JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 February 1973)

NOTE: David Hatch's 100th show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four clever panellists to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is written in front of me. And of course, according to how well they do this they will gain points or their opponents will. Weíll begin the show this week with Sheila Hancock. Sheila can you talk about my favourite drink for 60 seconds starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: I can only say that whenever I am in foreign parts the one thing I long for more than anything else in the world is a cup of tea. That may sound horribly English of me but itís absolutely true. One never gets a proper one-of-those when youíre abroad. There is in fact only one way to make it, and that is by warming the pot first, putting in one teaspoonful for each...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of tea.

SH: Spoonful, teaspoonful.

CF: Tea.

DEREK NIMMO: No, teaspoonful.

NP: No, she said teaspoonful.

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Sheila you have my favourite drink still with 32 seconds left starting now.

SH: For each person and one for the pot. You then have to make absolutely certain that the water...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of pot.

NP: Yes, Clement you have a correct challenge this time. So youíve gained a point and the subject, and there are 25 seconds left on my favourite drink starting now.

CF: My favourite drink is one that I judged to have won the Liberal Party competition for summer aperitifs some time ago. And it consists of champagne, and fresh peaches which are liquidised and added to the previously mentioned effervescent drink. Also a modicum of pear brandy and the result is topped with sprig of thyme and some bayleaf...

WHISTLE

NP: The more he went on, the more intoxicated we all felt!

SH: Are there any more ingredients because we want to make it? Is there anything youíve left out?

NP: Yes but by the time youíve started to taste it, you, you, youíve gone for cover. Clement Freud would you begin the next round please, the subject is pests. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Pests are animals or people of whom others think they have no right to live, or are a disgrace to mankind. I donít in this particular instance want to point my finger of scorn to anyone in my immediate vicinity...

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: ... and ...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was because er... (laughs) Everybody here realised that he must be talking about Kenneth Williams as he sits next to Clement and...

DN: No!

NP: ... and Kenneth was reacting... in such a hilarious way it completely dried Clement up. So... oh thereís a tremendous pause, I appear to have made a delightful faux pas. But anyway I agree with your challenge Derek, you have the subject and you have 38 seconds on pests starting now.

DN: Pests is one of those words that has been watered down through usage over the years. And in fact during the time of the Plague, the pests cart was one which used to take away the bodies that were lying decomposing in the house. And very unpleasant it was. And people used to go around spraying some roses and sing songs like Ring...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two rounds.

NP: Yes.

KW: Was round...

NP: He was speaking so quickly it was difficult to hear whether there were two or not but I think there were...

KW: Used to go round, and they were lying round.

NP: Yes they were lying round, well done Kenneth...

DN: Around actually!

NP: Yes but you were going...

DN: Around and round are two different words.

NP: Yes but you were going so quickly that it was too difficult to judge. And therefore I must be fair...

DN: Are we supposed to speak slowly?

NP: No but youíre supposed to speak distinctly! Ah Kenneth you have the subject and 25 seconds on pests starting now.

KW: Iím not at all sure that I want it because it brings back to my mind...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís challenged. Why?

DN: Deviation, heís speaking quickly!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That is not a correct challenge! Kenneth you have another point and you have 22 seconds on pests starting now.

KW: One of the most horrible of these is the mosquito. And when I first arrived in Calaisanne, they said to me ďyou are on sentry tonightĒ. I went right along the perimeter where I met another soldier and exchanged words. Then this thing, zzzzzzz, hit me, and I in my nerves, lit a fag! Out of the shadows comes this bloke who said ďĒHere! Smoking on duty?Ē I said ďoh no...Ē

WHISTLE

KW: Wait a minute! I...

NP: He didnít want the subject but he kept going magnificently to speak when the whistle went, and gain an extra point, and definitely take the lead over all the others at the end of that round.

KW: Quite right too! Oh marvellous! Yes I should have it!

NP: And Kenneth itís your turn to begin, will you please talk on invitations for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: These come on pasteboard or ivory card as theyíre sometimes known in the trade. And often look very grand indeed. There are some particular snobs who put them on the mantelpiece so that everyone knows what kind of grandeur theyíre to be involved in. I donít do anything of the kind and most of the time I say ďno thank you, I shall be busy!Ē Because Iím having this fag and a cup of tea and thinking about my next move. All of my life really could be called a complicated game of chess in which Iím a Queen or a Bishop...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: I think heís deviating, heís talking about his life, not the invitations.

