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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 January 1982)
NOTE: Pete Atkin's first show as producer. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome. And to start the new series, we have our four regular panellists, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones. And as usual they will try and speak if they can on some subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. I will try and interpret the rules as we go along and adjudicate and try and see that fair play. Ian Messiter will keep the time. And we will start the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject that Ian Messiter has chosen to start this one is the best way to lie. And you have 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I’m a great exponent of this. And I can assure you that the best way to lie is to be flat on your back, and ensure that the pillow is not too high. Indeed an osteopath told me that that can cause the most awful problems with the neck muscles. And he assured me that the best way to do it is to have something very thin. The legs should be ideally raised a little at the end so that the blood circulation flows much more easily than otherwise. Of course an eiderdown or a merino wool blanket, luxuriously laid over the body, will ensure that the kind of warmth... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: Ah repetition of ensure. NP: No, he actually said assure before. KW: Yes! Thank you! What a very good chairman! PJ: His diction’s not that good. KW: Yes! Very good! I can see why you’ve got that job Nicholas! Marvellous! NP: So there are 13 seconds for you to continue with the subject, you’ve got a point for an incorrect challenge... KW: Yes! I’ve got a point for that! Yes yes! NP: And you have 13 seconds as I said before starting now. KW: The best way to lie is to do it with great aplomb... BUZZ NP: Kenneth, Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of great. He started with great. NP: Yes he did say great before. I’m sorry Kenneth so that was a correct challenge, repetition there. And Clement Freud takes over the subject, having gained a point, and there are nine and a half seconds left starting now. CF: I have a girl who is six foot tall, sleeps in her kitchen with her feet in the hall. Used to be an old talking blues song... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, that cannot be the best way to lie. NP: No! DN: In a kitchen with your feet through the wall? NP: I would say that’s a marvellous challenge Derek. DN: Yes. NP: It would be most uncomfortable... CF: Would you? Would you really say that was a marvellous challenge? NP: Yes I would! Ian, according to Ian Messiter you have one fifth of a second to take over the subject of the best way to lie Derek starting now. DN: In a foetal position! WHISTLE NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Derek Nimmo who is in the lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you take the next round. The subject, my party piece. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now. PJ: There are strange things done in the midday sun By the men who moil for gold, The Arctic trails have their secret tales That would make your blood run cold, The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, But the queerest they ever did see Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge I cremated Sam McGee. Now... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of see. I let him get on with it, but there were two sees in there. DN: Well I think that’s a trifle mean! KW: Yes I must say that’s very petty isn’t it. DN: Lovely! Exciting! KW: Very petty! DN: I mean, see! NP: What does the audience think? I mean he’s doing his party piece beautifully. SHOUTS OF “YES” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I mean shall I twist the rules and leave it with Peter Jones, or shall I give it to Clement Freud? Cheer for Clement, boo for Peter, all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Right Peter, the boos have it... PJ: Oh really. NP: An incorrect challenge but you still got the subject and a point. Right, no, we must be fair, and give Clement Freud a point... DN: Why? NP: ... because his challenge was correct... DN: Oh. NP: .... but we leave Peter with the subject which is 42 seconds, my party piece, starting now. PJ: Now the aforementioned was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows. Why he left his home in the South, God only knows. He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to grip him like a spell, Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.” On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail. Talk of your cold! Through the parka’s... BUZZ DN: I think you’d better pause. I’ll have a repetition of cold. PJ: Yes a repetition. CF: Oh shame! NP: What’s your challenge Derek? DN: Repetition of cold. But he just, he seemed to be running out, he seemed to be laughing. So I thought I’d help him out. Anyway so it was repetition of cold. NP: It was indeed yes. DN: Of cold. And various other words. NP: Do you want to take over? DN: It was nice though, wasn’t it! PJ: It goes on for about quarter of an hour. NP: Yes. The trouble is they don’t want to laugh at it because they’re listening to see if you’re going to repeat yourself, the audience. PJ: I know! So was I! I couldn’t remember what was coming next! NP: I know! Derek you have a correct challenge and the subject and there are 18 seconds, my party piece starting now. DN: My party piece was always to go and tell jokes to people, which used to produce hilarity and mirth wherever I went. And I also had a ventriloquist’s doll called Kenny Topp... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went, and Derek would you begin the next round. The subject is the dishwasher. Would you talk about that in the game starting now. DN: Well the dishwasher in my household is called Patricia Sybil Anne Nimmo. And she attends to all the dishes that needed to be cleaned. I very seldom enter the kitchen at all. And I regard it as a spectator sport. And she does it frightfully well. I can look at her through an open door, and away she scrubs with pans, and indeed of course dishes and cups and saucers, and cleans them most beautifully. Of course you can buy the electronic kind, and these I believe, most women find preferable. You just put the plates into them, and plug the thing into the wall... water... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. DN: Mmmm? Yes? NP: Yes I think so, definitely Clement. CF: Oh absolutely. NP: You have the subject of the dishwasher... DN: Very good Clay! NP: A point for a correct challenge of course and 25 seconds on the dishwasher starting now. CF: One of the great dangers in my family is that the kids mistake the dishwasher for the television set, neither of which give you anything very compulsive to see, and both show you an amazing configuration of this and that, pots and pans, people, handkerchieves, shirts, collars, whatever gets into the dishwasher... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well you don’t put shirts and things in the dishwasher. NP: No you don’t. Or people either! PJ: Not that shirt you’re wearing! It’s never been in a dishwasher. NP: Anyway Peter, I would consider that deviation anyway if they do. So you have the subject Peter, with six seconds on the dishwasher starting now. PJ: The dishwasher is always underrated, it makes a tremendous contribution to a meal, quite as much as the cook if the flakes... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. He is now equal in second place with Clement Freud, trailing a little behind Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth Williams is trailing a little behind them all. Clement it’s your turn to begin, the subject is the last time I broke the law. That’s a nasty one to have to talk about in the game, isn’t it, but you have 60 seconds as usual starting now. CF: The last time I was accused of breaking the law I... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: He’s not talking on the subject, the last time i broke the law. It’s not the last time I was accused. So it’s deviating from the subject. NP: Oh that’s a very subtle challenge... KW: No, it’s not, it’s absolutely true, it’s deviation. PJ: Yes of course. NP: Right there are 51 seconds for you Clement, having had the benefit of the doubt, for the last time I broke the law starting now. CF: I had the starting handle of my car stuck up its exhaust pipe, and what had happened quite simply was that I had reversed into a hedge and the aforementioned piece of machinery at the rear end of my vehicle had become into the contact with a hedge, as a result of which it was choked and the engine cut out. I opened my boot, took out such implements as there were in the tool kit... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: You can’t keep tool kit in your boot. NP: Why not? PJ: Well in the boot of a car possibly! LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: All right Peter Jones, that round of applause deserves a point, a lovely challenge, but I think we all knew that he meant the boot of the car. PJ: Well it was very ungrammatical in that case. NP: I know. A lovely challenge right, a point to Peter, leave the subject with Clement Freud, and he continues with the last time I broke the law, 27 seconds starting now. CF: And... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree. PJ: Quite right! NP: So Kenneth you got in with 26 and a half seconds on the last time I broke the law starting now. KW: Well I can tell you this anecdote with absolute candour! It really happened to me! As a child, and of course one can be forgiven at that age for doing something silly, I pinched a carrot off... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, I’m perfectly sure that’s not the last time that he broke the law. LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Well how can I judge on that one? KW: Well you can’t, it’s absolutely impossible! That’s why he’s done it! NP: I know. I’ll tell you what, I’ll do the same as I did with Peter Jones. Give Derek a point for a good challenge but leave the subject with Kenneth, which seems the fair thing to do. Fourteen and a half seconds, the last time I broke the law starting now. KW: And following upon what I’ve told you, a friendly constable took me, gave me a cuff around the ear hole, to my parents and presented them with this dilemna. He said... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation, it’s the last time the constable broke the law! It is illegal to cuff people around the ear! NP: Well maybe it is, it is illegal, but we’ve no saying he may not have done it! And in the old days sometime a good cuff from a friendly constable would do far more... KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Well spoken! Well spoken! Yes! Very good chairman, isn’t he! Marvellous! PJ: But he’s... NP: And even if it’s illegal then or now, it doesn’t mean to say it didn’t happen. So... DN: I can’t see that he can be a particularly friendly constable if he’s going round cuffing people round the ear! PJ: Quite! Perhaps round the ears... KW: It would be a lot more friendly to get a cuff round the ear than to spend a night in the jail! NP: If it’s a friendly constable, it would be a friendly cuff, which would put him in his place, you know. PJ: It’s just, just cuffs round the ear and elsewhere from unfriendly constables we have to worry about! NP: Exactly Peter, that’s the point I was trying to make. PJ: Quite. Well I’m glad I made it for you finally! NP: Four seconds for you to continue... KW: And I got a lot of points in there, haven’t I? NP: Oh you’ve got a lot of points. KW: Good, good, good! NP: You’re still in fourth place. KW: Right! NP: But you may get ahead, you still have the subject, the last time I broke the law, four seconds starting now. KW: The last time I broke the law was purely unwittingly in taping a broadcast... WHISTLE NP: And Kenneth with that last point for speaking as the whistle went has really moved forward into second place alongside Clement Freud, only one behind Derek Nimmo, and Peter Jones is only one behind the er Kenneth and er. It’s Kenneth’s turn to begin, Kenneth, the subject John MacAdam. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now. KW: John MacAdam was a name that is redolent indeed of Scotland which is where he came from. His full name, John London MacAdam, invented a special way of building roads which is known today as macadamising. As a successful merchant he went to New York, but returned to take a post at Bristol, inspector of turnpipes, and he remade their roads for them, with a marvellous effect. So much... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of roads. NP: Yes! (laughs) Peter you have the subject with 26 seconds on John MacAdam starting now. PJ: Yes well I think it’s a great pity that John MacAdam started making these roads in a way that wasn’t really as good as the Romans made them. Because there is still quite a number of them in existence now which were made by the aforementioned people 2000 or more years ago... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: The subject is John MacAdam, it’s nothing to do with the Romans. NP: There are eight seconds left for you Kenneth, on John MacAdam starting now. KW: One would think that a man as brilliant as this would have found financial reward from his work with the er... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, you’re rotten! When Kenneth hesitates, you all laugh! And Clement’s got in with one second to go on John MacAdam starting now. CF: Born in Ayr... WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud has taken the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, and Peter Jones one behind those two. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, experts. Will you tell us something about experts in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well the extraordinary thing about experts to my mind is that they very rarely agree. Particularly when they are under oath. If one has to give ah evidence... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation, ah evidence. NP: Yes I’m afraid there was Peter. There are 49 seconds for experts with you Derek starting now. DN: To my mind, one of the greatest experts in the art of comedy is Kenneth Williams. To see that man wander across a stage, using every muscle of his body to provoke hilarity and mirth, is a great joy and treat for everyone that beholds it. The way that he can... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I’d like not to be included in the last remark! LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, CF AND THE AUDIENCE PJ: Anyway it’s supposed to be in the plural. He’s talking about one expert! You see, Derek, an expert, he’s supposed to be talking about experts. NP: Well he’s given an example of one expert, no, no, no, he’s not deviating. I’m going to give you a point for your challenge because you... PJ: I’m not concerned with points! I’m concerned with the sense of the thing! NP: Are you? PJ: Yes. NP: I’d stick to the points if I were you! Peter you get a point for that and Derek continues with experts, starting now. DN: I seem to remember reading a book, a small volume it was, about, called The Expert, about a man who sat on the lavatory a great deal. Is that right? Do you remember the thing? And it was a man who, oh I said man twice... BUZZ NP: Yes Clement Freud yes. Yes Clement? CF: Ah he said man twice. NP: Yes he did. I think you’re searching for a book called The Specialist. DN: Oh, The Specialist, that was it, yes. NP: Right there are 21 and a half seconds for you Clement on experts starting now. CF: The specialists are of course experts. And the person who wrote the book about which Derek Nimmo was speaking thought that having a lavatory door which opened out was a considerable mistake, especially if there was no lock on the door. He came to a substantial... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Two doors. NP: Yes. Well done Kenneth, well listened, six seconds for you on the subject of experts starting now. KW: One of the greatest experts undoubtedly was John MacAdam. And I was trying to get in earlier on so I could be informative... WHISTLE NP: Well they all got points in that round and Kenneth got the extra one for speaking as the whistle went. And they’re keeping neck and neck. In fact Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are equal, two points ahead of Peter Jones. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, diversions. There are 60 seconds on that as usual starting now. CF: Diversion is exactly what happens when John MacAdam goes wrong. The macadamisation of roads is such that pavements collapse, potholes occur, and cars have cones put in front of them in order to divert into a lane which it had not previously intended to use for its vehicular access. If you drive up the M1, Five, Six, not to mention Two, 22 and 62, there are... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Three twos are six. CF: No, 22 and 62. NP: They’re hyphenated. Yes I suppose... CF: They’re not even hyphenated. NP: What? CF: They’re not even hyphenated. Twenty-two is written as one word. NP: Well it depends who is writing it, doesn’t it? If, if the... PJ: Well anybody who does joined-up writing! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE CF: And that... DN: That lets out the chairman of the team! NP: Well um Ian Messiter sitting beside me has said that er he, he agrees on that fact, and whether it’s hyphenated or not, you don’t have a repetition there. So Clement you keep the subject and there are 28 seconds on diversions starting now. CF: If you want to go to Bournemouth from London, Exeter is not a good town to pass. And diversions through that city would be a m-m-m-major mistake. M-m-m-somebody should have challenged... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, yes. DN: Well he sort of settled down with a lot of mumbling hasn’t he really. Ma-ma! NP: Yeah I think he’s, to use the phrase we’ve used before, he’s packed in really! And I don’t know why he was so keen to get the subject back. So anyway Derek you have got a point on this occasion and you take over the subject of diversions with 45 seconds starting now. DN: Last week I was travelling to Birmingham, along the M1, and I was diverted near Newport Pagnell, and the road took me right through One, up through Woodstock Eves, round a little village called Eastern Mordith, through Beaujet... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Well he said through three times. NP: He did indeed Peter, well done. And you’ve got in with three quarters of a second to go on diversions starting now. PJ: One of the most pleasant... WHISTLE NP: So they’re all keeping very close in this game. Derek Nimmo, the next round please is with you and the subject is the crow’s nest, there are 60 seconds and you start now. DN: We set sail from the Yacht Club near the Star Ferry in Hong Kong. Passed Lantow, Chunchow, around Llama Island and sailed through the South China Sea... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: We’ve had a lot about sailing but not a word about the crow’s nest. It seems to me to be outrageous. I mean, after all, the subject is the crow’s nest. And it hasn’t been mentioned. NP: No, he was talking about sailing for 10 seconds... KW: Yes. NP: ... without mentioning the crow’s nest... KW: Quite right! DN: You can’t, you’ve got to get the boat going! KW: No, we’re not interested in a lot of argument! DN: What’s the point of climbing up the crow’s nest in the harbour? You’ve got to set sail first. NP: Well I think in 60 seconds... KW: You’ve got to get it in, yes. Exactly! NP: Within 10 seconds, you’ve got to... KW: You’ve got to get it in, in 60 seconds! NP: ... establish the subject I think. So Kenneth I agree with your challenge, 50 seconds on the crow’s nest starting now. KW: I saw some crows building a nest in a load of trees. And I thought “well what remarkable...” BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: They wouldn’t build in a load of trees! NP: They’d build in one tree, wouldn’t they? CF: A load of crows. A load of crows would. NP: A load of crows! (laughs) PJ: A load of trees! Not good! NP: All right... DN: You can only have a load of trees if you’re on the back of a forest. NP: We grant you the load of crows and the load of trees, all right. You’ve got to keep going somehow in this game, you mustn’t be too severe on them. Forty-four seconds um Kenneth still with you on the crow’s nest starting now. KW: Seeing them fly out of their habitat, I was interested to notice the wing span of the crow. Now do you know it can be as much... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, he’s left the crow’s nest and looking at birds in flight, so it’s deviation. As much as I hadn’t climbed up into my crow’s nest, because we were sailing out of Hong Kong Harbour. NP: All right, showing that I like to try and be fair, yes, he got you on that point so we’ll let you have him on the same point. And you take the subject back and there are 33 seconds left starting now. DN: Standing aloft in the crow’s nest, I find an albatross floating overhead, and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation, albatrosses don’t float. NP: He said flying overhead. CF: No, he said floating overhead. PJ: Yes he said floating. DN: They float when they’re near like that, it’s called floating in the air. CF: Boats float, the albatross flies. DN: You say floating in the air. NP: Oh I think, I think that’s, you know, colloquial phrase that’s yes... PJ: Yes. NP: ... descriptive, descriptive dialogue which I think that’s a bit of a harsh challenge. So Derek... PJ: Well no it’s a Russian expression, Aerofloat! You’ve heard of that! Floating in the air. NP: Yes but they pronounce it flot. PJ: Do they? NP: Right Derek, you still have the subject, 18 seconds for crow’s nest starting now. DN: Like the ancient mariner of old, I fumbled in my pocket, and brought out a piece of bread which i chucked high. And this great creature swung around towards me, picked it up with its beak, and flew into the far distance, towards the South China Sea... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo managed to keep going till the whistle went, gained the extra point in and has taken the lead again. And Kenneth your turn to begin, and the subject, very aptly after all that is fantasy. So can you tell us something about fantasy, it occurs enough in Just A Minute, but can you talk on it in 60 seconds starting now. KW: I have this fantasy, they say to me “you can take over”. And I am give these wonderful robes and an orb to hold, and a sceptre. And I wield my mighty sway over millions who rush to do my bidding and obey my slightest whim. I’ve become a cult! An enormous great cult figure... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of cult. NP: Yes he knew... KW: You can’t have enough of the cult! NP: In Just A Minute, I’m afraid we can, and er Clement has a correct challenge and 31 seconds for him to talk on the subject of fantasy starting now. CF: My fantasy is to go to China and go to the top of a crow’s nest and watch an albatross float past. It’s a very odd thing when birds cease to fly, stop to swoop, no longer do what those animals normally perform but... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Well I thought it all came to a halt, a juddering halt. NP: Yes I know, it’s when they try to get back at each other, because they, they didn’t, weren’t given the challenge previously. Um 10 seconds are left for you Kenneth to take over the subject of fantasy starting now. KW: Perhaps one of the greatest fantasies was that one which was envisaged by people like Hitler and Mussolini, that you could rule the world, and have a sort of... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: I don’t know who these people are, who were like Hitler and Mussolini! CF: We would have heard of them had they existed! PJ: I think we might have done, yes! KW: It’s perfectly reasonable to say people like Hitler and Mussolini. Genghis Khan was another one, they were all people who had world dominion as their aim! That’s perfectly reasonable! What are you talking about? You great dunderheaded fool! How dare you interrupt me! NP: Well I was still going to give it to you Kenneth... KW: Oh thank you, excellent chairman! NP: I think I should also give Peter, as it’s the last round, a bonus point for a good challenge, because it was nice hearing from him again and we’ve only got one second to go... DN: How patronising! PJ: Isn’t it patronising! DN: Really patronising then! NP: You try and be a chairman without being patronising. KW: Hear hear! It’s a very difficult job! And you keep it, the ball rolling beautifully, I feel! NP: Well Kenneth, you’ve only got half a second to talk on the subject of fantasy starting now. KW: The fantasy is seen... WHISTLE NP: And so as I indicated this was not only going to be the last round, it was to be the last round, so it is also the end of the contest and the end of the show alas. But let me give you the final score, very close throughout as I indicated. Peter Jones finished in fourth place, only just one point behind Clement Freud who was three points behind this week’s joint winners, Derek Nimmo with Kenneth Williams! KW: Oh! NP: Thank you very much, we hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and want to tune in again the same time next week when we go on into the series, with the number two, thanks to your wonderful reaction and we will continue from that point. Thank you again for listening and from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin. |
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