JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 January 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well as you just heard, once again we have an all male cast. Four clever chaps just waiting to pit their wits, their brains, and their reputation, their ingenuity, their... theyíre looking awfully down at the moment, I wonít go on! Theyíre wishing to pitch everything they have against each other and see whoís going to be most successful this week as they try and speak for just one minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject that I will give to them. And weíre going to start off with a word that I have already used, reputation. And weíre going to start with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, donít look like that please! Can you talk about reputation for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: A man is known by the company he keeps. And it was long ago remarked by an ancient divine that all the public know of a man is his reputation. As to his character, ah, only men of probity and perceptivity could possibly give a definition on that subject. But the great man tells us that...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Thatís a disgrace! I mean whatís he challenging about?

NP: Well weíll soon hear if you keep quiet!

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of man.

NP: Yes!

CF: More than one.

NP: Thereís been more than one man.

CF: Four man.

NP: Thereís been four men actually going through your 23 seconds of dissertation. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of reputation and there are 37 seconds left and you start now.

CF: When I told my elderly housekeeper the other day that I was going, yet again, on Just A Minute, she said ďis that Kenneth Williams on as well?Ē to which I replied ďhe isĒ. ďI have heard of his reputation,Ē she said, ďand it is not good. In fact there is a great deal...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation!

NP: Why?

KW: Oh most certainly! Iíve come all the way from Kingís Cross, and I have to sit here and be insulted! I mean are you going to stand for that? Are you going to agree to that? People saying Iíve got...

NP: Just a minute! Just a minute! Kenneth I would say that on Just A Minute your reputation is good. You may have a bad reputation elsewhere, I donít know...

KW: But this rotten housekeeper...

NP: Just a minute! But this housekeeper was talking about Just A Minute, and I think you have a good reputation on Just A Minute so Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt, say that you have a point for a correct challenge and 20 seconds for reputation starting now.

KW: Me?

NP: Yes!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Iíve got to say hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation.

KW: But I thought Iíd got a point, you see...

NP: You did get the point and the subject...

KW: ...and he was going on.

NP: No, you got a point and so you take the subject. Alas you paused, and so Derek, I agree with your challenge, you have 17 seconds on reputation starting now.

DN: I have the reputation for being awfully quick on the buzzer. I keep my thumb ready to press tremendously hard if I hear hesitation from Kenneth Williams. And this happens quite frequently, so my reputation is confirmed as being tremendously and rapidly, and not to say...

WHISTLE

NP: Um Ian Messiter blows the whistle for us when 60 seconds is up as you um know and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he has two at the end of that round. Clement and Kenneth both have a point, Peter Jones is yet to speak. And the next subject is espionage and Clement Freud we want you to begin on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: It was a farmhouse outside Dieppe in 1943 when 28 Dutchmen were hidden under 16 bales of straw. And at about this time a Spitfire...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, there are no thin Dutchmen so there couldnít be 28 under 16 bales of straw.

NP: (in Dutch accent) Having quite recently come back from Amsterdam, I saw some very thin Dutchmen over there.

DN: Oh.

NP: (in Dutch accent) They have a very thick accent but some of them are quite thin.

PETER JONES: Most of them are Jewish according to you!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think those were the ones hidden under the bales of straw that Clement was talking about. I disagree with the challenge, a very good try. Clement keeps the subject, 47 seconds left on espionage Clement starting now.

CF: The emergency exit of the aeroplane opened, and down came 15 airmen by...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of 15.

NP: Yes there were 15 er chaps er hidden in the bales of hay.

DN: With respect, I hate to agree with Mister Freud, but the number was 16 before.

NP: It was 16 before, yes thatís all right. Iím glad somebody pointed it out to me. Bad luck Peter, well tried. Clement Freud youíve still got the subject, you have a point for a wrong challenge and there are 40 seconds left on espionage starting now.

