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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 January 1979)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have our four regular competitors of the game competing tonight, showing off their verbal dexterity and wit as they try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on a subject I will give them. And they have to try and do it without hesitating, without repeating themselves or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with the one and only Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, would you talk on the subject of getting started, something very apt for Just A Minute and would you try and do it for 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Getting started for me meant auditioning at the Victoria Theatre in Singapore. It was used during the day for the hearings of war crimes tribunals. A load of Japanese were dragged in there, and then of course, we appeared at night to do these shows. Rushing on with my impersonations of Susette Tari and Winston Churchill which went like a bomb! People said "it is like done as to the manor born". And I made famous the expression (in Winston Churchill voice) "on the beaches, on the landing ground, anywhere, we will never... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged you. PETER JONES: Repetition. NP: Of what? PJ: Well, during that Susette Tari impersonation, I think he repeated a sound. NP: A sound? PJ: Yes... NP: There’s many sounds... PJ: I couldn’t distinguish, I couldn’t distinguish the words. NP: No, well, of course, the thing is it is only the words, and as I couldn’t make it out either, we can’t actually have repetition of sounds, otherwise we’d never get anywhere. So Peter I consider that’s an incorrect challenge... KW: Very good chairman! Very good judgement! You’re on the ball tonight, I can tell you! There’s no flies on ‘im, is there? Eh? Oooh, very nice! NP: Whenever you’re winning, I’m doing well, and when it’s the other way round, I am the worst chairman in the business aren’t I! Kenneth, you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, there are 15 and a half seconds left and you start now. KW: Getting started is rolling up my sleeves, getting out the dusters and then shoving it down the loo... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Well I thought I’d like to get started as well. KW: What are you talking about? You’d like to get started? It’s not your go! DN: I haven’t said anything yet! NP: He thought he’d get started in your go! DN: Get started! NP: Yes well sorry Derek, yes obviously we’d like to hear from you, we have heard a lot of Kenneth, but I’m afraid it was an incorrect challenge... KW: Quite so! Yes! NP: So he has another eight seconds for getting started, starting now. KW: Getting started means... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: I’m sorry, that was a total mistake, I withdraw my challenge immediately. I’m so sorry, I do beg your pardon. KW: Why don’t you go away somewhere and... get yourself an education? Become literate or something... NP: He’s only just flown in from Australia... KW: I’ve come all the way from Great Portland Street, and I’m sitting here... NP: Kenneth... KW: Being treated like a load of rubbish! NP: You’re not, you’re treated with great respect... KW: Do I look like a load of rubbish? CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Oh thank you! That’s nice! That is from the audience! NP: You must realise that Derek Nimmo has only just flown in and 30 hours non-stop... KW: You keep plugging the fact that he’s flown in... NP: Well, he’s got jet lag! He hasn’t got into the game yet. KW: Of course he’s flown in! We all know that! He couldn’t have flown out, could he! NP: Well you’ll be flying off ina minute if you’re not careful! There are seven seconds on getting started starting now. KW: I’ve been ruined in my peroration! How can I get under way! Every time... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well, he’s not getting started because he’s been ruined in his peroration! NP: That’s right... KW: Where’s my flow? Where’s my flow? My flow has gone... NP: Listen, you leave your womenfolk out of this and let’s get on with the game! Derek, he was deviating from the subject and there are four seconds now for you having got a correct challenge and a point for that taking over the subject of getting started starting now. DN: I love getting started... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He has jet lag, he was much too quick! NP: A very good attempt Clement... CF: For a man with jet lag... NP: Beg pardon? CF: For a man with jet lag! NP: Yes, a bonus point for Clement Freud for a very good try, it’s got nothing to do with the programme, but Derek Nimmo gets a point.... CF: And good evening! NP: ... for an incorrect challenge, and keeps the subject, and good evening! And we’ll get on with the show and there are two and a half seconds left Derek with you starting now. DN: I love getting started for the first time, very near New Years... WHISTLE NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that momnet gets the extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who got in just before the whistle, so he has got now three points, he’s equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud has got one and Peter Jones is yet to score. But Peter your turn to begin, the subject, eating dirt cheap. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well, that’s just enough of those rather corny restaurant jokes like "waiter, is this egg fresh?" "I don’t know sir, I only laid the table." "Do you serve crabs here?" "Sit down, we serve anybody." "There’s a fly in my soup" and so on. Getting er dirt cheap... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: An er. NP: Yes but it wasn’t enough to be a real hesitation, so Peter keeps the subject... KW: Oh you say er, but it’s not a hesitation? You want to wash your ears out, you great nit! NP: You want to wash your tongue out! KW: Disgraceful! NP: There are 40 seconds for you Peter, with eating dirt cheap starting now. PJ: Well, I (starts to giggle) BUZZ NP: It’s going to be one of those nights, isn’t it! Derek Nimmo challenged you. DN: Well, one hardly dares to challenge with you in the chair! But he... repetition of er er, also hesitation. NP: And I would say it was a definite hesitation. PJ: Indeed it was. NP: So you get the subject... DN: Definitely! NP: ... and a point for that, it’s eating dirt cheap and there are 38 seconds left starting now. DN: When I’m eating dirt cheap, I leap out into the rubbish dump and I start nibbling away at all the scraps and refuse that have been left behind by all the bin men. And I nibble and chew and somehow it goes down inside my great gullet, and all the nasty worms and toads and grubs begin to ferment inside me! And then... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged, thank goodness! PJ: Much, much too far-fetched, but you can’t, worms don’t ferment! NP: They might inside Derek Nimmo, but I quite agree. I... PJ: No, or otherwise you’d have worm wine. NP: Yes! PJ: There isn’t such a thing! NP: No, Peter I agree, he’s deviated... PJ: Is there? Clement’s nodding, he probably knows that there is! Can you get a worm making wine kit? NP: There are 17 seconds left for you Peter, on eating dirt cheap starting now. PJ: The important thing when opening a restaurant is to keep it incredibly... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition of restaurant. NP: He did say it before, you’re right. There are 14 seconds, eating dirt cheap Derek with you, starting now. DN: If you go to a place called the Lopera, a er rather... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: That was almost a hesitation! NP: It was definitely a hesitation. There are 11 seconds for eating dirt cheap with you Clement starting now. CF: I would say baked beans on toast for a ha’penny is as good an example of eating dirt cheap as any I could think of, although toast, marmalade and... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. He’s now equal with Kenneth Williams but Derek Nimmo has taken the lead. Derek, will you begin the next round and the subject is the white shark. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. DN: The white shark is a popular nickname for Nicholas Parsons. He’s been known as the white shark because of his meanness and also the fact that he tends to be very avaricious and steal things from people when they’re not looking, particularly points. Other... times... BUZZ NP: I’m glad someone challenged! Clement Freud. DN: I thought you’d burst in by then, annoyed. CF: That was another almost hesitation. NP: And it was deviation on every other single point but nobody bothered to challenge. I agree with Clement so you have 43 seconds on the white shark starting now. CF: Well this clearly refers to the manager of the local building society. Because if ever there was a race of people who are white sharks, although some of them are brown, yellow or even black sharks. They would certainly qualify. To charge 12 and a half percent interest on a home loan simply because whoever happens to be in government thinks that might be a fun figure for people to pay. I think that is so criminally dishonest that if I ever met the chap in the street I would kick him if I didn’t so terribly disapprove of people putting the boot in... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud with his white shark has taken himself into a stronger lead, gaining an extra point as the whistle went and it is Clement Freud’s turn to begin. The subject is schooldays. Clement can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. CF: School days happen before university days, and even earlier than life. And I remember particularly about my school days that we had speeches at least once a year. Somebody came along and they always mentioned three things. One is things aren’t what they used to be... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of things. NP: Yes I’m afraid so Clement. There are 41 seconds left for you Derek to take over the subject of school days starting now. DN: I started school at the age of four in Cartnell Fell... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: That was a school day! PJ: It was one of the days! DN: One of the days... PJ: He was taking it one at a time! DN: An awful lot more were going to come along afterwards if you’d let me go on! NP: A clever try but I don’t think it was justified. School days is still with you Derek starting now. DN: They do say that school days are the happiest days of your life. I think it was absolute rubbish, I didn’t like it at all very much. And people didn’t like me either, it was awfully sad. And I had a very unhappy time, because people kept bullying me because they thought that I was inept, which I was, and I didn't get very good marks in any of my examinations that I remember, now. I could paint a little, I wasn’t very good at games. In fact, people thoroughly disliked me... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of people. NP: Yes and there are 17 seconds left for school days with you Peter starting now. PJ: Well the days were only slightly less miserable than the nights. Because at boarding school it’s usually cold, there are a lot of very noisy people in the dormitory. And the master who comes in and beats the daylights out of everybody, just because he just... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went and he’s moved forward into third place ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Derek Nimmo’s taken the lead alongside Clement Freud. Kenneth we’re back with you, would you take the subject of Emperors and tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Many names spring to mind! I would mention Hadrian and Marcus Araeli, perhaps Allogabilus is an interesting example. He arrived in Rome, you know, on a dray, and had a lot of makeup on. The Senators are reputed to have made representations and indignant noises about this. But he held full sway and filled every post far and wide, Gall, Britain, Manorca, Majorca, all with posts with his favourite in charge. And I don’t blame him because I mean if you’ve got a bit of authority, you might as well splash it about and say well, have a good time, I’m only here for a short while. Might as well enjoy it while we can. And I think when I look back on my own life, ah yes, Acton’s dictum, all power corrupts, that is true... WHISTLE NP: Well that’s the first time in this series that somebody has started with the subject and kept going without hesitation, repetition or deviation, and without being interrupted in any way at all. So Kenneth you get a point for speaking when the whistle went, and a bonus point for managing to keep going for the full 60 seconds. And you’re still in fourth place. No, actually you’re just ahead of Peter Jones, and Derek and Clement are still in the lead. Peter Jones will you begin the next round please, the subject, fixations. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: Well it’s one of those words like repressions and er auto-suggestions, depressions er that er were popularised... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I would agree there was a definite er there. PJ: I just stumbled for a moment. NP: Fifty-one seconds on fixations with you Derek starting now. DN: Some people, like Kenneth Williams, have fixations about Roman Emperors. If you’re not careful they talk about them all day long! Particularly he likes to talk about the Emperor Tiberius because he used to have what he called his minnows... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Well he said talked about twice. NP: Yes he did, there are 41 seconds for Peter Jones on fixations starting now. PJ: Well sometimes people get fixations about winning and they feel it’s terribly important to do so. Whereas I feel that just merely playing the game as well as one can is more satisfying and very often more entertaining for those people who are watching, listening at home, or in the auditorium before us at this moment. Now Clement and... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: He packed up altogether really! NP: Yes he did... PJ: Well I couldn’t recall your name for a moment! I knew I knew the face! NP: Derek Nimmo’s sitting right beside Peter Jones for those at home, and I must say he was trying to inhibit him by staring very hard. There are 15 seconds on fixations with you Derek starting now. DN: I have a friend called Geoffrey Alcock who has a fixation that in a previous existence he was the Dalia Lama. And he sits for hours at an end with a little prayer wheel beside him reciting and... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He sits for hours at an end? What does that mean? NP: I don’t think it means very much! PJ: Deviation! NP: Deviation from grammar and sense. All right, well challenged Peter. Four seconds are left with fixations with you starting now. PJ: I’ll tell you the most hair raising fixation if I can be allowed a little more... WHISTLE NP: He hadn’t really got one, he knew there was only four seconds, and he just kept going and achieved the object of speaking as the whistle went. So Peter you got a lot of points in that round and you’ve moved into second place, just two points behind Derek Nimmo. And Derek, your turn to begin, and the subject is punch. If you’d like to put the daily paper down and join the show again! I know you’ve just come back from Australia but there’s nothing much been happening that doesn’t normally happen! The subject is punch, there are 60 seconds for you to talk about it starting now. DN: I once before fought three rounds with Henry Cooper and I asked him how his punch was at that time and he hit me on the jaw! This is absolutely true, and I went flat on my back and hurt very much. I was once in Las Vegas and there I met Mohammad Ali who I think probably has the greatest punch, and the most exciting and impressive boxer... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: That really is nonsense! He hasn’t got the greatest punch. He’s got all sorts of other qualities but not even... DN: That’s your opinion, dear fellow... CF: No, not even he would say he has the greatest punch! He hardly ever knocks anybody out! NP: I would inclined to agree. Amongst, among... PJ: Isn’t it a bit late in the day to complain that he’s talking nonsense in this game? NP: Yes that’s a very good point Peter... PJ: After about 18 years! DN: He’s regained the heavyweight championship of the world three times! NP: Yes... DN: He can hardly be just tapping people, can he! NP: No, but I agree with what Clement Freud is saying. It’s been accepted by all the sporting journalists and the sporting authorities that er Mohammad Ali, great as he is, has not the greatest punch. He’s one of the greatest boxers ever... PJ: But these other people with better punches, why haven’t they punched him? NP: Because he’s so quick on his feet! And that’s the point that Clement’s making! I agree with his challenge and you have 34 seconds for punch Clement starting now. CF: There’s also a drink called punch, which is generally hot, and made with a spiritual substance, wither rum, brandy, whiskey, gin, or even a licquer. Also sugar and spices like cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, water, lemon, orange... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of also. NP: Oh that’s difficult! CF: Gosh that went well didn’t it! NP: It did! I don’t remember actually whether he said also before. Occasionally I try to... PJ: Or spice, I think he said. NP: Yes. I think... PJ: Or spice? CF: No, but I will if you like! PJ: Yes! NP: Clement you have 18 seconds to continue with punch starting now. CF: If you go to the seaside, the sort of place where Derek Nimmo runs up and down the beach wearing a funny hat, you tend to see Punch and Judy shows which are marvelously traditionally entertaining. In that a small man usually with a top hat, standing behind a curtain, makes noises... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: The man doesn’t wear a top hat. Otherwise you’d see it! CF: No! NP: The man standing behind the curtain does not wear a top hat. CF: Well mine does! NP: Well you said traditionally, going by tradition I would say you’re wrong and Peter Jones has got in with one second to go on punch starting now. PJ: It’s a great magazine! WHISTLE NP: Well we have an interesting situation at the end of that round because Peter Jones and Clement Freud have both got equal number of points in the round and they’ve now come up alongside Derek Nimmo in the lead. So we have three leaders, all three of them ahead of Kenneth Williams. But you give us great value... DN: Wouldn’t it be easier to say we have one loser? NP: No, because Kenneth is never a loser! DN: Ah... NP: He comes... Clement, your turn to begin, the subject is little known facts about garden worms. There’s an elaborate and delightful idea that Ian Messiter’s thought of. Little known facts about garden words, can you tell us any in 60 seconds starting now. CF: It’s really very difficult to talk about little known facts about garden worms because there’s so many totally unknown facts about garden worms. I will try. For instance, they tie each other in knots to keep damp. And they eat chocolate, especially eclairs and biscuits. And what is perhaps an incredibly little known fact about garden worms is that they have a throughput of 9 tons of earth every six months, or one and a half... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes after the nine tons of earth going through them in six months, just a pause... CF: It was a respectful pause for people to draw in their breath, or draw out the throughput of earth or... NP: I think they digested it, all right, but it was a definite pause and Derek Nimmo, you take over the subject now, little known facts about garden worms, starting now. DN: One of the little known facts about garden worms is that they greatly like Chanel Number Five... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: That’s an unknown fact! It is untrue! DN: Unknown to you, but it’s known to me! CF: Untrue! DN: Little known fact! NP: I don’t think it is a fact at all! And I give it back to Clement Freud with 22 seconds on the subject starting now. CF: When they mate, which they do every... BUZZ NP: Clement... Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: This is a family show! We don’t want that sort of smutty talk! NP: Garden smut! Well done, Peter, a bonus point for Peter, Clement keeps the subject for an incorrect challenge, 18 seconds left on the subject, starting now. CF: When words are terribly fond of each other, they hard... they hardly ever write letters. They don’t hold hands because they have none. They go through a machinery known... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of through. NP: Yes, all that soil went through them, if you remember, six months and now you said they’re through again! CF: It’s a very piddling little challenge! NP: It’s a brilliant challenge, he had to remember it, and it’s even more amazing that I remembered it too! Because I have to remember every word... PJ: Well it was the graphic picture that he painted of all the soil going through one single worm that made me remember it! NP: Yes, all the... CF: Throughput... NP: On this occasion you remembered... CF: ...throughput was the word I used! NP: Every word of the material! CF: The word I used was throughput, not through on its own! NP: Yes you did actually! CF: That’s why you remembered it! NP: They had a throughput... DN: Throughput is not one word! NP: No, it’s a hyphenated word! PJ: No, but he used through earlier on! NP: He did indeed Peter, you have six seconds, little known facts about garden worms starting now. PJ: If you treat a worm nicely, it can become a very good friend, and it can be house trained and learn... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones has taken the lead at the end of that round, gaining points on the way, and the extra one as the whistle went. He’s one ahead of Clement Freud, two ahead of Derek Nimmo, and more than half a dozen ahead of Kenneth Williams, who’ll begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is jockeys, will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now. KW: They race down the course at Epsom and Ascot... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: They don’t! It’s the horses! NP: It’s a lovely challenge! Let’s give a point to Clement for that lovely challenge, but, but metaphorically speaking I’m sure that a lot of people say that jockeys are racing because they race on the horses. So Kenneth, keep the subject, you started with it and you have 51 seconds left starting now. KW: They have given their name to a most famous item of underwear. And everyone has reason to be deeply grateful for this incredible service. I have found... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Not everybody! Ladies don’t have to be grateful! NP: Well I think some ladies do wear jockey pants, don’t they? CF: And others are grateful to people who wear them! NP: No, it’s a good idea, but I don’t think actually, no, he was deviating from the subject... DN: But I mean sort of Hawaiian gentlemen aren’t grateful for jockey pants because they don’t wear them. What about all the Scottish listeners that we’ve got? They don’t have any jockey pants. Not everyone is grateful! PJ: Sorry, the conversation’s going the same way again! NP: The garden worms aren’t grateful! Kenneth you continue with the subject, 41 seconds left with jockeys starting now. KW: A well established fact for jockeys is they need to be light, which is why I am such a brilliant exponent of the art. When I appear they cry "here he comes, Mr Lightweight himself!" "Always welcome at Newmarket, Ken boy!" they shout as I enter the arena wearing the colours of course of my favourite employer. Will I name him? No, obviously in a case like this, I’d better not because I would be accused, would I not, of a cheap publicity. And that is something I would never stoop to! No, I am a man of principle! You’ve only got to look at me and you say "here’s a jockey with principle! He’s never running a dirty race! He’s... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. KW: Oh, what was your challenge? CF: Two principles. I take it back! KW: No, no, you have it boy! You have it Clement boy! Good old Clement boy! No, you go on, have a go, love! NP: Well Kenneth is very generously, he was really in full flow then, I think he’d almost won the race actually in his imagination! Um, but I’d love to see him on a horse! The um, Clement there are two and a half seconds with jockeys starting now. BUZZ NP: Yes, Peter Jones? PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes! So it’s neck and neck still between our two leaders. There are one and a half seconds on jockeys with you Peter starting now. PJ: They’re not as nice as boxer shorts! WHISTLE NP: I’ve had a message, we have no more time. So let me wind up the show by telling you what the final score was. Kenneth Williams after his triumphs of the previous week returned to come in a solid fourth place. His jockey exploits didn’t help him get into the lead here. He came behind Derek Nimmo who finished in third place, and Clement Freud was just in second place, one point behind this week’s winner who was Peter Jones! We hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when once again we take to the air and we play this ridiculously delightful game. Until then from all of us here goodbye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. KW’s diary entry for Thursday 23 November 1978: "The team for JAM was Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. Everyone saying how loyally Clement was behaving towards Jeremy Thorpe who is contending with all the assorted lies of Bessell at the Minehead trial..." |
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