JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 January 1982)

NOTE: Pete Atkin's first show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome. And to start the new series, we have our four regular panellists, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones. And as usual they will try and speak if they can on some subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. I will try and interpret the rules as we go along and adjudicate and try and see that fair play. Ian Messiter will keep the time. And we will start the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject that Ian Messiter has chosen to start this one is the best way to lie. And you have 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well Iím a great exponent of this. And I can assure you that the best way to lie is to be flat on your back, and ensure that the pillow is not too high. Indeed an osteopath told me that that can cause the most awful problems with the neck muscles. And he assured me that the best way to do it is to have something very thin. The legs should be ideally raised a little at the end so that the blood circulation flows much more easily than otherwise. Of course an eiderdown or a merino wool blanket, luxuriously laid over the body, will ensure that the kind of warmth...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Ah repetition of ensure.

NP: No, he actually said assure before.

KW: Yes! Thank you! What a very good chairman!

PJ: His dictionís not that good.

KW: Yes! Very good! I can see why youíve got that job Nicholas! Marvellous!

NP: So there are 13 seconds for you to continue with the subject, youíve got a point for an incorrect challenge...

KW: Yes! Iíve got a point for that! Yes yes!

NP: And you have 13 seconds as I said before starting now.

KW: The best way to lie is to do it with great aplomb...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth, Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of great. He started with great.

NP: Yes he did say great before. Iím sorry Kenneth so that was a correct challenge, repetition there. And Clement Freud takes over the subject, having gained a point, and there are nine and a half seconds left starting now.

CF: I have a girl who is six foot tall, sleeps in her kitchen with her feet in the hall. Used to be an old talking blues song...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, that cannot be the best way to lie.

NP: No!

DN: In a kitchen with your feet through the wall?

NP: I would say thatís a marvellous challenge Derek.

DN: Yes.

NP: It would be most uncomfortable...

CF: Would you? Would you really say that was a marvellous challenge?

NP: Yes I would! Ian, according to Ian Messiter you have one fifth of a second to take over the subject of the best way to lie Derek starting now.

DN: In a foetal position!

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Derek Nimmo who is in the lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones will you take the next round. The subject, my party piece. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: There are strange things done in the midday sun
By the men who moil for gold,
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold,
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
Now...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of see. I let him get on with it, but there were two sees in there.

DN: Well I think thatís a trifle mean!

KW: Yes I must say thatís very petty isnít it.

DN: Lovely! Exciting!

KW: Very petty!

DN: I mean, see!

NP: What does the audience think? I mean heís doing his party piece beautifully.

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I mean shall I twist the rules and leave it with Peter Jones, or shall I give it to Clement Freud? Cheer for Clement, boo for Peter, all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right Peter, the boos have it...

PJ: Oh really.

NP: An incorrect challenge but you still got the subject and a point. Right, no, we must be fair, and give Clement Freud a point...

DN: Why?

NP: ... because his challenge was correct...

DN: Oh.

NP: .... but we leave Peter with the subject which is 42 seconds, my party piece, starting now.

PJ: Now the aforementioned was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to grip him like a spell,
Though heíd often say in his homely way that ďheíd sooner live in hell.Ē
On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! Through the parkaís...

BUZZ

DN: I think youíd better pause. Iíll have a repetition of cold.

PJ: Yes a repetition.

CF: Oh shame!

NP: Whatís your challenge Derek?

DN: Repetition of cold. But he just, he seemed to be running out, he seemed to be laughing. So I thought Iíd help him out. Anyway so it was repetition of cold.

NP: It was indeed yes.

DN: Of cold. And various other words.

NP: Do you want to take over?

DN: It was nice though, wasnít it!

PJ: It goes on for about quarter of an hour.

NP: Yes. The trouble is they donít want to laugh at it because theyíre listening to see if youíre going to repeat yourself, the audience.

PJ: I know! So was I! I couldnít remember what was coming next!

NP: I know! Derek you have a correct challenge and the subject and there are 18 seconds, my party piece starting now.