CF: Unfortunately only 14 of them opened, and 13 men fell to the ground, the last one diving on to a lake nearby. Getting their submachine guns ready, they stormed the building and released each...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, itís not espionage. This was a military attack.

NP: Oh what a clever challenge! Yes but it was concerned with espionage.

DN: No it wasnít, itís a military attack!

CF: You donít know the nationality of the people that came down yet.

NP: Actually no, no Derek, Iím, Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Itís a very difficult thing to make a decision, but he hasnít established that they were engaged in espionage. He only talked about...

CF: Nobody...

NP: Yes?

CF: ... tries to establish that theyíre that! The whole point about espionage... is that itís kept secret!

NP: Youíre absolutely right...

CF: Do you think people have little flags saying ďIím a spyí?

NP: Yes!

CF: Itís a ludicrous decision!

NP: Yes...

CF: If you give it to Derek Nimmo, Iím going to...

NP: It would be...

DN: If you give me your 16 Dutchmen...

NP: I must say, I might say it would be a ludicrous decision whichever way I gave it, because I quite agree with what you said Clement, you are perfectly right, and I quite agree with what Derek said, heís perfectly right. I have to have the judgement and wisdom of Solomon which I do not possess, so on this occasion I gave it against Derek before. Derekís going to have a point for that challenge and there are 25 seconds left for espionage Derek starting now.

DN: Putting my cloak firmly around me and buckling my dagger to my waist, I went off to indulge in a little espionage of a theatrical nature. I went along to see Mister...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two went alongs, repetition.

NP: Yes, two went alongs, espionage is with you Kenneth, you gained a point for a correct challenge and youíve got the subject Kenneth. Are you sure? Right, you have 13 seconds on espionage starting now.

KW: My encounter was with an agent in Copenhagen. And leaning over the table, this beautiful blonde said ďin a few minutes, youíll touch my knickers. Donít look surprised, Iím merely a symbol of British military intelligence.Ē I was flabbergasted...

WHISTLE

NP: I must say to listeners, itís a pity the audience laughed just when they did because I think some of them missed the payoff of Kennethís story which was even funnier than when they laughed. Kenneth you were speaking then when the whistle went so you gain an extra point for that and you are now in the lead Kenneth.

KW: Oh go on! Alongside, I know.

NP: Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo.

KW: Yes!

NP: And ...

KW: I never win! I never do! I try valiantly, but I never win!

NP: But you give such value for money.

KW: Well thatís very nice of you to say!

NP: And you have been known to win handsomely Kenneth. Ah Peter Jones the subject is now with you and the subject is Pluto. Would you talk for 60 seconds on Pluto starting now.

PJ: Not the oil pipeline that provided the engines of war with the precious fluid to keep them going. Nor the Greek god who flourished ah about 3000 years ago in ancient Athens. But the cartoon dog created by Walt Disney and his hundreds of animators which has become popular all over the world. Iím not too keen on it because I think itís taking bread out of the months of hungry actors. In fact Iím not too keen on caricatures and drawings...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two keens.

NP: Yes, itís a pity you werenít keen...

CF: Unless those were the hungry actors!

NP: So a correct challenge Clement. So you have Pluto for 27 seconds starting now.

CF: I also feel that the animated dog was my favourite Pluto. And I preferred him ever and anon to Mickey Mouse and all the characters of whom I was far less fond...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of fond.

NP: Yes you have 13 seconds on Pluto starting now.

DN: Well of course, the one I like most of all is the inhabitant of Hades, a place I have not actually as yet visited. But I feel itís well high on my list. He was a brother of Zeus and they were along there...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point and he now has a lead of one at the end of that round. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. The subject is having a bubble bath. Will you talk about that delightful subject for 60 seconds and you start now.

DN: Well first of all you have to select the kind of bubble that youíre going to bathe in. Personally I like non-vintage champagne. You pour it into a well-plugged bath, then you can get in with it. And also itís rather nice to have a pleasant companion with you, preferably of the opposite sex and you can drink the bath water with huge enjoyment and put on even the tiniest little bit of soap without causing any er ill will or even...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. He hesitated before he said ill will. Any ill will, he said.