NP: Yes, youíve gone off invitations, youíre talking about chess and the complications of your life now. They may have been triggered off by invitations but youíve got away from it...

KW: Oh well letís see how marvellous she is, discussing it then! Oh letís hear the wonderful Miss Hancock, BA! Oh yes!

NP: All right, she has 21 seconds to show us how wonderful she can be on invitations, Sheila starting now.

SH: Well one person I wouldnít send one to is Kenneth Williams for a start! All the invitations I get are not on pasteboard or ivory, whatever he said. I get people phoning me up and say ďwhat about coming round with a bottle tonight?Ē Which is the sum total of my grandeur! And Iím sure everybody else in this team apart from our aloof friend over there!

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock was then speaking when the whistle went, so she gains that extra point. And now Sheilaís taken the lead...

KW: Thatís what she was trying to do all along! Didnít you see her game?

NP: Thatís what youíre all trying to do all along, get the lead and win...

KW: Thatís all sheís trying to do! Sheís come here to win! Iíve come here for sportsmanship of having a go. But sheís out there to get marks!

SH: He is going mad, isnít he? He gets odder every week!

KW: Well I havenít taken my coat off yet girl!

NP: No, heís done his (unintelligible) off and weíve all enjoyed it. Um Derek Nimmo we come now to you, your turn to begin, the subject, nerves. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

DN: Nerves are something which most actors possess, particularly if theyíre involved in games like this. Kenneth Williams is one particular actor who gets on my nerves! Thatís beside the point because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you Derek.

KW: Thatís invective! Iím not going to sit here and ...

NP: What is your challenge? Invective?

KW: Yes.

NP: Well thereís no such challenge.

KW: No I meant repetition of nerves, he said nerves twice. Hahahahahahahaha!

NP: Nerves is on the card.

KW: Hahahahahahaha!

NP: Nerves is the subject on the card, you canít have him on repetition, you canít have him on invective, you canít have him on deviation. So he has another point and there are 49 seconds left on nerves Derek starting now.

DN: The Chinese are very clever with their acupuncture. They shove the little needles in to your nerves and I do...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: I donít think itís been proved in fact that they do put them into your nerves. How acupuncture works hasnít yet been proved.

NP: Without phoning up a woman who does it, I couldnít be sure. But my feeling is the same as yours. They donít push the needles into your nerves...

SH: No...

NP: They just push it into the flesh somewhere.

SH: They just, various spots and they donít...

NP: Anybody know anything about acupuncture in the audience who can help us out?

KW: Oh donít ask Ethel! Sheíll go on all night!

NP: All right, Iím not certain but Iím going to give you the benefit... are you certain of that Derek? No! Quite right Sheila, 42 seconds on nerves with you Sheila now starting now.

SH: I when I worked with Kenneth Williams was a gibbering bag of nerves. And I was so desperate that I tried hypnotism on the advice of a very well-known artiste. And I went along to this man and he put a gold pencil up in front of my eyes and said ďwhen I count seven, you will not be awake any longer!Ē

KW: Ooooohhh!

SH: And I counted that number which I just said, and I was! But I felt so ashamed because somebody had said that only insensitive people canít be hypnotised. So I pretended that I was...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: I think sheís talking about hypnotism rather than nerves.

KW: Of course not! Itís all to do with your sensory nerves, you great nit!

SH: It was for nerves.

KW: Go on! Itís lovely! Go on then! What happened?

NP: It is because of your nervous disposition...

KW: Yes! Yes!

NP: ... or the nervous tension from which youíre suffering...

KW: Yes!

NP: Will you shut up Kenneth Williams!

KW: Yes!

NP: That makes you go to a hypnotist which I think Sheila made quite clear. So she has another point and nine seconds on nerves starting now.

SH: Well I was very keen to cure myself, that was why I was there. And anyway this man, he then said ďI am now going to...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you again.

SH: Youíll regret this ícause itís a good story!

KW: You great fool, Nimmo! Fancy interrupting a great story!