DN: My party piece was always to go and tell jokes to people, which used to produce hilarity and mirth wherever I went. And I also had a ventriloquistís doll called Kenny Topp...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went, and Derek would you begin the next round. The subject is the dishwasher. Would you talk about that in the game starting now.

DN: Well the dishwasher in my household is called Patricia Sybil Anne Nimmo. And she attends to all the dishes that needed to be cleaned. I very seldom enter the kitchen at all. And I regard it as a spectator sport. And she does it frightfully well. I can look at her through an open door, and away she scrubs with pans, and indeed of course dishes and cups and saucers, and cleans them most beautifully. Of course you can buy the electronic kind, and these I believe, most women find preferable. You just put the plates into them, and plug the thing into the wall... water...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

DN: Mmmm? Yes?

NP: Yes I think so, definitely Clement.

CF: Oh absolutely.

NP: You have the subject of the dishwasher...

DN: Very good Clay!

NP: A point for a correct challenge of course and 25 seconds on the dishwasher starting now.

CF: One of the great dangers in my family is that the kids mistake the dishwasher for the television set, neither of which give you anything very compulsive to see, and both show you an amazing configuration of this and that, pots and pans, people, handkerchieves, shirts, collars, whatever gets into the dishwasher...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well you donít put shirts and things in the dishwasher.

NP: No you donít. Or people either!

PJ: Not that shirt youíre wearing! Itís never been in a dishwasher.

NP: Anyway Peter, I would consider that deviation anyway if they do. So you have the subject Peter, with six seconds on the dishwasher starting now.

PJ: The dishwasher is always underrated, it makes a tremendous contribution to a meal, quite as much as the cook if the flakes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. He is now equal in second place with Clement Freud, trailing a little behind Derek Nimmo, and Kenneth Williams is trailing a little behind them all. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is the last time I broke the law. Thatís a nasty one to have to talk about in the game, isnít it, but you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: The last time I was accused of breaking the law I...

BUZZ


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Heís not talking on the subject, the last time i broke the law. Itís not the last time I was accused. So itís deviating from the subject.

NP: Oh thatís a very subtle challenge...

KW: No, itís not, itís absolutely true, itís deviation.

PJ: Yes of course.

NP: Right there are 51 seconds for you Clement, having had the benefit of the doubt, for the last time I broke the law starting now.

CF: I had the starting handle of my car stuck up its exhaust pipe, and what had happened quite simply was that I had reversed into a hedge and the aforementioned piece of machinery at the rear end of my vehicle had become into the contact with a hedge, as a result of which it was choked and the engine cut out. I opened my boot, took out such implements as there were in the tool kit...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You canít keep tool kit in your boot.

NP: Why not?

PJ: Well in the boot of a car possibly!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right Peter Jones, that round of applause deserves a point, a lovely challenge, but I think we all knew that he meant the boot of the car.

PJ: Well it was very ungrammatical in that case.

NP: I know. A lovely challenge right, a point to Peter, leave the subject with Clement Freud, and he continues with the last time I broke the law, 27 seconds starting now.

CF: And...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree.

PJ: Quite right!

NP: So Kenneth you got in with 26 and a half seconds on the last time I broke the law starting now.

KW: Well I can tell you this anecdote with absolute candour! It really happened to me! As a child, and of course one can be forgiven at that age for doing something silly, I pinched a carrot off...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, Iím perfectly sure thatís not the last time that he broke the law.

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well how can I judge on that one?

KW: Well you canít, itís absolutely impossible! Thatís why heís done it!

NP: I know. Iíll tell you what, Iíll do the same as I did with Peter Jones. Give Derek a point for a good challenge but leave the subject with Kenneth, which seems the fair thing to do. Fourteen and a half seconds, the last time I broke the law starting now.

KW: And following upon what Iíve told you, a friendly constable took me, gave me a cuff around the ear hole, to my parents and presented them with this dilemna. He said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, itís the last time the constable broke the law! It is illegal to cuff people around the ear!

NP: Well maybe it is, it is illegal, but weíve no saying he may not have done it! And in the old days sometime a good cuff from a friendly constable would do far more...