NP: Yes he did actually, but it was so slight I donít think you could really call it a serious hesitation. Not serious enough to give you a point for it Peter. Sorry.

PJ: You mean anybody else would have been awarded a point? Is that what you mean?

NP: No, I just gave you a line to come back with.

PJ: Ah I see, yes. Thanks very much.

NP: Thirty-four seconds, er, a wrong challenge um Peter, Derek, so you have a point, having a bubble, a bubble bath, 34 seconds starting now.

DN: Sometimes of course you can have group bubble baths...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

KW: Oh yes you did that then!

DN: When?

CF: The monologue in...

NP: I know!

KW: Oh I was picked up on that a lot, you know.

PJ: I think...

KW: They said he always says of course. Do you remember that? They always picked me up for that.

NP: Well you kept on saying it. Derek hasnít kept on saying it. Anyway I have to be fair and you did say of course more than once Derek. So Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 32 seconds on having a bubble bath starting now.

CF: Of course one of the nicest things about having a bubble bath is when you have this in non-vintage sparkling mozelle, a drink which many people prefer to that which comes from Champagne, Vitaly, Ay or wheresoever. And the great joy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation.

CF: Very fine challenge.

DN: Champagne canít come from wheresoever, because then it wouldnít be champagne.

NP: Actually this is the problem you see, because you can have Spanish champagne.

DN: No you canít.

CF: You canít.

NP: Well itís called Spanish champagne.

DN: Not any more.

CF: Not any more, no.

DN: Thereís been a court ruling.

CF: Champagne can come from three villages in the champagne area...

NP: Would you like to take over Clement Freud? I mean er...

DN: It canít come from wheresoever!

CF: Quite right!

PJ: It can if you buy it from there in the first place!

DN: Mister Freud has kindly agreed with me.

CF: Quite right.

NP: All right so what have you all said? I donít know where we were.

DN: Clayís agreeing with me, I think, actually.

NP: Is he, with you?

CF: I quite agree champagne cannot come from wheresoever.

NP: In which case you...

CF: If wheresoever is anywhere in the world. But it can come, a, from wheresoever you take it from which it can come back.

NP: Clement you are so deviously clever on occasions that I find it almost impossible to give a decision. But if you think that you cannot have champagne that came from wheresoever, you agree with Derekís challenge. So he has 13 seconds on having a bubble bath starting now.

DN: I knew a girl called Elsie, I met her in Bath which is rather appropriate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Bath.

NP: Yes I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for your challenge and you take over the subject and nine seconds on having a bubble bath starting now.

CF: Actually when you have a bubble bath you donít have to be entirely clean and even when you come out of it, if you do not dry yourself you may...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. Heís equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And if you havenít already guessed, I think you can sense this is going to be quite a needle match between these two. Kenneth Williams weíre now going to hear from you and the subject is Sybarus. Can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I guess I would put it at 720 BC, a colony of the Greek city state, situated in the Gulf of Dreda. And itís famous for extraordinary opulence and richness everywhere. And the word is synonymous with that kind of grandeur today. People say if someoneís enjoying all this richness, they say sira, si, er...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh dear!

KW: Oh lackaday, oh rue and woe is me. I was tripped up by me diction!

NP: Better than some other thing to be tripped up by. Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes alas, um so weíll never know what they all say today. Thirty seconds on Sybarus with you Derek, and a point having been gained starting now.

DN: Sybarus was of course also famous not only for the richness and opulence of the inhabitants but for the fact that there were a lot of old poofters who lived there. And they were hugely...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: This word doesnít exist in the English language.

NP: I couldnít quite catch the word actually.

KW: He said a lot of old poofters, and Iíve never heard of this word in the English language. It isnít in the OED and I presume on this game weíre all expected to speak the language of the country. And if it is the OED, I would like you to get it.