SH: Iíll tell you afterwards anyway Ken!

NP: Derek what is your challenge?

DN: Repetition of man.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was a repetition of man. He cleverly got in just before the whistle, three seconds left for you Derek on nerves starting now.

DN: And sometimes at the end of oneís fingers one feels an extraordinary tingling sensation...

WHISTLE

NP: So um Derek was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. But heís still one point behind Sheila Hancock who is still in the lead. Sheila Hancock itís your turn to begin, the subject is fashion. Would you talk to us for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

SH: It was very fashionable at that time to go to hypnotists! And after heíd waved this pencil at me, he then stuck a pin in me and I was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: The subject is fashion and now sheís on to hypnosis.

SH: You wonít let me finish this story, will you?

KW: Oh Iím sorry! I didnít realise you were on the story!

NP: Oh! Finish your story will you Sheila!

SH: No itís very boring now I come to think of it. But I was pretending not to be hypnotised and then he stuck a pin in me and I nearly shot through the roof! He said ďyou wonít feel this because youíre hypnotised and of course I was pretending.Ē

NP: You shouted acupuncture.

SH: Aaaaaaaaahhh I went!

NP: Aaaaaaacupuncture!

SH: Anyway sorry, go on!

NP: Ah you had a correct, a correct challenge Kenneth, so you have the subject. Thank you for finishing the story Sheila.

SH: It was fashionable to go then!

NP: Fifty-two seconds for you now on fashion Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well actually this is a subject Sheila Han-cook could be... Iím sorry! Cook, Iím sorry! Han-cook!

BUZZ

KW: Sorry I said Han-cook!

NP: I know you shouldnít have and I...

SH: Can I just clear this up...

KW: Thatís all right, thatís all right, donít matter whether I call it Han-cook or not! Thatís ridiculous isnít it...

NP: I know!

KW: ...to give me a penalty or a point...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: Itís madness isnít it!

NP: Kenneth! If you make a slip like that, keep going, they may not challenge. Sometimes theyíre generous, sometimes theyíre sporting...

KW: Generous? This lot here? Oh!

NP: Sometimes they donít even hear. But Clement Freud you have a correct challenge and a point and 47 seconds on fashion starting now.

CF: It used to be thought that Paris was the fashion capital of the world. But since those days both Milan and New York have very good claims. And England, London, is coming into its own. You may think it devious to arrive at the tail which you left, but the shops in Oxford Street, let alone the boutiques in Kings Road, Chelsea, not to mention the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so, not to mention and he couldnít think what not to mention! Um so there are 21 seconds now on fashion with you now Derek starting now.

DN: As Lord Chesterfield...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Derek you have 19 seconds on fashion starting now.

DN: A man of parts and fashion is only seen to smile but never observed to laugh. The Prince Regent walking down St Jamesís met one of the gentlemen that I was talking about. And he said ďwhoís your fat friend?Ē Truly because it was a very nasty...

WHISTLE

NP: Now Derek was speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. He has now gone into the lead ahead of Sheila Hancock at the end of that round. And Clement Freud would you begin the next round please, the subject is people like me. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: People like me find it very difficult playing a game such as this. Because one not only has to put up with the astonishingly bright decisions of the chairman. But also at a slight disadvantage being unable, and unwilling I would like to add, to perpetrate the sort of accidents or accents which is really what I meant to have said, on the public as Derek Nimmo, Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams who are all, I believe, members of Equity. And people like me because Iím so generally nice to them. Iíve never ever said anything unpleasant to anyone in my entire life and have no...

BUZZ

NP: And Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: I really honestly canít believe that...

NP: I can...

SH: ...because weíve heard him be pretty nasty.

NP: I can, yes! He never in his entire life said anything unpleasant to anybody? The number of times heís said unpleasant things to me on this programme is enough for you to have more than one point, Sheila, but I can only give you one...

SH: It depends on your definition of unpleasant I suppose!

NP: Yeah but donít get the thing away from you and get it back to him! Sixteen seconds on people like me starting now.

SH: People like me are five foot eight, have mousey hair, grey eyes, are moderately proportioned, have a pretty awful voice and are maligned by everybody on this game. I never say very... unpleasant...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged you then.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes well done Clement. Two seconds to go on people like me starting now.

