JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 January 1979)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have our four regular competitors of the game competing tonight, showing off their verbal dexterity and wit as they try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on a subject I will give them. And they have to try and do it without hesitating, without repeating themselves or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with the one and only Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, would you talk on the subject of getting started, something very apt for Just A Minute and would you try and do it for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Getting started for me meant auditioning at the Victoria Theatre in Singapore. It was used during the day for the hearings of war crimes tribunals. A load of Japanese were dragged in there, and then of course, we appeared at night to do these shows. Rushing on with my impersonations of Susette Tari and Winston Churchill which went like a bomb! People said "it is like done as to the manor born". And I made famous the expression (in Winston Churchill voice) "on the beaches, on the landing ground, anywhere, we will never...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PETER JONES: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

PJ: Well, during that Susette Tari impersonation, I think he repeated a sound.

NP: A sound?

PJ: Yes...

NP: Thereís many sounds...

PJ: I couldnít distinguish, I couldnít distinguish the words.

NP: No, well, of course, the thing is it is only the words, and as I couldnít make it out either, we canít actually have repetition of sounds, otherwise weíd never get anywhere. So Peter I consider thatís an incorrect challenge...

KW: Very good chairman! Very good judgement! Youíre on the ball tonight, I can tell you! Thereís no flies on Ďim, is there? Eh? Oooh, very nice!

NP: Whenever youíre winning, Iím doing well, and when itís the other way round, I am the worst chairman in the business arenít I! Kenneth, you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, there are 15 and a half seconds left and you start now.

KW: Getting started is rolling up my sleeves, getting out the dusters and then shoving it down the loo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Well I thought Iíd like to get started as well.

KW: What are you talking about? Youíd like to get started? Itís not your go!

DN: I havenít said anything yet!

NP: He thought heíd get started in your go!

DN: Get started!

NP: Yes well sorry Derek, yes obviously weíd like to hear from you, we have heard a lot of Kenneth, but Iím afraid it was an incorrect challenge...

KW: Quite so! Yes!

NP: So he has another eight seconds for getting started, starting now.

KW: Getting started means...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Iím sorry, that was a total mistake, I withdraw my challenge immediately. Iím so sorry, I do beg your pardon.

KW: Why donít you go away somewhere and... get yourself an education? Become literate or something...

NP: Heís only just flown in from Australia...

KW: Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street, and Iím sitting here...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Being treated like a load of rubbish!

NP: Youíre not, youíre treated with great respect...

KW: Do I look like a load of rubbish?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh thank you! Thatís nice! That is from the audience!

NP: You must realise that Derek Nimmo has only just flown in and 30 hours non-stop...

KW: You keep plugging the fact that heís flown in...

NP: Well, heís got jet lag! He hasnít got into the game yet.

KW: Of course heís flown in! We all know that! He couldnít have flown out, could he!

NP: Well youíll be flying off ina minute if youíre not careful! There are seven seconds on getting started starting now.

KW: Iíve been ruined in my peroration! How can I get under way! Every time...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well, heís not getting started because heís been ruined in his peroration!

NP: Thatís right...

KW: Whereís my flow? Whereís my flow? My flow has gone...

NP: Listen, you leave your womenfolk out of this and letís get on with the game! Derek, he was deviating from the subject and there are four seconds now for you having got a correct challenge and a point for that taking over the subject of getting started starting now.

DN: I love getting started...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He has jet lag, he was much too quick!

NP: A very good attempt Clement...

CF: For a man with jet lag...

NP: Beg pardon?

CF: For a man with jet lag!

NP: Yes, a bonus point for Clement Freud for a very good try, itís got nothing to do with the programme, but Derek Nimmo gets a point....

CF: And good evening!

NP: ... for an incorrect challenge, and keeps the subject, and good evening! And weíll get on with the show and there are two and a half seconds left Derek with you starting now.