NP: Well I donít know that the rules have ever been so precisely defined as to say whether weíve got to use words...

KW: Well then itís high time they were precisely defined!

NP: Oh well Iíll have to ask Ian Messiter to define them and tell me whether we can only words that are in the Oxford English Dictionary...

KW: Well tell me this, tell me this Mister Parsons, do you know what a poofter is?

NP: No, but put it this way, I could make a ruddy good guess! So what Iím going to do is put this question to the audience and see...

KW: Donít put it to them!

NP: Right, so we all decide that the audience are the superior judges in this situation when I have an impossible decision to make. In other words, if you agree with Kennethís challenge...

KW: That the word doesnít exist!

NP: No, thatís not your challenge.

KW: Yes it is, deviation because the word doesnít exist.

NP: All right deviation because the word doesnít exist. You cheer for Kenneth, or you boo Kenneth which means youíre supporting Derek. And will you cheer and boo together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes I think I definitely won there!

NP: I donít know...

KW: Thereís no question about that.

NP: Derek has got a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 21 seconds left on poofters er Sybarus starting now.

DN: These effeminates were then... banned from civilisation...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: This is totally devious, there were no such elements in the population of this city.

NP: How do you know?

KW: Because Iíve read Edward Gibbon.

NP: How does he know? He wasnít there.

KW: Because there was a vast amount of annotation at the time by contemporary historians and if this had occurred, it would be a feature of the age, just as civility was a feature of the Tudor age. And just as decadence was a feature, rightly, I suppose, of the Athenians...

NP: Weíre right off the subject now! Kenneth, my knowledge of Greek history confirms to me that Derek is probably correct. But as the audience have clapped you and obviously wish you to continue with the subject, and Derek has already got a doubtful point on his poofter, we will give you a point and the subject. And there are 17 seconds left on Sybarus starting now.

KW: Many people are called Siberated including of course Pompadour and Cardinal Wolsey who built that fabulous place on the River Thames and was always having the chocolate bonbons...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of bonbons.

KW: He walked right into it!

NP: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, which only Kenneth speaks by, bonbon is a hyphenated word.

KW: Hahah! Hahah! Oh itís marvellous!

NP: And if you hyphenate two words, you surely must be doing it to make them into one word.

CF: And he used it in the plural so the second, the second syllable has an S!

NP: So bad luck Derek, Kenneth has another point and there are seven seconds on Sybarus starting now.

KW: Also the Sun King as he was often...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Yes deviation from the subject. Heís talking about people who are sybaritic rather than Sybarus.

KW: Itís related to the word, innit? You great nit! Oh if we said luxurious that would be related to luxor, wouldnít it. Of course itís related! Oh thereís no deviation there, itís related all right!

NP: Four seconds on Sybarus Kenneth starting now.

KW: Yes and of course there was a whole load...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Ah repetition ...

NP: Of what?

CF: Of of course.

NP: What a pity! Clement you have two seconds on Sybarus starting now.

CF: And the woman came in and said ďsibber is ready...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Kenneth gained a considerable number of points, Clement got the one for speaking as the whistle went, which took him back into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is sleep. Would you talk to us about it for 60 seconds and you start now.

CF: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, that great poet who wrote The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, when mentioning sleep, said ďoh sleep, it is a gentle thing, beloved from pole to the other extremity, to Mary Queen, the praise is given, she brought the gentle sleep from heaven which slid into my soul. These silly buckets on the deck that had so long remained, I dreamt that they were filled with dew and when I woke it rained.Ē I wonít say any more about sleep and the ancient...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Oh yes very clever because he said he...

DN: It wasnít very clever, very obvious, I thought! He just packed up!

CF: Well I...

DN: When he packs up, you buzz, donít you!

CF: I did repeat a word.

NP: He, I thought you were being clever you see Derek. I give you credit for more intelligence than you obviously have.

DN: Yes!