CF: People like me say things foul...

WHISTLE

SH: What?

NP: So Clement got some points in that round and heís moved forward now just behind Sheila Hancock, whoís just behind our leader whoís still Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth is still in fourth place. But theyíve all got a lot of points in this game. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. Another of these interesting subjects that Ian Messiter thinks of for you, Albert Einstein. Can you talk about that great man for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well as the name gives us the clue, he was German born, became an American national, and spanned the field of nuclear physics. And of course outdates the Newtonian theory of gravitation because he treats of it as a field, rather than a force. That is the great thing to get into your head about the modern theory of relativity. I would say something else about this chap because when it was proved by the astronauts in their remarkable journey to the Moon, much of what he had already predicted. They came to him and told him that and he said...

BUZZ

KW: (in high pitched squeal) ďI knew all along!Ē Well he didnít say it like that but he actually said (in high pitched squeal) ďI knew all along!Ē

NP: But Derek Nimmo challenged you before he said it.

DN: Deviation, he died in 1955, didnít he.

KW: Oh did he? That is interesting! I might have got that wrong!

NP: Well actually they went there to tell it to him, but he wasnít there. Unfortunately he was within his grave. But Derek I agree with the challenge, there are...

KW: It was the son you see!

SH: I knew you were going to say that!

KW: It was the son!

SH: Thatís why I didnít challenge, I thought...

KW: But I keep my countenance, I remain self-possessed!

NP: You hardly ever alter your countenance, do you Kenneth? There are 18 seconds for you on Albert Einstein, Derek, starting now.

DN: As a Swiss citizen he was very fortunate to be working in the patent office...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

DN: No!

NP: No I donít think so, I had to...

CF: No!

NP: I had to deliberate in my mind, because I have to listen for so many things all at once. But er 13 seconds on Albert Einstein with you now Derek starting now.

DN: He also wrote a pot-boiler with a man called Mister Freud. It wasnít a very good book so...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It couldnít have been a Mister Freud. It could have been my grandfather who was Professor Freud, but not Mister.

SH: Oh was it when he was made a Professor? He was Mister before that.

CF: No, no, he was a Doctor...

DN: He was born a Professor, you see!

NP: When he wrote the book, he was not at that time Mister. I think he was...

DN: You can still call somebody Mister if theyíre Professor!

NP: Oh we canít deliberate on such a difficult situation. So we have to give the benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud and...

DN: How often do you talk about his grandfather as Professor Freud? Have you ever heard him called Professor Freud?

NP: No you usually refer to him as his Christian name.

SH: Heís Freud!

DN: Freud!

SH: Freud!

NP: Sigmund Freud or Freud, yes. Ten seconds, with you Clement starting now.

CF: Albert Einstein died in nineteen hundred and fifty-five. And the astronauts who went to...

BUZZ

NP: Um Kenneth...

KW: Itís already been established, I mean, heís just going back over old ground. What heís trying to do is to rub it in that I made what youíd call a cock-up, isnít he? Thatís what heís trying to do!

NP: He always tries to...

KW: This is a disgrace! Itís an absolute disgrace! Because we are all supposed to be working together, pulling together, loving each other! Weíre all supposed to be working in concert here! Are we all really anti? Are we all indulging in this awful undercurrent underneath? Yes itís wicked! Disgraceful isnít it! Weíre all part of the human race! Surely we go along the road of life, holding hands...

NP: Kenneth! You have a point for keeping going on the subject without being interrupted, and Clement Freud has the subject of Albert Einstein with five seconds to go starting now.

CF: At the memorial service, men from all over the world flocked...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud moved forward very rapidly on that round. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is protests, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Iím really getting rather fed up with protests. Not only in this game, but in life in general. It seems to me totally boring that people keep assembling for no particular reason. Interrupting the traffic, disturbing the peace, to protest, to complain about things of very little importance. I am involved with a protest myself against Albert Einstein not being called Professor, by Mister Clement Freud, when he, like his grandfather, had the same rank. Now it seems to me totally unfair that if Sigmund Freud had to be called...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Freud.

