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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 January 1973)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well as you just heard, once again we have an all male cast. Four clever chaps just waiting to pit their wits, their brains, and their reputation, their ingenuity, their... they’re looking awfully down at the moment, I won’t go on! They’re wishing to pitch everything they have against each other and see who’s going to be most successful this week as they try and speak for just one minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject that I will give to them. And we’re going to start off with a word that I have already used, reputation. And we’re going to start with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, don’t look like that please! Can you talk about reputation for 60 seconds starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: A man is known by the company he keeps. And it was long ago remarked by an ancient divine that all the public know of a man is his reputation. As to his character, ah, only men of probity and perceptivity could possibly give a definition on that subject. But the great man tells us that... BUZZ NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged. KW: That’s a disgrace! I mean what’s he challenging about? NP: Well we’ll soon hear if you keep quiet! CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of man. NP: Yes! CF: More than one. NP: There’s been more than one man. CF: Four man. NP: There’s been four men actually going through your 23 seconds of dissertation. Clement Freud I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of reputation and there are 37 seconds left and you start now. CF: When I told my elderly housekeeper the other day that I was going, yet again, on Just A Minute, she said “is that Kenneth Williams on as well?” to which I replied “he is”. “I have heard of his reputation,” she said, “and it is not good. In fact there is a great deal...” BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Well deviation! NP: Why? KW: Oh most certainly! I’ve come all the way from King’s Cross, and I have to sit here and be insulted! I mean are you going to stand for that? Are you going to agree to that? People saying I’ve got... NP: Just a minute! Just a minute! Kenneth I would say that on Just A Minute your reputation is good. You may have a bad reputation elsewhere, I don’t know... KW: But this rotten housekeeper... NP: Just a minute! But this housekeeper was talking about Just A Minute, and I think you have a good reputation on Just A Minute so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, say that you have a point for a correct challenge and 20 seconds for reputation starting now. KW: Me? NP: Yes! BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: I’ve got to say hesitation. NP: Yes there was a hesitation. KW: But I thought I’d got a point, you see... NP: You did get the point and the subject... KW: ...and he was going on. NP: No, you got a point and so you take the subject. Alas you paused, and so Derek, I agree with your challenge, you have 17 seconds on reputation starting now. DN: I have the reputation for being awfully quick on the buzzer. I keep my thumb ready to press tremendously hard if I hear hesitation from Kenneth Williams. And this happens quite frequently, so my reputation is confirmed as being tremendously and rapidly, and not to say... WHISTLE NP: Um Ian Messiter blows the whistle for us when 60 seconds is up as you um know and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he has two at the end of that round. Clement and Kenneth both have a point, Peter Jones is yet to speak. And the next subject is espionage and Clement Freud we want you to begin on that subject, 60 seconds starting now. CF: It was a farmhouse outside Dieppe in 1943 when 28 Dutchmen were hidden under 16 bales of straw. And at about this time a Spitfire... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, there are no thin Dutchmen so there couldn’t be 28 under 16 bales of straw. NP: (in Dutch accent) Having quite recently come back from Amsterdam, I saw some very thin Dutchmen over there. DN: Oh. NP: (in Dutch accent) They have a very thick accent but some of them are quite thin. PETER JONES: Most of them are Jewish according to you! LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: I think those were the ones hidden under the bales of straw that Clement was talking about. I disagree with the challenge, a very good try. Clement keeps the subject, 47 seconds left on espionage Clement starting now. CF: The emergency exit of the aeroplane opened, and down came 15 airmen by... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of 15. NP: Yes there were 15 er chaps er hidden in the bales of hay. DN: With respect, I hate to agree with Mister Freud, but the number was 16 before. NP: It was 16 before, yes that’s all right. I’m glad somebody pointed it out to me. Bad luck Peter, well tried. Clement Freud you’ve still got the subject, you have a point for a wrong challenge and there are 40 seconds left on espionage starting now. CF: Unfortunately only 14 of them opened, and 13 men fell to the ground, the last one diving on to a lake nearby. Getting their submachine guns ready, they stormed the building and released each... BUZZ NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, it’s not espionage. This was a military attack. NP: Oh what a clever challenge! Yes but it was concerned with espionage. DN: No it wasn’t, it’s a military attack! CF: You don’t know the nationality of the people that came down yet. NP: Actually no, no Derek, I’m, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. It’s a very difficult thing to make a decision, but he hasn’t established that they were engaged in espionage. He only talked about... CF: Nobody... NP: Yes? CF: ... tries to establish that they’re that! The whole point about espionage... is that it’s kept secret! NP: You’re absolutely right... CF: Do you think people have little flags saying “I’m a spy’? NP: Yes! CF: It’s a ludicrous decision! NP: Yes... CF: If you give it to Derek Nimmo, I’m going to... NP: It would be... DN: If you give me your 16 Dutchmen... NP: I must say, I might say it would be a ludicrous decision whichever way I gave it, because I quite agree with what you said Clement, you are perfectly right, and I quite agree with what Derek said, he’s perfectly right. I have to have the judgement and wisdom of Solomon which I do not possess, so on this occasion I gave it against Derek before. Derek’s going to have a point for that challenge and there are 25 seconds left for espionage Derek starting now. DN: Putting my cloak firmly around me and buckling my dagger to my waist, I went off to indulge in a little espionage of a theatrical nature. I went along to see Mister... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Two went alongs, repetition. NP: Yes, two went alongs, espionage is with you Kenneth, you gained a point for a correct challenge and you’ve got the subject Kenneth. Are you sure? Right, you have 13 seconds on espionage starting now. KW: My encounter was with an agent in Copenhagen. And leaning over the table, this beautiful blonde said “in a few minutes, you’ll touch my knickers. Don’t look surprised, I’m merely a symbol of British military intelligence.” I was flabbergasted... WHISTLE NP: I must say to listeners, it’s a pity the audience laughed just when they did because I think some of them missed the payoff of Kenneth’s story which was even funnier than when they laughed. Kenneth you were speaking then when the whistle went so you gain an extra point for that and you are now in the lead Kenneth. KW: Oh go on! Alongside, I know. NP: Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. KW: Yes! NP: And ... KW: I never win! I never do! I try valiantly, but I never win! NP: But you give such value for money. KW: Well that’s very nice of you to say! NP: And you have been known to win handsomely Kenneth. Ah Peter Jones the subject is now with you and the subject is Pluto. Would you talk for 60 seconds on Pluto starting now. PJ: Not the oil pipeline that provided the engines of war with the precious fluid to keep them going. Nor the Greek god who flourished ah about 3000 years ago in ancient Athens. But the cartoon dog created by Walt Disney and his hundreds of animators which has become popular all over the world. I’m not too keen on it because I think it’s taking bread out of the months of hungry actors. In fact I’m not too keen on caricatures and drawings... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Two keens. NP: Yes, it’s a pity you weren’t keen... CF: Unless those were the hungry actors! NP: So a correct challenge Clement. So you have Pluto for 27 seconds starting now. CF: I also feel that the animated dog was my favourite Pluto. And I preferred him ever and anon to Mickey Mouse and all the characters of whom I was far less fond... BUZZ NP: Ah Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition of fond. NP: Yes you have 13 seconds on Pluto starting now. DN: Well of course, the one I like most of all is the inhabitant of Hades, a place I have not actually as yet visited. But I feel it’s well high on my list. He was a brother of Zeus and they were along there... WHISTLE NP: So Derek was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point and he now has a lead of one at the end of that round. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin. The subject is having a bubble bath. Will you talk about that delightful subject for 60 seconds and you start now. DN: Well first of all you have to select the kind of bubble that you’re going to bathe in. Personally I like non-vintage champagne. You pour it into a well-plugged bath, then you can get in with it. And also it’s rather nice to have a pleasant companion with you, preferably of the opposite sex and you can drink the bath water with huge enjoyment and put on even the tiniest little bit of soap without causing any er ill will or even... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. He hesitated before he said ill will. Any ill will, he said. NP: Yes he did actually, but it was so slight I don’t think you could really call it a serious hesitation. Not serious enough to give you a point for it Peter. Sorry. PJ: You mean anybody else would have been awarded a point? Is that what you mean? NP: No, I just gave you a line to come back with. PJ: Ah I see, yes. Thanks very much. NP: Thirty-four seconds, er, a wrong challenge um Peter, Derek, so you have a point, having a bubble, a bubble bath, 34 seconds starting now. DN: Sometimes of course you can have group bubble baths... BUZZ NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. KW: Oh yes you did that then! DN: When? CF: The monologue in... NP: I know! KW: Oh I was picked up on that a lot, you know. PJ: I think... KW: They said he always says of course. Do you remember that? They always picked me up for that. NP: Well you kept on saying it. Derek hasn’t kept on saying it. Anyway I have to be fair and you did say of course more than once Derek. So Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 32 seconds on having a bubble bath starting now. CF: Of course one of the nicest things about having a bubble bath is when you have this in non-vintage sparkling mozelle, a drink which many people prefer to that which comes from Champagne, Vitaly, Ay or wheresoever. And the great joy... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation. CF: Very fine challenge. DN: Champagne can’t come from wheresoever, because then it wouldn’t be champagne. NP: Actually this is the problem you see, because you can have Spanish champagne. DN: No you can’t. CF: You can’t. NP: Well it’s called Spanish champagne. DN: Not any more. CF: Not any more, no. DN: There’s been a court ruling. CF: Champagne can come from three villages in the champagne area... NP: Would you like to take over Clement Freud? I mean er... DN: It can’t come from wheresoever! CF: Quite right! PJ: It can if you buy it from there in the first place! DN: Mister Freud has kindly agreed with me. CF: Quite right. NP: All right so what have you all said? I don’t know where we were. DN: Clay’s agreeing with me, I think, actually. NP: Is he, with you? CF: I quite agree champagne cannot come from wheresoever. NP: In which case you... CF: If wheresoever is anywhere in the world. But it can come, a, from wheresoever you take it from which it can come back. NP: Clement you are so deviously clever on occasions that I find it almost impossible to give a decision. But if you think that you cannot have champagne that came from wheresoever, you agree with Derek’s challenge. So he has 13 seconds on having a bubble bath starting now. DN: I knew a girl called Elsie, I met her in Bath which is rather appropriate... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of Bath. NP: Yes I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for your challenge and you take over the subject and nine seconds on having a bubble bath starting now. CF: Actually when you have a bubble bath you don’t have to be entirely clean and even when you come out of it, if you do not dry yourself you may... WHISTLE NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. He’s equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And if you haven’t already guessed, I think you can sense this is going to be quite a needle match between these two. Kenneth Williams we’re now going to hear from you and the subject is Sybarus. Can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now. KW: I guess I would put it at 720 BC, a colony of the Greek city state, situated in the Gulf of Dreda. And it’s famous for extraordinary opulence and richness everywhere. And the word is synonymous with that kind of grandeur today. People say if someone’s enjoying all this richness, they say sira, si, er... BUZZ LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh dear! KW: Oh lackaday, oh rue and woe is me. I was tripped up by me diction! NP: Better than some other thing to be tripped up by. Derek you challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes alas, um so we’ll never know what they all say today. Thirty seconds on Sybarus with you Derek, and a point having been gained starting now. DN: Sybarus was of course also famous not only for the richness and opulence of the inhabitants but for the fact that there were a lot of old poofters who lived there. And they were hugely... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation. NP: Why? KW: This word doesn’t exist in the English language. NP: I couldn’t quite catch the word actually. KW: He said a lot of old poofters, and I’ve never heard of this word in the English language. It isn’t in the OED and I presume on this game we’re all expected to speak the language of the country. And if it is the OED, I would like you to get it. NP: Well I don’t know that the rules have ever been so precisely defined as to say whether we’ve got to use words... KW: Well then it’s high time they were precisely defined! NP: Oh well I’ll have to ask Ian Messiter to define them and tell me whether we can only words that are in the Oxford English Dictionary... KW: Well tell me this, tell me this Mister Parsons, do you know what a poofter is? NP: No, but put it this way, I could make a ruddy good guess! So what I’m going to do is put this question to the audience and see... KW: Don’t put it to them! NP: Right, so we all decide that the audience are the superior judges in this situation when I have an impossible decision to make. In other words, if you agree with Kenneth’s challenge... KW: That the word doesn’t exist! NP: No, that’s not your challenge. KW: Yes it is, deviation because the word doesn’t exist. NP: All right deviation because the word doesn’t exist. You cheer for Kenneth, or you boo Kenneth which means you’re supporting Derek. And will you cheer and boo together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: Yes I think I definitely won there! NP: I don’t know... KW: There’s no question about that. NP: Derek has got a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 21 seconds left on poofters er Sybarus starting now. DN: These effeminates were then... banned from civilisation... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why? KW: This is totally devious, there were no such elements in the population of this city. NP: How do you know? KW: Because I’ve read Edward Gibbon. NP: How does he know? He wasn’t there. KW: Because there was a vast amount of annotation at the time by contemporary historians and if this had occurred, it would be a feature of the age, just as civility was a feature of the Tudor age. And just as decadence was a feature, rightly, I suppose, of the Athenians... NP: We’re right off the subject now! Kenneth, my knowledge of Greek history confirms to me that Derek is probably correct. But as the audience have clapped you and obviously wish you to continue with the subject, and Derek has already got a doubtful point on his poofter, we will give you a point and the subject. And there are 17 seconds left on Sybarus starting now. KW: Many people are called Siberated including of course Pompadour and Cardinal Wolsey who built that fabulous place on the River Thames and was always having the chocolate bonbons... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DN: Repetition of bonbons. KW: He walked right into it! NP: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, which only Kenneth speaks by, bonbon is a hyphenated word. KW: Hahah! Hahah! Oh it’s marvellous! NP: And if you hyphenate two words, you surely must be doing it to make them into one word. CF: And he used it in the plural so the second, the second syllable has an S! NP: So bad luck Derek, Kenneth has another point and there are seven seconds on Sybarus starting now. KW: Also the Sun King as he was often... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Yes deviation from the subject. He’s talking about people who are sybaritic rather than Sybarus. KW: It’s related to the word, innit? You great nit! Oh if we said luxurious that would be related to luxor, wouldn’t it. Of course it’s related! Oh there’s no deviation there, it’s related all right! NP: Four seconds on Sybarus Kenneth starting now. KW: Yes and of course there was a whole load... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Ah repetition ... NP: Of what? CF: Of of course. NP: What a pity! Clement you have two seconds on Sybarus starting now. CF: And the woman came in and said “sibber is ready...” WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round, Kenneth gained a considerable number of points, Clement got the one for speaking as the whistle went, which took him back into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is sleep. Would you talk to us about it for 60 seconds and you start now. CF: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, that great poet who wrote The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, when mentioning sleep, said “oh sleep, it is a gentle thing, beloved from pole to the other extremity, to Mary Queen, the praise is given, she brought the gentle sleep from heaven which slid into my soul. These silly buckets on the deck that had so long remained, I dreamt that they were filled with dew and when I woke it rained.” I won’t say any more about sleep and the ancient... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Oh yes very clever because he said he... DN: It wasn’t very clever, very obvious, I thought! He just packed up! CF: Well I... DN: When he packs up, you buzz, don’t you! CF: I did repeat a word. NP: He, I thought you were being clever you see Derek. I give you credit for more intelligence than you obviously have. DN: Yes! NP: Because you see he was repeating Ancient Mariner and he paused after ancient because he realised he repeated himself and you came in with hesitation. DN: I see. NP: There are 28 seconds on sleep with you Derek starting now. DN: Forty winks, something which I enjoy tremendously really. I don’t awfully like counting sheep. I find it particularly boring, I’d rather... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why? PJ: Well he’s talking about counting sheep which suggests that he’s awake. He’s talking about not being able to sleep, and counting sheep, he’s supposed to be talking about sleep. NP: Yes well you see, the problem here is Peter, the decisions I have to make! You do try count sheep in order to try and go to sleep. So I don’t think he’s really deviating from the subject on the card. PJ: No you don’t? Well I think you’ve usually got very good taste in matters of this kind. I’m very willing to abide by that decision. NP: I’m very glad you’re so sporting, the others weren’t... (laughs) KW: Knock it off! NP: Derek you have 20 seconds left on sleep starting now. DN: Very important to wear the appropriate clothing if you want to go to sleep. I wear a little hat... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged twice. CF: Repetition of wear. NP: Yes. DN: Absolutely right. NP: So Clement you have 14 seconds on sleep starting now. CF: To sleep, perchance to dream, ah, there’s the rub. This is what Shakespeare said, or one of his characters was... said to have said... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams. KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes hesitation because he was repeating himself incessantly! In fact he was almost sleep walking! There are six seconds on sleep with you Kenneth starting now. KW: Something that has continually evaded me! I toss and turn, yearning for that unconscious sleep that... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round the situation is exactly the same as before. Derek and Clement are equal in the lead, a little way behind, only two points is Kenneth. And somewhat further behind is Peter Jones. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin and the subject is hardly anything. Can you talk on hardly anything... yes you may well look like that! I feel like that thinking of some of the decisions I might have to make. Hardly anything starting now. KW: I suppose this refers to the thing which almost is there and yet not quite. So we say hardly anything when we really mean that a manifestation of something or another has been exhibited. (in Welsh female voice) So of course, this thing can be applied in a sense to an accent. You say “hardly a tree, hardly a wee...” BUZZ NP: (laughing) Derek Nimmo’s challenged you. DN: (laughs) Repetition of two hardlys without any anything with them. NP: Yes but... and close together as well. DN: Too close together. NP: Yes. Derek I agree with your challenge, you have a point and 34 seconds... DN: I had no idea what he was talking about! He always goes into that voice... NP: Well sometimes he sort of bewitches us with theatrical science by going off into some delicious character that we hardly listen to what he’s saying. Thirty-four seconds on hardly anything with you Derek starting now. DN: Of course if one is indulging in espionage and one’s reputation is at stake, it’s very important to talk about hardly anything, particularly if you’re with a lot of old poofters in Sybarus having a bubble bath. Therefore if you find yourself sleeping, you will of course be aware... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why? CF: Repetition of of course. KW: Yes yes! CF: If nothing else I will get people to stop saying of course for pointless reasons in this show! DN: If you say it’s pointless, you don’t deserve a point! NP: And stop then saying it in private life as well... CF: We have never been courting popularity as I understand... NP: Derek always makes a note of every subject when I give them to him and he was very cleverly going through them all then. He nearly went up to the bell. Um Clement I agree with of course, there are 15 seconds on hardly anything starting now. CF: There’s hardly anything that I’m not prepared to talk about. But in view of the subject which is hardly anything I would have to skirt over such things as I will mention in the next two seconds which is left me by the chairman. Hardly anything is... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud cleverly kept going on a difficult subject right up till the whistle. He gained a point for speaking when the whistle went. And alas if you haven’t already looked at your clocks, I must tell you that we have no more time for Just A Minute. So I have to give you the final score. And the situation has been at the end, as you might have guessed, Peter alas is in fourth place. Kenneth was alas in third place. But as it turned out, I said the game looked like being a needle match and I think a very very fair result, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud, equal winners this week, congratulations! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to join us again next time. Until then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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