DN: I love getting started for the first time, very near New Years...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that momnet gets the extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo who got in just before the whistle, so he has got now three points, heís equal in the lead with Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud has got one and Peter Jones is yet to score. But Peter your turn to begin, the subject, eating dirt cheap. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well, thatís just enough of those rather corny restaurant jokes like "waiter, is this egg fresh?" "I donít know sir, I only laid the table." "Do you serve crabs here?" "Sit down, we serve anybody." "Thereís a fly in my soup" and so on. Getting er dirt cheap...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: An er.

NP: Yes but it wasnít enough to be a real hesitation, so Peter keeps the subject...

KW: Oh you say er, but itís not a hesitation? You want to wash your ears out, you great nit!

NP: You want to wash your tongue out!

KW: Disgraceful!

NP: There are 40 seconds for you Peter, with eating dirt cheap starting now.

PJ: Well, I (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Itís going to be one of those nights, isnít it! Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DN: Well, one hardly dares to challenge with you in the chair! But he... repetition of er er, also hesitation.

NP: And I would say it was a definite hesitation.

PJ: Indeed it was.

NP: So you get the subject...

DN: Definitely!

NP: ... and a point for that, itís eating dirt cheap and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

DN: When Iím eating dirt cheap, I leap out into the rubbish dump and I start nibbling away at all the scraps and refuse that have been left behind by all the bin men. And I nibble and chew and somehow it goes down inside my great gullet, and all the nasty worms and toads and grubs begin to ferment inside me! And then...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, thank goodness!

PJ: Much, much too far-fetched, but you canít, worms donít ferment!

NP: They might inside Derek Nimmo, but I quite agree. I...

PJ: No, or otherwise youíd have worm wine.

NP: Yes!

PJ: There isnít such a thing!

NP: No, Peter I agree, heís deviated...

PJ: Is there? Clementís nodding, he probably knows that there is! Can you get a worm making wine kit?

NP: There are 17 seconds left for you Peter, on eating dirt cheap starting now.

PJ: The important thing when opening a restaurant is to keep it incredibly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of restaurant.

NP: He did say it before, youíre right. There are 14 seconds, eating dirt cheap Derek with you, starting now.

DN: If you go to a place called the Lopera, a er rather...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: That was almost a hesitation!

NP: It was definitely a hesitation. There are 11 seconds for eating dirt cheap with you Clement starting now.

CF: I would say baked beans on toast for a haípenny is as good an example of eating dirt cheap as any I could think of, although toast, marmalade and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. Heís now equal with Kenneth Williams but Derek Nimmo has taken the lead. Derek, will you begin the next round and the subject is the white shark. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: The white shark is a popular nickname for Nicholas Parsons. Heís been known as the white shark because of his meanness and also the fact that he tends to be very avaricious and steal things from people when theyíre not looking, particularly points. Other... times...

BUZZ

NP: Iím glad someone challenged! Clement Freud.

DN: I thought youíd burst in by then, annoyed.

CF: That was another almost hesitation.

NP: And it was deviation on every other single point but nobody bothered to challenge. I agree with Clement so you have 43 seconds on the white shark starting now.

CF: Well this clearly refers to the manager of the local building society. Because if ever there was a race of people who are white sharks, although some of them are brown, yellow or even black sharks. They would certainly qualify. To charge 12 and a half percent interest on a home loan simply because whoever happens to be in government thinks that might be a fun figure for people to pay. I think that is so criminally dishonest that if I ever met the chap in the street I would kick him if I didnít so terribly disapprove of people putting the boot in...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud with his white shark has taken himself into a stronger lead, gaining an extra point as the whistle went and it is Clement Freudís turn to begin. The subject is schooldays. Clement can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: School days happen before university days, and even earlier than life. And I remember particularly about my school days that we had speeches at least once a year. Somebody came along and they always mentioned three things. One is things arenít what they used to be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of things.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so Clement. There are 41 seconds left for you Derek to take over the subject of school days starting now.

DN: I started school at the age of four in Cartnell Fell...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: That was a school day!

PJ: It was one of the days!

DN: One of the days...

PJ: He was taking it one at a time!

DN: An awful lot more were going to come along afterwards if youíd let me go on!

NP: A clever try but I donít think it was justified. School days is still with you Derek starting now.

