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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 July 1973)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we welcome back those four most experienced male competitors of the game. And we’re going to ask them to speak, as usual, without hesitation, without deviation and without repetition. And the first show Ian Messiter’s thought of for this show is making a spectacular entrance. And who better to do it than our own Kenneth Williams. So Kenneth, will you start with that subject, 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: It’s appropriate I’ve been asked to speak on this subject for 60 seconds because I have made some spectacular entrances in my time. One of them consisted of a sort of harness apparatus which went round my truss, and I was lowered on to the stage as an angel. Well the place went mad! They clapped, they cheered, they threw things, nice of course, nothing uncomplimentary at all or discomplimentary, whatever the word is... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged you. CLEMENT FREUD: Good evening. Ah repetition. NP: Of what? CF: They. They clapped, they cheered, they... NP: Yes you let it go quite a long time, didn’t you. You challenged actually on the clamour when they said disclamour and clamour... CF: No, I wanted to hear what else was coming. NP: All right, we usually let the theys go by. But you came in on it and as he did say they three times, we have to give you a correct challenge. A point for that, you take over the subject Clement, and there are 26 seconds left starting now. CF: One of the most exciting ways of making a spectacular entrance is to throw in your clothes, one after the other, prior to taking the stage. Your shoes is immediately followed by your sock, and then shirt, pants, vest, hat, tie, collar, jacket, shoe... BUZZ NP: And er Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of shoe actually. He kicked off with the shoe if you know what I mean. NP: Yes but if he hadn’t paused, I think he might have got away with it actually! Derek a correct challenge, a point to you, and the subject with three seconds to go, making a spectacular entrance starting now. DN: I once made the most spectacular entrance when I was playing a fairy... WHISTLE NP: Well as you know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. Derek Nimmo getting in with three seconds to go achieved that, so he has a lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round and the subject is my feelings. Very apt subject for you at any time and would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now. CF: My feelings are very easily hurt. Only the other two... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, it’s not true, he’s as tough as nails! NP: Well this is one of those impossible situations where I refuse to have to judge and make a personal... DN: Hard as old boots, he is! NP: Er personal judgement on someone’s personality... DN: Put it to the audience! NP: So I ... I would like you to decide whether you think that Derek’s challenge is justified and that Clement Freud’s feelings are hard as old boots. And if you agree with Derek’s challenge would you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Clement they love you today! So they’re with you, they don’t think you’re as hard as old boots. You have my feelings, 55 seconds left starting now. CF: For instance when a nonconformist Bishop came up to me and said “what is the difference between...” BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well you can’t have a nonconformist Bishop. Deviation! CF: He said he was a nonconformist Bishop. DN: Well you didn’t say that. There aren’t any nonconformist Bishops in the Church. NP: Yes you didn’t establish he said that. You did actually say when a nonconformist Bishop came up to me. Don’t look as if you’re being slighted! I think it was a good challenge. CF: Did you want me to demand the proof of his identity? I mean... NP: No, there’s a great deal of one-upmanship, and I’m getting, sort of, all tense about it, because it’s going to be all four against the chairman in a minute, I know. I’ll give Derek the subject now for a correct challenge and there are 49 seconds left, my feelings Derek starting now. DN: My feelings cannot be hurt. I am as tough as old boots, unlike old Grandpa Freud over there, who is a very tender petal indeed. And those of us who look at him tonight can see him with that wonderful smile... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: Hesitation. NP: I would agree Peter, yes. DN: So would I! Absolutely right! Jolly good decision! NP: So Peter’s in and he has 36 and a half seconds on my feelings starting now. PJ: MY feelings include those marvellous tingling ones, when one dives into ice cold water from a very high board. And also of course the wafting of the sun drenched air as you (laughs) stand on a rock after this marvellous immersion... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I thought a sort of devi, I mean hesitation in the middle of the little laugh. KW: No, it was lovely, He was going beautiful. PJ: Thank you very much. NP: Oh no I don’t think he hesitated, I think he deviated on his sun waft air or whatever it was. PJ: Yes, quite, I thought that wasn’t the best choice of words. KW: All that gentle wafting of the sun, it was nice! NP: I agree... PJ: In the circumstances of playing the game, and everything... KW: I thought it was quite poetic, I thought it was lyrical indeed, I was quite impressed by you! PJ: Well thank you very much. NP: Will you two shut up! And let’s get on with the game... KW: Oh I’m sorry! NP: I disagree with Derek’s challenge... KW: A nice way to talk to somebody who’s come all the way from Great Portland Street! NP: Peter I disagree with the challenge of hesitation, so you keep the subject, another point and you have 20 seconds left starting now. PJ: Then there is the pain of the pebbles... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged then. DN: Ah I don’t think there is, I didn’t care for it terribly much! PJ: Didn’t like it? NP: You didn’t like it? So what are you challenging on? DN: Deviation. PJ: Well I wasn’t catering for you! NP: No, I would have given you hesitation there, but not deviation. DN: All right, no. NP: So Peter has another point, he keeps the subject, and there are 17 seconds, my feelings starting now. PJ: Pain of the pebbles as they bite into the soles of your feet which can be really extremely un, unpleasant um... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged again. DN: Repetition of un un. I must have one that time! NP: I like the score, I will give it to you Derek and you have nine seconds on my feelings starting now. DN: My feelings too can be aroused by the sunshine and the sea and the cool fresh air of a lovely spring day in this beautiful country of ours, we should be proud of it... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo not only er talked about feelings but he demonstrated them to the applause of the audience and increased his lead at the end of that round. And now we have a very simple subject so just concentrate while I read it out to you. The subject actually is for Peter Jones to begin with, probably because his name is Jones and it sounds Welsh. And the subject is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I’ve just been handed a five pound note by Ian Messiter because he bet me that I wouldn’t be able to say it! All the Welsh people are now phoning in saying I haven’t said it! well, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch... PJ: But it’s unfair because it’s not in English. I mean this is an English programme! NP: Well all right, talk about it, 60 seconds starting now. PJ: (goes into Welsh sounding gibberish) That was the first word of Welsh that I ever heard as I was standing on the railway station of this rather nondescript little town with the extraordinary name that Nicholas has made a very good stab at pronouncing. Now I was on the Cambrian railway initially before I changed trains. And there... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of railway. NP: Yes. DN: Railway station, Cambrian... KW: Oh, most unworthy! NP: But I’m afraid... KW: Well it was getting most interesting what he was doing on this railway station! Can’t he give us a bit more! PJ: Well if you do sort of repeat something... NP: He could give us a lot more but I think we’ll have to hear from Derek as it was a correct challenge. Derek, 33 seconds on Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch with you now. DN: Thank you very much for giving me the subject of llanfair and lots of other things, gogogoch at the end. I did think it’s a very nice one to get because it does produce quite the longest railway ticket in the British Isles. It’s something that come, people come all over... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes there was, I suppose repeating the thing like that was hesitation as well. Clement I agree with the... DN LAUGHS NP: Well he hesitated... DN: That’s a very interesting rule! If you repeat something, it’s hesitation! I must remember that! I must write it down! NP: The way you repeated it was hesi... oh shut up! Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 21 seconds on Llanfairpwllgwyn... oh I’ve got to start again! Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. I get quicker every time, have you noticed that! My... do you know what it means? CF: It means um little church by the stream neat the house not far from the brook over the hill... NP: Merry widow comes in somewhere! Merry widow, little church, yes, well done but you weren’t going, I hadn’t said now actually. There are 21 seconds on that subject Clement with you starting now. CF: This almost unpronounceable Welsh village means little house by the brook near the stream not far from a widow. And the first time I ever went there... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition. NP: What? PJ: Well he’s just told us that a moment ago! He did, it was terribly boring the first time and it’s even worse the second. NP: But unfortunately Peter, he wasn’t actually, the clock wasn’t actually going the first time. PJ: Well that’s not my fault if you’re not up with it! NP: It wasn’t accurate you know. PJ: It wasn’t? NP: No. PJ: No, I know he got the house in the wrong place, it’s the other side of the er... NP: Actually Peter, as Derek challenged you and his first challenge I wouldn’t allow, he did not actually repeat himself though you could have had him for deviation. But I’m afraid you didn’t, so Clement gets a point for that, there are 11 seconds on that er place Clement starting now. CF: So I wrote to the Automobile Association and said “how is it that I get there?” And received a plan... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: It’s a railway station! You go by rail! There’s no point in writing to the Automobile Association! NP: Well you could write to the Automobile Association, they could give him instructions on the... PJ: Well you could write to the Anti Vivisection Society if you wanted! NP: I know you could! And you wouldn’t be deviating from the subject on the card! PJ: Of course you would! It’s absolute rubbish! NP: No, you can write to anyone... PJ: The Automobile Association is the first thing he thought of, because he parked his car on a yellow line, and he knows he’s in trouble! NP: But the Automobile Association... I don’t think he was deviating from the subject on the card within the rules of the game. He has five seconds on Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch starting now. CF: Proceed along the A41 in the direction of... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of A. AA and A! NP: Oh! A clever challenge and a wicked one. Give him a point for a wicked challenge, leave the subject with Clement Freud who continues with two seconds, two and a half seconds to go starting now. CF: Hemel Hampstead... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round the situation is that Clement Freud got quite a few points on Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and um he increased his position. He’s now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo, they’re both ahead of Peter Jones, who’s in quite a good second position and Kenneth Williams is in third position, not having yet scored. CRIES OF “AWWWWWW” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Awwww! But he’s been heard to good effect. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is Greece. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. DN: It’s something I don’t awfully like on plates, but I do like when I find it in the Mediterranean. The wine dark sea, as I sail across in my kayaki with two bronzed sailors at the prow. (starts to laugh) I’m looking... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Ah either repetition of hahaha... DN: No... CF: Or hesitation... KW: Very good, all these bronzed sailors! Where’d you get them? What’s the matter with you? NP: What is your challenge of hahaha? I’m not going to allow it. KW: No! CF: Deviation, deviation from normal... KW: It’s disgraceful! You’ve no right to disagree with the chairman! You can’t disagree with the chair like that! NP: No, he was, he was speaking while he was laughing, I don’t think he said hahaha. KW: Yes! CF: So that’s good is it? NP: No, it may be not good. It may be bad, it may be anything, but he kept going. He didn’t hesitate so he keeps the subject, there are 35 seconds on Greece Derek starting now. DN: I really do like their food enormously. There’s stuffed peppers and vito aubergine and lovely little vine leaves which have got things thrust into the middle of them, in a similar way to what... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: The things in the middle are wrapped with vine leaves. I mean you don’t get a vine leaf and stuff something... NP: No, no, that’s a very good challenge Clement, I agree with it. And you have 25 and a half seconds on Greece starting now. DN: It depends how you make it! BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation, he didn’t start, did he! NP: And Derek, the reason he didn’t start is because as I was saying you start now, you actually spoke which inhibited him from starting. And actually it was only half a second because I had said 25 and a half seconds and Ian has stopped it, the clock, and it is exactly 25 seconds left. So I disagree with that challenge and Greece is still with you Clement starting now. CF: In the main square at Athens, which is the capital of Greece, there stands a hotel called The GB or Grand Britannia, where most of the Ambassadors, crowned heads, nobility of European and foreign capitals, countries, continents and dominions... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, he’s just going on and on, listing all these places to pad it all out so he can win! I mean it’s nothing to do with Greece, going on about the dominions and all these other places! NP: No, the dominions is very devious! KW: It’s deviation! NP: Yes... KW: So therefore, I should take the subject over. NP: Well said Kenneth! And it is obvious that the audience agree... KW: Yes. NP: So you have eight and a half seconds on Greece starting now. KW: I arrived there on a sunny afternoon and was terribly high on this uzo, which I didn't know about but apparently is a very strong aperitif... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams got in then just before the whistle, kept going till the whistle went, gained two points and he’s still in fourth place! But um by the way the lead is still held jointly by Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject, Horatio Bottomley. Would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well I only know what everybody else knows about it. He was brought up, I believe in the East End, and started this... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, I don’t know that. He said everybody else knows it, I don’t know that. NP: It doesn’t matter whether you know it or not, it’s a figure of speech which he used for starting his talk on Horatio Bottomley... DN: Oh I see. NP: I consider that challenge had no connection so he gets a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject and there are 53 and a half seconds left, Horatio Bottomley starting now. KW: Well he began this newspaper and then formed various companies and was accused of fraud. And they had this trial and he got off and then he became a MP. And then he applied for... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: That’s five ands. NP: Yes it was five ands. KW: Well if you’re going to criticise people for repetition of parts of speech, it’s going to be ludicrous. NP: It’s going to be very difficult. But don’t say and any more, we won’t charge anything, and keep going Kenneth on Horatio Bottomley, 40 seconds starting now. KW: Well there isn’t much more you can say about Bottomley... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Then shut up! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Which is what you usually say Kenneth! I thought his challenge was going to be there’s an awful lot more you can say about him. So er what is your real challenge Clement? CF: Just that! NP: Well that’s not a correct challenge within the game so Kenneth keeps the subject and there are 37 and a half seconds starting now. KW: He was indicted at the Old Bailey on charges of embezzlement and sent to prison. He came out... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones, Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Er... NP: Repetition of and? PJ: Was it? NP: Well obviously, I wouldn’t allow it when Clement did it, I wouldn’t allow it when Derek did it, I can’t allow an and when Peter Jones does it. You’ve got the subject still... KW: Thank you very much. NP: And there are 27 seconds on Horatio Bottomley with you Kenneth starting now. KW: The man had rung all these incredibly vast business institutions and thousands of pounds... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of business. NP: Mmmm? DN: Repetition of business. NP: Yes you did mention business before. KW: I didn’t! NP: Did he say business before audience? KW: Of course I didn’t! SHOUTS OF “NO” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You’re partisan aren’t you! They want you to.... SHOUTS OF “NO” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: All right! Don’t make it a rabble! Who are you, Rent-A-Crowd? All right, the audience decided they want you to keep this subject whatever happens through to the bitter end. You’re on your Bottomley, I mean Horatio Bottomley and there are 22 seconds left starting now. KW: So from this great wealth, this position of influence and prestige, he was reduced to a position which was... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of position. NP: Yes, you did have too many... KW: Well he had so many positions! You see... NP: Derek this time I can’t er find any way to leave it with Kenneth, and you have 12 seconds on Horatio Bottomley starting now. DN: He was... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation! Very slow off the mark! KW: I agree! I agree! Absolutely! I agree! I absolutely endorse that! NP: Shut up Kenneth! I don’t think he was slow off the mark... KW: Oh dear! NP: And I wouldn’t allow it when he did it to Kenneth a while ago! So Derek you keep the subject and there are 10 seconds on Horatio Bottomley starting now. DN: Horatio Bottomley was educated at Harley School, Old Harlsdon in Oxfordshire... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: This is not the Horatio Bottomley we’re discussing! This is the old gag of his to pretend that he knows one and making it all up. NP: We can’t prove he doesn’t know a Horatio Bottomley who went to this school in Harlsdon. PJ: And he can’t prove he does! NP: No! So we’re in the impossible situation of having to play it Derek Nimmo’s way because he hasn’t deviated from the subject on the card which is Horatio Bottomley. KW: No, you said it had to be proved! In fact when you said... NP: You can’t either prove it or disprove it so he keeps the subject... KW: You said he couldn’t spend the night in jail... NP: It’s still with Derek Nimmo on Horatio Bottomley starting now. DN: The Horatio Bottomley that I’m talking about, his real name was Nelson Potman. But to be very funny they called him Horatio Bottomley which made all the children laugh enormously... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. He increased his position, he’s now in the lead ahead of Clement Freud. But Kenneth Williams has leapt forward from fourth to third place ahead of Peter Jones. And Clement Freud you begin the next round and the subject, very aptly after all that’s just gone on before, is bother. DN: Who? NP: Can you talk on bother for 60 seconds starting now. CF: My first job in the British Broadcasting Corporation was to listen to tapes of other performances, and plays all sorts of records, tapes, and delete such filth as the word bother so that the thing could become suitable for all family listening. And bother played a very important part in my life as a result. Hell and damn in those days were perfectly acceptable words, but not bother. I remember particularly... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well hesitation, he’s speaking tremendously slowly. NP: I don’t think he was going slowly, I think he was getting very devious. DN: Well deviation. NP: In the days when the BBc wouldn’t allow bother, they certainly wouldn’t have allowed damn and hell. But you didn’t challenge on that so... DN: I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I know how sensitive he is! NP: So 30 seconds still with you Clement on bother starting now. CF: My children, when I asked them if they knew Derek Nimmo, said “oh yes, he appears in a programme called Oh Bother. And when I explained that actually it should have been Brother, they said that isn’t the man I meant, I felt it was Peter Jones. “No, no,” I said no twice... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: He condemned himself. NP: He condemned himself. Fifteen seconds, or 14 and a half on bother with you Derek starting now. DN: If I get a great big hammer in my hand and belt it on top of my thumb, I go “oh bother!” And “pish” I say sometimes if I’m not careful. And occasionally something worse than that. And I push my hand over my mouth... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Five ands. NP: Well as Kenneth, I would not allow it against you from all the other three, I’ve obviously got to allow you to have it against them! KW: No, it was just a trick. I was just trying it on, I didn’t really mean it. NP: Well I think that... KW: He was doing very nice. NP: I’ve been giving and your way all the time, so we’ll have four seconds on you on bother starting now. KW: It’s when you’re irritated by anything in this world, you tend to regard... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round, Kenneth Williams moved forward. He’s one point behind Clement Freud, and Clement is still about five points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones would you begin the next round, the subject is when I was very small. Will you talk on that for one minute starting now. PJ: When I was very small, everything around looked enormous by comparison. And tablecloths appeared to be just a few inches above my head, as I tottered about playing with a ball or rattle or... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: I don’t wish to know that! Hesitation! NP: Yes! Strange place to hesitate wasn’t it! Um, 44 seconds with you Derek on when I was very small starting now. DN: When I was very small, I had a wendy house. It was in my garden. I used to retire there with all sorts of chums and we’d play games like hospitals and nurses and things. And quite near a railway line, we used to pop out and look at the puffer trains going by. I also had a teddy bear called Bobby, and this never left my side until I was called up and had to become a soldier. And the Sergeant Major wouldn’t let me take it with me. But I spent a very happy childhood because I was very small. In fact so tiny was I that people used to look at me in the street and say “what a ne’er do well nothing tiny creature you are...” BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of tiny. NP: Repetition of tiny. Yes you were a bit too tiny I’m afraid. And so Clement spotted it and he has the subject now and there are eight and a half seconds on when I was very small Clement starting now. CF: When I was very small I had a particularly good joke which was to ask people why do hummingbirds hum and the answer was because they don’t know the words... WHISTLE NP: He just got his joke in before the whistle went, speaking at that particular moment gained him the extra point. But I’m afraid he didn’t manage to catch up on Derek Nimmo and as we have no more time I must give you the final score. Peter Jones, in spite of a great flurry at one point, unfortunately finished in fourth place, a little way behind Kenneth Williams who with magnificent style and panache, saying and um with a great help from the others, came in third place, just three points behind Clement Freud. But he was four behind this week’s winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here, good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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