KW: Hear hear! Hear hear! Well spoken! Well spoken! Yes! Very good chairman, isnít he! Marvellous!

PJ: But heís...

NP: And even if itís illegal then or now, it doesnít mean to say it didnít happen. So...

DN: I canít see that he can be a particularly friendly constable if heís going round cuffing people round the ear!

PJ: Quite! Perhaps round the ears...

KW: It would be a lot more friendly to get a cuff round the ear than to spend a night in the jail!

NP: If itís a friendly constable, it would be a friendly cuff, which would put him in his place, you know.

PJ: Itís just, just cuffs round the ear and elsewhere from unfriendly constables we have to worry about!

NP: Exactly Peter, thatís the point I was trying to make.

PJ: Quite. Well Iím glad I made it for you finally!

NP: Four seconds for you to continue...

KW: And I got a lot of points in there, havenít I?

NP: Oh youíve got a lot of points.

KW: Good, good, good!

NP: Youíre still in fourth place.

KW: Right!

NP: But you may get ahead, you still have the subject, the last time I broke the law, four seconds starting now.

KW: The last time I broke the law was purely unwittingly in taping a broadcast...

WHISTLE

NP: And Kenneth with that last point for speaking as the whistle went has really moved forward into second place alongside Clement Freud, only one behind Derek Nimmo, and Peter Jones is only one behind the er Kenneth and er. Itís Kennethís turn to begin, Kenneth, the subject John MacAdam. Will you tell us something about him in the game starting now.

KW: John MacAdam was a name that is redolent indeed of Scotland which is where he came from. His full name, John London MacAdam, invented a special way of building roads which is known today as macadamising. As a successful merchant he went to New York, but returned to take a post at Bristol, inspector of turnpipes, and he remade their roads for them, with a marvellous effect. So much...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of roads.

NP: Yes! (laughs) Peter you have the subject with 26 seconds on John MacAdam starting now.

PJ: Yes well I think itís a great pity that John MacAdam started making these roads in a way that wasnít really as good as the Romans made them. Because there is still quite a number of them in existence now which were made by the aforementioned people 2000 or more years ago...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: The subject is John MacAdam, itís nothing to do with the Romans.

NP: There are eight seconds left for you Kenneth, on John MacAdam starting now.

KW: One would think that a man as brilliant as this would have found financial reward from his work with the er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, youíre rotten! When Kenneth hesitates, you all laugh! And Clementís got in with one second to go on John MacAdam starting now.

CF: Born in Ayr...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud has taken the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, and Peter Jones one behind those two. Peter your turn to begin, the subject, experts. Will you tell us something about experts in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well the extraordinary thing about experts to my mind is that they very rarely agree. Particularly when they are under oath. If one has to give ah evidence...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation, ah evidence.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was Peter. There are 49 seconds for experts with you Derek starting now.

DN: To my mind, one of the greatest experts in the art of comedy is Kenneth Williams. To see that man wander across a stage, using every muscle of his body to provoke hilarity and mirth, is a great joy and treat for everyone that beholds it. The way that he can...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Iíd like not to be included in the last remark!

LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, CF AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Anyway itís supposed to be in the plural. Heís talking about one expert! You see, Derek, an expert, heís supposed to be talking about experts.

NP: Well heís given an example of one expert, no, no, no, heís not deviating. Iím going to give you a point for your challenge because you...

PJ: Iím not concerned with points! Iím concerned with the sense of the thing!

NP: Are you?

PJ: Yes.

NP: Iíd stick to the points if I were you! Peter you get a point for that and Derek continues with experts, starting now.

DN: I seem to remember reading a book, a small volume it was, about, called The Expert, about a man who sat on the lavatory a great deal. Is that right? Do you remember the thing? And it was a man who, oh I said man twice...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Clement Freud yes. Yes Clement?

CF: Ah he said man twice.

NP: Yes he did. I think youíre searching for a book called The Specialist.

DN: Oh, The Specialist, that was it, yes.

NP: Right there are 21 and a half seconds for you Clement on experts starting now.

CF: The specialists are of course experts. And the person who wrote the book about which Derek Nimmo was speaking thought that having a lavatory door which opened out was a considerable mistake, especially if there was no lock on the door. He came to a substantial...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two doors.