NP: Because you see he was repeating Ancient Mariner and he paused after ancient because he realised he repeated himself and you came in with hesitation.

DN: I see.

NP: There are 28 seconds on sleep with you Derek starting now.

DN: Forty winks, something which I enjoy tremendously really. I donít awfully like counting sheep. I find it particularly boring, Iíd rather...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Well heís talking about counting sheep which suggests that heís awake. Heís talking about not being able to sleep, and counting sheep, heís supposed to be talking about sleep.

NP: Yes well you see, the problem here is Peter, the decisions I have to make! You do try count sheep in order to try and go to sleep. So I donít think heís really deviating from the subject on the card.

PJ: No you donít? Well I think youíve usually got very good taste in matters of this kind. Iím very willing to abide by that decision.

NP: Iím very glad youíre so sporting, the others werenít... (laughs)

KW: Knock it off!

NP: Derek you have 20 seconds left on sleep starting now.

DN: Very important to wear the appropriate clothing if you want to go to sleep. I wear a little hat...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged twice.

CF: Repetition of wear.

NP: Yes.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: So Clement you have 14 seconds on sleep starting now.

CF: To sleep, perchance to dream, ah, thereís the rub. This is what Shakespeare said, or one of his characters was... said to have said...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation because he was repeating himself incessantly! In fact he was almost sleep walking! There are six seconds on sleep with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Something that has continually evaded me! I toss and turn, yearning for that unconscious sleep that...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round the situation is exactly the same as before. Derek and Clement are equal in the lead, a little way behind, only two points is Kenneth. And somewhat further behind is Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin and the subject is hardly anything. Can you talk on hardly anything... yes you may well look like that! I feel like that thinking of some of the decisions I might have to make. Hardly anything starting now.

KW: I suppose this refers to the thing which almost is there and yet not quite. So we say hardly anything when we really mean that a manifestation of something or another has been exhibited. (in Welsh female voice) So of course, this thing can be applied in a sense to an accent. You say ďhardly a tree, hardly a wee...Ē

BUZZ

NP: (laughing) Derek Nimmoís challenged you.

DN: (laughs) Repetition of two hardlys without any anything with them.

NP: Yes but... and close together as well.

DN: Too close together.

NP: Yes. Derek I agree with your challenge, you have a point and 34 seconds...

DN: I had no idea what he was talking about! He always goes into that voice...

NP: Well sometimes he sort of bewitches us with theatrical science by going off into some delicious character that we hardly listen to what heís saying. Thirty-four seconds on hardly anything with you Derek starting now.

DN: Of course if one is indulging in espionage and oneís reputation is at stake, itís very important to talk about hardly anything, particularly if youíre with a lot of old poofters in Sybarus having a bubble bath. Therefore if you find yourself sleeping, you will of course be aware...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition of of course.

KW: Yes yes!

CF: If nothing else I will get people to stop saying of course for pointless reasons in this show!

DN: If you say itís pointless, you donít deserve a point!

NP: And stop then saying it in private life as well...

CF: We have never been courting popularity as I understand...

NP: Derek always makes a note of every subject when I give them to him and he was very cleverly going through them all then. He nearly went up to the bell. Um Clement I agree with of course, there are 15 seconds on hardly anything starting now.

CF: Thereís hardly anything that Iím not prepared to talk about. But in view of the subject which is hardly anything I would have to skirt over such things as I will mention in the next two seconds which is left me by the chairman. Hardly anything is...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud cleverly kept going on a difficult subject right up till the whistle. He gained a point for speaking when the whistle went. And alas if you havenít already looked at your clocks, I must tell you that we have no more time for Just A Minute. So I have to give you the final score. And the situation has been at the end, as you might have guessed, Peter alas is in fourth place. Kenneth was alas in third place. But as it turned out, I said the game looked like being a needle match and I think a very very fair result, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud, equal winners this week, congratulations! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to join us again next time. Until then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.