NP: You see, they all do it! When they feel piqued about a decision or by something, they have to get back as Kenneth said, a little while ago. No, no, he was trying to get back then, not you! We donít have a...

DN: The subject is protests, is it not?

NP: This is pro...

DN: I was speaking of a...

NP: Yes, very clever! You were protesting, yes, but you didnít say that. Um you have er 24 seconds on protests Clement starting now.

CF: What is so absolutely abysmal is that people in this theatre should be allowed to smoke. Thereís no reason in the world why, when one goes out, one has to put into oneís mouth a filthy piece of nicotine wrapped in paper and puff away at it, invariably lighting it with a match before you do so. I protest most deeply against...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freudís protests against smoking has taken him there, into the lead, and itís a protest that we all echo in Just A Minute. Because if youíre interested we once won the award as the non-smoking show of the year. Sheila, the subject is now yours, my radio. Can you talk to this on that for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: My radio is a source of constant joy to me. Especially as I now live mainly in the country where the television reception is abysmal. I am tuned mainly to the music programme which... wakes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo came in then.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Derek Nimmo, your challenge was correct, you have 47 seconds on my radio starting now.

DN: I awfully like listening to my wireless set. I do find this awfully pleasant for me...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two awfullies.

NP: Yes, there are 42...

DN: Very good!

NP: ... seconds for you on my radio Kenneth starting now.

KW: The great thing about it is that it brings back to me those dulcet tones that I love to hear. I refer of course to my voice!

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, once you...

KW: There was no hesitation at all, you have to let an audience laugh if they wish to! I am not going to talk all through their laughter...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... and deprive them of my dulcet tones!

NP: Youíre quite right, but if youíre going to be...

KW: You heard them! You heard them!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I, if I was going to be very er fair to the rules of the game, I would have to give it to Clement Freud but the audience obviously insist that I leave the subject...

KW: Of course! Their blood is my blood! Always... British to the core!

NP: Ah yes Clement was right, it was a pause...

KW: Theyíve all come to this island and draw sobbing breath beneath...

NP: Kenneth! Kenneth! Kenneth! One has to keep going in Just A Minute. Youíre clever enough to get a laugh from the audience, but you still have to go. That are the rules of the game. But on this...

KW: That are the rules of the game? Oh! That are the rules of the game! Imagine it! I donít know where they pick them up, do you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth, Iíll tell you where I picked them up, Kingís Cross!

KW: Oh an unkind dig!

NP: Youíre all so unkind to me itís all I can do to get my own back, let alone keep my own. The reason I fluffed then with my grammar was because Clement Freud felt he should have the award of a point then. He looked at me in such a way that I wilted because I was going to give it against him even though in the rules of the game I shouldnít. But the audience want me to give it to you and as weíre going towards the end of the show and youíre trailing more than somewhat, youíre going to have it! There we are, in spite of what youíve just said. You have 29 seconds on my radio starting now.

KW: And one of the most beautiful voices I ever heard on it was that of Stuart Hibbert. A man after my own heart because of his essential neutrality in delivery. Now this is one of the most important aspects in public speaking and this (starts to laugh)... I havenít stopped! I was gasping!

BUZZ

KW: I havenít stopped! I havenít stopped!

NP: Clement Freudís challenged you...

KW: I havenít stopped!

NP: I know you havenít but Clement has challenged you, why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

NP: Yes!

KW: I, no, I laughed! I laughed!

NP: I donít mind, last time you were given an almost unjustifiable point. Clement Freud you have a correct challenge and a point and seven seconds on my radio starting now.

CF: My radio picks up station number...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: His radio couldnít pick up anything! All it can do is transmit!

NP: I agree! His radio doesnít pick things up, he can pick things up on his radio. That is correct...

SH: Picks up when?

NP: Kenneth you have four seconds on my radio starting now.

KW: Yes, Clement Freud is a man after my own and almost everybody elseís, but I would say...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, and he did at the end of that round gain an extra point and manage to leap forward from fourth place into third place.

KW: Oh!

NP: But Iím afraid we wonít leap any more in this show because we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So the final score was that Sheila Hancock finished just in fourth place behind Kenneth Williams. He was two points behind Derek Nimmo who was one point behind Clement Freud who is this weekís winner, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.