NP: Yes. Well done Kenneth, well listened, six seconds for you on the subject of experts starting now.

KW: One of the greatest experts undoubtedly was John MacAdam. And I was trying to get in earlier on so I could be informative...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all got points in that round and Kenneth got the extra one for speaking as the whistle went. And theyíre keeping neck and neck. In fact Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo are equal, two points ahead of Peter Jones. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, diversions. There are 60 seconds on that as usual starting now.

CF: Diversion is exactly what happens when John MacAdam goes wrong. The macadamisation of roads is such that pavements collapse, potholes occur, and cars have cones put in front of them in order to divert into a lane which it had not previously intended to use for its vehicular access. If you drive up the M1, Five, Six, not to mention Two, 22 and 62, there are...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Three twos are six.

CF: No, 22 and 62.

NP: Theyíre hyphenated. Yes I suppose...

CF: Theyíre not even hyphenated.

NP: What?

CF: Theyíre not even hyphenated. Twenty-two is written as one word.

NP: Well it depends who is writing it, doesnít it? If, if the...

PJ: Well anybody who does joined-up writing!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: And that...

DN: That lets out the chairman of the team!

NP: Well um Ian Messiter sitting beside me has said that er he, he agrees on that fact, and whether itís hyphenated or not, you donít have a repetition there. So Clement you keep the subject and there are 28 seconds on diversions starting now.

CF: If you want to go to Bournemouth from London, Exeter is not a good town to pass. And diversions through that city would be a m-m-m-major mistake. M-m-m-somebody should have challenged...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, yes.

DN: Well he sort of settled down with a lot of mumbling hasnít he really. Ma-ma!

NP: Yeah I think heís, to use the phrase weíve used before, heís packed in really! And I donít know why he was so keen to get the subject back. So anyway Derek you have got a point on this occasion and you take over the subject of diversions with 45 seconds starting now.

DN: Last week I was travelling to Birmingham, along the M1, and I was diverted near Newport Pagnell, and the road took me right through One, up through Woodstock Eves, round a little village called Eastern Mordith, through Beaujet...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Well he said through three times.

NP: He did indeed Peter, well done. And youíve got in with three quarters of a second to go on diversions starting now.

PJ: One of the most pleasant...

WHISTLE

NP: So theyíre all keeping very close in this game. Derek Nimmo, the next round please is with you and the subject is the crowís nest, there are 60 seconds and you start now.

DN: We set sail from the Yacht Club near the Star Ferry in Hong Kong. Passed Lantow, Chunchow, around Llama Island and sailed through the South China Sea...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Weíve had a lot about sailing but not a word about the crowís nest. It seems to me to be outrageous. I mean, after all, the subject is the crowís nest. And it hasnít been mentioned.

NP: No, he was talking about sailing for 10 seconds...

KW: Yes.

NP: ... without mentioning the crowís nest...

KW: Quite right!

DN: You canít, youíve got to get the boat going!

KW: No, weíre not interested in a lot of argument!

DN: Whatís the point of climbing up the crowís nest in the harbour? Youíve got to set sail first.

NP: Well I think in 60 seconds...

KW: Youíve got to get it in, yes. Exactly!

NP: Within 10 seconds, youíve got to...

KW: Youíve got to get it in, in 60 seconds!

NP: ... establish the subject I think. So Kenneth I agree with your challenge, 50 seconds on the crowís nest starting now.

KW: I saw some crows building a nest in a load of trees. And I thought ďwell what remarkable...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: They wouldnít build in a load of trees!

NP: Theyíd build in one tree, wouldnít they?

CF: A load of crows. A load of crows would.

NP: A load of crows! (laughs)

PJ: A load of trees! Not good!

NP: All right...

DN: You can only have a load of trees if youíre on the back of a forest.

NP: We grant you the load of crows and the load of trees, all right. Youíve got to keep going somehow in this game, you mustnít be too severe on them. Forty-four seconds um Kenneth still with you on the crowís nest starting now.