DN: They do say that school days are the happiest days of your life. I think it was absolute rubbish, I didnít like it at all very much. And people didnít like me either, it was awfully sad. And I had a very unhappy time, because people kept bullying me because they thought that I was inept, which I was, and I didn't get very good marks in any of my examinations that I remember, now. I could paint a little, I wasnít very good at games. In fact, people thoroughly disliked me...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes and there are 17 seconds left for school days with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Well the days were only slightly less miserable than the nights. Because at boarding school itís usually cold, there are a lot of very noisy people in the dormitory. And the master who comes in and beats the daylights out of everybody, just because he just...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went and heís moved forward into third place ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Derek Nimmoís taken the lead alongside Clement Freud. Kenneth weíre back with you, would you take the subject of Emperors and tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Many names spring to mind! I would mention Hadrian and Marcus Araeli, perhaps Allogabilus is an interesting example. He arrived in Rome, you know, on a dray, and had a lot of makeup on. The Senators are reputed to have made representations and indignant noises about this. But he held full sway and filled every post far and wide, Gall, Britain, Manorca, Majorca, all with posts with his favourite in charge. And I donít blame him because I mean if youíve got a bit of authority, you might as well splash it about and say well, have a good time, Iím only here for a short while. Might as well enjoy it while we can. And I think when I look back on my own life, ah yes, Actonís dictum, all power corrupts, that is true...

WHISTLE

NP: Well thatís the first time in this series that somebody has started with the subject and kept going without hesitation, repetition or deviation, and without being interrupted in any way at all. So Kenneth you get a point for speaking when the whistle went, and a bonus point for managing to keep going for the full 60 seconds. And youíre still in fourth place. No, actually youíre just ahead of Peter Jones, and Derek and Clement are still in the lead. Peter Jones will you begin the next round please, the subject, fixations. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well itís one of those words like repressions and er auto-suggestions, depressions er that er were popularised...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree there was a definite er there.

PJ: I just stumbled for a moment.

NP: Fifty-one seconds on fixations with you Derek starting now.

DN: Some people, like Kenneth Williams, have fixations about Roman Emperors. If youíre not careful they talk about them all day long! Particularly he likes to talk about the Emperor Tiberius because he used to have what he called his minnows...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said talked about twice.

NP: Yes he did, there are 41 seconds for Peter Jones on fixations starting now.

PJ: Well sometimes people get fixations about winning and they feel itís terribly important to do so. Whereas I feel that just merely playing the game as well as one can is more satisfying and very often more entertaining for those people who are watching, listening at home, or in the auditorium before us at this moment. Now Clement and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He packed up altogether really!

NP: Yes he did...

PJ: Well I couldnít recall your name for a moment! I knew I knew the face!

NP: Derek Nimmoís sitting right beside Peter Jones for those at home, and I must say he was trying to inhibit him by staring very hard. There are 15 seconds on fixations with you Derek starting now.

DN: I have a friend called Geoffrey Alcock who has a fixation that in a previous existence he was the Dalia Lama. And he sits for hours at an end with a little prayer wheel beside him reciting and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He sits for hours at an end? What does that mean?

NP: I donít think it means very much!

PJ: Deviation!

NP: Deviation from grammar and sense. All right, well challenged Peter. Four seconds are left with fixations with you starting now.

PJ: Iíll tell you the most hair raising fixation if I can be allowed a little more...

WHISTLE

NP: He hadnít really got one, he knew there was only four seconds, and he just kept going and achieved the object of speaking as the whistle went. So Peter you got a lot of points in that round and youíve moved into second place, just two points behind Derek Nimmo. And Derek, your turn to begin, and the subject is punch. If youíd like to put the daily paper down and join the show again! I know youíve just come back from Australia but thereís nothing much been happening that doesnít normally happen! The subject is punch, there are 60 seconds for you to talk about it starting now.

DN: I once before fought three rounds with Henry Cooper and I asked him how his punch was at that time and he hit me on the jaw! This is absolutely true, and I went flat on my back and hurt very much. I was once in Las Vegas and there I met Mohammad Ali who I think probably has the greatest punch, and the most exciting and impressive boxer...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: That really is nonsense! He hasnít got the greatest punch. Heís got all sorts of other qualities but not even...

