insane!

NP: Heís gone!

CF: I thought it was very well argued!

KW: Thank you very much Clem! Youíre a gent!

NP: It was very well argued, but... all right! As there seems to be a difference of opinion, the audience will be the judge. If you consider that Kenneth had managed to get away from talking about fallacies, and his illustration had gone right on to something else, then youíre on Sheilaís side, will you cheer. And if youíre on Kennethís side will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Sheila you have it! You take a point, 20 seconds left for fallacies starting now.

SH: It is a fallacy that it is easy to play this programme. I can tell you that it is incredibly difficult to talk...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: It is, three times.

CF: Oh!

KW: It is a fallacy, it is, it is three times.

NP: Yes she said it three times. So Kenneth to be accurate I have to give it to you, 13 seconds left, fallacies starting now.

KW: Also itís a great fallacy to assume that the English are by nature phlegmatic and unemotional. This came about largely due to the Duke of wellington impressing his persona so much upon the national consciousness...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went. He gained an extra point and he also disproved another fallacy...

KW: Have I gone into the lead?

NP: No you havenít.

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

NP: You proved that you can go on being rude and still the audience love you! Iíve never...

KW: How many marks have I got then?

NP: Youíve got four and so has Sheila Hancock.

KW: Whoís winning?

NP: Derek Nimmoís still winning. Clement Freudís still in place. And actually if Sheila hadnít been helped by the audience, you would have won.

KW: Thatís true! Yes sheís a conniver! A conniver!

NP: Anyway the audience were on your side that time Kenneth. The subject is now for you Clement Freud, oh what a topical one, fuzz. Can you talk to us about fuzz Clement for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Fuzz is a name popularly given to the police forces of the world. But also the mildew surrounding a gooseberry...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why...

KW: Deviation, it is not true!

NP: Well some...

KW: Fuzz is not given to the police forces of the world!

NP: Oh yes it is Kenneth...

KW: Itís a slang expression, itís nothing to do with the forces of the world. Itís rubbish...

NP: Kenneth! Youíve gone too may times! Listen! Depending on who you are, you might call any police force the fuzz. So anyway Clement, I disagree with the challenge...

KW: Oh!

NP: There are 51 seconds for fuzz starting now.

CF: This is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo got in first.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, 50 seconds for you Derek on fuzz starting now.

DN: Fuzz is what Clement Freud hasnít! Because he is rather short on follicles. In fact, the top of his head is particularly bleak. It is, as he well said, I thought he said it awfully well really...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of well.

KW: Very well yes!

NP: Well said.

DN: Well said.

NP: Well said Sheila, well said Sheila, a point to you, 38 seconds, fuzz starting now.

SH: I would challenge that Clement Freud hasnít much fuzz, he has quite a considerable amount around his chin...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, how does she know?

SH: Round his chin! I can see it!

NP: She was choosing fuzz to mean that furry stuff you have on your head...

DN: Yes quite.

NP: .... or that soft silky stuff that some of the girls have on their head...

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: So er a different meaning to you Derek, I think. Sheila has a point, 33 seconds, fuzz starting now.

SH: The fuzz wear dark blue uniforms and sometimes helmets. Or if theyíre officers, they wear sleek hats...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well sheís just said itís on his chin, and now sheís saying they wear dark blue uniforms! It canít be on his chin one minute, and in uniform the next!

NP: If youíre challenged, and you start again, it can be! Because this word can mean more than one thing. So you can take the word and talk about it in any sense you wish and thatís what Sheila was doing, so she wasnít deviating Kenneth. There are 27 seconds for fuzz Sheila starting now.

SH: Some people talk of them in a derogatory fashion, but I think they are splendid and we are very lucky because we have a particularly good police force...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of police.

DN: I think she did.

NP: I donít, no, she talked about the fuzz before.

SH: I called them the fuzz before.

NP: No, she didnít actually say the word police before.

DN: Oh you got off that!

NP: Sheila has another point and there are 18 seconds for fuzz Sheila starting now.

SH: Unlike most forces, ours are unarmed. They have immense bravery to face sometimes riotous mobs just by linking their hands and saying... nice things...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation. Everybody was quiet because they wanted to hear that little eulogy to the British police force. But Derek you were correct, four minutes... four minutes! (laughs) Four seconds actually will do, fuzz starting now.

DN: I would like to endorse Sheila Hancockís wonderful remarks about the fuzz...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

SH: Because heís saying heís endorsing what Iíve already said.

KW: Oh yes!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Bravo! Bravo!

NP: We give Sheila a bonus point for a clever thought but as Derek wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject, he can...

SH: No, I said repetition!

KW: Repetition! She didnít say deviation! Hahahahahaha! Caught you out! Haha!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why are you so keen to catch everybody out today Kenneth?

KW: Just because youíre partisan! Iíll side with her!

SH: Heís having one of his spells today! Isnít he!

NP: Who put the wizardry on you? Youíre all a fuzz at the moment! So Sheila gets a point but Derek continues with the subject, two seconds left, fuzz starting now.

DN: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid thatís all we have time for. The final score is Kenneth just in fourth place. We heard a lot from you, it wasnít always within playing the game! In second place completely equal Sheila Hancock and Clement Freud. But all trailing quite considerably behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.