KW: Seeing them fly out of their habitat, I was interested to notice the wing span of the crow. Now do you know it can be as much...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís left the crowís nest and looking at birds in flight, so itís deviation. As much as I hadnít climbed up into my crowís nest, because we were sailing out of Hong Kong Harbour.

NP: All right, showing that I like to try and be fair, yes, he got you on that point so weíll let you have him on the same point. And you take the subject back and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: Standing aloft in the crowís nest, I find an albatross floating overhead, and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, albatrosses donít float.

NP: He said flying overhead.

CF: No, he said floating overhead.

PJ: Yes he said floating.

DN: They float when theyíre near like that, itís called floating in the air.

CF: Boats float, the albatross flies.

DN: You say floating in the air.

NP: Oh I think, I think thatís, you know, colloquial phrase thatís yes...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ... descriptive, descriptive dialogue which I think thatís a bit of a harsh challenge. So Derek...

PJ: Well no itís a Russian expression, Aerofloat! Youíve heard of that! Floating in the air.

NP: Yes but they pronounce it flot.

PJ: Do they?

NP: Right Derek, you still have the subject, 18 seconds for crowís nest starting now.

DN: Like the ancient mariner of old, I fumbled in my pocket, and brought out a piece of bread which i chucked high. And this great creature swung around towards me, picked it up with its beak, and flew into the far distance, towards the South China Sea...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo managed to keep going till the whistle went, gained the extra point in and has taken the lead again. And Kenneth your turn to begin, and the subject, very aptly after all that is fantasy. So can you tell us something about fantasy, it occurs enough in Just A Minute, but can you talk on it in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I have this fantasy, they say to me ďyou can take overĒ. And I am give these wonderful robes and an orb to hold, and a sceptre. And I wield my mighty sway over millions who rush to do my bidding and obey my slightest whim. Iíve become a cult! An enormous great cult figure...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of cult.

NP: Yes he knew...

KW: You canít have enough of the cult!

NP: In Just A Minute, Iím afraid we can, and er Clement has a correct challenge and 31 seconds for him to talk on the subject of fantasy starting now.

CF: My fantasy is to go to China and go to the top of a crowís nest and watch an albatross float past. Itís a very odd thing when birds cease to fly, stop to swoop, no longer do what those animals normally perform but...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I thought it all came to a halt, a juddering halt.

NP: Yes I know, itís when they try to get back at each other, because they, they didnít, werenít given the challenge previously. Um 10 seconds are left for you Kenneth to take over the subject of fantasy starting now.

KW: Perhaps one of the greatest fantasies was that one which was envisaged by people like Hitler and Mussolini, that you could rule the world, and have a sort of...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: I donít know who these people are, who were like Hitler and Mussolini!

CF: We would have heard of them had they existed!

PJ: I think we might have done, yes!

KW: Itís perfectly reasonable to say people like Hitler and Mussolini. Genghis Khan was another one, they were all people who had world dominion as their aim! Thatís perfectly reasonable! What are you talking about? You great dunderheaded fool! How dare you interrupt me!

NP: Well I was still going to give it to you Kenneth...

KW: Oh thank you, excellent chairman!

NP: I think I should also give Peter, as itís the last round, a bonus point for a good challenge, because it was nice hearing from him again and weíve only got one second to go...

DN: How patronising!

PJ: Isnít it patronising!

DN: Really patronising then!

NP: You try and be a chairman without being patronising.

KW: Hear hear! Itís a very difficult job! And you keep it, the ball rolling beautifully, I feel!

NP: Well Kenneth, youíve only got half a second to talk on the subject of fantasy starting now.

KW: The fantasy is seen...

WHISTLE

NP: And so as I indicated this was not only going to be the last round, it was to be the last round, so it is also the end of the contest and the end of the show alas. But let me give you the final score, very close throughout as I indicated. Peter Jones finished in fourth place, only just one point behind Clement Freud who was three points behind this weekís joint winners, Derek Nimmo with Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh!

NP: Thank you very much, we hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and want to tune in again the same time next week when we go on into the series, with the number two, thanks to your wonderful reaction and we will continue from that point. Thank you again for listening and from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.