DN: Thatís your opinion, dear fellow...

CF: No, not even he would say he has the greatest punch! He hardly ever knocks anybody out!

NP: I would inclined to agree. Amongst, among...

PJ: Isnít it a bit late in the day to complain that heís talking nonsense in this game?

NP: Yes thatís a very good point Peter...

PJ: After about 18 years!

DN: Heís regained the heavyweight championship of the world three times!

NP: Yes...

DN: He can hardly be just tapping people, can he!

NP: No, but I agree with what Clement Freud is saying. Itís been accepted by all the sporting journalists and the sporting authorities that er Mohammad Ali, great as he is, has not the greatest punch. Heís one of the greatest boxers ever...

PJ: But these other people with better punches, why havenít they punched him?

NP: Because heís so quick on his feet! And thatís the point that Clementís making! I agree with his challenge and you have 34 seconds for punch Clement starting now.

CF: Thereís also a drink called punch, which is generally hot, and made with a spiritual substance, wither rum, brandy, whiskey, gin, or even a licquer. Also sugar and spices like cinnamon, nutmeg and clove, water, lemon, orange...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of also.

NP: Oh thatís difficult!

CF: Gosh that went well didnít it!

NP: It did! I donít remember actually whether he said also before. Occasionally I try to...

PJ: Or spice, I think he said.

NP: Yes. I think...

PJ: Or spice?

CF: No, but I will if you like!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Clement you have 18 seconds to continue with punch starting now.

CF: If you go to the seaside, the sort of place where Derek Nimmo runs up and down the beach wearing a funny hat, you tend to see Punch and Judy shows which are marvelously traditionally entertaining. In that a small man usually with a top hat, standing behind a curtain, makes noises...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: The man doesnít wear a top hat. Otherwise youíd see it!

CF: No!

NP: The man standing behind the curtain does not wear a top hat.

CF: Well mine does!

NP: Well you said traditionally, going by tradition I would say youíre wrong and Peter Jones has got in with one second to go on punch starting now.

PJ: Itís a great magazine!

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have an interesting situation at the end of that round because Peter Jones and Clement Freud have both got equal number of points in the round and theyíve now come up alongside Derek Nimmo in the lead. So we have three leaders, all three of them ahead of Kenneth Williams. But you give us great value...

DN: Wouldnít it be easier to say we have one loser?

NP: No, because Kenneth is never a loser!

DN: Ah...

NP: He comes... Clement, your turn to begin, the subject is little known facts about garden worms. Thereís an elaborate and delightful idea that Ian Messiterís thought of. Little known facts about garden words, can you tell us any in 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Itís really very difficult to talk about little known facts about garden worms because thereís so many totally unknown facts about garden worms. I will try. For instance, they tie each other in knots to keep damp. And they eat chocolate, especially eclairs and biscuits. And what is perhaps an incredibly little known fact about garden worms is that they have a throughput of 9 tons of earth every six months, or one and a half...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes after the nine tons of earth going through them in six months, just a pause...

CF: It was a respectful pause for people to draw in their breath, or draw out the throughput of earth or...

NP: I think they digested it, all right, but it was a definite pause and Derek Nimmo, you take over the subject now, little known facts about garden worms, starting now.

DN: One of the little known facts about garden worms is that they greatly like Chanel Number Five...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Thatís an unknown fact! It is untrue!

DN: Unknown to you, but itís known to me!

CF: Untrue!

DN: Little known fact!

NP: I donít think it is a fact at all! And I give it back to Clement Freud with 22 seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: When they mate, which they do every...

BUZZ

NP: Clement... Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: This is a family show! We donít want that sort of smutty talk!

NP: Garden smut! Well done, Peter, a bonus point for Peter, Clement keeps the subject for an incorrect challenge, 18 seconds left on the subject, starting now.

CF: When words are terribly fond of each other, they hard... they hardly ever write letters. They donít hold hands because they have none. They go through a machinery known...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of through.

NP: Yes, all that soil went through them, if you remember, six months and now you said theyíre through again!

CF: Itís a very piddling little challenge!

NP: Itís a brilliant challenge, he had to remember it, and itís even more amazing that I remembered it too! Because I have to remember every word...

PJ: Well it was the graphic picture that he painted of all the soil going through one single worm that made me remember it!

NP: Yes, all the...

CF: Throughput...

NP: On this occasion you remembered...

CF: ...throughput was the word I used!

NP: Every word of the material!

CF: The word I used was throughput, not through on its own!

NP: Yes you did actually!

CF: Thatís why you remembered it!

NP: They had a throughput...

DN: Throughput is not one word!

NP: No, itís a hyphenated word!

PJ: No, but he used through earlier on!

NP: He did indeed Peter, you have six seconds, little known facts about garden worms starting now.

PJ: If you treat a worm nicely, it can become a very good friend, and it can be house trained and learn...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones has taken the lead at the end of that round, gaining points on the way, and the extra one as the whistle went. Heís one ahead of Clement Freud, two ahead of Derek Nimmo, and more than half a dozen ahead of Kenneth Williams, whoíll begin the next round. Kenneth the subject is jockeys, will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: They race down the course at Epsom and Ascot...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: They donít! Itís the horses!

NP: Itís a lovely challenge! Letís give a point to Clement for that lovely challenge, but, but metaphorically speaking Iím sure that a lot of people say that jockeys are racing because they race on the horses. So Kenneth, keep the subject, you started with it and you have 51 seconds left starting now.

KW: They have given their name to a most famous item of underwear. And everyone has reason to be deeply grateful for this incredible service. I have found...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Not everybody! Ladies donít have to be grateful!

NP: Well I think some ladies do wear jockey pants, donít they?

CF: And others are grateful to people who wear them!

NP: No, itís a good idea, but I donít think actually, no, he was deviating from the subject...

DN: But I mean sort of Hawaiian gentlemen arenít grateful for jockey pants because they donít wear them. What about all the Scottish listeners that weíve got? They donít have any jockey pants. Not everyone is grateful!

PJ: Sorry, the conversationís going the same way again!

NP: The garden worms arenít grateful! Kenneth you continue with the subject, 41 seconds left with jockeys starting now.

KW: A well established fact for jockeys is they need to be light, which is why I am such a brilliant exponent of the art. When I appear they cry "here he comes, Mr Lightweight himself!" "Always welcome at Newmarket, Ken boy!" they shout as I enter the arena wearing the colours of course of my favourite employer. Will I name him? No, obviously in a case like this, Iíd better not because I would be accused, would I not, of a cheap publicity. And that is something I would never stoop to! No, I am a man of principle! Youíve only got to look at me and you say "hereís a jockey with principle! Heís never running a dirty race! Heís...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Oh, what was your challenge?

CF: Two principles. I take it back!

KW: No, no, you have it boy! You have it Clement boy! Good old Clement boy! No, you go on, have a go, love!

NP: Well Kenneth is very generously, he was really in full flow then, I think heíd almost won the race actually in his imagination! Um, but Iíd love to see him on a horse! The um, Clement there are two and a half seconds with jockeys starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Peter Jones?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! So itís neck and neck still between our two leaders. There are one and a half seconds on jockeys with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Theyíre not as nice as boxer shorts!

WHISTLE

NP: Iíve had a message, we have no more time. So let me wind up the show by telling you what the final score was. Kenneth Williams after his triumphs of the previous week returned to come in a solid fourth place. His jockey exploits didnít help him get into the lead here. He came behind Derek Nimmo who finished in third place, and Clement Freud was just in second place, one point behind this weekís winner who was Peter Jones! We hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when once again we take to the air and we play this ridiculously delightful game. Until then from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.

KWís diary entry for Thursday 23 November 1978: "The team for JAM was Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. Everyone saying how loyally Clement was behaving towards Jeremy Thorpe who is contending with all the assorted lies of Bessell at the Minehead trial..."